JOKES - 600 TO 699

600. There was a blonde, a brunette, a red-head and a bald woman stuck on a desert island. The brunette decided to swim home, but got 1/3 of the way there and drowned, The red-had decided to try, but drowned 1/4 of the way there. The blonde decide that she had to risk it, so she swam 1/2 of the way there when she stopped and swam back. "Why did you come all the way back, when you were half way home?" screamed the bald woman. "well", said the blonde "I was going to carry on, but I got tired and thought I'd rest first".

601. A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

602. A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. "Something brushed against my rightr leg!!" "Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?" "Yea and it keeps doing it." she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. "Hold up. That was just my left leg.

603. There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever. The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever.

604. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

605. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!"

606. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to herself, “oh well!” and turned around and drove home. On his way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES". By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

607. There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact. They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The first one opens it and says, "This person looks familiar". The second one says, "Let me see." She looks at her friend and says, "Silly, that's me!"

608. A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.

609. What is it that prevents Blondes' admission to College? - High School!

610. A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

611. A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

612. Question: “How many blondes would it take to find their way out of a maze?” Answer: “No idea, as none have ever made it out yet!”

613. A blond arrives home to find that her dwelling has been burglarized. The residence has been cleaned out. She calls 911 to report the crime then waits for the police to arrive. A K-9 Unit is the closest cruiser to the blond’s house, so the officer responds. Upon arrival, the blond sees the K9 car pull up and the officer and his "partner" exits the unit. Suddenly, the blond sat down on the front steps of the house and begins to sob, "I can't believe it. My house gets broken into, they steal everything I own, and on top of it all, they send me a blind cop!"

614. A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."

615. Dad writes on son's Facebook wall: Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

616. A guy was trying to check his email. He typed: DoubleUDoubleUDoubleUDotZeeMailDotCom!

617. Three Signs that you need to get away from the computer: 3) You try entering your password on the microwave! 2) You email your kids in their room to tell him that lunch is ready, and they email you back, “What's for lunch dad!?” 1) You chat several times daily with a stranger from Australia, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor in months!

618. Jake: “What are you looking for so intensely in the keyboard?” Carl: “It says 'Press any key to continue' and I don’t see the 'any' key!”

619. Do you know what the computer thinks when you sit in front of it? INTEL Inside. Mental Outside!

620. What do you call a pen inside a moving car? A Pen Drive!

621. One man had a crow as a pet which was soft and smooth. What will he name it as? Mi-Cro-Soft!

622. You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!! As we haven’t got programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation!

623. They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with, "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." "No" replied the super computer immediately, "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout!"

624. The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results!

625. Programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." Son: "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide!?"

626. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language!

627. Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it!

628. A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem. The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination." The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive." The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem." Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again!"

629. Question: Definition of an upgrade? Answer: Take old bugs out, put new ones in!

630. Question: What do computers eat when they get hungry? Answer: Chips!

631. Question: How is the new iMac like a woman? Answer: Neither one will take a 3 1/2 inch floppy and they both like a big hard drive!

632. Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat!"

633. Question: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Answer: Because it is below C level!

634. Question: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? Answer: A virus does something!

635. Question: Why is sex like software? Answer: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free!

636. First man: “You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.” Second man: “That gives a whole new meaning to the words, “General Protection Fault!”

637. This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98!?"

638. The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd!"

639. A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks, "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached!?”

640. An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later, she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand!

641. Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user license agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MB more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'!

642. The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit! 2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner! 3. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)!" 4. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)! 5. User Error: Replace user! 6. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)!" 7. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way!

643. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages!

644. Question: Why can't MICROSOFT built any cars? Answer: Because when an accident happens, the airbag always asks: "Are you sure!?"

645. Question: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? Answer: 3 years!

646. Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [The waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00! Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50! Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00!

647. Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples: * Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy? * 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death and data loss. Guess which has occurred!?

648. Spending too much time on the computer? Here are some common indicators: 1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get ''long-service to the company'' awards. AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE... 13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends. 15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net. 16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9. 17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9. 18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself. Finally: 19. You've read this before!

649. 99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, Fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code, 101 bugs in the code, Fix one bug, compile it again, 103 little bugs in the code!

650. ADA: A Dumb Arrangement BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code C: Confusing COBOL: Completely Outdated, Badly Overused Language COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-land LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language!

651. IBM: Idiots Built Me IBM: Intense Bowel Movement IBM: Inferior But Marketable

652. Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

653. A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis'. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

654. 1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. 2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message? 3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV. 4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign. 7. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 8. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other!

655. There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away!"

656. One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

657. Question: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? Answer: The warning label!

658. 1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. 2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. 3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99. 4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard. 5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. 6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move. 7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter aying how you "really are important to us." 8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "We're Sorry, This Store is Temporarily Unavailable" 9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. 10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation. 11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up. 12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money!

659. Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are: GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representative’s state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault. $$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention. ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited. MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window. FUD key - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory. Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time. IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the Setup MSN files from Windows! RW98 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 98. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 98 users, why not make it easier? FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for!

660. A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lampprison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch!"

661. A computer programmer happens to cross a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the

frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!" The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer" he replies, "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat!"

662. Trying to explain to a five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, a father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, the daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

663. How to know your Net Relationship’s over: All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!! She tells you that she’s been working a lot. And…. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

664. If Microsoft made cars… In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself, The GM CEO): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. • Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT .” But then you would have to buy more seats. • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. • The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light. • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

665. A guy once wanted to transfer some files form one PC to another. Following was the steps followed by him. 1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which he wanted to transfer and selected CUT option. 2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC. 3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file. 4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.

666. Types of Woman: HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. INTERNET woman: Difficult to access. SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her. CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster. EMAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS woman: Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!

667. Here is a interview given by a guy for the job in java office… Interviewer: Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ? Guy: Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres. Interviewer: I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow? Guy: Send it through courier. Interviewer: Can I modify an object in CORBA? Guy: As you wish , I do not have any objections. Interviewer: How to communicate 2 threads each other ? Guy: Sorry, Non living things can’t communicate. Interviewer: Explain RMI Architecture? Guy: I am a computer professional not an architect student. Interviewer: What is JAR file ? Guy: File that can be kept inside a jar. Interviewer: How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script? Guy: I will give invitation. Interviewer: What is bean ? Where it can be used ? Guy: A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used. Interviewer: Write down how will you create a binary Tree ? Guy: When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.

668. Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf. He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.” Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of theMiddle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East. The Genie replies, “I don’t know I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?” Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us. The Genie says, Let me see that map again.

669. Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Tech support: That doesn’t sound good, I’ll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn’t inserted it yet, It’s still on my desk. Sorry….

670. At a software conference in india, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had made the flight control software how many of you would leave from the plane immediately?” Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even keep rolling pas the runway, let alone take off.

671. A computer service guy got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

672. Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his Childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer?” Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.” She next showed him a pocketsized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at all!!” Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.” The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?” The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid idiot! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers! “ So saying she disappears….

673. How to irritate Bill Gates: * Steal his "nerdboy" license plate. * Accuse him of sexually harassing your laser jet printer. * Beat his high score on Tetris. * Ask him if they caught the guy who did that to his hair. * Tell him you heard he's "micro soft." * Leave his Spock ears on your dashboard so they melt. * Let the air out of the tires on the Gatesmobile. * Drop hints that Oprah's richer than he is. * WWW him right in the dot-com. * Two words: Dork tax.

674. Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women: 1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer 2. Women don't have motherboard fixations. 3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive 4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions. 5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem. 6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates. 7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20. 8. Women have bigger SMART drives. 9. Women don't think with their joysticks. 10. Women actually read installation manuals.

675. There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

676. When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge fivehundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

677. One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven. When he got there he met God. God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?" Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?" So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white. Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun. Bill Gates choose Hell. A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?" God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".

678. Dot Com Mergers: In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies: Disney Data General United Health Care. The names of the new mega company will be: Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.

679. A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in the next seat, "..and where are you going?" "I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replies. "Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of you."

680. The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it. After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine. One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"

681. A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it..."

682. A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

683. Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert. Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

684. "This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."

685. Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change the light bulb?? A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

686. What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.

687. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Internet, and he won'tv bother you for weeks!

688. I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

689. You've been programming too long, When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets" When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

690. Dear Ann Landers, I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

691. Womens are like computer virus...they ENTER your life...SEARCH your pocket...SHIFT your balance ...CONTROL your life...when you become an old version DELET you from the system

692. Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up emptyhanded. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

693. A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out and the car rolls to a stop. The three heroes pile out to investigate. The salesman announces sadly, “Time to buy a new car!” Says the hardware engineer, “Well, first let’s try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it.” Replies the software engineer, “Now, let’s just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself.“

694. Jake enters a store that sells curtains. He tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.” He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he needed. Jake replies, “Fifteen inches.” “Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small, what room are they for?” Jake tells him that they aren’t for a room, they are for his computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, “But, sir, computers do not have curtains!” Jake says, “Hellllooooooooo……..I’ve got Windows!”

695. Ever wondered what microsoft would look like if it built a car ? Hm.. It will of course have windows. A lot of high tech windows.And here are 2 things that I am pretty sure that microsoft will implement. • The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off. • To turn of the engine the driver would have to first press the start button

696. Judge: You have committed eight burglaries in one week. How is that? Accused: Working day and night, My Lord! If everyone works like I do, our country will be on the real way to prosperity!”

697. A lawyer got annoyed with the judge and started to quit the court after collecting his briefs and notes. “Do I understand sir”, demanded the judge, “That you wish to show your contempt for the court.” “No, your honour! Not at all” replied the lawyer, ‘I do not want to show my contempt; I am trying to conceal it!”

698. A lawyer wanted to locate a young woman who had fallen heir to a large fortune. The police were called in to assist in the search. The case was placed in the hands of a young and clever detective. Several weeks passed by without any information and the lawyer was beginning to feel concerned over the matter, when the young detective appeared on the scene. He smilingly informed the lawyer he had located the heiress. “Where is she?” asked the lawyer. “At my place”, replied the detective, “we were married yesterday!”

699. A famous lawyer once fought for a lady. He handled the case ably and won it for her. The lady called on him and said that she did not know as to how to express her gratitude to him. Promptly came the reply from the lawyer: “Ever since the Phoenicians invented money, that is the only way to express gratitude to a lawyer!”