I Felt Dirty for What I Had Done

I Felt Dirty for What I Had Done

Kadison, how did your restoration actually begin?

It began a day soon after I found out I was expecting our 2nd son, and I noticed that my husband started behaving differently. I always had his passwords for everything, mostly because we worked together in my father-in-law's company and used social networks for business. But then, after I had our second child, I left my father-in-law's company and started working at home.

One day, I saw that he had added an old friend who worked where he worked when he was just 18 and then I noticed a few days later that he'd changed all his passwords. Well, I became suspicious, jealous, so I started to search his cell phone. That's when my world collapsed! I found what I did not want to believe. I saw he had an OW. I sent a message and cursed the OW, but that only made things much worse.

I sought advice from single friends who all encouraged me to separate, give myself some time alone, be apart, but those things were what I wanted to hear. Foolishly it was what I did— I sent him away. Told him to leave. Oh, there was so much heartache, and despite his ongoing involvement with the OW and me cursing her, my husband did not abandon me.

Even more amazing is that even though I was prepared to give birth to my son alone, when our son born, my husband was there during the entire labor and childbirth. He stayed with me and took care of both of us in the first days after we got home—even though I'd kicked him out.

Of course, I regretted what I had done, and right away I began to beg for his love. But this complete change only served to suffocate him. I begged for his forgiveness, pleaded with him to come back over and over again. Then when he didn't return, I flipped again and forbade him to see his children. I did so many horrible things that I am ashamed to speak of today (I'm sorry they're just too horrible). I took more advice from “friends” and said that I did not love him anymore, and that when he came over he would need supervised visitation. Either I or a mediator would need to be present if he wanted to see his children. Well, that caused me many sleepless nights, extreme weight loss, and worse, I became a bitter, ugly woman. Then I told him I just wanted both of us "to be happy" in other words, let’s just move on. What another huge mistake!!

How did God change your situation Kadison as you sought Him wholeheartedly?

On one of those sleepless nights, I began to search the internet for marriage stories, testimonies, etc. ... and by Divine Appointment I found RMI. The moment I read the first page on HopeAtLast.com it was as if scales fell from my eyes!!! That night I returned to the ways of the Lord with an interest in Him again. I finally had hope; hope that one day my family and I would be restored. I first discovered what having a Father was like. A Father who was full of love and infinite mercy, who gradually restored my broken heart, bringing me to a place of understanding. A Father who began showing me what was wrong in my life and leading me along a path of peace. He spoke to me about entering a 30-day fast, to know what the will of God was, and to discover His will, not mine.

Dear brides, in just 10 days, during a service, a sister I did not know came to me through His leading and revealed to me that God saw my tears and that He was taking care of me and my children and told me that I should not give up on my dreams. I was in shock, I had NEVER seen that woman! Well, I finished the 30-day fast, but nothing really changed. I'd been waiting all year, waiting on the Lord, then I became very ill, and while on the internet I had a horrible relapse, going back to my old ways.

I'd let go of Facebook but in my weakness, I went on when an ex-boyfriend contacted me. We got together and afterward, I felt dirty for what I had done. The Lord had promised me, my family so much. He took care of me, gave me a great job, so what was I doing?! This is what I thought after I fell...But God is merciful and does not fail us when we fail Him. He forgave me, picked me up, and introduced me to His Son who needed to be my Heavenly Husband to rid me of any sort of temptation like that again.

What principles, from God's Word (or through our resources), Kadison, did the Lord teach you during this trial?

The reading of the Word of God must be our main food, only in God will we find refuge. And if we fill ourselves with spiritual junk food, we will be sick. We must feed from the pure water of His Word and help ourselves overcome by remaining encouraged through testimonies.

Leaving the church is extremely important, wow, it makes ALL the difference. Yet after, even during LEAVING, it is very necessary to find and embrace your HH.

NEVER speak evil about your husband to anyone, leave his part of the closet empty, and speak blessings on your home and your family by smiling at the future. It’s not what you see or how you feel, but what you are hoping for against all hope.

What were the most difficult times that God helped you through Kadison?

Though I first found the Father I never had growing up, it was having a HH that sustained me when my husband simply disappeared for six months, without telling anyone. Later we found out he had only communicated with his mother and asked about the children through her. But she also did not hear from him many months. Had I believed my earthly husband to be who I longed for, I know my life would have been unbearable. Instead, though, I had a HH and a Father for my children. I was well loved, entirely cared for in every way. I glowed, and my children thrived.

Kadison, what was the “turning point” of your restoration?

The turning point was the day my brother-in-law came over to talk to me. He told me that my husband wanted to get closer to me, but that he did not know how, because he was living with this OW. He said he wanted to come home but knew I had LET him GO. He told my brother-in-law that he loved me, and he missed our family and had heard from everyone that I had become a virtuous woman.

Tell us HOW it happened Kadison? Did your husband just walk in the front door? Kadison, did you suspect or could you tell you were close to being restored?

The month after my brother-in-law came over to talk to me, my husband came to visit the children and at the end of the day, before leaving, he said he wanted to talk to me. He said that he had NEVER stopped loving me and that if I allowed him, he would come back and be forever faithful. We kissed again after almost 3 years. I could not believe what was happening and only managed to smile, my heart was beating so fast. I could tell his heart was beating fast too, and that day, maybe for the first time, we fell in love. That was eight months ago and each day we feel the same thing when we kiss.

We've structured our lives entirely around the Lord. He is at the center, each of us keeps Him as our first Love. Once home, he began to renovate our apartment, and the biggest change is that he wants to stay home to be with me and the kids all the time. This time together resulted in us expecting a restoration baby, a girl, who is due in less than two months.

Yes, I know the enemy continues to come against us, but the Lord, my HH, is with me. And I will never leave Him again, for, without His presence, I would surely die ... there is no life in me without the Lord as my HH.

Would you recommend any of our resource in particular that helped you Kadison?

I recommend to ALL the people I meet, anyone who goes through anything like this, to read my testimony. I already sent it to several friends. One friend of mine used the resources of RM that I bought her, and a few months later I heard that she also had her marriage restored! This is my ministry, to continue to accompany you, Erin, and in order to thank you for helping us in a moment where the world told us to give up. My ministry is to reach out, share my testimony, boast about my weaknesses, in order that He can use me to speak about finding Him as my HH and to share and purchase resources as my offering (my tithe goes here).

Dear sister, if you want what I have, you just need to believe in your Divine Appointment and then promise Him, as I did, that if He will restore you that you will help others in a marriage crisis—forever, glorifying God for the rest your life with the testimony He wants to give you.

Maybe that's why restoration doesn't always stick, because once He's given, so few give back to Him by sharing what He did for them.

Would you be interested in helping encourage other women Kadison?

Yes, always and forever!

Either way Kadison, what kind of encouragement would you like to leave women with, in conclusion?

If every woman knew what God has for her marriage and her family, if everyone tried to see the heart of God, divorces would not exist, so many traumas in life would be avoided. So, my sister, my brother, just believe, be willing to speak His truth and give Hope to others. If you do, GOD WILL RESTORE YOUR FAMILY, in the name of Jesus ... He is with you right now... talk to Him, tell Him this is what you want.

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you” (John 15:7). Just as Erin says, when your heart rests in Him alone and your will is centered in His will, you are truly making Him Lord. To know His will is to know His Word. It is His will that your marriage be healed. He hates divorce, and we are to be reconciled; however, He has conditions. Make Him first. Find your HH.