Sunday Family Humour 6th December Page 2

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Qantas Airlines

Repair Division

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident..
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Port-a-potty makeover

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Advice For Life

Don’t take life so seriously!

Advice for life 1

Advice for life 2

Advice for life 3


Advice for life 4

Advice for life 5


Advice for life 6
Advice for life 7

Advice for life 8
Advice for life 10

Advice for life 11



Iran has dangerous stockpile of camel dung

"Iran has enough camel dung to give you the hump" said the world's most senior expert in bull dung, who has also studied the difference between bull's and camels.

At the third Annual Symposium of Shi'ites (ASS), the spokesman said "Iran having a nuclear weapon is a dangerous thing, and we seriously believe that they have developed a method of refining and enriching camel dung to turn it into a weapon of mass distraction."

In response, Saudi Arabia's senior camel driver did confirm that the smell from the camels was often massively distracting. When asked if castrating camels with two stones was painful, he replied "Only of you get your fingers caught between the stones".

A report by the IEAA (Institute of Excrement and Anal Analogies) said "Camel dung is one of the most dangerous weapons of mass distraction".

"There are serious concerns that Iran has more than enough dromedary dung to outsmell America's huge volumes of bovine dung, and it is important that America retains control of the world's dung".

When asked how this dangerous situation had been allowed to arise, the main author of the report, Drom Adery said "We underestimated the Iranians. While we have been collection dung from the male sex only , the bull, they have been collecting dung from both sexes, and as we all know, the female sex is just as full of dung as the male sex".

The US defence secretary said "If anyone in Iran was to strike a match within a five mile radius of the stock pile, the resultant flame could have sufficient power to change the orbit of the planet. In fact it doesn't have to be a match - a Zippo would cause the same result".

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