JOKES - 1300 TO 1399

1300. A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he

realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!" Moral of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear.

1301. Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

1302. Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green. He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her. Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new

wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn. "No way," he replied. "I can't do that." "Why not?" she asked. He responded, "The last time I did that something terrible happened." "What happened?" she asked. The man answered, "I got a double bogey."

1303. "I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

1304. The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

1305. At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen drunk with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar. "I assume" she snarls, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?" "There is" he replies, “Breakfast.”

1306. “My wife and I always compromise.” “How?” “I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me!”

1307. Wife: “Before our marriage, you used to tell me, ‘You are like a beautiful movie’, Not now.” Husband: “Yes, but at that time, you were a silent movie!”

1308. Wife: “Why do you wear your specs only when I come in?” Husband: “The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache!”

1309. Husband: “Do you know that on an average, women speak between 10000 to 35000 words a day?” Wife: “Yes, that is because they have to repeat everything often to men.” Husband: “What!?”

1310. Husband: “Do u know the meaning of wife?” “Without Infomation Fighting Everytime!” Wife on hearing replies, ‘It also means “With Idiot For Ever!”’

1311. My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night, she turned to me and said, “George, do you know that you are stopping some small village having an idiot!?”

1312. After 40 years of marriage, I took my wife to a hotel room where they had a waterbed - or as she called it the following morning “the Dead Sea!”

1313. My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten minutes, she turned to me and uttered, “But darling, if I were to agree with what you say, then we would both be in the wrong!”

1314. A man and his wife were on the Titanic as it was sinking and just the one life jacket remained. “I love you so much Doris that I will think of you often” - as he put on the jacket and jumped into the sea!

1315. A man comes home from a hard days work to find some weight lifting equipment on the stairs, he asks his wife what the hell she is doing wasting money on the gear, and she says that they will help her increase

her breast size. He says, "All you need is some toilet paper!" She seems puzzled. "Yeah all you need to do is rub the toilet paper between your bust, and it makes them bigger." "How do you know?" she asked. "Well, look what it’s done to your bum!"

1316. A husband and wife were getting ready for bed one evening. "Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?" "No dear, not tonight," she replied. "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer!" "In that case," he said, "may I phone your friend?"

1317. Husband to wife: I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

1318. A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

1319. A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the

sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

1320. A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it. The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left. This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, “No, my husband passed away several weeks ago.” The clerk said, “I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband.” The woman said, “OH, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his ass, and was hit by a car.”

1321. An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!".

1322. Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, "How did you manage to get here today past your wife?" The second man said, "It wasnt easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?" "Well," the second man replied, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom." Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today. "Easy," said the third man. "I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or

Intercourse.' and she replied back, " You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold"

1323. It was their 25th Wedding Anniversary. The man of the house started out to his office as usual. “Neville” his wife called, “Don’t you know what day this is?” “Yes, really I do”, said Neville. “Well, how are we going to celebrate it?” asked his wife. “I don’t know Olivia”, said Neville, scratching his head in confusion, “How about two minutes of silence!?”

1324. The solitary man was looking anxiously as if he had lost something. “Are you looking for anything in men’s clothing sir?” asked a polite assistant. “Certainly not” was the reply. “I’m looking for something in women’s clothing. I’ve lost my wife!”

1325. Wife: “The doctor has come to see you.” Husband: “Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone!”

1326. Husband: “Do you know that John who lives next door has two girlfriends unknown to his wife.” Wife: “Who is the other one!?”

1327. After 45 years of marriage, I looked at my wife carefully and said to her, “Darling, 45 years ago we had a cheap car, a cheap apartment, slept on a sofa bed, watched a small black and white television, but I got to sleep with a gorgeous 21 year old girl every night. Today, I have $1 million house, Ferrari, huge king sized bed, plasma screen hi-definition television but am sleeping with a 66 year old woman.” My wife, being the reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a 21 year old gorgeous girl and she would make certain that I once again would be driving a cheap car, living in a cheap apartment, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a tiny black and white television. Don’t you just love older women – they really know how to express themselves!

1328. A elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately. The wife asked, “Why don't you do that?” The husband replied, “I don't even know that woman!”

1329. Beggar to a lady: “You look like an angel. Kindly give some alms to this blind beggar.” Wife: “Look how he is trying to cheat telling he is blind.” Husband: “He sure should be blind.” Wife: “How do you say?” Husband: “He told that you look like an angel!”

1330. Man1: “My wife says that if I drink once more, she is going to leave me.” Man2: “Oh!” Man1: “Am going to miss her!”

1331. Wife: “I have a happy news for you. Soon we will be three of us in the house instead of two.” Husband: “Wow!” Wife: “Yes, my mom is coming to stay with us!”

1332. Wife: “Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife three times a day, gives here roses every evening. Why don’t you be like that too?” Husband: “Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her!”

1333. Husband and Wife were driving through a highway when they saw some donkeys. Husband: “Are those donkeys your relatives?” Wife: “Yes, kind of. They are my in-laws!”

1334. Man1: “What is the secret of your marriage?” Man2: “We go to the restaurant, have a candle light dinner and walk back home. I go on Fridays while she goes on Sundays!”

1335.Who are the only people who listen to both sides of an argument between husband and wife? The neighbors!

1336. Mr. Anderson: “I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she always bows her head.” Mr. Smith: “Why?”

Mr. Anderson: “Because she is taller than me!”

1337. Out in the park one Sunday afternoon, an elderly couple heard the brass band playing a catchy tune and wondered what it might be called. The man noticed a sign close to the bandstand and said, “It looks as though they list the tune titles there - I'll go and look.” He returned and his wife asked what it was. “One I don't know - it's called refrain from dropping litter!”

1338. An elderly man pondered whether his wife’s hearing capacity was deteriorating. One night he crept up behind the sofa where she was seated and said, “Darling, can you hear anything?” No response. So he moved a bit closer and asked her again. Still no response. He then moved right up to her ear and asked again. She shouted, “For the third damn time Albert, yes I can hear you!”

1339. Two old guys chatting in the park. “Do you know the wife and me were happy for forty years” said the first man. “What happened?” asked the second man. “We met” sighed the first!

1340. Bert and Madge have been married for 60 years and still hold hands whenever they go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple. ”When I let go, she's off to shopping!”

1341. My wife said that she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a long time for her birthday. “What about the kitchen?” I cried!

1342. A husband and wife are having an argument. “I do not hate your relatives; I tell you I prefer your in-laws to mine” he said!

1343. “My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean for the first time last year”, I told my friend. “Jamaica?” he quizzed. “No, it was her idea!” I replied.

1344. My wife asked me the other day, “How can I get rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?” “Chop your head off!” I replied.

1345. I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. As we traveled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat. “What do you have in that bag?” asked the man. “It's a fine bottle of wine for my wife.” He replied, “Excellent swap!”

1346. My wife told me the other day that she had a new job working in a bowling club. “Tenpin?” I asked her. “No, its' full-time!” came her reply.

1347. I went to the supermarket with my wife last week and bought some cheese from the deli. She said to me, “Ooh, I see you've bought some of that Armageddon cheese.” Puzzled I said to her, “Why do you think I've bought Armageddon cheese?” ”Because it says, ‘Best Before End’ on the side of the packet of course!”

1348. My wife came home last week and shouted excitedly, “Quick, pack your bags; I've won £20 million on the National Lottery.” “Where are we going?” I asked. She replied, “What's this we – just pack your bags and get out you useless man!”

1349. A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. “Alice” he gasps, “my dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from next door.” “But you said that you have always hated Bert” said Alice. ”Oh I do dear, I do!”

1350. My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking, so there was the smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on my shirt collar. “I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in at seven in the morning” she bellowed. “Of course I do” I replied, “I want some breakfast!”

1351. I went to the Doctors the other day and was sitting in the waiting room very bored. I picked up a magazine on Airplanes to read. As I went through it, I saw an article called "Rough old Bird." I thought, “Why are they writing about my wife!?”

1352. Man at the Pizza counter: “Why did you bring your pregnant wife to our shop?” Husband: “Because there is a board outside which says 'Free Delivery'!”

1353. Two men talking in a pub. First man said, “How did you get that black eye?” Second man, “My wife hit me and it was all because of television programmes.” “I don't understand” said the first man. “Well, she asked me if I knew what was on TV. and I replied – DUST!”

1354. Two men were chatting in a pub. First man says, “What is your wife’s name?” “Her name is Doris but I call her five horses” replied the second man. “Why do you call her that?” “NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG is all she ever does!” he replied.

1355. When I came back from work yesterday, my wife informed me that the cat had eaten my dinner. “No worries” I replied, “We can always buy another cat!”

1356. Arthur had been away from home on business for several days. On his return, his wife told him how much the dog had missed him. “Every night, Millie would be waiting by the front door for you coming home” she said. “Wow, that is devotion” Arthur replied. “Would you be that concerned?” “Darling” she replied, “If you had been gone all night and I had no idea where you went, you bet your life that I would be waiting at that front door when you got back!”

1357. My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that nobody was left in the house said to the driver, “He’s gone upstairs to tell my mother we are leaving.” Five minutes later, not knowing what my wife had said I exclaimed, “Sorry for the delay but the silly old thing was hiding behind the cupboard so she needed to be poked with a stick to bring her out!”

1358. Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match, a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts, “Gee man, that was really respectful.” “Well, we had been married for over 25 years!” said the other man.

1359. It was a pleasant Sunday morning and four married men are playing a round of golf. At the 9th hole, the first golfer says, “You don't know what it took for me to get here this morning. I promised the wife that I would repaint the whole house next week.” The second golfer says, “I'm in a worse position than you are. I've promised to put down new decking around the swimming pool.” The third guy says, “That's nothing. I've had to design and pay for a state of the art new kitchen for my wife.” They carry on playing and suddenly realize that the fourth golfer has remained silent. “What did you have to promise to get out today?” they asked. “It's a bit sensitive. All I can say is that the foundations will be poured for the new extension on the house next week!”

1360. I returned from my normal round of golf late last Sunday and my wife asked me why I had been so long. “All was fine” I said, “until at the 11th hole, George had a cardiac arrest and died on the spot.” “That's terrible” my wife said. “No kidding. For the rest of the round it was a case of hit a shot, drag George, hit a shot, drag George!”

1361. An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Mam, did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!” The patrolman said, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!” The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

1362. Wife: “What will I get if I keep cooking for you like this?” Husband: “Well, you will get my life insurance money quickly!”

1363. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the 2nd year, the

woman speaks and the man listens. In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbors listen!

1364. Marriage is all about trust and understanding. She doesn't Trust me & I don’t understand her!

1365. Wife: “I am going to London. What gift do u want?” Husband: “A British girl” (Wife returns to India) Husband: “Where is my gift?” Wife: “Wait for nine months!”

1366. Jake was writing something very slowly. Jack asked: “Why are you writing so slowly?” Jake: “I'm writing to my 6 year old son, he can't read very fast!”

1367. (Mike visits Chinese friend dying in hospital) The Chinese says “CHIN YU YAN” n dies. Mike goes to china to find meaning of his friend’s last words. It is, “You are standing on the oxygen tube!”

1368. A guy brings a raccoon home, tells his wife it's a pet. She asks, "Where are you going to keep it?" He replies, "In the bedroom." "But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ she asks. "I got used to you; I'm sure he will too!"

1369. A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple shot of Jack." The bartender pours and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says, "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says, "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years, I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says, "Geez, what did you say?" The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

1370. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the

following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die!" she replied.

1371. A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little while, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once!"

1372. A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

1373. A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her

hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90!

1374. A wife was having coffee with a friend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!" "Well, why don't you dump the bastard?" her friend said. To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds!"

1375. After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey?" "Well sure" she blushed, "But we got to eat sometime!"

1376. "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it" said his wife, "I've tried that. It didn't work!"

1377. A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts, finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

1378. A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife!

1379. A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill." Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. "Yep" he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you!?"

1380. A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door, "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your loving so much!" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica!"

1381. Joe was not a very romantic person and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig!?"

1382. A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy his wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his

offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much!"

1383. Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!'"

1384. A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine!?"

1385. Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband, "A penny for your thoughts" she said. "It's amazing!" he replied, "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

1386. A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!" She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!" The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..." The man sighs and says, "It's started..!"

1387. A Denver Broncos' fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together. "Oh no" the guy said, "They're all at the funeral!"

1388. A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh no! I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

1389. A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today" she said. "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon and I caught more than he did!"

1390. "My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base."

1391. A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, “Autumn!”

1392. A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers" she said. "That's right'' said the husband, "and don't

you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell" he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!"

1393. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

1394. One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?" Peter thought for a second then said, “Yeah I guess I would.” Then, his wife asked, "Well, would you have her as your golfing partner?" Peter replied, “Yep, I probably would do that too.” "But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?" she cried. Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, she is left handed!"

1395. One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. hen I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs.

Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

1396. A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

1397. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well" explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once!'"

1398. Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!'' Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!'' Man: ''Nothing is that funny!'''

1399. A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it!''