Groundhog's Day Satires

Groundhog’s Day Double Satire

Written By Noah Solovey

Groundhog; a rodent that lives in forests, meadows, open fields, and streams. Groundhogs are just like any normal animal, except they have the godlike ability to decide the season. The crazy mustached-top hat owner of Punxatawney Phil must be out of his mind to believe in such a thing. 

When you define Groundhog’s Day, you usually say, “It’s a day where a bunch of people gather around to watch if a groundhog sees its shadow, and if it does there are seven more weeks of winter! But if it doesn’t there is an early spring.”

 Off of that definition, I have a question for you. How stupid is that? Letting a Groundhog decide the season. In the bigger picture, letting a groundhog’s shadow decide the season?  Groundhog’s Day is the most brainless holiday.

I don’t know if I’m the only one with this opinion, but there is no difference between a random shadow and a groundhog one. Why does a Groundhog’s shadow get to dictate the season? Why not a rat or hamster? I think so many more people would enjoy the holiday if there were a variety of animals. It could be called, “Animal Season Day,” rather than lame, “Groundhog’s Day.” In fact, the Romans originally called it, “Hedgehog’s Day,” because it would go off of a hedgehog’s shadow. Now how do you think the hedgehog feels? Oh, and some people called it “Badger’s Day.” The groundhog should try to be more inclusive. It’s not fair that other animals get to have powerful shadows. You know what’s also not fair? The hype that explodes for the groundhog.

Yes, some people are groundhog enthusiasts! These dumb people hold signs saying we want Spring. Put yourself in this groundhog’s shoes. How would you feel if you had a whole day named after you, and you decided the season? You would also be yelled at by angry Americans to not see your shadow. You can’t control where the sun is shining! Look at the groundhog’s face in this picture. He’s not having a good time.

Third of all, sometimes my Birthday is in the Spring, and sometimes it’s in the Winter, all because of the stupid, furry, gross, funny-looking, rodent-like, dumb groundhog. My birthday is March 4th, the fourth week of Punxatawney Phil’s “extra winter. Or just his early Spring. I can’t even know if my Birthday will be in the Spring or Winter until February 2nd, called “Groundhog’s Day.” Even though the season my birthday is in doesn’t stay the same, the weather does. So the groundhog doesn’t doesn’t make a difference. It’s kind of annoying to know that if you plan an outside birthday party ahead of time and then the Groundhog predicts winter, you’re all confused. One of my friends plays baseball, and I invited him to my birthday. He ended up not being able to come because the winter season started. Also, one of my other friends turned out to be sick because he wasn’t wearing his winter jacket. After all, it was Spring. Little did he know, the weather didn’t change one bit.

After all, Groundhog’s Day is a stupid “holiday” that is absolutely ridiculous. Like I said earlier, you're putting the future into the hands of a rodent. Or should I say claws; or paws? In conclusion, all it takes is a shadow to make a difference. Without further ado, to the groundhog.

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Punxsutawney Phil Biography Satire

Written By Noah Solovey

My name is Phil, to be specific, Punxsutawney Phil. Say that ten times fast. What a stupid name I have. I’m a dumb little groundhog, but I’m not an ordinary groundhog. I’m the groundhog that has a shadow that can decide the season. Cool, right? Well, every year I am celebrated by America and everybody gathers around to watch if my shadow shows or not. If it shows, Winter will have seven more weeks to go, and if it doesn’t show, everybody celebrates like it’s the new year and Spring comes early. Today is that day. That day that I dread.

“Punxsutawney, it’s shadow time!” My owner hollers at me. I want to change that dumb 12-letter name that sounds like gibberish. I couldn’t respond to my owner. The only thing I could respond with was my massive teeth, and they weren’t any help in communicating. Suddenly, I was picked up and my owner brought me to the “throne” that would determine the season. This again.

I was probably hidden under a box for an hour before my owner started to announce the event. All I could hear was people yapping about me seeing my shadow. “Lovely Citizens of The United States of America, let’s welcome Punxsutawney… Phil!” The box was lifted off me and it turned out my shadow didn’t show. Spring, I guess. Everybody started going crazy. “An Early Spring, by Punxsutawney Phil!” That dumb gibberish name. I hate my job.