Sunday Family Humour 7th June Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Health Message

Thanks to Bryan W.

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE............??????

Interesting Photos

Thanks to David M.

Photo Show - Amazing Stories

Mesmerising Intersection

Thanks to John B.

This is how a major intersection with no white or yellow lines, no directional arrows, no traffic lights and no one directing traffic works. In this time lapse video we see the intersection at Meskel Square, the nerve centre of Addis Ababa , Ethiopia.

Check out the pedestrians as they navigate the seeming chaos with apparent, though stealthy immunity.

Driving this intersection is not for the timid or patient or the slow-thinker driver.

No one with those limitations would ever get through!

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Revenge Tactics Against Inconsiderate Parking

Thanks to David H.

The Beer Bottle Boys

Thanks to Paul S.

Florida Black Bear

Thanks to Paula S.

This is a nice story . . .

A 400 lb. black bear wandered into a residential neighborhood in Florida.

Black bears half this size have attacked and killed humans across the nation recently

... twice in Florida.

Wildlife officers sedated the bear to safely relocate him,

and that's when things began to go horribly wrong.

The tranquilizer dart sent the bear into a panic and he ran towards

the saltwater Inland Waterway, evading officers .

As he swam further and further out, he became drowsy and started to drown.

But Adam Warwick, a biologist with the Wildlife Commission, wasn't about

to let that happen. Adam went into the water after the bear

... yeah, after a bear … to stop him from going under.

“It was a spur of the moment decision.

I had a lot of adrenaline pumping when I saw the helpless bear in the water dying."

He knew the very high risk, considering the powerful bear was scared and could

have easily became aggressive to defend itself, killing him with a single swipe

or bite. But the bear somehow seemed to know it was in good hands.

It seemed to become calm when under the man's control?

Adam's determination finally got the 400 pound wild creature safely back into shallow water.

Adam suffered only a scratch from the rescue.

Once they reached the shore, other team members came to help.

The team was able to use a tractor bucket to transport the poor guy

back to his home in Osceola National Forest.

Adam rode with him back home ...

a sight you don't see on the highway every day (neither had a helmet).

... where he is safe and happy again and has one honking’ story to tell the grandkids.

Vanishing Words

Thanks to Paul S.

About a month ago, I illuminated old expressions that have become obsolete because of the march of technology. These phrases included don’t touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record and hung out to dry. A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We’d cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers’ lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

Like Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut’s Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or “This is a fine kettle of fish!” we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder’s monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw.

The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I’ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go! Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills.

This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart’s deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging... We can have archaic and eat it, too.

HAVE A GREAT DAY !

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