JOKES 2900 TO 2999

2900. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

2901. Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

2902. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

2903. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

2904. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

2905. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

2906. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

2907. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

2908. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

2909. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

2910. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

2911. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unferrtilized.

2912. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

2913. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

2914. Cynic's Approach To Love: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

2915. Q. What did God say after creating Adam A. I must be able to do better than that.

2916. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.

2917. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married.

2918. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2919. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

2920. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

2921. What did the red light say to the green light? Don't look I'm changing!

2922. Damn! every year this birthday cake seems to be getting smaller. Or the alcohol is getting bigger!

2923. I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

2924. What did the bee say to the flower? Hi, honey.

2925. When is a door sweet and tasty?? When its jammed!!!

2926. Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.

2927. Question: Which is the oldest animal in the world? Answer: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.

2928. Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts!

2929. Q: In which room we cannot live? A: Mushroom.

2930. What's the opposite of Dominoes? Domi doesnt know.

2931. Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out? Yes, over there - the same way that you came in!

2932. Q: What is a bee that cant make up his mind? A: A maybe.


2934. What do you call a dear with no eyes? Noeyedear

2935. What has ten letters and starts with gas? Automobile.

2936. What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost!

2937. Why did the mathbook kill himself? Because nobody understood him.

2938. What does a clock do when it's hungry? Goes back 4 seconds!

2939. I will open the door and kick you out of the window!

2940. What do you call a women who lives on the sand? Sandy!

2941. In what country will you not find a vegetarian? Turkey.

2942. Did you hear the story about the giraffe? Forget it its too long.

2943. What animal has 2 legs 2 eyes 2wind can't fly has a peek? It's a dead bird!

2944. Q: Waiter how long will the chips be? A: About five centimeters each, I expect sir.

2945. What did the cow say to the other cow? Nothing because they cant talk.

2946. Q: Why did the motorcycle take a break? A: Because it was "TWO TIRED"!

2947. Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket? A: A big, red bucket.

2948. The road to success is always under CONSTRUCTION!

2949. A horse went into a bar. The barman said..."Why the long face?"

2950. What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk? An animal that stinks and stings!

2951. A man just got out of jail and ran down the road saying, "I'm free I,m free" and this little boy said, "Whow I'm four."

2952. Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now.

2953. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s*x? A: Wait until it's born.

2954. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any..

2955. Q: What do u find in an empty nose? A: Finger prints.

2956. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

2957. Whats the only positive thing about Kenya? HIV.

2958. I don't worry about terrorism, I was married for 12 years !

2959. Q: What do pilots eat? Plane biscuits.

2960. How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.

2961. What is the best organized thing in our world? Crime!

2962. Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

2963. Swine Flu is the only thing left in Mexico that still does its job.

2964. How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris? Don't know...its never been done.

2965. Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

2966. If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

2967. I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say 'you'll be next !' They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !

2968. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

2969. What are Real Madrid fans going to do after they win the "Copa del Rey"? R : Shut down the play-station

2970. Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.


2972. Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps' !

2973. Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

2974. Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'

2975. I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.

2976. Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

2977. Why do women love Hunters the best as lovers? 1. Hunters have the longest and most powerful rifles. 2. Hunters always......shoot twice. 3. Hunters love what they shoot!

2978. Q. What book do you like the most? A. Woman: "My husbands checkbook."

2979. My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that ..

2980. Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.

2981. Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild? A fifty pound note!

2982. I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !

2983. How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "a man once told me".

2984. Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

2985. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

2986. Q: We have only Postmen, but no Post women, why? A: Because, they take 9 months for delivery.

2987. Q: Why did sexy woman cricketer slap commentator? A: Because he said: She is ready for next delivery.

2988. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.

2989. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

2990. What is height of Secrecy? Offering blank visiting cards.

2991. What is height of Forgetfulness? Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

2992. What is height of Suicide? A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

2993. PRINCESS DIANA When you rearrange the letters: END IS A CAR SPIN DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE A DECIMAL POINT : When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

2994. Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

2995. I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth...

2996. What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

2997. Boss asked Gary to buy 2 corner tickets for a movie to watch with his girlfriend. Tim bought 2 corner tickets (ie) A1..............A15!

2998. A British woman had 8 sons all named Jason. Her neighbor asked how she managed to call one in particular! She replied, ‘I call them along with their Father's names’!

2999. Girl: What is the difference between personal and secret? Boy: Dear! You are my lover. That is personal and your sister is also my lover. That is secret.