JOKES 3900 TO 3999
3900. Your Mama's so stupid she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album!
3901. Your Mama's so stupid she thought asphalt was a skin disease!
3902. Your Mama's so stupid she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum!
3903. Your Mama's so stupid she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses!
3904. Your Mama's so stupid if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose!
3905. Your Mama's so stupid I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, I asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail!
3906. Your Mama's so stupid she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed!
3907. Your Mama's so stupid she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu!
3908. Your Mama's so stupid she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with!
3909. Your Mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."!
3910. Your Mama's so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!
3911. Your Mama's so stupid she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut!
3912. Your Mama's so stupid when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino!
3913. Your Mama's so stupid she thought she could get food stamps at the post office!
3914. Your Mama's so stupid she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff!
3915. Your Mama's so stupid she tried to mail a letter with food stamps!
3916. Your Mama's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod!
3917. Your Mama's so stupid she thought hamburger helper came with another person!
3918. Your Mama's so stupid she called the 7-11 to see when they closed!
3919. Your Mama's so stupid when we drove past the YMCA she said "Hey look, they spelled macy's wrong!"
3920. Your Mama's so stupid she jumped off a building in attempt to fly because she thought her maxi pad had wings!
3921. Your Mama's so stupid the worst six years of her life were grade three!
3922. Your Mama's so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and peed her pants!
3923. Your Mamma is so short.... she could hang-glide on a potato chip.
3924. Your momma is so fat, when she goes swimmin, she leaves a ring around the lake!
3925. Your momma's so fat she sat on a penny and Abraham Lincoln started singing, "Oh say can you see, get your fat butt off me!"
3926. Your Momma’s so poor that when some kid stole her skate board she said "Hey who took the family car?"
3927. Your Mama's So Ugly she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she was hit with the ugly log!
3928. Your Mama's So Ugly kids dress up as her for Halloween!
3929. Your Mama's So Ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."!
3930. Your Mama's So Ugly if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it!
3931. Your Mama's So Ugly people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen!
3932. Your Mama's So Ugly people hang her picture in their basements to scare the rats away!
3933. Your Mama's So Ugly her shadow ran away from her!
3934. Your Mama's So Ugly I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a pay check!
3935. Your Mama's So Ugly people at the circus pay money not to see her!
3936. Your Mama's So Ugly she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork!
3937. Your Mama's So Ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
3938. Your Mama's So Ugly that she went to an ugly contest and they said "sorry no professionals"!
3939. Your Mama's So Ugly just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."!
3940. Your Mama's So Ugly her face is closed on weekends!
3941. Your Mama's So Ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
3942. Your Mama's So Ugly when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her!
3943. Your Mama's So Ugly that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team!
3944. Your Mama's So Ugly they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty!
3945. Your Mama's So Ugly she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keep breaking!
3946. Your Mama's So Ugly she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks!
3947. Your Mama's So Ugly she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What the fuck?!?!"!
3948. Your Mama's So Ugly she hurts my feelings!
3949. Your Mama's So Ugly she gets 7 years bad luck when ever trying to look at herself in the mirror!
3950. Your Mama's So Ugly Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
3951. Your Mama's So Ugly even the elephant man paid to see her!
3952. Your Mama's So Ugly even the tide won't come back in!
3953. Your Mama's So Ugly that if ugly were a crime, she'd get the electric chair!
3954. Your Mama's So Ugly they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks!
3955. Your Mama's So Ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone!
3956. Your Mama's So Ugly she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares!
3957. Your Mama's So Ugly my dog took one look at her and ran away!
3958. Your Mama's So Ugly her pillow cries at night!
3959. Your Mama's So Ugly she has a sign in her yard that says "Beware of Dog."!
3960. Your Mama's So Ugly that when she was a baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot!
3961. Your Mama's So Ugly you're dad first met her at the pound!
3962. Your Mama's So Ugly when she was born, the doctor slapped her and her parents!
3963. Your Mama's So Ugly she tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog still wouldn't play with her!
3964. Your Mama's So Ugly if she were a scarecrow, the corn would run away!
3965. Your Mama's So Ugly it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym!
3966. Your Mama's So Ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints!
3967. Your Mama's So Ugly when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains!
3968. Your Mama's So Ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras!
3969. Your Mama's So Ugly she has to creep up on water to get a drink!
3970. Your Mama's So Ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her!
3971. Your Mama's So Ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars!
3972. Your Mama's So Ugly they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
3973. Your Mama's So Ugly she practices birth control by leaving the lights on!
3974. Your Mama's So Ugly we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation!
3975. Your Mama's So Ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down!
3976. Your Mama's So Ugly Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered elephant!
3977. Your Mama's So Ugly her face is like a peice of modern art you can't tell what it is!
3978. Your Mama's So Ugly Medusa is jealous!
3979. Your Mama's So Ugly her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel!
3980. Your Mama's So Ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!!
3981. Your Mama's So Ugly she has to creep up on her makeup!
3982. Your Mama's So Ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries!
3983. Your Mama's So Ugly when she was born the doctor smacked everyone!
3984. Your Mama's So Ugly when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming!
3985. Yo mama is so ugly that even Bob the Builder said, "We cant fix it."
3986. Yo mama is so fat when she put on a Malcolm x t-shirt a helicopter landed!
3987. Yours truly, mamma is so fat that when she weighed herself on the scales, it came up with her telephone number!
3988. 1504. A viola player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he is handed a beautiful new viola and invited to play in the Orchestra of Heaven, a rehearsal of which is about to begin. He enters the hall and beholds the largest orchestra he has ever seen -- 496 violins, 432 violas, 269 cellos, 147 double basses, 18 flutes, 15 clarinets, 12 oboes, 11 bassoons, 8 horns, 6 trumpets, 3 trombones,... and a tuba. He takes his place as the 433rd violist, and then the conductor comes out--and it's God himself. He picks up the baton and begins conducting, and the most wonderful sounds the violist has ever heard come pouring out of the orchestra. Suddenly, God looks right at the new violist, who begins to cower. God leans forward menacingly, points his baton right at the by now terrified violist, and shouts... "Trombones, too loud!"
3989. One afternoon, Sir Adrian Boult was conducting a program of contemporary music, one of the items being a work by the composer X. The rehearsal had been going on for some time when Mr. X himself arrived, sat in the hall, and listened to the music for a while, showing increasing signs of restlessness and irritation. In the end, he stood up. "Sir Adrian" he called out, "Sir Adrian, could you PLEASE take it a little quicker?" Sir Adrian Boult peered out into the hall. "Ah, Mr. X" he said, "Yes, certainly, we can take it quicker if you wish. But you do realize that we haven't come to your piece yet, don't you!?"
3990. Researchers wanted to determine if dogs took on the characteristics of their masters. So they set up an experiment in their lab with three dog owners and their dogs. The first owner was a mathematician, the second a chemist, the third a musician! The first dog, owned by the mathematician, was quite impressive, and when thrown a bunch of milk bones onto the floor, used her paws to begin arranging them into elaborate mathematical equations! "Pretty good!" said the researchers, "but not conclusive!" The second dog, owned by the chemist, when thrown a bunch of milk bones on the floor, began to arrange them to display complex chemical formulas! "Not bad!" said the researchers, "but still not conclusive enough!" However, the results of the third dog WERE very convincing in proving that dogs DO take on characteristics of their owners... for the musician's dog... came late, ate all the bones, made it with the other two dogs, then left early!
3991. A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)...Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah" Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke replied, “Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings!”
3992. A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, " I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!"
3993. Fritz Kiser and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kiser got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov , "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
3994. A violin player came home one day to find his house burnt to the ground, and policemen, firemen etc, standing around. He went up to one and asked, "What happened to my house?" The policeman replied, "Well, the conductor came to your house at -" The violinist interrupted in amazement, "The conductor? Came to my house?!"
3995. An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However, none of the trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player suggests they hire in a jazz trumpeter. The conductor screams, "NO, NO, NO!! Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can't play in tune, and are not real musicians!!" Finally, they talk him into it. The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the jazz musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him. But the jazz-man plays the riff perfectly the first time. The conductor tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the cat is gone. The next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with the cat actually playing the entire first trumpet part perfectly. Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal and says, "You know, at first I didn't want to hire you because I thought jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn't play in tune, but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you." The jazz-man says, "Well, cat, I figure it's the least I could do since I can't make the gig!"
3996. One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
3997. This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance. He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing, the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel. An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place. She went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel?" The old man said, "No lady, but if you can hum it, I'll play it!"
3998. A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
3999. Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Melton’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two men out, and the Count was full!