Sunday Family Humour 27th September Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Murphy's Real Laws

Thanks to David M.

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off. (Or up)

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it ?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Animal Sounds

Thanks to Francois P.

Anthropomorphic Collectives

Thanks to Francois P.

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns

for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows

Flock of chickens

School of fish

And a Gaggle of geese, and

A Pride of lions.

However, less widely known is:

A Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

An Exaltation of doves

And, presumably because they look so wise:

A Congress of owls

Now consider a group of Baboons.

They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates ...

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not …

A Parliament !

YEP... A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!

Pretty much explains everything doesn't it?

... You just can’t make this up.

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16 Year Old Girl Uses Banana Peels To Reduce Pollution

Elif Bilgin, 16, recently won the Scientific American Science in Action Award at the 2013 Google Science Fair. Why? She discovered an innovative way of reducing pollution in her home city of Istanbul. Elif is able to produce an eco-friendly bio-plastic produced from a very common fruit: the banana. It's impressive that an everyday fruit could be this useful to our world. It begs us to think about all the other potential possibilities that are currently still unknown to us. Watch the video for the full story.

Grandparents Answering Machine

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home,

but please leave your message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children,

dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5

in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre,

start talking ..... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars..

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart..

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.