JOKES - 500 TO 599
500. How do you confuse a blonde? Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
501. How does a blonde try to kill a fish? She drowns it.
502. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
503. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
504. Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them." "I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
505. How does a blonde part their hair? By doing the splits.
506. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
507. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
508. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? More leg-room!
509. Why don't blondes use vibrators? They chip their teeth.
510. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
511. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips.
512. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.
513. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? She sold her car for it..
514. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
515. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Their both empty from the neck up.
516. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
517. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
518. A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
519. What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
520. Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
521. A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
522. A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
523. The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
524. A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
525. An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."
526. A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?" "No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
527. A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red. "What happened?" he asked. "I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear," she replied. "Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?" he asked. She frowned and replied "The jerk rang back!"
528. A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend.” “Why?” “He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"
529. A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, "What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper." "Just use the copier machine paper," replied the other secretary. With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.
530. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", a blonde put "Sagittarius"
531. When a blonde saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
532. When a blonde missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
533. One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
534. A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
535. A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. "Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat. "Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" she replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
536. Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo." Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo." "Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."
537. There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..." Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?" The brunette replies, "Just counting." The blonde says, "May I join you?" "Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying," 21, 21, 21..." A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
538. How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive.
539. A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
540. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts? Change.
541. What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home? He moved ten miles away.
542. A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
543. A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before." She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
544. Did you hear about the blonde coyote? She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.
545. A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
546. A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"
547. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life I just want to go home." POOF , she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF , she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."
548. A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
549. A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
550. Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
551. A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I’ve ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of her life. She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.
552. Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
553. An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
554. A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!'' yelled the blonde. The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy. ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?'' The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''
555. After a long night, the blonde asks her friend: "Say, do you have AIDS?". "NO!", the guy answers firmly, "Of course not!" "Oh, that???s good", replies the blonde, "I don't wanna catch it again".
556. Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
557. There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"!
558. A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
559. There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
560. The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
561. A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go to the toilet, 83% said it was to go home!!
562. One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried. "Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
563. There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again." So the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again. The red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again. Then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." then the blonde said "i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!"
564. A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a proffesional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a proffesional wretler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
565. There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early. After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned. The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early. As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word. The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. "NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"
566. A blonde had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
567. A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
568. Theres a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all stranded on an island. The first day they look north for land, and they don't see anything. The second day, they look to the south for land, but don't see anything. The third day, they look east for land, but again, don't see a thing. Then, finally the fourth day, they see land to the west. First the redhead tries to swim across to land, but drown's quarter of the way. Then, the brunette tries, but only gets half way, then drown's. Finally the blonde tries. She swims three quarters of the way, gets tired, and swims back to the island.
569. One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you have to do..." said the dispatcher, "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
570. In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
571. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer. The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says, "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks, followed them and got hit by a train."
572. Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
573. A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
574. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen." "A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?" "Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."
575. Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude. "No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of thing." "But what if I double your fee?" he pleaded. "Nope, sorry. Won't do it." "How about I give you five times what you normally get?" "Oh, okay then," said the artist, "but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes."
576. A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, "Are you going to Sydney?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."
577. One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in."
578. This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"
579. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
580. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted!
581. Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone.
582. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper.
583. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor.
584. Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks. The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks." The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks." The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!" Then they get hit by a train.
585. A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet
586. Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag. 1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?" 2nd blonde: "Chickens." 1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?" 2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!" 1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."
587. A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
588. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were running away from the cops. They ran into a barn, and each hid in a sack. The cops came and kicked the sack with the redhead in it, she said, "meow..." The cops said, " It's just a cat," and goes on and kicks the sack with the brunette. She says, " woof..." The cops say, " It's just a dog." They kick the sack with the blonde and she says, " Potatoe..."
589. Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
590. Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex?? A:Lock the car doors!
591. Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of
the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."
592. Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All the blondes applauded.
593. A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
594. There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of the blondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours went by and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours went by and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondes said someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrows left.
595. Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
596. Top 10 Blonde Inventions: 1. The water proof towel 2. Solar powered flash light 3. Sumberrine screen door 4. A book on how to read 5. Inflatable dart board 6. A dictionary index 7. Ejector seat in a helicopter 8. Powdered water 9. Pedel powered wheel chair 10. Water proof tea bags
597. There is three blonds playing Jeperady. The anoucer says, "This is the final question. How many "D's" are in Jeperady?" The first blond goes 1." He goes up to number 2 and she says "1000." "I'm not even going to ask," the anoucer said. He goes up to the third blond and she says "33" How did you get 33?" he asked. The blond goes, Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...
598. A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?" She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
599. You and your two blonde friends (Melisa and Sarah) are stranded on a desert island.You have no food at all with you and you are all starving.Then you guys found a piece of bologna.None of you want to share it and you guys don't know how to decide who keeps it. Then you said that whoever had the best dream would win the bologna.The next day you ask Melisa what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was rich.Then you asked Sarah what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was richer than Melisa.Then they asked you what your dream was.You said that you didn't have a dream but you wrote a poem. They asked you what it was.You said: "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony.While you guys were all asleep I ate the damn bologna!"