May 2 1999, Sunday
I'm alone, and always will be.
I'd better begin coping with that. It's not wise asking people for what they cannot provide --doing that it's entirely one's fault, not theirs.
May 4 1999, Tuesday
For what I see in my friends and in myself, we're on what it could be said an age-related crisis. They say the first of these crisis comes at forty, but actually we're experiencing it at our early thirties. It's sort of re-positioning in life, after our academic life as students is definitely over at last. It's about taking conscience of the long life-span in front of us and fearing not knowing how to fill it: so it's about having children, or not; it's about making oneself room in the community. In short, it's about finding conventions that we think suitable to our intended unconventionality. It's perhaps a feeling of vertigo at the abyss of time. It's realizing that we've modeled our lives in a way which restrains our further moves --in a way, we've predestined ourselves, and now we ask ourselves, in a low voice, whether we really want to live the life we had envisioned for ourselves. It seems as we knew it's our last opportunity to change our life course --our last chance to be free, but at the cost of a new vital uncertainty, when we're supposed to have already had plenty of time for setting up and setting down. It's the want of establishing and the fear of it, the realization that most of our dreams won't come true. It's about rethinking yourself in the world and asking for the sense, not of life in general but of your life in particular.
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