CHAPTER 13 - 15

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a

blind woman.

—Samuel Taylor Coleridge

What’s Helen Keller’s favorite song?

See Me, Feel Me.

* * *

Did you know that Helen Keller had a ponytail?

Neither did she.

* * *

What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?


* * *

Why’d Helen Keller never skydive?

It scared the fuck out of her dog.

* * *

Why’d Helen Keller wear yellow socks?

Her dog is blind too.

* * *

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater and quickly returned it to the shelf. She signed to

her friend: “They’re writing some pretty violent books these days.”

* * *

What’d Helen Keller’s mom do when she was bad?

Rearrange the furniture.

* * *

When she was really, really bad?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

* * *

What is Helen Keller’s favorite lightbulb joke?

“What’s a lightbulb and how do you screw it in?”

* * *

What is Helen Keller’s idea of foreplay?

A manicure.

* * *

Why’d Helen Keller begin masturbating at such a young age?

She was trying to read her own lips.

* * *

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

She’s a woman.

* * *

Why did Helen Keller wear skintight pants?

So people could read her lips.

* * *

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

Answering the stapler.

* * *

What was the meanest present that Helen Keller was ever given?

A paint by numbers kit.

* * *

And what was the meanest present Helen get Keller ever gave?

Her first paint by numbers picture.

* * *

How come Helen Keller never changed her baby’s diaper?

So she always knew where to find him.

* * *

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She moans with the other.

* * *

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

Reading a waffle iron.

* * *

How did Helen Keller get hit by a beer truck?

Trying to read a manhole cover.

* * *

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

Answering the iron.

* * *

What did Helen Keller say when she was making love for the first time with her rabbi


“Funny, you don’t feel Jewish.”

* * *

Have you seen Helen Keller’s new house?

Neither has she.

* * *

What was the worst day of Helen Keller’s life?

When she burned her mouth on a slice of pizza and couldn’t taste anything either.

* * *

What did the flasher say to Helen Keller?

“Maybe I should just describe myself?”

* * *


I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

—Dorothy Parker

This one’s for the girls…

—Martina McBride

A three year old boy taking a bath grabs his cock and asks, “Mommy, is this my brain?”

She says, “Not yet, sweetheart.”

* * *

A man is so frustrated with women that he falls to his knees and says, “Lord?”

A voice booms, “YES, MY SON?”

“I don’t understand women. Why did you make them so beautiful and beguiling?”


“But why did you make them a perfect shape that’s so incredible to hold?”


“Yes, but why did you make them so fucking stupid?”


* * *

What do you call a woman with no asshole?


* * *

Why did God give men more intelligence than horses?

So they wouldn’t shit during parades.

* * *

How are men and coolers similar?

Once you load them with beer you can take them anywhere.

* * *

How are men and mascara similar?

They both run at the first sign of tears.

* * *

How are men and government bonds similar?

They both take forever to mature.

* * *

“The doctor,” she said to her husband, “that I visited today, told me I have the breasts of

a 20 year old.”

“What did he say about your 45 year old-flabby-fucking-good-for-nothing-ass?”

“Actually, he didn’t mention you.”

* * *

What do a clitoris, a toilet, and a wedding anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.

* * *

What do they call it when a woman has more than one husband?


* * *

Saul says to his wife, “How about a quickie?”

Rachel replies, “As opposed to what?”

* * *

Why do female spiders eat male spiders after they fuck?

So they don’t have to listen to them snore.

* * *

How are men and toilets similar?

Both are either taken or full of shit.

* * *

Frank was reading the morning paper when he came across an article about a football

player, renowned for his stupidity, who was marrying a beautiful actress. “Why do all the

stupid fuckers get all the great looking women?”

“Thanks,” says his wife, “what a nice thing to say.”

* * *

What do tile floors and men have in common?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for about 20 years.

* * *

A lady walks into a butcher shop and says, “Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, a

chicken, and some dog bones for my husband.”

The butcher says, “Dog bones for your husband? That’s terrible. All fat, no nutrition.

You’ll give him a heart attack.”

“It’s all he eats. He loves them.”

For three years it’s the same order: “Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, a chicken,

and some dog bones for my husband.”

Then one day she walks in and says, “Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, and a


“No dog bones?”

“No. My husband died last week.”

“Heart attack?”

“No. He broke his neck trying to lick his balls.”

* * *

Justin came right out and said it, “How come you never tell me when you’re having an


Justin’s wife said, “You’re never home.”

* * *

“When you die, bitch,” said the husband at the end of a particularly bitter quarrel, “I’m

getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife—Cold As Ever.”

“When you die, asshole,” she said, “I’m getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My

Husband—Stiff At Last.”

* * *

“John asked me to marry him,” Mary told her mother. “But I don’t know if I can.”

“But I thought you loved John.”

“I do.”

“Then marry him. He’s loaded.”

“But he’s also an atheist. He doesn’t believe in heaven or hell.”

“He doesn’t even believe in hell?”


Mother smiled, “Marry him. Between you and me we’ll have him believing in no time.”

* * *

Why is beauty much more important than brains for a woman?

Because most men are stupid, but not many are blind.

* * *

How does a wife piss her husband off during sex?

Calls and tells him who she’s fucking.

* * *

“What can I do?” says a young lady to her friend. “Every guy I bring home my father


“Simple,” says her friend. “Bring home a guy who’s like your father.”

“Those my mother hates.”

* * *

After their first night of sex Bob throws his pants at his wife and says, “Put those on.”

“Those are way too big for me.”

“Never forget that fact and you’ll do okay with me.”

She tosses him her little undies and says, “Put those on.”

“I’m not getting into those.”

“Not until your fucking attitude changes.”

* * *

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

* * *

Where do wives put pictures of their missing husbands?

On beer cans.

* * *

Why don’t married women blink during foreplay?

They don’t have enough time.

* * *

A man walked up to his wife and pinched her ass, “If you firmed this up we could get rid

of your girdle.”

“That’s rude.”

He pinched her tits, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

She grabbed his cock and said, “If you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener,

the UPS guy, and your brother.”

* * *

The horny husband said to his wife, “Time for a quickie?”

“You mean all this time we’ve been married I’ve had a choice?”

* * *

Getting a bit older, and drier, sex had become a quite uncomfortable for Doris but her

husband wouldn’t leave her alone. One day her husband bought her some KY jelly, “This

might help solve your problem with sex.”

She said, “I think you’re right.”

When he left for work she smeared the entire tube all over the front doorknob and locked

herself inside the house.

* * *

Concerned about his new wife’s innocence, on the way to the airport the groom whipped

out his dick in the back of the honeymoon limo, “Do you know what this is?”

“It’s a wee-wee.”

“From now on we’re gonna calls this a BFC. A Big Fucking Cock.”

“Bullshit,” she said, “I’ve seen a lot of big fucking cocks. That’s a wee-wee.”

* * *

A woman told her psychiatrist, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”

“That’s flattering.”

“Not really. I think he’s just after the money I married him for.”

* * *

On their wedding night the man turned off the lights, stripped naked, jumped into bed and

placed his cock in his wife’s hand. “That’s thoughtful, honey,” she said, “but you’ll have to

turn the light back on if you want to write thank you notes.”

* * *

Two sisters met for lunch. “How’s your love life,” said Vicki to Ricki.

“Great,” said Ricki, “I had a date the other night and my new man said those four magic


“Will you marry me?”

“No. Put your money away.”

* * *

Two daughters were concerned about their father’s upcoming marriage. The widower

was marrying a girl younger than themselves. “I don’t get these May-December

arrangements,” said one. “I can see what December gets: a hot little body, the envy of his

friends, some hot sex; but what does May get from December?”

The other sister replied, “Christmas.”

* * *

A woman walks into a bar wearing a full length fur coat. The bartender says, “Lady,

that’s terrible. Do you know how many animals died so you could wear that coat?”

She says, “Do you know many animals I had to fuck to get this coat?”

* * *

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why so sad?”

He says, “My wife told me she’s only going to do it in the Missionary position.”

“Nuthin’ wrong with that.”

“She meant her on her back in bed and me in Africa.”

* * *

A mild-mannered man is sick of his big-mouth boss ordering him around so he enrolls in

a self assertion course. He attends the seminar, practices the visualizations and role-playing

exercises and is feeling pretty good about himself. He wants to try out his new self assertion

skills so he busts through the front door and greets his wife: “From now on I’m the man in his

house and my word is fucking law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the

table. Now get your ass upstairs and lay out my new suit on the bed because I’m going out

with the boys tonight. Then drawn me a fucking bath. And when I get out of the bath guess

who is gonna dress me and comb my hair?”

“My best guess,” she said, “would be the undertaker.”

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the female bartender, “What would you say to a little


“I’d say,” she replies, “What do you want to drink?”

* * *

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she’s given her last blowjob.

* * *


Cucumbers won’t write your name and phone number on the men’s room wall.

A cucumber can get away on any weekend.

A cucumber won’t tell other cucumbers that you are no longer a virgin.

A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

A cucumber won’t drag you to a John Wayne film festival.

At the drive-in you can sit in the front seat.

A cucumber can always wait until you get home.

A cucumber won’t ask, “Am I the first?”

You can fondle cucumbers in the supermarket and know how firm they are before you

take them home.

Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

Cucumbers don’t get “Too Excited”.

A cucumber won’t tell you size doesn’t count.

The average cucumber is at least six inches long.

You can get a room in a hotel without having to check in as “Mrs. Cucumber.”

You can go to the movies and actually see the film.

With cucumbers, you don’t have to be a virgin more than once.

A cucumber won’t give oral sex up for Lent.

Cucumbers don’t have sexual hang ups.

Cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed in high heels.

Cucumbers aren’t into rope, leather, bondage or fucking your sister.

You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

Cucumbers never ask: “Did you come?” “How many times?” “How was I?” “Am I the


Cucumbers aren’t jealous of old boyfriends, your gynecologist, tennis instructor, or hair


Cucumbers don’t want to join your support group.

Cucumbers aren’t into meaningful discussions.

Cucumbers won’t ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.

Cucumbers will never make a scene just because there are carrots in the refrigerator.

A cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother visits.

A cucumber doesn’t care what time of the month it is.

No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh, hard cucumber.

Cucumbers can handle rejection.

A cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache.

A cucumber never wants to fuck when your nails are wet.

With a cucumber you never have to say you’re sorry.

Cucumbers don’t drool, burp, fart, scratch themselves, or leave whisker burns.

A cucumber will never, ever give you a hickey.

After sex a cucumber will never want to shake hands and just be friends.

After sex a cucumber will never call you a cab.

After sex a cucumber will never call his mother, ex-wife, best friend, or therapist.

After sex a cucumber will never tell you he isn’t the marrying kind.

After sex a cucumber will never tell you he is the marrying kind.

Cucumbers stay up all night.

Cucumbers never make you sleep on the wet spot.

Cucumbers don’t leave you worrying for a month.

A cucumber won’t send you to the drugstore for condoms.

Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy would “Ruin it for me.”

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

A cucumber won’t start your crossword puzzle in ink.

Cucumbers aren’t allergic to cats.

Cucumbers don’t get the flu and whine.

Cucumbers will never borrow your car, cell phone, or money.

A cucumber will never use your toothbrush or leave the toilet seat up.

A cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your beer.

A cucumber won’t turn your bathroom into a library.

Cucumbers won’t go through your medicine chest.

Cucumbers don’t leave hair in the sink.

A cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while you are in the shower.

Cucumbers don’t leave their shit-streaked underwear on the floor.

You don’t have to wait until half-time to talk to your cucumber.

A cucumber won’t wear shorts to your office Christmas party.

Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than them.

A cucumber doesn’t have softball practice on the day you move.

You’ll never discover that your cucumber is married, on penicillin, or likes cucumbers

just as much as you do.

Cucumbers don’t compare you to a centerfold.

Cucumbers won’t tell you they liked you better with long hair.

A cucumber will never come home late from work smelling like another woman.

A cucumber never holds your head under the covers and farts, snaps your bra, pinches

your ass, or gives you a wedgie.

You always know where your cucumber has been.

A cucumber will never call you “The Wife”.

Cucumbers don’t have mid-life crises.

A cucumber won’t be upset if he sees you out with a banana from the office.

A cucumber won’t brag to his friends if he gets you pregnant.

Cucumbers go as fast or slow as you want, for as long as you want.

Cucumbers don’t mind if you’re on top.

A cucumber won’t go to Vegas on New Year’s Eve.

Cucumbers don’t have mothers.

A cucumber won’t ask to be put through medical school.

A cucumber doesn’t care if you want to spend Christmas with your family.

A cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually.

Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers

A cucumber will never say, “Let’s keep trying until we have a boy!”

Cucumbers never want to make love with the lights on.

A cucumber will never ask that his little cucumbers be raised Catholic, Jewish, Muslim,

or vegetarian.

It’s really, really easy to drop a cucumber.

A cucumber never rolls over and goes to sleep after he’s had his but before you’ve had



You only eat a cucumber when you feel like it.

* * *

A stunning woman walks into a bar and orders a Chivas. The man next to her says,

“Would you like to spend the weekend with me?”

She says, “Your unabashed and cavalier attitude toward the otherwise serious and sacred

aspects of sexual congress precludes any positive response to your tasteless query.”

He says, “I don’t get it.”

She says, “Precisely.”

* * *

A regular walks into a bar and the bartender has a Metaxa waiting for him: “Thanks.”

The bartender says, “You’re welcome.”

“You and the missus still battling it out?”

“Yes. But after our last go round she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? What did she say?”

“She said: ‘Get your ass out from under the bed you cowardly fuck.’”

* * *

A couple walks into a bar. They order a bottle of champagne and begin discussing who

enjoys sex more, the man or the woman. After a lengthy and persuasive argument by the man

the woman says, “Say your ass itches. You stick your hand down the back of your pants

extend your index finger and scratch like hell. What feels better when you pull your hand out,

your index finger or your ass?”

* * *

A drop-dead-gorgeous woman walks into a bar. She orders a Cosmo and starts crying.

“What’s wrong?” asks the bartender.

“My new husband lost all his money in the stock market.”

“And you feel badly for him?”

“Yes,” she says, “he’s going to miss me terribly.”

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a sloe gin fizz. “Don’t you recognize me?” asks the

bartender. “Four years ago I asked you to marry me.”

She says, “And did I?”

* * *

Two hookers walk into a bar, order a drink and discuss how their evenings went: “The

oddest thing happened to me tonight.”

“What’s that?”

“A man walked up to me and asked how much. I said $100. He tells me he’s only got $20

bucks, then he unzips and shows me the biggest cock I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

“So what did you do?”

“What else could I do? I loaned him $80.”

* * *

Three women walk into a bar, order a round, and begin discussing their boyfriends. The

first one says, “I call my boyfriend Seven-up because he has seven inches and it’s always up.”

The second one says, “I call my boyfriend Mountain Dew, because he always wants to

mount me and do me.”

“I call my boyfriend Grand Marnier.”

The first girl says, “Grand Marnier? Isn’t that some sort of fancy liquor?”

The third girl smiles and says, “Yep.”

* * *

Two Irish sisters, Mary and Molly, are working in the garden when Mary yanks this huge

carrot out of the ground. She says, “My God, this carrot reminds me of my husband Seamus.”

“The size of it?” asked Molly.

“No. The dirt all over it.”

* * *

Doris said to her sister, “I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant.”

“But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?”


* * *

A landlady couldn’t stand it any longer. She barged into her boarder’s room and said,

“Jimmy, take off my shoes.”

He did.

“Now take off my dress.”

He did.

“Remove my bra and panties.”

He did.

“And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again I’m gonna kick your ass outta here.”

* * *

Why are men like grapes?

You have to stomp the shit out of them and keep them in the dark for years before they

become something you’d want to have dinner with.

* * *

Cinderella is visited by the Fairy Godmother who fixes her up for the ball. “But this

time,” says the F.G., “you have to wear a diaphragm.”

“A diaphragm?”

“A diaphragm that will turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight.”

So Cinderella is transformed by a wave of the wand and the diaphragm is in place. She

dances the night away while the F.G. waits. 11:37. 11:52. 11:59. 12:07. 12:41. 1:13. 2:26. and

it’s 3:06 before Cinderella arrives home—with a beatific smile on her face. “Where,” says the

F.G., “have you been. And where’s the pumpkin?”

“I met this great guy who took care of everything.”

“A guy? A mere mortal who can reverse my spell? What is this man’s name?”

Cinderella looks dreamily at the ceiling, “His name was Peter, Peter something.”

* * *

Two women are having their nails done. One of them says, “The oddest thing happened

this week?”


“Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

“That is odd. What are you taking for it?”


* * *

How are Disneyland and Viagra similar?

With both you wait an hour for a three minute ride.

* * *

Why are Lifesavers superior to men?

They come in five colors.

* * *

A divorce lawyer said to his wife after a hard day at work, “I’ve come to the simple

conclusion that common sense can prevent most divorces.”

“And,” she replied, “most marriages.”

* * *

A man goes in for a tonsillectomy and mistakenly gets a sex change. “I’m suing,” he

screams. “I can’t believe I’ll never experience another erection.”

“Oh sure you will,” said the doctor. “It will just be someone else’s.”

* * *

A woman spent nearly half an hour reading cards at a stationery shop. The clerk finally

came over and asked, “May help you?”

“I hope so. Do you have any, I’m sorry I laughed at your dick cards?”

* * *

A lady is doing 30 mph over the speed limit. A cop with a radar gun lurking beneath the

bridge pulls her over. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“I’m late for work.”

“What do you do for a living?”

“I am a rectum stretcher.”

“What does a rectum stretcher do?”

“I put two gloves on, grease up with some KY Jelly, shove in one hand and then shove in

the other hand. Then I pull until the asshole is about six feet wide.”

“What do you do with a six foot asshole?”

“Give him a radar gun and hide him under a bridge.”

* * *

How are men and buses similar?

Both stop before you get off.

* * *

A Muscle Beach muscle-head was showing off by strutting around with a bikini-ed girl

perched on each bicep. “Wow,” said a passerby, “look at the girls on that boob.”

* * *

Grandpa and Billy are digging worms for their fishing trip. Grandpa, always the practical

joker, tells little Billy, “I’ll give you $5 if you can get that worm back into the hole.” Billy

thinks for a minute, runs upstairs and returns with a can of hairspray. He sprays until the

worm is rigid and jams it back in its hole. Grandpa says, “I’ll be right back.” Half-an-hour

later he returns and hands Billy a $100 bill.”

“Grandpa, you said you’d give me $5.”

“I know, the other $95 is from your grandma.”

* * *

A 92 year old woman returned home from bingo to find her 98 year old husband in bed

with another woman. She hit him in the head with her purse, kicked the lady out of the

apartment, then threw him off the balcony where he plummeted to his death, three stories

below. At the arraignment, the judge asked her, “Do you have anything to say in your


“Your Honor, I figured that if he could fuck at 98; he could fly.”

* * *

Dick Cheney bursts into Dubya’s office, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“What’s the good news?”

“God’s on the phone.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“She’s calling from Baghdad and sounds pissed.”

* * *

What’s the difference between Hard Up and Down and Out?

For most guys, about two minutes.

* * *

Why does a man have a hole in his cock?

To get air to his brain.

* * *

A woman walks into a gun shop and says, “I’d like to buy a shotgun for my husband.”

“What does he like: .10 gauge, .12 gauge, .14 gauge?”

“Doesn’t matter. The dumb fuck doesn’t even know that I am going to shoot him.”

* * *

Millie and Willie were watching a boxing match. Two minutes into the first round there’s

a knockout. “Fuck,” says Willie, “two minutes and it’s over?”

Millie says, “Now you know how I feel.”

* * *

A hiker finds a lamp and, of course, rubs it and a genie appears: “You have one wish.”

“I’m career oriented. I want the world’s most challenging job—an occupation no man has

ever attempted.”

“Poof,” says the genie, “you’re a housewife.”

* * *

The boss calls the secretary into his office. “Who the fuck,” he says, “told you that just

because I slept with you can sit around all day and do nothing?”

“My lawyer.”

* * *

“Mommy,” says the little boy, “I want to be a surfer dude when I grow up.”

“I’m sorry honey,” she replies. “You can’t do both.”

* * *

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. Men will screw anything.

* * *

How are parking spots and men similar?

All the good ones are either taken or handicapped.

* * *

Why are guys so good at video games?

Great eye-hand coordination developed through years of masturbating.

* * *

Why do men have clear consciences?

Because they never use them.