JOKES 2100 TO 2199
. An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
2101. A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
2102. A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. "My head's spinning," the
engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteendimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
2103. An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
2104. Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up the stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"
2105. A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits) The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
2106. There is the chief and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men: "Does this look like sh*t to you?" "Yes is does", they replied. "Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief. "Mmmmm..Yes" "Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief. "Mmmmm..Yes" "Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief. "Ammmm...Yes" "Good. Don't step on it!"
2107. A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said, "Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big." He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said,
"Wooww Texas mugs are really big." Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right." But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!!!"
2108. Guy: Wanna go hunting? Guy's friend:Sure. G:It's the forest just outside my house. *Later in the day* GF:Hey man your wife's cheatin' on you. G:God dammit. Shoot him in the d*ck and her in the head. GF: Wow I can do that in one shot!
2109. A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women. His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them. Great says his mate, what is it! Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
2110. This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
2111. Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
2112. What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man? Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
2113. This french guy he wants to learn English. So one day he goes to an airport to learn "take off". Then he goes to the zoo to learn "zebra". Then he goes to the hospital "baby." So one day he walks up too a hot girl on a beach in a bikini and he said "Take off zebra baby" (take off the bra baby).
2114. A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down a $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies: "Listen darling', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
2115. A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving. The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?" The drunk man, "What drugs??"
2116. There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."
2117. Truck driver is stuck under bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
2118. A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
2119. A cop pulls a guy over: “Sir, why were you speeeding?“ ”Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I become really drunk.”
2120. Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
2121. A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn. The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?" "If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"
2122. A young curate, in his 1st charge was under the supervision of a vicar with a good sense of humour. The Vicar was worried that the young curate seemed to have no sense of humour so one day to test him out he told the story, "You know young man, the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife." At this news the curate was shocked. Then the vicar said with a laugh, "Yes, the arms of my mother." This at last raised a smile on the young curate's face. He was to speak that afternoon to the parish Mothers union, so he thought he might begin by retelling the story as an opener. So he began, "Ladies, you know the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife." Then he paused, and finally said, "And for the moment I cannot remember who she was!"
2123. Frank was rather sad when he saw an atheist lying dead on the table. And the Frank said: "Look at him...at dressed up and nowhere to go!"
2124. A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street. The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."
2125. Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw
an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
2126. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
2127. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
2128. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
2129. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
2130. 4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver." The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest." The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"
2131. A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the
penalty areas on the practice pitch. “Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground?” Emile Heskey replied: “Me coach, but I'm good in the air!”
2132. Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?" Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
2133. Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans. One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven. Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost. A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya. First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!" "Thank God!" Joe shouts... "What is the bad news?!" "You're pitching tomorrow."
2134. I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
2135. Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
2136. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
2137. This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says, Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that
can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong .....
2138. A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
2139. There was a trucker riding along on a highway, While riding he sees a priest on the side of the road sticking his thumb out trying to catch a ride. So out of curtisy the trucker stops and picks up the priest. They start chatting and having a good time. On the way they see a homeless person on the side of the street. The truckers veers off and hits the homeless person. *bu-dump* the trucker sees homeless person,*bu-dump* the driver who is laughing histerically wasn't watching the road and there was another bu-dump, The driver immediatly stops and looks around nervous."what was that?" he looks at the priest and the priest looks back."You missed a homeless guy, but don't worry I got him with the door."
2140. Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge. Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m." 2nd driver, "it's ok, just go, there is no cops around."
2141. Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"
2142. Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel. Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
2143. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
2144. A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."
2145. There was a passenger plane in flight when suddenly one of the engines blew. There was no cargo and the plane had too much weight to stay in flight, so the flight attendant came on the intercom and said. "We are going to have to ask people to start departing the plane one by one so we can save as many as possible, I will start in alphabetical order to see who departs the plane according by race. *A* will all the African Americans please depart the plane". Nobody moves...."B will all black
people please depart the plane." Nobody moves..."C!!! will all the colored folks please depart the plane." Nobody moves.. A little black boy turns to his black father and says "daddy daddy, they called us three times, why haven't we jumped off the plane?" The father replies, "Well son today we are Ni**ers and the Mexicans are jumping first."
2146. Ben: I am so miser that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money. George: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.
2147. Alex: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Ed: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.
2148. Mike: Why are you heating the knife. Gary: To do suicide. Mike: But why are you heating it? Gary: To prevent infection.
2149. Calvin: Blue-line buses are notorious for killing people in accidents. Today a Blue-line bus driver saved 2 lives. Bill: Howz that possible? Calvin: He did not go to job today.
2150. A funny accountant visits a museum with a his friend. Accountant: This painting is 500 years and 20 days old. Friend: Amazing! Where did you get this exact information? Accountant: I was here 20 days ago. The guide told me that the painting was 500 years old.
2151. Paul: Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano? Carl: I can't see the agony of the audience.
2152. A man applied for the post of a detective. In the interview he was asked a question: Who killed Abraham Lincoln? Man: I will tell you tomorrow. He come home and tells his wife: I got the job and my first work is to investigate who killed Lincoln.
2153. Edward saw two workers in Karachi. One of them dig a hole, and the other guy immediately fill it with soil again. They repeated the work again and again. Edward couldn’t understand their job. He asked them about it. Workers replied: The third guy who plants the trees in holes is on leave today, & we are doing our duty.
2154. A Drunk man points towards sky and asks another drunk: Is it sun or moon? Second Drunk: I can't say what it is, because I am also new in the town.
2155. A soldier walks into his officer's room. To impress him, the army officer picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will tell the Prime Minister. Goodbye." Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?" "Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."
2156. 2 men were searching for their lost wife in a festival at a city. First man: How does your wife look like? Second man: She is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours? First man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...
2157. A Funny guy cuts sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess why ?? To avoid side effects!!
2158. Lionel was going to a railway line to commit suicide. He was carrying a tiffin with her. Friend asked: WHY ? Lionel replied: If the train gets late, will I remain hungry ?
2159. Santa: What is the difference between “complete and finish”? Banta: When you marry a right person you arecomplete and when you marry the wrong one you are finished!!!!!
2160. 2 guys were fixing a bomb in a car. Guy 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. Guy 2: Don't worry, I have one more.
2161. It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no” she replied.
2162. Two friends are walking through a garden. Suddenly one climbed up a top of the coconut tree and told to another friend “Now I can see Girls Medical college hostel”. Then the another friend replied that if you untie your hands you will see medical college also.
2163. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. “Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. “But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding Cake!
2164. Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Husband 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Ladies Night 1.0, Celebrity 5.0, Cool Boys 7.5, and Shopping 3.6. I can’t seem to keep Husband 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Boyfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Husband 1.0. Please help! Thanks, Troubled User
2165. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Twenty-six!” he said.
2166. A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the great depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, i sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
2167. A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
2168. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?‘ No, ‘the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ The third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’
2169. An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. “Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man replies. “Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M’s.”
2170. Sam: “When you buy a note book there will be no margin in it. Why is it so?” Bill: “Simple, it is because I always buy the note book from a Margin-Free Market!!”
2171. Once, a guy from Africa went to America. While passing through a road he saw a very high building. He was amazed to see it, and decided to count its storeys. As he was doing so a townsman saw him and tried to
befool him. So he approached the guy and asked, “What are you doing?” When he told the answer, the townsman said that one had to pay two dollars for every storey counted. “How many have you counted?” The guy said ten and gave the man twenty dollars. Walking away, the guy was very happy to think how he has befooled the other man for he had counted twenty.
2172. While visiting Alex’s house, his friend noticed that he had replaced his usual TV with a smaller model. Thinking that perhaps the larger set has broken down, Alex’s friend asked why the small one was there. “Oh,” Alex replied, “I have decided to watch less T.V.”
2173. Once Edward and Mike were going in a jungle, Suddenly they saw one tiger coming towards them. To save themselves they climbed a tree and both sat on one branch. The tiger came under the tree and sat down. Edward told Mike, ” just to pass Time Why don’t you sing some song” Mike started to sing. After singing four songs he hanged upside down on the branch and then again sung four songs. After singing all the songs, Mike came back to his original position. Edward asked curiosly, “Mike, You sung four songs sitting in upright position and next four songs you sat upside down, Why did you do that?” Mike told, ” First four songs were from side A and the other four were from Side B!”
2174. Jake and Paul get into a double-decker bus. Jake somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunately, Paul got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush was over, Jake went upstairs to see friend Paul. He met Paul in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, “Paul! What the hell going on? Why are you so scared? I was enjoying my ride down there? Scared Paul replies, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver.”
2175. Ben meets his friend Peter. Ben: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B…! Peter: What do you mean? Ben: I Mean Long Time No C..!
2176. Gary and Neville are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Neville smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says, “Hey, you shit your pants?” Gary says, “No.” He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Neville stops his horse and turns around. He then says, “Are you sure you did not shit your pants?” Gary says, “Yes, I am sure.” They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Neville stops his horse and gets off his horse. He then says, “Get of your horse. Pull down your pants. I thought you said you did not shit your pants?” Gary replies, “I thought you meant today!”
2177. Mark was inserting dog’s tail into pipe. Bill: Hey you can’t bend a dog’s tail. Mark: Idiot, I am trying to bend the pipe!
2178. Norman is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, “Watch for Fallen Rocks.” A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up. When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter. “Here are your fallen rocks,” he says to the man behind the counter. “Now where is my watch?”.
2179. Chris had to be admitted to hospital and was surprised to see Kevin on the bed next to him. Kevin explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn’t find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied, “I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can’t allow you to stay.” He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied, “I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can’t allow you to stay.” He went to the next house and asked,” Do you have “grown up” Daughters?” The Owner asked, “WHY???” Kevin replied, “I wanted to stay here for a night…”
2180. Mike got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone. “Is this one one one one?”, says the voice. Mike said, “No, this is eleven
eleven.” “Are you sure it isn’t one one one one?” Again Mike said, “No, this is eleven eleven.” “Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night.” Mike replied, “That’s all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.”
2181. Man 1: I tried your number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’! Man 2: No, it’s my HELLO TUNE!
2182. An Hollywood actor reported that there was one shortcoming when he appeared on the stage in Alaska known for cold climate. When the audience clapped he could not tell whether they were applauding him or trying to keep their hands warm!
2183. One of the plays of Bernard Shaw was being enacted on the stage. Bernard Shaw asked the audience, “What do you think ofi t?” A young man stood up and said, “Rotten!” Bernard Shaw smiled and said, “My friend, I agree with you.” Then showing the crowd in front, he added, “But what are we two against so many?”
2184. Mark: “My father is always scared to cross the road.” Friend: “How do you know that?” Mark: “He always catches hold of my hand before we cross the road!”
2185. A shirt manufacturer was reciting his woes to a friend. “In March”, he mourned, “I lost $5000. In April, $10000. May was the biggest blow, yet I lost $15000. Can you imagine anything worse than that?” “Yes”, said his friend, “June!”
2186. Neville: “What kind of fellow is Tom? I haven’t met him.” Ray: “Well, if you see two fellows talking anywhere and one of them looks bored to death, the other one is bound to be Tom!”
2187. Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he
backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
2188. The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
2189. Customer: Do you have any cockroaches? Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman. Customer: I would like 20,000 of them. Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches? Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
2190. A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
2191. 5 Stages of Being Drunk: Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT . And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART . Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART , so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART , so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART , you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
2192. Interviewer: Congrats! You are selected. Your first year Salary is $60,000 and next year will be $100,000. Candidate: Thank u! I will join next year!
2193. Boss: I am appointing you as my driver. STARTING salary is $2000, is it ok?? Jake: You are great sir! Starting salary is fine but how much is DRIVING salary?!
2194. Interviewer: Just imagine, you are on the 3rd floor and it catches fire. How will you escape? Candidate: It’s simple! I will stop imagining!
2195. What is the difference between Secretary and Private Secretary? Ans: Secretary says ‘GOOD MORNING SIR’ and Private Secretary says ‘ITS MORNING SIR!’
2196. Once American industrialist, Henry Ford was asked why he went to his executive’s office instead of asking him to come to his chamber. He said, “I have found I can leave the other fellow’s office a lot quicker than I can get him to leave mine!”
2197. One of the most funny office timetable ever prepared: 9.00 Starting time 9.30 Arrive at work 9.45 Coffee break 11.00 Check e-mail 11.15 Prepare for lunch 12.00 Lunch 2.45 Browse the Internet 3.00 Tea Break 4.00 Prepare to go home 4.30 Go home 5.00 Finishing time
2198. This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Mcdonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… And they hired him because he was so honest and funny! Name: John Flower Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. Desired position: Company’s president or vice president. But seriously, whatever available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. Education: yes. Last position held: Target for middle management hostility. Salary: Less than I’m worth. Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. Education: yes. Last position held: Target for middle management hostility. Salary: Less than I’m worth. Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. Reason for leaving: It sucked. Hours available to work: Any. Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.M., Monday, tuesday, and thursday. Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment. May we contact your current employer: If i had one, would i be here? Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what? Do you have a car: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?” Have you received any special awards or recognition: I may already be a winner of the publishers clearing house sweepstakes. Do you smoke: On the job no, on my breaks yes. What would you like to be doing in five years: Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now. Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely. Sign here: Aries.
2199. Sales Manager to an applicant: “Have you any previous sales experience?” Applicant: “Yes, Sir! I sold my house, my car and all my wife’s jewellery!