The Dodd Delusion

THE DODD DELUSION. Ewan Povey 2010

Patrick had run out of cigarettes. John Player Special was his brand. They were his brand because he had 'played the John card' by drinking out of the toilet with a tea towel on his head. Don't ask.

'I'm out of fags'

The nurse cleared his throat.

'You'll have to wait till someone can take you to the shop.'

Patrick resumed pacing. He was on a protest march he told himself. Suddenly he saw someone he knew from college on the telly.

'Fuckin ell! I know him! I went to college with him!'

The nurse just nodded slowly. The soap opera held his attention for a moment, then he felt a ball in his stomach and resumed pacing. He tried to avoid any negative energy with Stuart. Stuart had cut the words, 'I want to die,' into his arm, and even Patrick who had seen some shit in his time found this a little off putting. Mary came into the smoking room. Her hair was white. At least it was apart from the yellow nicotine stains. Patrick bent down and kissed her on the head.

'Patrick. Will you go speak to Dr Goole now.'

Dr G.O.O.L.E. Very ordinary man despite his spooky name thought Patrick.

'He kissed me on the 'ead!'

Mary called out

'Alright, Mary,' soothed the nurse.

Dr Goole was a chubby man. You could say that he was nice and cuddly but Patrick found him condescending and supercilious. Perhaps he was afraid of Patrick. Not scared of violence. Just that his sense of self was threatened in a way he couldn't put his finger on.

'So how do you think you're doing, Patrick'

'Good. When can I leave.'

'Well that depends on how much progress you've made. How are you sleeping?

'Well I can't keep my legs still because of the restlessness from the Haloperidol. Am I going to get any talking therapy?'

'Are you taking your Procyclidine? That should stop the side effects.'

'Yes I'm taking the Procyclidine. If I don't take what you give me you wont let me out.'

'You see that's the kind comment that makes me reluctant to discharge you. You need to realise that you are ill and that you need medication.'

How am I ill though?!'

'Well you walked naked into Greggs the bakers and told them that you were the son of Ken Dodd.'

'Well I got a bit carried away. That doesn't make me ill.'

'Could you explain to me why you did that then, Patrick.'

'I had a vision that Ken Dodd told me that he created the universe with his tickle stick.'

'And..?'

'And that the feathers on his stick were like the ever repeating patterns in a Mandelbrot set and that the pattern was a joke that made existence quiver with delight and that we suffer that we may laugh.'

'And?'

'And that I was sent as his son to cry for your bins.'

'Cry for my bins?'

Patrick sang.

'Nobody knows what it's like, to be a dustbin. In Shaftsbury. With hooligans.'

'Should I know that song?'

'It's a Bill Hicks gag. But it relates to the time when I felt compassion for my dads dustbin. I cried for it.'

Dr Goole raised a shrill eyebrow and bore a crooked tooth in a fat mouth.

'I see. And So?'

'And so I walked into Greggs the Bakers and told them I was the son of Dodd.'

'Naked.'

'I suppose.'

'Why naked?'

'It got their attention didn't it?'

'Do you still think you are the son of Ken Dodd.'

'Maybe not his son. But I think it was a true vision. I don't think I'd get naked again.'

'But you still think the universe was created by Ken Dodd?'

'Is that really so unbelievable? I mean people thing Jesus created the universe.'

'Well, people believe God created the universe. Jesus is the son of God.

'Do you believe in God.'

'No. I'm an atheist.'

'Do you consider Christianity to be a delusion?'

'No. Let me explain.

'I know why.'

Dr Goole made a disapproving sort of swallow face.

'If a belief is appropriate to someone's background then its not a delusion. Certain tribes in Africa believe in spiritual possession, whereas if someone from our society thinks they are possessed they are deluded.'

'Right. I see.'

'Do you?'

'Yes it all makes sense. Because I'm not from Diddyland then I'm deluded, even though it is in fact true that Dodd created the cosmos.'

'You're missing the point.'

'Am I?'

'I'm afraid you're going to be here for up to three months.'

'I need to pace.'

'I'm sorry?'

'I'm restless. I need to pace'

'I'm afraid we're not finished. Could you stand and shuffle from foot to foot?'

Dr Goole smiled crookedly and Patrick stood in the tiny office and shuffled.

'I'm going to ask one of the nurses to set aside five minutes each day for you to talk about your problems.'

Patrick didn't think five minutes would be enough but he wasn't in a position to argue.

Ewan Povey 2010