JOKES 3500 TO 3599
3500. Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness" replied the student. "And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice. "Elation" said she. "And you sir" he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up!"
3501. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information?" "To save lives" the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again, "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school!" replied the professor.
3502. Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tim on the shoulder. "Pssst Tim. What's the answer to the last question?" Tim laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tim's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tim, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O!"
3503. Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin-victim, Resusci Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
3504. There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade, and C grade. One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular pursuits" went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one, he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments. "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth an A and now I'm pleased to give it one!"
3505. For a final philosophy examination, the question was, "What is courage?" 3 minutes into a 3 hour exam, one student wrote, "This is" and walked out. The professor responded by writing on the exam, "No, that was stupid!"
3506. It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing?" Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class!?"
3507. In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society’s ideal of beauty changes with time. “For example” he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" asked the professor. "For one thing" the student pointed out, "She'd be about a hundred years old!"
3508. While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That's the talking clock" the man replied with a grin, "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF , YOU JERKS! IT'S 2 AM!"
3509. Three college friends, one each from the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge and Loughborough, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to get into the stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate, watching all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn't have to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware shop and came back to try to get in. The Oxford student walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried. "Pole vaulting" he said, and the guard waved him through. The Cambridge student, having rigged up a ball to a length of chain, approached the guard next and showed of his wares. "Hammer throwing" he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through. The catering student from Southborough came last, with a roll of chain link on his shoulder. "Fencing!"
3510. According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors!
3511. A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well" replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry, "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks" replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology!"
3512. A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. "It's a pleasure to see a building named after Ernest Hemingway" he said. "Actually" said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?" "Yes, indeed" said his guide. "He wrote a check!"
3513. Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends. They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin. They looked at the first problem which was something simple about morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, “this is going to be an easy final.” They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tyre?!
3514. There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides!
3515. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change!
3516. A Tennessee graduate and a Bama graduate decided to rob a bank together. The Bama man plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the UT guy extensively. The robbery begins. The Bama man drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the Vol, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly" said the Vol. The Vol goes in the bank while the Bama man waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass and the Bama guy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes the Vol. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the guys are getting away, the Bama man says, "Man, I thought you understood the plan!" The Vol said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot" said the Bama man, "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
3517. Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways: Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte. Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing. Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines. Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart. Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts. Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria. Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction. Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic. Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned. Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply. Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 3624-36. Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old. Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all. Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term!
3518. MAJOR: Area of study that no longer interest you! GRADE: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment! SUMMER SCHOOL: A viable alternative to a summer job! QUARTER: The most coveted form of currency on campus! HUNGER: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying!
3519. Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay" looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because" the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
3520. A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature. "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history" replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment" goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow!"
3521. A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked. "I don't know" the student said. "Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know" said the professor. "That's not true" the student replied, "I never pay attention anyway!"
3522. Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie. The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee." With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM" the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming. The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school." Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" there was a huge wall around Auburn. The Alabama student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out." The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water!"
3523. Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: “I beg your pardon?” Student: “Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.” Proctor: “Sorry, no.” Student: “Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.” At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination!
3524. On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?!"
3525. A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer and they agreed. After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut." The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair." To which his father replied, "Yes, but they WALKED everywhere they went!"
3526. Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time. Since different schools have different admission requirements, the test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools: ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Build a real, working robot out of Legos. LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Pick your favorite color of Lego block. CULINARY COLLEGE: Bake an Eggo that no one would want to Lego. COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register. FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Steal as many Legos as possible!
3527. Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank, "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?!"
3528. A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. you also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000." "That's $1020!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy?" "Don't worry honey" Mom said, kissed Dad on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
3529. An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money!"
3530. Full form of P H D: Patiently hoping for a Degree! Probably headed for Divorce! Probably heavily in Debt! Probably hard to Describe! Permanent head Damage!
3531. Every morning a man drives to the dock, and Every morning a man takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up and had no electricity. He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for work. So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast and rushed out the door. He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running head start, and jumped as far as he could, and landed on the boat. And the captain of the boat said to him, "You know, if you had waited five minutes, we would have been in!"
3532. The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?!"
3533. A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now class. Observe the worms closely" said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
3534. George reported for his university final examination, which consists of “Yes/No” type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet yes for heads and no for tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and asks what is going on? George replies, “I’m rechecking my answers and I don’t think I did very good.”
3535. Pete decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Steve came home. Steve : How is your MBA preparation? Pete : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic. Steve : Logic is very easy. Pete : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand. Steve : OK. Do you have fish pot in your house? Pete: YES. Steve: Logically, there will be water in it. Pete: YES. Steve: Logically, there will be fish in it. Pete: YES. Steve: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish. Pete: YES. Steve : I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish. Pete: YES. Steve : so, logically, your are married. Pete: YES. Steve : So, that means U are a heterosexual. Pete was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Bobby and he was also preparing for MBA. Pete: How is your MBA preparation? Bobby : Everything is fine except for the logic. Pete: Oh, logic is easy. Bobby : Please, give me an example. Pete : Do you have a fish pot in your house? Bobby: NO, I don’t. Pete: Then you are a homosexual!!!
3536. A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty coed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"
3537. Been In College Too Long... You consider McDonald's "real food." You actually like doing laundry at home. 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. It starts getting late on the weeknights. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. You'd rather clean than study. Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life. You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.You know the pizza boy by name. You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. You live for getting mail. (E-mail included) Prank phone calls become funny again. Wal-Mart is the coolest store. World War III could take place and you'd be clueless. You start thinking and sounding like your roommate. Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth. Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime. You find out milk crates have so many uses. The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday
3538. Fun Things To Do During An Exam: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. Bring cheerleaders. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
3539. A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you." "Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."
3540. The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.
3541. One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class were disagreeing with her. Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was an atheist. Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?" Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?" "No." "Hear God?" "No." "Feel God?" "No." This went on for quite a while. "Well then God doesn't exist." Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's brain?” “No” “So that must not exist."
3542. Ms.Battle: Henry,I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test. Henry: I hope you didn't either.
3543. Q: What comes befor 8? A: My school bus usually.
3544. A lecturer was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he didn’t know how to put it in English… He went near the guy. Shouted “follow me”. The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted “Don’t follow me” and went inside the class…
3545. I asked the children in my Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?” “No!” the children all answered. Then I said, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?” Again, the answer was, “No!” “Well,” I continued, “Then how can I get to heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
3546. It is no fault of the student because a year has only 365 days. Days in a year = 365 days Sundays = 52 days (Sundays are meant for rest) Days left = 313 days Summer Vacations = 60 days (Weather is very hot, so it is difficult to study) Days left = 253 days Eight hours of daily sleep = 122 days (Necessary) Days left = 131 days One hour daily for play = 15 days (It’s good for health) Days left = 116 days Two hours for daily food = 30 days (Chew the food properly, don’t care for time) Days left = 86 days Examination days in a year = 30 days (Giving exams is necessary) Days left = 56 days Winter vacations = 25 days (Weather is cold, it’s difficult to study) Days left = 31 days Other holidays = 20 days (These holidays are to enjoy) Days left = 11 days Illness at least once a year = 8 days (Because of illness, study is difficult) Days left = 3 days Result days = 3 days (Going and taking result is necessary) Days left = 0 days So tell me, where is the time to study?!
3547. A middle aged man was walking down the street. He saw a business acquaintance looking downcast. “Jim, is everything okay?” he asked. “No, it’s not. My son was expelled from college because his poor eyesight.” The man was shocked, and replied “How could they expel your son for his eyesight?” Jim answered, “He mistook the dean of women for one of the co-eds.”
3548. Woman: “My husband forgets wedding anniversaries. What about you?” Friend: “Oh, he too forgets, so I remind him of it in January and June and get two presents a year!”
3549. A lady asked Paderewski, the great Polish pianist whether to play piano was difficult. “No, Madam”, replied the pianist, “All you have to do is to put the right finger on the right note at the right time. That is all!”
3550. Salesman: “Madam, this incense stick is such that when you burn it in your flat, the fragrance reaches the neighbor’s flat. Madam: “Great! Do sell them to our neighbor!
3551. “Liza, I cannot marry John. He does not believe in hell.” “Don’t worry about that. You just marry him. He will start believing in hell soon after!”
3552. “In today’s society, we cannot find out who is a boy and who is a girl. See that boy there.” “She is a girl and she is my daughter.” “I am sorry. I did not know that you are her father.” “No, I am her mother!”
3553. “Today is the 25th anniversary of our maidservant.” Guest at home asks, “What a surprise! Has she served you for 25 long years? She looks so young?” “No, no! She is the 25th maidservant at our home!”
3554. Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says,"Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
3555. One hot, humid afternoon, a man sat in a reclining lawn chair, reading and sipping iced tea while his wife mowed the lawn. The woman next door is outraged. "Aren't you ashamed, making your wife mow the lawn in this heat? You ought to be hung!" "I am," replied the man with a smile. "That's why my wife is mowing the lawn!"
3556. A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
3557. “You should be very, very happy, madam”, the fortune teller murmured. “A nobler man than your husband you have yet to meet.” “How exciting! But when!?” was the response.
3558. Income-tax officer: “You should pay your taxes with a smile.” Young lady: “I have tried thrice but every time they insist for cash!”
3559. “Hello! Hello!” exclaimed the elderly woman upon answering the telephone. “Who is this?” “Albert.” “Who? I can’t hear a word you say.” “Albert” shouted the young man. “A-l-b-e-r-t. A for Arthur, L for Lionel, B for Bertram, E for Edward, R for Robert, T for Tommie.” “Yes, yes” replied the old lady. “But which of you boys wants to speak to me!?”
3560. “I ordered a dozen oranges but you sent me only ten,” complained the housewife. “Part of our service madam”, replied the grocer, “two were bad so we saved you the trouble of throwing them away!”
3561. Mrs. Roy: “I hear Scarlet is taking French lessons.” Mrs. Eden: “Yes. She has just adopted a French baby from the orphanage and she wants to understand it when it begins to talk!”
3562. Girl 1: “Oh! I am doomed. That’s my husband coming with my lover.” Girl 2: “I was about to say the same thing too!”
3563. What I want in a Man, Original list: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises! What I want in a Man, Revised List (aged 32): 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries! What I want in a Man, Revised List (aged 42): 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends! What I want in a Man, Revised List (aged 52): 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends! What I want in a Man, Revised List (aged 62): 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I want in a Man, Revised List (aged 72): 1. Breathing. 2. Doesn't miss the toilet!
3564. My girlfriend, who is not very bright, sat next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept asking her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered 20 to 1 odds, and said each time she was unable to answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but each time he couldn’t answer hers, he'd give her $100. The lawyer thought that he couldn’t lose and reluctantly my girlfriend accepted the bet. The lawyer asked, "How far is the distance between Earth and the nearest star? My girlfriend gave him $5 without speaking. She then asked, "What goes uphill with 3 legs and comes back downhill with 4 legs?" The lawyer looked puzzled. After several hours, he gave up and reluctantly paid my girlfriend $100. She put it in her purse and the lawyer asked "What is the answer to your question"? Without a word being spoken, he handed him $5!
3565. My girlfriend was flying a plane the other day and was doing fine until at 4,000 feet, she crashed. When I asked her what happened, she said, "I really don't know! Everything was fine, but as I got higher, I began to get cold. I can hardly remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
3566. My girlfriend had just wrecked her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to emerge from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police officer arrived. “My Goodness!” the police officer gasped, “Your car looks like an accordion that has been crushed by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?” “Yes, thank you officer, I'm fine” my girlfriend replied. “How did this happen?” asked the Police Officer as he surveyed the wrecked car. “It was the strangest thing!” my girlfriend began. I was driving along this road when this tree jumped out on me. I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...” “Madam”, the officer said, cutting her short, “There are no trees for 20 miles on this road. That was your air freshener going back and forth!”
3567. Yoga Teacher: “Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?” Women: “Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head!”
3568. Father-in-Law: “Why are you angry with our son-in-law?” Mother-in-Law: “I asked him to put a board in front of our house saying, 'Beware of Dogs' and instead, he put a board saying 'Beware of Hogs'!
3569. Lady 1: “Did your husband agree for you to have an abortion?” Lady 2: “He is out of town for the past 11 months!”
3570. Lady: “My husband went to buy chicken two days ago and hasn’t yet returned.” Friend: “Why don’t you cook mutton or fish then?”
3571. A woman went into a bank in London wishing to loan $3,000 for one month. The loan officer said that he would require collateral. The woman says, “I have a Ferrari; here are a set of keys. Keep it until I repay the loan.” The loan is authorized and the Ferrari driven away for safe keeping. The woman returns one month later, pays the $3,000 loan together with $20 interest and the car is returned to her. Clearly puzzled, the loan officer says to her, “With respect, madam, I don't understand why someone like you who owns a Ferrari would need to borrow $3,000?” “Well" she replied, “I needed to go to the United States for 4 weeks and tell me, where in London can you store a Ferrari for $20 a month!?”
3572. My wife witnessed an accident the other day and telephoned the emergency services. “Where are you?” asked the operator. “Trichloroethane Drive” she replied. ”Can you spell that for me?” asked the operator. ”Hang on” said my wife, “I'll just get someone to push the car round the corner to Don Street!”
3573. A new Police cadet was taking their entrance exam and question one was, “If you were told that you needed to arrest your own mother, what is the first thing that you would do?” She pondered for a moment and wrote down, “Call for back-up!”
3574. A pretty young woman approaches the man behind the fabric counter and asks how much some material costs. “One kiss per meter” was the reply. “Okay, I will take five meters” said the woman. The man in anticipation quickly measured, wrapped the material and handed it to the young woman who seized the package and pointed to the little old lady beside her and said, “Grandma's paying the bill!”
3575. The woman on the telephone enquired, “What time in the morning will the library open?” “8.30.a.m.” was the reply. “I'm sorry, but why are you calling in the middle of the night asking such a question? Are you that desperate to get it?” “No” came the reply, “I'm desperate to get out!”
3576. Two women chatting in the supermarket. One said, “But how did you know that your husband was drunk?” “He tried putting his pin number into the microwave!” replied the other woman.
3577. A French woman phoned reception at the hotel where she was staying in New York and asked if room service could send her up some pepper to her room. “Is that black pepper or white paper” asked the receptionist. “Neither, I want toilet pepper!” came her reply.
3578. I telephoned the Police the other day but dialed the wrong number and got through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes, I hung up the phone – the woman was just going on and on!
3579. Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly broke into hysterical laughter. “What is so funny?” asked the passenger. The pilot replied, “I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped!”
3580. A tramp went up to an expensive looking house and knocked gently on the front door. The rich owner answered and the tramp asked if he could supply him with some food. The wealthy man said, “I didn't become rich by giving stuff away for free but I tell you what - if you go out the back and paint my porch, in return you will receive a fine meal.” After about twenty minutes, the tramp returns and knocks at the front door and the owner says, “Wow! Finished already. That was quick. Take a seat and my cook will bring you the food.” “Thanks” said the tramp, “But you should know one thing - that's a BMW you have out back, not a porch!”
3581. Two men went out fishing one fine day in a rented boat. They caught an amazing 42 fish. “Let’s come out again tomorrow but be sure to mark this great fishing spot on the lake” said one of the men to the other. The following day, they are on the way to pick up the boat and the same man asks, “Did you remember to mark that great fishing spot?” The other man replied, “Yes, I put a massive ‘X’ underneath the boat.” “You silly fool” said the first guy, “What happens if we are given a different boat today!?”
3582. A car was speeding down a motorway so a traffic cop took chase and when he caught up with the vehicle was amazed to see a woman knitting as she was speeding along. He realized that she was completely oblivious to the sirens, flashing lights etc. so got out his loud haler and bellowed, “PULL OVER.” The woman yelled back at him, “No it’s a scarf actually!”
3583. Jenny went to buy some ice-cream at the interval when she was at the cinema the other evening. On her return, she asked the man who was sitting on the end of a row, “I didn't step on your toes about 5 minutes ago, did I?” “You certainly did young lady” replied the man. “Thank goodness for that. I'm on the right row then!” she smiled.
3584. My girlfriend met her friend Libby as she was picking up her car from the garage. “Is the car okay now?” my girlfriend asked. “Yes, although it did worry me, the mechanic might attempt to overcharge me. So I was mighty relieved when he said that all that it needed was some blinker fluid!" replied Libby.
3585. There were two best friends who did almost everything together. Last week, the first friend says, “It's about time I lost some weight so tomorrow I'm starting a diet.” “Okay, I'll do the same” said the second friend. “We can help encourage each other to lose the weight and if I get the urge for some fries and a burger, I will call you first.” “That's brilliant” replied the first friend, “I need a lift to MacDonald’s as it is miles away!”
3586. My girlfriend and her friend are not very clever. The other day, when they went out to a supermarket, they locked themselves out of their Mercedes so tried to open it using a coat hanger. Try as they may, they were unable to unlock it. Just as her friend stopped for a rest, the heavens opened and my girlfriend shouted, “Get a move on, it's beginning to rain and I’ve left the hood off and don’t want the seats to get wet!”
3587. I wouldn’t say that my girlfriend was stupid but the other day she entered our local Library and said to the lady behind the desk, “Chicken nuggets and French fries please.” The woman replied, “Don’t you realize that you are in a library?” So she whispered very quietly, “Sorry, I said can I have some chicken nuggets and French fries, please!?”
3588. My girlfriend wanted to change the color scheme in her bedroom. She knew the color she wanted but wasn't sure how much wall covering she needed but her friend down the lane had done something similar recently and the rooms were about the same size. “Sarah” she asked, “Can you remember the number of rolls of wall covering it took you to decorate your room?” “Twelve” she replied. My girlfriend duly bought the twelve rolls of wall covering, finished the job and found that she had three rolls remaining. She phoned Sarah and told her this to which she replied, “Oh, I'm not surprised, so did I!”
3589. My girlfriend is not very bright. Last summer we were flying home from Ibiza when the pilot announced that one of the engines had packed up but not to panic as the remaining three were fine. The only problem was that it would increase our flying time by twenty minutes. A little later, the pilot announces that a second engine has now packed up but the remaining two are fine but now our flying time has been extended by 40 minutes. My girlfriend turned to me and said, “I hope the remaining two engines don’t pack up otherwise we will be stuck up here all day!”
3590. Girl: “Do u have any sentimental love cards?” Shopkeeper: “How about this card? It says, ‘To the only boy I ever loved.’ Girl: “Great! I want 10 of them!”
3591. The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. "And don't get a drop of paint on your habits" she sternly admonishes. The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take their clothes off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" asks one of the nuns. "Blind man" comes the reply. The nuns look at each other and shrug. "No harm letting him in" one says, and opens the door. "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
3592. Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood" she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there!?"
3593. Reasons why Beer is better than women: A frigid beer is a good beer. After a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickel. All you have to do to get head is undo the top and turn it upside down. Beer can is worth something after you've had it. Beer doesn't bother about foreplay. Beer doesn't care what position your in. Beer doesn't care when you come. Beer doesn't cry if you don't talk to it for a week. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. Beer labels peel off without a fight. Beer never talks back. Beer won't get pregnant. Beer won't mind if you fart after you've had it. Beers don't get fat. Beers improve with age. When you open a beer you know your the first and only one to have it. You can have a Beer in public. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty about it. You can share a beer with a friend and it doesn't care.
3594. A guy walks into a toy store in downtown New York and asks the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie at $15.95 Vacation Barbie at $15.95 Housewife Barbie at $15.95 and Divorced Barbie at $215.95!" The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorced Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorced Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's etc.!
3595. "What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement, Pam?" said her closest friend. "Well" Pam confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired!"
3596. Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first!"
3597. A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum, twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks!'"
3598. Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says, "My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it!"
3599. Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated." The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful." The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going!"