Sunday Family Humour 31st May Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 31st May Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
How to sing the Blues
Thanks to David M.
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores,
here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die, yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. art gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues; Sonny Liston could.
Down-on-their-luck white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Kakie, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues-Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the Blues.
Conservatory Royal Belgium
Thanks to Francois P.
Miscellaneous Gallery
Thanks to David M, Spike and others
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Shilin Stone Forest
Thanks to John C.
The Juggler, By Appointment to Ronald Reagan
Thanks to David H.
16 Short Stories of Greatly Touching Photos
Thanks toFrancois P
Some Thoughts You Might Enjoy
Thanks to Francois P.
It was a Sports Stadium...
8 boys were standing on a track for racing.
Ready !
Steady !
Bang !
With sound of Pistol all boys started running.
Hardly had they covered 10 to 15 steps, 1 boy slipped & fell.
He started crying due to pain.
When other 7 Boys heard him, all of them STOPPED running..
STOOD for a while, turned BACK & RAN towards him.
All the 7 Boys LIFTED the Boy, pacified him, joined hands together,
walked together & reached WINNING Post.
Officials were shocked.
Many Eyes were filled with tears.
It happened at Pune.
Race was conducted by National Institute of Mental Health...
All participants were Mentally challenged.
What did they teach ? Teamwork, Humanity, Sportsman spirit, Love, Care, &
Equality..
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The Power of Silence makes the Impossible Achievable.
When I am faced with a difficult situation, my mind is flooded with thoughts. I also begin to talk about it a lot, describing the problem to all I meet. Then the problem looks so big that I feel I could do nothing to change it. I need to learn the art of silence (mental and verbal). Internal silence brings the right solutions because my mind is calm. And when I don't describe the problem too much to people I will know there is a solution and I will be able to find it too.
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Love-It’s what You were Born to Do
Not something you Get or Give
It’s Who You Are and How to Live
It’s Seeing Beyond the Layers to the Light
Understanding Everyone’s Feelings are Right
Sharing from the Innocence of a Pure Heart
Allowing others to Play their Part
Realizing you are Full and Overflowing
Trusting your Inner Voice and Knowing
Being Happy and Sharing Happiness Too
Giving Full Attention to All you Do
Believing in Someone’s Capacity to Change
Operating from the Present, Letting Trust Reign
In a Glance you can know it All,
Whether it’s Love or Ego’s Draw
If it’s Care, Compassion and Faith
Or If it’s Fear, Suppression and Rape
Wanting to Take this or that from the Other
Now it’s time to Awaken the Mother!
The Mother inside who can Nurture and Heal
In this, Mother Earth can Teach a Great Deal
The Time is Upon us to Realize our Fate
That we were Born to Give and Not to Take
Receiving is the Natural Residual
When each one is a Loving Individual!
Love, It’s what you were Born to Do…
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"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense"
Buddha
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”
- Nathaniel Branden
The gap between what you say and what you do, between what you promise and what you deliver, is like a drain in the road.
The drain is where water escapes, just as your power will seep away if there is a difference between your words and your actions.
Ask yourself everyday, were your thoughts, words and actions aligned?
Ask someone else what they saw in you too.
Feedback is the food of all positive change.
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