Sunday Family Humour 2nd August Page 2

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Court Laughs

Thanks to Murray S.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Drones

Thanks to Ray O'

Points to Ponder

Thanks to Tony H.

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It's Called Respect

Thanks to David M.

probably not true but mildly humorous

New High School Teacher

After retiring, a former Gunny Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-Aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence ... The rest of the year went smoothly.

Further South in Alabama

Thanks to Tony H.

Saturday Night

Thanks to Wally

A Minnesotan walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he

sees a guy close by wearing a Green Bay cap, and two beer in front

of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a

Packer Fan . So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone

can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the

Cheesehead over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Packer Fan gives him a big

smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud

voice. This infuriates the Minnesotan.

The Minnesotan once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Cheesehead. As before, this does not seem to bother the Packer Fan. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Minnesotan asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Cheesehead? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is

he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer,

told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Ask her to explain that to you."

New Definitions

Thanks to Ray O'.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends

And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have...

Similar to my character lines.

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