The Diary of a Man United Fan

The Diary of A Football Club

By Noah Solovey

Dear Diary,

I’m tired of being mid. I’m tired of being a club that switches it’s manager every two seconds. I’m tired of being horrible and spending one billion dollars on nothing. I’m tired of being told that we are getting better, when we’re just getting worse. I don’t care that we got Europe this season, our dumb little fans could celebrate while our dumb little striker penetrates the ball past the goal. Let’s continue to pretend like we are the next Real Madrid when we beat a goofy club like Nottm Forest. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve gotten used to this life. A life without winning, a life as a mid-table club.

-Chelsea FC

Dear Diary,

We really suck. I still don’t get why we haven’t sacked our dumb manager. If our club was a video game, I would want to click the restart button as fast as I humanly could. Name a single good player from our club. You can’t. I’m tired of being overshown by our rivals. I’m tired of football.

-Man United

Dear Diary,

Today we won another trophy. That is the usual starting sentence in these diaries. We are winners. We are the best club in the world. I don’t care about our 115 FFP charges. We’re going to keep on winning over and over and over again. No club is better then us.

-Man City

Dear Diary,

We always play so well for the entire season, and then we throw it all away. Can we win something for once? No.

-Arsenal

Dear Diary,

Harry Kane is a curse. But he’s gone now. Does that mean all our troubles are gone? No. We still suck. I don’t why Man City couldn’t beat us at our stadium for 5 years. It’s just luck. And also, WHY DID WE SIGN TIMO WERNER? WHYYYYYYY?

-Spurs

Danke Jurgen! ARNE SLOT! ARNE SLOT! ARNE SLOT! Jurgen you’ll never walk alone again. Danke! Our lack of trophies doesn’t matter, because we have Jurgen Klopp. He’ll never walk alone again!!! ARNE SLOT! ARNE ALOT! ARNE SLOT!

-Liverpool