Sunday Family Humour 2nd August

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

25 One Liners

Thanks to Ray O'.

1. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they're efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs. It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.You have my Word.

7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.Poor bastard.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.Even the cake was in tiers.

11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.

12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.The bartender gave it to her.

14. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

15. Why do cows wear bells?Because their horns don't work.

16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?Aye Matey.

17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -You can hide but you can't run.

18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.If anything, it made him more sluggish.

19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life" But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

21. Someone stole my mood ring,I don't know how I feel about that.

22. I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.

23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club, Is don't talk about chess club.

24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Samsung Safety Truck

Thanks to Tony H.

David M's Gallery

Thanks to David M.

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YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

Thanks to David Hardcastle

Kinda hurts when you pull on that tape . . .

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,

the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

He worried that it might be due to a second surgery the doctors had not discussed with him.

Finally, he mustered up enough energy to pull his hospital gown up so he

could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide

strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the message:

"Get well soon, from the nurse in

the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Corporal Voytek-.Unsung Hero of WW-II

Thanks to Paula M.

Bomb-Sniffing Rats

Thanks to Paula M.

More efficient than many human security.

The Heroic pouched rats (named for the storage pouch in their cheeks) to sniff out bombs quickly and safely.

They used this rat because it has an incredibly fine-tuned sense of smell and a long lifespan (8-9 years) to yield returns on the nine months of training they undergo.

They're called Hero Rats, and not one has died in the line of duty since the program started in 1997.

The average mine requires 5 kg (roughly 11 pounds) of weight to trigger an explosion, but even the biggest of these rats are only around 1.5 kg (3.3 pounds).

Since they're trained to sniff out explosives exclusively, they aren't distracted by other metal objects the way human minesweepers are.

They can effectively search 200 square meters in less than 20 minutes.

A team of humans would need around 25 hours to do the same job.

Since they're in the African sun a lot, the Hero Rats get sunscreen to keep them cancer free.

If a rat does get cancer, it receives full medical treatment.

The rats are "paid" in avocados, peanuts, bananas and other yummy, healthy treats.

After about 4-5 years on the job (or whenever they lose interest in working), they're allowed to retire.

Retirement consists of eating all the tasty fruit their little hero heart’s desire.

Cute Pandas

Thanksn to Francois P.

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