JOKES - 1900 TO 1999

1900. The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?" "Haven't got a wife" responded the businessman gruffly. "Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat. "Haven't got a girlfriend." "You lucky guy!" the vendor broke into a big smile, "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

1901. A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

1902. There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping!

1903. Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened next?" they asked. The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

1904. "Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce" the big Texan boomed to his attorney, "That wife of mine ain't behaving right. She's MY woman and she's supposed to do what I say." "Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know" the lawyer said, "You don't own her the way you own an oil well." "Maybe not" R.J. conceded, "but I damn well ought to have exclusive drilling rights!"

1905. Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..." "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'. "Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

1906. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?" The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! Why did you die!?"

1907. During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you $100, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer!"

1908. Reaction of men on their weeding anniversaries: 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking! 9. Today is our what1? 8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together1? 7. I thought we only celebrated important events1? 6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband! 5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother! 4. Got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's! 3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will! 2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut you up! 1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love!

1909. After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much" said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit" Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean" said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror!

1910. Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards!

1911. Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a building site. The first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman. The conversation starts. Foreman - "so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day". Paddy - "that would be 200 brick in a day sir". Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?" Now, Paddy had a look at the foreman and it was obvious, very obvious there was something strange. His right ear was quite high on one side of his head and the left ear was quite low on the other side of his head. Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there". Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job". Next Paddy walks in, same questions. "How many bricks can you lay in a day paddy?" "200 bricks sir" Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?" Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there". Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job". The third Paddy walks in to see the foreman. Foreman - "So then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day." Paddy - "400 bricks a day sir" Foreman - "By Jesus, 400 a day. I never heard of any man lay 400 bricks a day." Paddy - "Oh, ask any man in Ireland, 400 a day I tell you sir." Foreman - "thats unbeleiveable Paddy. Now obviously I want to give you the job, but, I have to tell you, I admire honesty in a man so take a look at me and tell me do you notice anything strange about me." Paddy has a long hard look. Paddy - " No sir, nothing strange" Foreman - "Come on paddy, honestly, what do you notice". Paddy - "No sir nothing strange." Foreman - "Now Paddy, I can't give you the job if you don't be honest, go on have a good look." Paddy stares at him insanely, and then notices something. Paddy - "A sir, I notice". Foremann - "Yes Paddy" Paddy - " You'd be wearing contact lenses". Unexpectedly the foreman enquires. Foreman - "My word Paddy, that's amazing, how observant of you. How did you ever notice that." Paddy - "We'll Sir, were the feck would you find a pair of glasses to fit a head like that"

1912. There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house. He went to his lil' green shower and turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil' green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green tap, put on a lil' green towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend. The lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green hug! He wanted to give her a "surprise." His lil' green towel went off and the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil' green street screaming, got hit by a lil' green car and died. The rule is: “never run across the road when the green man is flashing.”

1913. Why is man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming (cumming) or going.

1914. A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!"

1915. In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the oldtimer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the oldtimer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

1916. Pick-Up Lines: 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 3. Nice legs...what time do they open? 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one? 9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight. 10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

1917. A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

1918. Why men can't win... If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

1919. Rules Men Wish Women Knew: 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1920. There was an Englishman,Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates. The captain said to them your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. So the englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women. Finally the irishman wants to go in with cigarettes so he goes in with his cigarettes. Then 50 years later the englishman comes out of his dungeon pissed, the scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the irishman comes out and says, 'Got a light'!

1921. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols." 1922. A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."

1923. One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .

1924. A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

1925. These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

1926. HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all! MEMORY: Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing! APPEARANCE: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night! PROPENSITY TO CHANGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does! DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

1927. The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar. The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret. "Naaaah" replies Guinness, "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I!"

1928. Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were" gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"

1929. One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way. Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff. By the end of summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass!"

1930. A young punk gets on the cross-town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man glares at the young punk for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot....I thought you might be my son!"

1931. On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers ... "Iron this, and get me something to eat..!"

1932. A man walks into a scientist's lab looking to buy a new brain. He asks the scientist how much the brains cost. The scientist says, "Well, first we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist's brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician's, it costs $10,000." "How come the politician's brain costs so much?" asks the man. The scientist replies, "Because it's never been used!"

1933. Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'!

1934. Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts!?"

1935. Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man: 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

1936. After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

1937. Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"

1938. An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice!"

1939. Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm going to go back to paper!"

1940. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: Well you see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

1941. A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again." To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again!"

1942. One police asked to the thief, “How you theft the horse within a minute in front of so many people?” Thief replied, “I did not take the horse, it was the horse who has taken me so fast within a second.”

1943. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”

1944. Arthur bought a car by bank loan. But he did not pay loan amount. So they took the car from him. After seeing that the man is thinking, “If I knew before, than I would have taken a loan for my marriage also.

1945. Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

1946. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing?Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

1947. A photographer focusing a dead body’s face in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him. Why? He said: “Smile Please !”

1948. A rich man needed blood for his heart surgery. He got it from a miser. The rich man gave him 5 million dollars. Once again the rich man needed blood for surgery. Bania was more than happy to donated blood again. This time, the rich just gave him a Cadburyes Chocolate. Bania asked the reason. The rich man now replied: “Now I also have miser’s blood in my body.”

1949. Master to servant: “What will you do with a $100 lying on the floor? Will you keep it?” Servant: “No , Of course not.” Master: Then what will you do with it? Servant: “I will spend it.”

1950. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: * Compliment her * cuddle her * kiss her * caress her * love her * stroke her * tease her * comfort her * protect her * hug her * hold her * spend money on her * wine & dine her * buy things for her * listen to her * care for her * stand by her * support her * go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: * Show up naked.

1951. James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?" Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!" Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

1952. Robert lost his cheque book. He approached bank manager and informed manager regarding it. Manager : You should have taken care as any one can sign your cheque on your behalf and empty your deposits. Robert : How can others sign? I am not a fool. I have already signed all the cheques.

1953. Ron to his friends : For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don’t know how she got my number, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says, “Please recharge your balance soon.”

1954. Paul: People consider me as a “GOD”. Peter : How do you know?? Paul : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,“Oh GOD ! U have come again”.

1955. First soldier : “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?” Second soldier : “No way, Jose!” First soldier : “Why not?” Second soldier : “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”

1956. Guy 1: “How’s your history paper coming?” Guy 2: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful. Guy 1: “Really?” Guy 2: “Yes! I’ve already located 17 people who sell them!”

1957. John and Jack got tired with the mobile communication. They decide to use the conventional method of communication. That is to use pigeons to send messages. One day John sends his pigeon. When the pigeon reached Jack, it was with out any message. Angrily, Jack picks up his mobile and calls and asks John “what is this – a joke? The pigeon is without any message.” Guess what John said??? “That was a missed call!”

1958. Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,”said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

1959. A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!

1960. There once were four guys. One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was “I did it! I did it!” Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was “forks and knives!” Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was “goodie goodie gum drops!” Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was “plug it in! plug it in!” One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench. A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said “I did it! I did it!” And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said “forks and knives!” The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says “goodie goodie gum drops!” Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says “plug it in! plug it in!”

1961. There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!! After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!” The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $800!!!! The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !

1962. At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies. Father says, “Kitchy kitchy koo”. Look, she smiled! Isn’t she adorable?” His friend says, “But your kid didn’t smile.” The father replies, “I was talking about the nurse”

1963. A police asked to a thief, “Why you went to steal same rack 3 times in a store? The Thief replied, “Sir, I stole one dress for my wife and I came to change it twice.”

1964. Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications. He lands up in the enemy’s camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now? Leader : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers. Banta : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now? Boss : Wait for more. Banta : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now? Boss : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don’t worry about your family, we will look after. Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

1965. John, Mark, Alicia and Olivia are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Olivia and John are sitting there looking perplexed. Mark is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. Olivia is thinking: These Pakistanis are all crazy after Alicia. Mark must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Alicia is thinking: Mark must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Olivia instead and got slapped. Mark is thinking: Damn! it, John must have tried to kiss Alicia, she thought it was me and slapped me. John is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Mark again.

1966. A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?“ “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

1967. Three friends were traveling and went to a desert and were not getting any food. After a long search they got one Jack fruit and some bananas. They ate bananas at night and put the Jack fruit for morning breakfast. Next morning when they woke up and described what they dreamt at night. One is telling I went to 7th layer of the sky and saw nice young fairies were dancing besides me. Another one is telling that I went bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One beautiful girl came and kissed me and told me that she is the Queen of the Sea. She touches my hands and whole night we ate, drank and made merry. Really fantastic. 3rd one is now describing what he dreamt and he said, “I saw one Black tall ghost, who came to me and chased me and ordered me to eat the Jack fruit. But I told him I have got two friends, without them I will not eat the Jack fruit. But the Ghost made me eat the Jack fruit and I ate it all. I tried to call you two, but one of you were in Mid sky and another was under the sea and having fun, so I could not save it for u!

1968. Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. “Break it to her gently,” they all urge. “Leave it to me,” he says. When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.” “How much?” the wife yells, eyes blazing. “Tell him to drop dead!”

1969. A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a Breathalyzer. “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.” “Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.” “Can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.” “All right, we could get a blood sample.” “Can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.” “Fine then, just walk on this white line.” “Can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m drunk.”

1970. A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?” “Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man. “Um, yeah…” the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch all the fish?”

1971. A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. “They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

1972. A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says,“Mister, can you spare a dollar?” The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?““No,” says the bum. The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?” Again the bum says, “No.” So the man says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

1973. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “It was my first day with my hook”

1974. There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”

1975. One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw StevenSpielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says “You Chinese people bombed our PearlHarbor, get out of here.” The astonished Chinese man replied “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.” Shocked, Spielberg replies “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

1976. The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?” “A mongoose.” “What for?” “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.” “But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.” “That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

1977. Once a guy was coming out of airport. As there was huge rush, the security guard told him “WAIT SIR“… For which he replied “65Kgs” and moved on…

1978. Kevin sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to who’re the guys? The bystander : A Marathon race is going on. Kevin : What do they get from that? Bystander : The winner will get a prize Kevin : Then why are the others running?

1979. Once a guy was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

1980. Once three guys decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. So, the youngest one said he would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the sandwiches until he got back. An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went by. Both of them were now very hungry. Finally one of the guys said: “Oh, come on, he is not going to be back. Let’s eat the sandwiches.” Suddenly, the youngest one popped up from behind a rock and said: “If you do, I wont go.”

1981. Once a guy goes to a mirror shop to buy a mirror. He wanders all over the shop before the shopkeeper comes and asks him,”May I help you?”. Guy: “I want a very strong mirror”. Shop keeper: “Try this one sir!Its just $1000/-” Guy: “Is it really that strong?” Shop keeper: “Yes sir. If u want to know, you can throw this mirror from 100 storeyed building. This mirror does not breaks upto 99 floors sir!!”

1982. One day a bus gets an accident which were filled up with some college guys. Then Gerard starts to cry very loudly saying I have lost my hand, I have lost my hand… After the accident, his friend says to him, “why are you crying control yourself, don’t cry, see that man has lost his head but he hasn’t utter even a single word, how silent he is…”

1983. Kevin : “Ben, last year the name plate outside your house read Ben, B.A. This year it reads Ben, M.A.When did you finish your Masters Degree?” Ben : You don’t understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.A. to indicate “Bachelor Again”. Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is “Married Again”.

1984. Wilson: What is the name of your car? Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with “T”. Wilson: Wow! That’s awesome. My car starts with petrol!

1985. Gibson returns book to library, bangs it on table & says – What a shit ? Gibson : “I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all” ? Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory!

1986. Mechanic: There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor. Tom: Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous. Mechanic: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor. Tom: You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car? Mechanic: In the pool.

1987. A guy went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the form he had gone to Washington for filling it up. You know why? Form said: “Fill Up In Capital”.

1988. Boss: Where were you born ? Ed: America. Boss: Which part? Ed: Whole body born in America.

1989. A bus fell into lake, everyone swimmed across to save their lives. Suddenly a guy jumps in searches for someone, when asked whom he seaching for. He said, “The conductor did not give me the balance. Am searching for him.”

1990. Gary tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the match box, but it didn’t light. He tried another, It didn’t light too. The third one finally lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket. “What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?” asked the another man. Gary replied, “That’s a lucky match stick. I’ll use it again.”

1991. Carl was busy in removing a wheel from his three-wheeler! Ron asks: Why are you removing a wheel from your auto? Carl: Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’.

1992. Seeing Matt depressed one of his friends asks him, “Why are you sad?” To which Matt replies …“I lost $300 in bet.” His friend asks him…“How?” Matt says..“I bet on England for $200…”But unfortunately England lost. His friend queries..“But you said $300…” Matt answers…“I again bet for England for $100 in the highlights of the match”

1993. A man received an invitation, to a party which said “Black Tie Only”!! When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!

1994. Nicholas is walking on a street which has clock tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Nicholas says “Yes”. “Give me a thousand dollars and I’ll go get a ladder”. The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours, Nicholas figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day, Nicholas is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock, “Give me a thousand dollars and I’ll go get a ladder.” Nicholas gives him the thousand and says, “I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder.”

1995. Ben meets a policeman on a way and asks, “Excuse me, officer, but did you know that my wife has had an affair?” The policeman, surprised, “No! I didn’t know” Ben breathed deeply, exclaiming, “So I’m not the last one to know after all”.

1996. Two friends, were talking about the American Astronauts. One said to the other, “What’s the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We will go direct to the sun.” “But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we’ll melt.” And the first answered, “So what, we’ll go at night!”

1997. Five Important Qualities: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

1998. A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day. Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?" Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring." Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?" Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... " The poor, "Man nodds in agreement." Rich man, "What did you get your wife?" Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo." Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?" Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."

1999. Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, 'what are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night ?