At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I cant remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself? You sure did, replied his wife. You put your hand up the skirt of your boss's wife and told your boss to piss off. Shit! What happened? He sacked you. Well, fuck him, the bastard. I did, replied the wife, and you've got your job back.

Every weekend, her husband would be out playing football with his local team and while he was away, Gloria would entertain her lover. However, disaster struck one afternoon when the pitch was so waterlogged that the husband came back early. Quick, whispered the wife, crouch down behind the sofa, its too late to get away. Unfortunately, the husband settled himself down and didn't look as if he was going to move. Bugger this, muttered the lover to himself, and he stood up wearing only jockey shorts and a vest saying, as he walked out of the door, Bloody weather, cant see a thing, you didn't see which way the cross country runners went?

...

Three women met up for tea and couldn't help but boast about their husbands. Well of course, my husband is now a high court judge. It was expected. Hes had a brilliant career, said the first. My Gerald runs the Foreign Office, said the second. Now my husband, Martell Wait a minute, interrupted the first lady, isn't Martell a liquor? The third lady was amazed. How did you know, have you met him?


Yesterday I answered the door and standing there was a beautiful young man who asked me if Ben was in. When I told him he wasn't, he took me by the hand, led me upstairs, put me on the bed and made love to me all morning. My, he was a big boy! Then yesterday, he came round again, asked if Ben was in and when I said no, he took me back up to the bedroom and had me in 3 different positions for more than 3 hours. He never seems to get tired! Then, would you believe it, he comes back again this morning, asks for Ben and when I tell him Ben is at work, he carries me up to the bedroom and takes me time and time again. Julie, I cant believe how wonderful its been. One thing that puzzles me though why does he want to see Ben?

...

Two neighbours are chatting over the garden wall. When my husband comes home from work tonight, hell probably bring me a huge bunch of flowers. Oh isn't that nice, you are lucky. No, not really. Hell expect me to take all my clothes off and be on the floor with my legs in the air. Oh dear, whys that? Haven't you got any vases?

The marriage was going through a rocky patch; even though Christmas was approaching, there was very little goodwill. Why you old skinflint, exclaimed Doris. You haven't even bought me a present. Why should I, Bob retorted. I bought you a plot in the cemetery last year and you still haven't used it!

Hello Mrs Palmer, 'Im your husbands boss and I'm just calling to say hell be late home tonight. Eager to keep her husbands boss happy, the wife invites him in for a coffee but when he starts to suggest they go upstairs she quickly refuses. Come on says the boss, I can show you a good time and Ill even give you £300 for the pleasure. They were short of money so the wife agrees and the deed is done. Later that night, the husband returns home and asks his wife if she has had any visitors. Just your boss to tell me you'd be late home she replies. Oh good, he says, and did he drop off my wage packet?

...

A husband and wife booked into an hotel only to find their room had two single beds. In the middle of the night, the husband whispered over, Oh darling, sweetheart, how about coming over here so I can make love to my beautiful wife. The wife slipped out of bed, but as she crept over to him, she knocked the bedside table and upset a glass of water. Never mind, darling, he cooed, its not your fault, its just too dark in here. After a passionate session, the wife returned to her own bed but on the way back she hit the bedside table again and knocked over the lamp. Watch out, you stupid bitch, you're so bloody clumsy, he yelled.

A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife, Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you, Then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us. Whatever you say, replies his wife. By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little bum.

Coming home from work earlier than planned, the husband found his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable, he immediately dropped his trousers and took her from behind. After it was finished, he gave her a sharp smack on the bum. What the bloody hell was that for? she raged. That was because you didn't look round to see who it was, he exclaimed.

A woman was so desperate for a husband, she advertised for one in the local newspaper. The next day, she got over 500 replies from women saying, You can have mine.

A man sat at the end of the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer. You don't look so good, Bob. Whats wrong? asked the barman. Its the bloody wife, he moaned. She makes my life so miserable, nag, nag, nag, all the time. Well, Ive got a bit of advice, offered the barman. There was a fellow in here not long ago who had the same problem and he was told that if he made love to his wife for five hours every night, she wouldn't be able to take the strain and within two months, shed be dead. Was she? asked Bob, with interest. You bet she was, replied the barman. So Bob went home and for the next six weeks he made love to his wife every night for five hours. One evening, he staggered into the bar looking 10 years older and completely knackered. Hows it going? asked the barman, looking concerned. Well, the wife may be smiling a lot more and enjoying life to the full, but I console myself with the knowledge that shes only got two more weeks to live.

Are you happy, darling? asks the man after six months of marriage. Of course, I'm very happy, she replies. But there is something that bothers you, isn't there? he persists. Well its just that you're always picking your nose and you're always on top when we make love. Let me explain, he says. When I was growing up, my father used to say to me quite often, Whatever you do, keep your nose clean and don't fuck up.

The couple had been married for many years and all romance had gone out of their marriage. One day, as his wife was getting ready for bed, he grabbed her boobs and her bum, saying, If these were firmer you wouldn't need so much scaffolding! The wife was very upset and the next day when the husband stripped off to have a shower, she grabbed hold of his todger and said, If this was firmer, I wouldn't need the man next door.


Mrs Smith, I have some very bad news for you, concerning your husband, We've had the tests back and it shows that he has only hours to live. I'm afraid hell probably be dead by tomorrow morning. The poor woman goes home in a terrible state of shock but she is determined to make his last few hours the best hes ever had. That night, she suggests they go upstairs early and wearing her most sexiest nightie, she lures him into bed and makes love to him like hes never experienced before. After 2 hours, they lay back exhausted and fall asleep. But half an hour later, the husband wakes up, nudges his wife and tells her it was so wonderful, can they do it again. Now this happens all night long until the poor wife hardly has the strength to move. As dawn breaks, he whispers yet again, Just once more, darling, please, and in a sudden flash of anger she replies, Its alright for you. You don't have to get up in the morning.


The poor insignificant little man was confronted by his overpowering wife as he got ready for bed. If you can guess what Ive got behind my back, Ill reward you with a night of passion, she bellowed. Paling at the thought, he replied, A double decker bus. Not quite, she laughed, but it'll do.

As the motorcyclist drew up to the traffic lights, a car screeched to a halt and a man jumped out and ran up to him. For goodness sake man, didn't you realise your wife had fallen off when you took that sharp bend a mile back? Oh thanks, mate, replied the happy motorcyclist. For a moment I thought I'd gone deaf.

A lively young girl married a shy retiring man and after one week of marriage he came home from work looking very puzzled. When I got to the office this morning I found a pencil tied to my penis. That's right, my love, she replied. I decided that if you couldn't come at least you could write.


A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife's legs and fondled her. Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. What are you doing that for? asked her husband. Well, after what you've just done, I thought you were keen for some sex. Oh no, not at all, he replied. Then why were you playing with my pussy? I couldn't turn the pages of my book, he said.

A woman comes home to find her husband crying his eyes out. My goodness, whats wrong? she asks. He looks up at her and says, Do you remember 15 years ago when I got you pregnant? Your father was so flamin angry he said I had to marry you or go to jail? Yes, I remember, she replies, but why are you thinking of that now? Well, today is the day I would have been released!

A couple are having marital problems and go along to see the marriage counsellor. Eternal triangle problem, is it? asked the counsellor. Dont worry, we can solve that. Why! it even happened to my marriage once. Really, replied the couple, what did you do? We ate the sheep.

My wife should be a goalie, shed be the best, said one man to his friend. Whys that? I haven't scored for months.


A middle-aged man and a young girl had just got married and were now in the honeymoon suite. The man took his trousers off, handed them to his new wife and said, Here, put these on. Puzzled, the girl replied, But these wont fit me. That's right, he said. I just wanted to be sure that you knew who would be wearing the trousers in this marriage. Oh really! she sneered, as she took off her knickers and threw them at him. Put these on, she said. Don't be silly, I cant get into these. She replied, Too bloody right you cant and you never will if you start spouting those old fashioned ideas at me.


The starry-eyed young man was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancée. Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, I cant believe you really want to marry her, you must know shes been fucked by every man in town. The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, Okay, but this isn't really such a big town.


A woman went to her vicar to seek advice on her forthcoming wedding. This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him that she was still a virgin. But how can that be? exclaimed the vicar. You've already had two husbands. That's true, but my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it, my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look. But this time I'm sure it will be different. This time Im marrying a lawyer so I'm sure to get screwed.


The two young lovers are in the back of the car parked in a quiet country lane. Julie, asks the man, how about giving me some oral sex? Oh no, she replies forcefully, if I do that you'll never respect me again. A year goes by and during that time he asks her for oral sex on a number of occasions but she always refuses. Eventually they get married and on the honeymoon night he asks her again for oral sex but she replies, No, I know you'll never respect me again. Many years go by and the couple are now in their fifties. One day in bed the man turns to his wife and says, Julie, after all these years of happily married life, a beautiful house, big car and two successful children, do you think we could have some oral sex? You know I will always respect you. So at last the wife gives in and sometime later as they're relaxing in bed, the front doorbell chimes. He turns to her and says, Hey cocksucker, answer that.



The milkman delivers the milk the day before Christmas and rings the bell of number 11, hoping for a festive tip. As the door opens, he sees a beautiful woman standing there wearing a see-through nightie. She takes him by the hand and guides him upstairs where she makes mad passionate love to him. At the end of the session, they return downstairs where she cooks a delicious fried breakfast and hands him £1. I don't understand says the puzzled milkman. Whats going on? She replies, When I asked my husband whether I should give you a £5 tip, he replied, Fuck the milkman and give him £1. The breakfast was my idea.


You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence? Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead, shed been like that for years.


Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a days fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider. Can I have some, Grandpa? asks the boy. I tell you what, son, replies Grandpa. Can your willy touch your backside? No, Grandpa. Then you cant have any cider. Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes. Can I have one, Grandpa? Grandpa replies, Can your willy touch your backside? No. Then its no to a cigarette. On the way home, they pass a newsagents and each of them buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins £2,000. Are you going to share some of your winnings with me, son? asks Grandpa. The boy replies, I tell you what, can your willy touch your backside? It sure can, replies Grandpa confidently. Then go fuck yourself.


Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making a baby. The little boy said, Well, can you turn mummy over, Id much rather have a puppy.


It was cold and pouring with rain but the boys mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. How dare you! she fumed. For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs. Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, Are you going to tell him or shall I?


Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight? Sshh John, don't talk like that in front of the children. Lets use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, How about turning the washing machine on. A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said, Shall I put the washing machine on tonight? Don't bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by hand


Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried, said the anxious man. Both my wife and I have black hair, but our sons just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on? Not necessarily, replied the doctor. How many times do you have sex? About 5 times a year. Well, there's your answer then, you're just a little rusty.


The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband. Darling, its a miracle, the doctor says Im pregnant, isn't that wonderful? You're going to be a father. Thats great replied the husband. By the way, who is this?


a husband who returns home earlier than usual from work and finds his wife in bed with another man. The surprised wife exclaims: “Why have you come back early?” The husband furiously snaps back: “What are you doing in bed with another man?” The wife calmly replies: “I asked you first—don’t try to wiggle out of it by changing the subject!”


Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a days fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider. Can I have some, Grandpa? asks the boy. I tell you what, son, replies Grandpa. Can your willy touch your backside? No, Grandpa. Then you cant have any cider. Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes. Can I have one, Grandpa? Grandpa replies, Can your willy touch your backside? No. Then its no to a cigarette. On the way home, they pass a newsagents and each of them buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins £2,000. Are you going to share some of your winnings with me, son? asks Grandpa. The boy replies, I tell you what, can your willy touch your backside? It sure can, replies Grandpa confidently. Then go fuck yourself.


The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband. Darling, its a miracle, the doctor says I'm pregnant, isn't that wonderful? You're going to be a father. That's great replied the husband. By the way, who is this?



Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon's first night in the same hotel. The next morning all three of the women meet in the hall and decide to have a little breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night, although one of them claims she won't be eating anything. The first starts enthusiastic, "Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!" The second bride, not surprised at all, proudly takes her turn at once, "Mhuh... my husband put his whole arm inside me!" Then, both women look at the third one who, although moving very clumsily, stares at them with ambiguous satisfaction in her whole body, looks down on her hip and cries out to it, "Hey John, come out and say hello to Sarah and Pam!"


A young, fat, streetsmart, brunette married a skinny rich Texas oil tycoon. Two months later he asked her to bend over so he could inspect her land line. Needless to say, she was very cautious and apprehensive about flipping over and being inspected, but she did it anyways. “Looks like a winner!” The Texas tycoon said. The Woman quickly turned around and replied, “Your not using that tiny piledriver. Are you?”


Storming into his lawyer's office, the Texas oil tycoon demanded that some divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!



It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds.


A man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife, and after walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the bar. He sees a good friend of his sitting at the bar, so he goes over to him and says, " I will buy you a drink if you can give me some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas." His friend replies, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a great vibrator. Worked for me!” The man wasn’t sure what to think of his friends extraordinary idea and looked at him with a quizzical gaze in his eye. His friend explains that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.


A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible. "Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage." "The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day." "The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."


A kid comes and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand " pussy and bitch". She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

I call my dog mine Sex. Now, Sex has been embarrassing to me. When at City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. The psychiatrist asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."


A man gets home from work and says to his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” So she brings him a beer and he drinks it. “Get me another beer before it starts,” he shouts. So she brings him another beer and he downs that one as well. “Get me another fucking beer before it starts,” he shouts at her again. “Listen here, you lazy fat bastard,” she shouts at him, “you walk in here, sit down and start barking out orders.” “Fucking hell! It’s started already!”


A woman was in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walked in. She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.” His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all - right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks”, and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, “Hang on . . . what was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”


How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.


After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs. “God, I look old, fat and ugly.” She implores her husband; “Pay me a compliment, dear.” Her husband replies, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”


A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, “I have a headache.” “Perfect,” replies her husband. “I was in the bathroom just now powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository; you choose.”


Who is the bravest man in the world? The guy who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and reeking of perfume, then slaps his wife on the arse and says: “You’re next, fatty.”


My wife somehow got a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up her arse. I phoned the hospital to see how she was doing. They told me she was picking up nicely.


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to London. I read that prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on £800 a year.”


This day holds painful memories for me because it was on this day two years ago that I lost my darling wife and two children. I’ll never forget that game of cards.


I said to my wife last night: “Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?” “Okay,” she replied. “You stand by the ironing board and I’ll lie on the sofa and watch TV.”


I said to my wife the other night: “I’m going down the pub, get your coat.” “That’s nice, it’s about time you took me out for a drink,” she said. “Not fucking likely,” I said. “I’m turning the central heating off.”


After fifty years of marriage, my wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. If anyone knows a better way of getting dog shit off your trainers, I’m all ears.


A woman says to her husband, “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” He replies, “You’ve got a tighter cunt than your sister.”


My wife dresses to kill. Coincidentally, she also cooks the same way.


A married couple are in bed one morning. “I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for £100 each and thick dicks were going for £200.” “Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?” “They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife. “That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for £500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.” “How about mine?” asks the wife. “That’s where they were holding the auction.”


I met my wife at a singles bar. Strange – I thought she was at home looking after the kids.


Wife: “Why don’t you ever call out my name when we’re making love?” Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake you.”


An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are comparing their love lives. The Englishman says, “Before we make love, my wife and I drink a glass of wine. Then, after several hours of energetic sex, my wife tells me that she feels like she’s floating a foot off the bed.” The Scot says, “Before we make love, me and the wife have a shot of whisky. Then, after hours of sex, she tells me that she feels like she floating three feet above the bed.” The Irishman says, “Before having sex, I get completely pissed. I fuck my wife for five minutes, wipe my cock on her nightie, burp in her face and fall asleep. She hits the fucking roof!”


My wife said to me, “I need more space.” So I extended the kitchen.


My wife spends a lot of time on eBay. I still haven’t had a single bid for her.


A man took his wife to the county show. Among the exhibits were several breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that read, “This bull mated fifty times last year.” The wife nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See that? He mated fifty times last year.” They walked a little further and saw another pen, with a sign that read, “This bull mated 100 times last year.” The wife hit her husband and said, “See that? That’s more than twice a week. You could learn something from that bull.” They walked a bit further and came across another, with a sign saying, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife hit him really hard and said: “See that? That’s once a day. You could really learn something from this one.” The husband replied, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”


I was banging the wife last night and I asked her if she wouldn’t mind moaning a bit just to get me in the mood. She replied: “When the fuck is this ceiling going to get painted?”


I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday. She said she wanted one of those big-screen TVs. So I moved her chair closer to the one we already have.


My wife makes love like a chess player. Every twenty minutes, she moves.



A married man keeps telling his wife “Darling, you have such a beautiful bum.” In fact, all of his friends and everyone in the neighbourhood agrees that she does indeed have a very beautiful bum. As her husband’s birthday is coming up, she decides to celebrate her perfect rear by taking a trip to the tattoo parlour and having the words “Beautiful bum” tattooed on her perfect rear. She walks into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that her husband thinks she has a beautiful bum. The tattooist can’t help but agree. “You do indeed have a beautiful bum” he tells her. She then explains she wants the words “Beautiful bum” tattooed on her arse. The tattooist tells her: “I’m afraid I can’t fit that on your arse, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and you and your husband will know that it stands for ‘beautiful bum’.” She agrees and has the work done. On her husband’s birthday she decided to surprise him as he comes home from work. She stands at the top of the stairs wearing only a robe. When her husband opens the door, she says, “Look, honey.” She then takes off the robe and bends over. Her husband yells “WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?”


A wife took her clothes off and asks her husband: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” He looks her up and down and replies, “Your sense of humour.”


What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.


Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.


The Four Secrets of a Happy Marriage

1 It is important that you find a woman who can cook and clean.

2 It is important that you find a woman who is financially independent.

3 It is important to find a woman who is good in bed

4 It is important that these three women never meet.


A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. “What’s that for?” asks his wife “It’s for your headache,” replies her husband. “I don’t have a headache!” “Gotcha! Fancy a fuck then?”


Who says men can’t multi-task? I can shag my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time.


My wife and I do it doggy style for at least half an hour every time. Or four minutes human time.


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s for his check-up. Afterwards, the doctor called the wife into his office. He said, “I need to speak to you alone. Unfortunately your husband is suffering from a very severe stress-related illness. If you don’t follow this strict regimen, your husband will certainly die. Each morning, fx him a healthy breakfast. Be nice to him and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.” The doctor continued: “Whatever you do, don’t burden him with household chores because this could stress him. Try not to discuss your problems with him – that will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. “Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next nine months to a year I think there is an excellent chance that your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?” “You’re going to die.”

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother


Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two." Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.


What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.


Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.


A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."


A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"


A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck you too."


A married couple spent many years in bed, in the park and even the dressing room at the shopping mall clothing store. Finally their sex life became dull and drab. They simply ran out of Ideas. The husband began shopping at the Adult book store and found some toys to spice things up. “What do you have here?” The wife asked. Well, I bought you a 10 inch dildo and me a dime sized hairy pussy pumper. She smiled in total excitement. Snatching the dildo from his hand she began ridding the toy like it was a carnival ride. She was so happy with her new toy that he told her were he bought it. He enjoyed his toy also. The husband made more visits to the sex shop, but never came home with anything. Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


A man marries a young naive country girl and on their wedding night, he shows her his tackle and tells her hes the only man to have such a thing. Times goes by and after a couple of months, theyre in bed one morning when she grabs his willy and remarks, You were fibbing when you told me you were the only man to have one of these, Ive discovered that Mr Biggun across the road has one as well. The husband thinks quickly and replies, Oh yes, that was a spare one I had, so I gave it to him., Oh darling, she sighs. Why did you give him the best one?


It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered. My goodness, said the waitress. You don't look so good, but aren't you the bride with the older husband? Yes I am, he's 75, but Ive discovered hes pulled a dreadful trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years, I thought he was talking about money.


Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon. One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results. Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times said Geoff at breakfast time. What about you? John replied, 34 times. What!! exclaimed Geoff. OK, double or nothing, lets see what happens tonight. The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. 7 times, he said to John. John laughed. You lose again, 48 times for me. Well that's unbelievable, how do you manage it? Listen, Ill show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That's one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That's two


A man sat at the end of the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer. You don t look so good, Bob. What s wrong? asked the barman. It s the bloody wife, he moaned. She makes my life so miserable, nag, nag, nag, all the time. Well, I ve got a bit of advice, offered the barman. There was a fellow in here not long ago who had the same problem and he was told that if he made love to his wife for five hours every night, she wouldn't be able to take the strain and within two months, she'd be dead. Was she? asked Bob, with interest. You bet she was, replied the barman. So Bob went home and for the next six weeks he made love to his wife every night for five hours. One evening, he staggered into the bar looking 10 years older and completely knackered. How s it going? asked the barman, looking concerned. Well, the wife may be smiling a lot more and enjoying life to the full, but I console myself with the knowledge that she's only got two more weeks to live.


Two old men sitting on a park bench were talking as they were watching quite a few sexy female joggers pass by. "So, how's your sex life?" one asked. "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." The other commented. "Social Security sex?" The first man asked in concern. "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover it, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife a few days before he made any decision. The man talked to his wife when he arrived at home and explained their options. He went back to the hospital and the doctor came into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replied, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'


My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

A man told his wife that he bought her a great, big, juicy, mail-order dildo. She asked, “How long til it cums?”


An elderly woman moves into a nursing home. Her daughter helps her unpack and get settled in. After a few days, the woman notices a male resident who sits out on the porch every day, all by himself. She decides to go over and talk to him. She asks if she can sit with him awhile. He looks at her for a second and says, "Yeah, you can, but only if you'll hold my dick." At first she's horrified and outraged. But then she thinks, "He's lonely, I'm lonely..." Finally, she agrees. She gets a blanket to put over their laps and she sits next to him every day, holding his dick. After a few weeks, her daughter comes to take her mother for a weekend visit. When the woman returns to the nursing home, the first thing she sees is the man on the porch next to another elderly woman. They have a blanket across their laps. The first woman knows what the second woman is doing. She storms up the steps and starts yelling at the man."What does SHE have that I don't have?!" she screams. The man just smiles and says, "Parkinson's."


An old man's wife is in coma at the hospital, and one day the doctor walks in to change her IV bag. While doing so, he accidentally grazes dreamingly at her breast and she moans. Happily, the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. The husband franticly runs in the room and quickly pulls out her choppers and starts performing oral sex on her, but he comes back out 20 minutes later, very sad looking. "Well... what happened," the doctor asks. "She's dead," the husband starts crying. "Why?" the doctor says. "She choked."

Did you hear about the man who had I love you tattooed on his dick? That night in bed, he turned to his wife and said, What do you think of this, Sal? There you go, she exclaimed, always trying to put words in my mouth.


Pam is at the end of her tether. Her husband is out of work and all he does is sit or lie in front of the TV drinking beer. One day, the washing machine breaks down and she asks him to take a look at it. Leave it out, he says. Who do you think I am, a washing machine expert? As luck would have it, later on in the day the vacuum cleaner packs up and again she asks him if he would have a look at it. Don't be daft, woman, do I look like an electrician? Now leave me in peace. And because things always come in threes, next morning the back door gets stuck and wont open. Feeling very fed up, she confronts her idle husband and tells him about the door. Bugger off, he replies, do I look like a chippie? That's it. Shes had enough. She gets three different tradesmen in and all is repaired. In the evening, when she tells her husband about the repairs, he asks her how much the damn thing is going to cost. Well, they told me I could either pay by baking a cake or having sex, she replies. So what cake did you bake? Don't be silly, she says scornfully. Do I look like Mrs Beeton?

Its late at night and the husband and wife are in bed. Shes just about to fall asleep when he whispers in her ear. How about a little loving then? Oh no, she replies. I have to see the gynaecologist tomorrow so I don't want any foreign bodies. A couple of minutes go by and he nudges her again, saying, You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?


A man marries a young naive country girl and on their wedding night, he shows her his tackle and tells her hes the only man to have such a thing. Times goes by and after a couple of months, they're in bed one morning when she grabs his willy and remarks, You were fibbing when you told me you were the only man to have one of these, Ive discovered that Mr Biggun across the road has one as well. The husband thinks quickly and replies, Oh yes, that was a spare one I had, so I gave it to him., Oh darling, she sighs. Why did you give him the best one?

The bride was in floods of tears. Only an hour before her wedding and the heel had broken on her new shoes. Don't worry, said the bridesmaid. Ive got a pair of white shoes, they may be a bit small but I think you'll be able to put up with them for a short while. So the wedding went ahead without mishap and afterwards at the reception there was much merrymaking. However, by the end of the evening, Megans feet were in agony and she couldn't wait to get upstairs to their honeymoon suite to get the shoes off. Unbeknown to the happy couple, some of the guests, including the parents, followed them upstairs to listen outside the door. For a few minutes they giggled as they heard the sound of huffing and puffing and groaning and then the bridegroom was heard to say, My goodness Megan, that was tight. There! whispered her mother. I told you she was a virgin. But then they all got quite a surprise when they heard him say, Okay, now for the other one. Again, there was the sound of groaning and panting until the bridegroom spoke again. Blimey, that was even tighter. Good lad, whispered his father. Once a sailor, always a sailor.


After a wonderful honeymoon night, the new husband wakes to find his wife in tears. Darling, whats wrong? Was it too much for you last night? Oh no, no, sobbed the wife, but look at it this morning, I fear we've used it all up.