JOKES 3200 TO 3299
3200. Old Man John sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He's wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. The bartender sets John's drink down and asks, "Going to a party, John?" "Yeah," John answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep. "That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago!"
3201. A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
3202. Waiter: “Sir, my tips please.” Customer: “Here you go, one cent.” Waiter: “Sir, you are insulting me, please give me at least 2.” Customer: “I can’t insult you twice!”
3203. Man 1: “Drink the coffee soon while it hot.” Man 2: “Why?” Man 1: “Hot Coffee costs only 5 dollars while cold coffee costs 10 dollars!”
3204. “My wife and I went for a meal the other night and I surprised everyone there by ordering in French. It was an Italian restaurant!”
3205. My wife and I went for a meal the other night and I said to the waiter, “This chicken is stone cold.” “It should be” he replied, “It has been dead for over a week!”
3206. My wife and I went for a meal last week and I said to the waiter, “Did you know that this chicken has got one leg longer than the other?” The waiter replied, “Do you want to eat it or dance with it!?”
3207. I was in a restaurant last week and the waiter asked me for my order. “Can you tell me how you prepare the chickens?” I asked. “Nothing fancy, Sir” replied the waiter, “We simply tell them they are going to die!”
3208. A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots the man sliding under the table whilst the woman seeming totally unconcerned. As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went across and quietly whispered to the woman, “Excuse me but your husband has just slid under your table.” “Oh no! He hasn't” said the woman, “He has just walked in!”
3209. A man goes into a restaurant and asks, “Do you serve crab?” ”As long as it is correctly dressed sir, we do!” replied the waiter.
3210. A man went into a restaurant and asked, “Do you serve lobsters?” The waiter replied, “If it can pay, we will sir!”
3211. My brother went for a meal with a Chess fanatic the other day. There was a checked tablecloth where they ate. Do you know it took three hours for him to pass my brother the salt!?
3212. I went to a restaurant last week and just as my soup arrived, I needed the toilet. To make sure that no-one tampered with it, I wrote on my napkin, “I have spit in this soup.” On my return I noticed that the waiter had written on the napkin, “That's Okay, so have I!”
3213. I went into a restaurant the other day and ordered fish and chips. Twenty five minutes later, a rather rotund waitress came to my table and said, “Sorry about the wait.” I replied, “It's not your fault, try and cut down on your food intake!”
3214. Bob: “Did I tell you about that brilliant restaurant that has just been discovered on the moon?” Nancy: “No, you haven't; what is it like” Bob: “Amazing cuisine - but no atmosphere!”
3215. Two old married men were chatting in a bar. First man says, “Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?” The second man replied, “Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery!”
3216. An attractive woman approached a man in a bar and whispered in his ear. “$50 and I will do anything you wish.” He peels off two twenties and a ten, hands over the money to her and says, “Right, go and paint my house!”
3217. A man went into a bar and on his shoulder was perched a chunk of asphalt. He said to the barman, “A pint of beer for me and one for the road!”
3218. A man sits in a bar just staring at his drink for about twenty minutes. A big guy comes up to him, takes his drink and drinks it down in one. The man starts to cry. The big guy tells him not to cry as he was only messing about and offers to replace his drink. “That's not the problem” said the man, “What a day I have had. Started off, the alarm didn't go off, so I was late for work and got sacked. Going back to my car, it wasn't there someone had nicked it. When I got home, I realized that I must have dropped my wallet on the bus - all my money - gone. I then go upstairs to find a note from my wife on the bed saying that she's left me. And, just when I think about killing myself, you come along and drink my cyanide!”
3219. My friend and I were in the pub and decided to have a friendly game of darts. He said, “The person nearest the bull starts.” I replied, “Where are we going to get one of those at this time of night!?”
3220. A man walks into a bar with tiger and they proceed to drink so much that the tiger passes out and falls to the floor. As the man is leaving, the barman shouts to him, “Hey, you can't leave that lying there.” The man replies, “I know I’m drunk but even I can see that it is a tiger not a lion!”
3221. Girl to his boyfriend: I want you to be with me on a cheerful night, in a nice restaurant, candlelight dinner, superb menu, and say the 3 important words to you. PAY THE BILL!
3222. Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one, "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please" said the other roach frowning, "Not while I'm eating!"
3223. A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care" said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner!"
3224. This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you" she said politely, "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult" the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much" she said, "But, it has my husband pretty upset!"
3225. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me mam, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door!"
3226. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from his purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house!"
3227. A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful blondes on either arm, and a little man on his shoulder. The bartender thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve him. The guy asks if he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him kinda funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I can pour that many drinks." So, the guy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar. The bartender pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man on the guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks every drink over then proceeds back up the man's arm. So, the man tells the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same exact thing happens again. For the third time, the man asks to buy the house a round and the bartender looks at him and says, "Brother, do you not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks. Now, what is the deal?" The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A genie popped out and said he could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of $100 bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous blondes to have for the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what was the third thing you wished for?" The man replied, "A 12 inch prick."
3228. An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
3229. This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!" The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
3230. A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is." "OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
3231. A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants." Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
3232. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well" he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice, "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See" he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well" he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!"
3233. A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar, FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You got to make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?!"
3234. A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. ”I'm afraid I can't” breathes the barman - clearly aroused, "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet.”
3235. One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 dollars, and headed for the door!
3236. One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight" explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. “Yeah, except today is the last night!”
3237. A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise. The bartender tells him that they're playing barroom football. So Larry decides to go and check it out. He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you got to pull down your pants and fart. So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point. All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his Weiner up Larry's ass. Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?" The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!"
3238. A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well" said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it" said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose!" the drunk replied.
3239. One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the man’s orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no! You get violent when you drink!"
3240. A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. ”But I paid, don't you remember?” says the customer. ”Okay” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bar keep replies, “If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” Don't bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way!
3241. A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me" said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them!"
3242. A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it. On the next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again, the bartender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't. The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bartender serves the man, he can't stand it anymore. He says to the patron, "Hey, you know you've got a carrot in your ear?" The patron says to the bartender, "I can't hear you! I've got a carrot in my ear!"
3243. A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor." The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when he had always been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking!"
3244. A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please." The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the brain. "You're already out of your head!"
3245. Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?!"
3246. A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing" sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago, I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful" said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, right?" "Oh, No" said the drunk, “I want her back because I'm thirsty again!”
3247. A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cycle path!"
3248. Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl. The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit.” So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?” Seeing the man is totally drunk, the woman says, “I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance.” So the man humbly returns to his friend. ”So what did she say?” asks the friend. The drunk responded, “She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants!”
3249. A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not?" asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later!" replies the bartender.
3250. A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for? The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again. So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog. The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender. The bartender, after his shift, goes home. He's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her. His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table. The wife asks, "Why the hell are you showing me this?" The bartender says, "Because you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're going to get the fuck out of here!"
3251. Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said, “You dumbest, you're sitting on the mop bucket.”
3252. A rather confident man walks into a bar and grabs a stool next to a gorgeous woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” ”No” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and am testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?” ”It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me” he explains. ”What's it telling you now?” she asks. ”Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!” The man gasps and taps his watch, “Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
3253. Chris : ‘Look Bill, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?’ Bill : ‘Yes, that’s funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?’
3254. A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull’s testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tomorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ”Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins, but sometimes…”.
3255. Two guys chatting in a bar: First guy: Tell me three fastest ways of communication? But hey, the first three letters gotta be “Tel”. Second guy: Well, lemme see, Telephone, Television…ummm… The second guy starts to think about other possibilites. First guy: Okay, I’ll tell you, the fastest means of Communication : 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3.Tell something to a Woman and if you still want it to be way FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
3256. A guy at bar in New York. Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”. Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”. The guy says – “Paul Smith Married”
3257. A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at?” Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
3258. Santam walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. Sam takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!” Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. Sam takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from Sam. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Sam takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says, “Hey mishter, tashte this!” Sam obliges…he promptly spits it out. “It tastes like piss,” Sam shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It ish. Now tell me how old am I ?”
3259. A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “No charge”
3260. Santa is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” Santa thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. Santa starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. Santa says, “I want two more of these.”
3261. A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
3262. A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. “Sorry I can’t serve you,” States the barman. “Why not?” asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. “You’re under 18,” replies the barman.
3263. A furniture dealer decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to abroad to see what he could find. After arriving some other country he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat. Before long, a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something which he did not understand and motioned toward the Chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not knew English so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business.
3264. I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
3265. A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
3266. A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
3267. A man goes to a bar that has a party the other day, ee asks The boss. Man: Can someone here give me a bl*wjob? Boss: Yeah.Here take this balloons and blow them.
3268. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you are drunk."
3269. A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"
3270. A young guy at a bar notices two girls deep in conversation. He walks over and asks, “You girls want a drink?” ”You’re wasting your time” says one of the ladies. “We’re lesbians.” ”What’s a lesbian?” he asks. ”We like to have sex with girls” she replies. ”Hey there!” the guy calls to the bartender, “Three drinks over here for us lesbians, please.”
3271. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint my house."
3272. Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them." The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots. The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles." The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house." The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"
3273. A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me". "No problem", says the bartender, as he sticks ten dollars in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.". So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much money?" she asks. "Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too"
3274. A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man. "Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy. "I'm homesick", replies the man.
3275. An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub. Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out , shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"
3276. A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
3277. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
3278. A pair of glasses walks into to a pub. He asked the bar man for a drink and the bar man replies, “I am not serving you ,your off your head.”
3279. A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Larry?"
3280. A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job. The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar. The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you? The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!
3281. This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?" The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter. The half drunk man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not." So the drunk says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of beer." The drunk opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down. A few minutes later the drunk says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill." So the drunk takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter. So the drunk says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunk takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shit and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shit." The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."
3282. Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "Well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the Auschwitz concentration camp." Patrick says, "That's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "No, he fell out of the machine gun tower."
3283. At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
3284. A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!" "Anything!" cries the man, "Just don't shoot!" The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"
3285. A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed. “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
3286. Customer: Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up? Waiter: “How could I know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.
3287. Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today. Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!
3288. The old man ordered one hamburger,one order of French fries and one drink and the old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering, “That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,”they were just fine”. They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.” As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?” She answered…. “The teeth”
3289. Customer: “I can’t eat such a rotten egg, call the proprietor.” Waiter: “It is no use, he won’t eat it either!”
3290. Teacher: Name the 3 fastest means of communication. Student: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman!
3291. Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? Mike: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl!
3292. The Law says 'If u can't convince them, then at least confuse them.' Do you know which law it is? This is 'Law of Answering in exams’!
3293. Karl came out of the exam hall very sad. When asked he said, ‘I didn’t know the past tense of THINK. I THOUGHT and THOUGHT and finally wrote THUNK!
3294. Math Sir: a=b, b=c, a=c. So prove this with an example. Student: Sir! I love you. You love your daughter. So I love your daughter!
3295. A student suddenly walked out of the class. Professor asks why this fellow walked out of my class? Student says, “Sir! He has the habit of walking while he is sleeping!”
3296. In 100 meters race held in a school, it was announced 1, 2, 3 start. All started running except Alex. Coach: Why are you still waiting? Alex: My number is 4!
3297. A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!" The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?" Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"
3298. A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. “In English”, he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right!”
3299. The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. “Nobody likes me in school”, he complained, “The teachers don’t like me, the correspondent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the School Board wants me to drop out. I don’t want to go to school.” “But you have to go to school”, countered his mother, “You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And especially because you are the Principal!”