A guy went into a bar and met a really nice girl. They got on so well that after a few drinks they ended up in bed back at his place. Everything was great until, still on top of him, she suddenly had an epileptic seizure and began shaking and foaming at the mouth.

1731 The ignorant guy thought this was incredible - the best sex he’d ever had. He finished but she was still thrashing about. He wasn’t sure what was wrong but began to get a little nervous and decided to take her to the Emergency Room. When they arrived, she was still frothing and shaking. The nurse asked him what the problem was. He replied: ‘I think her orgasm’s stuck!’

Unable to bring his wife to orgasm, a little Jewish man turned to his rabbi for advice. The

1732 ra kk' sa ' c * : H ' re a stra PP' n 9 young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring about an orgasm.’

So the husband agreed to try it. He hired a handsome young man to wave a towel over them while they made love, but still the wife did not reach orgasm. When the husband reported the latest failure, the rabbi suggested reversing the roles. ‘Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.’

So the husband stood waving the towel while his wife and the young man made love. The young man soon got into his stride and began screwing the wife with a vengeance. She responded with forceful thrusts of her own and after a few minutes let out a prolonged cry of ecstasy that travelled halfway down the street. Exhausted but grinning

about:blank

364 of 523 9/5/2019 9:00 PM

from ear to ear, she slumped on the bed, totally satisfied.

The husband looked at the young man and declared triumphantly: ‘You see, that’s the way to wave a towel!’

1733 Why do women have orgasms? - It gives them another reason to moan.

1734 Why do women fake orgasms? - Because they think men care.

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. He was reading the latest issue of

1735 Animal Husbandry. Suddenly he turned to her and said: ‘Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?’

‘Is that right?’ she said, smiling. ‘Prove it!’

‘OK,’ he said, and to his wife’s bemusement, he got out of bed and went downstairs. He returned half an hour later, sweating profusely.

What happened to you?’ she asked.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I’m sure the cow and the sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can I tell?’

1736 Norm and Kirk were drinking at a bar. As the conversation turned to women, Norm said: ‘Did you know that there are four different types of female orgasm?’

‘Really?’ said Kirk. ‘What are they?’

‘There’s the Positive, the Negative, the Religious, and the Fake.’

‘What’s the difference?’

The Positive goes, “Oh yes! Ooh yes!” The Negative goes, “Oh no! Oh no!” The Religious goes, “Oh God! Oh God!” And the Fake goes, “Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!”’

A man and his wife were having sex. Fifteen minutes passed, then thirty, then forty-five.

1737 The sweat was pouring off them and it was becoming increasingly apparent that neither was going to reach orgasm.

Finally the wife said: ‘What’s the matter, darling, can’t you think of anyone else either?’

PARROTS

about:blank

365 of 523 9/5/2019 9:00 PM

A farmer and his wife were given a male parrot by an elderly aunt. The parrot had a high

1738 sex drive and at the first opportunity flew out of the farmhouse to screw the next-door neighbour’s turkey. When the neighbour complained, the farmer warned the parrot that if it happened again he would shave the parrot’s head.

But the parrot couldn’t help himself. Overcome with desire, he sneaked out that night and screwed the turkey again. When the farmer found out, he carried out his threat and shaved the parrot’s head.

The farmer’s daughter was getting married the following afternoon and, in order to please his aged aunt, the farmer sat the parrot on a piano in the church and told the bird that, as a punishment, he had to greet all the wedding guests and tell them where to sit.

The parrot proved extremely efficient, telling everyone: ‘Groom’s side to the left, bride’s side to the right.’ In fact everything was running smoothly until two bald men walked in. The parrot took one look at them and said: ‘Right, you two turkey fuckers, up here on the piano with me.’

A guy owned a parrot that never talked, so he went to the pet shop for advice. The pet

1739 shop P ro P rietor saicl: Your P arrot has t0 ° much hook in its beak - y° u have t0 f i |e its

a beak and then it will be able to talk just fine. But you’ve got to be careful not to file it too far because if you take too much off, the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.’

‘Flow much will this cost?’ asked the bird’s owner.

‘About $100.’

‘I can’t afford that sort of money. Filing down a parrot’s beak can’t be that difficult - I’ll do it myself.’

A week later the two men met in the street. Is your parrot talking yet?’ asked the shopkeeper.

‘No, he’s dead,’ replied the owner.

‘I told you not to file the beak back too far. Did he drown when he had a drink?’

‘No, he was dead before I got him out of the vice.’

His marriage becoming increasingly strained, a man decided that he wanted a pet as a 1740 companion he could relate to. So he went along to the pet shop in search of a new friend and there spotted a parrot with no legs or feet sitting on a perch.

about:blank

366 of 523 9/5/2019 9:00 PM

‘Goodness me!’ said the man to the shop owner. ‘What on earth happened to that parrot?’

‘I was born this way,’ squawked the parrot.

The man laughed to the owner. It was almost if the parrot understood me!’

‘I did,’ said the parrot. I understood every word. I’ll have you know I’m a highly intelligent bird. I can speak three languages and can conduct a stimulating conversation on a whole range of subjects from nuclear physics to football. I would make a great companion.’

The man was impressed by the parrot’s skills but one thing puzzled him. ‘How do you hang on to your perch without any feet?’

‘What I do,’ replied the parrot quietly, ‘is wrap my little parrot penis around the perch, rather like a hook. Nobody can see it because of my feathers.’

‘How ingenious!’ said the man. ‘You’re definitely the pet for me. How much are you?’

The price tag says $200,’ replied the parrot.

‘$200! I can’t afford that!’

‘Pssst,’ hissed the parrot, beckoning the guy closer with one wing. ‘Because I haven’t got any feet nobody wants to buy me, so you can get me for much less. I bet the shop owner would be willing to sell for fifteen.’

So the man offered fifteen dollars and walked out with the parrot.

Over the ensuing weeks, the parrot proved the ideal companion. He was witty, interesting, understanding and dished out excellent advice. The man was delighted with him. Then one day the man arrived home from work to find the parrot waiting eagerly for him.

‘Here,’ said the parrot, motioning him over to the cage. I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the window-cleaner.’

‘What?’ said the man.

‘Well,’ said the parrot, ‘when he called round today, your wife greeted him at the door in a skimpy nightdress and kissed him on the mouth.’

What happened then?’ asked the man.

The window-cleaner came into the house and lifted up her nightdress and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

about:blank

367 of 523 9/5/2019 9:00 PM

‘Oh, no!’ exclaimed the man. Then what?’

Then he lifted up the nightdress, got down on his knees and began fondling her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going lower and lower

The parrot paused.

What happened? What happened?’ asked the man frantically.

‘I don’t know,’ said the parrot. ‘At that point I fell off my perch.’

1741 A man asked his pet parrot: ‘What would you like for your birthday?’

The parrot said: ‘I want to get laid.’

So the man took his pet to the parrot whorehouse and gave him a hundred bucks. A few minutes later, the man heard wild squawking and when he went to find out what was causing the commotion, he saw his parrot yanking out the whore parrot’s colourful feathers.

‘What are you doing?’ demanded the man.

His parrot said: ‘For a hundred bucks I want her naked!’

A woman got up one morning, opened the blinds, took the cover off the parrot’s cage, made a coffee and lit a cigarette. A few minutes later, the phone rang. It was her

1742 boyfriend saying that he was coming right over. She immediately put out her cigarette, pulled down the blinds, put the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and got back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth, said: Well, that was a short fuckin’ day!’

1743 A woman went to her priest and said, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’

What do they say?’ inquired the priest.

They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”’

That’s obscene,’ snorted the priest. After thinking for a moment, he said: ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your birds will soon stop saying that awful phrase.’

Thank you,’ said the woman. That sounds a splendid idea.’

about:blank

368 of 523 9/5/2019 9:00 PM

So the next day she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside the cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her parrots in the cage with them. A few minutes later, the female parrots squawked in unison: ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, ‘Put the beads away, Frank! Our prayers have been answered!’

A man arrived at a party half-way through the evening to find most of the guests in the middle of a frenzied party game. Whats going on here? he asked. Oh come and join in, he was urged. Its a great game. All the girls are blindfolded and they have to go round guessing who the men are by feeling their private bits. The man hesitated. Oh I'm not sure about that, he said. Don't be daft, came the reply. Your names been called out four times already!

As the woman was walking down the street, she noticed a small boy who she thought was in need of a pee. Taking him by the hand she led him over to a little alley and helped him get his winkie out. but to her astonishment, it was huge and growing by the minute as she held it in her hand. My goodness, young fellow, how old are you? Twenty-eight replied the jockey.

You look upset, Jack, whats wrong? Ive just found my wife in bed with my best friend. Oh mate, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you do? I told her to pack her bags and fuck off. Good for you, and what about your best friend? I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, Bad dog!

How dare you ask me if Ive been to bed with anyone else, that's my business, she said angrily. I'm sorry, I didn't know that was your profession, replied the young man.

Three dogs end up in the vets and start talking to each other. Oh well, sighs the first, this is it, they're going to put me down for worrying sheep. They're putting me down as well, says the second dog. I bit the postman. The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there. Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn't help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild. I see, reply the other dogs, so you're being put down as well. Oh no, I'm here to have my nails cut.

A man comes home one night to find a nasty big rat humping a cat. The next day, he finds it humping a dog. Amazed at the sight, he takes the rat indoors to show his wife. Heh, Doris, you'll never believe what this rat but before he can finish, she interrupts him with a scream. Get that bloody sex maniac out of here.

After spending six months in a desert outpost, the new recruit goes to see his commanding officer. I'm sorry, Sir, but this place is driving me nuts. If only we had some female company. Well, I cant do anything about that, son, replies the officer, but we do have something else. There's a barrel over there with a hole in the side and you'll find that will help to relieve your frustrations. You're free to use it any day but Wednesday. Thank you, Sir, replies the recruit, but why cant I use it on Wednesday? Well, its all based on a sharing system and on Wednesdays its your turn in the barrel.

The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man 19 stone, hairy and rough and doing life for murder. Now lets get one thing sorted out straight away, he snarled, are you going to be the husband or the wife? Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered I, Ill er be the husband, thinking it was the better of two evils. Okay, husband, grinned the brute. Get down on your knees and suck your wife's dick

Two women are watching a film in the cinema when one turns to the other in surprise. You're not going to believe this, Mav, but the man sitting next to me is masturbating. Dirty bugger, just ignore him, she hisses. I cant, hes using my hand.

a fool having intercourse for the first time, the girl has to tell him exactly what to do: “See this hole between my legs? Put it in here. Now push it deep. Now pull it out. Push it in, pull it out, push it in, pull it out …” “Now wait a minute,” the fool interrupts her, “make up your mind! In or out?”

Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration

A guy goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, " Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?" The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!" Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him, "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations." The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?"

“There’s a saying, “Talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening.” Inevitably, the hand won’t listen either, so I started talking to my own hand. Well, things went well and one thing led to another. Before you know it, we were in my room having great sex.”

Two guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island. After a week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing, she kills herself. After another week, the two guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her. After another week they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up.

I was masturbating to a National Geographic magazine the other day. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.

Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

In 2008, the US government commissioned a study to fnd out why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After three years and $2 million, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the Americans published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000 and one year of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Ireland, unsatisfed with these findings, conducted their own study. After three weeks, and at a cost of around $45.50, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from fying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A white bloke walks into a pub, totally bladdered and shouts, “All Muslims are wankers.” A man sitting in the corner replies, “I take serious offense to that statement! It is factually incorrect.” The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?” He replies proudly, “No. But I am a wanker.”

My wife insisted I stopped masturbating. “Why?” I replied. “It’s perfectly natural.” She countered, “The kids are trying to eat their dinner.”

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me I had to stop wanking. I asked her why. She said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby? You know for certain that your dad is a wanker.

A man is walking down a country lane late one night when he has a sudden urge for sex. He sees a pumpkin patch in the fIeld by the lane and figures that as a pumpkin is soft inside it will be the next best thing. He cuts a hole in a pumpkin and proceeds to pleasure himself. He gets so carried away that he fails to notice that a police car had stopped at the side of the road. A police woman gets out of the car and shines a torch on him. “Excuse me, sir,” she says, “but if I’m not mistaken, you appear to be screwing a pumpkin.” The man looks horrified. “A pumpkin? Fuck! Is it midnight already?”

What’s the ultimate sexual rejection? When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

For dads there is Father’s Day. For mothers there is Mother’s Day. For lovers there is Valentine’s Day. And for wankers there is Palm Sunday.

I was very disappointed to read that a man can get paid £60 just for donating his sperm. Just think of all that money I’ve let slip through my fngers.

My wife has lost the urge to masturbate. She’s just not feeling herself lately.

What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste.

A man goes to the doctor for his test results. “Mr Jones, do you want the good news or the bad news?” the doctor asks. “Give it to me straight, doc,” he replies. “Okay then,” says the doctor, “you have less than forty-eight hours to live.” The man is shocked and says, “Well . . . what’s the good news?” The doctor smiles, “We’re naming a disease after you.”

What sits at the bottom of the bed and takes the piss? A kidney dialysis machine.

How can you tell which is the head nurse in a hospital? She’s the one with the dirty knees.

What’s the defnition of machismo? Jogging home from your vasectomy.

A man walks in to a mental hospital and says to the receptionist: “Excuse me, is there anyone in room 30?” The receptionist leaves the desk to check. She comes back and says, “No, sir, there’s no one in there.” “Ah, that’s good,” says the man. “I must have escaped.”

I like to dress up like a white arctic bear and I have sex with men and women. I think I might be bi-polar.

A man is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises. “Excuse me”, he asks him. “What are you doing?” “I’m driving my car!” says the guy excitedly. “Beep beep!” “You are not in a car, my friend, you are in a bed in a mental hospital.” A voice comes from the bed opposite: “Mate, shut the fuck up, will you? He’s paying me twenty quid a day to wash it.”

My new girlfriend broke down the other day and confessed that she self harms. I told her, “All right love, don’t beat yourself up over it.”

A large group of punters enter a bar and order a huge round of drinks. When they come to pay they give the barman milk bottle tops. “What the hell is this?” says the barman. The head of the group comes over to explain. “It’s the annual outing from the mental institute down the road. Just humour them, keep a tab and, at the end of the night, I’ll settle up with you,” says the guy. “Okay,” says the barman with a big wink. The night rolls on and it’s a roaring success. The barman hails the group leader. “That was a great night! Not one of them is sober, and no trouble at all!” he says, amazed. “That will be £473.82, please.” “No problem. Have you got change for a dustbin lid?”

I’ve been taking steps to combat my kleptomania. Now my window cleaner can’t reach the windows.

Why should you never take the piss out of a retarded midget? Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights whilst not really paying attention. When the driver got out, I saw that he was a dwarf. He said, “I’m not happy . . .” I replied, “Okay, so which one are you then?”

Did you hear about the gay midget? It took him a lot of courage, but he finally came out of the cupboard.

What do you get if you leave a midget in the sun too long? A red dwarf.

A dwarf walked in to a bar. The barman said “Oi, short arse, where are the other six?” The dwarf replied, “Fuck off, you cunt, I’m off.” He must have been Grumpy.

Two dwarfs walk into a mini-bar.

I was reading in the paper about this dwarf who had his pocket picked and his wallet stolen. How could anyone stoop so low?

What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

Every day at the office a man approaches a female co-worker at the water cooler, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and says: “Mmm. Your hair smells nice.” After a couple of week of this, she can’t stand it any longer and complains to Human Resources. Without identifying her co-worker, she tells them what he does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies, “It’s Mick, the midget.”

A female midget friend of mine says she has decided to become a prostitute. This had made me very sad. I just feel like she’s selling herself short.

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a holiday in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re captivated by two glamorous prostitutes and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, when, having got back to his room, he finds that he can’t manage an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears shouts of “ONE, TWO, THREE . . . HUP!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “So how did it go?” The first dwarf whispers back: “To be honest, it was so fucking embarrassing. I just couldn’t get a hard-on.” The second dwarf shakes his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even climb on to the bed.”

A woman comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with a female dwarf. “You bastard!” she yells. “You promised you were done with playing around behind my back.” “For Christ’s sake woman,” replies the husband, “can’t you see I’m cutting down?”

What is the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About three pounds, including the urn.

What do you have when you have a mother-in-law buried up to her neck in sand? Not enough sand.

What looks good on a mother-in-law? A doberman.

“I was in the shopping centre the other day when I saw six hoodies attacking my mother-in-law. As I stood there and watched, my wife said, “Well, aren’t you going to help?” I replied, “Nope. Six should be enough.” ”

A bloke brings his dog into the vet and says, “Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?” The vet examines the tail and says, “There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?” The man replies, “My mother-in-law is coming to visit. I don’t want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome.”

If your wife and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you had to choose, would you go to the pub or hire a DVD?

Necrophilia. It means never having to say you’re sorry.

What’s the definition of disappointment? A necrophiliac finding someone buried alive.

Necrophilia. Nature’s way of telling you that your love life has gone stale.

I used to be really into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality, until I realized I was just fogging a dead horse.

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, “You know that woman they brought in last week? They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. I’m telling you, her clit was just like a pickle.” “What,” the other asks, “green?” “No,” says the first, “a bit sour.”

Necrophilia: the uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Did you hear about the hypochondriac necrophiliac? He was so scared of catching something he only has sex with cadavers without removing them from the body bag.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and rape? The body temperature.

Three necrophiliacs get together in a pub to chew the fat over some of the finer points of their perversion. They start talking about the best postmortem time for penetrating the corpse. The first necrophiliac says that he likes to shag the warm dead body moments after death. The other two beg to differ; after all, if the body is still warm, there is not much point even calling it necrophilia, is there? The second necrophiliac says he likes to wait around for three days after death before copping off with the deceased: “Rigor mortis has set in, and it’s always good to get stiff with a proper stiff.” The third necrophiliac smiles and says he prefers to wait around three months. The other two are amazed and ask him why. He replies, “That way, I can penetrate the body anywhere I want.”

I used to be a necrophiliac - until some rotten cunt split on me.

I went out with this girl who was a nymphomaniac kleptomaniac. The bitch stole all my condoms.

“Doctor,” the woman said to the psychiatrist, “everyone says I’m a nymphomaniac.” “I understand,” said the shrink. “But I’ll be able to take better notes if you’ll let go of my cock.”

Did you hear about the Mexican nymphomaniac? She had Juan too many.

One night, as a couple lay in bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry, darling, I’ve got an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, feeling rejected, reluctantly turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. “Er . . . I don’t suppose you’re seeing your dentist tomorrow, are you?”

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

Why is giving a woman oral sex like playing Monopoly? Because it may have seemed like a good idea at the start, but it always takes too long to finish.

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Line me up ten whiskies.” So the barman lines them up and the man gulips them down one after another. “Christ,” says the landlord. “What are you celebrating?” “My first blow job,” replies the man. “No shit!” says the landlord. “Have another one on the house.” “No thanks,” says the man. “If ten whiskies doesn’t get rid of the taste, another one won’t make any difference.”

What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common? You can’t get either of them at home.

There’s a sucker born every minute, but a swallower is harder to find.

Three mates are chatting in the pub. One says: “My wife only lets me have sex once a week.” The second says: “Think yourself lucky. My wife only lets me have sex once a month.” The third says: “You’re both lucky. If my missus didn’t sleep with her mouth open I wouldn’t be getting any at all.”

What’s an Australian kiss? The same as a French kiss, but down under.

What is the definition of “Egghead”? Something Mrs Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What’s the worst thing a mother can say to her child? I should have swallowed you when I had the chance.

What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

What has six legs and eats pussy? You, me and Martina Navratilova.

What is the definition of a perfect male lover? A man with a nine-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

How can you tell that you have an exceptionally high sperm count? Your date has to chew before she swallows.

How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, apparently frying one of his socks in a pan. “What the hell are you doing?” he asks. “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed, blind drunk,” she replies. Baffled, the man replies, “No way. I don’t remember asking you to cook my sock.”

What is the worst thing about oral sex? The view.

What do you call the space between the vagina and the arsehole? The chin rest.

When is an elf not an elf? When she’s sucking your cock, she’s a goblin.

Why do men love blow jobs so much? They love any job they can lie back and watch a woman do.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After a couple of years your job still sucks.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head? Partially disabled.

“In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them so much, 5 per cent enjoyed the sensation, 10 per cent enjoyed the excitement and 85 per cent just liked the fucking silence.”

How do we know God is a man? Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Why are pubic hairs curly? So they don’t poke you in the eye.

Why is cunnilingus like being in the Mafia? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

How can you tell if you were involved in some drunken oral sex the night before? You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus.

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

What’s the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What is the biggest drawback for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care.

I went to an 1980s-themed party the other night. It started off great but by the end we’d all caught AIDS and lost our jobs.

I went to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. A really ft-looking woman at the door said to me, “This is a fancy dress party, you know. What are you supposed to be?” “A premature ejaculation,” I replied. “What do you mean?” replied the woman. “Well, I’ve just come in my pants.”

I was at a party last night, much the worse for drink, and I walked up to this bird and said, “Duck my sick!” She replied, “You are drunk, don’t you mean suck my dick?” I said, “No!” then threw up all over her.

A man goes to a fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. “So what the fuck are you supposed to be?” the host asks. “I’m a turtle,” the man replies. “Sounds like a load of bollocks to me,” replies his host. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?” “Well,” the bloke replies, “that’s Michelle.”

“I’ve just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck, the pass the parcel was like lightning!”

A man was in bed with his new Thai bride. After a couple of hours of fantastic, steamy sex, she spent the next hour stroking his penis while he enjoyed a smoke. “That’s nice,” he says. “Why do you like doing that?” She replies, “Because I really miss mine.”

My last girlfriend used to call my penis “Weapon of Mass Destruction”. I was flattered until I found out what she meant was it was really hard to find.

Did you hear about the man with five dicks? His pants fit like a glove.

A Canadian, an American and an Australian were on a cruise ship, enjoying a bullshitting session. The Canadian said, “In Canada we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.” The American said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.” The Australian replied, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” He then stretched his hands so wide that it would do a fisherman justice. “Jesus. How the hell do you screw them, then?” asked the American. “They stretch.”

A man went into a pharmacist’s and asked for a vial of cyanide. The assistant asked him what he wanted it for. The man answered calmly, “I want to kill my wife.” The pharmacist was shocked but kept his professional composure. “I’m sorry, sir,” he replied, “but you will have to understand under the circumstances that I am unable to supply you any cyanide.” The man reached into his wallet and produced a photo of his wife. The chemist studied it for a while and returned it. “I see, sir. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

A man went into a pharmacist’s and said to the assistant, “Excuse me, do you have cotton wool balls?” He replied, “What do you think I am, a fucking teddy bear?”

A man went to the pharmacist’s to buy some condoms. “I wonder”, said the pharmacist, “if I might interest you in our very latest product, the Artificial Vagina.” The customer couldn’t believe his ears, so the pharmacist took one from behind the counter and showed it to him. “It looks just like the real thing!” “It certainly does,” replied the chemist. “Why don’t you give it a real test, just smell it.” “Christ! It smells just like one!” “A final test, just feel it.” “I can’t believe it, it feels just like a real one, I’ll buy it!” “Should I wrap it up?” “Don’t bother, I’ll eat it here.”

A little boy went to the pharmacist’s for some condoms. He walked up to the counter and said, “Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?” The pharmacist replied, “Son, do you know what condoms are used for?” “Yes,” replied the boy. “They keep you from catching venereal diseases.” “All right,” said the pharmacist, “but do you know what the ribs are for?” The little boy thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, “Well, not exactly, but they certainly make the hair on my hamster’s back stand on end.”

A mother is cleaning her son’s room when she finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she shows the magazine to her husband. “Well?” his wife asks. “What do you think we should do?” “I’m really not sure,” the father replies. “But it’s probably not a good idea to spank him.”

Twenty Lessons We have learned from Watching Porn

1 Women always wear high heels to bed. 2 Men are never impotent. 3 When going down on a woman, ten seconds is more than satisfactory. 4 If a woman is discovered masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist that he shags her. 5 Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk. 6 Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men. 7 Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job. 8 Women always achieve orgasm when men do. 9 A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket. 10 All women are noisy fucks.

Why is porn like a KFC meal? It feels great when you’re doing it, but afterwards, you feel really dirty and your hands are all sticky.

Actors are often advised never to work with children or animals. Except in the porn industry.

I discovered today that my grandmother once starred in a porno flm. I don’t know what disgusts me more, the fact she made it or the fact I carried on wanking after I recognized her.

Why do women watch porn? To see if the characters get married at the end.

Gay porn. What a load of bollocks.

I was invited to a function at the Premature Ejaculation Society. When I asked if there was a dress code, they said, “No, just come as you are.”

Premature ejaculation isn’t all bad news. I made ten sex-line calls last month and my total phone bill was less than two quid.

“Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you cure me?” “No. But I can introduce you to a women with a short attention span.”

Premature ejaculation. The greatest compliment a man can pay a woman and still they moan about it.

Three prostitutes make a bet on who has the biggest vagina. They take their clothes off and start fingering themselves and each other. They can’t agree, however, which lady has the largest snatch. After a few minutes, one of the prossers has an idea. She squats on a glass top table so they measure the slimy deposit she leaves behind. The second one then squats on the table and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger. The third one squats on the table. When she stands back up, the first prostitute says, “You didn’t leave an outline.” She laughs, “Just smell the rim!”

A prostitute goes to the doctor complaining of morning sickness. The doctor says, “Congratulations! Do you know who the father is?” “Put it this way,” replied the prostitute, “if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

A prostitute was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any problems you should be telling me about?” the doctor asked. “Well, I have noticed just lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?” The doctor answered, “Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?” After thinking for a moment, the hooker replied, “About £300 on a bad night.”

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs? Cash and carry.

What’s the best thing about having a sister who’s a prostitute? The family discount.

Did you hear about the prostitute who took up bondage? She was a bit strapped for cash.

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short cut through an unlit park. A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5. He thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way. A policeman passes by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking. He shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he’s doing. The man replies calmly, “I’m just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?” The officer responds, “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t realize it was your wife.” The man replies, “That’s quite all right, officer. Until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I.”

What do you call a prostitute in a wheel chair? Park and ride.

Judging by the itching and the rash, I think I may be allergic to prostitutes.

Four generations of the same family of prostitutes are talking in the kitchen. The daughter prostitute says, “I got £50 for a blow job today.” The mother prostitute says, “In my day, it was £5.” The grandmother prostitute says, “In my day, it was 50p.” The great-grandmother prostitute says, “Well, in my day, we were just glad for the warm drink.”

What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant? A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever.

I slept with one of those high-class tarts the other week. I’m not very happy though. The bitch gave me lobsters.

What do you call a prostitute on amphetamines? A speed hump.

How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

I was in New York riding the subway when a black man came up to me and said, “Do you know if the Yankees won?” I replied, “You haven’t heard? Yes, the Yankees won . . . you’re free!”

Two Alabama cops are patrolling one afternoon when a young black teenager rides past on his bicycle. Seeing him, the first policeman takes out his gun and shoots the boy in the head. His partner says, “Why did you do that?” “Because there is a strict six o’clock curfew on all blacks,” replies the shooter. His mate says, “Yes, but it’s only 4.30.” “I know,” says the shooter, “but I know where he lives, and he’d never get home by six o’clock.”

A black guy dies and goes to Heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter. St Peter says, “Heaven is very full at the moment and we are restricting entry only to people who have done something amazing with their lives. Have you ever done anything amazing in your life?” The black guy replies, “In fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Ku Klux Klan.” “No way!” says St Peter, “That is truly amazing! When did that happen?” “Oh, about three minutes ago.”

Police in Alabama found the body of black man hanging from a tree. His arms and legs had been removed, he had been set on fire and shot several times. The police said it was the worst suicide they had ever seen.

My boss is black and this week he called me into his office and accused me of being racist. I replied: “I don’t like your tone.”

A half-Jewish, half-black lad asks his mother, “Mum, am I mostly Jewish or mostly black?” “That’s a silly question,” she replies. “Go and bother your father, already.” Off he goes to his father and asks: “Dad, would you say I’m mostly Jewish or mostly black?” “You’re just you, son, why are you asking dumb-ass questions like that?” “Well, my friend’s selling his bike for fifty quid and I don’t know whether to Jew him down to twenty-five or just wait until dark and steal it.”

Why don’t black people go on cruises? They’re not falling for that one again.

How many rednecks does it take to grease a combine? Only two if you run them through real slow.

What do you call a redneck at college? The cleaner.

How can you tell if a girl is a redneck? She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time and know what to spit and what to swallow.

What’s the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!

Two old age pensioners are having oral sex. After a few minutes he chokes, “Sorry, love, the smell’s too bad down there, I can’t carry on.” “That’ll be my arthritis,” she replies. “I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before.” “No,” she says. “It’s in my arms and hands. I can’t wipe me arse.”

An old man is kneeling by the bed. His wife says, “What are you praying for?” “Guidance,” he replies. She says, “Pray for stiffness – I’ll guide it in myself.”

What do you call a successful masturbation by a ninety-year-old man? Miracle whip.

An elderly couple in their eighties just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel bridal suite she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. Meanwhile he is in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits . . . and waits . . . and waits . . . until she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. “Honey,” she says, “what on earth are you doing? I’m eighty-six years old and can’t get pregnant any more.” He looks up at her and says, “I know, darling, but you know how the damp affects my arthritis.”

What’s the best form of birth control after fifty? Nudity.

A ninety-year-old man went to see his doctor for a check-up. “How are feeling in general,” asked his doctor. “I’ve never felt better,” replied the old man. “I have an eighteen-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly patient who likes to shoot rabbits. One day when he was going out he got a little confused and he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the woods, he saw a rabbit raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”The ninety-year-old considered this for a few seconds and said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

According to recent research, more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. This means that, by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

An elderly man goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with my sex life.” The doctor asks, “Can you describe the problem?” “Well, I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work.” “Okay . . .” the doctor replies. “I haven’t finished yet. I go for a walk in the park and shag my girlfriend in the bushes. Then at lunchtime I go to the pub and shag the young barmaid a couple of times. I go back home and shag my wife again in the afternoon. Then I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep.” “Well, I don’t see what the problem is.” “Well, doctor,” says the old man, “it hurts when I have a wank.”

I met a much older woman in a bar last night. She was looking a bit ropey but she wasn’t bad for fifty-eight and she had a massive pair of tits. We had a few drinks and flirted, then she asked if I’d ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said, “No.” We had a couple more drinks then she told me that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place, barely concealing my excitement. Then she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mother, are you still awake?”

A little boy and his grandad are playing in the garden. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandad, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you £5 you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. His grandad hands the little boy £5, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another £5. The little boy shakes his head: “Grandad, you already gave me £5?” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.

A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.” “G.I. Joe?” the mother replies. “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?” “No,” the daughter replied. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

Jane met Tarzan for the first time. After some preliminary flirting, she asked him about his sex life. “Tarzan not know sex,” he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh, I understand. Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.” A little bemused, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong. But I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes and stood naked before him. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth revealing a huge erection, then directed an almighty kick right in her fanny. As Jane rolled around the foor in agony, she managed to gasp: “What did you do that for?” “Tarzan check for bees.”

A woman brings eight-year-old Jimmy home and complains to his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with her eight-year-old daughter. “Let’s not be too harsh,” says Jimmy’s mum. “They are bound to be curious about sex at that age.” “Curious about sex?” replies the girl’s mother. “He’s removed her appendix!”

What’s the definition of a competitive alpha male? Someone who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest.

Why are men like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours and half the time they don’t work.

How are men and linoleum foors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next twenty years.

Why is a man’s urine yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he’s coming or going.

What’s the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy? An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

What did one gay sperm say to another? “How do we find an egg in all of this shit?”

One sperm says to the other: “How far is it to the ovaries?” The other one replies: “Relax, dude. We just passed the tonsils.”

An woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. “Have you thought about getting him to try Viagra?” asks the doctor. “Not a chance,” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?” “It the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years! Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tesco again.”

Why do they give Viagra to old men in nursing homes? So they don’t roll out of bed.

A man goes to the chemist’s and asks for a pack of Viagra. “Do you have a prescription?” the pharmacist asks. “No,” he replied, “but here’s a picture of my wife.”

An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist’s and asked for some Viagra. The chemist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?” The old man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.” The chemist said, “That won’t do you any good.” The old man replied, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex any more. I am eighty-three years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my shoes.”

As of today, Viagra will also be available over the counter by its correct generic medical name. Please ask your pharmacist for “Mycoxafloppin”.