Sunday Family Humour 8th March

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Thanks to Steven B.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it must be you.

Year 1931

Thanks to Lee

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. I’m going home, kicking off my walking shoes, lay back in my recliner and take a snooze.

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Texas

Thanks to John C.

Fenders, Skirts and Supper

Thanks to Ray O'.

FENDER SKIRTS AND SUPPER

I know some of you will not understand this message, but I bet you know someone who might.

I came across this phrase yesterday.

'FENDER SKIRTS'

A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'

And 'steering knobs.' (AKA)

'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'

Since I'd been thinking of cars,

my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?'

They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them'emergency brakes?

At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.

But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'

Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.

For that matter, the starter was down there too.

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the

'running board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought.'

Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.

But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!

Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant'

was once considered a little too graphic,

a little too clinical for use in polite company,

so we had all that talk about stork visits and

'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.

I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.

I guess it's just 'bra' now.

'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,'

but I considered 'movie' an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s,

but here's a pure '60s word I came across

the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.'

That was just a fun word to say.

And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.'

How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.

Words like 'Dyna Flow' and 'Electrolux' and 'Frigidaire'.

Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision!'

Food for thought.

Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?

Nobody complains of that anymore.

Maybe that's what Castor oil cured,

because I never hear mothers threatening kids with Castor Oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely

on the endangered list.

The one that grieves me most is 'supper.'

Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word.

Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me.

I thought some of us of a 'certain age'

would remember most of these.

When You Think You Have Seen Everything On Wheels

Thanks to Tony H.

Smiles

Thanks to Lee

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