Johnny goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the sheep. To his dismay he cannot get them to lamb so seeks advice from an old mate, brought up in country ways. Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the moors at the dead of night and shag them yourself, says the friend. Then in the morning if they're lying down they'll be pregnant. So that night Johnny does as hes been told, takes them up to the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good shagging. Next morning he looks out of his window but they're all standing up. So next day he tries again, takes them up the moors in his tractor, does the business, but the next morning they're still all standing up. The following night he goes through the routine again but the next morning hes woken up by a terrible noise. Bloody hell, he curses, looking down into the farmyard. The sheep are all sat in the tractor sounding the horn

Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, Have you ever been hugged? The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him if he has ever been fucked. No, no, he stammers, his face lighting up in anticipation. Well, you are now, she replies the tides coming in.

Hello, Colin, what are you doing riding around on that woman's bicycle? Well, its a long story, replied Des. I was on my way into town when this lady passes me on a bicycle. She stops, waits for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes off! You can have anything you want, she says, so I took the bicycle. I'm not a pervert, I don't wear women's clothes.

The young couple had just got down to business when the girl suddenly stopped. Whats wrong, sweetheart, am I hurting you, shall I take it out? Yes, she murmured. Would you mind taking it out and then putting it in a few times until I make up my mind?

A naive young man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change. You went through all that just to protect a few coins? they asked amazed. Oh I see, said the man. For a while I thought you were after the £500 hidden in my shoe.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when she was suddenly attacked by a huge wolf. At last, at last, laughed the wolf. I'm going to eat you all up. Oh sod it, said Little Red Riding Hood, doesn't anyone fuck these days?

Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the mans wig fell off when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his girlfriends skirt. Oooh she moaned, Go on, go on, that's it. No, it cant be, he said. I part mine on the right.

Tom was so shy he'd never had the courage to ask a girl out so his mate Jack decided to take him out on the town and get him laid. Halfway through the evening they were drinking in a nightclub when a girl at the other end of the bar winked at Tom. Hey, Jack, he stuttered, that girl over there winked at me. What shall I do? Wink back, said Jack. A little later she smiled at him. Hey, Jack, shes smiling at me now. Well, smile back, said Jack. A moment later he turned to his mate again and gasped, Jack, Jack, shes just leant forward and shown me her tits. What should I do? Show her your nuts, said Jack who was busy chatting up someone else. So Tom turned to face the girl, put one finger in his ear, one finger up his nose and hollered like a jackass.

A naive young man was encouraged to dance with one of the village girls. As the dance became faster, one of the girls earrings dropped off and fell down her back. Be a darling and get that for me, she asked her partner. Yes, he stammered, but the more he reached for it, the further down her back it fell. Ahem, he said, blushing madly. I feel a perfect arse. Really? Thank you, my tits are pretty good as well.