SCHOOL JOKES

A young male virgin - a shy college freshman - was fortunate enough to have an

2406 experienced roommate who offered to fix him up with the campus floozy. The roommate said all you’ve got to do is show her a good time, and she’ll be over you like a rash.

So the shy virgin wined her and dined her, and on the way home parked his car in a dark lane. Plucking up courage, he blurted out: ‘I sure would like to have a little pussy.’

The girl replied: ‘Me, too. Mine’s the size of a bucket.’

2407 A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

‘Mom, I have to tell you,’ the girl confessed. ‘I lost my virginity last weekend.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ said her mother. ‘It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.’

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‘Well, yes and no,’ replied the student. The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore.

The science teacher stood in front of the class and said: ‘Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?’

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Little Jimmy raised his hand and said: ‘I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.’

The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Jenny.

Little Jenny said: ‘I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari.’

The teacher smiled, then called on little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said: ‘I would want silicone.’

The teacher asked: ‘Silicone? Why silicone?’

Little Johnny said: ‘Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!’

2007 At scdo °' one da y- the teacher said: Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Now, does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

Little Johnny put up his hand: ‘Me, Miss Johnson, me, me!’

‘All right, Johnny,’ said the teacher. What is your multi-syllable word?’

‘Mas-tur-bate,’ he replied.

‘My!’ said Miss Johnson, blushing. ‘That’s a mouthful!’

Little Johnny said: ‘No, Miss Johnson, you’re thinking of a blow job.’

2008 What was Dolly Parton voted in school? - Most likely to breast-feed Ethiopia.

One morning, the teacher noticed a small boy squirming at the back of the class, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. When she asked him what the problem

2009 was, he said that he’d recently been circumcized and was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go to the principal’s office and to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

The boy went to the principal’s office and then returned to his class. A few minutes later, there was a sudden commotion at the back. Investigating, the teacher found him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

‘I thought I told you to call your mother?’ said the teacher.

‘I did,’ said the boy. ‘She told me if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me

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up from school.’

2010 Teacher: Why weren’t you at school yesterday?

Little Johnny: My grandpa got burnt.

Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that. He wasn’t burnt too badly, was he?

Little Johnny: Oh, yes. They really know what they’re doing at those crematoriums.

2011 ° ne ^ ay ’ during a lesson on English grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ twice in the same sentence.

First, she called on Monica who responded with: ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.’

‘Very good, Monica,’ said the teacher. Then she asked David for his answer, and he said: The beautiful flowers make the whole garden look beautiful.’

‘Excellent, David,’ said the teacher. Then she asked Little Johnny for his sentence.

Little Johnny answered: ‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said: “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!”’

2012 After class ’ a busty thirteen-year-old girl went up to the male teacher and said: ‘Can you give me a cigarette?’

‘No, of course not,’ said the teacher. ‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’

‘OK,’ she said. ‘But I’d still rather have a cigarette.’

Little Jenny had little interest in Sunday School and usually slept through class. One day

2013 the teacher called on her while she was napping. Tell me, Jenny,’ she said. ‘Who created the universe?’

When Jenny didn’t stir, Johnny, who was sitting in the chair behind her, jabbed her in the backside with a pin.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Jenny.

‘Very good,’ said the teacher, and Jenny fell back asleep.

Twenty minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny: Who is our Lord and Saviour?’

Jenny remained sound asleep until Johnny came to her rescue again by prodding her sharply with the pin.

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‘Jesus Christ!’ shouted Jenny.

‘That’s right,’ said the teacher, and Jenny went back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny a third question: What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Jenny jumped up and shouted: ‘If you stick that fucking thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your arse!’

The teacher fainted.

The dean at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing students on sexual morality. ‘In

2014 moments of temptation,’ she said, ‘ask yourself this: is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?’

A girl at the back asked: ‘How do you make it last an hour?’

The young female teacher walked into the classroom and noticed that someone had written the word ‘Penis’ in tiny letters on the chalkboard. She hastily rubbed the word off and began class. The next day the word ‘Penis’ was written again, this time in slightly larger letters. Not wishing to draw attention to the incident, she quickly rubbed out the

2015 offending word and started class. This went on for the rest of the week. Each morning, the word ‘Penis’ would be written on the board in ever-increasing size and each time she would rub it off vigorously. When the teacher arrived at school the following Monday, she expected to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the message: The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.’

2016 was f' rst a new sc * 100 ' Year- Three boys arrived late for class, and the

° teacher asked the first boy: ‘Why are you late?’

The boy replied: ‘I’ve been on Honeysuckle Hill.’

Take your seat,’ said the teacher.

Then she asked the second boy why he was late.

‘I’ve also been on Honeysuckle Hill,’ he answered.

And when the teacher asked the third boy why he was late, he gave the same answer. As the boys were sitting down, a girl walked in to class.

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‘Let me guess,’ said the teacher. ‘You too were on Honeysuckle Hill?’

‘No,’ the girl replied. ‘I am Honeysuckle Hill.’

2Q17 Little Johnny was sitting in his Catholic school classroom. The nun said: ‘Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?’

‘Sure,’ said Johnny. They go out back of the school yard.’

A kindergarten teacher was taking her class through the alphabet by asking them to 2018 name words that began with each letter. However she was anxious to avoid the answers of one child, Darryl, who had a tendency to use rude words.

She began with ‘A’, and everyone put up their hands. Ignoring Darryl, who was almost certain to say ‘ass’, the teacher instead asked Lisa, who came up with ‘apple’. She then moved on to ‘B’. Again the whole class raised their hands but, rather than hear Darryl shout something like ‘bitch’, the teacher opted for Alvin, who offered ‘bridge’. But as the teacher pressed on through the alphabet, the children’s enthusiasm began to wane until, by the time she reached ‘R’, only Darryl had his hand raised. She realised she had no choice but to hear Darryl’s suggestion.

‘OK, Darryl,’ she said, taking a deep breath, ‘what word starts with “R”?’

‘Rat,’ replied Darryl.

‘Rat?’ repeated the teacher incredulously, but hugely relieved. ‘That’s it? Rat?’

‘Yeah,’ said Darryl. ‘Big-ass mother-fuckin’ rat with a twelve-inch dick!’

The male biology teacher at a girls’ private school asked during class: ‘Miss Hodgson,

2019 would you name the organ in the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions?’

A shocked Miss Hodgson replied loftily: ‘I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.’ And with that, she sat down, redfaced.

Unperturbed, the teacher called on Miss Upton and asked the same question. Miss Upton, with calm composure, replied: The pupil of the eye, in dim light.’

‘Correct,’ said the teacher. ‘Now, Miss Hodgson, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not done your homework; two, you have a dirty mind; and three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment!’

A young female teacher was giving a lengthy assignment to sixth grade, a task which

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2020 required her to write high on the chalkboard. As she did so, she could hear one of the boys giggling.

‘What’s so funny, Eric?’ she asked.

‘I just saw one of your garters, Miss.’

The teacher was furious. ‘Get out of my classroom, and don’t come back for three days!’

As the class settled down again, she realized she had omitted a word from the top line and reached up high on the chalkboard. Once again, she heard a boy giggling.

‘What’s so funny, Billy?’

‘I just saw both of your garters, Miss.’

The teacher was even angrier than before. ‘Get out of my classroom, and don’t come back for three weeks!’

She was now so flustered that she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she heard more giggling. She stood up to see little Johnny leaving the classroom.

Where do you think you’re going?’ she barked.

Little Johnny replied: ‘From what I just saw, my school days are over!’

A reunion brought four old schoolfriends together for the first time in thirty-five years.

2021 While one guy went to the toilet, the other three started boasting about how successful their sons were in their chosen careers.

‘My boy is doing so well,’ said one. ‘He owns his own factory making furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole load of brand new furniture. I’m so proud of him.’

The second said: ‘My son is doing every bit as well. He has worked his way up to being manager at a leading car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. I’m so proud of him.’

The third said: ‘My son’s a great success. He’s a bank manager. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house. I’m so proud of him.’

Just then the fourth guy returned from the toilet. The others said they had just been talking about how successful their sons were. The fourth guy shook his head despairingly.

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‘I’m afraid my son hasn’t amounted to much. You see, he’s gay. But I guess he must be doing something right because just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends.’