Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Prince Charles and, as the day wore on, they became increasingly tight around her feet. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their honeymoon suite, she fopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!” The Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. “Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder!” Charles yelled back, “I’m trying, my darling! But it’s just so blooming tight!” “Come on, my prince! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.Finally the shoe was released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, “Oh God, that feels so good!” In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip, “See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!” Meanwhile, Charles was working hard to remove Camilla’s other shoe. “Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one’s even tighter!” Prince Philip said to the Queen: “That’s my boy. Once a navy man, always a navy man!”
The royal family is out for a drive in the Rolls Royce when they are fagged down by a highwayman. Prince Philip tells the Queen, “Quick, hide all the jewels in your snatch.” The highwayman pokes his head in the window and seeing no valuables, tells everyone to get out of the car and drives away. Standing beside the road, the Queen turns to Philip and says, “That was quick thinking. At least we saved one’s jewellery.” “What a pity Camilla hadn’t been here,” says Philip. “We could have saved the Roller.”
The Queen was being shown around her new hospital by the matron. In the first room in the ward she sees a man furiously masturbating in bed. “Good grief!” says the Queen. “Why is one masturbating in bed?” “Well,” the matron explains, “that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn’t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode.” “Oh, I see. That poor man,” says the Queen. Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse. Clearly shocked, the Queen gathers herself and says: “This is terrible, what’s one’s explanation for this?” “He has exactly the same condition as the man in the other ward,” replies the matron. “Fortunately, however, he has private medical insurance.”
What did Princess Diana and the Queen Mother have in common? They both died pushing 102.
Camilla Parker-Bowles goes to see the doctor. “Doctor, whenever I swallow Charles’ semen, I get heartburn and indigestion.” “I see,” said the doctor. “Have you tried Andrew’s?”
What was the difference between the Queen Mother and the London Underground? The Underground got an extension for the Jubilee.
I read in the newspaper that since the death of Princess Diana, on average Camilla receives two human turds in the post every day. What I want to know is who is sending the other one? Prince Charles was visiting Stoke-onTrent and all the civic dignitaries were lined up at Stoke station ready for the royal train to arrive. As the train came to a standstill the door to the royal carriage opened and out stepped the prince, who appeared to be wearing a piece of red carpet on his head. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a genuine fox-fur hat. The lord mayor of Stoke-on-Trent stepped forward and whispered in the prince’s ear, “Sir, it is one of the hottest days of the year. I know your views about hunting and all that, but it’s hardly politically correct, is it? I mean, wearing a fox-fur hat on a hot day?” “Oh, this old thing,” Charles indicated his hat, “this was daddy’s idea.” “Daddy’s idea?” said the lord mayor incredulously. “You mean the Duke of Edinburgh told you to wear it?” “Oh yes,” replied Charles, “you see, he asked me where I was off to today, and when I told him I was going to Stoke-onTrent, he said ‘Stoke-on-Trent? Wear the fox hat!’”
Why won’t the Post Offce issue stamps with a picture of Camilla on them? Because people won’t know which side to spit on.
The Queen and Prince Philip were dining out in one of London’s fnest restaurants. The waiter comes over and asks what Philip would like to order. “I’ll have two rare steaks.” The waiter says, “Does sir mean two bloody steaks?” Philip replies, “Yes, quite right, two bloody steaks.” To which the Queen adds, “And make sure there are plenty of fucking chips.”
What takes at least three strokes before it gets stiff? Princess Margaret.
Prince Charles was driving around Sandringham when he heard a soft “thud”. He got out his Range Rover to discover that he had accidentally run over his mother’s favourite Corgi, crushing it to a bloody pulp. Charles sat down on the grass and put his head in his hands – one’s mother was going to go ballistic! Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. “You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,” said the genie. “Due to the credit crunch, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So . . . what’ll it be?” “What a terrifc stroke of luck,” said Charles. “The thing is, one pretty much already has all the material things in life, but let me show you this dog.” They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. “Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” the Prince asked. The genie examined the crushed remains and shook his head. “This dog is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else I can do for you?” Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. “I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana who everyone loved and adored,” said Prince Charles, showing the genie the frist photo. “But she died and now I’m married to this horse-faced old harridan called Camilla whom absolutely no one likes,” and he showed the genie the second photo. “You see, Camilla isn’t beautiful or popular at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful and well liked as Diana?” The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let’s have another look at the Corgi.”
