Sunday Family Humour 18th October Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 18th October Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
Why We Love Children
Thanks to John C.
WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT THEM???
Out of the mouths of babes!
WhY WE LOVE CHILDREN
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber told her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Senior Citizen Parking
Thanks to David H.
Happy Moments
Thanks to Bill S.
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Back Garden
Thanks to Bryan W.
If you never knew what goes on in the garden when you aren't paying
attention, watch this - some of the finest photography you'll ever see.
Taken from Louie Schwartzberg TED talk
Very Interesting old sayings explained
Thanks to Carol P.
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
WHY:
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' --- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'
WHY:
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses ?
BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document.
The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
WHY:
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
WHY:
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast ?
BECAUSE:
It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.
When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
WHY:
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
BECAUSE:
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theaters by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the center of attention.
WHY:
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine' ?
BECAUSE:
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain,with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
WHY:
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from ?
BECAUSE:
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.'
He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.
To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’
WHY:
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs ?
BECAUSE:
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
Amazing 3 putt
Thanks to Fritz
Never too old to remember
Thanks to Bill S.
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