Seeing Adam looking dejected, God went over to him and asked: ‘What’s the matter?’

‘There’s no one for me to talk to,’ moaned Adam.

God revealed: ‘Actually, Adam, I’ve got some good news for you. I’m going to give you a companion, and it will be a woman. This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with whatever you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’

Adam was impressed, but inquired cautiously: ‘What would a woman like this cost?’

God said: ‘An arm and a leg.’

What can I get for a rib?’ asked Adam.

The rest is history . .

A Girl’s Prayer:


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Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong,

One whose willy’s thick and long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks;

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed;

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,

Knows just what to say when I ask, ‘How big’s my behind?’ One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,

In the hall, the bathroom, the garden, the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me no end,

And never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,

I look at the wanker you sent me instead . . .

\A nun was walking down a city street when a mugger dragged her into bushes and raped

1656 her. Afterwards, the attacker sneered: ‘Now what are you going to tell your Mother Superior?’

The nun replied: ‘I will tell her that I was walking down the street when this man dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice.’

‘But I only raped you once,’ protested the mugger.

The nun said: ‘Surely you’re not tired already?’

Two nuns went on a shopping trip to France to load up with duty free. On the way back

1657 they were just about to drive through ‘Nothing to declare’ when a customs officer waved them to the side.

The first nun said to the Mother Superior, who was driving, ‘Don’t worry, just show him your cross.’

So the Mother Superior wound the window down, leaned out and shouted: ‘Piss off, you bastard!’

1658 How do you get a nun pregnant? - Dress her up as an altar boy.

1659 A nun was walking through the convent grounds when one of the priests noticed that she was putting on weight. ‘Gaining a little weight, are we, Sister Assumpta?’ he inquired

‘No, Father, just a little gas.’

A month later the same priest noticed she’d put on even more weight. ‘Gaining some weight, are we. Sister Assumpta?’


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‘No, Father, just a little gas.’

Three months later the priest saw Sister Assumpta pushing a baby carriage around the

convent. He leaned over, looked in the carriage and said: ‘Cute little fart.’

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Mary had prepared

1660 bath towels exactly how the old nun had told her. Sister Mary was also told not to look at Father John’s naked body if she could help it, to do whatever he told her, and to pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Mary how the Saturday night bath had gone. ‘Oh, Sister,’ she said dreamily, I’ve been saved.’

‘Saved?’ queried the old nun. ‘And how did that fine thing come about?’

‘Well,’ said Sister Mary, ‘when Father John was soaking in the tub he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.’

‘Did he now?’ said the old nun sharply.

Sister Mary continued: ‘And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. Then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.’

‘Is that a fact?’ snapped the old nun.

At first it hurt terribly,’ added Sister Mary, ‘but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful.’

That wicked devil,’ said the oldnun. ‘He told me it Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve blowing it for forty years!’

1661 Why don’t gang members ever become nuns? - Because they find it difficult to say Superior after the word Mother.

1662 The girls at a convent had just come back from work experience. The Mother Superior asked the girls what they had done for the past week.

One of the girls, Mary, answered: ‘I was a prostitute.’

‘What?’ said the Mother Superior.

‘I was a prostitute,’ repeated Mary.


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‘What?’ screamed the Mother Superior.

‘I was a prostitute!’ yelled Mary at the top of her voice.

Thank God for that,’ said the Mother Superior. I thought you said you were a Protestant.’

Two nuns decided they would sneak out of the convent for a night on the town. They hit

1663 all the bars and dance clubs until at about two o’clock in the morning, they decided it was time to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent grounds undetected, they had to crawl under some barbed wire.

As they started crawling on their bellies beneath the barbed wire, the first nun turned to the second and said: ‘I feel like a Marine.’

‘Me, too,’ replied the second nun. ‘But where are we going to find one at this time of night?’

Two old nuns were discussing their holidays. As Sister Catherine was a bit deaf. Sister

1664 Mary was communicating by means of hand gestures. I think I’ll go to Florida this year,’

said Sister Mary, ‘where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long.’

‘What?’ said Sister Catherine.

Sister Mary repeated loudly: ‘I think I’ll go to Florida where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long.’

‘What?’ said Sister Catherine.

Shouting at the top of her voice and gesturing frantically. Sister Mary tried again. I think I’ll go to Florida where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long!’

Sister Catherine said: ‘Father who?’

The quiet, contemplative routine of a convent was being disrupted by a gang of workmen

1665 installing underground cables. Eventually the Mother Superior felt the need to complain to the men’s supervisor. She said: There is too much bad language and profanity. It is inappropriate for our community. Can you please stop them?’

‘I’ll do my best. Sister,’ promised the supervisor, ‘but you have to remember that it is in


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their nature to call a spade a spade.’

The Mother Superior said: ‘I think the term they actually use is “fucking shovel”.’

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the

1666 races. Flowever at the auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. But he figured that, having bought the donkey, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried the headline: preacher’s ass shows.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it at the next race meeting, and this time it won. The headline in the paper read: preacher’s ass out in front. But the bishop was so upset by this publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper headline read: bishop scratches


This was too much for the bishop, so he told the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: nun has best ass in town. Reading this, the bishop fainted. When he came round, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: nun sells ass for $10.

In despair, the bishop instructed the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The headline in the paper read: nun announces her ass is wild and free. The bishop was buried the following day.

Two nuns on a remote beach decided to go sunbathing in the nude behind a sand dune.

1667 They had been lying there for a while, soaking up the sun, when a photographer came by and immediately pointed his camera at them.

The first nun, who knew a little about photography, said: ‘Aren’t you going to focus?’ ‘Quiet, Sister,’ said the second nun. ‘Let him take his picture first.’

Stranded for the night, a man sought refuge in a convent. Reluctantly the Mother Superior allowed him to stay over. ‘But,’ she pointed out, ‘we have ten new nuns who may not yet

1668 b e strong enough to resist temptation, so you must stay in your room and refrain from

any contact whatsoever with the sisters.’

The man agreed.


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The next morning, after the man had gone, the Mother Superior called all the nuns together for a meeting. ‘Sisters,’ she said, ‘we had a man stay here last night . . .’

Nine nuns gasped, one giggled.

‘. . . In his room,’ added the Mother Superior, ‘we found a used condom

Nine nuns gasped, one giggled.

‘. . . And in this condom, we found a hole.’

Nine nuns giggled, one gasped.

Recovering in hospital from an operation, a man received a visit from a nun who was

1669 there to cheer up the sick and the lame. They started talking, and she asked about his life. He told her about his wife and their fourteen children.

‘My, my,’ said the nun, ‘fourteen children. A good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you.’

‘I’m sorry. Sister,’ he said, ‘I’m not Catholic, I’m Baptist.’

‘Baptist?’ she replied. ‘You sex maniac!’

1670 Three nuns were killed in a car crash - They went to heaven, only to find a sign at the gates, which said: ‘Closed for Rebuilding.’

Uncertain as to what to do next, they knocked on the gates and St Peter emerged. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked. There are no admissions this weekend. You’ll have to come back Monday.’

‘But what are we supposed to do in the meantime?’ chorused the nuns. ‘We’re dead, so we can’t go back to Earth.’

‘All right, I take your point,’ said St Peter. What I’m going to do is send you back to Earth for the weekend as whoever you want to be, and then we’ll accept you into Heaven in a few days’ time. How’s that for a deal?’

The nuns nodded in agreement.

‘OK, who do you want to be?’ St Peter asked the first nun.

Tonight, Peter, I’m going to be Mother Theresa, because she led such a selfless, devoted life.’

The second nun said: ‘I’d like to go back as Joan of Arc because she was a martyr and an inspiration to so many.’


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The third nun said: ‘I want to be Alice Kapipelean.’

St Peter looked bewildered. ‘Who?’

‘Alice Kapipelean,’ repeated the nun.

‘I’m sorry. Sister,’ said St Peter, ‘but there is no record of any Alice Kapipelean having lived on Earth.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said the nun, producing a newspaper cutting. ‘Here, read this. There’s your proof!’

St Peter glanced at the article and said: ‘No, no. Sister. You’ve misread it. The article says the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months.’

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth were walking through the park when

1671 they were jumped by two thugs. Their habits were ripped from them, and the men sexually assaulted them.

Sister Mary Catherine cast her eyes heavenward and cried: ‘Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!’

Sister Mary Elizabeth turned and said: ‘Mine does

A nun was going to Chicago. While waiting in the airport for her flight, she spotted one of those weight machines that promises to tell your fortune. So, thinking that it was a good

1672 idea to know what fate had in store for her before taking to the skies, she went over to the machine and inserted a nickel. A few seconds later, a card came out that said:

‘You’re a nun, you weigh 1281b, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.’

Initially impressed by its accuracy, she then started thinking that it was probably a fluke, and that all the cards were the same, but they just happened to fit her circumstances. So she decided to give the machine another go. She inserted her nickel and out came a card that read: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 1281b, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.’

The nun said to herself: ‘I know that’s wrong, because I have never played a musical instrument in my life.’ And she sat back down, convinced that the machine was a fraud.

But just then a cowboy came over and put his fiddle case on the seat next to her. After a couple of minutes, he turned to her and said: ‘My fiddle needs tuning, but I’ve sprained my wrist. Please, Sister, could you play a few notes for me?’ So the nun picked up the


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fiddle and instinctively began playing beautiful music.

Startled, she realised that the machine had been right. This is incredible,’ she thought. ‘I must try it again.’

So she put in another nickel, and a card came out. It said: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 1281b, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to breakwind.’

This is nonsense,’ thought the nun. I’ve never, ever broken wind in public. The machine is definitely wrong this time.’

But as she stepped off the scales, she tripped and broke wind.

In stunned disbelief, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself: This is truly unbelievable. I’ve got to try it again.’

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It read: ‘You’re a nun, you weigh 1281b, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!’

An old vicar was retiring and selling his horse so he put an ad in the local newspaper. It wasn't long before it was bought by Bob who decided to ride it home. But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn't move. I trained this horse from a little foal, said the vicar. He only moves when you say Jesus Christ and stops when you say Amen. Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said Jesus Christ, the horse set off. On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder. By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside and it took him a moment or two to remember to say Amen. Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of a deep canyon. Jesus Christ! he said.

Three nuns were talking and one was describing with her hands the huge melons shed seen at the local market. The second nun agreed the market was good value and described with her hands the great bananas shes seen. The third nun, who was very hard of hearing, asked, Father who?

The old farmer was nearing the end of his life and felt the need to confess his sins before it was too late. He went to see the local priest. Father, I have something to tell you. For over twenty years Ive been shagging my goats. The priest was so stunned, the only thing he could think of saying was Were they nanny goats or billy goats? Why Father! said the farmer, deeply shocked, nanny of course there's nothing queer about me.

One Sunday, the priest happened to notice that one of his congregation took £10 out of the collection, instead of putting something in. He decided to say nothing about it, assuming the poor chap was in dire need of some money. However the following Sunday it happened again and the priest felt he had to act. After the service was over, he took the man to one side and confronted him with his wrongdoing. Oh Father, please forgive me, said the man, blushing profusely. I did it because I was in desperate need of a blow job. Surprised at the reply, the priest made the man promise that he would never steal again. But the incident stayed in the priests mind and later that evening, he decided to ring his old friend who was Mother Superior at the nearby convent. Good evening, Bernadette, sorry to disturb you at such a late hour. I wonder if you could tell me what a blow job is? She replied immediately. About £10.

A man had been shipwrecked on a desert island for more than a week when he spotted a boat coming towards him. Hurry up, man, said the sailor, Get on board quickly, there's a tidal wave coming and you'll be drowned. No thank you, said the man. I have faith in Jesus, he will save me. An hour later, another boat appeared. Come on, dont be silly, times running out, get on board. No thanks, said the man again. I have faith in Jesus, he will save me. Two hours later, the tidal wave could be seen four miles away. A third boat arrived and the man was urged to get aboard, but he still refused and within half an hour, the island was covered by the tidal wave and the man drowned. A little later, up in heaven, the man bumped into Jesus. I had such faith in you, but you never came to save me and I drowned. I cant believe it, he moaned. You cant believe it! What about me? said Jesus. I sent three bloody boats to save you!

Two nuns are cycling down a narrow cobblestone street when one says to the other, I haven't come this way before. Neither have I, its the cobbles you know, the other replied.

once a month, the vicar goes on a tour of his outlying parish and as hes walking up the lane to one of the more remote farms he sees the farmer in a field shagging a goat. Averting his eyes he continues on and spots the farmers son behind the haystack being intimate with a sheep. Then, just as he gets to the farmyard he catches sight of the old grandfather masturbating. Unable to control his disgust, the vicar marches up to the front door and knocks loudly. Oh, good morning, Vicar, says the farmers wife, this is a nice surprise. Surprise my foot, splutters the vicar. Ive just seen your husband shagging a goat, your son fucking a sheep and your grandfather having a wank. Yes, I know, its very sad, she says, but you see, grandpas too old to go chasing the animals anymore.

A new vicar had taken over at the small village church of St Gregory and he was eager to make a good impression. After the service, the congregation emerged from the church and each shook hands with the vicar. Lovely sermon, said one. It really made me stop and think, said another. All of a sudden, a rather scruffy man appeared and as he shuffled past he mumbled, Load of bollocks. Determined not to be affected by this, the vicar carried on greeting his parishioners. Splendid sermon, they said, thank you very much. Quite inspiring. The vicar beamed gratefully. Absolute crap, call himself a vicar? came the mumbling of the scruffy man as he passed the vicar again. This time, the vicar was more upset and the situation worsened as the man kept appearing and making comments. Bored to tears, not worth listening to, what a prat! The vicar could take it no longer. He turned to one of the congregation and pointed out the scruffy man. Oh, you mustn't worry about old Ned, Vicar, said a kindly old woman. Hes not right in the head, he just goes around repeating what everyone else has said.

Three nuns went to confession. Forgive me Father for I have sinned, said the first nun, I looked at a mans penis. Then wash your eyes with holy water, said the priest. In came the second nun. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I touched a mans penis. Then go and wash your hands in holy water, came the reply. The third nun went in and it was some time before she reappeared and joined her colleagues. Sorry I was so long, she said, I just had to go and gargle.

In fact the story of Adam and Eve has become slightly mistold over the years. As it happens, Eve was created first and God gave her three breasts. But after a while she complained that she was in some pain because they kept bumping against each other, so he agreed to take the middle one away. Time passed and Eve began to get bored so she asked God if he could make her someone to play with. Of course replied God. Ill call him man now where did I put that useless tit?

A drunk staggers into church and wanders up the aisle moaning to himself. Help me, help me, its bloody agony. Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides hed better find out if everything is alright so he says, May I help you my son? I don't know comes the reply, it depends on whether you have any paper in there.

Two nuns were walking back to the convent late at night when they saw a suspicious man coming towards them. Quick whispered one of the nuns. Show him your cross and he may leave us alone. Good idea, replied the other and raising her voice as loud as possible she said angrily Fuck off, you little bastard.

Come in George, said the Mother Superior to her gardener. I hear you've got a complaint. That I have, he replied, one of your nuns has been doing press-ups in my vegetable garden. Well surely there's no harm in that. Aah, but you've not seen my cucumbers, they're all ruined.

A young girl went into confession and told the priest she had slept with four different men over the past week. Jack on Tuesday, Bill on Wednesday, Peter on Thursday and Chuck on Friday. Well my child said the priest on your way home tonight buy two lemons and suck on them. But Father, will that cleanse me of my sins? she asked. No, but it'll take that bloody damned smile off your face.

A man goes into the confessional and says. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday, I cursed badly, using the F-word. Why was that? asked the priest. I was playing a round of golf, all was going well until I reached the 10th hole when my T-shot ended up in thick undergrowth. Is that when you said the F-word? No, I stayed calm, took my time and hit a clean shot out of the rough, down the fairway but at the last moment it hit a small branch and veered off into the bunker. I like a game of golf myself said the priest that really is so annoying, was that when you used the F-word? No, I tried not to let it get to me. I took my time and hit a beautiful ball up onto the green only 2 inches from the hole. How frustrating, is that when you used the F-word? No Father, I still remained calm Don't tell me! interrupted the priest, You didn't miss the fucking putt!!

Mother Superior was talking to one of her young nuns. Sister, if you were out late at night on your own and a man attacked you, what would you do? I would lift up my habit she replied. Goodness me, and then what would you do? I would tell him to drop his pants. Oh, Lord! Save us! uttered the shocked Mother Superior. And then what? I would run away as fast as I could, and I can run much faster with my habit up, than he can with his trousers down

I'm supposed to hear confessions in half an hour but something unexpected has come up and I have to be the other side of the diocese by 2 o'clock. Will you take over from me here? asked the priest. What! but Ive never done it before. Its quite straight forward said the priest. Sit in with me for half an hour before I go and you'll soon get the hang of it. So the vicar agrees and is soon hidden away within earshot of the confessional. The first person to enter is a woman. Father, I have sinned. What have you done my child? I have been unfaithful. How many times have you been unfaithful? Four times Father and I am truly sorry. Very well, Put £2 in the box and say 10 Hail Marys and you'll be absolved. Not long after another woman comes in. Father, I have sinned. What have you done my child? I have slept with a married man. How many times? Twice. Then put £1 in the box, say 5 Hail Marys and you'll be absolved. Moments later the priest whispered to the vicar. You see how it works? Take over from me now, I have to go. So the vicar seated himself comfortably in the confessional and immediately a woman sat down on the other side. Father, I have sinned, she said. What have you done, my child? I have committed adultery. How many times? Only once, Father. Well, you'd better go back and do it again. What! You want me to do it again? Yes, its two for £1.


A simple-minded man was sitting opposite a priest on the train. Excuse me, why do you wear your collar back to front? asked the man. Its because 'Im a Father, replied the priest. But I'm a father too, said the man, and I don't wear my collar back to front. Aah, but the difference is, I'm a father to thousands. Well, in that case, retorted the man, its not your collar, its your trousers you should wear back to front.

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company. Ive got just what you need, said the pet shop owner. Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg hell sing Rock of Ages and if you pull the string on his right leg, hell recite the Lords Prayer. That is truly remarkable, exclaimed the vicar, but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time? I fall off my bloody perch, you wanker, screeched the parrot.

It was Saturday night and Ted and his two mates were all dressed up ready to paint the town red. But first, as usual, Ted popped into church for confession. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife. I suppose it was Mary from the dairy. No, Father. Don't tell me it was Beth at the Kings Arms? No, Father. Then it must have been that brazen hussy from the newsagents? After the priest had given out the penance, Ted went back outside to meet his friends. He smiled at them, saying, Its worked again, lads, Ive got the names of another three ravers!

Adam was all alone in the Garden of Eden and as he was wandering about he came across two rabbits, one humping the other. What are those two rabbits doing? he asked the Lord. And the Lord replied, They are making love. A little later he came across two doves, one mounted on the other. Lord, what are those two birds doing? asked Adam. They are making love came the reply. Adam thought for a moment and then said, Why am I all alone? Why don't I have someone to love? OK, Adam, when you wake up in the morning, you wont be alone any longer. So the next day when Adam awoke, Eve was lying next to him. He immediately jumped on top of her but a moment later he asked, Lord, whats a headache?


the night before he was arrested and crucified, his followers started to worry—Christ was still a virgin; wouldn’t it be nice to have him experience a little bit of pleasure before he dies? So they asked Mary Magdalene to go to the tent where Christ was resting and seduce him; Mary said she would do it gladly and went in, but five minutes later, she ran out screaming, terrified and furious. The followers asked her what went wrong, and she explained: “I slowly undressed, spread my legs and showed Christ my pussy; he looked at it, said ‘What a terrible wound! It should be healed!’ and gently put his palm on it.”

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

There is an 80 year old Mother Nun virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin". The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

The Mother Nun at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality."We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

A Jew, a Roman Catholic and a Mormon were talking one day and the subject of family size came up. The Jewish man said, “My wife just gave birth, so now I have enough children for a basketball team.” The Roman Catholic chipped in, “With the recent addition to our family I now have enough kids for a baseball team!” The Mormon replied, “When I marry my next wife I’ll have enough holes for a golf course.”

A bloke was walking across a bridge one day when she saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump. He ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.” “Why shouldn’t I?” he asked. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Are you religious?” He replied, “Yes.” “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?” “Protestant.” “Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist.” “Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God.” “Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God.” “Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.” The man replied: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

Taoism – shit happens.

Buddhism – if shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam – if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Protestantism – shit won’t happen if I work hard enough.

Judaism – why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism – this shit happened before.

Catholicism – if shit happens, it’s because I deserve it.

Hare Krishna – shit happens, Ramah Lama Ding Dong

TV Evangelism – end more shit.

Jehovah’s Witness – knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism – there’s nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science – shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism – maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

Rastafarianism – let’s smoke this shit!

Existentialism – what is shit anyway?

Stoicism – this shit doesn’t bother me.

Atheism – no shit.

A man dies and he goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says: “Come with me. You get to choose your eternal punishiment.” He walks by the first room and sees a man being whipped by a 300-lb transvestite and he thinks to himself, “Oh, God no!” He walks by the second room and sees a man being burned with cigarettes by a 200-lb transsexual vegetarian. Again, he thinks, “No way in hell will I choose that.” He walks by the third room and sees a beautiful blonde giving an old man a blow job. He says to Satan, “Okay. I’ll choose this one.” Satan agrees, walks up to the blonde and says: “You can go now, chuck. I’ve found your replacement.”

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the twenty-first century. “I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously. “Did you?” “I don’t know,” shrugged the other. “What was her maiden name?”

An Irish girl had not been home to visit her parents for years. Upon her return, her father berated her. “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call? Can you not understand what you put your poor mother through?” The girl, sobbing, replied, “Sorry dad. I was too ashamed. I became a prostitute.” “What!!?” yelled her father. “Get out of here, you shameless slut! You’re a disgrace to this fecking family.” “Okay, dad,” the girl sobbed, “as you wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat and this diamond necklace. And for my kid brother, this gold Rolex and for you, daddy, the keys to the Mercedes limited-edition convertible parked outside, plus a membership to the country club. There’s also an invitation for you all to spend Christmas on board my new yacht in the Riviera—” “Bejesus!” interrupts her father. “Come here and give your old man a hug! You scared us half to death, lass! We thought for a minute you said you’d become a Protestant!”

What is two miles long and has an IQ of forty? An Ulster Orangemen march.

The Protestant leader Reverend Ian Paisley is telling bedtime stories to his two granddaughters. “NOW, CHILDREN,” he asks gently, “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR? A FAIRY TALE, OR A HORROR STORY?!” “Horror, horror, please, grandad,” squeal the kids. “RIGHT! ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WERE THESE TWO CATHOLICS. AND NOW THERE’S THOUSANDS OF THE BASTARDS!”