JOKES - 700 TO 799
700. Judge: “So you claim you robbed that hotel because you were starving? Why didn’t you take something to eat, instead of just stealing all the cash?” Accused: “Because I am a proud man, your Honour, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat!”
701. Lawyer for the defendant: “Now that we have won the case, tell me confidentially; did you steal the money?” Client: Well, after hearing your talk in the court today, I am beginning to think I did not!”
702. Magistrate to the witness: “Have you ever appeared as a witness before?” Witness: “Yes, my lord.” Magistrate: “In what suit?” Witness: “A dark brown suit, my lord!”
703. Attorney: "She had three children, right?" Witness: "Yes." Attorney: "How many were boys?" Witness: "None." Attorney: "Were there any girls!?"
704. Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated!?"
705. Attorney: "Can you describe the individual?" Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Attorney: "Was this a male or a female!?"
706. Attorney: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" Witness: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work!"
707. Attorney: "ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" Witness: "Oral!"
708. Attorney: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?" Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks!"
709. A baker went to the court and lodged a complaint with the judge. He said, “Sir, the 1000 gm ghee which I purchased from the vendor weighs 700 gm only.” The judge called the vendor and ordered him to bring his weights and balance to see that it was correct or not. The vendor said, “Your Honour, I have no weights of my own. I weighed the ghee by using the 1000 gm bread which I had purchased from this baker!”
710. “What is your age?” asked the judge, “Remember you are under oath.” “Twenty-one years and some months”, answered the woman. “How many months?” insisted the judge. “One hundred and four!”
711. “Have you ever appeared as a witness in a suit before?” asked the attorney. “Why, of course!” replied the sweet young thing. “Will you please tell the jury what suit it was?” “It was a blue suit”, she replied quickly “with white collar and cuffs, and buttons all the way down the front!”
712. Judge: “So you say it was just an accident that you shot your husband?” Defendant: “Yes, your honour.” Judge: “How is that?” Defendant: “Well your Honour, he just got in front of my mother-in-law when I aimed at her!”
713. A judge was at lunch one very hot day when a politician paused before his table. “Judge” he said, “I see you’re drinking coffee. That’s a heated drink. In this weather, you want to drink iced drinks. Did you ever try gin and ginger ale?” “No”, said the judge smiling, “but I have tried several fellow who had!”
714. Thief: “My Lord, I need some time to prove my innocence.” Magistrate: “All right, I will give you one year time in prison!”
715. A Judge asked a woman her age. “Thirty” she replied. “You have given that age in this court for the last three years.” “Yes sir, I am not one of those who says one thing today and another thing tomorrow!”
716. A famous lawyer had a new client. “How much do you charge?” said the client. The lawyer replied, “I charge $250 to answer three questions!” “That's expensive, isn't it?” “Yes it is” said the lawyer, “And your third question is!?”
717. What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer will let a case drag on for several months. A good lawyer will make it last even longer!
718. Judge: “Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?” Wife: “Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift!”
719. Judge: “The last time I saw you in the court, I told you that I never ever wanted you to come here again.” Accused: “That’s what I told the police your honor, but they didn’t listen to me!”
720. Judge: “You are accused of driving above speed limits. What will you take, 3000 dollars or 3 days in jail?” Accused: “I will take the money rather!”
721. My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge, “My client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person for a crime committed by a sole limb.” The Judge replied, “Okay - using that logic, the defendant's arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb if he chooses.”
722. I went to my lawyer’s funeral last week and was amazed at the turnout. I asked a man standing at the church, “Do you know who all these people are?” “Yes”, replied the man, “We are all former clients of his.” “That’s nice that you all wished to pay your last respects.” “Not at all” said the man, “We are here to make sure that he's dead!”
723. A drunkard was in court and the judge said, “You have been brought here today for drinking. Do you understand?” The drunkard replied, “Fantastic, when do we start!?”
724. Two friends were at the zoo and one said to the other, “What does your Dad do for work?” “He drives a coach. What about yours?” asked the second boy in return. “He's a lawyer” came the reply. “Honest?” exclaimed the first boy. “No, he's like all the others!” came the reply.
725. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. “I'm a divorce lawyer!”
726. A woman is giving evidence in court. “What were the first words that your husband uttered to you on that morning?” she was asked. “Where am I Doreen?” she replied. “So why did you hit him?” asked the Judge. “Because my name is Deborah!”
727. I went to my solicitor and told him that I wished to make a will but didn't know what to do. He said, “Just leave it all to me.” I was a bit upset by this and replied, “Well, I had intended to leave something to the family as well!”
5 hilarious things that Lawyers should never say: 728. Is it true that you were present until you left the building!? 729. Who was it that got killed in the accident - you or your sister!? 730. When the two cars collided, how far away from each other were they!? 731. Was that the first time that your brother had committed suicide!? 732. When he took your photo, were you present!?
733. A man was giving evidence in a courtroom and was asked by the Judge, “Mr. Jackson, didn't you have a very fancy honeymoon recently?” “Indeed I did, Sir” I replied, “I went to the Caribbean.” “Who went with you!?” asked the Judge.
734. A Doctor giving evidence in a courtroom is asked the question, “Doctor, can you tell the court the number of autopsies that have been performed by you on dead people?” “All of them were dead!” replied the Doctor.
735. A man is in court charged with driving without due care and attention. The prosecuting lawyer asks him, “Can you tell me the gear you were in at the point of impact with the other vehicle.” The man replied, “My best suit as I was on my way to a wedding!”
736. A group of guests in a party were blaming all of America’s problems on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t actually all that bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $2000.” “I don’t believe it,” the host responded. “It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal etc, my bill was $51,000. When the judgment only amounted to $49,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference!”
737. In what way are a lawyer and a boxing referee different? A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight!
738. When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer replied, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I don’t' get a penny. If I do win it, you get no penny!”
739. “I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too concerned about making money.” “Why do you think that?” “Listen to this from his bill: ‘Cost for waking up at night and thinking about your case: $50.99!’
740. Three proud mothers were bragging about the virtues of their children. The First said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of numerous patients.” The second proudly followed, “My son, the scientist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution at all.” “Psh, that is nothing,” replied the third, “my son, the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients even for the time he spends on the golf course!”
741. Lawyer: “Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $600 now and $355.85 a month for the next 48 months.” Client: “I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why does it sound so much like car payments?” Lawyer: “Yeah, you're actually right – mine!”
742. Judge: “You have been sentenced to death; however you can choose the way you want to die.” Accused: “I want to die of old age, your honor!”
743. A man and his wife filed an application for divorce. Judge asked: “How will you divide, you have 3 children?” The man replied: “Ok! We’ll apply NEXT YEAR!”
744. The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board. When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'!"
745. There was a Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer on a train. The Russian started the conversation with, "Mother Russia has the best vodka ever and we have so much we can just throw it away." So the Russian throws a bottle out the window. Then the Cuban speaks up, "Cuba has the best cigars and we have so much we could throw them away." So the Cuban throws some cigars out the window. Well, the American doesn’t say a single thing but gets up and walks over to the lawyer and throws him out the window!
746. A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd!"
747. One day a guy found a genie lamp and rubbed and POOF!, the genie popped out. The genie said that he would give the guy three wishes but that he was a lawyer’s genie and whatever he got every lawyer got double. First he wished for 10 million dollars POOF! he has ten million dollars but every lawyer in the world gets 20 million! Second he wishes little world peace POOF! he has it. Every lawyer in the world gets Utopia! Third and last he wished to donate a kidney. Every lawyer in the world donated both of there kidneys!
748. You are sitting on a bench reading a newspaper while eating a sandwich when you notice that there are 5 lawyers drowning and there is time only to save 3. What do you do? Finish you sandwich or read your newspaper?!
749. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off the cliff. There were no survivors. Bad News: There was an empty row of seats on the bus!
750. Scientists stopped using mice for experiments and started using lawyers. Turns out its quite easy to get attached to a rodent!
751. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity!" The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?!" he asked.
752. Have you heard that they are now using lawyers instead of animals for experimentation...they found out there are some things even a rat wouldn't do!
753. One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you." The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall!"
754. A man who drives big-rigs for a living takes up a hobby to entertain himself; when ever he sees a lawyer on the side of the road he swerves and hits him. Well, one day he is driving along and he sees a preacher and he pulls over to give him a ride. On the way, he sees a lawyer out of the corner of his eye and swerves to hit him, at the last second he thinks, "Oh god! there is a preacher in the cab!" and pulls back on the road he hears a thump looks in the rear view mirror and there is nothing. He turns to the preacher and says, "I’m sorry, father I almost hit that lawyer." The preacher turns and says, "That’s ok I got him with the door!"
755. Two lawyers and their boss go out for lunch and run into a genie. "If you all give me five dollars each, I'll grant you one wish." The genie sighed. All three lawyers debated and gave the genie fifteen dollars total. The first one goes, "I would like to go to Paradise and never come back." He was gone. "Wow, that was some serious shit" said the other two. The second lawyer goes and wishes for a beautiful wife and unlimited money in Paradise. The boss looks at his watch and says to the genie, "I want them both back by 3:30!"
756. For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well" she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"
757. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?!”
758. An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy, when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the Landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied, "We want to go to America and fall down on Sidewalks!"
759. A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all" says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry" says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?!"
760. A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court. His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count. Flushed with victor, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, "Justice has triumphed!" A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, "Appeal at once!"
761. A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble; I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's
the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow..!
762. A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time, the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it!"
763. A man goes to his lawyer and says, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says, "Don't worry, leave it all to me." The man looks somewhat upset, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
764. A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
765. Question: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? Answer: Lipstick!
766. Question: What's the difference between a dead coyote in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Answer: There are skid marks in front of the coyote!
767. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? Answer: A vampire only sucks blood at night!
768. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? Answer: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish!
769. Question: What's the difference between God and a lawyer? Answer: God doesn't think he's a lawyer!
770. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Answer1: A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points. Answer2: The vulture eventually lets go. Answer3: Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out!
771. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? Answer: A tick drops off you when you die!
772. Question: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Answer: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth!
773. Question: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? Answer: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance!
774. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole? Answer: None, except that nobody runs over the same pothole twice!
775. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? Answer: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside!
776. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? Answer: The lawyer charges more!
777. My son (age 6) is seriously into a set of superheroes called X-Men. It seems that one of the characters caught his interest the other day and he wanted me to explain if the guy was a good guy or a bad guy. "Well Son, he's a little of both,” I said. "He's a mercenary." ”What's a mercenary?” he asked. "That's someone who will fight anyone if someone pays him enough" I answered. Then my daughter (age 9), trying to put it into perspective for my son, said, "What Dad is saying is he's just like a lawyer!"
778. A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300!
779. As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000!"
780. Two friends enter a marathon. After they had been running for a while, they were passed by a tall, muscular man. "I know that guy" the first said. "He's a construction worker." A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "That fellow's a doctor." Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur. "Who was that?" asked the second friend. "Him?" the first answered. "He's a lawyer!"
781. An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!"
782. A physician, an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes" he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?!"
783. A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says, “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.” The doctor says, “It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.” The mathematician says, “You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.”
784. At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings!"
785. A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign: Special Offer - Brains Cow brains ------ a penny a pound Sheep brains ------ 2 pounds a pound Pig brains -------- 2 pounds a pound Doctor brains ------ 50 pounds a pound Engineer brains ------- 50 pounds a pound Programmer brains -------50 pounds a pound Lawyer brains ------ 1000 pounds a pound He goes into the shop and says to the butcher "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your sign - I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare?" "That's right" says the butcher. "And" continues the man, "I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because they're such high quality?" "Not at all" says the butcher "do you know how many lawyers you got to kill to get a pound of brain?!"
786. Question: What is 1 + 2? Politician: “Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.” Physicist: “I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.” Lawyer: “It makes one and a half each.!”
787. A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist, an accountant, an engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answers immediately, "Four." The economist thinks for several minutes and finally answers, "Four, plus or minus one." The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer stands up, pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and motions silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replies, "How much do you want it to be?!"
788. Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon, “When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.” The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded.” The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their behind are interchangeable!"
789. When you're about to be sentenced for tax fraud, don't send your date to plead for leniency! Don't get upset when hardened criminals know your lawyer on a first-name basis! After spending $100 an hour on a lawyer, don't expect a good night kiss! When you wake up in the morning and see your lawyer standing naked in the shower, you know it's going to be a rotten day!
790. A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist - $10 Braised Reporter - $12 Fried Diplomat - $15 Barbecued Lawyer - $110 A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand!"
791. Lots of things go on during "spring break" as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a judge. "I plead not guilty, Your Honor. I only went there to get relieved" he testified. "Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the judge. "I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies'." "That's true to a point, Your Honor," said the arresting officer. "But what about this young lady here who relieved him?!"
792. It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. "The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor. "I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that." "Would it help to just write it down?" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff." "But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
793. Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?' Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.' 'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires. Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
794. Gary was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. “They should not put up such misleading notices,” said Gary. It said, “Fine For Parking Here.”
795. Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window. Accused: I did it without thinking, your Honor. Judge: Thats no excuse! Don’t you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?
796. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said, “Here lies a lawyer an honest man.”
797. A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil’s hands. “You will be spending eternity here, but I’ll let you pick your own room from three I’ll show you,” the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. “I don’t like that,” said the man. “Show me the second.” In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. “Well, that’s better than brick,” the man said, “but show me the third.” In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. “I’ll choose this room,” he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, “OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads.”
798. A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”! The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?” POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house. LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?” POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.” LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?” POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge. LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?” POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.” LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?” POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.” LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?” POLE: “She going to kill me!” LAWYER: “What makes you think that?” POLE: “I got proof.” LAWYER: “What kind of proof?” POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”
799. Lawyer asked to the Lady, “How was your first marriage terminated?” The lady replied, “By death.” Lawyer asked again, “Well, by whose death was it terminated?” Lady replied, “Non-sense.!!” The lawyer asked again, “At least try to guess it.”