Northern Monkey

A piece of Scarborough Rock fall to the ground and is so wethered by the elements that eventually Northern Monkey is born of it. His skin is very hard but strangely sweet. He tries to make friends with his fellow northern monkeys but they are dismissive He braves the seafront and finds a way into a hidden cave where are all the treasures that have washed up from shipwrecks. He invites into this paradise his fellow northern monkeys and they are overjoyed. Wolves from Wolverhampton who are on holiday in Scarborough demand that they turn the cave over to them but Northern Monkey stands up to them and they fight them off. His fellows declare him ‘The Handsome Monkey King’. He delights in his status for a while but begins to think there is more to life as he hears that people in Sheffield and places are much more cultured. So he goes to find a teacher. The teacher he finds bears a striking resemblance to Jarvis Cocker and he accepts him. He teaches him the 72 methods of transformation but sends him away for foolishly transforming himself into a whippet then a ferret to amuse his fellow students. His teacher tells him that if he must portray such northern stereotypes to get a laugh then he must never tell anyone that he taught him. Northern Monkey is dejected but cheers up when his brethren welcome him back. He goes to the fish and chip shop of the king of the sea and bullies him into giving him a cocktail stick he uses for his pickled eggs. This he turns into ‘ The will following banded staff’ that he uses as his weapon and can increase or decrease in size at will. The Jade emperor who is enthroned in Harrogate and who bears a striking resemblance to Jim Bowen of Bulls Eye fame, is informed that a new deity has been detected. He give instructions that he is to be brought to court.. Once there he gives himself the title ‘Great Sage. Equal to Heaven’ and this causes some consternation amongst the bureaucracy.. He is put in charge of the heavenly garage, a task that he fulfil with enthusiasm until he discovers that it is a menial task when he demands a more prestigious post. So he is put in chare of the scons (not scones) of immortality at the heavenly tea shop. However he eats them all and in the ensuing row smashes up the heavenly tea shop. He is captured and Lao Tzu who bears a striking resemblance to Arthur Scargill puts him in his eight trigram furnace, but he escapes and flees back to his cave.. The Jade Emperor demands his capture and sends the heavenly army of 100,000 northern stereotypes to capture him. But Northern Monkeys experiences in Harrogate have made him immortal and given him skin like steel(though still sweet0 and fearsome red eyes. So he fights them all off. The Jade Emperor appeals to Boodha, who bears a striking resemblance to Brian Glover, to intervene. Boodha invites Northern Monkey to prove that he is equal to heaven. Northern Monkey Does his cloud leap to the pillars of heaven and urinates on them. Returning Buddha invites him to smell his hand. On doing so Northern Monkey is suddenly trapped under the stinky hand of Boodha.

Trip Taker, The Acid Monk, The Trippy Hippy. Is ordered by Kuan Yin who bears a striking resemblance to Jane Macdonald to earn his incapacity benefit and go west to the Vulture Peak ride at Blackpool to retrieve the Freddie Truman Sutras.. First he releases Northern Monkey but not before placing a headband that when ‘the comedown sutra’ is chanted produces the effects of a bad pill comedown. Now under control Northern Monkey has to do as he is told. Travelling west they come across a disused pit in which lies a dragon. Asked what he’s doing there he says people keep chasing him. He and Northern Monkey fight and then he is convinced to become the steed for Trip Taker and transforms into a shire horse. They then come across pigsy who has been reincarnated as half man half pig for scabbing during the miners strike. They fight and he joins them. Finally they come across Sandy, who has become a monstrous football hooligan after being demoted from heaven dropping the Jade Emperors tea all over his brand new white carpet.. They fight and he joins them. Journeying west they have to battle a number of northern demons. Also they come across a hive of goth spider women who try to seduce them with cider and black and poppers. They come across Hebden Bridge, a land entirely ruled by women. Finally they are stopped by the burning hills of the Pennines and are told the only way to stop the fire is with the magic steam iron of Princess Iron Fan ( Who is a massive fan of steam irons) But to do this they have to trick her and her husband The Buffalo Demon King into giving it to them. Doing so they extinguish the fire, cross the Pennines and make it to Blackpool where The Living Boodha, who bears a striking resemblance to Alan Carr gives them the Freddie Truman Sutras.