Does a caterpillar know what future they have ahead? How does a caterpillar keep going when it is all alone? My father voluntarily left us before I could even walk, before I could mutter the words “I need you dad.” So my mother tried her best to fill the immeasurable void, the sense of not feeling good enough that was left behind by my father. At the age of three years old, my mother introduced someone who was supposed to teach us fatherly love, but it quickly became terror. Locked doors, muffled screams, surprise ambushes, and fear of leaving my own home contaminated my childhood, destroying any hope I had for a happy ending. Again, I was reminded that I am not enough.
After growing up and realizing that I had been abused, I grew exasperated which quickly turned into severe depression. I was stuck, vulnerable, and pessimistic about whether or not I was going to make it, almost like a caterpillar in its chrysalis form. I’d cut up parts of my body to turn the emotional pain into physical pain; I would go days without eating just to drown the deafening thoughts that played in my head constantly. What is so wrong with me? Why am I never enough, not even to myself? In my junior year of high school it became quite evident that something needed to change when I took on too much responsibility just to have a distraction. Between my AP classes, college mentor group, National Honor Society, Dual Enrollment classes, two varsity sports, a part time job, and the pandemic, I overlooked my mental health once again. One Thursday evening the wall I had been building all these years to block out the horrors of my past finally collapsed. I had committed myself to so much, and I was failing at everything, even my bed of roses, school. I was defeated, and I wanted to blame it all on the COVID-19 pandemic, but the reality of it was that the only one to blame was me. My mind had been so preoccupied with the thoughts of never being good enough for someone else all these years that I never realized that the only person I needed to be good enough for was myself. How could I have expected someone to put me first when I wasn’t even my own first priority?
That summer, I was named one of my high school’s valedictorians, and suddenly everything made sense. Spending the rest of summer focused on my healing journey, learning how to take care of myself, creating deeper friendships, and opening up about my past really put things into perspective for me. It was a tough journey, but slowly I learned the importance of putting myself first and self love, which introduced me to hope. The chrysalis stage of a caterpillar is portrayed as lifeless up until the moment in which the caterpillar breaks free and reveals its radiant, alluring new form: the butterfly. Did the caterpillar know that it would become such a vibrant butterfly? It’s the power of perseverance that allowed me, the caterpillar, to transform into a butterfly and bloom. Without the chrysalis there is no butterfly, and similarly, I learned that the adversities that I overcame shaped me into who I am today.
I will keep going no matter what happens, and when things get arduous I will simply remind myself of how oblivious a caterpillar is, but somehow, every year, we get to witness the belle of a butterfly. My depression is a mountain of repressed memories, unspoken words, and unpleasant thoughts that I have to climb in order to heal, and each time it gets steep, a butterfly will find me and remind me to “keep going.” So here I am, 18 years strong, fighting a fight I know I will win.
The inspiration behind this piece was the desire to tell my story after years of staying silent. My writing process was difficult to say the least, it opened up a lot of undressed wounds I have within and trying to intertwine my life with a butterfly’s life cycle was an interesting challenge. You can find rhetorical questions, imagery and rhythm throughout my writing. I have a very special place in my heart for butterflies so the fact that I could relate my story to a butterfly made me incredibly happy with how this piece came out
One of the phrases I really liked in the story was the comparison to a caterpillar. This was so beautifully written and wonderfully displayed the writer's emotional side. Overall, it was an amazing piece that showed progress of a hardworking individual.
--Lorena Bulnes
I absolutely love your writing. I love how you describe all of your emotions throughout every part of your life. You deserve everything you have accomplished.
--Alma Murillo
I really like this memoir. The connection I have with the writer is indescribable. I like the personal example she brought as to why she had such a low mental health. And I really love the way she described how she overcame this struggle and is better now.
--Elisa Carias
I love the smoothness of your writing and the flow it carries. I had a connection in several areas of your memoir but my favorite part was when you realized your priorities which included your healing journey, and hearing the outcome of this made me feel happy for you.
--Julie Valdez