JOKES - 1800 TO 1899

1800. Two friends were out hunting one day when one collapsed suddenly. His friend checks for signs breathing but there seems to be none. He calls the emergency services on his mobile phone. “My friend has died” he sobbed, “What should I do?” The operator tells him in calm relaxed voice, “First thing is to make sure that he is actually dead.” After a few seconds silence, a loud shot can be heard. The man returns to his phone and says,

“Okay what next!?”

1801. Two old men were chatting in the park. First man said, “My wife puts our wealth down to the old adage that behind each successful man there is his woman.” The second man said, “And mine always said behind a fall of each successful man there is always someone else's woman!”

1802. Two men are chatting in a bar. First man says, “I've had terrible luck with both of my wives.” “How come?” said the second man. “Well” said the first man, “My first wife left me .... and my second wife hasn't!”

1803. Two men chatting in a bar. First man says, “I can go ten days without sleep.” Second man asks, “How can you do that?” “Easy, I sleep at night!” said the first man.

1804. Two country yokels are talking in the pub. First man says, “I failed my driving test last week.” Second man asks, “What did you fail on?” “Road signs” replies the first man, “The examiner asked me, ‘What sign do you expect to see when driving down a country lane?’” I replied, “Fresh farm eggs – 90 pence a dozen!”

1805. Two drunks are in a pub talking. Man No.1: “I heard that you recently formed a rock group.” Man No.2: “Yup, I’ve formed a quintet.” Man No.1: “How many is that then?” Man No.2: “Four.” Man No.1: “Four – you sure?” Man No.2: “Yup – me and my three brothers.” Man No.1: “You have three brothers?” Man No.2: “Nope, whatever gave you that idea!”

1806. Frank: “It’s my girlfriend’s birthday today. What gift shall I give her?” Eddie: “How will she look like?” Frank: “She looks great, sexy.” Eddie: “Then give her my cell number!”

1807. One man chatting to another in a bar. The first man said, “On a business trip last week, I had a gorgeous young lady knocking on my

bedroom door all night.” “Wow! You lucky bloke” said the second man. “Not really, I was forced to let her out eventually!”

1808. Bob and Harry were in a bar. Harry says, "Sorry I'm late. I've just returned from a pleasure trip. “Oh where have you been?” asked Bob. “Just dropped the wife off at the airport!”

1809. I had a bad argument in a bar the other day with a very large bloke who said that he would wipe the floor with my face. I toiled him that wasn't a good idea. When he asked why I replied, “You will never get into the corners properly!”

1810. Two friends are talking in a pub and one of them is not too bright. He says, “You would never find me taking a holiday in the USA.” “Why not?” said the second man. “Well, they all drive on the other side of the road to here”, he replied. “Why is that a problem?” said the second man. “Well, I tried it driving around town yesterday and it was awful!” replied the first man.

1811. “I lost my credit card three weeks ago but haven't reported it” said Joe to his mate in the pub. “Why not?” asked the friend. “Well, the thief is not spending as much as my wife did!” he replied.

1812. Nicholas was driving along a country lane the other day when a man in a car driving in the opposite direction wound his window down and shouted, “Pig” Nicholas thought, “How rude!” just as his car hit the pig.

1813. The newscaster said on his final bulletin before retiring on T .V. last evening, “The Prime Minister had a meeting with his new cabinet earlier today - before having an argument with a chest of drawers and a heated conversation with a bookcase!”

1814. Three old men climbed to the top of a ladder where they were met by a genie who said, “As you return back down, whatever you shout, you will land into.” First man goes, “Beeeer” as he descends. “Braaandy” shouted the second man. The third man quite excitedly shouted, “Weeeeeeeeeeee!”

1815. I went into our local music shop the other day and bought an expensive mouth organ. The shop assistant commented, “Do you know, we haven't sold any of these for months, and this is the second one I have sold today.” “Oh” I replied, “That would have been our Monica!”

1816. A British Army Officer was walking along when he came across a man without any legs or arms sat on the sidewalk with a sign saying, “Falkland War Veteran.” Disgusted at how his country had treated its veterans, he gave the man two $50 notes to which the man replied, “Much as gracias, senor!”

1817. Three old men, all with hearing difficulties, were sat on a park bench. One remarked, “Isn't it windy today?” “No it's Thursday” said the second. “I am as well. Let's go to the pub for a beer!”

1818. My friend sent me a weird text the other day. It said, “Have been arrested and they are charging me as being world's ugliest man - come down to station at once and prove them wrong!”

1819. A friend of mine is really lazy and also thrifty with his cash. The other day, rather than spending $3 to dry clean his best shirt; he donated it to the local charity shop. They laundered it and placed it on a coat hanger in the shop. The following morning, he went in a bought it back for 50 pence!

1820. A man is on the telephone to his Car Insurance firm after being involved in an accident. “Where did the accident take place sir?” asked the person from the insurance company. “Just by Junction 42” was the reply. “Where exactly is that?” asked the insurance person. “I assume that it is between Junction 41 and Junction 43!” replied the man.

1821. A man was on the telephone to his Insurance Company following an accident. The person from the Insurance Company asks him, “Did you attempt to avoid the accident by blowing your horn?” “Do you mean after the accident?” said the man, puzzled. “No, before” came the reply. The man replied, “Well, I did play in a brass band for 5 years after I left school!”

1822. Three men with pocket watches are standing on a hill. The first man throws his watch and halfway down the hill it breaks. The second man throws his and two thirds of the way down, his watch breaks. The third man throws his watch, walks down and catches it at the bottom. “How did you manage that?” asked the two men. “Easy”, said the third man, “my watch is 10 minutes slow!”

1823. I went to my local butcher yesterday and I bet him $500 that he couldn't reach the meat on his top shelf. He replied, “I can't accept that bet, the stakes are far too high!”

1824. I went to buy some shoes last week and tried on a pair of loafers. The assistant asked if everything was okay. “They are a little too tight” I replied. “Try them with the tongue out" she said. I blobbed out my tongue and said, “Nah, they are still too tight!”

1825. I was walking home the other evening when I was attacked by a mugger. I fought for all my worth but the mugger was stronger and had me pinned down to the ground, rifled through my pockets only to find a single 50 pence coin. “Why did you put up such a struggle for a measly 50 pence?” asked the mugger. “Oh, I thought you wanted the $100 I've hidden in my sock!” I replied.

1826. I telephoned the Police the other day but dialed the wrong number and got through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes, I hung up the phone – the woman was just going on and on!

1827. Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly broke into hysterical laughter. “What is so funny?” asked the passenger. The pilot replied, “I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped!”

1828. I was traveling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we approached. I tapped him on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me out. He screamed loudly, lost complete control of the car, almost ran over an old lady as the cab mounted the footpath, stopping inches away from a lamp post. “Don't ever do that again” said the driver. I apologized saying that I didn't realize that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the

extent it had. “It's not really your fault I suppose” the taxi driver lamented, “It’s my first day as a taxi driver. I've spent the last fifteen years driving a funeral van!”

1829. A man took his car to the garage for a repair as every time he turned a corner, he heard a loud clunking noise. The mechanic took out the car and tested it turning right then left and then right again. He returned to the garage and told the man he had fixed the noise. “What was the problem?” asked the man. “Easy” replied the mechanic, “It just needed that bowling bowl taking out of your boot!”

1830. A tramp went up to an expensive looking house and knocked gently on the front door. The rich owner answered and the tramp asked if he could supply him with some food. The wealthy man said, “I didn't become rich by giving stuff away for free but I tell you what - if you go out the back and paint my porch, in return you will receive a fine meal.” After about twenty minutes, the tramp returns and knocks at the front door and the owner says, “Wow! Finished already. That was quick. Take a seat and my cook will bring you the food.” “Thanks” said the tramp, “But you should know one thing - that's a BMW you have out back, not a porch!”

1831. Two men went out fishing one fine day in a rented boat. They caught an amazing 42 fish. “Let’s come out again tomorrow but be sure to mark this great fishing spot on the lake” said one of the men to the other. The following day, they are on the way to pick up the boat and the same man asks, “Did you remember to mark that great fishing spot?” The other man replied, “Yes, I put a massive ‘X’ underneath the boat.” “You silly fool” said the first guy, “What happens if we are given a different boat today!?”

1832. Mike: “Tomorrow I am undergoing a brain transplant operation. I would like to use your brain. Can you please give it?” Eden: “Why?” Mike: “Because I always use only unused stuff!”

1833. Ben: “Answer my question either YES or NO.” Bill: “Yes ask me.” Ben: “Do your friends know that you are mad!?”


1834. Kevin: “Ray, I need your help. Give me your socks.” Ray: “Why?” Kevin: “Chloroform is out of stock in the hospital!”

1835. Norman: “Why didn't you tell me the good news? I heard it from one of our friends. Anyways Congratulation!” Robert: “I don’t understand.” Norman: “A TV channel has been named after you. Animal Planet!”

1836. Frank: “Beauty is not based on how you look, Beauty is not based on how you speak, Beauty is not based on your color, But beauty is based on your inner self.” Jake: “Yes. Very true. But why are you telling me all these?” Frank: “Please change your inner-wear daily without fail!”

1837. Secrets for a happy and healthy life: Get a girlfriend who cooks well. Get a girlfriend who takes care well. Get a girlfriend who looks well. And most of all make sure that these three girls don't meet each other!

1838. Most Lovable Kiss: Mother's, Sweetest Kiss: Girlfriend's, Cute Kiss: Sister's, Hottest Kiss: Keep your lips on the bike silencer!

1839. A girl called me last Sunday and said, “Nobody is home. Please come.” I went to her house. What she said was true: Nobody was there!

1840. 3 fools standing in front of river. 1st fool: What will happen if the flood comes in this river? 2nd fool: All the fish will climb the tree? 3rd fool: They are not buffalo to climb the tree!

1841. Chris: “Do you want to know your love percentage?” Arthur: “Yes. Of course.” Chris: “Type LOVE [Your name] [Your lover's name] Send to: Your father's

mobile number. He will tell your future!”

1842. A guy went to a store and asked, “What is the cost of this Monkey's picture?” The shopkeeper replied, “That’s not a Monkey's picture; that is a mirror!”

1843. Robin: “24 hrs you can watch 'Star Plus' on your mobile for free.” Kevin: “Wow! How is that?” Robin: “Just press "* +" and keep watching!”

1844. A guy traveling in flight shouts: “I have reached Boston. I have reached Boston.” Air hostess: “B silent.” He then shouts: “I have reached Oston Oston!”

1845. Man 1: “Why are you so happy?” Man 2: “I sent an SMS text message to my wife who is pregnant wishing her and instantly it says DELIVERED!”

1846. (In a Lunatic asylum) A boy was standing below a tube light with open mouth. Because his doctor advised him, “Today’s dinner should be light!”

1847. Peter: “Go and water the plants.” Mike: “It's already raining.” Peter: “So what? Take an umbrella and go!”

1848. Jim: “Look out of the window and tell me if the indicator lights are working or not.” Tom: “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No!”

1849. “I will never ever get married and I will also give the same advice to my children!”

1850. Jake was writing something very slowly. Jack asked: “Why are you writing so slowly?” Jake: “I'm writing to my 6 year old son, he can't read very fast!”

1851. (Mike visits Chinese friend dying in hospital) The Chinese says

“CHIN YU YAN” n dies. Mike goes to china to find meaning of his friend’s last words. It is, “You are standing on the oxygen tube!”

1852. Man 1: “Why are you standing in the hot sun?” Man 2: “I am drying my sweat!”

1853. A man goes for navy selection. Captain: “So you have come for Navy selection, do you know to swim?” Man: “If I go for Air Force selection, should I know to fly!?”

1854. (Edward thinking while reading) “Oh wind, are you also like me? Turning pages of the textbook without learning!”

1855. If you have a pretty girlfriend, it’s awesome. If she has a pretty sister, its Buy 1 Get 1 free Offer!

1856. A nervous little man walked into a grocery store in a small town. “I want to buy all your over-ripe vegetables and stale eggs”, he said. “Well”, said the shopkeeper with a twinkle in his eyes, “You must be going to see the new comedian at the theatre tonight.” “Not so loud”, said the little man, looking around hesitatingly, “I am the new comedian!”

1857. Paul: “Do you want to hear a dirty joke?” Ray: “Ok” Paul: “A white horse fell in the mud!”

1858. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing!"

1859. A: “Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.” B: “Yes, sir. You are a taxi!”

1860. Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm; the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping." The

other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either!"

1861. This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later, he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!"

1862. Sam: “I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!” Doctor: “Never mind, you'll pass eventually.” Sam: “But I'm the examiner!”

1863. Three clever men and one wise man are walking in the desert, when they find the bleached skeleton of a lion. The first clever man says, "I can rebuild the skeleton" and does so. The second clever man says, "I can rebuild the muscles and organs" and does so. The third clever man says, "I can breathe the spirit of life back into the body" and does so. The wise man says, "Excuse me, but I am going to climb this tree!"

1864. On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished. "Look what I've done, Jess" he said proudly to a visiting neighbor. "That's surely something' Willard. How long it took?" "Only two weeks." "Never done a puzzle myself" Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?" "Darn tooting" Willard said, "Look at the box. It says, ‘From two to four years!’"

1865. Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check" and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're going to build a house!"

1866. A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" he said, "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack!"

1867. Recently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louver. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: (brace yourself) "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

1868. A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live. "Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd kiss anything that moves," he answered. "What would you do?" "I'd stand perfectly still!"

1869. Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood" she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there!?"

1870. An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rocking bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all

her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit!"

1871. A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return, I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

1872. A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"

1873. Difference between car and women: You can drive a car anywhere. You are always in the driver's seat. You can share a car with your friends. The car will always do what you make it do. You can always buy a new one if you want to. A car doesn't mind if you drive around in other cars. If you kick a car, it will still run strong. You can toot a car's horn anytime and it won't get upset. You can feed a car and it will go as far as it can for you. A car won't give you any surprises no matter how many times you get in and out of it. AND Remember: Man's equivalent of a woman's diamond ring is a car!

1874. 3 guys go on a deserted island. They go looking around and find a

cannibal. The cannibal says, “I'll spare your lives if you do 2 tasks. The first is you must get 10 of the same fruit.” The first guy brings 10 grapes with pits in them. Then the guy says, “OK. What is my second task?” The cannibal says, “You must shove them up your butt without any emotion.” The first guy puts 4 up his butt and then groans, so the cannibal kills him. The second guy brings 10 cherries. The cannibal tells him the second task and the second guy stuffs 9 up his butt and then laughs. He gets killed. Then up in heaven the first guy asks the second guy why he laughed because he was so close. The second guy says because I saw the third guy coming with 10 pineapples!

1875. There were three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there were only two parachutes. The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looked at the little girl and said, "I've led a good long life, and you're just starting yours. You take the last parachute." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry; there is one for both of us. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack!"

1876. John lived across the river from his backwoods neighbor, Clarence and the two feuded constantly. They never missed a chance to throw rocks and yell insults over the water. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge. John was elated and told his wife he was finally going to get his hands on Clarence. When the bridge was finished, John headed off, but returned a few minutes later. "I never realized how big that guy is" John said sheepishly to his wife, “I headed for the bridge, then saw the sign: 'Clarence - 8 feet, 4 inches!'”

1877. A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that, "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into

the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers!

1878. Question: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza? Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four!

1879. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner!

1880. Two Irish men are going down the street; one digs a hole the second fills it in. They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in. A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the Irish men and asks them, "What on earth is going on?" One of the Irishman replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today!"

1881. Two men are talking. The first says, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes." "Amazing" said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons!"

1882. Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me!"

1883. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to

death!"

1884. Two scuba divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!" To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"

1885. A group of guys went fishing. After each had enjoyed their catch, they were sitting around chatting about the number of fishes each caught. Kent said he caught 10, Randall said he caught 15, Homer said he caught 28, Winston remained quiet for a moment, then said without counting, "I think I have so many that I can't put them in one pile!"

1886. One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch!"

1887. A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"

1888. All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class, he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life!"

1889. A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the

instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves!?"

1890. A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see your fishing license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son" said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir" replied the young guy, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one!"

1891. Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend!

1892. Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. "Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman." "OK" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car!"

1893. A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. "Where's your license?" asked the warden. "Don't know" said the hunter.

"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer" said the warden. "No way" said the hunter, "you drag it." Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license!

1894. So you know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say, they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!!!!!!

1895. "I went to the gym and spent five minutes on the Stair Master" Moe said to Joe, "Then I went home and spent an hour on the Couch Master." "I know what you mean" replied Joe, "these days, the only exercise I get is letting my imagination run wild!"

1896. Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidentally shot his friend. At the hospital, the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. "Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him!"

1897. A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

1898. A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great

Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money!"

1899. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody!