Difficult Question An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
No Extras! A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.” “I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?” The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”
What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman • If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these: • "Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it." • "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?" • "What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out." • "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?" • "Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!" • "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!" • "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" • "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." • Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." • "Got milk?" • "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
Condom Size Tester A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy strut over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
Cyanide Please A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say 8. Here honey, you use the remote. 7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. 6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! 5. While I'm up, can I get you anything? 4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held. 3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place. 2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. 1. We never talk anymore.
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport 10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20." 9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags." 8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase." 7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!" 6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package." 5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed." 4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed." 3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting." 2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"
Marketing 101 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
3 ways to catch a TIGER: 1:- NEWTON METHOD:- let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed. 2:- EINSTEIN METHOD:- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it. 3:-According to most efficient POLICE METHOD:-Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.
A 90-year- old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Bush Leadership Test While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Condoleezza Rice!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Certainly a halloween party to remember A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Henry ford talking to god Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much front end protrusion, it chatters way too much at high speeds, maintenance is extremely high, it constantly needs repainting, and refinishing, it is out of commission at least five or six of every 28 days, the rear end wobbles too much, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust, the headlights are usually too small, and fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few." "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The brilliant mathematician A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
ITS DARK IN HERE A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
BUMPS INTO WOMEN IN LOBBY A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,"if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Ginne Grants the Wish A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? " She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Old lady who made money betting A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Passing the test
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Which part of your body goes to heaven first? The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie? " Suzie replied:"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
Hypothetical and realistic One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."
Escaped Prisoner A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Whats good for gosse A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Meanwhile, at the drug store A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm
gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
COMPUTER WIN OUT AT THE END One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks....... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
What does a kiss taste like? One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work. Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"
Man finds perfect spot to masturbate The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
Advice from the sex therapist Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems," Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better! Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Boyfriend gets peanut out of ear One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
Call in sick Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
Cook for cock While tending to her housework, a woman asks her husband "Will you please fix the cabinet in the kitchen? It's been barely holding on to it's hinges for weeks now." He replies "Does it say 'carpenter' on my forehead?" Surprised, she lets it go and returns to her housework. As she begins to clean the bathroom, she notices that the lever is getting stuck. She yells from the bathroom, "Honey, the toilet's lever is stuck again! Can you fix it?" She comes into the living room to find him reading the paper. He responds to the puzzled look on her face with... "Do I have "plumber" written on my forehead?" The next day, her husband comes home from work to find the Cabinet fixed, the toilet fixed, and a chipper spouse making the bed in the master bedroom. "Who fixed everything?" "A kind young gentleman came by today, said he was a handyman and asked if I needed anything done around the house. When he finished, he said I couldn't pay him with cash because I don't keep it around the house. He mentioned that was fine and that I could pay him by sucking his dick or cooking him a good meal." "What did you cook for him?" "Does it say "chef" of my forehead?" skuze me. : )
An encounter with enoch Sam has been a stock broker for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday at 7... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years on Wall Street, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn," Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Witnessing the miracle A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
An opportunist's tale A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".
Top 20 Signs That You've Online 1. Tech Support calls you for help. 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL." 3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "you can hang out." 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. You've gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face. 8. You have to get a second phone line so you can order pizza. 9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be "away." 10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences. 12. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 13. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" 14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. 15. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again. 16. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses'. 17. You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook. 18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. 19. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (you were online all night). 20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much 10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Old mobile. 9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday. 8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 7- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 6- Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions. 2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
Sexual Confessional A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "Tell me all of your sins, my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard, and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass, and drink it." "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
Disappointing Frog A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires! The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, Did you do what I told you to do? Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing! she shouts. The owner, looking confused, replies, it’s a perfectly trained frog. I can not understand what’s wrong. He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties. What? she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I m showing you this!
Relationship Advice A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking through the window at us!"
Seasick Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So, Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
Don't Eat the Yellow Snow Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When thier kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want thier children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?"
Girls' Night Out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
What Do I Look Like? A newly wed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber? A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him," she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Blonde Bashing Q- What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A- Pregnant!
Q- What is a blonde's idea of safe sex? A- Locking the car door.
Q- What's the definition of eternity? A- Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.
Q- What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A- Nothing. They've never met.
Comfortable Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
Signs You're Older Now... -You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. -You can live without sex, but not without glasses. -Your back goes out more than you do. -You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. -You buy a compass for the dash of your car. -You are proud of your lawn mower. -Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws. -You call Olan Mills before they call you. -Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. -You sing along with the elevator music. -You would rather go to work than stay home sick. -You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. -You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. -You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. -You make an appointment to see the dentist. -You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. -Neighbors borrow your tools. -People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" -You have dreams about prunes. -You answer a question with "because I said so!" -You send money to PBS. -The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. -You take a metal detector to the beach. -You wear black socks with sandals. -You know what the word "equity" means. -You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV. -Your ears are hairier than your head. -You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. -You get into a heated argument about pension plans. -You got cable for the weather channel. -You go bowling without drinking. -You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Biology Class In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
ASPIRIN A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
LITTLE RED RIDING Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods. The big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to fuck you!"
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a 38 out of her basket, points it at him and says, "Bullshit, you're gonna eat me like the book says!"
MICKY & MINI Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy?" Mickey replied, "No, I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy!"
CINDERELLA Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked step mother won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden her fairy Godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but with 2 conditions: "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the 2nd condition?" "You must be home by 2am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and satisfied. "Where have you been?" Demanded her Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
SNOW WHITE Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, hiked up her dress and then sat on his face screaming, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!"
CHOCOLATE MILK Once there were three guys and a prostitute. The first guy went to her and sucked her nipples and chocolate milk came out. He was excited and told the second guy about her. The second guy did the same thing and the same thing happened, chocolate milk came out. So the second guy went and told the third guy chocolate milk came out of this prostitutes tits, so the third guy went to her and asked "Does chocolate milk really come out of your tits?" The girl said "No it's breast cancer."
Limericks There was a young lady from Leith Who would circumcise men with her teeth It wasn't for fame Or love of the game But to get at the cheese underneath.
There was a young actress from Crewe, Who remarked as the vicar withdrew, The Bishop was quicker and thicker and slicker, and two inches longer than you.
There was a young vampire called Mabel, whose periods were always quite stable, at every full moon she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table.
There was a young plumber from Lee, who was plumbing his girl with great glee, she said stop your plumbing, I think someone's coming, said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!
There was a young man from Pitlocherie, making love to his girl in the rockery, she said look you've cum, all over my bum, This isn't a shag it's a mockery.
A kinky young girl from Coleshill, Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill, They found her vagina, in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil.
3 Eggs And A Little Cash! A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them." Magic Sandals This married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around a busy Bombay marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
The married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild and crazy at the sex, just like great desert camel."
Well, the wife's eyes lit up as her husband wasn't exactly the sex god he thought...far from it in fact. The husband felt he really didn't need them though, "How on earth can a pair of sandals turn somebody into a sex freak???"
The Indian man replied, "Please kind sir, just try dem on...."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many a year!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!" Freezing To Death Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom,
and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." Trouble With Bull An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?" Improving Sex Life A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."
"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..." A Day At The Vet's One day a man took his poodle to the veterinarian. As he walked into the waiting room, he noticed a very attractive young woman with her Great Dane.
He sits next to her, trying desperately to think of *something* to say to this woman. The best he can come up with is, "That's a big dog."
She smiles, and leans over to pat his dog on the head. She turns and says, "Yes, he is. Now, what's wrong with your little dog?"
He replies, "Well, he's a male dog, you see. And whenever we have company over, he trys to introduce various bits of himself to their shins. It's become a problem, so I'm here to take care of it."
"So, why are you and your really big dog here?" He's really hitting it off with her!
"Well, my dog is male too. I have the same problem with him: when I bend over in the kitchen, he jumps up behind me, puts his paws on my shoulders and, well,..."
"Oh, yes, I see," the man interrupts. "So you're hear to get him fixed too?"
"Oh no,... to get his nails clipped."
Blind Man In A Restaurant A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..." One Helluva Nightmare This guy was talking to a friend of his, and his friend said he had a miserable nightmare last night.
The guy says well tell me what it was about.
Friend: I dreamt I went to bed with 3 women last night.
The guy: *surpised* Says that don't sound too bad.
Friend: Well the 3 women were Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hillary Clinton.
The guy: Well still that can't be all that bad.
Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted kneecap, a smaller dick and then I found out I had no health coverage. Ungrateful Wife A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?" Communication Breakdown (23 December 2006)
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!" Pickle Job (21 December 2006) Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too." Trust? (19 December 2006) A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" Trained Frogs (17 December 2006)
Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet... As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Snatch Eating Frogs Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do... 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." The Exterminator (30 November 2006) The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tune. The woman cocked her ear: "Quick, it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But ... but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!" Watch Out, Here Comes Daddy One day a woman went to the doctors. She told her doctor that her and her husband wasn't having a good relationship in bed. So the doctor gave her some viagra pills. The doctor said to give two pills to her husband when they wanted to have sex. And told her to come back the next day.
So the next day she came back saying "Wow, that was great. What if i gave him 5 pills?"
The doctor replied, "Well I wouldn't do it but I guess you can but be sure you come back the next day."
So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying, "Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?"
The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back tomorrow!"
So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my mom to give daddy those pills?"
She replied, "Yes"
The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You bitch!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. My ass hurts, and my daddy is going around the house saying, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
Cowboys, Lawyers, Farmers Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."
Butcher's Pussy One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher." True Story I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
The Colonel A crusty old U. S. Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well that's the hang-up -- you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his atter-of-fact voice, Oh, I don't know, it's only 2130 now."
Wish Fulfillment (18 November 2006) A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." Best Time To Process Your Payment (16 November 2006) Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. "$20 dollars" replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!" Sexual Football Quotes (14 November 2006) The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. It's a game of inches. That hole was so big; you could drive a truck through it. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. He found his tight end. End around. He had to stretch to get it in. He gets penetration in the backfield. He blows them off (at the line). He bangs it in. He could go all the way. He gets it off just in time. He goes deep. He found a hole and slid through it. He pounds it in. He beats them off (the line). He's got great hands. Donald And Minnie (12 November 2006) Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald says "No."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell
them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.
The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT? Intercom System (10 November 2006) One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" A Town Without Women In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?".
The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.
At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?".
To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".
Penis 4 a Day What women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9...
One Night Stand Can Lead To ... A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn,
whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.
"Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New York?"
"Well, yes" answered Topper. "You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely wife and child. I gave her your name because you're a bachelor, and I didn't want any complications. I hope I didn't get you into any trouble."
"No, no, on the contrary," replied his friend. "Her lawyer called me to inform me that I had inherited the manor and the lady's entire estate!"
Perfect Cakes A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."
As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help." Fishing
While out fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any gators around here!?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber replied.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The Sharks got 'em."
Ballerinar A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" The Chili At A Diner A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
Ride In Train A man was traveling in a train for the first time in his life. He was with a friend, who was eating chocolates. The man asked the friend to give him some. The frined gave the whole box and went to sleep, as it was a long journey. The man was excited about his first ride that he ate the whole box of chocolates. After a short while, he felt he should go to the toilet. He went there, only to find a long queue in front of it. He was about to do it in his pants, but there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He woke his frined and asked for his help. The frined said, "Stick your ass out of the window and let the shit go. Let me sleep". The man opened the window, placed his ass out and did it. The shit went all over, including some people who were doing some "Transporting". They got really angry at this and went to the Train's Travel Department to register their complaint. They thought someone vomited on them. The officer looked at them and the slime on them. "Did you see the face of the person who did this? I mean the eyes, lips, anything?", Officer asked. "I don't remember the lips, neither the eyes..." one of the trainspotters said, "...but he had really big cheeks".
A Guy Dies And Goes To Hell This guy dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he's greeted by the Official Hell Tour Guide who proceeds to show him around.
Upon finishing the tour the guide asks, "say, do you smoke?"
The newly dead responds "Oh YEAH, I smoked for most of my life, I'm a real connoisseur of tobacco."
The guide responds with, "Well you're gonna LOVE Sundays! We'll have fine cigarettes from all over the world, the best Cuban cigars, quality pipe tobacco..."
Hell's latest addition is starting to think hey this won't be so bad after all when the guide says "so do you drink?"
"I love drinking", he responds, "my favorite pastime!"
"Well you're gonna LOVE Mondays when we drag out our best bourbons, Caribbean rums, our 25 single malt scotches, fresh Guinness from the brewery..." Our man is really excited now.
"Oh by the way", says the guide, interrupting blissful thoughts of an alcoholic stupor, "Are you gay?"
"What! How dare you! Of course not!", he replies visibly shaken.
"Well you're gonna HATE Tuesdays... Bad Day... A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
Two Statues For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head. Obsessions A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
Superhypersensitive A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him "All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and I'm tired of it!!! We've been to 3 other doctors, and they couldn't help, so now it's in your hands."
The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about sex.
Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:
Hobbies - "Sex!"
Sports - "Sex!"
Fishing - "Sex!"
Dreams - "Sex!"
He even tries the 'inkblot' test, but to no avail. - "Sex!"
At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something - That every subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.
First, he shows him a picture of a car. - "Sex!"
Next, a picture of a boat. - "Sex!"
A house. - "Sex!"
A tree. - "Sex!"
At this point, the doctor has had enough. He shouts: "How can you think of sex when I show you a picture of a house!?! Or a tree!?! I can understand a car or a boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!"
Mr Dillon looks at him and says: "What are you yelling at me for, Doc - You're the one with all the dirty pictures!!!"
Sexual Rhyming Terms WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
A Big Surprise Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!" Register 5 A man was in a long line at the grocery store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy.
He thought what he had seen was way too cool.
He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
"Cleanup, register 5!"
Arrested Student Lots of things go on during "Spring Break" as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge.
"I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved." he testified.
"Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the Judge. "I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies'."
"That's true to a point, your Honor." said the arresting officer. "But what about this young lady here who relieved him?"
A Court Case A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The crown council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a onelegged dwarf - who was waving a flag - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100Km through the centre of Winnipeg, in a blizzard ... and you were totally nude?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said ... "What was the date again?"