VaccinationGenocide.com - Jokes in Progress

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says: "I wanna open a fucking saving account!"... The astonished woman replies... "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here..."

She goes to the bank manager to complain...

Manager agrees such foul language can‟t be accepted...

They both return to the window and ask the old stupid, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

Old man: "There is no fucking problem, I just won 200 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I want to put the fucking money in this fucking bank"...

Manager: "I see sir, and is this bitter bitch giving you a fucking hard time sir?"

When money talks, stupid walks, and nobody checks the grammar!!! Check your checkbook, and it gives you the best look... the best language for any age... at any stage... But! Our language is made by us, not by people like Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha... it is made by the mediocre people, and it carries their meanings... their attitudes towards life... So whatsoever we say is going to be somewhere inadequate, and deep down wrong also... So let us be aware not to fall into the trap in which almost all the scholars have fallen... Yes! You are right... Me too I

love to read more about the sense of language... Let us read and be aware of what we need.

Each language in fact is not one language but two... There are the dimensions to each language, diametrically opposite to each other... they never meet, they run parallel but they never meet...

One is the ordinary language, the factual language... the language of the world... It can be refined, then it becomes the language of science... It is the common world language, refined, made more articulate, made more objective, more exact, but it is the same language... the language of facts... It says, it informs, it is needed, it has utility, but it is not enough... there are so many things which it cannot do anything about... Love, beauty, prayer, God... the language of facts is simply impotent about those experiences... It cannot express them... And because it cannot express them, it denies them; it says they don't exist...

There is another kind of language, just parallel to the factual, the language of poetry, of love, of prayer... The first language is logical, purposive, sticks to the fact... Hence it is useful but limited, because there are many things in life which are not factual and yet they are existential... Somebody whom you love is ill... He is dying and you care for him... He says: "You have made a great change in my illness, you have transformed my being... I am totally different person and I am taking my illness in a different way"... there is no medical instrument which can detect this difference, but this is true... No science can speak about water, only your thirst... it is the first and the last truth... It is in us... in our feelings... in our living... in our own experience... if somebody loves a dying man, his death has a difference, his illness has a difference... He can go to meet death singing... He has been accepted...

He is fulfilled, but no medical instrument can detect it... Whether the ill person was loved or not loved... The illness remains the same as far as the factual language is concerned, but something of immense importance has happened...

There are things which are not facts... are not fictions... for them, a different kind of language is needed. Yes! It exists, the language of aesthetics... It is illogical... it speaks heart to heart... it speaks in gestures, in metaphors, in myth and parables and jokes... it spins beautiful poetry, penetrates you trough different dimensions, through the vertical dimension...

The first language is horizontal... The second language is vertical... It goes into depth and into height... So let us live both languages, but be aware, alert about the difference... Let us walk in the world, but we are beyond all what we see and what we learn... We are the mystic message of God... Let us live our life and enjoy our laughter... Life is only a joy, and all what we do is only a joke... Let us laugh loudly and go beyond any crowd...

Yes! Let us share our care... This must count as the best mother-in- law joke... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned... The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin...

However, the only skin in her body that the doctor felt was suitable, would have to come from her buttocks... The husband and wife

agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret... After all, this was a very delicate matter...

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face... He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and about his youthful beauty... One day, he was alone with his wife, and was very happy and was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice... He said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me... how can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling" she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek".

Men are best cooks... Yes! He is the best cook ever... Because with two eggs, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months...

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym "I want to impress that beautiful girl… which machine should I use?" The trainer replied: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym".

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital… while on the operating table she had a near death experience… seeing God... She asked: "Is my time up?"... God answered: "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live".

Upon recovery, she decide to stay in the hospital, and have a face lift, liposuction, and tummy tuck, and hair colour… after she was released from the hospital, while crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car, and dead immediately...

Arriving in front of God, she asked: "I thought you said I had another 40 years… why you didn‟t pull me from out of the path of the car?"... God replied: "I didn‟t recognize you"...

Men never listen… In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicomes, Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall"... He did what he needed to do, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch... Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR... Who would know if he touches them? He could not resist, he pushed WW, warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom...

What a nice feeling, he thought... Men restroom doesn't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button, warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside… when this stopped, he pushed the PP button... A large powder puff caressed his bottom... Ah, what a tender loving place for pleasure… now he could not wait to push ATR... Next push he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him... "What happened" he asked. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button…

"The ATR is an automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

Best quote of the year by a Brazilian Medicine Nobel prize winner oncologist Varella… "Today we are spending 5 times more money in medications for male virility and for female silicone than in finding a cure for Alzheimer's… in a few years, we'll have old women with bog breasts and men with hard penises, but wont remember their use!"

My Doctor… He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years, before he realized she was Chinese…

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears… his advice: don‟t answer it...

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places, he told me to stop going to those places...

A dentist was removing a tooth of a lady, he said: "Madam, you are holding my balls". She said: "I know, it's just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other!"...

Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant...

So the waiter gave her the wine, and she looked at the man then decided to send a reply to him by a note… the waiter took the note and gave it to the gentleman... it read: "For me, to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return, and handed it to the waiter to give it to the lady... It read: "Just to let you know, things are not always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari, BMW, Mercedes, and a Porsche in my several garages… I have beautiful homes is Aspen and Miami, and 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana... There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, and portfolio... But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches… just send the wine back"...

Take care to what you like or you will be forced to like what you

get

Ask before the risk A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks for a condom... "I'm going to my girlfriend for dinner; I think I may be in with a chance".

He gave him the condom and as he was going out, he returns and says: "give me another one because her sister is very cute too, and she gives me signs of sex…"

He gives him a second condom, and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says: "Give me one more, because her mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me, she always makes yes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to take a move."

During the dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right, and the mom facing him... When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us..." A minute later, he is still praying, keeping his head down... Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down... They all look at each other surprised, and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others... She get close to the boy and says in his ear: "I did not know you were so religious"... The boy replies: "I did not know your dad was a pharmacist".!!

Yes! Without sex there are no jokes.

Me too, I want to know why, why all the religions are into repressing the energy called sex?

And remember, we have only one energy, and the lowest is called sex energy. You go on refining it, you go on transforming it through mediation and it becomes love… prayer… compassion.

Sex is raw, just like a diamond found in the mines... It has to be cut, polished, much work is needed, then it will be possible to recognize that it is a diamond...

Sex is a raw energy… it has to be transformed, and through transformation, there is transcendence… this is its grace... And it is our choice... Why kill it, why repress it? Why become a perverted human being? From sex to superconsciousness is our trip, not our trap... Once we are freed from religious exploitation, and religious traditions, which are very oppressive, there will be no need to talk about sex... Then we can move into more scientific ways to transform it into higher forms of energy. One becomes a Christ only when sex is transformed… sex is the first step and the source of all life.... the lower step is bound to disappear when you have the higher in your life... Never drop the lower, try to attain to the higher... the whole trip is in the first step...

Sex is pleasure, the lowest... art is happiness... sex is animal... Art is human... sex is biological... The second step is love...

On the branches of love... the flowers of bliss happen... that is the highest stage... That is spirituality... true religion... the religiousness, which has no dogma... no temples... no books... no beliefs... it is a love affair far deeper than the intellect... it is of the heart... And the heart knows no arguments, no proofs... it is simply so. Just like the laughter...

A fiftyish woman was at home happily, jumping on her bed and very delightful...

Her husband watched her for a while, and asks: "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What‟s the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says: "I don‟t care... I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breast of 18 years old"...

The husband says: "what did he say about your 65 year old ass?" "Your name never came up", she replied.

Two men sitting around drinking a few beers... - How is your wife looking these days? - She went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack and for two days, she looked nice... then the mud fell off...

Miss Fun goes into the police station and tells the police officer that her boyfriend is missing... the cop starts to fill out a report and asks Fun if she can give a description of the missing man… sure says Fun, he is thirty five, six foot tall, blond hair, blue eyes, very handsome, and well mannered and he plays the guitar and his father is very rich and generous...

A friend of hers whispers in her ears: "Hey Fun, what are you talking about? Your husband is short, fat, hairy and not a boyfriend". "I know", snaps Fun, "But who wants that bullshit back?"

Bullshit is far better than "relationlization", and they mean the same… bullshit is more alive than the big clinical word... Is more young, bloody, and muddy as it is being used by people who are working, living the ordinary life... It does not come from the ivory towers of a university... But remember, it is more authentic, it says much more than that big word. They are dead clinical words...

So let us be more innocence... More child like...

Two old black ladies are about to get their pictures taken... As the photographer black cloth over his head and starts to adjust the lens... one lady asks the other: "What is he doing?" she answers:"he is going to focus". The other lady looks at her in shock and says: "Both of us!"

Bliss or Bullshit Yes! It is our choice Bliss or Bullshit...

Life can either be a tale told by an idiot... or it can be a tale told by a Christ...

It all depends on you... If you remain asleep, unconscious, your life will be just accidental... like drift wood... at the mercy of the winds... But if we become a little alert... the quality of life immediately changes... Then it is no more accidental... It starts having a subtle meaning to it... That meaning is Bliss...

And then life starts turning into beautiful love and laughter... If one is miserable, that shows he is unconscious... if you are blissful that shows he is conscious...

Yes! You can live in the world and not be of it... This is the root of our fruits... No roots, no fruits...

Our mind is like ice... Let it melt, be like water... love will help it to be melted... and then evaporates and becomes invisible and disappears... No mind any more, only love... It unites with God... Mind means ice... Consciousness means liquid water... The water of Christ... of a new birth... and nirvana means evaporation... This is our real birth right, our real core, our being...

Yes! Let us be aware of who you are... We are part of the ocean... Of this existence... Why so much wars? Why not a warm arms to hug myself and every self? I hug you... a joke is a hug hug.

Food… Food cannot make you spiritual... but if you are spiritual... your food habits will change…

You can be a vegetarian like Hitler... you can be a non vegetarian and kind of loving… food will not make much difference...

But if you become more meditative... you will know what your body mind needs... Be more aware of your being… of your desire… don‟t let the smell catch you or the look or the invitation... Just feel your hunger... Your thirst… eat the food that hums you... Don‟t let the food eat you... You eat the best food for you... If you eat good food, no doctor is needed... If you eat bad food, no doctor can cure you... Let us choose the heal meal... The "humming food", not the "beckoning food"... Let us eat what our body needs... The key to this door is fasting… this is the feast… let hunger decide which food...

Don‟t think what is available, simply think what is your desire and go find it and eat it... And chew very well... Enjoy it in the mouth... Do not swallow it in a hurry... It hurts you... Instead of ten bites, enjoy one bite... Chew it more... Taste it more... Smell it and then chew it...

So smell the food, look at the food, take time, make it a meditation... A very small quantity of food will be enough and will give you more satisfaction...

Yes! Some food will harm you... Let us joke...

Francesco goes to the medical room to see doctor Azima...

Hi doctor, I came home last night and found my wife in bed with my best friend... I was about to kill them both, when she said come on Francesco, we are all friends, let us have a cup of coffee together... So we all sat down and had a cup of coffee... The next day, I find her in bed with a stranger and she said the same thing, and we had a coffee together... And doctor, this happened every day this week...

I see, says the doctor... but I am not therapist... I am a doctor... why you tell me this?

Well, says Francesco, “I am worried... will it be bad for me... all this coffee?”

When a husband comes home unexpectedly, a French wife says: "Pierre, move over, my husband is home!" A German Wife Says: "Fritz, you are two minutes early!" An English wife: "Darling, may I introduce you Gilbert?" The Greek wife: "Hi Spyro! The back door is still open!" An Italian wife: "Mama Mia... Luigi, if you are going to shoot a-us all, shoot a yourself first…" and a Jewish wife says: "Hymie, is that you? Then who is this with me?"

What it is pragmatism? Let us read about it... The morning after the office Christmas party... the husband woke up with an agonizing hangover... "I feel terrible", he complained... "You should ", said his wife… "You really made a fool of yourself last night". "What did I do?" "You got into a quarrel with your boss and he fired you". "Well, he can go to hell!!" "That's exactly what you told him". "I did?", he said… "Then screw the old goat". "That's what I did" his wife replied "you go back to work on Monday".

Very pragmatic!!! David is dazing in his armchair in the funeral home... The phone rings and turns out that the democratic political party has booked an entire hotel in town for their conference, and that in room 213, one of their delegates has died…

David throws a coffin in the back of the car and drives down town...

Half an hour later, David calls the manager's office to confirm that the job is done…

Yes, it's done, and that the occupant of room 312 has been removed...”

"You idiot!" shouts the manager. "I said room 213! Was the man in 312 dead also?"

"He said he was not!" said David calmly. "But you know what liars these politicians are."

Leave politics for the stupid people... The utterly stupid who cannot do anything else...

First, try to be a scientist, a poet, a painter, a pottery, a weaver, a carpenter, something intelligent… Something creative… If you find you cannot create anything, when you have looked around and tried and you get "F" then go into politics… That is the last resort of the stupids…

The criminal and the politicians are the same type of people... If the criminal becomes politically successful, he is a great leader… If he cannot succeed in being in power, he becomes a criminal... They are destructive people... Their whole effort is to dominate people... And we are the cause... We are victims of victims... Change yourself... Politics is an ego trip... Our ego is our only enemy... let go of our ego... Let go and let God...

Strength To be strong is good... But in the feminine way... The rock is strong... but in a masculine way... The water is strong in a rivering way... giving way... and the water wins over the rock, and it will turn into sand... And the water will still be there and from the water comes life... This is the symbol of baptism and in all religions too…

There is a strength in a big, strong cedar... that is manly power, and so in the grass which is feminine power... When the strong wind comes, the cedar will resist and the grass will bow down... The cedar can fall because of its resistance... and once it falls... there is no way of getting up, but the grass will be back again, when the wind is gone... The wind has not done any harm to it... on the contrary; it has been a blessing because it has taken all its dust…

So let us be like the grass, don‟t be like a proud cedar... but bending, surrendering, liquid, flowing... Let thy will be done... total surrender. Let go and let God... But with stillness. Let us all remember this power.

The power of love, or, the love of power. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the whole world knows peace. I need you because I love you. I don't love you, because I need you. This is the power of God.

Yes! Old man Fink is very strong too... Old man Fink and his friend Grandpa Funk are having a few drinks with their dinner...

You know, says Fink, when I was thirty my erection was so strong, I could not bend it at all... even with both my hands.

Funk nodes his head appreciatively... and Fink goes on… "When I reached forty, I could band it just a little bit... but only with a great deal of effort... At fifty, I could bend it a little more... And now that I am sixty… Wow! I can easily bend it in half..."

The two friends keep sipping their drinks... "It is just amazing, Funk"... continue Fink... "I wonder how much stronger my hands are going to get?"

Jon gets a new job, and on the first day, The boss walks up to him and says: "What is your name?" Jin Smith... Jon replied... "Look here" says the boss: "Say sir when you speak to me... respect my power!!" "All right", says Jon... "Sir Jon Smith"...

So be powerful... Why not? Be pragmatic... Very very pragmatic...

Be here to hear!! Hear and listen! Jesus used to say again and again... "If you have ears, hear, if you have eyes, see…" we all have eyes but very few are capable of seeing... We all have ears, but it is very rare to come across a person who is capable of hearing... Just to hear the words is not hearing... unless you hear the silence which is the soul of the words, you have not heard...

A young sailor is washed ashore on an island inhabited by cannibals... Since this tribe is fasting, the chief announces that the sailor life will be spared if he can pass the three-tent- test... So the chief says: "In the first tent, there is a jug full of liquor... You must drink it all... In the second tent, there is a lion with a toothache; you must take out his sore tooth... In the third tent is a beautiful lady who loves sex... You must satisfy her twice…"

The sailor shrugs and goes into the first tent... After five minutes of silence... he wobbles out and goes into the second tent... There are screams and moans and eventually, he crawls out covered in cuts and bruises...

Standing up he looks around and asks: "Now where is that girl with the sore tooth?"

Sure... they enjoyed the best meal of man meat...

So let us hear, listen before it is too late!

Miss Feel good goes to see doctor Bones for an examination... "Get undressed"… say Bones... "Please doctor, turn out the lights" "Come on… Now I am the doctor Miss Feel Good"... and he turns out the lights, and she says: "Doctor, where shall I put my clothes?"... "Over here" says Bones... On top of mine…

The Indian president… The French president… and the Arabic King are sitting along together in a meeting... "I have a problem and I need your help... I have twenty personal bodyguards and I know for certain that one of them is a Chinese spy... But which one?" Says the Indian…

The French and the Arabic nod sympathetically and then the French says: "I have a similar problem... I have twenty mistresses, and I know for sure that one of them is unfaithful... But which one?"

"That is nothing", says the king of Saudi Arabia… "I have twenty people in my cabinet, one of them I know is intelligent, but which one?"

Who Knows?

Knowledge comes through memory, and knowing comes through awareness... And through awareness you become a new man... A human becoming...

Where are you?

The angel of death finds Cohen and delivers him to heaven… Saint Peter looking at his files asked him: "Mr Cohen, have you done any good in the world?" "Well, one time I gave a dollar to a poor man..." "I see, anything else Mr Cohen?". "Yes, I once gave fifty cents to a blind man..." "Were there any other virtuous acts in your life?" "No, that is all" "Okay" says the Saint Peter, turning to the angel of death: "Give this guy his dollar fifty back, and tell him to go to hell…"

Old Daisy Smith dies and shows up at the pearly gates... Saint Peter asks her: Mrs Daisy, you can just settle down anywhere you want"

"Well, I would like to be with my husband who has been dead many years ago", she said...

"Okay, what is his name?"

"Jon Smith" she says... "My God", cries Peter, "We have hundreds of Jon Smith... is there anything about him that would set him apart?"

Daisy thinks for a while, and then says: "Yes, there is. He told me that if I was ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in his grave"... "A-ha", says Peter, "I know him... He is the one we call Whirling Smith"...

Who is dirty? A philosopher was walking down the street... He saw a garbage man cleaning streets and picking garbage... He looked at the man and said: "Ohhh poor you garbage man... such dirty... dirty work you do"...

The garbage man looked at him and said: "And what do you do?"

The philosopher said: "I am a philosopher... I study people's lives... I clean them"...

The garbage man said: "Hahaha, and you say my work is dirty! How poor you are! Who is cleaning you?"

Talking is the only garbage... But we go on talking and ninety- nine percent of our talk is nonsense... We talk just to hide ourselves behind the noise in our mind...

Let us watch the words that we speak... Once words disappear... we start falling into the impersonal... into our being... our stillness... Be still and know that you are God... the godliness in us... the Christ consciousness... the existence... the oneness... But who is ready for the truth? This birth! This is our reality... our birth right... but we are afraid to face our real original face... So we cling to the illusion that words create... Ya Allah, Ya God, Ya Hoooo. But we know nothing of this reality...

Are you breast fed? Dr Bones is doing his monthly Turn at the infant clinic... A woman with a baby is next in line... He examines the baby and then asks the woman: "Is he breast fed, or bottle- fed?"

"Breast fed doctor"... said the woman...

"Strip down to the waist" orders the doctor... She does, and he examines her... He presses each breast, increasing and decreasing pressure... He squeezes and pulls each nipple... Suddenly, he remarks: "No wonder this baby is so thin, you don‟t have any milk..." "Naturally doctor, I am his aunt, but I am glad I came", she said...

Barbara is about to undergo a miner operation... She has been prepared and wheeled along the corridor to the doors of the operating room, where the nurse leaves her to check if the surgery staff are ready...

A young man in a white coat comes up to the trolley... Lifting the sheet, begins to examine her naked body very carefully, then nods and walks away... Then a second one comes and does the same, but when the third comes dressed in white and does the same, she becomes impatient: "But when are you going to start the operation?" "I have no idea, we are just painting the corridor" replied the man.

Kiss Keep it short stupid or keep it short sweet heart... What is our choice? What is our kiss? Kissing is symbolic... symbolic of any meeting between yin and yang... between male and female, whether you are holding hands, or touching lips or looks of any apposite polarities... many primitive societies don‟t kiss... it's not healthy for them... but humanly has remained oral...

The child is not satisfied orally, no breast milk... the lips remain unsatisfied... So he will smoke... will kiss... will chew gum or will become a great eater... If mothers give their breasts as much as the child needs, then no damage in his sexual energy... his first chakra... first self touch...

Then a few people change from oral to anal, why? Because the second great damage happens with the toilet training... Children are forced to go to the toilet at a certain time... Now, children cannot control their bowel movements... It takes time, it takes years for them to come to a control... So what do they do? They simply force, they close their anal mechanism, and because of this, they become anal-fixated...

That is why so much constipation exists in the world... It is only man who suffers from constipation, no animals, only us... And because we damage our first step of growing, we become hoarder of knowledge, of money, of virtue, and this is miserly... We grab, we snatch, and we are sick in bodymind and soul... If the first step is wrong... all our journey, all our trip is a trap...

Every atom is a bomb If Jesus was born in a stable, and bombed the world with his word and his world... so each one of us can put dynamite into our words and in our heart... And whether we do it or not, it is going to happen...

Evolution cannot be stopped, perhaps it may be delayed a little bit, postponed, but it cannot be stopped...

So it does not matter who becomes the vehicle, but truth should win, and a new man should be allowed to appear... That is the only hope, not only for this earth, but for this whole universe...

Yes! Let us be aware of who we are, and why we are here... Let us keep the good, throw out the junk...

Ruth is so fed up with her husband, that she is almost suicidal... the next day, she receives a letter which says: "Hello there! This letter is great... don't stop it... it doesn't cost anything... Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are fed up from their husbands... then bundle up your husband, and send him to the woman at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of this list... When your name comes to the top, you will receive 16,500 men... and some of them are bound to be much better than your idiot... so called husband... don‟t break the chain, if you do it, you will have your own son-of-a bitch back... today my friend got 183 men... They buried her, but it took 40 hours work to get off the smile on her face...

Witnessing... Let us observe... Let us see... Nothing is new under the sun... Only this now... The verb... the rivering... the seeing... but witnessing is detached from the mind, from all what you see or who you are...

Once you have known the knack of it, it is the most simple thing in the world... Why? And How? because each child is born in that innocence... You have known it in your mother‟s womb... you have known it when you were a small child... so it is only a rediscovery...

Meditation is not something new... You had come with it into the world... MIND is something new, meditation is our nature... it is our very being... How can it be difficult? You just have to know the knack, watch! Sit by the side of a river and watch... Yes! Sometimes a boat comes... a dead body comes... a beautiful woman... Just watch... You have nothing to do... It is the river and it is the river's business... You simply sit silently... sitting silently and one day, the moment your watchfulness is total... the mind evaporates...

If you are 50% watchful, 50% of the traffic disappear... If you are one hundred percent watchful, totally watchful, the mind totally disappears, the river is no more there... Only God... the ultimate truth. the mystery which is the only isness... the only existence...

Obedience I am not a loyalty... I am a royalty... So i don‟t obey any one!! Okay, listen to this...

The master Kabeer's talks were attended not only by Sufi students, but by persons of all ranks and sects... He never quoted sutras nor indulged in logic mind stuff... Instead, his words were spoken directly from his heart to the hearts of his listeners... Yes! From heart to heart it heals every hurt... So, a self –centred priest came to the temple, to dictate his words and to debate with Kabeer... "Hey, sufi teacher" he called out, "Wait a minute, whoever respects you will obey what you say, but a man like myself, does not respect you. Can you make me obey you?" "Come up beside me and I will show you", said Kabeer... Proudly the priest pushed his way through the crowed to the teacher... Kabeer said: "Come over to my left side". The priest obeyed. "No", said Kabeer, "We may talk better if you are on the right side. Step over here"... The priest proudly stepped over to the right... "You see" observed Kabeer, "You are obeying me and I think you are a very gentle person. Now sit down and listen"… Let us obey and bow to our heart not to our mind...

Catch the first bird A young man wished to marry the farmer's daughter... The farmer looked him over and said: "Son, go stand out in the field... I'm going to release three bulls; one at a time... if you can catch the tail of any one of the three bulls, you can marry my daughter."

The young man stood in the pasture awaiting the first bull... The barn door opened and out ran the biggest, meanest-looking bull he had ever seen... He decided that one of the next bulls had to be a better choice than this one, so he ran over the side and let the bull pass through the pasture out the back gate...

The barn door opened again... Unbelievable! He had never seen anything so big and fierce in his life... It stood pawing the ground, grunting, slinging slobber as it eyed him... Whatever the next bull was like, it had to be a better choice than this one... He ran to the fence and let the bull pass through the pasture... Out the back gate...

The door opened a third time... A smile came across his face... This was the weakest little bull he had ever seen... This one was his bull... And the bull came running by, he positioned himself just right and jumped at just the exact moment... He grabbed but the bull had no tail... Life is full of opportunities... Some will be easy, some will be difficult... But once we let them pass, may never be available again... So always grab the first opportunity, hail the first tail...

What is the middle? Once it happened that a great Chinese emperor went to see a great zen master... The Zen master was rolling on the floor and laughing, and his disciples were laughing too... He must have told a joke or something…

The emperor was embarrassed... He could not believe his eyes, because the behaviour was so unmannerly, he could not prevent himself from saying so… He told the master "This is unmannerly! It is not expected of a master like you, some etiquette has to be observed... You are rolling on the floor, laughing like a madman…"

The master looked at the emperor who had a bow... in those old days they used to carry bows and arrows... He said: "Tell me one thing... Do you keep this bow always strained, stretched, tense, or do you allow it to relax too...?"

The emperor said: "If we keep it stretched continuously, it will lose elasticity... It will not be of any use then... It has to be left relaxed so that whenever we need it, it has elasticity…"

And the master said: "that is what I am doing"... Give time to play... we are here to play... but with awareness.

The lie is short The rope of a lie is short... Listen to this... Is that so?

The Sufi master Farid was praised by all his neighbors as he is living a pure life... A beautiful girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him... Suddenly without any warning, her parents discovered she was pregnant... This made her parents very angry... She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Farid...

In great anger, the parents went to Farid... And all what he said "Is that so". After the child was born, it was brought to the master... By this time, he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child... He obtained milk from his neighbors and everything else the baby needed...

A year later, the girl-mother could stand it no longer... She told her parents the truth, that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fish market...

The mother and the father of the girl at once went to Farid, to ask forgiveness, to apologize and to get the child back again... Farid was willing... in giving the child, all he said was: "Is that so?"

Let us share Let us share what we care... What we dare... Yes my dear mewe... few words from our hearts, the same seed again and again and this is the gain... The world will be treated as a stepping place not as a stopping place... Use it as a bridge to GOD...

* The difference between capitalism and communism... the capitalism man exploits man... In communism visa versa.

* John and Boris are sitting in a restaurant in New York discussing communism... In America, we have such freedom... For example, anyone who wants to, can walk right up to the steps of the white house... and call president Obama an idiot pig... John Says... Ah, says Boris, we in Russia have equal freedom... Anyone who wants can walk right up to the steps of the Kremline, and call President Obama and idiot pig...

* An atomic war will not determine who is right, but who is left.

* A pessimist is someone who is afraid that the optimist is right.

* The first day Ramzi came back from school, mama asked him: "What did you learn today?" I learned that my name is not "don't"... As parents, we say "Don‟t do this, and don‟t do that", we say it so much. He thought "Don‟t" was his real name...

* Watch out what you are s-a-y-i-t... saying!!

Say it with flowers, say it with kisses, say it with sweets, say it with drinks, but always be careful not to say it with ink…

* What you are is God's Gift to you... What you make of yourself is your gift to God...

* Life is always full of broken places, but there are those who become stronger at the cracks...

* To think in terms of time is politics... To think in terms of eternity is religion... The religiousness in your heart... in your being, not the one in your books...

* The best ads… a young farmer wishes to marry a beautiful girl with a tractor... Please send me photos of the tractor… Bad time joky story Yesterday, I saw two frogs out in the back yard... They were very thirsty... Suddenly they saw a large bucket full of white liquid... Oh! It is milk and frogs love milk...

So they hopped into the bucket and began to drink... They drank down a whole lot of milk... After a while, the bigger frog, the more anxious said... "Hey, we are in trouble... How are we going to get out of here? We are down low... We're going to drown"... The little frog, always optimistic, said: "We will figure it out... just keep swimming"... So they did... But the bigger said "Look buddy, there is no way out of here. Why ever try?"...

"Keep swimming" said the little frog. "I can't stand it any longer, nothing is happening... I am giving up!"... And he stopped swimming and sure enough, he went right to the bottom of the bucket...

The little frog kept swimming round and round in circles, sure that things would get better... And as he swam and swam, he noticed that it became thicker and thicker until it turned into butter... And he perched his little feet on the butter as a stepping stone and hopped out of the bucket...

So let us hope and keep swimming and swimming and the bitter will be better, and we hop out of it and here we are alive...

Take a deep breath and be grateful to this jump... The first step is the whole trip... Use any pain as a stepping stone not as a stopping stone...

Repetition Did I share this joky story? Why not? Let us repeat. Every breath is different... Every now is different... So let us say it in this new now...

Once upon a now a tramp knocked at a cottage door, and when it was opened, he said to the housewife: "I beg you pardon ma-am, but I wonder if you would not sew a button on a coat for me?" "Sure why not, come in, it is cold and you need a coat…"

The trap is not in out it is in... so the tramp enhanced and handed the woman a button... Very well, she said, now where is the coat? "Ah! I got nothing but this button... Ma-am I was thinking may be you would sew the coat on..."

The lady laughed and realized that she has a coat with a missing button, waiting for someone...

If I am ready to supply the button, at least a little effort and thirst of my own... A readiness to risk to devote... to dedicate and to sacrifice... God is ready to give me the coat... Let us look at the button in us... In our heart... and all that it takes a step towards God... this godliness that lives in the core of our being... And this is the real trip... Go in... walk our pilgrimage... We are pilgrims for peace... All that it takes is a step towards godwards... In is our only inn... Go in and enjoy the rest of the trip... It is not the movement that leads us home, but it is the direction...

How to be thankful at all times The mess to clean after a party because, it means I have been with friends... The taxes I pay, because it means that I'm employed... The clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat... A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means that I have a home. All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech... Many huge heating bill because it means i am warm... The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear... The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive... Getting too much email bogs me down, but at least I know I have friends who are thinking of me... Even though I clutch my blanket and grow when the alarm rings, thank you, God, that I can hear... There are many who are deaf. Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you God, that I can see... Many are blind... Thank you God, I can wipe my ass, many can't... Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you God for the food we have, there are many who are hungry... There are many who have no job... Thank you God I'm still alive... Thank you for all what I am doing and being...

Thank you for all the ones who loves me and the ones who hates me, because both of them is not for me... I don‟t expect any feeling from any one... No one loves me only me... Only my body goes with me to the grave... So by loving myself I love every self because we are oneself... We came from the one and we are with the one... All the emotions are only mind projection... Love comes from the heart not the head... I need you because I love you... I don‟t love you because I need you... When I look at any seen I see us... We all come from the same secret... The same roots... The same mystery... Name it God or light or love or compassion...

Thank you for the thirst in us... It is our thirst that takes us to the river... To drink and be grateful to the life that is alive and to this moment that is the only time that we have... Enjoy this now which is our only wow!!!

How to stay young Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old, is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions... "How old are you?"... "I'm four and a half"... You are never thirty six and a half... You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key... You get in to your teen, now they can't hold you back... You jump to the next number, or even a few a head... "How old are you?"... "I am gonna be 16!". You could be 13 but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life... You become 21! Even the words sound like a ceremony… you become 21… yessss!

This is the age of adult... Not adultery... Adulthood. Be an adult... Walking up towards enlightenment... But now adultery is our business... is using each other... is making love while you are not in love... with your wife or any woman... just be honest in what you are doing... it is with yourself... Every work is worship... Is prayer or it is adultery... If love is there, then it is not adultery. And if love is not there, then even with a woman you are married to, whatsoever you are doing is adultery. So wake up my beloved adults.

Yes! You become 21, you turn 30, then pushing to 40... put in the brakes, it's all slipping away... Before you know it, you are 50 and your dreams are gone... But wait! You make it to 60... to 70... to 80... and every day is a complete cycle... You hit lunch... reach bedtime... and into 90 and you start going backwards... But how to stay young???

1- Throw out nonessential numbers... Includes age, weight and height... Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them... 2- keep only cheerful friends... 3- Keep learning; learn more about computer and play... 4- Enjoy the simple things... 5- Laugh often, long and loud... 6- Tears happen, but our self is our only friend... Be alive while you are alive. 7- Surround yourself with what you love... 8- Cherish your health... 9- Don't take guilt trips... No sin... All is good. 10- Tell the people that you love them... Even your husband... and your wife... Remember… Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away...

Yes, be happy… But How Can I live happily?

Simply be happy! That is what I mean by being yourself... Be as you are alone in the world... What would you do then? Everybody disappears and you are alone in the world... What would you do? Commit suicide? If that idea comes, then you are doing it right now, if you meditate, then you are in this beautiful state of being yourself, or if you like to sing and dance, that is what you are doing now...

If you are helping others, then you are killing yourself... Love others as you are loving yourself... Start with yourself... All your political leaders will commit suicide... What will they do if there are no others?

Christ is alone but not lonely... So listen to yourself... be like the sun... the stars... the river will not bother when people come to swim or not... And the sun will go on shining... flowers will go on glowering... birds will go on singing...

Only us, only mad people will be in difficulty... You feel confused... always think whether you would be doing whatsoever you are doing if you were alone... Then it is right for you. But if you need the others appreciation, this and that, then you are a slave to the other... You are here to please the other... So love yourself first, and then you love the world...

Yes my beloved. Heshe - I self Myself noself... Any word... We are beyond and beyond any mention and any dimension. I am writing to hide my weakness, my stupidity... No need to any words, any actions, but once we know we are here only to play... Let us play... But with awareness, with choice, good or bad? Devil or divine? Evil or live? War or peace? Laughter or sadness? Le us go for it...

President Obama and Queen Elisabeth met at the airport in London, where they sat in a magnificent 17th century carriage with six white horses... They continue on Towards Buckingham palace, waving to the thousands of people... Suddenly, the right rear horse left a fart... Oh! The fart shakes the coach, the smell is awful! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident...

The Queen turns to Obama saying: "Mr president, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control"...

Obama, as any other president with his usual diplomatic way, replied: "You Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses…" Who is the whore? I mean the horse…

Watching Yes my friend… the real silence happens when you start watching the noise of your mind... There is a constant traffic in the mind... Thoughts, memories, imaginations, thousands of desires… it is always a crowd moving in all directions… if you can stand by the side of the road and just watch, without any evaluation, judgment, just watch the flow... detached... just being a pure witness... then the miracle happens…

So let‟s be aware of the bodymind and its action now… now is the only new… new news to be used... what am I doing? Am I being? Who is writing? Who is reading? What is the feeling? Just see without good or bad... right now… take a deep breath… why do you want to stop writing ya mind... Ya Mariam just to go to the internet... Watch why? The innernet or the outernet?

Yes my beloved self… while writing, write with alertness… don‟t write like a robot… every letter is a treasure, is a sacred power… when thinking watch the desires that are weaving their nets around you... Go on watching… am I hungry? If no… why go to the food??

Watch your feelings… your moods… how they suddenly arise as if from nowhere… just a moment before it happens, how joy becomes sadness… how sadness becomes joy… what is this bridge??

No... no... don‟t do anything, just watch… this is what meditation is… pure awareness… this is our grace…

If you go on watching, tremendous and incredible things start happening… your body becomes graceful, your body is no more

restless, tense… your body starts becoming light... this is who we are… light, life, love and laughter…

Slowly slowly your mood starts disappearing… you are no more very joyous and no more very sad… soon a moment of equilibrium is reached when you are no more sad and no more happy... and that is the cross… let thy will be done... and that is the moment when bliss is felt... That tranquility... that silence... that balance... is bliss… There are no more peaks and no more valleys… no more dark nights and no more moon nights… all those polarities disappear… you start becoming settled exactly in the middle… this is the cross… this is the no mind… only the heart… only your being… the soul… the Godliness… the truth… or whatever you want to call it, that is up to you… you are beyond words… no names…

Yes our us… our isness… our thou… we are all light from light… a drop from the ocean… your inner eye has opened… it is only through that inner eye and that light that one becomes aware of who we are... Of the truth of existence... of our source... and that truth liberates us from ignorance to innocence… to the wisdom in our seed… one seed turns the whole earth green...

Mistake Mistakes are perfectly okay… don‟t ask for perfection… otherwise, you will either become inhuman or superhuman… and both are not good… just remember one thing, not to commit the same mistake again… not to feel guilty… this is how we learn… make new mistakes and we learn from my mistakes and your mistakes… this is how we grow… guilt is the way to help the mistake to come back… see why it came, how you did it, see why it came "Why do I commit this again and again?". Just go in and watch your mind and joyously… look into it, and you will be finished with it…

You write two plus two is five, and then you feel guilty… you pray… you fast… you beat yourself… it is useless… search for the cause… and once you have found the cause, it will disappear… ignorance is our only enemy… to know a thing totally is to be free of it…

Whenever you commit a mistake again, go into the process of it, see why, how it happens… in Islam, Imam Ali gave the best way to watch your thought… you are responsible for it… watch it… be aware and alert why it is coming… we are all victims of victims, be a victor… be a rebel and do not listen to the devil or the negative thought… live your choice… good atom or bad atom… you are what you chose, and you are a divine being… the ego is our devil… watch it and use it as a servant for good and it will transcend too… life is a balance and we are the master of this cross… we are in the middle point… just be a watcher…

No work today… Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I am really sick… got headache… stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work…!"

The boss John says: "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today… When I feel sick like you do, I go to my home, and meet my wife and tell her to give me sex… that makes everything better, and I go to work... You try that!"

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again… "I do what you do and what you say… and I feel great… I will be at work soon… and thank you very much and you got a very nice house…".

Watch out when you give any advice, or any order, people follow literally and then they become just blind "I go to my home, he went to his home".

The real friend is the one who does not advise you, but helps you to become more alert, more aware, more conscious of the life… its problems, its challenges, its mysteries… and helps you to go on your own trip… gives you courage to experience… to seek and search…

On the spot A woman and her ten- years old son were riding a taxi in the city… it was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under shop tents or roofs… "Mom", said the boy, "What are all those women doing?". "They are waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied… The taxi driver turned around and said: "Geez lady! Why don‟t you tell him the truth? They are hookers, Boy! They have sex with men for money....". the little boy's eyes got wide and he said: "Is it true Mom?". His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered in the affirmative… After a few minutes, the boy asked: "so Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi driver…" she said…

Yes! Spontaneity simply means now here is nothing to hide… let your self-nature express itself… now your self-nature can sing its song… it can dance its dance…

Listen to your inner child and live in the kingdom of God… in this herenow… this is the language of being just yourself…

Sick leave Are you ill? How can you heal your pain? To be whole, is to be healthy… no health no wealth… to be whole… it means all the parts are in harmony, in accord… in tune with each other… it is an organic unity… to be ill means some parts are missing, non-functioning… the harmony is no more there… some trouble has arisen… the balance has been lost… illness belongs to the body not to the being… you are the master of your body… be aware of this truth…

The body's health and any pain… any illness is our own affair… You are your own doctor… you need not be much worried about… be a witness and take care of your body… it is your home… your temple, and go beyond…

The body is born… the body will die…but you are never born… never died… just visiting this planet… only witnessing is something absolutely eternal… everything else goes on changing… everything else is a flux…

So be aware of your being and your body and go beyond any bond… and keep being only a laughter and a light and life…

Yes! I have a joke to share… what else can we do?

Final exam Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam… the last question was… Name seven advantages of mother's milk… Ah… what can they say…? One student, in particular, was hard to put to think of seven advantages… He Wrote: 1- It's a perfect formula for the Child… 2- It provides immunity against several diseases… 3- It is always the right temperature… 4- It is inexpensive… 5- It bodes the child to mother and vice versa… 6- It is always available as needed… And the student was stuck finally, in desperation just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote: 7- It comes in 2 attractive containers…

He got an A…

The cup is as good as the wine… have the best cup and wine… Enjoy drinking what you love… with what you love and live your life as an eternal celebration… enjoy all that life offers… this whole life is a gift of God…

Mr Fooool… I just got this from you dear friend… Golden rules Marriages are made in heaven… this is why we see so much thunder and lightning…

Marriage is grand and divorce is at least 100 grand…

When the man opens a door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is…

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one… the trouble starts when they try to decide which one…

Before marriage, a man will live awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he falls asleep before you finish…

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook… but the law allows one One wife and no wife happily permits another…

A man is incomplete until he is married… after that, he is finished… yes!

Marriage is the cause of divorce…

Do you marry me? No! And he lived happily ever after…

Commandment Do you like the Ten Commandments? Me too… there is no such rules… let us beak it all… a rule or a commandment is a dead thing and you are an alive being… just simply be aware of any saying… you have to look into things from your own awareness… You have to go into your being, alert, fully alert, and see what has to be done, and live through that understanding… that is the way of Transcendence... Yet, just for the fun of it listen to this joy… 1- Obey no orders expect those from within.. 2- The only God is life itself… 3- Truth is within, do not look for it elsewhere… 4- love is prayer.. 5- Emptiness is the door to truth, it is the means, the end, and the achievement.. 6- Life is here and now.. 7- Live fully awake.. 8- Do not swim, float.. 9- Die every moment so that you are renewed each moment.. 10- Stop seeking… that which is, is.. stop and see.

Seeking leads you astray… the more you seek, the more frustrated you feel… the more frustrated you feel, the more you seek… it becomes a vicious circle… seek and you will never find… do not seek, and it is there…

Joker Any moment is a joke… you are the joker… the dancer… the laughter… and also the blood pressure…why and how?

Listen…

Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs… And the lower body with a "P"... petticoat, pants, panties, pussy… no wonder men suffer from high BP… Blood pressure…

Me too I have a pressure… for sure we are pressed and repressed, but let us face this power… who is pushing me right now? Relax and take a deep breath… be grateful Mariam… I am still breathing… writing… reading… have all what I need for this day… am I sure I am going to breath few more words? No!! so why not enjoy this moment… this now at-one- ment with existence with wow!!!

So let us listen to our self… be with our word… but if you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep… Yes!!! Thank you for reminding me… it is a great commandment…

Married life is very frustrating… in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and she listens… in the second year, she speaks and he listens… in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen…

Life is a risk Let us play this disk…yes! Life is a constant change and this is the only challenge… it never comes to an end… Life has no security… it thrives in danger… it has no safety… it is possible only in danger… death is safe and secure… life is a laughter and in spite of all the danger and the anger… keep dancing the ups and downs and this is the secret of the dawn… let us go on moving into the unknown… The most fundamental lesson is that life is a pilgrimage… no beginning… no end… yes! They go on moving and we too… all nature is in us and with us… there are places where we can rest… but those are just a bridge… or a branch on the tree of life… we rest overnight and in the morning you and we and they… we have to move again… that is why life is eternal… no beginning and no end… we are life… no birth and no death…the more you risk, the more alive you are, and once we understand this grace out of meditative awareness, once we understand it, we are thrilled by the sheer of its possibility… life is a great mystery, a great miracle that we are living it… just Trust the Trust and surrender to this eternal Treasure…

What is your work? One day a fourth - grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living… all the typical answers came up, fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman… and so forth…

However, a little David was quiet so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he praised all works and replied: "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men, and they put money under his underwear… sometime, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all the night for money…"

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hardly set the other children to work on some exercises, and took little David aside to ask him: "Is that really true about you father?". "no", the boy said. He works for a Democratic National committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of other kids"…

Yes! He is right… "Priests and politicians are the mafia of the soul"…

Read this book when you can…

Where is my donkey? Everyone in the village got pilgrimage fever… and everyone got busy packing up some clothes and food for the road… all expect Nasrudin… who watched laboring away… Soon, all of the village… the men… women… and children… where heading out to Mecca... They were singing songs and shouting with great excitement about how they were off to meet God… they got about one mile away… when Nasrudin suddenly riding up on his donkey… shouting about some terrible emergency…

They caught the donkey and made him tell them what the problem was… "I am trying to find my donkey... Where is my donkey?" "Why… Nasrudin… you are sitting on top of your donkey…" answered the villagers. "Oh really, is that so? And why are you all going on a pilgrimage to find God? God is in our heart… very near, why go very far?". Truth is the winner… a diamond is a diamond, it may be lost in the mud, but it is not a mud… it has to be discovered… Truth is eternal… that which is eternal is true… don‟t cling to anything which is not eternal…

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot… yes a parrot…

There was a sign on the cage that said 5 dollars… why so little? She asked the shop owner… "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff…"

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway… she took it home, and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something…

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam…". The woman was a bit shocked at this implication… "New house new madam!!". But then she thought: "that's really not too bad". When her two teenage daughters came home, the bird said: "new house, new madam, new girls…". The girls and the mom were a bit offended but then began to laugh and wonder how and where had been raised this parrot.. Moments later, the woman's husband… Keith came home from work… The bird looked at him and said "hi Keith". What else can the parrot project? What else can we project? Yes! It was an injection. Yes! We love to laugh, is it a release.

Yes! We love to laugh… it is a release… A wise man once sat in the audience and cracked a joke… All laughed like crazy… after a moment, he cracked the same joke again, and a little less people laughed this time. He cracked the same joke again and again, when there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said… "When you can't laugh on the same joke again and again… then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?".

Why we are attached to misery? Why we are begging attention? Why this drama queen? This emotion is the cause of our poverty… of our ignorance and our pain… we are dead… Jesus is saying… let the deads burry the deads.

When are we going to wake up? If not now when? If not you and me, who else? I am responsible for my life and for my body… and I know the key for this grace…

Relax… take a deep breath and keep breathing such deep breath few times a day… few minutes of breathing will open many closed doors in our divine body… the journey is to go in… in is our only inn... Our only pilgrimage…

Country Doctor A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring... The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor…

At the first house, a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach".

The older doctor says: "Well, you have probably been overeating the fresh fruit… why not cut back the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said: "You didn‟t even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?". So the doctor answered: "I didn't have to, you noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor here? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen bananas peels in the trash… that was what probably was making her sick… and the young doctor got it too…

Arriving at the next house, the woman complained that her energy is weak… "You have been doing too much work for the church…" said the younger doctor… as they left, the elder doctor asked him: "How did you arrive at it..."

"I did what you did at the last house… I dropped my stethoscope, and I bent and saw the preacher under the bed"… You must have noticed how we are addicted to work… we have filled our life with tension and only tension…

"Do or die"… is our slogan… not "be or not to be"… no being anymore, but doing… our life became a workshop… and shop until you drop… from a mall to another mal… is this our life? Work for what? Why do we work? Why not worship? Why not celebrate? Why not dance? We have all what we need. Why greed?

Take a deep breath, and live this now with a great grace… A great bliss… if this is my last day or last hour!!! What do I do? So do it… just be still and know that we are one with this mystery… one with God… one with… this Godliness… this existence… so why worry? Life is only a joke… a laughter…

If we are alive now... we know that no death… no sin… no guilt… just eternal life… we are crossing a bridge of light… from life to life is our eternal mystery… why worry? Why build homes on the bridges? No homes any more only… from office to office. Just relax now and rest and enjoy this moment and love yourself…

The more we use our head… the more we walk on our head… listen to this logic…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else… one day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you 100$ if you let me screw you", but the girl said no. The he said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up… ". She thought for a moment, and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… so she called him and told him the story… her

boyfriend said: "Ask him for 200$, pick up the money very fast, he wont even be able to get his pants down".

So she agrees and accepts the proposal… half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call… Finally, after an hour, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened… she responded: "The bastard used coins!"

So be aware of any reason from the head…

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it, and getting screwed…

So let us watch this reason…

A man asked to buy half a head of lettuce… the boy working in that supermarket told him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce… the man was insisted that boy ask the manager about the matter…

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added: "And this gentleman offered to buy the second half.". The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way… later the manager said to the boy: "I was so impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, you are so smart and very reasonable… where are you from?"

"New Zealand Sir…", the boy replied… "Why did you leave the country?" The boy said: "Sir, there is nothing but prostitutes and man… I mean all men or man only plays footballs…" "Is that right? My family is from there and so is my wife", said the manager…. "Really?", replied the boy, "for whom she play for?".

Yes my friend… me too I think I am very rational being… I never thought that I have or I had so many superstitions, which are solid evidence of the absence of reason… not the presence of the reason… A man of reason cannot have a belief in God… I don‟t believe in believing but I believe in knowing… water is not H2O… drink it… let the thirst know it by feeling it… by living it… life is an experience in us not an experiment in the lab… so how can I belief In God?? A man of reason cannot believe in heaven and hell… are you a Christian? Christ is not!! Are you Mohammedan?? Where is the reason? Millions of people are followers to such stupid superstitions… what is our birthright? Our nature? Just look at your reason… and you will feel a contempt for your reason… it is full of blind beliefs, unproved hypothesis… Yes! Yes! Inexperienced faith… without any proof… without any argument… we are carrying our religion, our philosophy, and we call it a reason!! And we are very happy to be in this ignorance… we are victims of victim… let us be aware of this and be a victor… be a rebel… wake up now… I am not a follower… I am a fellow traveler…

How old? A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his MDS diploma, which bore his full name. Oh! Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-hair boy with the same name had been in her high school class, nearly 40 years ago… "Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?" she thought… Upon seeing him, however she quickly discarded any such thought… this balding, grey-hair man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been her classmate… After he examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended Morgan High School… "Yes yes, I did”, he gleamed. "When did you graduate?" she asked. "in 1968, why do you ask?" he said. "You were in my class, the woman said. He looked at her closely… then that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, grey descript… so called son- of – a - bxxxx asked… "What did you teach us in that school?"

To grow old, is natural, but to grow up is optional… Make up or wake up… what is your cup??

Hahahaha Two Pakistanis, Zardari and Musharraf moved to Paris where they made friends with a French guy named Jean-Paul… They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day… JeanPaul disappeared…

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint… the police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Jean-Paul that would help find him… Zardari says: "Jean-Paul was handsome and tall". Police says… Most Frenchmen are like that… give us something specific… Musharraf says: "Jean-Paul had blue eyes and was very fair". Police says… "c'mon guys, lots of Frenchmen have blue eyes and fair hair, tell us something specific…". Zardari and Musharraf.. "Oh yes… Now we remember!! Jean-Paul had two holes in his ass".

The policeman get really interested… "Now that is something very specific… but tell us, how do you know this? have you guys seen it?" Zardari and Musharraf… "No we haven't actually seen the holes, but whenever we went with Jean-Paul, everyone used to say… "Here comes Jean-Paul with the two ass holes"…

Only a farm kid When you are from the country… your perception is a little bit different. A farmer, drove to a neighbour's farm house in his area and knocked at the door… A boy, about 9, opened the door… "Is your dad home?" said the farmer. "No mate, he isn't, he went to town." "Well, is your mother here?" "No, she went to town with dad". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No mate, he went with mom and dad". The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself… "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give you a message to my dad". "Well", said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad… it is about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant"… The boy thought for a moment… "You would have to talk to dad about that… I know he charges 500$ for the bull, and 50$ for the pig… but I don‟t know how much he charges for Howard!!"

Where is God Two little boys aged 8 and 10 are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their Town, the two boys are involved... The mother met a good preacher who can help them to be good… he agreed, but he asked to see them individually… The mother sent the 8 years old in the morning... The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger down and asked him sternly… "Do you know where is God, son?"… The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response sitting there wide-eye with his mouth hanging open… So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner voice "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer… the preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and asked "Where is God?"... The boy screamed and ran away from the room ran directly home and straight into his closet, slammed the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"... The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied "We are in a big trouble this time!" said with great fear… "God is missing, and they think we did it!!"

Why planning is important? One night, 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day… In the morning they thought of a plan… they made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt… they went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back, and they were in no way to appear for the test… So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days… they thanked him and said they would be ready by that time… On the third day, they appeared before the Dean... The Dean said that as this was a special test, all four were required to sit in separate rooms for the test... They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days… The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 marks… See below for the question paper… Q1 … your name… 2 marks Q2 … which tire burst? 98 marks A) front left B) front right C) back left D) back right

It is a true story…

What are we hideying? Getting a hairdryer through customs… a very distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her "Father, may I ask you a favor?". "Of course, my child…. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive ladies hairdryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I am afraid they'll confiscate it… is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you my dear, but must warn you, I will not lie…" "With your honest face father, no one will question you when they got the customs". She let the priest go ahead of her… the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head, down to my waist, I have nothing to declare". The official though this answer is strange… so he asked him, "and what do you have to declare from the waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date unused". Roaring with laugher, the official said "Go ahead Father, next…"

A guy went to the government to apply for a job… the interviewer asked him "Are you allergic to anything?" "Yes… to caffeine" "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes, I was in Iraq for two years"

"That will give 5 extra points toward work… are you disabled in any way?" "Yes… a bomb explode near me, and I lost both of my testicles…" The interviewer grimaced and then said… "Okay, you have enough points for me to hire you right now… our normal hours are from 7:30 am to 14:30 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 and starting at 10:00 everyday…" The guy was puzzles and asks… "If the work hours are from 7:30 am to 14:30 pm, why don't you want me to be here at time work? Why until 10:00 am?" This is a government job, the interviewer said… For the first two hours, we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls… no point in you coming in for that…"

Yes! No need to be fucked any more, the government is fucking us every day…

Are you a beggar or an emperor? It is our choice… Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome... One has a cross in front of him, the other one, the Saudi flag… Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put some money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross… The priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Saudi flag…

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Saudi flag and says, "My poor fellow, don‟t you understand? This is a catholic Country, this City is the seed of Catholicism… people are not going to give you money if you sit there with a Saudi flag in front of you, especially when you are sitting beside a beggar who has a cross… In fact, they would probably give to him of spite…" The beggar behind the 'Saudi flag' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said…

"Wleh Abed, look who's trying to teach Lebanese smart heads about marketing…"

Remember!!! No one can teach the fish how to swim!!!

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall… they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could more apart and then slide back together again…

The boy asked, "What is this father?" The father… never having seen an elevator said: "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life… I don‟t know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a bottom… the walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room … the walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially… They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and hen numbers began to light in the reserve order… Finally the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous 24 years – old blond stepped out… The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother…"

Yes! The treasure is in the doors!!! But which doors? Let us open our inner elevator… inner door has the only treasure….

Listen to the real word… A little boy was doing his math homework… he said to himself, "Two plus five the son of a bitch is seven… three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine…" His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework mom". "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition". The mother asked "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son on a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing... She answered, "What I taught them was, two plus tow the sum of which is four".

Yes my beloved reader… who Is not son of the bitch? Which is the bitch? Look at all the power people… the porno people… the priests and the politicians and much more… and we are the cause and the cure… let us be the change you want to see in the others…

Girl, crying again, sniff, sniff… A prostitute Daddy! "sniff, sniff"… "Oh!", be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl!! I thought ye said a Protestant… Come here and give yer old Daddy daddy a big hug…".

When money talks we all walks to welcome it without any language nor any grammar… nor any respect or any law… The power of money much more stronger than the love of any one… money talks, stupid walks… dear money is much more sweeter than dear honey…I am not against money… I am against moneymindness… I am not against possessions but against possessiveness… to be against money is stupid… but we don‟t see the distinction… without wealth all science will disappear… it is a currency… the more it moves the better… the richer we become…

Money is the blood of our society… our world… so don‟t be miser… use it or it will use you… use it before you lose it… Use any utility but don‟t forget your inner unity… look inside… and by and by you will see that the in and out meet and mingle and are one Treasure….

Yes! Me too I need a laughter… let us laugh and love…

The Irish prostitution An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year… upon her return, her father cursed and asked her "Where have you been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line… why didn‟t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother tru?" The girl crying, replied, sniff, sniff, "Dad, I became a prostitute…". "ye what? Out of here… ye shameless hard sinner! You are a disgrace to this catholic family, so ye are"… "Ok Daddy… as you wish… I just came back to give mommy this luxurious fur coat, for you, a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million $ cheque… For my little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex… and also for you daddy , the sparkling new Mercedes the best edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Lion's club… take a deep breath… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new Yacht in the Carribian and… " "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad…

Yes! Let us be rebel and travel…

MEA airline introduced a special package for Lebanese Businessman… Buy your ticket and get your wife's ticket free!! After collecting a number of free issued tickets, MAE realized a great success, so the company sent letters to all the wives asking them… How the trip had been for them… all gave the same reply… "What trip??"

We all fall in the trap… and if we ask why… so many dead mind words to give answers that are based on excuses… we use more and more the 'but' and 'if'…never get hooked by 'ifs' and 'buts' … make life simple, and without 'ifs' and 'buts' life is very simple… 'ifs' and 'buts' create a great complexity… why? Because we are the cause… we create our life trough thinking… not through feeling… the mind is the master not the heart… the servant became the master and I became the slave… I listen to the logic not to the love… love is God… logic is the law… if you say 'if', then there will be an 'if' … you are projecting it… don‟t project hesitations… man creates his own world by thinking about it continuously…

Let us listen to this politics.. politities disease.. A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a work…" The German doctor comments: "That is nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head… and in 4 weeks, she is looking for a work…" A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing neither… in Russia, we take out half of the heart from the person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work…" The USA doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues you are way behind us… in USA about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brain, no heart, no balls, we made him president of the United states, and now… the whole country is looking for work…"

It is a joke, but it is a smoke too... Go back to the flame and see the cause of the smoke… why so much homeless in America? Why so much wars since Adam and Eve? Who is responsible? Are you a pebble or a jewel? Are you a slave or a rebel? Let us be who we are!! Why fight when we can put light??

A maid is asking for more paid… more increase or I say the disease… I share it!!! So be aware my boss!! A maid asked for a pay increase… the wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise… She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Mam, there are three reasons why I want an increase… the first is that I iron better than you" Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husbands say so…" Wife: "Oh!" Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you". Wife: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did…" Wife: "Oh…" Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better at sex than you in bed…" Wife: "Really, (furious now), "Ah, did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Mam, your driver says…" Wife: "Ok, ok, so how much do you want…"

Ready to be paid… I mean paying!! I am ready for any addition and any attention… yes! Go on!! Let love be our only addiction…

Listen to this anecdote… An American in Paris asked a cabby to give him the address of a good brothel… he went there alone, selected his partner and ordered dinner... later that evening after satisfying his every whim, the thoroughly drained gentleman went downstairs and asked the Madam for his bill… "There is no charge Monsieur" said the lady o the house… Astonished, but not disposed to argue the matter, the gentleman departed… the next night he returned to the brothel and repeated his performance of the previous night… upon leaving this time however, he was shocked to learn that his bill was eight hundred francs… "Impossible", the American shrieked, "I was here last evening and I got everything and you did not charge me anything…" "Ah!" said the Madame," but last night you were on television". Yes, sometimes you may get something free, but be aware… you may be on television… in fact, there is nothing in life that you can get without paying for it… and you only get as much as you are ready to pay for… now you are ready to pay with your life... Your life is the only gift to get eternal life in return…

Nothing is free… nothing can be free…

Yes my beloved lover… I love you and send you many hugs and more kisses… A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India… "Dear Sunita Darling, my sweetheart… I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my company's performance, I mean our income was very low… so I am sending 100 kisses… you are my only sweetheart… please adjust… your loving husband, Tuna.”

His wife replied… "Tinku KE Pappa… Thanks for the 100 kisses… Below is the lost expenses I paid with the kisses… The milkman agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk… The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses… Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses… Supermarket owner did not accept only kisses, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand… Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses… so don‟t worry, I still have and I hope I can survive this month… shall I plan the same for the next month? Your sweet heart Kichi"

Yes! Let us travel together my beloved jewel… Johnny was talking to his travel agents…

Johnny tells the agent, "I am ready for a vacation… only this year; I'm going to do it a little differently… The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go… Three years ago you said go to Hawaii… I went to Hawaii and wife got pregnant… then two years ago, you told me to go the Bahamas and she got pregnant again… Last year you suggested Tahiti, and once again, she got pregnant…" The travel agent ask Johnny "So what are you going to do this year that is different?" Johnny smiles and says "This year I am taking my wife with me"

Change is great challenge and a great choice… let us live our choices… take your lover with you… me too… he she it is my only shift… from sadness to joy… from death to birth… he is alive in every word he says and in the gaps between the words…

Be sill and travel innnn… in is our only inn… Once you know yourself, you go beyond any self…

Then comes that moment… now… this nowness… this isness… is the search for our existence… who am I… this amness in us!! This suchness… This truth… this beyond and word and world is our only nowly search…

In Islam, is Lailaha illa lah… this seed is our need and greed and desire… this is the real death… from death to deathlessness… no birth and no death… truth is immortal… and we are the immortality of this divinity, now is the growing of this seed… it will die in the soil and become the tree of life… the roots and the fruits and the fragrance of our

grace and our choice… now is the time of our amness… of our uniquness… every one of us is a Christ and a Buddha and a prophet and beyond any label and any jewel…

How to be in the is, now? Just take a deep breath and relax… read any book that feeds you seed… I read only Osho… he she it is my only wing… my only wine… to help me go in and be in my inn… in my hell and in my heaven and be aware of my monkey mind and enjoy every joke and joy and juice it till the end… and every end is a new now… so let us read what we need and let us search for a soul friend… we are alone but not lonely… only one friend will open up our wings and we fly high in our inner-outer sky, and enjoy this new now every now and then… the book is my best stick to help me climb up and look and search for you my beloved us…

Yes! Let us share what we know about now… This now is our VOW & WOW, but it is in constant change… so accept it as it is… be with it… the river is rivering… is not a noun but an activity, a creativity… and this present is flowing through us… we are the flute… we are the servant of this moment… this at-one-ment…

Now… begins the enquiry into Godliness… this now is very significant… it simply says "You have lived a life of illusions… now begins the search… you have lived a life of worldly pleasure, pain, misery, problems... You have searched in many directions and you have found nothing… now begin the enquiry into God… you have lived through the ego, you have lived through the self and you are tired… you have come to a cul de sac and there is nowhere to go any more… now is the time… you have accumulated money, you have power, you have fame… but nothing has been of any fulfillment… now, begin the real search…"

Thank you beloved Master for this saying… yes! I am lost in lust and dust and it is meant to be… search cannot start from the

beginning… that's not possible… a child cannot inquire into God… he has first to inquire into life… he has to go astray… every Adam has to go astray… every child born of human beings has to lose God, has to go far away… only then, when darkness becomes too much, anguish too heavy, and the heart starts sinking, does one start thinking of doing something utterly different from the past…

Yes my friends… yesterday is a history… tomorrow is a mystery… now is the only present… open it and enjoy it… Yesterday should be dropped so you can be here and now… A carried past creates problems… the problem is not what I said yesterday or what I am saying now, the problem is that we carry yesterday and we miss today…

There is no past and no future… only this moment…

One woman was asking another "Why have you left your boyfriend? What happened? I had been thinking that you were engaged and that you were going to be married… what happened?" The woman said: "Our religions are different, and that's why we have broken up…" The questioner was puzzled because she knew that both were Catholics, so she said, "What do you mean by saying that your religions are different?". The woman said: "I worship money and he is broke." Her now is in the mind of money… this is her feeling… her goal…

What is my now with? Do I know it? It is a constant change… the river of now is rivering and the total trust in trusting the existence… take a deep breath… this is our bliss…

Nobody is sure about any insurance… be yourself… this is the first and the best step towards love and life… if you don‟t love yourself, how are you going to love others? By knowing the love you share what you know…

Nobody has to believe in believing, but everyone has to know the knowing… don‟t talk about water… just share it… I am sure you have it…

Insurance agent: "Sir, we also do penis insurance…" Customer: you replace it with a new one?" Agent: "No Sir, once it doesn't work, we ensure free service to your wife".

A man receives a phone call from his doctor… the doctor says: "I have some good news and some bad news…" The man says: "Okay, give me the good news first…" The doctor says: "The good news Is, you have 24 hours to live…" The man replies: "Oh no! if this a good news, then what is the bad news?" The doctor says: "The bad news, excuse me I forgot to call you yesterday"…

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery… He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic Hospital… As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment… she asked: "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance!". The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" "No money in the bank!" "Do you have a relative who could help you?" "I only have an unmarried spinster sister who is a nun" The nun became agitated and angry and said loudly… "Nuns are not spinsters!... nuns are married to God… to Jesus Christ!" The patient replied… "Perfect fact and act… send the bill to my brother- in- law…"

His truth is different from her truth… he is down to earth… she is up to heaven… but the same dance… the same choice… let go and let God pay… he is our father and the richest on this planet… look how many temples!!! Let him pay our bill and our pill…

Learn to like the now as it is… One has to learn to like that which is happening… This is maturity… love it and like it and relax into it… when sometimes intensity comes, love it, when it goes, say goodbye… things change… life is a flux… nothing remains the same… no good and bad, both are gifts from God…

One should be so grateful that whatsoever happens, one is grateful, thankful… just enjoy it… every now has a new joy…. Live the moment… sometimes it is hot, sometimes very cold… but both are needed… otherwise life will disappear… It lives in polarities…

So let this be our meditation whatsoever happens, like it… give it a try… and fly… yes! Fly high in your inner sky… ask your spirit… what can I do to help myself to be my real self? Why I am here? What is my role in life? What can I share? Who am I makes a difference!!!

Let us share a joke… a laughter is a treasure to open up our inner lecture… inner light… innernet… if we are happy, we don‟t go to war… we don't kill… we live this now with understanding… and the gate for this grace is meditation… be in the awareness… share every moment… this is who we are… this is our birth right… Let us share few smiles and laughers that open up our energy source, and be aware of our own treasure… our own nature and nurture…

The best excuse The wife came home and saw her man with a very young woman in bed… and shouted… "I want a divorce right now". "Hang on just a minute… let me tell you the story… I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift… she told me that she is hungry… so I brought her home and warmed up the food I cooked for you last night, and you did not eat it… then she needed a good clean up… I suggested a shower and I saw her old and dirty clothes, so I threw them away and gave her the dress which you don‟t wear because I don‟t have good taste…

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don‟t wear… and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don‟t wear because someone at work has the same... And she was grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes, and said… "Please, do you have anything else that your wife does not use…"

Unfaithful wife A man returning home one day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport… it was after midnight… while en route to his home, he asked the taxi man if he would be a witness… the man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act… for 100$ the cabby agreed…

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom… the husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man… The husband put a gun to the naked man's head… the wife shouted… "Don‟t do it… this man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money… he paid for your car… for our new home… for our new furniture… for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!!!" Shaking his head from side- to- side, the husband slowly lowered the gun… He looked over at the cab driver and said: "What would you do?" The cabby said: "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold"…

Wife from hell A police officer pulls over a speeding car… the office says: "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour sir". The driver says: "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating… not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don‟t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn‟t have cruise control…" As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and groans: "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"

The wife smiles and says: "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when It did or your speed would have been higher…" As the officer makes out the second "officer offer" I mean the ticket for the illegal radar, the man shouted at his wife: "Woman! Can‟t you keep your mouth shut!!!" The officer frowns and says: "And you are not wearing your seat belt… that's an automatic 75$ fine!". The driver says: "Yeah, well I had it, but I took it off to pull out my license of my back pocket…" The wife says: "My dear, you know well that you never wear your seat belt while you are driving…" As the officer is writing the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks: "Will you please shut up!!!". The officer looks at the woman and asks: "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he is drunk…". Yes! "When he's been drinking", she said…

Crazy funeral A man was leaving the drug store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a very unusual funeral procession… A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about a 50 feet behind the first… Behind the second coffin, was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line… the man could not stand his curiosity… he approached the man walking with the dog, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line… whose funeral Is it?" The man replied: "Well, the first coffin is for my wife". "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered: "My mother- in – law… she was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also". A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men… Then the first one asks in excitement: "Can I borrow the dog?". The man replied: "Please join the queue".

Marriage 40 years of marriage A married couple in their early 60s , was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, in a quiet romantic little restaurant… suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table… she said: "For being such an exemplary married couple, and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish…" The wife answered: "Oh! I want to travel around the world with my darling husband…." The fairy waved her magic wand, and – poof! Tow tickets with all what she need appeared in her hands… The husband thought for a moment… "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again… I am sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me…" The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy waved her magic wand, and – poof! The husband became 92 years old… The moral of this story… Men who are ungrateful bastards, should remember – fairies are female… be aware of your wish… wash…

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers… "Hello, Mrs Sally, please" "Speaking" "This is doctor Jones at Saint Mary Laboratory… when you husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Wood arrived as well… the same names… we are now

uncertain which one belongs to your husband… Frankly, either way the results are not good" "What do you mean?". Mrs Wood asks nervously… "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV… we can't tell which is which… the same names" "That‟s dreadful, can you do the test again?" asks Sally "Normally we can but the Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once" "Well, what I am supposed to do now?" "The Medicare help desk recommended that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of the town… if he finds his way home, don‟t sleep with him…"

Yes… so simple… why worry… change is the choice… what a great chance!

A man and his wife were having dinner in an elegant restaurant… a beautiful young woman enters the restaurant, goes directly to the man and gives him a long, sweet kiss… She said she'll meet him later and left the restaurant… His wife looked at him with anger in her eyes, and asked: "Will you tell me who is she?" "Who is she? Well she is my mistress" "I want a divorce" "Listen, I understand your reaction but you must realize that if we divorce, you will no longer travel, no more shopping in the boutiques of Paris, no more winter holidays to the beaches, no more summer holidays

in the Rocky Mountains, no Porsche and No Jaguar… no more Yacht club… no more Rolex… just think… it's your decision and I respect it"…. At the same time, a friend of the couple enters the restaurant with a beautiful woman… "Who is this woman with Jack?" asked the wife. "That is his mistress" replied the husband… The wife replied… "Ours is prettier"…. There is always a cure for any pain… no pain, no gain….

We are good in making a living, but not in living… what is life for

you?

A man was walking down the street, when he was stopped by a dirty homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner… The man took out his wallet, picked ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money will you buy some beer with It instead of dinner?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago", said the homeless. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" "No, I don‟t waste time fishing… I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive…" "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" "Are you nuts? I haven't play golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" "Well, I am not going to give you the money… but I am going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife"

"Won‟t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I am dirty, and I smell disgusting and I look as you see me…" The man replied: "That's okay… it is important for her to see what a man looks like after he has giving up beer, fishing, golf and sex"….

What is the difference between biology and sociology? When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology… but when he looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology…

A man went on a safari with his wife and his mother- in – law… One day he was laying in his tent when he heard a cry from his wife… he jumped up to see mama- in- law shaking her fist at a huge lion who was standing five feet away from her… ready to move… "Do something", bagged his wife in alarm… "Why should I? That lion got himself into this mess… let him get himself out of it"…

Mr. Fungus is sitting around the kitchen reading the newspaper… his wife, Olga, is getting very bored and frustrated… "Hey Fungus, will you take me to the zoo?" Says Olga… "No, sweetheart, anyone who wants to see you can come here"…

The doctor comes out of Mr Rizoto's bedroom and says… - Frankly, Mrs Rizoto, I don‟t like the way your husband looks

at all

- Nor do I, she replies but he is nice to the kids….

Woman without her man is nothing…. How do we punctuate it? Men: woman without her man, is nothing… Women: woman without her, man is nothing….

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping… When men are depressed, they go to war. They invade another country…

Q: what is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: your salary, it comes once a month, last about few days, and if it does not come… it means you are fucked up…

Doctor: you look so weak and exhausted… are you having 3 meals a day as I have told you? Wife: doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day…

Qualities to be a perfect wife: beautiful, responsible, energetic, adorable, sweet, trustful, self-organized… In short, she most have good B.R.E.A.S.T

100

Let us play husband and wife…. "Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes"…

A man in hell asked a devil: Can I make a call to my wife? After the call, he asked how much to pay Devil: nothing, hell to hell is free

Husband: do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, without information, fighting every time… Wife: no darling, it means, with idiot for ever….

Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace… here are some sleeping pills!!! Wife: when must I give them to him? Doctor: they are for you….

Wife: what will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest? Husband: a lovely push…

101

To have the last word with a woman… apologize…. Society put rules... we don‟t belong to any rules nor rulers... Golden Rules for F***ing 1- F***ing once a week is good for your health but it‟s harmful if done everyday... 2- F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind, body, and soul... 3- F***ing refreshes you... 4- After F***ing don‟t eat too much go for more liquids... 5- Try to do F***ing in bed because it can save your valuable energy... 6- F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level...

Sooo, Fasting is very good for our health... God bless our dirty mind...

Wife: I wish i was a newspaper, so i would be in your hands all day... Husband: i too wish that you were a newspaper, so i could have a new one everyday... Change is a constant law...

102

Let us ring some bells I said bells not belly... but let us go for our belly too... and the voice and whatever flow from our glow... we all have a belly and in the far east they all have said that the belly is the source of life... you were joined to your mother from the navel... it is from there that life started pulsating... You and your brain are two things... Jesus said... give me your heart... the truth is in the core of your being... so the brain is your machinery...

Yes... use your intellect but it is very limited... intuition is infinite... it comes from the belly... this is the light... the hara... the life center... But wrong idea entered into our mind and that was to have a small flat belly and a very protruding chest... the idea came from the body of the lion... the lion has a very small belly and a very big chest... somehow the human ego got identified with the lion.. he is the king of the animals... but he lives on one meal a day and eats only meat... man is a vegetarian... he is not... if you eat meat, it is a dead food... it is already digested food... but we are so ignorant... we are victims of victims...

Everybody has been taught to pull the belly in and not breathe from the belly, but from the chest... just like mister universe look... a new look... they are ill people they are not natural... they are ugly... why try to be like animals?

So man destroyed his very system of breathing... and then woman got the idea that better to have big breasts and a small belly... What is your choice? To be a belly or a human being? Take a deep breath and be a blessing... bliss is us...

103

Once someone requested Mulla Nasrudin: “Give me your ring as a memento... so that whenever i look at it i will remember you...” Mulla replied: You can‟t have the ring... but if you want to remember me just look at your finger that will tell you the truth...you will remember that i did not give you the ring...”

You are the sign of your source... of our voice... not the body but your being... you are the word... say it and you will get it...

A Russian housewife... is the envy of all her neighbors, because she always has a plentiful supply of fresh vegetables and fruits... One day, one of her neighbours is visiting her... tell me, Comrade Olga, asks the neighbour... how do you manage it?? It is quite simple, explains Olga, i have a parrot which i have trained to speak... whenever i go to the market, the parrot sits on the handle of my shopping cart... I leave the cart in the middle of the market and when the parrot starts shouting... “Long live communism” every one throws at it whatever they can get their hands on!!

Yes my friends... the ultimate experience is certainly the same... but the paths are millions...

104

Where is your organ? Salvator goes to see his doctor because his wife keeps on having children... Doctor Fig gives him a condom and tells him to follow the instructions and his wife will have no more children... A Month later, Salvator is back.. “My wife is pregnant again.” “Did you follow the instructions like I said?” “Sure doc... it says stretch it over the organ before the intercourse, well, we no have organ, so i stretch it over my violin...” He is a smart man, but the mind is the cause... you are not seeing that which is, you are seeing that which you want to see... your mind is a projector... so the mind is misunderstanding... it simply means that what exists is not known by you... organ or violin... are cousins...

Two middle aged ladies live together in a big house, with only a female cat for company... No need to any male in the house and they even keep the cat in the house for the same reason... But finally one of them gets married and goes for her honeymoon... a few days later, the other lady receives a post card from her friend... All it says is “Let the cat out!!”

105

Fulfillment Let us fulfill our needs... our desires... our greeds... our lusts... our love... feel your choice... unless i am full i can‟t be the flute... and no ones knows what is my now only me... every now is a new step in the new riviering... a new stepping... so be aware of this walking... be aware and awake... take a deep breath... every breath is a birth and death... so be aware that you are not filled with straw, you are filled with your own awareness... you are not filled with furniture, cars, houses, money, and other nonsense... you are just filled with your being, the sheer am-ness, the sheer existence... and then ultimately a moment comes when one simply sits with no object of love, simply loving... not loving to somebody... just loving... and that is the greatest day in one‟s life... when you can feel nothing is missing, nothing at all... you search and you cannot find, all is fulfilled... this is what super consciousness is or enlightenment... or innocence... one is fulfilled, is at home... otherwise we are still wasting a golden opportunity...

The lady walked up to the policeman and said... “Officer, that man on the corner is annoying me...” I had been watching up the whole time, and that man on the corner was not even looking at you...” said the officer... “Well... is... isnot that annoying my feeling?” Said the woman...

106

Hear all the story... One mooring at the breakfast table, little Ernie, says to his mom... “Mummy, yesterday when you were at work, Dady took the maid upstairs to the bedroom and...” His mother interrupts him and says... “Ernie, tonight at dinner time i want you to tell this whole story when your father is here...” So that might at dinner his mother says... “Now dear Ernie i want you to repeat what you told me this morning...” “Well Mun, when you work at work, Dady took the maid up to the bedroom and did the same thing you and the milkman did last week…‟

Miss sexy‟s class goes for a picnic in the wook... after all the kids have drunk lots of juices and lemonades... several of the girls went to the bushes to pee and there is trouble with the little boys looking around for the same reason... little Jon walks in amongst the girls pulls out his pepe and pees... it was normal and without any trouble... “WOW” says little sally, really impressed... “That‟s a handy thing to bring on a picnic...!!”

107

My Body The body is the gift from God... enjoy it... love it... take care of it... it is my only home... my only temple... the body never creates any problems it is the mind who does all the problems... no animal suffers from any idea about the body... just drop the ideal... love your body and be grateful to this gift... A Texan in England enters a crowded railway carriage... he finds that the only empty seat is occupied by a mean looking dog owned by a fat red faced woman... He asks politely if the dog can sit on the floor instead of the seat... “You leave my dog alone...” she shouts... The Texan searches the whole train and no empty seat to put his body on... so he comes back and throws the dog out of the window... the woman freaks out... “Are you all going to sit here and allow an American to treat an English lady with her dog like this..?” One man said... “The Americans are all crazy Madam, they hold their fork in the wrong hand, they drive on the wrong side of the road and now this idiot has gone and thrown the wrong bitch out of the window..!!” Yes! This is a great way to share the truth in a beautiful cup... she needs to wake up!!

108

Wake up It is only a question of remembering that you can wake up... nothing else is needed, no other effort, no method, no technique, no path... just remember that i am here not to dream... i want to be awake... once you know this key... you are no more living in misery… and no one can take away from you… unless you decide not to create it any more... my hell is my work... i am the doer... it is my self-creation... in a single moment you can be aware and awake!

A catholic priest visited a brothel and instead of paying, he was given ten dollars... the priest told the cardinal and sure enough, the next day the cardinal goes to the same brothel and he was paid one hundred dollars... Oh! What a good luck... so he runs off to tell the pope about this incredible deal... The next night, the pope sneaks down to the red light district and finds the same place... and when he was finished he got a thousand dollar check... just a minute cries the pope... this is unbelievable... how come you pay the customers here? Well says the madam... it is like this... we got a great photograph of the priest in action, we made a great movie out of the cardinal and right now you are appearing live on our satellite television...” Everything helps you to grow in your own ways... be awake!!!

109

What is your goal? The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat to her friend... “It was nice of your husband to buy you that beautiful coat...” said the friend... “He had to” replied the woman... “I caught him kissing the maid..” How terrible, said the friend... did you fire her? Not yet, i still need a new car...

A young woman went into a bank and asked the clerk for change of a one hundred dollar bill... she handed over the note but the clerk took one look at it and said... “I am sorry miss... but this one hundred dollar bill is a joke...” “Oh, my God!” cried the miss... “I have been raped...”

Mr. Winter, the farmer, takes his small son, Spring, to market one day... Winter, goes to look at the cows and pulls their skin gently... “Why do you do that dad?” “Well, you see, son... if you want to buy a cow that is the best way to see if she is healthy... A few days later, Winter is out in the fields when Spring comes running up and says... “Dad, there is a travelling salesman in the kitchen and I think he want to buy Mom...”

110

Children You are not to teach children religion and morality you are to learn from them because they are far closer to God than you are... they have come just now from God‟s home... they are still carrying the fragrance... you have forgotten completely, they have not yet forgotten... it will take time for them to forget... it will take them time to forget and be conditioned by us... we are all victims of victims... but children are new editions of consciousness... they are fresh bliss of divinity into life... let us be aware of this grace and respect and understand this mystery...

Be aware! When you are alone and you feel lonely... you fall in love... and more lonely... so let us have a child... now the third person is even more dangerous... you never know what type of child will enter you and what is going to happen... it is a blind game... so let us be aware of this game!! Be alone but live and love your alones... you are not alone... go in... listen to your silence... your stillness...

Your existence... who are you? Why you are here?? First you escape from yourself, fall in love, then relationship become heavy... you want to have a child so that you can escape into the child, so you can forget about the husband and you can live through the child and you can hope and dream through the child... that is again an escape... every child is born in such a great energy... but no child is interested in money, because no child is foolish... no child is interested in being the president of a country or the prime minister, because no child is so stupid... His interests are far more natural... he is interested in the flowers, in the butterflies; in the pebbles on the seashore... he is interested in dancing under the stars... in dancing in the wind... in the sun... in climbing the trees and the mountains... in swimming...

111

His interests are totally different, but we direct all his energies... we say... “No need to climb the tree, no need to climb the mountain... climb the ladder of success...” Success is the only failure... it is an absolutely mediocre process... be more rich than the others... be competitive... be jealous... be possessive... fight for things which are meaningless... then you lose your joy... then you lose your laughter... then life seems more like a nightmare than like a beautiful joke...

Every child has his own destiny... we are not to force anything on him... love him as much as you can but don‟t give him your thoughts to him ... you can persuade but not by force... but by respect... by dancing with... by sit in silence with... let up play with them... we are here to play prayfuly...

Love him and allow him to be a little meditative, and existence will take care of the rest... just take the first step and this is the whole trim...

Next now comes from this now...

112

Who are our children? Three old Jewish mothers meet at a party in New York... There is nobody like my Son, says the first... every winter he buys me a new coat... That is nothing says the second... my son takes me to the best travel agent in the town every year and arranges the summer vacation of my choice... That is all rubbish, laughs the third... my son goes to the most expensive psychiatrist in the whole world and all he does is talk about me!!

The little boy comes back from his first day at school... his mother greets him and says... “Well Tomy... did you learn much on your first day at school?” “Not enough I guess” Said Tomy... sadly, “I have to go back tomorrow...”

The little Mary comes back from her first day at school... her mother greets her and says... “Well Mary... did you learn anything today at school?” “Yes... I learned that my name is not don‟t”

Let us be aware when we say... don‟t do this!!! Don‟t do that!! Don‟t go there!!! Don‟t eat this!!!

113

Mr and Mrs Fake decided the only solution to their marital problems was in divorce... so they went to the rabbi who was concerned about the three children and a broken family so he advised them saying... “Well, there is no way of dividing three children... what you will do is live together on more year... will be much better with the fourth child and then it will be easy to arrange a proper divorce, you will take two children and he will take two...” “Nothing will do rabbi” said Mrs Fake... “If I had depended on him... I would not even have had these three children...”

The Sunday teacher asked her little students... “Please name any of the Ten Commandments...” Little Albert stood up and said proudly... “Thou shall not Omil adultery”

The Sunday school teacher Miss Holynose asks the kids “Now, how many of you children would like to go to heaven?” Everybody shoots up their hand except for one little girl... “Come on Sally” says the teacher... “Don‟t you want to go to heaven?”

“Sure I want to go to heaven replies Sally looking around... but not with these guys!!”

114

Fear When there is fear, be afraid... Why create duality? Be a unity… when moments of fear comes… be fearful, tremble with fear, allow fear to take possession… why ask "what to do?"

Can't you allow life in any way to take its way… its play… When love comes, be loving… allow it to hug you... When fear comes, allow it to bug you… tremble like a leaf in a strong wind… and it will be beautiful... When it will be gone, you will feel so serene and calm, as when a strong storm passes by… everything is left calm and quiet after it…

Fear is natural… A man without fear, he is dead… or foolish and stupid… if a snake will be on the road, and you are there what do you feel? Fear!!! Yes! Because you are alive… Fear is part of your intelligence… nothing is wrong in it… fear is part of our death… we are here for few moments… a few days more and we will be gone… In fact, because of Fear, man has been in deep search for God… search for religion… no animal is religious because they have no fear… not aware of death… Man is aware of death…

Allow fear… and watch it… enjoy it… and in that watching you will transcend it… The storm passes by but be aware, be watchful… witness… Somewhere deep within you, is a centre which is untouched… the centre of the cyclone…

Let thy will be done…

La Ilaha Illa Lahu

115

Nothing is alive, only God… only existence… only love… only compassion… only when you attain to that, you will attain to fearlessness…

This fearlessness is a great light… a great grace… it is a realization that we are two... You are two… a part of you will die, and a part of you is eternal…

That part which dies will always be afraid… and the part that is not going to die, which is immortal… for it, there is no point in being afraid… then a deep harmony exists… you can use fear for meditation… use all that you have for meditation… so that you go beyond… beyond all dimensions… So when fear comes, face it. Be face to face with it… gaze into the valley of fear… but by and by, the more your eyes become clear, the more your awareness becomes alert, the more your focus is there, the fear will go… Will disappear like a mist… like a cloud… and suddenly you are deathless… you are the richest… you are the eternal power… you are God… "Be still and know that I am God".

I asked the Lord for a bunch of fresh flowers, but instead he gave me an ugly cactus with many thorns… I asked the Lord for some beautiful butterflies, but instead he gave me many ugly dreadful worms… I was threatened… I was disappointed…I mourned…

But after many days, suddenly… I saw the cactus bloom many beautiful flowers… and those worms became beautiful butterflies flying in the spring wind… God's way is the best way… let us trust existence… let go and let God…

116

Let us face our fear, with a smile… The bank robbers rush into the bank and order all the customers and clerk to get behind the corner… then they tell everyone to take off their clothes and lie face down on the floor… One nervous and fearful woman clerk pulls off her dress and lies down face up… "Turn over Gloria" whispers her friend, "this is a robbery not an office party"…

The president of Russia asked a little kid… - Who is your great lover, just like your father? - The president of my country is my father … - What is your wish - To be an orphan…

Big Miss Baloni gets into a taxi one night in downtown New York… after riding a while, she suddenly realizes that she has forgotten her purse and has no money to pay the fare… the meter reads ten dollars when she cries… "Hey Mista driver, you better stop because I can no pay you"… "Oh that is all right. I will just pull into this little street, just get in the back seat with you, and I take off your panties…" said the driver. "Wait", interrupt the lady, "Mista, you gonna get bad deal… my panties only cost a forty nine cents"…

117

A girl ran into a police station screaming: "I've been graped… I've been graped…" "Yo, woman, you mean you've been raped" said the policeman. "No, I've been graped… there was a bunch of them… a group of them" she cried..

One drunk said to another…. "Are you a man or a mouse?" "I am a man… if I were a mouse, my wife would be afraid of me"….

118

Celebration Celebration is the foundation of freedom... is the rejoicing in all the beauties, all the joys... all that life offers... because this whole life is a gift of God...

The word life is living within us and without us... in trees... in the clouds... in the stars... this whole existence is a dance... a dance of life... Everything has to be lived and loved... all is sacred... from the body to the soul... all is divine... the poets... the musicians... the dancers... are closer to life than the philosophers... they are part of the mystery not part of the history... they are no more with the ego... they laugh and they live the now with a great wow...

So when you celebrate you celebrate all, you don‟t divide... all is divine... the church and the pub are one...

Celebration unites and in this unity is our divinity... and celebrate in your own way... your own breath is your own path... every breath is a path... because celebration cannot have any form... let us dance... and play music... and write poetry... and do what we love and love what do...

love is the way to life...

A monk died and went to heaven and read the word... celebrate... “Oh! I missed the letter R... life is not to be celebate but a celebrate...”

Yes! Be aware of your eyes! Read what love is telling you... what your body is telling you... listen to yourself not to the others... nothing is

119

good or bad... all is one... let every work be our worship... our prayer... our celebration... Do what you love and money will follow... see the beauty in every step... One day while studying the alphabet... the teacher looked at her small students and asked... “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter A? All the children raised their hands... but she wouldn‟t call on Jonny Badmouth... she called Billy... “Apple”... “Very Good... and who can tell a word with letter B?” She refused to call on Johnny Badmouth because he will say bastard... she called on Mary... “Boat” “Very good...” and so on through all the letters... “And who can tell me a word with the letter R?” many raised their hands... but she racked her brain... could not think a single dirty word that starts with R... and she asked Johnny... “Rats” he said and raised his hands to demonstrate... “Big Fucking Rats!”

David and Dora are celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary by going to see a movie... It is a hot steaming passionate film, when they get home... that night Dora snuggle up close to David but he ignores her... Why is it that you never make love to me like that in the movie? Here i am but you are not in love with me!!! Don‟t be stupid snaps David... do you know how much do they pay for those guys for doing it?

120

Mother superior is talking to three teenage girls who are about to leave her orphanage... “You are going into a wicked world! Men will try to take advantage of you... they will buy you drinks, take you to their apartments and do bad things to you... then they will give you twenty dollars and kick you out” “Excuse me Holy Mother...” says one of the girls... “But do you mean these men will take advantage of us and give us money?” “Yes my child,” sighs the nun... “Why do you ask?” “Well,” replies the girl “The priests only give us candy or an icon.”

So watch out what do you get in and out!!!

Barbara Bigbag has been to market and is walking home carrying a duck... A drunk comes staggering along in the other direction, stops and says... “Hey, what are you doing with that pig?” Barbara looks at him coldly and replies this is not a pig... it is a duck!” “Yes i know,” Says the drunk, “I was talking to the duck.”

Abraham Grossman, the rich young bachelor, is entertaining a gorgeous woman, Gloria, with dinner in his great house... As his Chinese servant pours the coffee... Gloria asks “Wu, how do you make such delicious coffee?”

121

“Me talke plenty boiled water...” explains Wu “And stir in coffee, velly, velly slow...” “Yes,” says Gloria... “But it is so clear... how do you strain it so clearly?” “Me take master‟s silk socks...” begins Wu... “What? Shouts Grossman... you take my best silk socks to strain the coffee?” “Oh, no... Master,” replies Wu, “Me... me.. never take master‟s clean socks...”

122

Lies Truth came for the chosen few... it is our choice... but the masses live in lies, all kinds of lies... and a lie become truth... You believe in hell, have you ever thought it is a lie? You believe in heaven... you believe in many things... only lies given by others to you... those who have power... their whole power depends on lying... Truth is humble, not powerful... lies become very powerful, very competitive... lies are all politicians, struggling, fighting... trying to prove that “I am the truth..”

Knowledge is nothing but lies you have collected from others... remember, unless something is of your own experience it is a lie... truth has to be your own authentic experience...

We live in lies and we talk about the truth... and we are not aware of this game... it has become our habit... to smile is a lie... our whole energy is invested in lies so we have no more energy left for truth...

People go on searching for truth and they go on pouring their energy into lies... that contradiction should no more be allowed... watch yourself... by inventing lies we have more knowledge that nobody else has it... and it always bring joy to people when they can befool others, then they know... they are wiser than others... this is an ego trip... the ego is the greatest lie in the world...

The ego always feels good whenever it can feel special... whether the other is believing it or not... if the other is believing, at least for the moment it looks like the truth... and when you create many believers in you, it gives you power... Truth needs no believers...

123

First: when you are lying to somebody, if you become aware, immediately, in the middle of it, ask to be forgiven tell him... “This was a lie, and i was getting into my old trick again... forgive me please...” it will be hard, but there is no other way... just watch your mind... your ego your lie... when a habit has become very deep rooted... it has to be hammered... Second: become aware when you are just preparing to tell a lie... it is just on the lips... just on your tongue stop it then and there... absorb it then and there... And third: become aware when a lie starts arising in your feelings... in the heart... If you can create these three steps of awareness, and you can... yes i can... then lying disappear and the truth appear and arrives... and truth is the only thing worth seeing and searching for, because truth liberates...

Truth cannot be taught... nobody can give you the truth... it has to be discovered within your own soul...

Mr Doubt gets the feeling that his wife is cheating on him, so he hires Mr Pickle, the private detective, to follow her... Pickle has instructions to make a video film of all his wife‟s suspicious activities... A week later, pickle reports... “Here it is!!” He says... “All the evidence in living color and with your best friend too!” They watched the movie together... the wife and the best friend are having lunch, swimming, dancing, walking and laughing in the countryside, making love under the Pine trees... “I can‟t believe it! I just can‟t believe it” Says Mr Doubt... “You better believe it, the evidence is all here!”

124

That is not it Mr Pickle, i just can‟t believe my wife can be so much fun!”

She is fun with the lover and none with the husband... ask yourself... why i am dead here and alive there?? Watch your self... your mind... your fear... your ego... your lie...i am responsible for my pebble and for my jewel... let us be aware of who we are... am i the ego? Or the head? Or the heart?

Three of Poland‟s Top intellectuals and their three Jewish friends took the train together from Warsaw to Geneva… At the station in Warsaw, the Pollacks bought three tickets... the Jews bought only one Ticket… "Why did you guys buy only one ticket?" "Just watch us, you might learn something." They all board the train... just before the ticket-taker comes, the Jews lock themselves in the bathroom... the ticket-taker punches the three Pollacks' tickets then goes to the bathroom door and knocks and says " ticket please" the bathroom door opens and a little bit of a hand give out a ticket… the ticket-taker punches it and goes on… The pollacks were impressed... returning to Warsaw, they all board the train... this time the pollacks bought one ticket, but the Jews bought none.. Then, just before the ticket-taker is about to come… the pollacks all dash into the bathroom and lock it.. and the Jews go into the next bathroom.. but one of them before he enters.. he knocks on the door that the pollacks are in and says "ticket-please!"

125

The whole world has become full of imitation and the whole world is looking sad… nobody can be anybody else but himself... just be yourself!!

126

Let us junk few Jokes Complaining of the distance between campus buildings, Velma, the vet daughter, writes to her Dad for money to buy a bicycle… But by the time the money came, she has changes her mind and has purchased a pet monkey instead… After a few weeks, Velma discovers that the animal begins to lose all its hair.. hoping that her father might know a cure.. she writes.. "All the hair is falling off my monkey.. what shall I do?" Her father sends a quick telegram that says.. "Sell the bicycle!"

Old priest Pooper died and left unpaid bills behind and there is no money to bury the old guy.. so grandma Nuts decides she will go around and collect money bury him… but after many long hours of devoted work, her collections is only one dollar short for the funeral… she look around but it seems she has asked everyone.. Suddenly she saw a stranger sitting at the bus stop… she says to him in a tired voice. "Would you give me a dollar to bury a priest?" The Hindu monk jumps up, pulls out his wallet and hands her some money and said... "Lady, here are five dollars… go out and burry five of them…"

An Englishman needs direction, seeing two Irishmen he asks them.. "Excuse me my good fellows... do you think you could tell me the way to Trinity college?"

127

Paddy and Sean stare at the Englishman without saying a word… he decides that perhaps they are foreigners and asks them in French… They say nothing... the professor tries in German, but the response is the same... so he tries Spanish, Greek, Swedish… Finnish.. Italian.. Hindi.. Arabic.. Latin.. Sanskrit.. but all to no response.. so he gives up and walks off... Paddy turns to Sean and says "Hey, did you hear that block? He spoke fifteen languages.." "So what!!" says Sean "He still does not know where he is going!"

"Baby, which do you prefer?" whispers Funk to his girlfriend Claudia "Beautiful men or intelligent men?" “Neither darling” says Claudia, “you know I love you as you are.. and I love only you…"

Remember that love has no other place than our heart to use… A man was very ill... and he tried all kinds of medicines and nothing will help... so he went to a hypnotist who gave him a mantra and that is to repeat.. "I am not ill, I am healthy." For fifteen minutes every day… within weeks he was absolutely healthy and he told his wife about this miracle who said… “Let us have another miracle, go and ask him for a cure to your sexual weakness... he went and within few days he started being stronger in sexual appetite... the wife was happy for the result and asked him for the mantra and he would not tell her the sexual mantra...

128

One day she went behind him to listen what he was saying and heard him say "She is not my wife... she is not my wife.."

If you want to change a woman's mind agree with her... If you want to know what a woman really means… look at her, don't listen to her... A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions that your wife ask you for nothing… be thankful to her…

All the donkeys marched to the white house... a big protest... the president asked for the spoke donkey and he will listen to one not to all of the donkeys… The boss donkey went in and the others were waiting and waiting for hours and hours... what could it be? Why this long time between the president and the donkey... our demands are clear and simple… "We want to be free... to reclaim our role from the human beings... this is all.. you are you.. we are we.." After six hours... the boss donkey came out very tired and exhausted and the donkeys asked him... "What happened? Why you are late?" "Oh, long time to convince him... to understand what is freedom..." said the donkey..

129

The romantic young man turned to the beautiful young girl in his bed and asked “Am I the first man you made love to?" she thought for a moment and then said... "You could be, I have a terrible memory for faces…”

130

Memory A good memory is a mechanical thing... a good intelligence is a totally different phenomenon... it is not necessary that both should exist together…

If you go back in memory and try to remember your childhood you may be surprised to know why you cannot remember... you can remember facts which belongs to your fifth year or fourth year... or at the most the third year, but the first three years are just vacant… they were there and many things happened, but why can we not remember? It is because the ego was not there... so it is difficult to remember… in a way, you were not, so how can you remember? If you were there you would remember, but you were not...

Memory exists only after the ego has come into existence... why? Because memory needs, a center... a hanger on which to hang... if you are not, where will the memory hang?

Three years is something phenomenal.. nothing is ordinary it is the innocence... the childhood... the consciousness... fresh from God... then the ego starts coming... when we say drop memory... we mean the psychological memory, not the factual memory...

Mohammad... Christ... Buddha... remembers perfectly that yesterday this man had spat on him, but he also remembers that neither this man is the same nor is he the same...

That chapter is closed... it is not worth carrying it your whole life.. but we go on carrying it.. why? Let go…

131

How can I let go and let God? Watch your psychological memories... it is a big burden on you.. drop this cross... it destroys your freedom, you‟re a liveness... they encage you... factual memory is perfectly okay...

And one thing more to be understood... when there is no psychological memory, the factual memory is very accurate... the mind memory is disturbance... why put in my mind and myself all the past... all what my parents and friends did for me?? Now is the new moment... the new memory of the heart... of the facts... Be aware that you are not a machine... not a computer… let your heart live the facts not your head...

Yes! All the past is in me... your now contains all the past and all the future... the way you live herenow will have a great impact upon your future… The tree is not thinking about the water that is soaked up yesterday, but it is there, thinking or not thinking... The tree is enjoying this morning's sun rays without psychological memory of yesterday…

The present moment is our only present… it contains all… now is eternity... so don't be disturbed by yesterday… just live it all as it serves you… when I ask you about your phone number… you say it… but it is a game... and we are here to play... to enjoy... to celebrate… we are here to spend all what we have to be alive... Jesus saves... Moses invests... weee spend… Yes, my friends… Life is a hit or a miss proposition... Either we make a hit or we remain a miss… what is your choice?

132

A man called the doctor complaining about an itch between his toes... Having examined his toes, the doctor could find nothing... “which toes do you mean? Asked the doctor… "The two big ones.." said the man..

Two old men were sitting by the fire when an unpleasant smell spread all over... "I say, old chap, did you fart?" "of course I farted, do you think I always smell like this?" was the reply…

A woman suddenly started screaming on the bus.. "I have been robbed, I have been robbed" she cried... "Who robbed you?" said the driver... "The man who just jumped off the bus took all my money" she said... "Where did you keep it?" asked the driver... "In my bra" replied the woman.. "so why didn't you feel it?" asked a passenger.. "I was not sure what he wanted..."

A man loved his girlfriend so much that he had her name Wendy tattooed on his willy... one day he was standing at a urinal when he looked down he noticed the name Wendy tattooed on the willy of the

133

man near him... "Excuse me but do you know my girlfriend Wendy?" he asked... "No" came the reply "mine actually says, welcome to Australia, have a nice day!!"

A lady rang her doctor, to see if she had left her panties in his surgery… "No, I'm sorry, they are not here…" said the doctor… "Oh, my goodness, I must have left them at the dentist's" she said…

Two old farmers meet on the street... "Hey, Tex.. I have got a mule, sick with bad temper… what did you give yours when it had that?" I gave him Turpentine... said Tex.. A week later, they meet again and the first old farmer shouts... Hey, Tex, I gave my mule some Turpentine like you said, and it killed him!!" "Funny" replied Tex, "It killed mine too..."

Funny Seeds Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee…

134

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband...

I believe we should all pay our Tex with a smile... I tried... but they wanted cash..

Marriage is give and take... you'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway..

My wife and I always compromise... I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me…

It does not matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss…

Saving is the best thing... Especially when your parents have done it for you...

135

Wise men talk because they have something to say; Fools talk because they have to say something…

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!!

Man: is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married... Man: will it help... Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come...

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It is a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins...

Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: let us stand in silence for two minutes...

136

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it...

There is only one perfect wife in the world, And every neighbor has it...

One seed turns the whole earth green…

137

Seeds Once a farmer asked Christ... "Why don't you do something I cultivate the land... I create something; you simply sit under the tree with closed eyes, doing nothing… I have been watching you... people come to you, you talk to them or sometimes they sit silently by your side... why don‟t you do something?"

The poor farmer was naturally curious; he had been watching Christ sitting under a tree just by the side of his farm, with people coming, going, and no visible work happening.. Christ said… "Can't you see that I am also a farmer? Can't you recognize me? Although my farm is of a different quality, on a different plane? I grow the crop of bliss, I sow the seeds of bliss... the people who come around and sit silently, or to whom I sometimes talk… they are my work… I am sowing seeds... seeds in people's consciousness, seeds of life... in the right season they will bloom... and look into my eyes I have bloomed, I have cultivated my inner soil, my soul; now it is full of flowers!"

and it is said that the farmer recognized him… he looked into Christ's eyes, surrendered to him... and said.. "You are the true farmer; I am the false one." Yes! We are the seed and the soil... but seeking is the way to do our work... let us discover what is in us... let us dig a well and the water is already there... just remove a few layers of earth, stones, rocks… We have all what we need but the mind is the barrier… all our greeds and desires and thoughts are only an illusion... let us go beyond the mind... and it is in our heart… so near.. why go so far??

138

This world is unreal... it is the shadow of our inner treasure… we are a spirit and the world is a material... When we are in God, we are a continuity... when we are in the world, we are a discontinuity… we are uprooted from our soil... we are no more that which we could be... we are no more in the space that is ours… we are somewhere else... Seek and you will never find… do not seek and it is there... let us see and be still and witness... the truth is now-here... the more you seek, the more frustrated you feel…

Yes! The mind is the root cause of separation... just let go and let God... relax and be in a meditation vision... all what you need is in this herenow... Take a deep breath and face your grace... your choice.. and see the beauty of this now.. .

Now is the only life... the only seed..

David's wife has just died, and as the funeral party is leaving the graveyard, he is making a terrible scene... What am I gonna do? He cries… "My son," says father finger... "I know you have suffered a lot... but you will get over it in time..." But what am I gonna to do? "Just try to control yourself... time will pass, you will get over your grief and maybe in a year or two you will meet another good Italian woman and get married again and will be fine…" "Si father, I know that... but what am I gonna do tonight?"

139

"Hey Risotto" shouts Donotto " you ought to pull your curtains down when you kiss your wife... I saw you last night... I saw it all." "Ha.. Ha.. " laughs Risotto " the joke is on you.. I was not home last night..."

Yes my beloved readers.. let us be the rider not the horse..

It is funny when we discuss love marriage VS arranged marriage... it's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered... it is the same shit but different smell…

A young woman said to an old man, "You must have missed a great deal by not marrying" "Only the ceremony" replied the old man.

In the garden of Eden, Eve was nagging Adam as usual "I saw you playing around with another woman under the tree of knowledge last night... she screamed.. "But Eve! You know there is only you and me in this garden of Eden" said the poor Adam.. “Don't lie to me.. I always know when you lie" said Eve.. "Okay.. okay.. then if you don't believe me.. just count my ribs " said Adam..

140

An immigrant returned after a visit to his home village.. "You know, things have changed in our village... it's so modern that they even have a brothel" he told his friend... "Really, did you go there?" asked his friend “No, but my sister... and so my wife.."

141

Stop! Do we know when to step? When to stop? One should not think in terms of limits, one should get rid of all ideas of limitations... that's the whole process of freedom.. Knowing that "I am not the body" is the beginning of a great pilgrimage... then knowing that "I am not the mind either" is a further step without stop... then finally knowing that "I am not even my feelings" is the last step…

When these three steps of the journey is over on the fourth step you discover your being... your inner treasure and that being is vast, infinite, as vast as the ocean... as vast as the sky... to experience is to experience God… and to experience is to live bliss… ecstasy... that is the only experience worth striving for…

Bliss is the Everest... there is nothing higher than that... don't stop your walking... fulfill your mission in life... your destiny in life… this grace.. this blissfulness is our birthright... how can we stop this step..?? we just have to claim it and climb it to the everlasting breath... and meditation is our only master key… to be in a meditative state with every breath and every path..

Father Fink goes to a farm in order to buy a horse... he sees a beautiful one that he likes and asks if he can try it... 'Sure" says the farmer "But I have to tell you something.. that horse used to belong to a bishop and if you want the horse to move you have to say "My God!!" okay.. it is not difficult very easy for me.." said father Fink.. "And listen to this, if you want him to stop, you have to say... "Halleluyah" said the farmer…

142

That is okay, says the priest and jumps upon the horse and says "My god" and the horse moves off and the priest is seen galloping in the mountains...

The priest is shouting "My God, and the horse is really moving and flowing in energy... But suddenly the priest sees that they are coming to the edge of a cliff and in panic he yells… stop! Stop! But the horse keeps on going... then he remembers and shouts... Halleluyah!! The horse stops right on the edge of the cliff and looking down… the priest was so much amazed and grateful that he said... My God!...

143

God God is not a person… God is a presence… prayfulness is needed, not prayer… God is a quality, like love… you cannot talk to love, you can live it… you need not create temples of love, not statues of love… the theist is wrong, the atheist is wrong, and man needs a new vision so that he can be free from both prisons…

God is the ultimate experience of silence, of beauty, of bliss, a state of inner celebration… once you start looking at God as godliness there will be a radical change in your approach… then prayer is no more valid… meditation becomes valid…

God has to be freed from all concepts of personality... Personality is a prison… God has to be freed from any particular form, only then can he have all the forms… he has to be freed from any particular name so that all the names become his… then we live in prayer… we don‟t pray… whatsoever we do is prayerful and in this prayerfulness is our temple…

The basic, the most fundamental thing is to be aware of your own innermost core, because that is the secret of the whole existence… God is a presence at the innermost core of your being… that silent core… that space where nobody else can enter you… that private, that absolutely intimate virgin space, your interiority, is God… God is not a word, it is a code word…

It does not mean anything unless you know the code… God… G.. O.. D.. that which is…

144

God is not a person but all that surrounds you, within and without… when your insight is clear, who bothers about questions and answers… they all disappear… in that silence is that truth… take the jump into it… this is what home is… the alive God is that of the mystics… the moment you know who you are you have found God and in that very finding you find freedom… this is the religious person who is God-loving, not God-fearing…

Once we understand this, all anxiety disappears from life… then there is no problem left… then life is bliss and so is death… “Let thy will be done…” All is yours… I am yours… all is good… the whole existence is overflowing with godliness… there is no division between God and the world,.. existence is divine…

Start looking at existence with this vision… all is divine… then the world is no more a puzzle no more a problem, no more a question… not a question to be solved but a mystery to be lived… let us be aware of who we are… Christ is awake and I am asleep… he is aware of himself and I am not… but what is our choice?? To be alive or to be dead?? Let us live our choice…

145

How do you share your choice with God?? An Imam, a priest, and a Rabbi were discussing how they divided the money with God… what part for personal needs and what part was turned into their respective institutions… “I draw a line on the floor… all the money I toss it in the air… what lands to the right of the line I keep it for my needs… all the rest which lands on the left of the line is for Allah” said the Imam… The priest noded saying… “my choice is different… my system is essentially the same, only I use a circle, what lands inside is mine, outside is his… easy and simple…”

The Rabbi smiled and said… “I am much more giving to God than both of you… I toss all the money into the air and whatever God grabs is his and the rest is mine…”

Three nuns are walking along the street and one is describing with her hands the big grapefruits she has seen in Africa… then the second one, also with her hands, describing the huge bananas she has seen in India… the third nun, a little deaf asked “Father who?”

A man went into a restaurant and ordered his breakfast… when the waitress brought his coffee, he observed that her thumb was stuck in the coffee… when the scrambled eggs arrived; again he observed that her thumb was in the eggs…

146

This was too much and he said… “Lady, I did not say anything when I saw your thumb in my coffee, but now I see that your thumb is in my eggs too...” “Well” said the waitress… “I have a painful arthritis in my thumbjoint and the doctor told me to put in into something warm and this would ease the pain…” The man was angry and said… “Well, why don‟t you stick it up your ass?” “Oh, I do… I do” answered the waitress “but only when I am in the kitchen..!!”

A man was saying that he has toured around the world looking for a perfect woman… one listener asked him… Did you find her? Yes! But she was looking for the perfect man…

147

Constipation... A big chief was constipated... his nurse was worried... so she went to the nearest drug store and said to the drug-man… "Sir, I am worried... my chief no shit..." The drug-man gave her some pills and told her give him 3 pills before he sleeps and tell me what happens... She came the next day and said... "Sir, big chief no shit..." The drug-man said... give him 5 pills at night... She came the next day and again said... "Sir, big chief no shit."... Give him the whole bottle and tell me the result... She came next day worried again and said... "Sir, big shit and no chief..."

In the white house kitchen chef Egg and his assistant are frying some onions... with tears from the vapors streaming down their faces, Egg says" you know, God gave us this vegetable to make us cry." "Yeah" said the assistant.. Just then Obama walks by the kitchen... "And you know" said the chef pointing at the president... god gave us that vegetable to make us laugh.."

148

A day off So you want the day off… let us take a look at what you are asking

for...

There are 365 days per year available for work… there are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week… leaving 261 days available for work… since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days leaving only 91 days available... you spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that accounts for 23 days each year leaving only 68 days available… with a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work... you normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.. this leaves you only 20 day available for work... we are off for 5 holidays per year... so your available working time down to 15 days... we generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only one day available for work and I will be damned if you are going to take that day off...

Ask your head.. .if you have a head... what do you want???

149

Head You are not your head… get more into your body... make your senses more alive... the head is very dictatorial... the head takes eighty percent of your energy, of course the whole body suffer and you suffer... You have no more harmony... if you are whole, you are happy, healthy, harmonious..

We have lost our senses.. so bring back your senses.. do anything with the hands, with the earth, with the trees, with the rocks... With bodies... with people... do anything that needs not much thinking... and enjoy with you inner child... live your own childhood intuition... it is not worry... just insight… when the mind is burdened too much with thoughts, you think too much, but to no purpose... there is nothing in the head... you go round and round and more problems... let go... let god... go to the heart... here is the balance… here is the love... in the head almost a rush hour; for twenty-four hours a rush hour…

I have heard about a Politician, they had to take his brain out to clean it, there was such dust, so much garbage, so they took the brain to another room and let the politician... a man came in running and woke up the politician "What are you doing here? You have been declared the president of the country…" He left out with his friend when the doctors called him... "Where are you going? Your brain is still in the lab" he said "At least for four year I will not need it.."

There was to be a Christian party for the new baby... but before the ceremony, the priest took the new father aside and said... "Are you

150

prepared for this event?" I think so replied the father… "I have got, cheese rolls and cakes..." "No, no" interrupted the priest... "I mean spiritually… are you prepared?" "Well, I don't know " said the man thoughtfully.. "Do you think two cases of whisky are enough?"

Four people named: everybody, Somebody, Anybody, nobody.. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job... Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it... It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done it!! What can I do?

151

Bill Clinton Statue Committee.. Dear Friend… We have the honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of Fame in W.D.C... this group was in a dilemma as to where to place the statue... it was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Tessie Jackson who never told the truth... since Bill Clinton could never Tell the difference…

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all... he left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on borrowed money..

Over 5000 years ago Moses said to the kids of Israel "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the promised land.." Roosevelt said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and lit up your camel... this is the promised land.." Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your ass, raise the taxes on camels and mortgages the promised land…

If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to our worthwhile project.. Respectfully, Bill Clinton Statue Committee P.S. it is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands

152

for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production and gives a false sense of security while being screwed… Thank you all... be aware of all the presidents… each one is worse than the others…

Yes my friends… Humanity is suffering from too much power... technology, science... they have given immense power to the man, and man is insane... man has no silence, no peace... only mind power… head power... war power… he knows nothing of awareness, hence we are standing on the verge... any moment the world can plunge into suicidal act... global suicide is possible...

Now we need to be in a meditative life... we have the balance the power of the head and the heart... when power is gentle it has a beauty… Then is the power of love… not the love of power…

153

Some fun Let us enjoy our joy... we are only a joke... The teacher said sweetly... "Now boys and girls, I want you to open your note books, pick up your pencils and write a beautiful story beginning with the words... if I have five million dollars.." All the little kids begin writing except for Albert who kept looking out of the window watching the little girls doing gymnastics... the Miss saw Albert and calls out.. "Albert! Everybody else is writing, why don't you do your work?" "Ah" replies Albert, lighting up a cigarette, "Work? With five million dollars?"

After a heart transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor... he was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours sleep at night… Finally the patient asked... what about my sex life Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse? "Just with your wife" responded the doctor... "we don‟t want you to be excited…"

A Rabbi and a bishop were very friendly because both loved golf... they had decided to go on Sunday but the Rabbi was waiting for the long line of confession… It was getting late; the rabbi went into the cabin where the bishop listened to the confessions... "We are getting late... I suggest one thing...

154

I take your place, they don‟t know the difference, just let me watch once what you do" said the rabbi... A woman came and confessed that she did a sin with a man... adultery act once yesterday... the bishop told her "Put ten dollars in the charity box and five hail Mary"... The rabbi took the place of the bishop who left to get ready for the golf... another woman came and confessed the same sin as the previous woman... the rabbi said... "Put twenty dollars in the charity and say ten Hail Mary." But you asked that woman only ten dollars the same sin and even with the same man... The rabbi said... "Yes my sister... ten dollars are in advance, so you don't need to come and confess and waste time, now get lost..."

A middle aged husband went to a doctor and explained that his wife was constantly nagging him about his vanishing potency... after giving him a bottle of pills, the doctor assured him that they would work wonders... A month later the man returned, obviously satisfied with the results... "The pills are terrific" he said… "I have been doing it three times a night..." "Wonderful" the doctor replies... "What does your wife say about your love and power…?" "How should I know" the fellow shrugged… "I have not been home yet"

155

Sister Agnes, Theresa and Margaret go out for a walk from the convent... they enter the local liquor store and order a bottle of whiskey... Sisters... you should not be drinking hard liquor it is not for us... this is for the mother superior's constipation... He sells them the whiskey and they leave… later as he closes the store and walks down the street, he saw the nuns sitting under a tree and drinking from the bottle… Sisters! I am shocked... you told me that it is for the mother's constipation.. It is... says sister Theresa… when she hears about this she will shit herself…

One day a Jew finds himself travelling in a train with the pope, mother Angelica and a beautiful young orphan girl… suddenly the train enters a tunnel with pitch darkness… Then everyone hears the sound of a kiss followed by a slap across the face… when the train leaves the tunnel, everyone looks at each other in silence… Mother Angelica thinks to herself “One of these fatty guys kissed my orphan, but she, being a good girl slapped him.” The girl thinks to herself “One of these guys tried to kiss me, but in the dark kissed the mother instead and she of course slapped him.” The Pollack pope thinks: “That Jewish jerk kissed the girl and she slapped me instead the bitch.” And David thinks to himself:” I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can kiss my hand and slap that Pollack idiot again.”

156

Let us read this seed of wisdom: Thinking is a way to go away… it is a dream-way… come back to the earth… come back to existence… to your roots… the more you move in thinking, the further away you go from existence… be in the here-now… be still and know truth is within you…

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing… however, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decided to buy a donkey instead and enters him into a race… to his surprise the donkey comes third… The headline on the sport page reads: “Priest‟s Ass shows.” Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins… the headline reads: “Priest‟s Ass out front.” The Bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again… the headline reads: “Bishop scratches Priest‟s Ass.” This is too much for the Bishop… so he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey… he gives it to Sister Mary and the headline reads: “Nun has best Ass in town.” Oh! What to do?

The Bishop faints… he then informs Sister Mary that she must dispose of the keen donkey… she sells it to Vic for ten dollars … the next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand… the headline reads:” Nun sells her Ass for ten bucks”

157

A Frenchman, a Jew and a Pollack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison; each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden… A women asks the Frenchman A telephone says the Jew A cigarette says the Pollack Thirty years later… the Frenchman walks out with the women and ten kids… The Jew comes our carrying a million dollar commission he has made during the time in prison… The Pollack walks out and says: “Has anyone got a match?”

The hostess at a kid‟s birthday party goes up to little Jony: “How come your little brother is so shy, he has not moved from that corner all afternoon.” She said… “No…No… he is not shy at all, it is just he has never had to wear a neck tie before and he thinks he is tied to something… so he does not move.” said Jony…

158

Humor… What is humor? To me and we, a sense of humor should be the foundation stone of the future… of the religiousness of man… there is no need to be serious… man is the only animal who has the sense of humor… you have never seen buffaloes or donkeys laughing… only man can have the sense of the ridiculous, of the absurd… it needs great intelligence to have a sense of humor… on the lower planes it does not exist and not even all human beings have it, those who exist on lower planes of intelligence are bound to be serious… serious like the donkeys…

Donkeys are very serious people, always thinking about serious things, it seems much disturbed with all the problems of the world… If Pavlov could find many things about man by studying dogs, if Skinner can find many things about man by studying white rats, and Delgado by studying monkeys… I wonder why these people have missed the donkey… He comes closest to human beings… a serious philosopher… a pundit… a scholar… a theologian… a politician… and much more that you see on the stages of life… who has ever heard a donkey laughing?? If any animal smiles… run fast many miles…

Miss Goodbody has been teaching for twenty years, so all the kids bring her presents… They line up in front of her holding the gifts and she tries to guess what they are… Little Tomy‟s father had a liquor store and she notices that his package is leaking so she tastes it… “Did you bring me scotch whisky?” She asks… ”No.” Replies Tomy.

159

She tastes it again and says: “Did you bring me gin?” “No.” Replies the little Tomy. Meanwhile she picks the roses and the candies and back to the package of little Tomy and tastes it and asks: “Did you bring me rum?” “No, I brought you a puppy.” Said the little Tomy…

Barbara comes racing into the emergency room of the chop-chop hospital… “Excuse me Miss, but can you tell me which ward Miss Fitz is in?” “You mean Fannie? The woman who got run over by a steamroller this morning.” “Right, which ward is she in?” “Well, you will find her in wards eight, nine and ten.”

An American goes to Japan on a business trip… and he meets a lovely young Japanese lady… she cannot speak English and he does not know Japanese… After dinner they go back to her apartment and he starts to make passionate love to her and all the time she was yelling: “Titti gochi... ah Titti gochi.” He thought that she must never have had such a great lover as himself… The next day he and a Japanese businessman are playing golf… half the game the Japanese hits a hole in one … not knowing any Japanese but delighted for his friend… the American wants to show his excitement and cries out :”Ah Titti Gochi.”

160

The Japanese spins around and looking amazed asks: “what do you mean by wrong hole?”

A Moscow housewife said: ”This place would really be paradise if only the communist managed to create people who don‟t need to eat…”

Kowalsk‟s son has been acting strangely, so he takes him to the psychiatrist… “Tell me son, how many wheels are there on a car?” “Four.” “Very good.” Says the shrink… “And what is it that a cow has four of that a woman has two of?” “Legs.” “Good … Good and what does your father have that your mother likes the best?” “Money.” The psychiatrist turns to the dad and says:” You don‟t have to worry about your son… he is smart…” “He sure is.” Says the dad: “I missed the last two questions myself.”

A politician was bitten by a dog, and a few days later his doctor told him that the lab tests were positive… the dog had rabies and he too

161

was infected… the politician pulled out a notebook and began writing furiously… ”Now, take it easy” Said the doctor: “No need to start writing your will…” “Will, Hell!” Snapped the politician: “This is a list of the people I am going to bite…”

162

Value Yes… value is not the name for it… it is so rich that it has no price… it is you… your being… it is so invaluable that you can call it invaluable… Value means commodity… that which can become a mean… then no value … no price… if I ask you what is the value of love? What will you say? Value is not the name for it… love is not a car… a house… a money… health has value… health is wealth but not love… love is God… and God is not limited… If somebody asks: “What is the value of life?” Its value is by living it… I enjoy being alive… all that is ultimate is valueness in the ordinary sense of the word, but because of the ultimate… everything else is valuable…

Your work has value but your love to your work is beyond value… life cannot have any purpose… love and truth and light… and many other insights are just by being it… be the truth… be the love… Jesus said… I am truth… I am the life… I am the light… I am the love… but this I is the amness… the quality… not the ego… how can you tell me what is water? Just drink it and you can only share it… no two feelings are the same… no two moments are the same… how can we put the rivering in a cup? It is a flow of glow… keep glowing and growing…

163

You are you A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill… in the room of 200 students, he asked: “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up… He said: “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this…”He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up… he then asked: “Who still wants it?” Still hands were up in the air… “Well” he replied “What if I do this?” and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoes… He picked it up “Now crumpled and dirty… now who still wants it?” Still the hands went up… “My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson… no matter what I did to the money you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value… it was still worth $20.”

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way… we feel as though we are worthless… but no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value… you are special and unique being… don‟t ever forget it…

164

Our beloved mewe… there is not anybody like you anywhere in the world, there has never been before and there will never be again… you are the only one… Each individual is unique… uniqueness is a gift from existence… Yes! Let us listen attentively to our beloved master…

I know you are absolutely in a drunken state... Everything is upside down in you, everything is in a mess… you don‟t know what you are doing why you are doing it… you don‟t know why you are here in the first place! But I know perfectly well why I am here and what I am doing… I am trying to wake you up … you are fast asleep… Just take one thing seriously and that is to become more and more alert of your sleepiness… And all my efforts here, sutras or jokes, are nothing but means to wake you… sometimes a joke can wake you up more easily than a serious talk because listening to a serious sutra you tend to fall deeper into sleep… it is so serious that you can‟t be awakened by it… but a joke is so light that you don‟t want to miss it… you listen attentively… you are in harmony with the flow and the glow…

165

Can I borrow $25? A man came home late to find his 5 year old son waiting for him… “Daddy, may I ask you how much do you make an hour?” “That is none of your business… go to your room.” The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy‟s question… After an hour or so, he calmed down and went to his son… “Are you asleep son?” “No daddy… but waiting for you.” “Okay…I make $50 an hour” “Daddy…please can you give me $25?” “Here is the money for you.” The little boy reached under his pillow and pulled out his $25 and said to his dad: ”Daddy, I have $50 now… can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow... I would like to have dinner with you!” The father was crushed… he put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness…

What is this lesson for us? Let us share our time with our lovers… let us work and love… If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours… but the family and friends are not numbers… but members to remember… see you now… call you now…

Now is the only time… the only life… yesterday is a history… tomorrow is a mystery… now… this new breath is our birth and death… a new birth… a new step to our inner trip… now I love myself and once I know this truth I love every self and soul and spirit… we are one with

166

the one…we are alive forever… from infinity to infinity…no birth and no death… just visiting this planet earth… and from place to place we live our grace… we share our joy… life is a laughter and laughter is a door to the divine… we are the divinity of God… of love and more and beyond any word… let us live this now in a new life…

Only with the new is life…

Life has to be fresh… remain a learner, never be a knower… remain open, never be closed… Remain ignorant… go on throwing the knowledge that you have in the head… in the mind… and be in the innocence of the heart…

Each day… each now, free yourself from all the past and become a child… this is what Jesus said and this is our birth right…

To become so innocent, like a child… a childlike not a childish… is the way to live and to live abundantly…

A small boy was playing in the garden and a huge bulldog rushed to him and licked him in the face… the boy began to scream and his mother arrived on the scene and said: “ Did he bite darling?” “No, but he tasted me…”

Two Jews arrive at the pearly gates of heaven and asks St Peter if they can come in… “Certainly not, we don‟t allow your sort in here, get lost…”

167

He then goes to tell Jesus proudly what he had done… Jesus becomes furious… “Peter”, he shouts, “You can‟t do that, quick go and get them back…” Saint Peter runs off and comes back a few minutes later puffing… “They have gone…” “Who? The Jews?” Asks Jesus… “No…” gasps St Peter, “The pearly gates…”

A nervous young man walks into the drug store and is very embarrassed when a middle aged woman comes to serve him… - Can I see the druggist? - I am the druggist… what can I do for you? - Well… It is nothing important … next time… - Young man, my sister and I have been running this drugstore for thirty years… there is nothing you can tell us that will embarrass us… - Well, all right… I have this awful sexual hunger that nothing will satisfy me… no matter how many times I make love I still want to make love again… is there anything you can give me? - Just a moment I will have to discuss this with my sister… A few moments later she returns… - The best we can offer is five hundred dollars a week… She said

168

A young porter in Washington is brought to court for raping one of the maids… The maid said that she was leaning out of the window to watch the president of America drive along the street below in a parade… the porter lowered the window on her, trapped her and has his way with her… “But Miss.” Says the judge: “Why did you not start screaming?” “What?” Cries the horrified girl “And have everyone think I was supporting Obama.”

Zabriski arrives at work one morning with a big smile on his face… “Why are you so happy asks a friend?” “Well, last night I found my wife in bed with… the milkman… the night before she was with another man on the kitchen table… I was upset but today all is fixed and I am set… I phoned the Salvation Army and told them to come and take all the furniture from the house…”

Sally and Joan are chit chatting... Joan says: “When I married George, I was looking for sex and good humor and I have found them both with him…” “Oh, really… how?” asks Sally… “Yes! Every time we have sex … it is a joke…”

“Hey… Alberto… go and tell my wife Lucia that I am coming very late tonight…”

169

Alberto knocked the door and said… “Your old man is late tonight… how about we go up the stairs and have little fun…” Lucia is shocked but he said… “I give you fifty dollars.” “How dare you?” “A hundred then…” “Well… it would not be right…” “Come on two hundred dollars… just for a half an hour and your husband will never know…” Lucia takes the money and Alberto has the time of his life… When Phylichi gets home and asks his wife… “Did my friend tell you I worked late?” “Yes he stopped here for a minute …” “And I hope that he gave you my salary…two hundred dollars…”

- Hi Tom! How is your brother doing? - He is getting worse. - Yes I know what you mean … just last week he took his dog for a walk around the park and got lost… - Well that is nothing … it was really embarrassing just last night in this pub he started kissing a woman by mistake… - My God… did he think it was his wife? - No… it was his wife…

Rajiv Gandhi, Ghorbatchev and Reagan are doing a fact-finding tour of India… they are driving through Calcutta when they see a little

170

boy squatting by the side of the road, and decide to talk to him… Gandhi walks over and asks him what he is doing… “I am mixing shit and sand.” “And what are you doing for that?” “I am going to make a statue of Gorbatchev.” Gandhi goes back to the car and reports what the boy said… Gorbatchev is very impressed and seeing a potential communist, goes to speak to the boy himself. “What are you doing my son?” “I am mixing shit and sand.” “And what will you do with it?” “A statue of Gandhi.” Gorbatchev is confused and reports back to the car… So then Reagan walks over to the boy and asks… “What are you doing my son?” “I am missing shit and sand.” “And I suppose that this is my statue.” “No… I can‟t… I have not enough shit for you.”

Our body is the statue of our being… the cup and the wine is one… let us toss the best test and taste…

Mulla in his old age found a mirror by the side of a road… he looked into it… he had never looked into a mirror and he said: “My God… this seems to be the photograph of my father… I never knew that the old fellow who is dead now was such a fashionable person as to have a photograph.” He came home hiding the mirror in his clothes… He did not want to reveal the secret to his wife… he was afraid she would freak out and say: “This is your photograph… you are wasting

171

money and we are starving… so he hides it in a suitcase full of clothes…” The wife saw this and was watching silently and when he was out she opened the suitcase and looked in the mirror and said: “My God, in this old age he is running after this rotten woman, and he is keeping it in a suitcase as a secret from me…”

172

Mirror What is a mirror? The mirror does not cling to your picture… the mirror does not create a memory of you… the mirror will never think of you again… the mirror will never have any nostalgia… the mirror will never think “How beautiful a person was! And when he is going to come back?” And the mirror will not follow you… not even in thought … not even in dreams…

Yes my friends… you are my mirror… if I look in your eyes I see my face… but the moment I disappear… I am no more in the mirror…

This is non-attachment… when you are there, you are there… the mirror likes you… loves you… welcomes you…takes you to its very heart… but the moment you are gone … you are gone … so live in the world but don‟t be of the world… love people but don‟t create attachments… see the beauty and live it but don‟t cling to it… the clinging mind loses its mirrorhood… and mirrorhood is Christhood…

To keep that quality of mirroring continuously fresh is to remain young, is to remain pure, is to remain innocent… Know, but don‟t create knowledge… love but don‟t create desire… live… live beautifully, abandon yourself in the moment… but don‟t look back… this is the art of non-attachment… You are so aware of yourself… me too… that is why we are running after money, power, prestige… become a little more aware of yourself… of who you are … of this amness in us… give a little more attention to yourself…

173

Yes! The mirror will tell you all what you see in the mirror … but this is not your identity… not your divinity… not who you are… all that you know about yourself is collected from others … who are they??

They don‟t even know themselves… so be aware of your true self not the ego… not the false self… once the false is seen as false, it is not very difficult to see the true as true… once the ego is dropped you become aware of eternity… hence the true self is the door to God…

Once you accept yourself as you are, things will start changing and change is a constant law from summer to rain… this is the circular motion… circular change … the wheel of life … yes… be a light unto yourself… this is our nature … we are from the same source… light from light… once we know this and we live it and we are who we are… the world will live peace…

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me… If not you and me who else? If not now when? So let us be serious and play our truth…

“David “Asks the wife:” if we have a four minute nuclear warning, what would you do?” “I make love to you sweet heart.” Said David “Yes” said the wife “but what about the other three minutes?”

Take a deep breath and enjoy this fresh birth…

Girl: if we got married, stop smoking

174

Body: Ok!! Girl: drinking too.. Okay! And going to the night club too Yes Girl: what else can you leave?? Boy: The idea of marrying you…

You are pretty happy this morning! That is right, I have finally cured my wife of her habit of yelling at me all the time… And how did you do that? Teach me… Well… I have convinced her that her yelling at me was making a nervous wreck of the dog‟s neck…

Mike had returned to his native town after many years overseas… I hope, said the priest, that you have been loyal to your faith while you have been away? Indeed father… I have lied… I have steeled… I went to war… I cursed and robbed and rapped… but not for a single moment did I forget the religion I was brought up in…

Moses rang his wife from his office…

175

Olga… I would like to bring Cohen home to dinner tonight?? Stop it! You idiot, you know that the cook has just left… I have got a cold, the baby is cutting his teeth… the furnace is broken and the butcher won‟t give us any more credit until we pay up… I know… that is why I want to bring him… the poor fellow is thinking of getting married…

A priest and a drunk bus driver arrived at the pearly gates where they met St. Peter… I am the village priest and would like to admitted to heaven… I am the village bus driver and want to come in too… Okay… said Peter… You Mr Priest will have to wait over there for few years… but you Mr driver you can go right now in… But wait a minute, I preached every Sunday, I am the priest and he is a drunk driver… Listen said Peter… when you preached everybody slept and snored… but when he drove everybody prayed like crazy…

In for you… out for you…

176

Prayer What I am doing now… my writing is my prayer… my unity with the real power… existence is using my hands… my heart… my head… using me as a medium to paint the love in us as words on the paper… I feel it and read it before anyone else… this is a prayer…every breath is path to be with mystery of life… this is the prayerfulness… it is like the river keeps rivering… it is a verb… an action… a creativity… without any goal or any home or any expectations… we are a walking guests and visiting this bridge to another bridge… this is our endless prayer… our infinite connection with God… yes… you can ask for help when you have done all that you can do not before that… prayer comes only after meditation… this is what Mohammad did… what Christ did… and prayer comes on its own accord, just as a flower opens and the fragrance is released… if you start forcibly opening the buds you will destroy the whole fragrance, therefore, even the possibility of fragrance…

Therefore, prayer is significant only when you have done all that you are capable of… then your prayer has sincerity…

The prayer does not change God, the prayer changes us… changes you… you become humble … you become surrendered… let thy will be done… please guide me…

To bow down to existence is enough… you bow down… not the body… yourself… your soul… your spirit… Jesus became chirsthood when he let go and let God… on the cross… being in the middle of the heart… he did all what he could and then let thy will be done…

In that let-go you move towards the right direction without anybody guiding you… when you are not tense you are always moving

177

towards the right direction… and whenever you are tense, even if you are moving in the right direction… in the Qubla… the direction is not going to prove right because you are not right… The question is not of direction… the question is of your being right or wrong…

Whenever you look you see the existence… the godliness… but am I aware of this? When you are relaxed, at ease, at home, trusting existence, loving existence, nothing can ever go wrong… just being a child like… this is what Jesus is saying… give me your heart…

Prayer is an attitude… prayer is not something to be done… rather, it is a quality… call it prayfulness and you will be closer to truth… whatever you are doing let it be your worship… your love… the flow of your heart… the wonder and the reverence from heart to heat… do what you love and you are alive…

178

Let us Fun prayfuly A man walking in the forest saw a lion coming to him… he started to pray… and saw the lion also praying… he asked him… I am praying out of fear… and what are you praying for? Said the man.. I am praying before I eat… I am so happy that I met my best meal… said the lion

Pick gets a phone call from his dear friend Dick… Hello is that you Pick? Hello… is that you Dick? What‟s up? Ah… my car has broken down and I am stuck and I need a hundred dollars… I asked God for it and you came into my mind… can you send it to me…? What is that? It is so noisy in here… I can‟t hear a word you are saying… I said I need a hundred dollars… can you hear me..? Yes I can hear you but you have got a bad line, I can‟t hear you… Suddenly, the operator comes on line… Hello, this is the operator, I can hear him very good… Okay, says Pick… then you send him the hundred dollars…

Why men think with their head and woman with their heart… For example: one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed… well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says.. “I don‟t feel like it, I just want you to hold me…”

179

I said… “What?? What was that? You‟re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man” she responded to my look… “Can‟t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” “Okay… let us sleep… see you tomorrow…” I went to sleep the next day we went for lunch and shopping at a big mall… I walked with her picked all what she desired… shoes… jewelry… clothes… for tennis bracelet when she does not even know how to play tennis… “Pick all what you love… that‟s fine, honey”… smiling with satisfaction she said… “I think this is all dear, let us go to the cashier…” “No honey, I don‟t feel like… it” What?? “You‟re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman…” and just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added… Why can‟t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy for you? Apparently I am not having sex tonight either…

Granpa Giggle is really worried about his health and is waiting nervously in the hallway at Hamchop hospital while a team of eminent physicians gather together to consult about his case... All the doctors retire to another room to discuss the old man‟s condition, but grandpa has hidden his grandson little Albert in the closet in the room to listen... then Albert is supposed to report to him what the truth of the situation is... After a few minutes, Albert escapes and runs back to the old man... Quick Albert what did those doctors say?

180

I cannot say for sure, i listened hard, but they use such big words, i can‟t remember much of it... but i do remember one thing... Tell me quickly what is it? Well, they said... “We will find out everything at the autopsy...

Autopsy... biopsy... topsy-Turvy... just any curvey... any survey will help you to survive and be alive... The body is dead corpse anyway... you are the light and the life and the laughter in this body-mind treasure... from dust to dust is our body but where the being is going?? One day at the pearly gates St. Peter opens the door and greets three new arrivals... Mrs Baloney, a devout catholic woman... Mrs Baker, a good protestant and mama Faginbawm, a Jewish woman... Okay, says Peter... welcoming the girls, how that you have entered into heaven... this is the place where all your dreams come true... so each one of you can tell me your special wish... My wish says Baloney, eyeing Mrs Baker, is that you get rid of all the protestants in the whole universe... My... goodness, exclaims Peter... that is an odd thing to say here in heaven... and what about you Mr Baker? My wish, cries Mr Baker, glazing at Mrs Balongey, is that you wipe out all catholics from the universe!!... Good God! Shouts Peter, that is really strange... why so much hate? Then asks Mrs Faginbaum... “Okay, grandma and what about you?”

181

“Oh vey! Say grandma waving hands in the sky... what about me? Ah! Nothing for me... only a bottle of wine and few nuts and just give my friends what they want!!”

Whatever we give we receive... what we sow we harvest... Let us be the change we want to see in the world...

182

Anger Anger is danger... why? What is this feeling? Anger arises as a protection against pain... if somebody hurts you, you become angry as a wall, as a protection of your being against pain... so every pain is suppressed by anger... layers and layers of anger on pain... this is why onion helps us to be with our layers... with our roots... to be one with the one in and out of us... just find out what is the cause... It is just as if we dig a hole in the earth to make a well... or to face the flowing of the wellness... first we have to remove the earth and many layers of stone, and then the water comes up... at first it is not clean water, it is muddy... then by and by cleaner sources become available... first anger will come and it has many layers like earth... then sadness will come like muddy water, and then pain, clean pure pain, will be available... and pure pain is tremendously beautiful because it will give you another birth immediately...

In fact anger is a bondage... Christ is not in bondage... Mohammed too... they have not been angry with anybody because they don‟t make anybody responsible... you are your world... then nothing else matters... all else are games and excuses...

Ordinarily, anger is not bad... anger is part of natural life... it comes and goes... but if you repress it, then it becomes a problem... then you go on accumulating it... then it is not a question of coming and going... it becomes your very being... then it is not that you are sometimes angry, you remain anger, you remain in rage... and you just wait for somebody to provoke it... or even a hint of provocation and you catch fire and you do things for which, later on, you will say, “I did it in spite of me...”

183

Analyze this expression “in spite of me”... yes! It is true... repressed anger becomes temporary madness... something happens which is beyond our control... suddenly it was beyond us... and it came out...

Let us look at people on the street... just stand by the road and watch... you will find two types of people... just go on watching their faces... one is the sad type... the other is the anger type... bubbling with madness, ready to explode at any excuse...

Anger is active sadness, sadness is inactive anger... they are not two things...

when are you sad? Only in situations where you cannot be angry... he is my boss!! It is uneconomical... you have to smile... it is a must...

The must is a mist in your mind... and you become sad... you come home, and with your wife you will find a small thing, anything irrelevant, and you become angry…

People enjoy anger, they feel they are vomiting… you are relaxing... feel good... you are alive… you confess the fuss and it is fun… but the people who are holding the sadness… they become helpless, and they can‟t find anybody to be angry with… so down the rung of the ladder, but up the higher on the rung you will find angry people… Anger and sadness are both faces of the same energy… repressed feelings... so take a deep breath and more oxygen is needed and your

184

thoughts immediately change… just take five deep breath, exhale and inhale, and see where your anger has gone... It is difficult to change anger directly, it is easier to change the body, then the breathing and then the anger… this is a scientific process… Love your body… watch what you are eating… and when bodymind is better... your breath is better... it goes down to the belly and it will change our energy… from anger to patience and back at home witnessing the blissfulness in us…

Ah! What to do? Just be aware of yourself… do you know your self? There is a great pain in your heart… a great anguish... from where we are coming and to where we are going and who are we and what this life is all about… what is the meaning of life? This is our pain... our anger... our sadness… our agony...

Life seems to be so futile, so utterly meaningless, a mechanical repetition… Everyday you go on doing the same things again and again, for what?

And we cannot live without experiencing some significance, without contributing something good something meaningful to the world, what are we doing for peace? Existence needs us!!

We are so dull and stupid and mediocre… we are dead but not buried yet... be aware... be awake now… be alert and don‟t miss this now… this opportunity... now-here is the only time and the only space… plant peace in yourself and share your joy with existence…

185

Don‟t live like unconscious, mechanically like somnambulist... and sleep walker.. you are a unique identity from the divine divinity.. be who you are now-here or nowhere else!!

A tramp knocked at the door of an inn named George and the Dragon… “Could you spare a poor man a bite to eat?” He asked the woman who answered the door… “No!” she screamed and slammed the door… A few seconds later, the tramp knocked again… the same woman answered the door and said “Get out… you are good for nothing and don‟t you ever come back…” After a few minutes the tramp knocked again and the woman came to the door… “Pardon.. but could I have a few words with George this time?” said the tramp…

Life is the inn called George and the dragon… you can ask to have a few words with George too…

Goldstein applies for membership in the communist party... and he is requested to answer a few questions… Who was Karl Marx? I don‟t know… Lenin? Sorry... I don‟t know him either... What about Brezhnov? Never heard of him… Are you playing games with me?

186

Not at all Mr. Official… do you know Hershel Salsberg? No? What about famous Yanki Vicho? Never heard of him… Samy Davido Vitch? No I don‟t know him... Well, I guess that is the way to goes… you have got your friends… I have got mine..

Ivanovich had a parrot speaks “Down with communism” all day... and one day the neighbors reported him to the KGB… when the police arrived Ivanovich hides the parrot in the freezer… the KGB looked everywhere and found nothing... but before they leave, one of them decided to search in the freezer and finds the frozen parrot… When the parrot thaws out, soon starts shouting at the top of his voice... “Hooray for Gorbachev, long live communism” the KGB were very happy and left the house... Ivanovich grabs the parrot and said... “I don‟t understand why did you suddenly start praising communism?” “Look!” replies the parrot... “You would do the same if you had just returned from Siberia...”

Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during the delivery? “Ah yes!” replies the doctor...” I also believe the father of child should be present at its birth…” “I don‟t think that is a good idea” she said...

187

“He and my husband don‟t get along too well together…”

An old lady always had a glass of milk with her meal… one day she went to a friends wedding and some joker put some gin in the old ladies milk, unknown to her… she sipped the milk, savored it, drank some more… and finally empted the glass… Then a smile on her face she said… what a cow… wow! What a cow!

In a church, the priest declared that after the service there would be meeting of the board… everybody left, only the board members were there… but a stranger was also sitting in the front row, the priest was little puzzled… he said... sir, have you not heard? I said there would be a meeting of the board… And the stranger said... “Yes, and who is more board than me? You tell me!”

The new priest was coming to visit and the mother gave little sally some instructions… If he asks your name... say sally, and if he asks how old are you, say you are eight years old… and if he asks who made you, say… God made me…

188

The priest came and putting down his hat and bible saw little sally and patting her head asked… what is your name little cuty? Sally… and how old are you sally? Eight years old said Mom…”well.. well isn‟t that fine!! Do you know who made you sally? The little girl hesitated for several moments and then she replied… “Mom did tell me the mans name but I have forgotten it…”

The catholic priest was trying to get a Jew converted to his faith... “All you have to say three times... I was a Jew now I am a catholic..” The Jew did it… but the priest went one Friday at his home... the Jew was frying chicken... “Now, you know you can‟t eat that chicken on Friday” “Oh, yes I can” he replied.. “I dipped it in pan three times and said” once I was chicken, now I am a fish…”

Jesus and Peter came down to earth to see how things are going… after travelling all day through the universe, they arrive after dark near an old farm house… not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn… Jesus says to Peter, I am going to sleep upstairs in the high loft... and you stay down here… And when you are comfortable sing me a lullaby to help me to go to sleep… Peter agrees and starts singing softly… sing louder goes out Jesus… But, my lord, the farmer may wake up... Peter, do you trust me? So Peter sings loudly until the farmer wakes up... comes running into the

189

barn and gives Peter a good beating… Peter, do you still trust me? Of course, a little beat can‟t shake me... so Jesus asks him to continue singing, after a few minutes, the farmer runs out again really furious, picks up a stick and beats Peter.. Peter do you still trust me? Well, may be we could change places for a little while… okay… if you think it will help your trust... So they changed places and this time Peter sings really loudly thinking to himself “This will show him”.. Sure enough a minute later, the farmer purple with rage, comes into the barn and grabs Jesus.. then he stops and says… ”No, you have had enough.. Now I will give it to the idiot upstairs…”

So let us be aware of our thoughts… a thought is a destiny…

A preacher went to the mountain to preach, he started with first old man he met... Are you Christian? Nope, Mr. Christian lives up.. What I mean are you lost? I have been here thirty years and I know every cow path in these hills… You don‟t understand… I mean are you ready for the judgment day? When is it coming? Well, it might come today or it might be tomorrow… For goodness sake, don‟t tell my wife, she would want to go both days…

190

A visitor to an insane asylum found one patient rocking back and forth in a chair yelling “Lulu… Lulu”… what is the matter with this man? Well, sir, lulu was the woman who rejected him Later while still on his tour, the visitor saw another man beating his head against the wall and crying and yelling “Lulu.. Lulu” Now why is this man crying Lulu? Oh, he is the fellow Lulu finally married

Marriage is the cause of divorce… watch out before you are caught

in...

191

Past The past function as a barrier between you and life... die every moment to the past and then life can be left and lived as fresh as it is... life is never old... each moment it renews itself rejuvenates itself, reorients itself… it is eternally fresh... but the mind can‟t be fresh... the very mechanism of the mind does not allow it to be fresh... to be in the here now… the mind loves the history… the past... and loves the mystery... the future… but now is the new birth… the fresh breath… the real present to live… you are not a car.. no need to go backwards… life always moves forward.. mind looks backwards...

Existence is always present, past is only memory and future is only imagination…

We all will live in our prejudices because we are all pastoriented… what so ever has been taught to us... it is knowledge not knowing… so we go on repeating what they told us and we tell it to our children… that is how ignorance are transferred from one generation to another generation… we call it heritage, we call it culture, religion... we call it our great past... the past is dead and to carry the dead is to become dead yourself… it is our choice to be a victor not a victim… forget the past.. be fresh every moment… now is our wow!!!

Yes our beloved us… we have to abandon the past and the pride in the past all pride comes out of the past… you are born to a very rich family, very famous, very aristocratic... very noble family... you have many rich friends and many degrees from famous universities…

If you cling to the past you remain looking backwards… that‟s why you are constantly in trouble and constantly moving in accidents…

192

you are like a car driver who is driving ahead and looking backwards if you want to avoid accidents you have to be free from past and future… now is the search for God... you have to drop it all… the whole past is present now without the ego… the past is the ego in our head... in our mind…

Dropping the ego, you become free.. Just like a snake slips out of its own skin it does not even look back... it simply slips out…

So let us slip out of our past.. meaning is always in the alive, in the flowing… get out of the past… this need only a certain courage… a certain understanding… it can flare up... just a little support and the whole past will disappear… suddenly you start from abc.. fresh, young, virgin... uncorrupted

We have to do it every day... every now... do not collect any now… keep rivering… or a new ego will arise… so... slip out of the past.. never accumulate it again… always line herenow...

Now contains limitlessness and here means all that is present right now… the whole existence is here now in us… this the bliss and the benediction…

193

What is our now? Two husbands were chitchatting… I and my wife never argue I can't believe it… how do you manage it? The day we got married we decided one thing I will talk about great subjects and she will take care for small Trivia…

For instance? For instance, what house to buy, what car, what school for the kids, what kind of clothes for family and for myself, what kind of work or business I should do… these are small things… my wife settles them…

What are the great subjects? For example… whether God exist or not!! Whether war should be in Russia or in the middle east!! What kind of weapons should we use to kill the enemy… things like that, great things… I will take care of them… I decide great things and she decides small things and pays for them… and she pays for my expenses too… she is very good in business… I don‟t ask her from where she can get all what we need… it is her own work… and all the kids look like her too… it is her work…

A professor of philosophy told his class that if any can answer this question you skip the exam… the question is… "If the boat floats five miles down stream while a crow flies light miles across an open field… then how old I am? You are forty-four years old Sir? Great… tell me how did you arrive at that figure?

194

That was easy Sir, my cousin is twenty two, and he is only half crazy…

A member of the catholic church approached her priest and said… Father, my dog died and I want to know if you think it is all right to have a funeral for him… Yes I think it is all right if you desire one… Who do you think would be a good father? The priest was not too happy with the thought so he said… I know a good protestant minister down the street… he will do it for you… Oh… thank you father… just one more question…how much do you think I should pay him… 300 $ or 400 $? The priest's eyes lit up and he slipped his arm around the lady, honey! You are my child and my friend… why did not you say it was a charmy catholic dog?

A Baptist Deacon had advertised a cow for sale… How much are you asking for it? A hundred and fifty dollars? And how much milk does she give? Four gallons a day… How do I know that? Oh you can trust me… I am a Baptist priest… I will buy it… I will take the cow home and bring you the money later… you can trust me… I am a Presbyterian Elder…

195

When the Deacon reached home, asked his wife… what is the Presbyterian Elder? Oh!!… He is the same as the Baptist Deacon… Oh dear… I have lost my cow..!!

Mr Gorbachev wanted to find out what people thought of him… naturally they would not tell him if they recognized him… so he dressed in an elaborated disguise, put on glasses and false moustache and flow to a small town… there he met a farmer and asked him… tell me what do you think of Gorbachev?

Sh…h…h… you crazy…come… come inside the house… he closed the window… shut the door… pulled down the shades… then whispered… "I like him"

A student died and went to purgatory… There he ran into his master who was with a beautiful blond… I am happy for you master for your reward… She is not my reward… I am her punishment…

Father Fake went to psychiatrist… I have a break down… what do you recommend?

196

Break completely with your past and your every day life, put on a business sail and go to a night club… The priest went to a topless night club… and sat in a corner and a waitress stopped at his table and said… "Hi Father"…. "How did you know me?". "Don‟t you recognize me? I am Sister Natalie".

A man found the Truth… a little devil came running to the old devil and asked him… A man found the truth… our whole business is at risk!! Cool down my son, smoke a cigar and my people have already reached there… the priest, the rabbi, the popes, the imams… they will organize the Truth, and once it is organized it is finished… it is dead… they will surround the man and they will not allow the people to approach him… they will interpret the man in their own ways… in their own interpretation and the Truth will be lost…

197

Truth No one can tell you what it is… Truth is beyond words and worlds… Truth cannot be taught but you can catch it… Truth has to be discovered within our own soul… It cannot be borrowed from the scriptures… It is not possible even to communicate it, it is inexpressible… by its very nature, it is indefinable…

Truth happens to us in wordless silence… in deep… deep meditation… when there is no thought, no desire, no ambition… in that state of no-mind Truth descends in us or ascends in us… in the core of our being…

it is already in us but we are not yet aware of this grace… Truth does not come from heaven or the beyond… it arises from the deepest source of our being… it is not something coming down but something rising up… welling up… it is a transmission… from heart to heart… from light to light…

So let us enjoy the truth from all the doors… from whatsoever source it comes… Truth is nobody's possession… so let us nourish ourself with the Truth not with anybody… don‟t cling to persons… persons are insignificant… truth is significant it is in each one of us… once you live it you love it in every scene… the Truth is all over existence…

Yes! Truth is beyond structures… it is in our inner treasure… it comes only when you are in an unstructured state of consciousness… it comes only when there is no expectation for it… not even preparation for it… because all preparation is expectation… truth comes unwares,

198

truth comes as a surprise… you cannot manage and manufacture it… it comes when it comes…

There is no way to truth… all ways lead astray… why? Because having a away means that you have already decided what truth is… it is the game of your own mind… there is no way to truth… because the mind is the barrier and it is the mind that creates the ways… the mind has to go… the mind has to cease for truth to be… the mind is structure… is the ego…

Let go and let God… be a watchful… just watch and witness and freedom will come… truth is the freedom… truth is a bird on the wing… not a bird in the cage… the cage may be of gold, may be studded with diamonds, but a cage is a cage and it cannot attain freedom… truth can never become a prisoner, sonly those who are capable of being free attain to it… take a deep.. deep breath and fly high in your inner sky…

Yes let us fun with truth… Who bothers to look at the truth? We have become afflicted with signs, symbols, words and language…

What is the difference between truth and a lie? And Rabia… one of the greatest Sufi mystic, said “Only four inches..” Hassan was puzzled and asked her again… I don‟t understand… what do you mean? The difference between the ear and the eye is the difference between the truth and the lie… the lie is all that you hear from the ear… the heard is the lie; the seen is the truth…

199

Truth is your own experience… your own silence… you own vision…

A young man made application to change his name according to the provision of the law… What is your name.. Bill Sinks, Sir… Well, I can understand why you want it to be changed… and what do you want it to be? William Stinks, Sir..

The shit is the same but we change the smell..

A little boy came home from Sunday school and his father asked… What did you learn today? Well, two thousand years ago, the Jews wanted to escape from the bad Egyptians… so Moses had the Jews to build this suspension bridge across the red sea… Then they loaded it down with dynamite… The Jews escaped across the bridge and when all the Egyptians chased them they blew up the bridge and all the Egyptians were drowned… Is that what the teacher told you? No, but you would never believe the crazy story he did tell us…

200

We believe out of fear and we improve on the scriptures out of ignorance… I don‟t believe in believing… I believe in knowing… in experiencing… not what the lab tells us… life is not an experiment in the lab… in the school… in the other‟s minds… Live your own life and be alive in your own truth… listen to your own heart… and heal your life…

201

Global Madness Please don‟t be afraid of madness… for the simple reason that we are mad too!! This world is such a vast madhouse… every child is born sane, but cannot live sane… it is impossible… he is brought up by mad people, taught by other mad people, conditioned by other mad people… he is bound to become mad… just to survive he has to become mad…

Only once in a while has there been a sane being... a Christ… a Buddha… a Mohammad… and the strangest thing is these sane people look mad because the so-called mad are not really mad… the really mad are the so-called sane…

The people who are put in the madhouses are simply very sensitive people, vulnerable people, not so hard as the others who live in the marketplace… they are not so thick-skinned, that‟s why they break down…

Man has an infinite capacity to adjust himself, and each child learns to adjust to all kinds of things… just look in your own being how many stupid beliefs you are carrying… and there are moments when you become aware of this stupidity, but those sane moments, you put aside because they are dangerous moments… yes! Once in a while the window opens, but we close it… we are afraid of the truth…

You are no more innocent, you are already corrupted and poisoned… just look around and see the global madness… global war… Yes! You can help yourself and others by some dynamic types of meditations… mad people need to vomit the mad energy… it is the only treatment… if we are allowed to be mad, then madness will disappear… if a person can be mad each day for few minutes, then he will experience

202

only tremendous sanity… when you become too serious you need a little laughter to bring you down to earth… when you become too tense you need something to help you relax… For example… in a football match the people go mad… and it is accepted and they feel very relaxed even watching it on TV they go mad… they jump and become very excited… but it is an accepted thing…

War is also a device that is needed continually so that people can go mad… can hate and destroy… and they do it without any guilt… so what to do? Meditation is the key and the cure… a madman does not need a doctor but a friend who loves, who cares and is friendly… and accepts his madness, and his sane part and the insane part… When you say to a madman that not only are you mad but I am too… immediately a bridge is made… and it is a healing touch… healing step…

Let us enjoy our madness… A mother is driving her little girl to her friend‟s house for a play date… “Mommy” the little girl asks: “How old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age.” The mother replied. “It‟s not polite.” “Ok, but how much do you weigh?” The little girl asks. “Now really, those are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Said the mother. The little girl asks: “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” That‟s enough questions… and the mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

203

My mom won‟t tell me anything about her… the little girl says to her friend… Well, all you need to do is look at her driver‟s license, it has everything on it. Later that night the little girl says to her mom: “I know how old you are, you are 32. I also know that you weigh 130 pounds” The mother was shocked: “How in heaven‟s name did you find that out?” And the little girl says with joy: “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh, really!” The mother asks: “Why?” “Because you got an F in Sex.”

David and his wife are celebrating their 25 wedding anniversary… as a surprise he comes home with a little monkey… “What is that crazy man?” “It is a monkey. What do you think it is? This is my present to you sweet heart.” “You are crazy… what are we going to do with a monkey?” “Well, he is gonna eat with us, sleep with us…” “Sleep with us!! What about the smell?” “Listen, after 25 years, if I could get used to it… so will the monkey…”

Khan is studying in Europe… he called his Mom… “Mom, I have AIDS.”

204

“Don‟t come back.” “Why?” “If you come back then your wife will be infected… from your wife to your brother… from your brother to our maid… from our maid to your dad… from your dad to my sister… from my sister to her husband… from her husband to me… from me to our driver… from our driver to your sister and if your sister got AIDS then the whole village will be infected!!! So in the name of God please save our village… Don‟t come back…”

Jack is a drunkard and yet Maureen has never tasted alcohol in her life… “Hey you drunk, give me that bottle, I want to taste whatever it is that has made you the bum you are.” She takes a good gulb and says: ”Yuk, that is the most horrible liquid that has ever passed my lips… it tastes terrible…” “You see.” he said. “And all these years you thought I was having a good time…”

Grandpa is going deaf, so he is sitting on his couch watching TV at full volume… Suddenly his wife and grandchildren came in from their vacation in Hawaii… “Hi grandpa… we are back from our vacation.” “What?” holding his ear… “We are back… we saw the famous volcano…”

205

“What?” shouts grandpa… “Volcano… you know… one of those things that belch and spit fire.” „Oh yes.” says grandpa… shaking his head… “I married one.” Now volcanoes are everywhere… be aware… be alert not to be near any one…

One man came home and he was trembling so much, so drunk, he could not manage to open the lock… finally the policeman saw him and came to help… “Can I help you Sir?” The drunk said: “Yes, just hold the house steady, there seems to be such a great earthquake…”

Jack walks in a pub and orders a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar and have one yourself, he tells the bartender generously… Half an hour later the order is repeated and this goes on all evening until closing time, the bartender taps back on the shoulder: “ I hope you don‟t mind … that your bill is two hundred dollars…” “Does it? I am sorry to hear that because I have no money.” The bartender starts beating him and he kicked him out of the door into the street… The next evening, the pub is just opening up when jack walks in…

206

“A large brandy for me, and drinks for everyone in the bar… but I am not giving you one Mr. bartender because after a couple of drinks you get very nasty…”

207

Why we are lost? Look at nature, everything is so perfect… can you improve upon a rose? Can you improve on nature in any way? Only man has gone wrong somewhere… if the rose is beautiful without any effort on its part, why not man? What is wrong with us? If stars remain beautiful without any effort, without any yoga… why not man? Man is part of nature, just as stars are… be natural … and you will flower…

If this understanding enters you, deeper and deeper and deeper, then all efforts becomes meaningless… then you are not constantly making arrangements for the future, then you live here and now, then this moment is all, then this moment is eternity… and human being is already the case, you are already a light… a love … and beyond… the only thing that is missing is that you have not given it any chance to flower because you are so engaged in your own projects… you are not what you do but how you do and how you are a human becoming … now is the time to be a victor not a victim…

Yes! we are all victims of victims… let us say thank you to the past and live this now with nature…this now has all what we need… it is our ignorance that is creating all the wars and the pains… but no pain no gain and enough is enough… be a victor not a victim… be an emperor not a beggar… be who you are… just let go of your ego.. of your mind and let Thy will be done… This is the Christconsciousness in all of us… let Thy will be done… let

208

Thy kingdom come… This is a total surrender to existence… to God…and this is the victory… to be with God and in God is to be victorious… there can be no other victory greater than this… this is the crown for all of us… Yes! Christ was crucified as a body… but his crucification was really his crowning ceremony… Yes! Truth is always victorious… and without victory life is meaningless… victory brings light…and be grateful to the darkness too… you win not because you are stronger than the other… but because the other is your mirror…we are one with everyone… with nature… with God… the first and the last are one… you are rewarded as a winner and as a looser… there is no difference… all is a game… we are here to play… nothing to be worried about…

Let us play. Shimon Peres, the prime minister of Israel and Rajeev Gandhi of India and Reagan from America are driving together to a conference when their car breaks down and are forced to spend the night at a motel… “I am sorry, but we have only one room left and it is double, but one of you can sleep in the barn, we will make it comfortable…” “No problem, I will sleep there.” says Gandhi. A short time later, the other two men are getting ready to sleep where there is a knock on the door and Gandhi in the hallway… “I am sorry, I can‟t sleep with a holy cow” “so I will sleep in the barn.” says the Jew. Few minutes later he is back… “What‟s going on? Why you are here?” “I am sorry being a Jew; I can‟t sleep with a pig!!”

209

“I guess I will sleep in the barn.” says Reagan…and off he went…he is a Christian and he can sleep with all the animals… Few minutes later a knock at the door… they open it and it was… The pig and the cow!!

It is a dark and a stormy day at the Vatican… the pope is on his deathbed and on his side a crowd of bishops, cardinals and priests moaning and chanting and a cardinal is crying… “Ah, don‟t be upset, don‟t cry… the Vatican council will find a great man to take place… and he will do much better than me.” Said the pope. “But” said the cardinal crying… “That is just what they promised us last time and we are worse than ever…”

One English Sir was suspicious that another Sir was with his wife… being very mannerly… he asked him: “Did you sleep with my wife last night Sir?” “Not a wink! Sir”

Jose has a donkey called Pedro… one day the donkey kicks Jose‟s mother-in-law in the well… The next day at the funeral, the entire male population of the village came to the funeral… the father was amazed and told Jose…

210

Your mother-in-law must have been a good mama… people like her very much, it looks like this… a loving person…” “No… they did not come to bury her, they came to borrow Pedro.” Said Jose

211

Beloved us!!! A new thought came to my heart… or from my heart to my mind… what shall I write or share? Something that I really care and dare… and it is flowing… a new dictionary words… Let us use words from A to Z and not from the mind but from the heart… the meaning of any word is not what teachers or scholars or priests or parents they say but our senses… our experience… let us play with letter A… let us choose our choice…

What is a choice? You can choose to be miserable or to be blissful… what will make you sad and what will make you happy… yes! you are so right… accept this now as it comes… see the negative and the positive… this is the bigger vision… When you become more perceptive and your vision is bigger and you see both the sides together… you become a choiceless… a total acceptance… let both be there; there is no need to accept this and not that …

So no need to choose… let things settle themselves… Let it happen… life automatically goes on balancing itself… the world will not stop… nothing stops… things go on smoothly and so perfectly…

Once you have learned the knack of not choosing then there is nothing else to choose… or to learn...

So let us be who we are now… just be a witness… be your feeling… read our inner letters… the inner language… the dictionary of

212

our soul revolutionary… don‟t choose… let thing be… let God live through us. “Thy will be done” You are no more a chooser, no more a doer, you become a medium… then whatsoever happens is divine… is neither good nor bad… it is simply divine… a divine devil… a divine evil and live evil… The icon is one… you are no more a sinner nor a saint but a sage… the sage is the one who know what is good and what is bad and has gone beyond both… and he is no more interested in those divisions… he lives in a choiceless awareness… that is purity… and that is our divinity…

This itch to choose has to be dropped now… just see the oneness in the icon… the both sides are one… the negative is there, the positive is there… let it be so… it is how it should be… to be or not to be is our human becoming… it is the rivering of the river… it is a verb… a flowing… this is the balancing… the knowing… so be still and know that amness is godliness.

So let us play this joy and see the laughter in the joke of life… we are here to laugh too…back to our childhood…

213

Children Have you heard the giggle of a small child? His whole body participates in it… but when we laugh, it is very rare that our whole body laughs… it is just an intellectual, heady thing… In laughter, you suddenly forget all the tense… all the conditioning… all the training… all seriousness…

Suddenly… you are out of it, just for a moment… you are a child now… a new edition of life… of consciousness… children are fresh entries of divinity into life… be respectful… be understanding… let us love our inner child… unless we live this gift we don‟t live in the Kingdom of God…

A child is far more closer to God than us… they are still carrying the fragrance… But why do we want children? “Why not have a child?” That child is again a trick to escape from relationship…

First you escape from yourself, fall in love, then the relationship becomes heavy… you want to have a child so that you can escape into the child, so you can forget about the husband or the wife or the other or myself… so you can look after the child and you can live through the child and you can hope and dream through the child… that is again an escape… the child is in me… the truth is in me… the mystery is in me… so be in your being… in your life…

So let us listen to our inner child… While lecturing the Sunday school children about hell and the nature of sin, father David asks little Albert.

214

Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?” “Yes” says little Albert “They go in the bushes.”

The village priest approaches a group of small boys sitting in a circle around a dog. When he comes up to them, he asks: “What are you doing to the dog?” Little Jony answers; “Whoever tells the biggest lie, wins the dog.” “Oh, dear!” exclaims the priest, “I‟m surprised at you boys… when I was young like you, I never told a lie.” There is silence for a while until little Jony shouts out. “Okay, give him the dog!”

Little Albert goes to stay with his grandparents at their house in the country… grandpa and Albert slept together in the same bed so they go early fishing in the lake… In the middle of the night, grandpa wakes up, and shakes little Albert…”Quick! Go and get your grandma… I have got an erection… my first one since twenty years.” “Relax, grandpa…” says Albert sleepily... “That‟s my prick you are holding…”

215

One morning Miss Goodbody, the fifth grade teacher, asks the class what the best kind of business is. “Real estate“ says little Alex, because everybody needs somewhere to live, and houses always increase in value.” “Oil” says little Albert “because cars always needs petrol.” “No” says little Peggy from the back of the room… “The best business in the world is prostitution.” “What!” cries Miss Goodbody, shocked ...” Peggy! How can you say such a thing?” “Easy” replies Peggy “because it is the only business where you have it, you sell it and you still have it.”

One afternoon, Miss Goodbody stands up calls her class to attention… “Now I want complete silence!” she says “I want it so quiet, you can hear a pin drop.” A deep silence descends over the classroom… After two minutes, little Jony shouts out from the backs of the room…” For God‟s sake, miss, let it drop!”

The teacher asks her little students to tell about their acts of kindness to poor animals… after several of the children have told hearts stirring stories of kindness, the teacher asks little Alex if he has anything to tell… “Well”, said Alex proudly... “I once kicked a boy for kicking his dog…”

216

Little Mary is taken to the dentist‟s office for a checkup. “It is okay, Doc: says Mary “you can take off the mask, I have already recognized you.”

Little six-year-old Sally comes into the kitchen and asks: “Mommy, can I have babies?” “No, of course not, dear” her mother replies. Little Sally turns around and runs back outside shouting “okay boys, same game, same game.”

Little Eddy says to his mother, “Mom, I want to be early at school this afternoon so that I can sit in the front row… we are going to have a lesson on sex. When he returns home later that day, his mother notices that he looks very sad and disappointed… “What is the matter Eddy, didn‟t you enjoy the lesson?” She asks… “Phooey.” Replies Eddy, “it was all theory.”

Miss Holynose, the Sunday school teacher has just finished explaining about heaven… “Now” she says: “Hands up all those children who want to go to heaven.”

217

All children raise their hands except for little Nada in the front

row.

“Don‟t you want to go to heaven, Nada?” Asks Miss Holynose. “I can‟t” says Nada tearfully. “My mom told me to come straight home…”

Eleven-year-old Lucy is walking down the village street leading a cow by a rope… She meets the priest who says… ”Little girl, what are you doing with the cow?” “Please Sir” says Lucy… “It is my father‟s cow and I am taking her to the bull.” “Disgusting.” Says the priest, “Can‟t your father do that?” “No “says Lucy. “It has to be the bull.”

During English class one morning Miss Goodbody calls out, “Betty, tell me the meaning of the word trickle.” “To run slowly” says Betty “Quite right” says the teacher… “Now tell me the meaning of the word anecdote” “A short funny tale.” Says Betty… “Good girl” says the miss… “Now, Lucy see, if you can give me a sentence with both those words in it…” Lucy thinks for a moment:” Yes, I know.” She says “our dog tricked down the street waging his anecdote.”

218

Little Omar goes with his parents to a nudist beach for the first time… after looking around for few minutes, he asks his father why some men have big ones and some men have small ones…rather than go into a long explanation, his father replies: “The men that have big ones are smart and the men that have small ones are stupid.” Accepting this explanation, Omar goes off to explore the beach… time passes and he finally comes across his father again… “Have you seen your mother son?” asks his dad… “Yes” says Omar, “She is behind the bushes talking to some stupid guy who is getting smarter by a minute.”

When Goldman family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked little David how he like the new place… “It is terrific!” he says. “I have my own room. Sarah has her own room. Moses has his own room. But poor mom is still with Dad.”

Little Jimmy is putting his shoes on by himself for the first time, but he puts his right shoe on his left foot and vice versa… when he has finished, he runs to his mother… “Look mummy.” He says proudly “I put them on all by myself.” “That‟s very good” says Mom “but I am afraid you have put them on the wrong feet.”

219

Little Jimmy looks down and then says confidently: “No, mummy, these are definitely my feet…”

The math teacher turns to little David and says: “David, if your father borrowed 300 dollars and promised to pay back ten dollars a week, how much would he owe at the end of ten weeks?” “300 dollars.” Replied David quickly... “I am afraid that you don‟t know your maths very well.” “I am afraid that you don‟t know my father.”

Miss Thorn, standing in front of her class, asks… “Children, what part of the human anatomy expands twelve times when it is directly stimulated?” Little Susie, in the front row, starts laughing and giggling, trying to cover her mouth with her hand... in the back row, Johnny raises his hand… Miss Thorn says: ”Yes, Johnny?” Johnny stands up and says: ”Teacher, the iris of the human eye expands twelve times when it is directly stimulated by light.” “Very good, Johnny” says Miss Thorn, “That‟s the correct answer… and Susie, you have a dirty little mind, and when you grow up you are going to be very disappointed.”

220

Little Albert goes to his father and says: “Dad, where did I come from?” His father starts to stutter and stammer, but he realizes that he has got to tell Albert the facts of life… ”Sit down son” he says. At great length he describes the whole business, beginning with the birds and bees… Then he goes into the most graphic description of people having sex… when he has done he takes out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his brow… “Okay, Albert, do you understand now?” Not really Dad, Jony says he came from New York, but you have not told me where I came from?

It happened in the religious class of a small school. The teacher was telling the students to draw according to them, the concept of God. She had been explaining to them the Christian concept of God… The bishop had come to see how things are going in the class, and she wanted to show something from the small boys and girls… They had all drawn pictures, and one small boy had drawn a picture of an airplane with four windows… even the bishop was struck… what kind of an idea of God does he have? And from every window something looking like a man? The teacher said: “What is this? is this your idea of God? The boy said:” You have told us that God is a trinity… The first is God the father… you can see… with the beard of ancient old age… in the second window is the son… you can even see the cross… Jesus Christ… In the third you don‟t see any face because it is the Holy Ghost… just something like a whirlwind.” The bishop and the teacher together asked him… what about the fourth? From where has the fourth come?” The little boy said: “The

221

fourth? Pontius the pilot… without him the airplane will go out of control.”

Yes my friends… where is our innocence… our childhood… our intuition… our ignorance… let us look for our inner treasure and know this lecture.

222

Lecture Let us listen to the lecture of our inner treasure… inner silence and inner stillness… be still and know that I am godlessness… I am the nothingness… this awareness is in all of us … what is Christ saying to us now… so is Mohammad… and every being of light…

“My lecture is a song… it is a song with nature… it is a symphony with existence… it is an overflowing of love… of joy… of dance… these words are my gestures not lectures… and listen to me as you listen to a bird not to philosopher… I am not pouring any morality to you… any „should‟… „ought‟… I am not giving you any ideals… I am simply sharing my joy… my many gestures… someday, some gesture may hit you in the right moment… when you are ready and ripe, it will happen… just listen and be with me… this is a great communion… when you are total, when you have just become ears… suddenly there will be a lightning… and you will have understood and you will stay home… in our inner dome… these are not lectures that I am delivering to you… this is my being that I am sharing with you... become more sensitive… become more loving… become more receptive… become more feminine… become a womb… and sooner or later you are bound to be who you are… you are bound to get pregnant with the superconsciousness … this is our birthright… this is who we are… let us be aware of this awareness…”

Yes! I can be aware…but not when the act is finished…it is too late… Let us be aware while the act is happening…in the act itself… Then the second step, which is even more difficult… it is going into deep waters… remembering before the act, when the act has not happened yet…but it has become a thought in your mind… it is there

223

like a seed… it can become an act any moment…sit silently and watch your thoughts… how it comes…and how it leaves you… catch hold of yourself in the middle of your thoughts…

And the third difficulty is to catch hold of this process before it becomes a thought… that is the most difficult…right now…watch your feelings… then comes the thought… then comes the act… Just watch now… what is my feeling? Fear? Jealousy? …disturbed? Something is getting ready underground… some feeling is gathering force… a feeling is trying to come above the ground…

If you are able to become aware of the thought, then sooner or later you will become aware of the subtle nuances of the feeling… just remember that a thought is a destiny… and we are free to choose… the power of love or the love of power? What is my choice? Yes! My choice is to be what I am now… Let Thy will be done… listen to your heart… to your joy… to your happiness… to your sadness… to your pain… no pain no gain… what is the message? Enjoy it… life is only a joke… laughter… a total acceptance as I am now… and thank you for your jokes…

The polite way to pee. During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a young nice lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to… the bathroom? “Just a minute I have to go pee” said Michael. The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite.”

224

” what about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I will be right back.” “That‟s better, but it‟s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table… And you little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?” Said the teacher... Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine… without him I am not here… and I hope to introduce him to you after dinner!” The teacher was speechless and fainted…

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap… Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out… she motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book… along comes a man in his boat… he pulls up alongside the woman and says : “good morning Ma‟am… what are you doing?” “Reading a book” she replies “You are in a fishing area.” He informs her. “I‟m sorry, but I am not fishing… I am reading.” “Yes! But you have all the equipment… you could start at any moment… I will have to take you in and write you up… you have to pay for it.” “For reading a book!” She replies. “You‟re in a restricted fishing area.” he informs her again. “I am sorry, officer, but I‟m not fishing, I‟m reading.”

225

“Yes! but you have all the equipment… for all you know you could start at any moment… so you have to come in!” “If you do that, I will have to charge you with sexual assault.” Says the women. “But I haven‟t even touched you!” says the man. “That‟s true, but you have all the equipment… for all I know you could start at any moment.” “Have a nice day ma‟am” and he left.

Never argue with a woman who reads… it‟s likely she can also thinks…

Let us read what we need or greed or desire… What is my desire? Am I sure I will be alive tomorrow? So all desires are insane… what exists is the present… so let us live this now… let us change the object and desire to be who I am now!! This enlightenment… means desire was freed from all greeds at all objects… you become the subject… the pure love, compassion, life and light…

This is our birthright… this is who we are… when you feel fulfilled there will be no birth again because there will be no need… you don‟t have any hankering… when you feel fulfilled you are finished… then your training on this planet is complete, then your training in this body is done… is complete… you need not have another body…

So we do desire … we are a body-mind person… but the being will be aware of this step… and you will be transformed in the pure desire of here-now… when there is nothing to desire, there is nothing to

226

dream about… “Let Thy will be done.” And Jesus became Christ… super-consciousness … nowhere to go… you are home… you are now here… this is the new birth… the resurrection… born again a human becoming… this is our nature… our birthright… the drop, the wave and the ocean are one… why desire? You are that which is…

Take a deep breath… and be grateful… pure energy was left… pure light… this is the insight… when there is nothing left to hope for… Yes my us… there is nothing that we need…all is inside us… in is our inn… our home… our dome… and nowadays we have the internet and the inner net… so what else do we desire?

Alexander the great or the greed wanted to conquer the world and what did he do? You have all what you desire but you don‟t have yourself… If you win yourself… you are the master and the servant… the whole holy spirit of God… you are the life, light a love and laughter…

Vaseline survey A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet… He says, “I am doing some research for Vaseline… have you ever used the product?” She says, “Yes, my husband and I use it all the time.” “And if you don‟t mind me asking, what do you use it for.” “We use it for sex.” “I admire you for your honesty, usually people lie to me… can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex.”

227

“I don‟t mind telling you at all… my husband and I put Vaseline on the door knob and the kids can‟t open the door.” … And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke…!

A catholic, a protestant, a muslim and a jew were in a discussion during a dinner… Catholic:” I have a large fortune … I am going to buy Citibank!” Protestant:” I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!” Muslim :”Since I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!” They then all wait for the Jew to speak… the Jew stirs coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: “ I am not selling.”

Moses, a nice Jewish boy from Berlin, goes to live in America. After few years, he comes back home… He looks totally American… his Mom was worried… “Oh! My son where are your beautiful long whistlers?” “Ah… Mamma… nobody wears a beard where I was.” “But tell me, you have at least been keeping the Sabbath?” “Mamma… business is business! In America we work on the Sabbath.” “But Kosher food you still eat?” “I am an American now… it is very difficult to keep Kosher in America…”

228

The old lady look at her son in shock… she hesitates for a moment and then asks him… “Are you still circumcised?”

A friend of mine just told me that she is going back to the box… to the marriage cage… so we need more and more pain to learn the lesson… I am not against marriage if… if… if it has love if love is uniting us… but what we see and live that marriage is the cause of divorce… we depend on each other and this is the anger, rage, hate conflict and name it…

Once you don‟t need the other you can share your joy and sharing is beautiful… Let us call it friendship because the word marriage became poisoned… it is a spiritual unity… but no more as it was… so let us be aware of our love and our needs to each others… there are many things which you can never develop alone… even your own growth needs a friend someone to respond… someone so intimate that you can open yourself totally to him or her…

Marriage is a deep spiritual communion, and if such marriage happens, then we give birth to very different souls… very qualitatively different souls… but our marriages are just sexual… arrangements or for a momentary romantic love… which is illness by itself… In a really healthy society there will be no more romance… there will be love , then marriage will be on a deeper level and it will never be frustrating… it will be for more intimate “I-Thou”

229

Togetherness… training for egolessness… but we don‟t know about that kind of marriage at all… marriage is a spiritual at-onemoment… a merging of two hearts into totality… Yes! Let us have fun jokes about marriage… Judy comes back from her honeymoon and is gossiping with her friend, Diane… “Well, how was your honeymoon night?” “Oh, Diane! It was horrible… all night… up and down… in and out… up and down… in and out… Never get a room next to the elevator!”

Paddy comes home an hour earlier than usual and finds his wife naked on the bed… when he asks why, she explains: “I am protesting because I don‟t have any nice clothes to wear.” Paddy pulls open the closet door… “That‟s ridiculous” he says, “Look in here… There is a yellow dress, a red stress, a green dress… Hi Bill… a print dress, a pantsuit…”

The worried housewife is sitting in the doctor‟s office… “Doctor,” she says, “I have come to see you about my husband… he has been a good husband, happy and very devoted to me… but since he came to you to see about his headaches he has been a different man… Now he never comes home night, he never looks at me… your treatment seems to have changed his entire personality.” “Treatment? All I did was give him a prescription for a pair of glasses.” Said the doctor…

230

A man went to visit an old married couple he had not seen for some time… The old wife greeted him at the door and the man asked” Hello Mabel, and how is Jack?” “Ah, did not you hear?” said Mabel “He died a little while ago.” “I am very sorry to hear that, tell me how did it happen?” “Well, he had gone into the garden to pick some reges for our dinner when he just collapsed and died….” “Good Lord, that‟s terrible… what on earth did you do?” “What could I do? I opened a can of peas…”

A shy young girl is about to get married, so she goes to see her very experienced friend for some advice… “Doris, it may sound silly, but there are a few things I just have to ask you.” “That‟s okay, just go ahead” “Okay, is it alright to talk to your husband while making love?” “Well, I must admit that I have never done that, but I suppose there is nothing wrong in it as long as there is a telephone within reach.”

The priest is visiting a young widow who had just moved to his parish… After talking with her for while he raises a questioning eyebrow and says “Now let me get this straight… you say a child of two

231

and another three years old and yet you say that your husband has been dead for seven years… ”yes.” says the women “but I am not.”

A husband is complaining that his wife is a liar… “What makes you say that?” Asks his friend… “Well, she came home this morning and told me she spent the night with Mary.” “Well, maybe she did, how do you know she was lying?” “How do I know? Because I spent the night with Mary!”

Old David is seventy-five when he decides to marry a young girl of twenty… one of his friends who are worried about him, said… David, do you realize that a man of your age having sex with a young girl could be very dangerous... even fatal?” David thinks for a while, then shrugs and says… “Oh, well, if she dies, she dies!”

Jacks asks his wife Jill, which she likes more … Xmas or sex … Christmas she says… Why is that? Is it more romantic? No… but it happens more often…

232

This is our tenth wedding anniversary, so let us have a chicken from our own farm and celebrate… The husband, who is reading the newspaper looks up and says… why kill an innocent bird for what happened ten years ago?

Walking down the street in New York, Albert said to his wife Sarah… “Hey… did you see that pretty girl smiling at me?” “That‟s nothing, the first time I saw you I laughed out loud…”

George comes home one night and starts to pack his bags… “So, where are you going?” Asks his wife Gladys… “To Tahiti…” “Tahiti? Why Tahiti?” “Simple, every time you make love to a woman there, she gives you five dollars…” Then Gladys starts packing her bags “So where are you going?” “I am going to Tahiti…” “What for?” “I want to see how you are going to live on ten dollars a year…”

233

A new group of husbands has just arrived and saint peter is looking them over… “Okay, all you men who were henpecked on the earth please step to the left…All those who were the boss of the house please step to the right…” The line quickly forms on the left… only one man steps to the right… seeing him looking more like a mouse than a lion, saint peter inquires... “And what makes you think that you belong on the right side?” “Well.” Squeaks the man, “This is where my wife told me to stand…”

The wife is very sick… so the husband calls the doctor… After examining her… the doctor said… “Your wife has only a few hours to live… so don‟t let yourself suffer…” “It is all right doc… I have suffered for forty years; I can suffer a few more hours…”

234

Suffering Why suffer? Growth in itself has no suffering in it. Suffering comes from our resistance towards growth. We are afraid to go totally into it, we go only half-heartedly. This inner conflict inside us creates suffering. So if we cooperate totally there is no suffering at all. If we are in let-go we rejoice. I am the cause of suffering. Let us remember three things… Drop the past if you want to grow… no judgment… no right or wrong… your dead past remains so heavy on you that it does not allow you to move…

Drop the past completely and you will be surprised: much of the suffering has disappeared.

The second thing to remember is… don‟t create any expectations for the future… The ocean decides not the wave. The wave has to be in a state of let-go. Drop the expectations for the future… remain open, remain available to whatsoever happens… but don‟t plan ahead. Ant the third is: whoever tries to help us to grow has not been able to create a meditative space in us. So there is constant struggle … no rest… so let us create a meditative state in us… so let us remember three points…

Drop the past, drop future expectations, create a connection between in and out… far east and far west and be in the middle and let Thy will be now… a total trust and all misery disappears… be in the meditative space within you…

235

So there is no need to find out what to do, and how to stop… the only need is to go deep and to find out who is really the cause of it. If others are the cause then it cannot be stopped… I can‟t stop the wars… I cannot change the world… if I am the cause, only then can it be stopped…

But don‟t deceive yourself… you can… that is why let us say it… when you are suffering you can say… “Yes, I have created this suffering…” but deep down you know that someone else has created it … your wife… your husband… your boss… someone else… and this is simply a consolation because you cannot do anything… you console yourself… you say ..”No one has created it... I have created it myself… and by and by I will stop it...”

There is no by and by … if you understand that you created it… it will drop immediately… and it is not going to come up again… I am the cause and I am the cure... I am my own master not a slave to others… If the Gold says why… then the gold remains impure… worthless… only by passing through the fire will all that is not gold be burned, and only the purest gold will remain. That is what liberation is all about…

It is our stupidity that we have been listening to idiots of all kinds… and their whole purpose is to make us sad, because if they succeed in making humanity sad and serious, they have taken away the possibility of your being in tune with the joy of nature and you can be enslaved... Only laughter can be a revolt, a revolution… a transformation… start laughing about your politicians who have been deceiving us for centuries… let us enter into a new era, where everybody is joyful,

236

loving, laughing… you are your own guitar... let existence sing through us… laugh through us… let us have fun with presidents…

Obama goes into a bar in Washington looking for some actions… he sees three women sitting together a blonde, a brunette and a redhead… To the blonde, he says, “I‟m the president of America, how much would it cost me to spend the night with you?” “Two hundred bucks.”

Then he asks the brunette the same question and she says: “Three hundred bucks.”

Then he asks the redhead, and she says.” Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, then get my panties as low as my wages, then get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and screw me the way you screw the public … believe me Mr. President, it won‟t cost you a penny.”

George Bush, the American vice president, telephones the justice department at three o‟clock in the morning… he insists that he must speak to the chief justice immediately… finally, the housekeeper decides to wake him up. “Well, what is it?” “Your honor, Ronald and Nancy have just taken poison together in the white house and they are both dead!” “Really?” Says the judge, yawning…

237

“Yes, really!” cries Bush … “The undertaker is home already to put them in their coffins.” “Really?” says the sleepy judge “Yes, really!” Shouts Bush “and since I am the president, I want to take Reagan‟s place!” “Well, it‟s okay with me replies the judge” if it‟s okay with the undertaker.”

Nancy and Ronald Reagan go out to a restaurant for dinner… The waiter asks Nancy what she would like to eat. “I would like to have a steak.” Says Nancy “And would you like to have some wine with your meal?” “Yes! A bottle of your finest.” Says Nancy The waiter then asks her.” Then how about the vegetable?” “Ah!” says Nancy “He will have the same as me.”

Let us sex too… A recent survey of men‟s sexual practices revealed that after intercourse, twenty percent roll over and go to sleep, two percent have a shower, three percent go to the refrigerator for a snack, and seventy per cent get up, get dressed and go home.

238

Two nuns are walking through the woods one evening when they are jumped on by two men who drag them into the bushes and begin to rape them… Sister Mary, bruised and battered, looks up at the sky and begins to pray softly, “Forgive me Lord, for he knows not what he is doing.” Sister Teresa looks over and says, “That‟s a pity, mine does.”

A girl says to her date “you remind me of the sea.” “You mean.” He says, “Because I am so wild, magnificent and romantic.” “No” she replies “because you make me sick.”

After their first date, Mary refused to see George anymore… he began to write her twice a day… he kept on writing love letters to her for 63 days… On the sixty-fourth day… the campaign produces results… Mary ran off with the mail man…

And who is the idiot who calls a joke about sex is dirty? No joke is dirty… it has become dirty in our minds because our priests have been preaching against sex…

239

Just ask a small boy: “Is anything dirty in your body?” and he will say, “I don‟t know… I don‟t see anything dirty… all is beautiful, healthy and functional.” It took thousands of years in the west for Sigmund Freud to be born and to have courage to talk about sex openly… and he was condemned by all the so-called sophisticated and cultured and educated and powerful people as a dirty old man… Talking about something which should not be talked about… In the East… thousands of years ago the book about sex Kamasutra existed… it means maximum on sex… and the east has not condemned the man who wrote the book but has accepted him in the same respect as any holy book… as any enlightened being… the science of sex has been almost completely developed ten thousand years before any other man or place… The east respects the nature of our nurture… there is no sin… the only sin is to say there is a sin… Let us be aware of who we are and why we are here and don‟t listen to others … listen to your own heart… be still and wake up and be yourself…

240

Religion What is religion? Let us listen to our inner master! No one can teach it unless you catch it… it is to total man… one of the greatest problems that humanity is facing today is the fragmentary man…

For centuries we have divided life into compartments… we are no more united… no unity anymore… each one of us is expert in one drop and knows nothing about anything else…

We became very much informed; knowledgeable about one aspect of life at the cost of the whole… our vision is lopsided. The science of today is knowing more and more about less and less… The problem now is how to make all these experts understand each other, how to create bridges… man is one organic unity…life is not divided, but we look at it as if it is divided that “as if” is a fiction… A man is not only a father, he is also a husband, a son, an uncle, a brother… a friend… so many things… so many names… so many acts… you cannot define him by a label… a man… or a woman… has multi-dimensional being…

Religion, in fact, is not one-dimensional… religion is a very comprehensive view of the whole of life…

Religion has to be all inclusive … a politician may not be able to make any statement about religion, because he is working in a onedimensional pursuit…

Politics is one-dimensional, science is one-dimensional, so is art, philosophy… that‟s where religion is totally different from all pursuits…

241

it is a vision that includes all … hence a religious man has to be aware about the whole…

So it is time to redefine religion! I don‟t believe in the religions that we have… let us live the inner religiousness of our existence that which includes all… La ilaha illa ilahu… no God but God… Only God is… Religion is like a bird‟s - eye view: the hills, the rivers, the tree, the people, all are included… that‟s the beauty of religion: it is not a specialized field… religion arises in wonder and awe… If you can feel wonder, if you can feel awe, you are religious.

Not by reading any holy book but by experiencing the awe in us… when you see the sky full of stars… do you feel a dance in your heart? Do you feel a communion with the stars?

Then you are a religious… a childlike… an innocent being in the Kingdom of God...

You are not religious by going to the church or by going to the temple and repeating words like parrots… religion is a love affair… a love affair with existence…

Look at nature… the wolves speak with the moon, but just like the mosses… they are not aware… let us be aware now… it is the immediate concern, not the ultimate concern... Now-here or nowhere.

Religion is not a desire for the distant… a curiosity for the faraway… it is an inquiry into one‟s own being… there are many

242

religions … but not the religion… they are the reflections of the moon in many kinds of minds… they are not the real moon…

The moon is one but it can be reflected in millions of lakes… reflections differ, but the reflected is one… mind is a mirror… when religion is reflected through the mind many sects and many religions… when the religion is not a reflected one, when one comes face to face with reality without any mind whatsoever, when there is no mind between you and the truth… then the religion is born…

The word “religion” is very beautiful… it means to rejoin, to reunite... with whom? With yourself… with the source of your being… and why reunite? Because with the source you are already united… it is a reunion… it is back to the source… as if the branches have forgotten about the roots… not that they are broken from the fruits and the roots... they have simply forgotten …

It is normal to forget because we are busy in our daily business… so soon we see great changes on the planet earth… all this greenery, and all these flowers and all these fruits will simply disappear like dreams once they are cut from the roots…

That‟s how it happen to us… we move in the branches, farther away from the roots… we come to many flowers… we are enchanted… the world is beautiful around us … we forget about the roots… but not uprooted… we will come back home and we reunite and this is the meaning of religion to remember… to become the member again… part of the royal family of the Kingdom of God.

243

The ego is always concerned with the others, this way or that … when you become totally with yourself, ego drops… and you have no ego… the ego is not in you…

Once the ego is no more in us… we are free… you are so alone but not lonely… you are here, alive centers, receptive, listening to your inner treasure… yes! The master is sharing the truth which is here but for the chosen few… when there is a listener, the dialogue becomes alive… then it has significance which no scripture can ever have…

Religion happens only between two persons… one who knows , and one who does not know but is ready to know … suddenly religion is born… this is the religiousness of the heart… no creed… no dogma… no ideology … no mental slavery… it is a love affair … far deeper than the intellect… it is of the heart … the inner being is transformed… To be with the real religion is to walk on fire… only the essence will survive … to be with a Christ is a death… then life comes… die before you die… this is the secret of resurrection…

To be with a master is to be ready to die and ready to be born a new… Religion is consolation; conformation… religiousness is revolution, rebellion… so be a rebel… be a jewel not a pebble… this is who we are!!!

Let us enjoy our joy… David goes to his father and says “Dad, I want to marry Suzy.” “Don‟t marry her, my son, when I was young man, I was pretty wild and to say the truth, she is your half-sister.”

244

Sometimes later … he goes to his father “Dad, I am in love with Melda and I want to marry her.” “You can‟t … she is your half-sister.” “How about Mabel?” “Sorry… she is your half-sister too”

David goes to his mom…” dad says I can‟t marry Suzy, Melds, Mabel and maybe others too… what can I do?” “Don‟t worry son … you marry any of them you like… he is not your father.”

A salesman is forced to share a room with a rabbi in a crowded hotel… he enters the room and finds the rabbi kneeling in a corner… murmuring his prayers…” hi … I‟m your new roommate.” The rabbi nods without interrupting his prayers “Well then, which bed shall I take?” The rabbi points to one bed… continuing to pray… the salesman unpacks his bag… then says “say, rabbi, do you mind if I bring up a girl?” The rabbi, still praying, shouts: “Not one, two!”

A traveling salesman, staying overnight in a hotel, finds a Bible by his bed… on the front page is this inscription:” If you are sick, read page 42… if you are worried about your family , read page 68… if you are lonely , read page 92…”

245

He is feeling lonely, so he opens the page 92 and reads it… when he has finished he notices on the bottom of the page the hand-written words: “If you are still lonely, call 62485 and ask for Gloria.”

An old couple is sitting at home one evening listening to the faith healer on the radio… Okay folks… God wants to heal you all. All you have to do is put one hand on the radio and the other hand on the part that is sick.” The old lady gets up, shuffles over the radio and puts her hand on her head… Then the old man puts one hand on the radio and the other hand on his fly… the wife looks at him with contempt and says “you old idiot… the man said he would heal the sick, not raise the dead!”

An old preacher has used the letters B.S., M.S., and PhD. after his name… but an old women questions him about it… well, sister… you know what B.S. stands for, don‟t you? Yes! I sure do… Bull Shit… right… and M.S… more shit… and ph. D. means piled high and deep…

Three women die and arrive at the pearly gates, where they are met by Saint Peter… “Did you avoid sex on the earth?” he asks the first lady… “I absolutely avoided it…” she replies “Very good … here is a golden key; it will open the door of paradise.” Then he turns to the second woman and asks:”what about you?”

246

“Well… about half and half” “Okay here is a silver key; it will open the doors of purgatory.” Then he asks the third women “what about you?” “Me… I did all the things you can imagine and also many things you can‟t imagine!” Great… here is the key to my room… I‟ll be coming there in a minute.”

The mother superior wakes up in a happy mood and went to meet the sisters… “God bless you sister are you happy at your work?” “Yes, but I am sorry to see you got out of bed on the wrong side this morning.” The mother met four sisters and all of them said the same remark… so she asked a young sister. “Do you also feel I got out of bed on the wrong side?” “Yes mother!” replies the girl… “But why?” cries the mother superior... “I am happy and pleasant to you all” Yes, mother “but you are wearing father David‟s slippers”

247

Animals Thank you for your questions about animals… and for this joke to start with… Bishop David buys two parrots and teaches them to say the rosary… He even has two tiny sets of rosary beads made for them. After months of training the parrots are able to recite the rosary and use the beads at the same time… David is so pleased that he decides to teach another parrot the rosary… he goes to the pet shop and buys a female parrot, which he brings home and put into the cage with the other two… As he does this, one parrot turns to the other and says “throw away your beads, George, our prayers have been answered…”

Let us see if our question have been answered… what can we say about the animal? When for the first time Darwin said that man is a growth, a growth from certain animal species, he was opposed because man has always been thinking of himself as a descendant of God… just a little bit lower than angels. And to conceive of the ape as man‟s father was very difficult… in a way, impossible… God has been the father, and suddenly Darwin changed it… God became dethroned and apes where throned… but the evolution is from the same center but on a

different level… we all came from God but God lives in us… so man is higher than any creation… we have lust and love … love is divine. Lust is animal… and man hangs between the two… so love can manifest in both ways… as lust , as animal desire … then it is possessiveness , jealousy, then it is a subtle effort to dominate the other… to exploit the

248

other… or it can express itself as divine... then it is pure fragrance , prayer..

One has to be very aware not to get these two mixed things mixed… and one has to constantly move onwards so that the animal is left behind... Slowly slowly a point comes, a point of no-return, from where the animal disappears, it does not follow you any more… that is the moment of light from light… Samadhi… enlightenment… then all that you are is purely divine, godly… but love is the door… love is the energy to become compassion… to be transformed … love is the only energy available to man… through it you can fall, through it you can rise… downwards or upwards… it depends on how you use it…

Love is a great art… the art consists in dropping the animal more and more and evolving divine consciousness is your being... this is the balance of ying yang… male female… or anima and animus

In each being there is anima… the feminine principle … the women, the substance of consciousness… it is the house in which consciousness lives…

Women love the house… the body … man is a wonderer a traveler… a hunter… the women loves her clothes… her land… her ornaments … this is the substance …

Animus is the yang … the male principle … man is a dreamer … went to the moon... she goes shopping in the mall… she is down-to-earth… earthly… our mother earth… the male principle is like the sky man dreams , plans, desires, longs for the unknown things… man is an adventurer, ready to risk his life for any dream…

249

Anima and animus are like a cup- a body mind… it is the form… it is the matter… the spirit has to be the master… the spirit has to rise above the body… the body follow the spirit … so if you are a man or a women does not matter… the spirit is whole and holy… the anima… the yin energy has to be made a follower of the animus because only the yang energy can search and seek…

In the search for God, or truth, the man has to lead and the women has to follow… inside us the animus has to be the master… and the anima is the follower and, remember again , irrespective of whether you are a man or a woman…

No wonder why man is a prophet!!! But this is only to show you the power of the cup… the form… the adventurer…

Woman is stagnant… man is dynamic… that is why you see women looking so restful and men looking so restless… hence the roundness and the beauty of women and the constant feverish state of man. But to grow you will need the restless principle in you, because growth means change… but man goes to war… this is not the way… women goes out shopping… this is not the way either… go in … in is our mine… our inn…

Growth needs the principle of stasis in us to melt… so we can become a river… a rivering power… so we look for the banks and we reach the ocean … the man is the banks… this is the perfect balance… the balance is in us… in the manwomen… in the being… in the core of the heart … so let us be aware of our animus and our anima to make our growth … our established fact… not just a momentary phenomenon… so let us release our static life… to release your animus from the grip of the

250

anima… let us live our balance and be free… from ignorance to innocence… this is the secret of the dynamic meditation … First we have to become a river, only then can your banks be used as supports... we are both…

If your anima can help your animus that is the real marriage … the inner marriage … then you start becoming integrated and the world is no more… you are no more … only the ONE is…

First change yourself… experience the truth in yourself… it has nothing to do in the outside world…

Inside me… these two principles are constantly in fight… call them life/death… darkness/light… man/women… X/Z … whatsoever you will… and this is our misery, our anguish… our hell… let them become friends… let our energy circulate with this balance not against each other. Let them come closer to each other… we know how and why but why we do not be it? It is our birth right… our childhood… our innocence… our inner orgasm… our inner intercourse between the woman and man... that is the real Tantra … the meeting of the man and woman in you within us…

The meeting of the man and woman on the outside is just an introduction… the inner marriage is our freedom from any cage… this is the real sage in us… no sinner and no saint… no goal and no hope… just in the middle of the balance is the growth of the being… is the Sundays… is the super-consciousness…

This is the highest insight in us… only in us… the godliness in our heart... so near … why go so far…

251

Let us go in… few minutes a day… take deep breath... and do any dynamic dance… any energy change and keep on being in your awareness…

Who am I? Why I am her? Why war? Why not peace? If not now when? If not you and me? Who else?

Now-here or nowhere else… we are the highest creature that the creator created and is living in the core of our being… let us be who we are!! To be or not to be is the balance… is our choice… is our grace… Yes we can!!! Yes it is I-M-possible … we are the amness of God… we are the medium in the middle of the cross… we have the divinity of the trinity Self- Soul – Spirit Let us live this being… this is unity… this is the communion with the one… now we are at-one ment with the One… Yes! Amen… yes... Alleluia… This is the benediction … when all is gone… only the ONE is in and on…

Let us have fun!! David is really pissed off when a neighbor phones at 3:00 a.m and complains... “Your dog is barking so loudly that I can't sleep!” Then he hangs up before David can reply... So the following morning at 3:00 a.m David calls his neighbor and says, “I don't have a dog!”

252

Grandma takes her grandchild shopping and leaves the house empty except for the parrot by the door... The plumber arrives to fix something in the house, and knocks on the door... “Who is it?” “It's the plumber...” Nothing happens... he knocks again... “Who is it?” The plumber... there is silence... he knocks again and has a heart condition... “Who is it?” Answered the parrot... “It is the plumber!” He yells and collapses in a faint... Half an hour later, grandma returns with the kids... The little girl points at the boy on the ground... “Who is that?” She asks... “The parrot squawks...” “It is the plumber!”

Two old cows are standing together in a posture chewing the cud, when one of them looks up and says, “Look, here comes that cross-eyed bull... we had better separate or he will miss us both...”

A handsome tomcat has just moved into the neighbourhood, and all the other cats are very interested... One of them has the first date...

253

“Well” they all cry the next morning... “How did you get on?” “A completely wasted evening” replies the pretty cat... “All he would talk about was his operation.”

Mrs Bucks stands before the chimpanzee cage and watches in frozen fear as one of the chimps picks up a peanut and places it in his rectum... then pulls it out and eats it... She rushes over to the zookeeper and says... “I thought this animal is the most intelligent animal next to man... Why is he doing this? “ “That's right lady... but he has a reason for this, tell me why? Well... some kids were here yesterday and gave him peaches to eat... He had trouble in passing the pits... so now he checks everything for the size...”

Becky is becoming extremely upset and lonely, because all the time her husband is holding the newspaper or all night watching television... So what to do? She goes to the pet shop to find a companion... “If you are looking for an unusual pet, this cage contains a giant bird, whose beak and claws are capable of destroying anything.” Said the shop owner...

254

“How horrible!” Says Becky... “Not at all, this bird is remarkably well-behaved and completely obedient... He will only destroy something if he is given the command such as... Goony bird, the chair, Goony bird the table, then he will fly into action” “Could he destroy a TV set?” “Of course... he will turn it into dust in a matter of seconds” So Becky took the Goony bird home... Sure enough, the husband is in front of the TV, so she opens the cage... The husband looks up and says, “ What sort of pet did you buy, dear?” “I bought a Goony bird...” preparing to give the command... The husband goes back to watching TV and says, “Goony bird, my ass!”

A man with a smart dog goes into a bar... After ordering a drink, he tells the bartender that he would like to buy some cigarettes... But the bartender replies that they have run out... So the man says, “That's alright... I will just send my dog across the street to get some...” He reaches into his pockets and gives the dog a twenty dollars bill in his mouth... “Boy, run across the street and get me some cigarettes... and don't forget to bring the change.”

255

Immediately the poodle runs out the front door... A man sitting at the bar says to the dog's owner... “Say, that dog is really something!” “Sure, he can do all sorts of stuff... he is an amazing dog...” just then they hear the loud sound of tires screeching... the man runs out into the street and sees a car stopped right in front of his dog, who is making love to another poodle, right in the middle of the road... “Hey” says the man to his dog, “what is going on? You never did this before???” The dog looks up at him and says... “I never had twenty dollars before.”

Yes my friends... The money is power but we don't know how to use it... the power is not in the paper but in the owner...

256

WHO IS THE OWNER? You are the owner of any power... you are the master of any dust or lust or lost... It is up to me de decide... me an humanbecoming as a man... Man is not born perfect... he is born as a process... he is born on the way... we are here as a pilgrim... This is the agony and ecstasy... We are here to seek and search and explore... to become... becoming is our being... we can only be if we are on the move... the river is rivering...

Evolution is intrinsic to man's nature... evolution is his very soul... And those who take themselves for granted remain unfulfilled... then the seed remains... The seed never becomes a tree and never knows the joy of spring and sunshine and the rain and the ecstasy of bursting into millions of flowers...

That explosion is the fulfillment... is what God is about... our inner godliness... our inner stillness... We are born as a potential... that is unique to man... all other animals are born complete, they are born as they are going to die... there is no evolution between their birth and their death... They move on the same plane, they never go through any transformation... No radical change in their life ever happens.. they move horizontally, the vertical never penetrates them... So let us be aware of who we are.... what is a man??

Let us be who we are... let us read... let us meditate... let us be with a real master and real communes... In such places we move horizontally and vertically... if man moves only horizontally he will miss his manhood, he will not become a soul... Yes! Jesus and many others said it... It is very rare that a person has a soul... we are born only with the

257

potential o becoming a soul, not as we have been told by our parents or teachers or priests... Yes... you are a seed... but you have to plant it... search for the soil and then season and rich climate, and the right moment to explode, to grow... when the vertical penetrates you, you become a soul... Soul means the vertical has penetrated into the horizontal... or as an example... we can think of a caterpillar, the cocoon, and the butterfly... Man is born as a larva... but many will die as larvae... very few become caterpillars... A larva is static... it knows no movement, it remains stuck at one space, at one place, at one stage... rare people they take risk and become a butterfly... then the vertical enters in...

Let us grow our wings and fly... and move upwards to godwards... this is our birthright... This is our seed and our soul and our holy spirit...

It is time to wake up and be who we are...

My beloved man! You are an ambitious being... half earth, half sky, half matter, half mind, half animal, half God... That is the agony of man and also the ecstasy... to be this or to be that...

What do you want to be? It is our choice?

Let us live our choice... the animal pulls me backwards... the God pulls me forwards... Why go to the history that we know? Repetition dulls our consciousness... and reduces us to a machine... and it is boring, there is no adventure any more... The body wants to fall back, the spirit wants to go ahead... and the call to God, the call of the beyond, or

258

whatever you wish to call it... truth, beauty... love... life... the call of the beyond is the only call... it gives a thrill... one feels alive again... it is a challenge... a challenge is a change.. it touches the spirit... so no more sleep.. no more dullness...

Let us wake up! Take a deep breath!!

You become more alert and more conscious... Yes! It is a risk too... a great danger too... the unknown place... who knows what is going to happen? It is dark and there is no map and no nap... Just like a bird flying in the sky leaves not a foot print... It is a total trust in God... in existence... in trust itself...

Yes my soulfriend... man is a becoming not a being... not a fixed program... not a rose... not a dog... man is only an opportunity, multypaths... he can be a hitter, he can be a Christ... poles apart... both are men, but they have moved in different dimensions and directions...

Man brings with him only a clean slate... he has to write his own fate, he has to decide what he wants to be... he has freedom, absolute freedom... he comes without a program... he may remain retarded... childish... he may miss the whole opportunity to grow... it is our choice... what do you want? To be a Christian or Christ??

Man is a ladder, and unless you are growing towards heights and depths, unless you are growing every moment towards the top of selfrealization... You are not a man... you are missing the challenge... you are missing the opportunity... you are a crowd...

259

A man has to be ready, always ready each moment to go and search for the unknown and the only unknowable... it is a pilgrimage from head to heart... from the cage to the sage...

Let us be ready now to be with a sage... I have my own lover... find the one you love... a real master... alone you cannot do it... you cannot be it... we are a pilgrimage from animal to God...

260

PILGRIMAGE... Yes my friend... we are here to be a pilgrim... but we are tourists… very rare to come across a pilgrim... a tourist is superficial... in a hurry... in rushing from one room to another room... he is not even aware why we are doing this... We are restless... it is an expression of our inner restlessness...

The pilgrim is a sacred search... seeking the truth in us... a passionate desire to know... to be in the energy fields where we can dissolve in the mystery of life... This is what I am looking for... a place where the ego can die and I am no more... only God is... We are this isness... This godliness... and we are the ones who are searching for such a sacred space to be together... This is the commune that we need... Only then and there does communion becomes possible... and only through communion can truth be lived... not through words... Truth can be conveyed only beyond words... it is a transmission of the light without scriptures...

I am still walking to be home... to find the real man in me... the new born again a new man... Yes! You are so right.. me too I met so many dirty old men... right now I am watching a couple... he is around eighty and she is a teenager... she is a slave to her mom and money and he is a victim to his penis... what can we do?

Be a watcher and be thankful...!!

The old man is really mature, which is very rarely the case, then he will be beautiful... But people only grow in age, they don't grow up... To grow old is natural... it is a natural beauty... it is the touch of God on our face... on our body... but to grow up is optional... it is a choice...

261

Let us live our choice... This is a great grace to be aware and live our awareness... Grow up, become more mature, become more alert and aware... This is our pilgrimage... our being to become a sage beyond any age and any cage and any stage...

Old age is the last opportunity given to us... before death comes, prepare... and how does one prepare for death? By becoming more meditative...

If some lurking desires are still there, and the body is getting old and the body is not capable of fulfilling those desires, don't be worried... Meditate over those desires, watch, be aware... And just by being aware and watchful and alert, those desires and the energy contained in them can be transmuted... But before death comes, be free of all desires...

And when we say be free of all desires.. it simply means be free of all objects of desires... This is what Christ is saying... Then there is a pure longing... that pure longing is divine, that pure longing is Allah... is God... is Nirvana... is any nothingness... Then there is pure creativity with no object.. with no address... with no direction... no destination... just pure energy... a pool of godliness... a light and love and laughter... This is what peacehood is... what existence is... what oneness is...

Yes! We are the new man... who is allowed to bloom in his totality... only a whole man can celebrate his holyness... Celebration is the fragrance of being whole.

Only a tree that has lived wholly will flower... man has not flowered yet... We have come to a point where the old has to be dropped

262

and the new has to be born... the new man will be earthy and divine, worldly and otherwordly... The new man will accept his totality and he will not live it without any inner division, he will not be split... His God will not be opposed to the devil, his morality will not be opposed to immorality.. he will know no opposition...

He will transcend duality, he will not be schizophrenic... with the new man there will come a new world, he will live a totally different life... he will see in a different way... he will be a mystic, a poet, a scientist, all together... He will not choose... he will be choicelessly himself... A new born childhood... not created by society... Each child comes as a human being, but we become slaves to ignorance... no more will... no more way... he simply follows...

Now, let us destroy all kinds of bondages and come out of all prisons... no more slavery... man has to be his individuality... his uniqueness... his rebelliousness... You can be Jesus Christ... You will be here and there... science and soul... Just rejoice the now as it is... do not renounce but rejoice... let the old die and help the new to be born!! The new has to be brought in but who is going to respect him?? Truth is the only danger!! Every effort will be to destroy the new... The new cannot be respectable, but with the new is the future of the whole of humanity... Now the time is ripe to support the newman... the new can assert itself, the breakthrough has become possible...

Let us support the new man... we can help it to come sooner, if it comes, humanity can still have a future, and a great future, a future of freedom, a future of love , a future of joy...

263

Let us have a new religion... this religion will not have any adjective to it... this truth is a pure quality of being whole... of being atone-ment with the one... Now is the best time to share the truth... why? Because religion has failed, science has failed... Something of higher synthesis is needed in which East and West can have a meeting, in which religion and science can have a meeting...

Religion has failed because it was other-worldly and it neglected this world... and we cannot neglect this world; to neglect this world is to neglect your own roots.. our mother earth... Science has failed because it neglected the other world, the inner, our inner treasure...

The tree needs roots and the roots can only be in the earth... the tree needs an open sky to grow, to have thousands of flowers... Man is a tree... an olive tree said the Qoran...

Now we need a new humanity in which East and West is one... and the bridge is going to be the art... So the new man is the oil tree... that goes all over and stays in the center... a man of mystic, poet, and scientist... In this way the earth can become for the first time what it is meant to become... it can become a paradise... Now the new man came and lives in paradise and no more dreams... the projector has stopped and the screen is empty... no more illusion...

This is the time when courage is needed... I am not going to create any more lies... if it is desert, so let it be, I am ready to live with this desert... with the wisdom of the sands...

264

Once you are totally ready, you will see the desert is also disappearing and you will see the reality... the luminous existence... and then comes the oneness... one becomes one with existence... only then is the journey... the pilgrimage is complete... is over... yes... pure of all illusion... then a great light will descend... life will become glorious... very close to home... then the one becomes one with existence...

Let thy will be done...

Once you are one with the one you search for your soulmate... Yes my friends... it is hard to find a friend and almost impossible to find the soulmate... The earth is big, millions and millions of people and life is very short... How are you going to find your soulmate? Even if all the facilities are available... What to do? Start with your own centers... you have seven centers... the lowest is the sex center and the highest is the Samadhi center... When all of them are in harmony with you and with the lover... you have your soulmate... it happened with very few... Majnun and Layla... Krishna and Radha... and society does not accept such love... this is very rare unity of divinity... no meditation is needed... it is the meeting of energy of light and life... vital energy...

If you put two rocks together, they may be together but they cannot become one... But if you pour water into water, it becomes one...

Only the new man can well accept his body in its totality.. in its wholeness... he will be in love with life... and will transform these lifeenergy centers... This is a great grace for all of us... This is the real atomic power... atomic energy... human energy is the only love energy... the only power for life and peace... it works on our consciousness...

265

Let us have fun with us!

There was a man who had an extremely large penis and a very bad stutter... Every time he met a woman he stuttered so badly that he finally went to visit a physician... After an examination the doctor says, “Well, I can see what your problem is: the weight of your penis is so great that it is pulling on your vocal cords and causing you to stutter... I'm afraid I must remove ten inches to cure you.”

The poor man was so desperate that he agreed to undergo the surgery immediately... The operation was a total success and he began to meet many women, who all found him very charming... However, once in bed, they were very disappointed with his diminished apparatus...

Finally he goes back to the doctor and says... “Look Doc, you were absolutely right... you have cured my stuttering, but I need to have some of my penis back.” After a moment of silence the doctor says... “Er...er...s...s...sorry... but that is... im...im...impossible!”

A big dog was barking at a mother cat and her kittens... Suddenly, the cat started barking and growling loudly... The dog was confused and ran from the barn.. its tail tucked between its legs...

266

Turning to her kitten, she told them... “Now do you see the advantage of being bilingual?”

After ten years in the army, the men are sent for a medical check... the solders strip off their clothes and enter the doctor's office one by one... The doctor puts his stethoscope on the first man's chest and says... “Sophia Loren.” The man's heart beats quickly Boom! Boom! Boom! Raquel Welch... says the doctor... Your wife? Boom “Perfectly normal, go and stand over there.” Said the doctor... The next man is examined in the same way... The next man Sophia Loren... Boom... Boom... Brigitte Bardot Boom... Your wife... Complete silence... Strange, says the doctor... but still you are quite normal... Any way, go and stand with the other men... Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

267

The ten best years of a woman's life are between... Thirty-five and Thirty-six...

Teddy is making his first visit to Doctor Bones... “And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?” Bones enquires... “Only the druggist down at the corner.” Said Teddy... “And what sort of ridiculous advice did that fool give you?” demands Bones... “He told me.” replies teddy innocently... “To see you.”

One morning little Johnny comes down in tears... “Mommy, I got so frightened... I woke up, ran to your bed and you were not there... Then I ran to Dad's bed and he was not there... Then I ran to my bed and I was not there...”

The doctor and his wife are walking down the street when they are passed by a beautiful woman... big tits, nice body and a beautiful face... and she passes by the doctor... she smiles a familiar smile.. “Who is that lady?” Asks the wife... A little shy, the doctor answers... “A client”

268

“I know,” the wife replies “But she is your client or are you hers?”

269

FOOL... This is a beautiful 4 letters word too... Jesus was called a fool, saint Francis was called a fool... he himself used to call himself “the fool of God.”... Why have Jesus and Francis and people like them been called fools? For the simple reason that there is something which the fool can know and the knowledgable can never know... The fool is innocent... the fool is not as foolish as all the polititias... the priests... the doctors.. the power people... the so called wise people...

It was an ancient custom in almost all the countries of the world that every great king used o have a fool in his court... why? For the simple reason that sometimes the fool says things which the wise, the socalled wise, cannot say...

The fool is so innocent that he simply utters the truth... the so called wise are cunning... they will not say the truth, they will say that which appeals... It may be a lie and lies have great appeal... why? Because people live in lies... and mainly in the courts all kinds of lies... All the power people are surrounded by all kinds of cheats, all kinds of cunning people... Hence a fool was needed so that he could depend on the fool.. he will not be cunning and he will say whatsoever is the case... The fool will not be bothered about the consequences of his talk... he tells the truth...

This is strange, but something significant to be understood... the fool was a necessary part in every king's court, and the fools have saved many kings many times... They have saved their kingdoms because their advice came from a state of not knowing... utterly innocent... they have a clarity that the knowledgable person cannot afford... he is clouded with his degrees... B.S. bullshit... M.S. more shit... more labels for dead heads

270

peoples... the fool may be a great scholar... a great lover... a great treasure...

Arturo is in despair... “What a tragedy!” he cries... I come back… a last - an night and found - a my wife in - a bed - a with a Chinese.” “What... a did – a you say?” asked his friend... “What – a could – a I say?” said Arturo.. “ I don't – know – a any Chinese!”

Four women arrive in heaven... three of them are English and one is italian... St. Peter asks the first one... “Have you been an honest woman?” “Oh yes sir” So St. Peter tells the angel “Put her in the pink room.” the same thing happens to the other two women... Then St. Peter asks the Italian one... She said... “I did not harm any one... but I loved and loved... I loved more than any one else!” St. Peter says to the angel... “take this one to my room.”

A stranger walks into the local pub... bartender welcomes him and says “Well, sir a pint of beer.. or do you prefer a Whisky? You are my guest... it is on the house..”

271

“No, thank you.” replies the stranger “I don't drink alcohol. I tried it once and it makes me feel dizzy.” “Well then, I am sure you will enjoy one of my best cigars.” the cheerful bartender says, offering him the cigar... “No, thank you... I don't smoke... I tried it once and it makes me feel sick.” The bartender, still smiling, continues, “ well, come on then, let us play some poker!” “No thank you. I don't play poker... I tried it once and lost my money.” is the stranger's dry reply... At this moment a young man walks into the bar and sits next to the stranger... the stranger turns to the bartender and says, “may I introduce you to my son?” “Hello” says the bartender, “I presume you are his only child aren't you?”

Become a little more alive... in this way you will never go to heaven, you will look like a fool there... you will look so out of date... you will not fit... be the best fool here...

The pope dies and goes to paradise... At the gates St. peter asks him “Who are you?”... “I am the Pope...” “Never heard of you” replies St. Peter and locks the gates...

272

“But I am the Pope... don't you know me? Ask God and you will see... He knows me well.” Saint Peter goes and tells God: “God, there is a guy here who wants to come in; he says he is the Pope.” “He Pope? The Pope? Ah, yes... now I remember... Call my son Jesus..” Saint Peter calls Jesus and when he arrives God tells him, “Hey Jesus, do you remember that club we created in Rome? Yes, that club we thought about in Jerusalem... Well, do you know? It still exists! Its president is outside the gates.”

All the religions just are unjust institutions, and if you fit in these religions then something is wrong in you, with you... No alive person can fit with a dead rituals... It is really strange: the same people who crucified Christ are Christians now, and the same people who tortured Mohammad all his life are Mohammadans now... What is wrong with humanity? Yes! I can change only myself... I can lit only my lamp...

Forgive me my beloved reader... I can't hide it... I have to share it with you... your love will heal my pain...

In Dostoyevsk's Brother Karmazav the story happens... Jesus was very much interested... naturally... that half of humanity has become Christians... He started to think that, “I reached the earth a little earlier... Now is the time!! If I had gone a little later, just eighteen hundred years later, I would not have been crucified... people would have worshipped me... they are worshipping the cross... they are worshipping my statues, they are worshipping the churches and the money and the wars... So it is

273

time for me to go to earth and share my worship too with all the priests, the nuns, the monks... the people... Now is the right time for me...”

So he came back... He was utterly disillusioned... He appeared one Sunday morning... of course he has chosen Sunday because on the other days people are engaged in other things... at least for one hour everybody pretends to be Christian...

He appeared before the church in Bethlehem... People were coming out of the church and he thought... “This is the right moment... they will immediately recognize me!”...

And yes, they crowded him, and they started laughing, and they said... “You did well... you managed well..” He asked, “What do you mean?”... They said, “You seem to be a perfect actor... you have done so perfectly your makeup that you look just like Jesus...” Jesus said, “You fools! I am Jesus, I am not acting.” They said, “Don't try to befool us... And if you listen to us, escape before the archbishop comes out, otherwise you will be in trouble... Escape as fast as you can...”

Jesus could not believe that these are the people who were kneeling down and praying to him and calling him Lord, and now he is standing before them and they cannot even recognize him... And they are thinking that he is an actor or trying to befool them... He said, “Maybe these are uneducated people, but my archbishop... he is a great theologian, he MUST recognize me!!”

And then the archbishop came, and everybody fell on his knees in respect for the archbishop... Jesus was puzzled... Nobody was fallen on his knees to honor him... and his servant is being worshiped like a god...

274

And they said... “Look at this man... This is very wrong on his part to pretend to be Jesus Christ.... this is irreligious... He should be punished.”

Archbishop looked at him with very stern eyes, and he said, “Young man, come down and follow me... You come inside the church... come... come in...”

Jesus could not believe his eyes... He went in, the doors were closed and he was locked into a small room... the whole day he was there, and he was wondering, “What is going to happen now? Am I going to be crucified again? That time I thought it was because they were not yet Christians... They were Jews... but now these are Christians behaving in the same way...”

In the middle of the night with a candle in his hand, the archbishop came, opened the door, fell on his knees before Jesus and said, “Lord, I recognized you immediately. But I cannot recognize you before others.... You are an old disturber, you will create chaos again... Somehow we have managed everything perfectly well... You are no more needed... We are doing everything as you wanted it to be done... You remain in heaven, we represent you here as we want... not as you want... So you are not needed... This is not your work now anymore... We have taken over the work... and if you insist, then I am sorry, we will have to crucify you again... So better you escape... because in the morning there will be trouble... I have just came to inform you... I recognize you, and I don't want to crucify you again... but I cannot recognize you before the crowd... You leave right now and never come back again... even though you have promised to come back again... don't come...”

275

This is just a story, it has great truth in it... Yes, the same will happen to Hallaj... to Mohammad, to Krishna... to everybody who has the truth...

That is the true story... but when the enlightened being goes, then we do a business out of the skeletons... right now you can be transformed... Just listen to your heart... take a jump and go in... don't be part of any stupid institutions... Truth is in us... it is our birthright... you need no one to help you... The book is the best companion... just read in between the words... in the silence of your stillness... and don't wait for tomorrow... it is always... now or never... Now-here or Nowhere else

First year students at Vet school were attending their first anatomy class with real died cow... the professor said... “In vet medicine nothing is disgusted... for an example, I put my finger in the butt of the cow and then in my mouth... go ahead and do the same thing” he told his students... The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the cow and sucking on it...

When everyone finished, the prof looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation... I stuck in

276

my middle finger and sucked on my index finger... Now learn to pay attention... Life is tough but it's even tougher if you are stupid...”

The Best Gift Ever

Name is my name... any noun... any verb... it is the only contribution to the world... to us... what is it? Yes! Meditation...

This grace came from the East... the best to humanity... The West has made many contributions, thousands of scientific inventions, immense progress in many fields... in medicine... in all the high fly technology... In all the scientific secrets and the mystery of the atoms... unbelievable discoveries in all dimensions in life... But still, a single gift from the East is far more valuable than all the contributions of the West...

The West is rich... the East is poor... why not be in the middle and use the science and the soul to wake up our spirit?? This is the mystery of the cross... use your mind... your brain and your heart and do what you can and with love and be connected with your roots... no roots, no fruits... be aware of who you are and why you are here!! Our richness is in our own inner being... This richness cannot be seen... but it is the highest peak of bliss... the greatest depth in silence and in science and in superconsciousness... it has known the eternity of our divinity...

277

It has known the most beautiful flowering of love, compassion, joy... its whole genius has been devoted to a single search... you can call it ECSTASY...

Meditation is only a cup... a technique to reach to the ecstatic state, to the state of divine intoxication... It is a simple technique, but the mind makes it very complex and difficult, because both cannot exist together...

Meditation is the death of the mind... Let us be aware of the mind.. of this ego... or evil or any name... and this is the challenge... What is your choice? What is your change? Let us charge our life with the energy we love...

The power of love... or The love of power

I need you because I love you or I love you because I need you? Let us live our choice and let us be grateful to every grace... Take a deep breath... This is our path to our last food... Let us listen to our power and to our hunger...

278

HUNGER Let us share our feelings... when you feel hungry, what do you say? You say “I am hungry.” You are not... the body is hungry... the organism is hungry... You are just a watcher, you are just seeing that the body is hungry... then you eat and you feel satisfied, and you say... “Now I am satisfied, fully satisfied.”

You are not satisfied, because you were not hungry, in the first place! First you had seen hunger in the body, now you feel satisfied in the body... but you are not your body... you are just a witness...The body is your home... your car..

First your mirror was reflecting the hungry man standing in front of you, and now your mirror reflects the satisfied man standing before you... but the mirror was never hungry and the mirror is not satisfied either... One day you are healthy, another day you are ill... The mirror reflects!! One day you are young, another day you are old... One day you are loved, another day you are hated... One day appreciated, another day condemned... The mirror goes on reflecting... The function of the mirror is just to reflect whatsoever is the case... But each time you get identified...

I have no identity... and suddenly you will see you have never been ill and never been hungry and never been born, and never you are going to die... You are eternal...

Eternity is our divinity... we have no identity... just change your name... you are attuned to the eternal, you won't care much about all what you see and think and feel... Just remember “this too will pass.” Is

279

enough... and then we are settled in our eternity... in our ultimate nature...

Yes! Be as you are, as trees are, as birds are, as rocks are.. I don't belong to any category... you don't belong to any class either... The deeper you go into yourself, the more and more you will find that you simply are... neither this nor that... Just awareness... we are as divine as anybody else... The highest and the lowest, all are divine... because ONLY God exists...All that exists is Divine...

“I am what you are, but I am aware and you are not aware yet...”

The difference is not in our qualities; in our beings, but only in our consciousness... you have the same treasure as Christ have but you are not aware of it... We are lost in what we see... and still seeking... how long can we go on missing the sun? Just open the window... go out... look up... let your thirst take you to the river... Let us be who we are any now... we have all what we need... the book... the master... the high technology... what else do we desire? Just to be who am I? Why we are here? How to plant peace not war? How to change myself? All what you need is ready if you are ready...

Are we ready for a great gift to our bodymind and soul? Let us read our flow and together we grow better... Now all over the planet food is a big cult... and all is junk and so is nature... Also, many religions say that the food you eat does make a difference to one's spiritual path... So let us read what the truth is telling us...

It is the other way round: food cannot make you spiritual but if you are spiritual your food habits will change...

280

Eating anything will not make much difference... you can be a vegetarian and cruel to the extreme, and violent; you can be a nonvegetarian and kind and loving... Food will not make much difference... In India there are communities who have lived totally with vegetarian food; many brahmins have lived totally with vegetarian food... They are non-violent but they are not spiritual... And Jains are the most materialistic community in India, The most attracted by possessions, accumulation; that's why they have become the richest... But a nonvegetarian world in the West is not in any way different from these vegetarian communities in India... rather, on the contrary, a very important thing has to be remembered: if you are violent and your food is vegetarian, then your violence will have to find some other way of expression …. It is natural, because eating non-vegetarian food gives release to your violence... So if you know some hunters you may have come to realize that hunters are the most loving people... Their whole violence is released in hunting, they are most friendly, loving... But a business vegetarian man has no way for his violence to be released so his whole violence becomes a search for wealth and power; it becomes narrowed down...

But it happens the other way round... Mahavira is one of them... he came from a warrior family... violence must have been easy for him, and then a deep meditative effort... A twelve year long silence changed his inner essence... when the essence changed the expression changed... When the innermost being changed, his character changed... but that character change was not basic, it was a consequence... so I say to you... If you become more mediative you will become more and more vegetarian automatically... You need not bother about it...

281

And only if this happens, that through meditation vegetarian food comes into you not through mind manipulation, it is good... But manipulation by the mind, argument, reasoning that vegetarian food is good, that it will help you to gain spirituality is not going to help anything... Your clothes, your food, your habits of life... your style... Everything will change, but this change is not basic... the basic change is going to be in you and then everything else follows...

If you meditate long enough, deep enough, it is impossible for you to hurt anybody for food... it is impossible... it is not a question of argument, it is not a question of scriptures... it is not who says what, it is not a question of calculating that if you take vegetarian food you will become spiritual... it is automatic... it is not a question of cunningness, you simply become spiritual... the whole thing seems so absurd... Just for food, killing animals, birds, seems so absurd... it falls down...

Your clothes change automatically; by and by you like looser and looser clothes... the more relaxed you are inside... loose clothes... it comes through you... if you use tight clothes you will feel uneasy... tight clothes belongs to a tense mind, loose clothes belong to a relaxed mind... But the inner change is the main change... If we reverse the order we miss the truth and we will become a food addict... be aware!!

Some people survive only on water or on air... Their body mechanism and chemistry worked differently... it is a happening not by practise... Someday science may be able to find the basic chemical change and then everybody will be able to survive on water... Then science will change your body chemistry and you will survive just on air... It is possible but you cannot practice it... And the whole effort is

282

meaningless and the whole suffering is unnecessary, but there are mad people who try things like that... it has never happened by effort...

There was one woman in Bengal... She lived forty years without food, but it simply happened... Her husband died and she couldn't eat for a few days... Just out of misery, out of sorrow, she could not eat... But suddenly she realized that without eating she was feeling better than ever... Then she realized that in the past whenever she was eating, she was always ill, and suddenly she became healthy as she never was... then she lived for forty years without eating anything, just the air was the food... And this has happened in many cases... thousands of people now on this planet live on air... this is not a miracle but the nature of few of us... of a body change... of a body chemistry... Now you cannot eat sunrays directly because your body chemistry is not in such a state... you cannot absorb sunrays directly... The fruits absorbs the sunrays and it becomes VB in the fruits... We eat the fruit and we absorb the sunrays through the fruits not directly...

But if the fruit can absorb directly, why not you? So someday science will say it... it has to be discovered otherwise humanity is going to die because food will not be possible... and birth control is not helping, the population goes on growing... It has happened in individual cases... So why not to us?? It will happen as a scientific change...

But don't try such things, they are not spiritual... What you eat makes no difference... What You Are is totally different phenomenon... And when that changes, everything will change... but that change will not be from the mind, it will be from the innermost being.... Then things will change automatically... Sex will disappear by and by... Don't be a celibate... celebrate your life... if you force celibacy you will become

283

more sexual... more mad... more violent... change your being... but change should come from the innermost core, it should not come from the periphery... Deep down in us there is no turmoil... we are just like the sea... at the deepest part in the sea there is no turmoil, not a single wave...

Let us go deeper into our sea and we live in such calm crystallization... once you are there you have become your master... now whatsoever is unnecessary can be dropped, and can be dropped without any struggle and fight... if you stop smoking by mind fighting... you will start chewing gum or anything... so watch your mind and be your own master...

Just look at a small child... whenever he feels tense he will put his hand in his mouth, he will start chewing his own hand... he feels at ease, and fall asleep.... why? The thumb becomes a substitute for the mother's breast, and he is relaxed... it is not giving milk, it is a false thing, but still it gives the feeling...

When this child grows, he takes a cigarette... it is the thumb and more harmful than the thumb... There is a need so it has to be substituted... That's why the West smokes more than the East... Why? Because no mother is ready to give her breast to the child... She needs the shape of her breasts... even small children are smoking... even dirty old men... are into sucking and fucking...

I have heard that one mother said to her child... “I don't want neighbours to tell me that you have started smoking... Be truthful and whenever you start smoking tell me...” The child said... “Don't bother

284

Mom, I have already stopped... It is one year now, that I have stopped smoking... don't worry...”

In primitive communities, mothers will breast feed for few years and smoking will not be so necessary... That's why in such communities... no crimes... no ropes... nobody looks at the breast... but in our so called civilized world are obsessed with breasts...

This seems mad, and it is, but the basic cause is known... Let us wake up and be a real mother... a real father... a real human being... Let us face our problems... The problem that we are not facing our pain... why we are so tense? So the goal should be how to be non-tense...

Meditate... Relax your tensions without any object into the sky, allow your discharge... get rid of your waste... vomit your violence... when you are non-tense all the madness will drop... Food will change... your styles of living will change...

Yes my soul friends... character is necessary but it is secondary, so is our behaviour... you are the essential...

Don't do good... Be good...

|Pay attention to what you are... being should become the focus, and doing should be left to itself... when being changes, doing follows...

To be or not to be!!

One of the greatest problems... it will appear very paradoxical, but this is true: before you can lose you ego, you must attain it... only a ripe

285

fruit falls to the ground... Ripeness is all... An unripe ego cannot be thrown, cannot be destroyed... And if struggle with an unripe ego to destroy and dissolve it, the whole effort is going to be failure...

Rather than destroying it, you will find it more strengthened in new subtle ways... This is something basic to be understood... The ego must come to a peak, it must be strong, it must have attained an integrity... Only then can you dissolve it... A weak ego cannot be dissolved... And this become a problem... What happened to Francis when he came to the Arabs to kill the Muslims? Why he became enlightened? He became a Christconsciousness... a godliness... because he faced the top of his ego... he saw how stupid he was... he became ripe and aware not to be in the trap anymore...

No war... no peace... No pain... no gain... No darkness... no light No Judas... no Christians... No death... no birth...

Take a deep breath... and every breath is a new birth and a new death... truth is in us and is us and never born and never dies... We are crossing a bridge... from age to age... from stage to stage... This is who we are...

We are not a sinner not a saint... we are a sage.. We accept all without any expectation...

Let us sense our tense...

286

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water... Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question... 'Half empty or half full?' She fooled them all...

“How heavy is this glass of water?” She asked them with a smile...

Answers called out ranged from 802 to 2002... She replied, “the absolute weight doesn't matter...It depends on how long I hold it... If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem... If I hold it for an hour... I'll have pain in my right arm... If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance... In each case it is the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes...” She said... “And that is the way it is with stress... if we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on...”

What to do? Put the glass of water down for a while and rest before it comes back to your hand... You are holding it back... we are holding our hate, anger, fear, jealousy... worry and on and on... So, be aware of your stress... don't carry them into the night... be new now... a new man...

287

Every now has its own stress... face it.. let us learn from our new mistakes... carry your cross but follow yourself... listen to your own silence... your own stillness... live the time as it is but You exist in time, but you belong to Eternity... You are a penetration of eternity into the world of time... You are deathless, living in a body of death... no birth... It is only your body that is born and dies... But you are not aware of your consciousness... You are not conscious of your consciousness... And that is the whole art of meditation: Becoming conscious of consciousness itself...

This is who you are... and it is very easy to be our real being... why not face your original face? Accept the fact that some days you are the pigeon, and some day you are the statue! Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them... If you can't be kind at least have the decency to be vague... Never buy a car you can't push...

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong way... Birthdays are good for you... the more you have, the longer you live...

Save the earth... It's the only planet with chocolate!

288

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!!

Dear wife... I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you forever... I've been a good man to you... For 7 years and I have nothing to show for it... These last 2 weeks have been hell.. Your boss called me to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw...

Last week, you came home and did not even notice I had a new hair cut, had cooked your favourite meal and even worse a brand new pair of silk boxers... You are in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep... You don't tell me you love me any more, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife... Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore... Whatever the case, I am gone..

Your ex-husband... P.S. Don't worry to try to find me... Your sister and I are moving to New York together... Have a great life...

Let us read what was the feeling of the wife... Let us guess!! No matter what we feel or think or say... it is not going to be her answer... but what is my feeling if my husband left me... or my wife left me... or my friend... my boss? My lover??

289

Dear Husband... Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter... It is true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man does not see and say what you are saying because I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to my mind was, 'you look like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I did not comment... And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago... About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning... After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Hawaii... but when I got home you were gone...

No accident by accident... Everything happens for a reason, I guess... I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted... My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensure you won't get a dime from me... So take care... your ex-wife is rich as hell and free...

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, my sister Carla was born Carl... I hope that's not a problem...

290

Sharing...

Yes! Let us share our feelings... share without being miserable, without being miserly, and share with authority... You have nothing to lose...

It is tremendous challenge to change this whole earth into a paradise, but you will not be able to do that if you are cowardly or miserly... There are many Sannyasins, free beings, who remain silent and don't share just out of fear that they may be condemned... or judged by others... So they remain silent...

That is not right; that is not compassionate... that is cruel... if you know something, share it for two reasons: because the humanity needs it, and the second reason is that the more you share, the more you will have of it...

Share with your full heart, because it is not only for the benefit of the other, it is also for the benefit of your own being... the more you share, the more open you will become... giving is receiving... so let us care to share... You have too much, and don't be aware with whom you are sharing... just feel your senses... feel graceful to him or her or it... because we are like a cloud, too full of rainwater... and somebody helped you to unburden... or you are like a flower, full of fragrance, and the wind came and unloaded you... Or like a bird... you had a song to sing, and somebody listened attentively... so attentively that he shared with you a great space to sing it... So feel grateful to existence... to this amness...

291

Me too... what am I doing here? I am simply sharing my stupidity or joy... or any label... you take it or not, that is irrelevant to me... even if I am alone, still I share my toy with my joy... I am the first who writes what I am feeling... and the first reader too... I share it with nature... forgive me... existence is sharing it through mewe...

The flower cannot but share... we too.. the flower is happy that it has bloomed... what else can the light do? It has to be so... What else can I do or be? This is why we are here... Ordinarily we think we are breathing... when you become awake someday, you will see: you are breathed, you are not breathing... when you become aware, you will say “God is”...This isness is the mystery of existence... now playing words through memwe... it is not work... at the most you can call it play... “We are here to play...” a great seed that we need... to play prayfully... to be a war or peace?

When the power of love overcomes the love of power... the world will know peace.... Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me... the peace that was meant to be...

292

PEACE

Peace is the door to the inner kingdom of God... Silence helps us to know peace and peace leads us into God...

Whenever you remember, just be deeply relaxed and feel peaceful as many times in the day as possible... The more you do, the better... After few days you will feel without any doing on your part, that peace has been established... It follows you like a shadow...

There are many levels of peace... There is one that we can produce just by feeling it, just by giving yourself a deep suggestion that you are peaceful... That is the first layer...

The second layer is that of which you suddenly become aware... you don't create it... But the second only if the first is there; otherwise it never happens... The second is the real thing but the first helps to create the way for it to come... Peace comes but before it comes, as a prerequisite you have to create a mental peace around you...

The first peace will just be mental... It will be more like an autohypnosis: it is created by you... then one day suddenly you will see that the second peace has surfaced... It has nothing to do with your doing or with you... In fact it is deeper than you... It comes from the very source of your being, the unidentified being, the undemarcated being, the unknown being...

We know ourselves only on the surface.. a small place is identified as you... a small wave is named, labeled as you... Just within that wave, deep down, is the great ocean...

293

I am not my body... I am not my mind... I am not work nor my titles... All what it dies is not us... So be aware of your now... you can be in peace or in tense... So whatever you are doing, always remember to create peace whatsoever you are doing, always remember to create peace around you... This is only the means not the goal...

Once we have created peace, something of the beyond will fill it... It will be nothing out of your effort.. once that comes you can drop the autohypnotic method... There is no need for it... So be aware of yourself not of your mind... go beyond the mind... through the mind there is no possibility of peace... You have to transcend mind... You have to be in your being... in your silence... not in your noise... not in your thoughts... mind cannot have peace...

Peace is divine, it is not human... Peace means absence of all mental processes: no thought, no desire, no imagination, no memory... and then suddenly you know who you are and you know what this existence is all about...

It is not that the mind is not useful, it can be used, but it can be used only by a master... and the master is the one who knows how to transcend it... Peace has to be positive, not an absence but a presence... It is ecstatic divine life... peace has to be in the world... earthly, sensuous... full of love, full of joy... full of compassion and full of laughter...

I have heard: Two men were imprisoned... It was full-moon night; both were standing near the window of their dark cell... the full moon was there... One was looking at the moon, and it was the rainy season

294

and there was much water and mud just in front of the window... dirty.. and it was smelling and stinking...

One man continued to look at the moon, the other continued to look at the mud... The man who was looking at the mud, of course, was feeling very miserable... And the man who was longing and looking at the moon was aflame, aglow; his face was reflecting the moon; his eyes were full of beauty... He had completely forgotten that he was imprisoned...

Both are standing at the same window, but they are choosing different things... there are people if you take them to a rosebush they will count the thorns... they are great calculators, their mathematics is always right... and when they have counted thousands of thorns, it is simply logical that they will not be able to see the one rose flower...

In fact, their inner world will say, “How is it possible? Amidst so many thorns, how is a rose flower possible? It must be a deception, it must be illusory... or even if it is possible, it is worthless...” What is our choice to see? What can I see? What do I love to see in me, in you, in nature?

Yes! There are people who have never known the thorns of a rosebush... they look at the rose... and looking at the rose, feeling the rose, the beauty of it, celebrating the moment, they come to feel that even thorns are not so thorn like... “How can they be, when they are growing on the same rosebush as the rose flower?” When their mind is focused n the rose flower, they start looking at thorns also in different way... They start looking at thorns also in a different way; they start thinking that thorns are there to protect the rose flower... They are no

295

longer ugly, they are no longer irrelevant, they are no longer 'anti'... a positive attitude arises...

It is up to us to make whatsoever you want or I want or we want out of our life... An enlightened consciousness makes even death beautiful.. An unenlightened consciousness makes even life ugly... For an enlightened being, only beauty exists... only bliss...

So the question is not how to change ugliness into beauty, how to change pain into pleasure, how to change misery into happiness, no... The question is how to change the unconscious into conscious, the unenlightened attitude into the enlightened attitude... how to change my inner world of being... I am responsible for my bodymind and myself and my life... We can attain to life-affirmative values and drop lifenegative values...

296

DECISION

When you are taking a vital decision to change something, great anxiety precedes it... That is very natural... The anxiety simply says that the old is familiar and the new is unfamiliar... What are you going to do? The mind says “Cling to the old” and the being says... “Go to the new... go and explore the now... the wow...” That is the anxiety... It always precedes any great decision... But there is no need to take much note of it... It will disappear the moment you have taken the decision … It will remain there if you don't take the decision, it will persist... It will become a torture, it will be an agony, a nightmare... It can be relieved immediately; if you take the decision it is relieved... Then the mind relaxes... It knows... “Now you have taken the jump there is no point in persisting.” But you can wait a few days more...

My feeling is our feeling... Just take the jump and let the mind step... jump and then think... and the anxiety disappears... Why waste energy in anxiety? The same energy can be used for the adventure... And always remember one thing: whenever it is a question of choosing between the old and the new... choose the new... Why? Because the new something is possible... with the old you have lived and nothing has happened, so what is the point in going on repeating it?

Oh?! A new addition

A little boy was doing his maths homework... He said to himself, “Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven...Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine...” His mother heard what he was saying and she asked,

297

“What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I'm doing my maths homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” The mother asked... “Yes,” he answered... With great anger, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in maths?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition...” The mother replied, “Right now he is writing two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, he answered...

“What I taught them was.. two plus two, the sum of which, is four...”

298

How are we counting? Or adding? Or deciding? Yes! decisiveness is a very essential quality… there are many people who are incapable of deciding, who go on thinking… they waste their whole life in thinking whether to do this or not to do, to be or not to be… And they are always hesitating, they can't act… And without action life is futile… is dead… they can't decide, and without decision there is no possibility of our growth… yes, one should look at all the possible alternatives… all other doors… but not for too long… It should not become a habit… one should look at all the alternatives and then one should be able to decide… One should not wait for a perfect decision, remember, because in life there can never be any perfect decision…

I have heard about a man who was searching for a perfect wife… He died unmarried, obviously… when he was dying somebody asked, "You have traveled all over the world… you searched for a perfect wife… couldn't you find a single woman who was perfect?" He said, "yes, I came across a few but they were searching for perfect husbands!"

If one is a perfectionist one is doomed to fail… Perfectionists are indecisive people… nothing satisfies them, everything falls short… their ideal is too high… everything seems to be unsatisfactory…

Decisiveness means knowing that life is less and less and imperfect and short… knowing that we have limitations, yet we have to decide… Alternatives are limited, we cannot wait forever, once you decide… then you go wholeheartedly into it; you risk all… one has to be a gambler, then only something is possible; growth is possible, a new birth is possible… otherwise nothing is possible… jump in the ocean and then

299

think… if you think you don't jump… go for it and no perfection but less and less… this is the lesson… welcome to the 21st century… Communication …… wireless Phones …… cordless Education …… worthless Mistakes …… Countless Food ……. Fatless Sweets …… Sugarless Labor …… Effortless Relations …… Fruitless Attitude …… Coreless Feelings …… Heartless Politics …… Shameless Arguments …… Baseless Youth …… Jobless Ladies …… Topless Boss …… Brainless Jobs …… Thankless Needs ….. Endless …. Situation …… Hopeless … Salaries …… Less and less

300

More – less Or Less – more?

More… we say: my life seems so meaningless and empty. It seems so meaningless and empty because you are constantly hankering for more… Drop that hankering, and then you will go through a radical transformation. the emptiness disappears immediately when you stop asking for more… the emptiness is a byproduct of asking for more… it is a shadow that follows the desire for more… let the desire go… disappear and look back: there is no shadow any more …

Asking for more is what your mind is… constantly asking for more… it makes no difference how much you have, it will go on asking for more. And because it goes on asking for more you go on feeling you are empty, you are missing so much …

See the point: the emptiness is created by asking for more… the emptiness is not there, it is a fallacy, but it will look very real when you are caught in the net of desiring ….

See that desire is the cause of our emptiness let us watch our desiring… by watching it will disappear and with it disappears the emptiness, and there comes a deep, deep, fulfillment. You feel so full, so overfull that you start overflowing… you start sharing and giving …. You give for the sheer joy of giving, for no other reason. You become like a cloud full of rainwater… it has to shower somewhere… it will shower even on the rock where nothing is going to grow; it will shower unconditionally. It will not ask whether this is the right place to shower

301

or not… it will be so burdened with rainwater that it will have to shower to unburden itself…

When desiring disappears you are so full of bliss, so full of contentment, so full of fullness, that you start sharing. It happens of its own accord… and then there is meaning in life, then there is significance in life… then there is poetry, beauty grace. Then there is music, harmony… your life becomes a dance …

This emptiness and meaninglessness is your doing, so you can undo it … You say: I keep thinking there must be something more… that's the cause of trouble… and I am not saying there is not something more… there is!!

Much more than you can ever imagine… I have seen it! I have heard it!! I have experienced it!! There is infinitely much more!! But you will never come into contact with it if desiring continues… Desiring is a wall… no desiring is a bridge… this is the basic message to the world … Bliss is a state of no – desire, misery is a state of desire…

the more you want, the more you will miss… you can choose. If you want to remain miserable, want more, more and more and you will be missing more and more… this is your choice, remember, this is your responsibility… nobody is forcing you… if you really want to see that which is, don't hanker for the future, for more… just see that which is… now – here or nowhere… do it now… don't jump from this to that… you will fall in the well …

302

Let us listen to this disorder … A . A . A . D . D . Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder… recently, I was diagnosed with this … Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests itself: As I turned on the horse in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing… As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier… I decided to go through it before I wash the car … I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, And notice that the recycling box is full… So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first …

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first, I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left … My extra cheques are in the desk in my study… So I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking… I am going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over …

The coffee is getting cold, and I decided to make another cup… as I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye… the flowers need water… I put the coffee on the table and saw my reading glasses that I have been searching for all morning… I decided to put them back on my desk, but first I am going to water the flowers… I left the glasses down on the table, fill the

303

container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control… someone left it on the kitchen table… I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen tables…

So I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers… I pour some water in the flowers, but quiet a bit of it spills on the floor… so, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill… then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do… At the end of the day: The car isn't washed …. The bills are not paid … There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work surface… the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque books, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys… then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I 'm really tired… I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll cheque… oh sorry… check my e- mail… and my bank account too… all this chaos is in my brain… Please… do me a favor… tell everyone a bout this day… if this is not for you, your day is coming!!

304

Me too I want to remember about chaos… let us read what we need… chaos is not there outside… the outside is a great cosmos but inside us there is chaos… and it is because of the chaos inside that people don't look inwards… they are afraid to look, very frightened of looking in… they keep themselves occupied in every possible way so that there is no time left, no space left to look in… they go on listening to the masters who say "know thyself"… But who listens? Do I listen to myself? Do I make any effort to know what Christ is telling me? So we are afraid of the chaos!!

Inside us there is chaos. Outside there is mother nature… the stars are moving in a rhythm, the whole existence is rhythmic, it is in absolute unity… absolute accord… it is just man's mind which is in a chaos… And if you see any chaos outside, that is man – made, man – created … Man remains a chaos unless he or we becomes a no – mind… Mind is the ego and we have become future… the present is not part of the mind at all, the present belongs to existence… and the present is in absolute harmony… the past is no more and the future is not yet, and your mind consists of these two non – existential things… memories and imaginations, memories and desires, memories and hopes… this is why we are living in a mad state…

305

What to do to heal our chaos? It is only in the presence of a master, of a Christ, of a prophet, that people gather courage to face themselves… And in the beginning it is a breakdown, but if you are moving into it consciously, soon the breakdown becomes a breakthrough …

To transform breakdowns into breakthroughs is the whole functions of a master… the psychotherapist simply patches you up… He puts a few bondages on you, a little ointment here and a little ointment there… He helps you to stand on your own two feet again, back in the old ways… He makes you your old self again… you start functioning, you start doing the old things that you have always been doing… that is his function… He is not there to transform you but to use you …

Who can change me? Only my thirst will take me to the river… only my hunger will take me to my soul food… to a Christ… to a Buddha, to a real master … This is really the function of religious communes, because alone you may not be able to do it, but in a commune where many people are a head of us, many people are behind us, with a master who has attained to the dawn, who goes on calling you forth, who goes on saying to you… "Don't be worried, the goal is not far away …"

And there are people a head of us who say, "Don't be worried. We have passed through Such a state and you will also pass through it…

Just a little more perseverance, a little more awaiting, a little more patience!"

306

And there is the master like a shining star… and this is the miracle: when you are perfectly awake your very chaos becomes a cosmos, because it starts settling into an orchestra; the noise becomes music… Suddenly, all that was insanity, madness, is transformed into Buddha hood, into enlightenment… the same energy… chaos means energy… energy of which you are unconscious… if you become conscious, the very phenomenon of consciousness is a transforming phenomenon… You need not do anything else; just being conscious is enough…

The spring has come… Suddenly, buds start opening, flowers bloom… thousands of flowers; the inner world becomes full of fragrance… let this fragrance be our choice… out grace… this is the bliss of gravity… the only light there is… why fight when we have the light of love and life and laughter?? Let us live our inner treasure ….

Yes! Laughter is our inner outer treasure… from chaos to cosmos… Let us be quick as children… Teacher : Maria, go to the map and find north America… Maria: Here it is … Teacher: correct . Now class, who discovered America? Class: Maria

Teacher: John, why are doing your math multiplication on the floor? John : you told me to do it without using tables …

307

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell… crocodile? Glenn : K – R – O – Ko – Di – A –L Teacher : No, that's wrong … Glenn: May be it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it …

Teacher : David, what is the chemical formula for water … David : H I J K L M N O Teacher : what are you talking about? David : yesterday you said it… you said water is H to O ….

Teacher: Omar, name one important thing we have today that we did not have ten years ago … Omar: me!!

Teacher: Lilly, why do you always get so dirty? Lilly… well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are .

308

Teacher: Suzy, give me a sentence starting with "I" Suzy: I is …. Teacher: No, Suzy… always say "I am." Suzy: all right… "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it… Now, Peter, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Peter: Because George still had the axe in his hand …

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayer before eating? Simon: No Sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook …

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Harold: A teacher…

309

Teacher Who are you? A teacher? A student? A master? A Sacred power? A living treasure? Who are we? What is a teacher? The teacher is one who teaches borrowed knowledge… He knows nothing, he has not experienced anything… it has not happened to him… but he has heard it, read it… He is skillful in transmitting it verbally, intellectually, he is capable of communication … The perfect teacher is one who knows this: That he does not know… But our so called teachers not only deceiver, he is also a victim of victims… he is also deceived… He starts living in a deep auto – hypnotic sleep…

First he convinces others, and when others are convinced, seeing their conviction he becomes convinced himself…

The teacher becomes auto – hypnotized… he knows that he is a parrot… he has no experience… just be yourself… trust no one only your own experience… just be herenow and just look into your own problems, into your expectations, into your ego trips, into your obsessions and into the ideas that have been put into your mind, for which you have been conditioned… just clean your mind and be who you are …

Once you see that the children are victims of the society, the family, the teachers, you will love them… you will feel much compassion for them… you will be for them and with them!! you will become part of them, and once you are part of them you will see how much they can love you… Now no more love in us… no more a childhood in us… where is our inner child? Jesus did not learn in any collage… it is fortunate that such collages or schools did not exist in

310

those days, otherwise they may have destroyed Jesus… Buddha and Mohammad never went to any religious institution to learn… Religion has to be lived, because that is the only way to learn it… let us live our love… our birthright… our peace… why hate? Why anger? Why war? Why not be

who we are? Yes! Take a deep breath and this is the key to our path… to our meditative life… just be a watcher… be a witness and dance your grace… your joy… why win the world and you don't know yourself ? Let us win our first step on our trip… life is only a joke… a joy… a laughter… a let go and let God … Let us listen to this English professor… He wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" On the chalk board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly… All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." All the females in the class wrote; "A woman: without her , man is nothing."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says, "I wanna open a fucking saving account." The astonished woman replied, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here." She goes to the bank manager to complain…

311

Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted… they both return to the window and ask the old man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" Old man: "there is no fucking problem, I just won want to put my fucking money in this fucking bank." Manager: "I see, and is this bitch giving you a fucking hard time Sir?" Moral of the story: when money talks, nobody checks the grammar… money does not need a teacher… the teacher needs its power …

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10 are excessively mischievous … They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved … The boy's mother heard that a preacher who is a good teacher too in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys… the preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually …

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon… the preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly. "Do you know where God is, Son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no action, no response, sitting there wide – eyed with his mouth hanging open… So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer… the preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and asked, "where is God?!" …

312

The boy screamed and left the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him in the closet… WOW!!! When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" the younger brother, gasping for breath, said "We are in big trouble this time!! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Let us be aware of our inner and outer child… Everyone of us is a child… A child is born to you, but he does not belong to you… he has chosen you as a passage, but he has his own destiny… let us be more aware and awake… we are not here to teach them religion and morality… we are here to hear them… to learn from them… why?

Because they are closer to God than us… they have come just now from God's home… they are still carrying the fragrance… we have forgotten it completely but they are living it… it will take them more time to be conditioned by our ignorance. Children are new Bibles of consciousness… children are fresh doors of divinity into life… let us be respectful… let us understand what they need… we are here to help them to be what they want to be… don't make him a Christian or a

Muslim… he is a living light of love and laughter …

Let us be aware of this truth about our children… if the children are living only with you, then certainly they have only one type of life to understand… they will become addicted to you, and that will be their problem for the whole of their life… they will know only one kind of woman… Now, the problems will arise, they will never find a wife like

313

you because there is nobody else like you… So your Son will suffer because he will hanker for a wife who is like his mother, because he knows only one kind of woman… He cannot find one like his mom… that is not possible… because no two individuals are the same… you are only one, so now you have created trouble for him …

The wife also wants the husband to be like her father… so what to do? More anger and more hate and more divorce …

In a commune, your child will become acquainted with so many people; he will not be addicted to you… He will be nourished by all these people… you will not be his only mother; all the many woman in the commune will give something to him… He will become friendly with women and with men… So many uncles and so many aunts… His concept of woman will be richer… he is not narrow, he is not addicted to one person… this is the grace of choice… a wife or a husband… so the bigger the commune, the better for all of us …

314

Marriage Ah! So much fun in this cage… Son: please tell me Dad… what is the difference between Mom and wife? Dad : it is so funny, one who brings you into this great world crying and the another ensures you continue crying …

During a divorce proceeding …. Judge: Mr. David, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and, I've decided to give your wife, $ 850 a week … Mr. David: that's very fair, your honor! And every now and then… I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself …

A husband and his greedy annoying wife went to a wishing well… the man dropped a penny and made a wish… His wife also wanted to make a wish!! So, she bent over the dropping well to share her penny… But she leaned too much, lost her balance, fell down into the well and got drowned … The husband : WOW, it really does work!!!

How to keep your wife happy? Let her think she is having her own way … And let her have it …

315

Are you bored with your husband? Try this … Write a letter to five of your friends like this … Hello there!! This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in hopes of bringing relief to a tired and unhappy wife … Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything, just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired… then bundle up your husband and send him to the woman at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list … When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16.478 men and some of them are bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have … Do not break the chain… have faith … One woman broke the chain and got her own Son – of – bitch back … At the date of writing this letter, another friend of mine received 183 men… they buried her yesterday… but it took three undertakers thirty – six – hours to get the smile off her face …

Am I the first man in your life? I don't remember faces!!

Do you see your face? Do I know my face? Let us watch our original face… the face of faith not of the mirror… but of our real treasure… what is the original face? The face

316

that you have before you were born and the face that you will have again when you are dead… find out that original face… it is not a face at all…

Have you ever thought about it? The shape of your face is given by the body… it can be changed by plastic Surgery… And you will not be changed by the change of the face : your nose can be longer, shorter, your eyes can be different, eyebrows can be different… much can be done now… And you will remain the same if not worse … So the face is not your being… it is just the shape of your body… it is not your face… have you got any face? Sometimes with closed eyes go deep into it… and you will be surprised to see you don't have any face…

God has no face at all… and we are gods and goddesses… or the shadow of the only God there is… that's why one can never be contented with this face, howsoever is beautiful… why? Where to look? Where is my original face? Yes! This face is not going to Satisfy you unless you come to the original face, the facelessness of your being… the purity with no shape, the formless, the attribute less…

The form is of matter… the form is not of consciousness; consciousness is formless… your body, is a meeting – place of the form and the formless, of matter and consciousness… your body is container… the contained is you… and that contained has no face… face as such is false…

The body is the cup… the best cup… you are the water… the wine of God… the wake up… the whole and the holy life which is eternal… it is beyond words… we are never born and we will never die… but be aware of who we are… who am I ?

317

Why I am here? Why war? Why not peace? What is my choice? Let us live our choice! Let us be our bliss and share our grace… our original face… our face look… let us look at each others as mirrors to our inner treasures… we are here to plant peace… this is our face… this is our choice… let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me… mewe …

Let us have fun with nuns and nones … In a church the priest declare that after the services there would be a meeting of new face in the Board … Everybody left... Only the Board members were there… But a strange man and a woman were sitting there just in the front row… The priest was a little puzzled… He said… please, have you not understood? I said there would be a meeting of light and loving faces of the Board… and both of them said … "Yes, And who is more bored than us? Look at our faces! We are newly married and bored…"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement… He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of six" in spite of her objections… One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well… He shouts at the top of his voice, "shall we go home 'Mother of Six'?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you are ready, Father of Four."

318

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party… so he ordered a great birthday cake… The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake… He thought for a moment and said… put "You are getting older but you are getting better." The salesman asked: "How do you want to put it?" The man said: "Well… put 'you are getting older' at the top and' but you are getting better' at the bottom." When the cake came to the party all the guest were afraid at the message on the cake… it read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom" Don't order cakes by telephone

There was this man who spent all his weekends, fishing. One Sunday morning, he went to fish but it was cold and raining, he decided to return… He came back, went to his bedroom, undressed and lead down beside his sleeping wife… "What a terrible weather today honey." He said to her… "Yes, And my idiot husband went fishing" she replied…

When a man steals your wife,

319

there is no better revenge than to let him keep her …

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together …

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher …

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them…

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, "what does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me…

320

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage… we take time to go to a restaurant two times a weak… a little candle light, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

There is a way of transforming funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage… Merry in a cage …

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"I have had bad luck with all my wives… the first one left me and the second one did not… the third gave me more children…

Two secrets to keep your marriage at the edge… 1 – Whenever you're wrong, admit it… 2 – whenever you're right, shut up…

321

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once…

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to…

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… Then We met…

A good wife always forgives her husband… When she is wrong…

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy…

"My wife is an angel!" "You are lucky… mine is still alive"

322

Yes! Let us have few more of such seeds… beware… Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends… you order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that

Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married Man: will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: let us stand in silence for 2 minutes…

It's funny when people discuss love marriage … It's like asking someone if suicide is better or being murdered…

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say… After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish…

323

Do you have a book called "man, the master of women?" Salesgirl: the fiction department is on the other side, sir…

So be aware when you look at the ring! First there is the promise ring… Then the engagement ring… Then the wedding ring… Soooon after… Comes The suffer… ing… Watch out the last ring… the bell is ringing? Listen when the bell rings… this is a great secret… listen to your belly… here is the roots of your bible… the sacred sound… the inner vision… the inner voice of our vow…

let us be here and hear… let us hear our inner bell… inner voice… what is this sign… let us see it and hear it and live it and then share it… go into yourself, and if you can see, if you can feel, only then believe… only then be and live your experience… then it is trust not belief – it is faith no fake… faith comes out of experience; belief is just a prejudice without any experience to support it… truth has to be experienced… Mohammad had experienced that God exists and only God exists and nothing else… so why not us? Why not me? Why do I have to trust others? Why not myself?? So we don't have to believe in anything… we are born free and

324

in this freedom we live our experience… life is an experience in us not an experiment in the lab… but in our life…

325

Belly… In all old eastern countries, particularly in the far East, they have always thought that man lives in the belly… in Japan, if you ask… where do you think? They would show you their belly… we think here… the belly is our source of life… you were joined to your mother from the navel; it is from there that life started pulsating… the head is the farthest corner of your existence… the center is the navel… our existence, our being, resides in this area …

You and your brain are two things… the brain is your machinery… just like everything else is your machinery… this hand is my mechanism… I use it… my brain is my mechanism; I use it…

Where is the seat of the mind? Zen says it is in the stomach… but what we see now all over the planet… the brain is in the balls so is the mind… watch the news… But in reality it is in the stomach… it is in the belly… it is in the navel… there exactly, from where the first pulsation came… and then it spread all over… go back to it …

Intellect is very, very limited; intuition is infinite… intuition always comes from the belly… your belly will be affected immediately… when you fall in love you don't fall from the head… that's why head – people call love blind …it is, because it has nothing to do with the brain… when you fall in love, you fall in love from some other source… if you ask great scientists, great poets, great creative people, they will also say that when something new happens it never happens from the head, it never comes out of the brain… it comes from somewhere beyond…

326

But let us listen to this… why flat belly? Why big swollen chest? The idea came from the body of the lion… the lion has a very small belly because he eats only once in twenty – four hours… and he lives only on meat, so much food is not needed… A lion's intestine is very small compared to that of a man… one – fourth, and less… Man is a vegetarian, and if you eat vegetables they need to be longer in your intestines; only then they can be absorbed because they have much roughage …

If you eat meat it has no roughage; it is already digested food… the animal has already done the work for you. You are a sucker. You simply eat it and it is already eaten food… digested, completely dead food… so a very small intestine is needed… But the foolishness of manic that he tries to have a small belly like a lion…

Everybody has been taught to pull the belly in and not to breath from the belly, but from the chest… so chest have become bigger and bigger just like Mister Universe Chest… then the belly is in man and flat in woman… but they are ill people, they are not natural… they are ugly… it will look ridiculous that people tried to be like animals…

So man destroyed his very system of breathing… And then women got the idea that they had to have big boobs… and a flat body – belly… that is the unnatural breathing… whenever you start breathing naturally, the belly will grow bigger but who wants the true life??

Take a deep breath and you belong to life and light and love… this beautiful existence… this existence has needed you, otherwise you would not have been here… And it needed you the way you are,

327

otherwise it would not have created you the way you are… so don't try to be somebody else… Let us remember… the greatest need in life is to be needed… the whole existence needs you… you have tremendous significance… you are here to share your love… your life and your light… you have the right to be the way you are… Be yourself … The moment one become aware of one's true center, one becomes aware of eternity, and to know eternity is to know God… Hence, the true self is the door to God … Once you accept yourself as you are, things will start changing… not improvement… but as you are here and now… circular change… be who you are as you are… a rose is a rose…

A man was noticed, drinking at a public place, by a police officer… Police officer: I would like you to accompany me, to the police station… Drunk man: why? Aren't you confident of making it to police station, on your own?…

A minister was held at gunpoint by a robber, thinking him to be just another prey… Robber: Give me your money… Minister: Do you know I'm in the government? Robber: In that case, give me my money.

328

A man who surrenders when he's wrong is honest. A man who surrenders when he's not sure, is wise … But, a man who surrenders when he is right, is a husband …! So be yourself as you are now!!!

Yes my beloved us… we are the sacred book to read… we are light from light… truth from truth… life from life… we are the family of the kingdom of God… we are Soul brothers and sisters!! Why war? Why hate? Why kill?

Let us live our choice… our grace… let us read what we can and what we love but we are beyond any book and any look … When you become more meditative, the deeper you go into meditation, the greater will be your capacity and clarity to understand the scriptures… scriptures will become witnesses to you, that you are on the right path… and when you attain to your innermost core, when you realize your being, then you will know what truth is … Right now, if we read the Bible, or the Koran, we will interpret them according to our unconscious state, our non – meditative state… you will misinterpret, you will misunderstand …

You are not yet in a right shape… you are upside – down… you are a chaos, a crowd, a confusion… you are not yet individual… you don't have a center at all… so how are you going to understand Jesus or Buddha or Mohammad?

329

Yes you can only if you have tasted something of the consciousness in you… of your inner treasure… go in… in is our only inn … All what you see and what you read is part of your truth… you are beyond any word and any dimension… just be a watcher and play your life with laughter …

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on the back side… on backwards… the little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards... The man, who was a priest, said, I am a father! The little boy replied… My Daddy does not wear his collar like that! The priest looked up from his book and said… I am the father of many…

The boy said, "My Dad had 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he does not wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said… "I am the father of hundred's"… and went back to reading his book … The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said… "May be you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar…"

Life is only a joke… and a laughter is a door to the Devine… we are here as guests crossing a bridge of life to another bridge…

330

Just one verse from any sacred book will be a witness to you if you are living its meaning… if you are smelling its fragrance… then you are not reading the Bible but you are with Christ… and he is speaking to you, face to face…

Allah is within us… in the core of our heart… let us go in and search for the truth… the face in the mirror is not your real face… the mirror is empty… so is the lake, so are all the books… all the scriptures… they are beautiful words but empty… you are the life and the truth in every verse …

Unless you find the inner scripture that is within you, you will not be able to understand the outer Bible, Korans, and Vedas… once you have found the inner then there is a possibility… then doors open up, then suddenly there is a great opening… whatever was closed and hidden becomes available, slowly the curtain is removed… you can see that which is… and once you have found it inside, you will find it in the world and in the words of any book … Whoever knows the real moon is bound to know the moon in the lake… He will understand and he may even rejoice because he is not deceived… he knows perfectly well it is a reflection but a beautiful reflection… one can enjoy the scriptures, but not before realizing the inner treasure …

5 smily rules to remember our inner treasure… money cannot buy happiness but it's more better to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle … Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name… Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again… Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them …

331

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk…

Little Albert's mother cannot bring herself to let her boy know that his dog laddy, has just been run over by a car and killed … When Albert comes home from school she talks of other things for a few minutes, but finally, she says, "Albert, listen, laddy has been run over and killed by a car …" "Oh!" says the boy, and goes out to play, whistling… At dinner… the boy asks "Hey, Mom, where is laddy?" "Darling, I told you this afternoon… laddy has been killed by a car." Suddenly, Albert bursts into fears … "But Albert… when I told you that… it did not seem to bother you." "No" sniffs Albert… it didn't… because I thought you said Daddy!"

The difference between the words Laddy and Daddy is not the letter… but the sound… the voice… the inner voice… so watch out your voice… your sound …

332

Sound The mystic have found that life, is made of sound… of subtle vibrations of sound… arid it is one of the ancient most discovered, at least ten thousand years old… that the whole of existence is the sound of God …

Modern physics discovered it too from a very different route; because of their different routes their definitions are a little bit different… But anybody who has some perception, who can think in both ways… scientifically and mystically… can see the unity, can see that they are talking about the same thing in different languages… different jargon …

Modern physics says that the world, existence, consists of electricity… the whole existence is nothing but electricity… electrical vibration…

The mystics discovered Sound first… in the great emperor Akbar's court there was a musician simply plays on his sitar, surrounded by unlit lamps and by and by start becoming suddenly aflame … It is possible because a sound can hit the air in a certain way so that it can create heat… that's a known phenomenon… sound can create heat… It can create heat it can create fire… if it can create fire it can create electricity… and vice verse is also true… the mystics and the physicists have traveled towards the same destination from different angles .

When you become absolutely silent in meditation, a subtle humming sound is heard within one's own being… it does not come from outside; it comes from one's own innermost core… like the sound aum… you go on chanting and then you stop suddenly, because the

333

temple is empty it will go on resounding… that resounding comes very close to the innermost sound…

And once this soundless sound, as it is called, this inner melody of your being is heard, bliss explodes, your whole life becomes harmonious… then suddenly everything fits… then it is no more a problem… life for the first time is not a problem, not a riddle to be solved but a mystery to be lived…

But the sound is so subtle that unless your mind is completely empty you cannot hear it… the mind makes so much noise you cannot hear the still, small voice within yourself; hence meditation is the door to reach to the inner music… And the person who hears the inner music becomes capable of hearing the celestial music of the spheres… He has learned the first lesson… now he can hear it all around… in the stars… in the trees, in the wind passing through the pine trees… in the sound of the running water…

That music has to be heard… hearing it, one's life becomes sheer beauty… bliss… benediction … And deep within there is a music which is not created by anybody… which is not create by hands, which is not produced on any instrument… there is a special name for it in few languages called Ana had… ana – ahad…

When you play on a guitar it is called ahad… it is the unity of the sound in us and existence the soundless sound… a musical silence… the still point within you where nothing ever moves… just stillness… that stillness is the grace of God… and the moment you have heard that music, a great fountain bursts forth, of joy, of bliss… you become a

334

rejoicing, you become a dance yourself… you become a song yourself… then your life is religious… not like the so – called saints, sad, serious and ugly… the really religious person is one whose inner wells have started flowing who has become a fountain of joy, of song and dance and celebration…

Such a being is not a person… not a saint… not a sinner… but a sacred treasure… a sage… who accepts every now without any judgment… This is the voice of our inner grace… just accept… let thy will be done… don't trust any fake masters, you have to learn to watch all the inner voices… only trust silence… don't trust any voice, because all voices are from the mind… and you have many minds… you are a crowd!! Be still and know your inner silence…

Find out the witness only then will you find out the inner voice… this voice will direct you… you will become religious… spontaneous… naturally good… you will not go to war, you love life which comes from your inner direction… you affirm life… you revere life… you will live in the kingdom of God first, and then everything will follow… find out the inner voice, and then everything will follow … It is not a voice but an urge… not a sound, but a silence… you feel what to do no one will say it to you… this is the inner guide… the inner emptiness… yes, emptiness has its own voice… silence has its own music… no – movement has its own dance… but you will have to reach to it.

Emptiness is yours, mind is not yours… listen to your virginity… give your being and your ears to the core of your heart and it will

335

guide… this is our benediction… let go and let God… this is the only true… truth win …

Seeing is enough, understanding is enough; no other discipline is needed… just be yourself… be aware of this bliss… act out of awareness… this is the only virtue you need… when you become alert about your own consciousness, of your own center, out of that alertness the great virtue flows… the awareness gives you responsibility, ability to respond… it does not give you fixed rules; it simply gives you eyes to see the now and to immediately act accordingly…

The smaller virtues give us fixed rules: they tell us what to do, what not to do, they tell us what is right what is wrong… the only virtue comes from our inner core… from the heart…

Be Aware And then whatsoever you do is going to be good… why? Because you are good… don't do good… Be good…

Good is a byproduct of awareness and evil is a byproduct of unawareness… let us repeat this truth more and more and plant it in your soul and you will attain to sight and you will have the vision of life … Sight has to happen inside, and the vision will be outside… yes! We are here to see… to be the insight and this is our birthright… you hear… you see… you become who you are…

Let us see that which is not what we are told… we go on seeing that which we believe… De – nude yourself utterly from all beliefs…

336

and be a child… in that innocence you have insight… this is what vision is… In a dream you are a great doer, the dream is your mind doing… in vision you are a non – doer… welcoming what is coming from God … Vision is not your dream… vision is when all dreams have disappeared then what happens is a vision… God comes through all our senses… let us learn how to clean and clear our senses… yes! Meditation is the master key to all our doors to the eternal divinity of our unity with God…

The higher your consciousness, the greater your vision… the lower your consciousness, the smaller your vision… Be more sensitive… less of belief… less of head and more of heart… and one day you will see the truth…

If you are at the peak of your consciousness, look from there: eternity is revealed… it is in us… in our inner treasure… inner lecture… let us be still and know that we are the godliness… we are what we see…

Be and see… Look at Mulla… he was a being and a seeing… Mulla was saying to me one, "I and my wife never argue, "I could not believe it! It seemed almost impossible that a wife and a husband did not argue. I said, "Mulla, how do you manage it?" He said, "the day we got married we decided one thing: I will talk about great and lofty subject and matters only, and she will take care of small trivia." I asked… for instance?"

337

He said, "for instance… I live my being and I do what I see is the best for us… so what house to buy, what car to buy… to what school we should send our children, what kind of clothes I should wear, what kind of business I should do… these are small trivia… My wife does them." "What is your doing Mr. Mulla?"

He said; "For example: whether God exists or not, whether war should be continues in the Arab world or not… things like that, great things… I decide great things because this is my being and my seeing… she decides small things …" What is your decision?

A young woman decided to bring her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk… "so what do you do for a living?" the father asked the young man… "I am a biblical scholar," he replied … "A Biblical scholar . Hmm… " the father said .. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study and God will provide for us" the young man replied "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? Asked the father …"I will concentrate on my studies and God will provide us .'' the young man replied "And children?" asked the father ."How will you support children?" "Don't worry sir God will provide us"… replied the fiancé…

338

The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father asked; the young idealist insisted that God will provide … Later, the mother asked "How did it go Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I am God."

339

Nude Runner A woman was having a daytime affair while her man was at work… One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. Oh my God, grab your clothes and jump out the window… I can't jump out the window. It's raining… jump out… he'll kill us both… he has a gun… so the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window and started running right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, being naked, with his clothes under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity. Fogged closer … Do you always run in the nude? One asked … "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in the air …"it feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side … "Do you always run currying your clothes with under your arm?" "oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly "that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run an get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope… just when it's raining."

Old people have problems that we haven't even considered yet!! An 85 – year – old man was told by his doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam…

340

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man came and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day … The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "well, doc, it's like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing… Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing… then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing… she tried with her mouth… first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing… we even called up Aline, the lady next door, and tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing … The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, ye, none of us could get the jar open!!!

Your parrot is dead … At dawn the telephone rings… "Hello, senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem? Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead … My parrot? Dead? The one that won the great international competition? Si, Senor, that's the one Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird… what did he die from? From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.

341

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat? Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse … Dead horse? What dead horse? The thorough bred, Senor Rod … The best Arabic horse? My prize winner horse is dead? Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart… Are you insane? What water cart? The one we used to put out the fire, Sir … Good Lord !! what fire are you talking about, man? The one at your house Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire… what the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? Yes, Senor Rod … But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for? For the funeral, Senor Rod … What bloody funeral??? Your wife's Senor Rod… she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so I hit her with your silver can… that belongs to the golf club … Silence ……… long silence …… Ernesto, if you broke that cane, you are in deep shit ….

Yes! Let us stick to the cane… it is the most important gift to hold… what is your best bliss in this now? What do you ask for? Or what do you have as your best of the best? Let us be aware of the divine diamond that we have… let us be grateful to this jewel …

342

What is my jewel now? My real feeling!! I am angry because my internet is sick… I called the healer but he needs days to come and fix it… yes I can go to a nearby net place and read my emails but why not at home? Why not look at the positive side of this pain?

Here I am writing and sharing my feelings… how many cannot do it? Cannot confess our festive and fusstive? How blessed I am… thank you for reading my stupidity ….

Let us take a deep breath for few minutes… let us share white light in and out… healing power to all what we see and we don't see … Thanks to our body and to our being and to mother earth and to God who is in us and for us forever…

Yes our beloved us… let us live our now in a new cup… to wake up not to make up … time new cup… to wake up not to make up… time is life… is a bridge to god… let go and let god… let us trust existence… let us do what we can and keep in touch with our healing touch… And be grateful to every moment and be at – one – ment with this now… this wow… take a deep breath… Breathing is one of the things to be looked after because it is our life force… if you are not breathing fully, you are not a live… you cannot live fully... Something will always remain incomplete… once breathing is perfect everything else falls into line…

343

Breathing is life… but we ignore it… let us read about it again and again… let us pay attention to this gift of life… and every change that is going to happen is through the change of breathing… if for many years you have been breathing wrongly, shallow breathing, then your body is sick… it is if somebody has not moved for years, legs have gone dead, the muscles have shrunk, blood flows no more… so if he decide to walk he cannot move… now much effort will be needed to bring those dead legs to life again…

Everybody breathes wrongly because the whole society is based on very wrong conditions, notions, attitudes… for example, a small child is weeping and the mother says not to cry… what will the child do? He will start holding his breath because that is the only way to stop it… then by and by that becomes a fixed thing… don't be angry… don't do this… don't do that…

When David went to school… his mom asked him… what did you learn today…? I learned that my name is not don't… it is David…

The child learns that if he breaths shallowly then he remains in control… if he breathes perfectly and totally as every child is born breathing, then he becomes wild… so he cripple himself… All societies that are sex – repressive are bound to be shallow – breathing societies… only primitive people who don't have any repressive attitude about sex breathe perfectly… it is completely and whole… like animals and children…

344

It is through the breath that you are bridged… Breath is the bridge between your Soul and your body… if you can watch your breath rising and falling, slowly slowly you will be able to see the body as separate from yourself… Suddenly one day you will realize that you are the witness of it all… why?

Because the watcher cannot be the watched, the observer cannot be the observed… you become who you are… and the witness is certainly transcendental to all that is witnesses… In that very moment freedom has happened to you… we are born free but we never lived this bliss… we are victims of victims… and arrogance is our enemy… and ignorance is our first step towards life… towards wisdom… One who realizes that he is ignorant is already on the path of breath… one who realized that he is poor is already on the path of the kingdom of God, the real treasure… one who realizes that he is blind, his eyes are already opening …

One who realizes that he is blind… deaf …. Stupid… will sooner or later become capable of listening… will sooner or later become capable of listening… And then he will know the music of existence … So conscious ignorance is not ignorance at all… it is the ultimate state of consciousness… it is pure knowing… you remain in your knowing, but you don't accumulate knowledge… knowledge is always of the past… knowing is in the present, is of the present… be consciously ignorant… and this ignorance is full of light… not full of knowledge…

Let us see what we know? First man: I think I am spending too long on the computer, I am starting to get spots in front of my eyes …

345

Second man: Have you seen an optician? First man: No, just spots …

A minister was held at a gun point by a robber, thinking him to be just another prey … Robber: Give me your money … Minister: Do you know I am in the government? Robber: In that case, give me my money…

The Indian secret to A long Marriage … At the Swami meeting, they have weekly husband marriage seminars… At the session last week, the priest asked Popath, who said he was approching his 50th wedding anniversary, they asked him about this miracle… Popath replied to the assembled husbands, well! I have tried to treat her nice, spending money on her, but best of all is, I took her to the Bombay for the 25th anniversary… The priest responded: Popath! You are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary… Popath proudly replied… I am going back to Bombay to pick her up…

He is blessing her… let her stay alone without her husband… if you ask any woman… "Who was your best husband?" "My ex-husband

346

was the best!!"… Let us share our blessing… A person becomes capable of blessing others only when he is full of blissfulness… In fact then one need not bless, blessings go on pouring… your bliss starts over flowing, you become like a fountain. And you become connected with the inexhaustible source of life… that source is called God …

The moment bliss arises in your heart… then immediately your life becomes a light, not only for yourself but for others too… your life becomes love… Not that you are loving, you simply become love… that is how one becomes a blessing to the whole existence … Blessed are those who are blissful because they are not only a blessing to themselves but a blessing to all…

This is the status of the bliss… Bliss is the Everest… there is nothing higher than that. And unless you reach the Everest of bliss you have not fulfilled your mission in life… your destiny in life …

Bliss is a strange wine… strange, because on one hand it makes you fully aware, and on the other hand it makes you fully intoxicated with the divine, fully aware of your being and this is the most miraculous events, when awareness becomes intoxicated you are and you are not and both are together, both are one… blissfulness is our birthright… we just have to claim it and meditation is our claim… and our key…

If you want to be blissful nobody can prevent you: if one is miserable it is one's own decision to be so… It is as if in the morning the sun has risen, but you can go on remaining in your room with closed windows and closed doors and it is still dark for you… But this darkness is your own creation… All that is needed is to open the windows and the

347

doors and the Sun will start pouring… that is exactly the case with bliss is always there surrounding you. we live in the ocean of bliss, we are like fish in the ocean of bliss, but we don't allow it to enter… we are very closed, we are windowless; hence the misery …

Bliss is the fragrance of meditation… we are a noisy crowd inside, a constant inner politics… when the inner war stops we find bliss… all that is needed is awareness… just be aware and a miracle happens… you have reached beyond time and space… that is the ultimate grace...

Just be blissful… no other law… no other rule… no other discipline is needed… no commandments… just a simple message to be blissful… take a deep breath… this is our only path… our only birth… a new birth… a new human being… a new human becoming… the river is a living verb… a rivering… this is who we are… be still and know that you are a mystery… a super Christ consciousness… the living existence… life is a tale told by an idiot or by a Christ… It all depend on me… on you… on us… Yes! Let us laugh with the idiots…

Sometimes we have trouble with our computer… and much more than you… yes! me… but what can I do? I call and I wait and then it works… But yesterday I called George… the 11 year old next door, and asked him to come over… he clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem… As he was walking away, I called him …"So, what was wrong?" He replied, it was an ID Ten T error." I did not want to appear stupid, but none the less enquired … An, ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again…

348

George grinned… Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T error before?" No, I replied … "Write it down," he said… "And I think you will figure it out…" ID10T Ah… yes… I am that which is… I used to like George, the little bastard…

If you are not a Senior yet then send this to one of us … A joke a day keeps the Jews away… why Jews? Later we share why … now more juice …

349

Let us juice together… Seriousness is like a desert… not like a garden… we need a green revolution… love can do that miracle… love is non – serious… it is playful… hence all the religions have been denying love for the simple reason that you become a saint… a serious face… no juice just like a dehydrated fruit… All the juice has gone…

Love is juice… in the east they say God is juice… love is non – serious, it is a live, it is playful… love makes life fun, a celebration… we need a new kind of religious person for whom laughter is more valuable than prayer, for whom playfulness is far more spiritual than seriousness, who should be closer to a poet than to a philosopher, closer to music than to mathematics, closer to sensitivity rather than being dull, closed, walled from all sides, afraid of life, escapist, renouncing life… no, that is not going to be our way…

We need a new man… a new humanity… a new human becoming… if not you and me who else? If not now ? when… Instead of renouncing life, let us rejoice in life… and the way to rejoice is to love… is to live to juice in us… is to celebrate not to celibate … Remember the letter R… remember that you are not a number but a member to member the treasure in us… the grace in us… the bliss in us and the love, life, light and laughter let us laugh for a reason beyond any season …

350

Only a Farm Kid When you are from the country… your perception is a little bit different… A farmer drove to a neighbor's farm house and knocked at the door… A boy, about 9 opened the door … "Is your Dad home?" "No, he isn't, he went to town." "Well, is your Mom here?" "No, she went to town with Dad …" "How about your brother, David? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Sara his girlfriend…" The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself… "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad… it is about your brother David getting my daughter Suzie pregnant…" The boy thought for a moment . "You would have to talk to Dad about that… I know the charge $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for David."

How much do you pay for your jump?? Jump in the bliss … Yes! what is your best blessing now? Just see it and say it… to me… thank you God for the breath… I am still alive and breathing… it is a great occasion to live my vision… now – here is my only time and

351

breath is free and I am still living or alive but let me be grateful and thankful and use this moment for peace… Peace in me… let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me… let me be aware if I am a live… we are good in making a living but not in living… let me be grateful that I still have few hours or days or moments to live… what to do? What have I done for myself? where do I go if I die now?

Am I happy now? What did I do for my mother earth? Am I with Christ or with the Christians? Do I know or do I believe? Do I listen to my mind or to my heart? Do I hate? Do I have enemies? Do I have debts? Let me test and investigate myself and my consciousness… to confess is to face myself face to face… no masks… no egos… no minds… no fear… now is the only time to be free and alive… now is the only occasion to pay all my bills and live my bliss and count my blessings… now is the only time to have the true time and place to live my grace and my choice… do not postpone the truth… do not postpone the joy… let us rejoice our joy and be free and fly high in our inner sky…

Yes! let us share Jews… not juice… but Jews… Jews are intelligent people, the most intelligent in the world… that is why they are hated so much… they have committed only one mistake in their whole history; that they crucified Jesus and missed the greatest business that was available to them!! It is such a rare phenomenon, that it went into the hands of the Italians… the whole business… It is inconceivable… Jews losing it to the Italians!! If the Italians were selling spaghetti, that would have been

352

okay, but they are selling Jesus! Otherwise, the Jews have never committed any mistake … But that one mistake has cost them very much; they became uprooted… But sometimes blessings come in the form of curses… When they became uprooted, when they lost their land, they became, naturally, more intelligent than anybody else because they had to exist in adverse conditions…

No matter race has existed in such adverse conditions as the Jews this is why they brought the intelligence to its highest peak… they lived amongst strangers who are not friends with them but they became more and more intelligent…

More Nobel prizes goes to Jews than to anybody else… and wherever they are they succeed, whatsoever they are doing they bring a certain magic to it… they are the first to reap the crop…

Yes! they have to drop a certain guilt that they have carried for two thousand years… Deep down the guilt is there… they need somebody who can take away that guilt… Mohammad came with the compassion to erase every sin and every guilt and forgive and live the love and the light… it is just human to commit mistakes… no need to do wars and hate… just a little awareness and they will disappear… no more sins… no more guilts… no more kills… let us see our real being… our real humanity… we are one family… a great whole and holy commune of brothers and sisters… Let us be and do what we can to plant peace… Just as our fathers invented new ways of serving. Each a new service according to his own character: one the service of love, the other the service of justice… the other that of beauty… the other shared compassion… So each one of us in our way shall devise something new

353

in the light of the teachings and of service and do what has not yet been done… let us plant love in a new way… a new cup to wake up and be who we are… and one seed turns the whole earth green… yes! we are here to learn not only from masters and teachers, but from every one… even from one who is ignorant… and from one who is wicked… we can gain understanding as how to conduct our life by watching nature and its balance and its harmony…

354

life is our teacher… A student asked, "How is one to know the precise time when night ends and day begins? One student said, "It is when one can distinguish between a dog and a sheep in the far distance, that is when day begins." Another said, "It is when you can tell the difference between a fig tree and a date tree, then night is fully gone …" “No, it is neither of those things" said the Rabbi. "It is when you can see your brother or sister in the face of a stranger… until then, night is still with us …" He means the ignorance… the fight… the wars… the hate… why kill? Why not heal? By knowing ourselves we know that the other is myself too… we don't belong to any land… wherever we stand is our holy land… God is one and we are all…

At – one – ment with this oneness… Let us wake up and be who we are beyond any bond and any age or stage or cage… let us be free and fly high in our inner sky… let us live the vision of one peaceful world …

Yes we can… this is why we are here and this is why we are reading our feelings and our mission of compassion… let us take a deep breath and be grateful to this grace… to this choice… let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me… mewe…

Rabbi Moses was sitting in the confessional box with father Peter to learn the principles of the catholic religion… Two women confessed

355

to having made love with their boyfriends, and it was not once but three times this week… As penance they were told to say three prayers and put ten dollars un the poor box… just then the priest was called to leave for another job and asked the rabbi to take his place and just be sure to get the ten dollars …

The rabbi sat in the box… the first girl confessed to having sex with her lover… "Three times?" asked the rabbi …"No, just once" said the girl… "I will tell you the best… go back and do it twice more… we have got a special this week… three for twenty five dollars."

A priest and a rabbi are together on a long rail journey they argued about the truth of religion until the priest, feeling he was getting the worst of it… asked the rabbi… "Can you swear you never enjoyed the taste of pork?" The rabbi colored up, and said …"yes I have eaten pork." "And it was very nice wasn't it?" asked the priest … The rabbi suddenly said …"Father can you swear as a Christian priest that you have never enjoyed sex with a girl out of the flock?" The priest tried to beg off… but the rabbi insisted. "The truth, come on, the truth" … "Well, rabbi, I confess it… yes… I have… " "Nicer than pork, isn't it"

Human: what is century like to you?

356

God: It is like a short second Human: what is a billion dollars like to you? God: like a penny Human: can I have a penny? God: How Funny… just wait for a second

Kamal, a fresh computer graduate from a world class university goes for an interview in a software company … The interviewer is Waleed, a grubby old man… And the first question he asks, is as usual, are you good at logic? Of course replies Kamal "Let me test you… Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face… which one washes his face? "The one with the dirty face washes his face" Answers Kamal … "Wrong. The one with clean face washes his face… Examine the simple logic… the one with the clean face looks at the one dirty face and thinks his face is dirty so he goes and washes his face … But the one with dirty face looks at the clean face and thinks my face is clean… and he did not wash his face… " ''Hmm… I never thought of that"… says Kamal So this could happen to us too… let us be aware of our logic mind…

357

The best divorce Dear wife, I am writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you for ever… I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it… These last 2 weeks have been hell… your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw . last week, you come home and didn't even notice I had a new hair cut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers… you ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep… you don't even tell me you love me any more; you don't want sex are anything that connects us as husband and wife… Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me any – more… whatever is the case, I'm gone… your ex- husband … p.s. don't try to find me… your sister and I are moving away to west Virginia together!! Have a great life …

Dear Ex – husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter… It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been… I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing came to my mind was ' you look just like a girl!! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I did not comment… And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I, its price… I mean… I just gave $50 to my sister that morning… so she bought you the boxers and she borrowed the money from me…

358

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out… So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica… But when I got home you were gone … Everything happens for a reason, I guess… I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted … My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me… So take care… Signed Your ex – wife Rich as hell and free p.s. I don't know if I ever told you this… but my sister Carla was born Carl… I hope that's not a problem …

What is a problem? Mind is the root cause of all problems… problems grow on mind like leaves on trees… you can go on pruning the leaves; that is not going to destroy the tree… on the contrary …it will help the foliage to become thicker… more and more leaves will be coming… Every Gardner knows this… cut one leaf and the tree will accept the challenge… To protect itself it will give birth to three leaves … Mind can go on trying to solve problems, but it cannot solve them… Each solutions will bring many more problems… that is why philosophy has utterly failed… thousands of brilliant people have wasted their whole brilliance for the simple reason that they were trying to solve single problems rather than going to the very root of all…

359

The mind is the only problem… The creator of the problems must be changed, then the problems drop on the periphery… yes… you enjoy your problems… hence, you create them to enjoy them… change comes from yourself … Watch yourself and look at the problems… Is it really there? Or have you create it? Look deeply into it, and you will suddenly see it is not increasing, it is decreasing, it is becoming smaller and smaller … The more you watch… the smaller it becomes… and a moment comes when suddenly it is not there… you will have a good laugh… let us remember that problems are never solved; one has only to rise higher in consciousness… just be your own doctor… your own master… watch and witness every now… it is a new choice… a new grace to live and be alive… let us wake up!! Little boy was playing with his blocks when his father entered the room... "Quiet, Dad, I am building a church.'' The father, thinking that he would test his some along the lines of religious knowledge said, „„Why do you want to be quiet in church?" "We have to, because the people are sleeping."

Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A: concrete floors are very hard to crack!

360

Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A: No time at all it is already built…

Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A: very large hands.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand? It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand…

Me too I love money … Money can buy a house… but not a home Money can buy a bed …. But not sleep Money can buy a clock …. But not time Money can buy you a book… but not knowledge … Money can buy you medicine… but not health So you see, money isn't everything… And it often causes pain and suffering… I tell you all this because I am your friend… and as your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering… So send me all your money … And I will suffer for you …

361

Japanese Attitude for work: If one can do it, I can do it If none can do it, I must do it … Arab local version Wallahi if one can do it, let him do it …. If none can do it… ya – akhi why should I do it…

A man punched his wife's doctor in the face … ''what was that for?" asked the doctor … "you made an indecent suggestion to my wife" "No, I didn't… All I said was that she had acute angina" … Not a cute Vagina …

362

Words Words are very Troublesome because they carry the past; they are made by the past, they are over burdened by the past… and its meaning comes from the past… So we twist the meaning in order to fit the now… the words are old, the bottle are old, but the wine is new… Millions of people have been burded by Christians… In every religion we have wars for peace… words became so important… with foolish people it happens always; the reality fades away and words take its place… The word God or Allah becomes more important than the phenomenon of love or the reality of God… then we are killing each other for the word… the sword is the answer… we trust in word fire more than fire itself… the word "water" is water… But when you are thirsty, the word water is not going to help… The really significant things in life can never be said through words; only silence is capable of communion… words are utilitarian… they belong to the market place… hence when you really want to say something of the heart you will always it unsayable… Love cannot be uttered, gratitude cannot be spoken of, prayer is bound to be a deep silence inside you …

And this is of fundamental importance to understand because we are brought up through words, with the idea that everything can be said… we try to say it, and by saying those things which are not sayable we falsify them…

Truth cannot be communicated, no word is adequate enough, big enough to contain it… it is so vast, vaster than the sky, and words are so tiny… they are good for day – to – day things… the mind consists of

363

words, the heart consists of silence, profound silence… Virgin silence… unbroken silence …

The Bible begin with a very strange statement… In the beginning was the word, and God was with the word, and God was the word… this beginning of the Bible has led the whole western mind in a wrong direction …

The word can never be the beginning because before the word can exist, the sound is needed… to transform the sound into word a mind is needed… the word can never be the beginning… the sound of running water is not a word… the sound of wind passing through the pine trees is not a word… word came much later on… word came with man, not with existence. It is giving meaning to Sound… Sound is there, then comes the mind… then mind interprets the sound and makes the word… the word is a human creation …

Be still and know yourself… you contain it all… the seed and the flower… first we have to drop the words… and live the power of silence… go beyond all languages… and listen to the sound and this is the door of meditation… that silence has a certain rhythm and music to it… but it is pure silence… no word… no mind… no interpretation … And this is the beginning and the end… this is the perfect circle… this is our sacred home… our silent home…

But the Masters have always believed in the spoken word; there are reasons for it… the Masters have never written books… the spoken word has an a live quality to it… the written word is dead, it is a corpse…

364

When the Masters speak to us it is a living light with us… a living life… we feel the energy… it is not the words but the being… the presence … Before the words reaches you, the master has already reached… he is already over flooding you… your heart is beating with the master in the same rhythm… just like the mother and the child… this communion is an invisible link… his words are from his innermost core …

It is like passing through a garden: even though you have not touched a single flower, when you reach home you can still feel the fragrance of the garden, your clothes have caught it, your hair has caught it… the pollen of the flowers was in the wind… you had not touched anything, but the fragrance was in the air, it has become a part of you … All the masters of all the ages have depended on the spoken word for the simple reason that the spoken word comes directly from their heart… it carries the fragrance of their inner world… it is full of their energy… by the time it is written it Will not be the same thing …

The spoken word means a communion between Christ and the disciple… the written word is not a communion, it is a communication… anybody can read it… and we argue against it… But with the spoken word even the enemy can feel it, he may become a little relaxed… He may start looking again before he makes any decision…

To be with a Christ is not the same as being with a priest… Christ is alive in all of us… He knew himself… do I know myself? We came from the same truth…

but what can we say about Truth…

365

It cannot be proved, it cannot be disproved either… it is beyond argument… hence philosophy goes on missing the point… That is the difference between philosophy and religion: philosophy argues, religion experience… through argument we go about and about, round and round in circles… but we never penetrate the core of the problem… you can be very convinced by your own chattering, but it does not transform you…

Truth liberates… when there is no argument inside… one is utterly silent, one has no for or against… Has knowledge… one does not know… one simply knows not… In that pure state of not – knowing, truth happens… to function from that state of not knowing is TO BE IN MEDITATION …

Yes! let us live laughters …

Two Pakistanis, Zardari and Musharraf moved to Paris where they made friends with a French guy named Jean – paul … They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day… Jean – paul disappeared… The Two went to the police and lodged a complaint… The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about... Jean – paul that would help find him … Zardari says… 'Jean – paul was handsome and tall'' … Police says… ''Most Frenchmen are like that… give us something specific'' Musharraf says… ''Jean – paul had blue eyes and was very fair… " Police say " C'mon guys, lots of Frenchmen have blue eyes and fair hair, tell us something specific"

366

Zardari and Musharraf …"Oh yes… Now we remember! Jean – Paul had Two holes in his ass!!!" The policemen get really interested …"Now that's something very specific… but tell us, how do you know this?? Have you guys seen it?" Zardari and Musharraf …"No we haven't actually seen the holes, but wherever we went with Jean – paul, everyone used to say… Here come Jean – paul with the two ass holes…"

An old sheikh Imam had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession… Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem to concerned about it… One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects…

A Quran, a golden Dinar, and a bottle of whiskey … "I'll just hide behind the door, "the old Imam said to himself… "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up… if it's the Quran, he's going to be an Imam like me, and it will be a great blessing… if he picks the dinar, he is going to be in business, and that would be okay, but if he picks up the bottle, he is going to be a drunkard, and, ya Allah what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon the son entered the house whistling and tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects!! With curiosity in his eyes, he walked over to inspect them…

367

Finally, he picked up the Quran and placed it under his arm. He picked up the golden dinar and dropped it into his pocket… He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink… "Ya Allah have mercy… he's gonna be an Arab president or king or an Imam" the old man whispered…

Let us see this joke… it happens with us too … Getting a hair dryer through customs… A yond pretty young woman on a flight with a priest beside her, asked him "Father may I ask a favor?" "Of course, my child… what may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive ladies electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it… Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "with your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to customs, she let the priest go a head of her… the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare…" The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father, Next!!"

368

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane… the woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds… The man went back to his reading … A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more… Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about shuddering… A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again… As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before… Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently… Are you Ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious …"I have never heard of that condition before" he said .."Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded… "pepper"

369

Our beloved us You are just a watcher… The mind is there, the body is there, But you are not the body, Neither you are the mind… You are simply a watcher… Just watching, you become more and more centered… Just watching, you become closer and closer To the universal center… just watching, and you have got it: the eternity of it… the immortality of it… the tremendous rejoicing of it… A man who has experienced Christ within Himself, his whole life becomes a Festival of lights… Each moment a dance, Each moment thousands of flowers Blossom in the consciousness… The deeper in the consciousness… The deeper the watcher goes, The more hidden treasures open their Doors… our journey is Within… our home is in … In is our only inn …

370

Beloved us Time is thought to consist of three tenses… past, present, future which is wrong… time consists only of past and future… It is life which consists of the present… so those who want to live, for them there is no other way than to live this moment … Only the present is existential Past is simply a collection of memories, and future is nothing but our imagination… our dreams … Reality is here now…

The present has nothing to do with time… if you are just here in this moment, there is no time… there is immense silence, stillness, no movement, nothing is passing everything has come to a sudden stop… The present gives us the opportunity to dive deep into the water of life, or to fly high into the sky of life… But or both sides there are dangers past and future are the most dangerous words in human language… Between past and future, living in the present is almost like walking on a fight rope; on both sides there is danger… But once you have tasted the juice of the present, you don't care about dangers… once you are in tune with life then nothing matters… and to us life is all there is…

squeeze it totally because it is not going to come back again… once gone, it is gone forever… me too… I feel fear… Why?

Let us share our care… yes we dare… listen… not only to the words but to the silence in between the words… this is the source of our cure and our cause …

371

Man has become fear – oriented… No child is born fear – oriented… you can watch any child… he can even play with a snake… he has no fear... he can even play with fire… he has no fear… the child comes into the world as fearlessness… but we impose fear… every child is love oriented …and every so – called grown – up is fear oriented …

I would like to become love – oriented… let us drop all fears… yes! it is easy… there is nothing to be afraid of… there is no hell… don't be worried about it… and there is no heaven so don't become greedy for it… All that is… is here now… this moment contains all hell… all heaven… and it depends on us… on you… on me… if you enjoy… rejoice… if you are in deep love with life, if you can celebrate… you are in paradise… if you cannot enjoy… if your sources of celebration have been poisoned… if you have such heavy chains on your feet and your hands and you cannot dance with life, then you are in hell… you are free to fly out of your prison… what is your choice …

A priest saw Peter… who was recently got married… in church after a long absence… speaking to him later… the priest said… "I believe your wife has brought you back to your religion …" "That‟s right" said Peter ''I did not believe in hell till I married her…" The priest… the politician… the pundit have created a hell here… and because they have created a hell you have started believing in hell… and the more you believe in hell… the more you participate in creating it …

Don't believe in believing… Truth has to be lived… to be experienced… has to be known No one has the right to believe Everyone has the right to know

372

This life has to be lived with as much as joy is alive in the birds… in nature… in children ….

Have you seen a bird on the wing? Just opening its petals? Joy opening its petals… have you seen a river rushing to the ocean? Joy rushing to the ocean… except for man… have you ever seen misery anywhere?

The trees are blessed because they don't have these three prisoners… the priest… the pundit and the politician …

And the problem is that they have dominated our mind so long that we don't think they are enemies… In fact… on the contrary …people like me look enemies or anyone who loves the truth is not love because we go against the false… against the lie …

This society… this rotten society needs to be destroyed …only the ruins of this society can another society arrive… only on the ruins of this imprisoned consciousness can freedom be born… man has to live a new way… we have lived too long with these poisoners and they have destroyed all that is beautiful… All that is valuable… they have destroyed the whole poetry of life… they have given you only toys and they have taken real things… away from you… they have given you words…

You can go on chewing on words like "God"… "Love" but you don't know what God is… you don't know what love is… All that you know is fear… All that we know is money… power… politics… and we go on talking about prayer… that is mere talk…

373

Let us listen to the light power not to the fight power… let us have the courage to be who we are…

Yes my soul friends… if we listen to the Truth… this society is going to be destroyed… but this destruction is just an introduction to a new creation… Before something can be created… the old has to be destroyed…

Yes! let us learn about our mother earth… this very earth is our paradise and our body is the body of light… and there is nowhere else to go nothing else to know… Don't sacrifice the present moment for anything for any philosophy… theology… for any politics…

Ideology… go beyond the mind and its ideas… Don't sacrifice your present moment for any nation… for any church… for any race… don't sacrifice at all your amness… celebrate yourself… and once you love yourself… you love the world… you live the oneness with the one… and the moment will become at – one – ment… with existence…

And slowly slowly our whole life will be a song… this is the Transformation… this is the new birth… the new man… the new humanity…

This is the seed that we need to live the peace that we need… one seed turns the whole earth green and you are the seed…

When are we going to be who we are… to be or not to be is the action… for thousands of years… humanity has lived in a kind of

374

nightmare… but now things have come to a climax and something is going to happen… yes! something tremendously important is going to happen… Either man is going to die utterly… if you go on following the past them you are doomed… or – and there is every possibility that humanity will not decide to commit suicide… there is every possibility that now things have come to such an end that humanity will decide to take a new route…

We have moved horizontally for too long… now we have to move vertically… we have moved in time for too long… now we have to move in eternity… we have desired and been ambitious for too long… now we have to drop all desiring and ambitions and we have to put our whole energy into the present moment… now – here or nowhere else… yesterday is a history… tomorrow is a mystery… now is the only present… let us make it a celebration…

This celebration is our only freedom… our only home and dome… freedom from the past… breaking away from restrictions imposed by outside forces such as parents; society , or religions… the next stage is freedom from any cage to freedom for a new sage… a positive freedom that comes from creating something for our new vision for peace and them we live "just freedom" the highest freedom… we are born free under one dome… in one home… just being yourself… being oneself and responding truthfully to each moment… Let us remember these seeds… I don't want to be a believer…

375

I want to be a knower… I don't want to be knowledgeable; I want to be innocent enough so that existence reveals its new mysteries to me… every now is a new wow… I don't want to be worshiped as a Saint but to be remembered as a singer, as a dancer, as a poet who has shared all his or her potential, just like the flower showering its fragrance to existence … Everyone of us contains God, every cloud, every tree, every ocean is full of godliness… of love of light… of compassion… so who is to worship whom?

Let us be our self… Yes! me too …let us share a story that we love… I have heard about a man who loved two beautiful woman and was always in trouble, because even one woman is trouble enough!! both of them wanted to know whom he loved the most… they took him for a ride on the lake in a boat, and in the middle of the lake they stopped the boat and they told the man: "It has to be decided, because it is heavy on our hearts… once we know we will become slowly, slowly tolerant about it; we may accept it. But remaining in the dark and always thinking about it has become a wound."

The man said "what is the matter? Ask directly!" Both the women said together …"our question is, whom do you love most?"

The man fell into deep silence… it was such a strange situation in the middle of the lake… but he must have been a man of great humor… He said, "I love each of you more than the other... and both women were satisfied… that's what they wanted…

376

What do you want? What do I want? What is our desire now? What is my feeling now? How to be in this now? How to listen to my self? Not to my mind!!! Yes I can… just take a deep breath and feel the energy in your third eye & fly in…

This is what I want… just to be myself… we have the courage to be who we are… this is our birthright… who can help me to be me? Any master… any Christ… any light… just search for your door and go in… A man like Jesus Christ is a continual nuisance, because he reminds you that you can also be of the same beauty… of the same grace, of the same truth, and it hurts… He makes you feel inferior, and nobody wants to feel inferior …

There is nothing like an inferiority complex, all that is there is the phenomenon of the ego… if you are egoistic you are bound to compare yourself with others…

So drop comparing… just be yourself… don't look at the richer nor at the poorer… neither inferior nor superior… the moment you drop comparing, you are simply yourself … neither this nor that … The teacher goes for a picnic in the woods with all the students… after all the kids have drunk lots of lemonade, several of the girls retire to the

377

bushes to pee and there is trouble with their clothes… little David walks in amongst them, pulls out his pecker and pees without any Trouble … "Wow!" says little Sally, really impressed… "That‟s a handy thing to bring on a picnic!"

The third – grade teacher calls little Jony and says, "can you use the word 'beautiful' twice in the same sentence?" "Oh, sure" replies Jony… "Um… yesterday, my sister came home, told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, Fucking beautiful!"

Outside the classroom it is snowing hard… "Boys and girls," says Mrs. Goodbody… "You must be very careful not to catch colds in this weather… I had a dear little brother, only seven years old… one day, he went out in the snow with his new skis… He caught a cold, pneumonia set in, and three days later he was dead." A hush falls over the classroom and then little Jony jumps up to his feet and asks … ''Can I have his skis?"

Little Ernie comes home early from school … "What are you doing home" asks his Mom… "I put a stick of dynamite under the teacher's desk" replied little Ernie …

378

“You go right back to school and apologize!" ''Mom, what school?"

Kids are here to play… not to compare… we are here to play… nothing can be done… God did the best… let go and let God… relax your body… let us take a deep breath… the heart in a let go… no desire… no future… this moment is all…

Every work is worship… is a play like kids… we work very seriously, as if through work something is going to happen, but it never happens through work... it happens only when work disappears and playfulness arises… just relax… but a relaxation that happens out of understanding… seeing this… doing evaporates… And then you are left whole, part of this cosmic play…

That is enlightenment… energy enjoys itself playing… it is the game of hide and seek… the energy is moving, abundant energy is overflowing… Be alert of this play… of this grace and enjoy the now so much that no energy is left to move into the future… then any moment the darkness falls, and all that is a burden disappears… suddenly you are freed… But the emphasis should be more and more on play… the present, here now… and less and less on the future… now and here is the kingdom of God …

379

Where is our kingdom? Jesus continuously talked about the kingdom of heaven, and that created much trouble… the very terminology created much trouble, because the word "kingdom" is political and politicians become afraid… He was crucified because they thought, 'this man is talking about some kingdom which coming on earth and this man is saying, 'I am the king of that kingdom' this man is trying to create a revolution, an overthrow of the government… this man wants to create another kingdom …" The king, the governor, the officials, the priests, they all became sacred and scared… And this man was influential because people listened to him… not only listened to him but they were totally new, something happened within them… So all became scared and what to do!! He seemed to be dangerous… Such an innocent man there never was, and he looked dangerous… it needs courage to be yourself… he was misunderstood… he used our language because there is no other language, and whatsoever he says he has to say it in our words …

Jesus was a master revolutionary but of the inner world… of the inner kingdom… the kingdom of heaven which is the eternal life … An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and said to the receptionist: "there's something wrong with my dick.." She became irritated and said, "you shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like this …" "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you …"

Now you have caused some embarrassment in this room full of people… you should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

380

"You should not ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone …" said the man … The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re – entered… The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "yes??" "There is something wrong with my ear" The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice…"And what is wrong with your ear Sir??" "I can't piss out of it" he replied… The waiting room erupted in laughter.. So let us use our language as it is!!!

Watch you language… use your words… let us have fun in every none or nun… Interviewer said "I shall either ask you 5 easy questions or one really difficult question. think well before you make up your mind" the candidate thought for a while and said," my choice is one really difficult question." "Well, good luck to you, you have made your choice! Now tell me this… what comes first, the egg or the hen?" The candidate was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said …. "It is the egg Sir!" "How?" the interviewer asked … "Sorry Sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a second difficult question!"

381

A young man made application to change his name according to the provision of the law… "what is your name?" the judge asked him in the court… "Bill stinks, Sir…" said the applicant "Well, I can understand why you want changed, Bill" said the judge laughing… and what do want the change to be… "William Stinks, Sir" replied the applicant…

In a party: Wife: look at that guy drinking and dancing… Husband: who is he? Wife: 10 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him Husband: Oh my God, he is still celebrating…

David is trying to hold a small mirror in his hand while he adjusts his tie… the mirror slips and shatters on the ground… "Oh, no!" He complains to Becky… "Now I am going to have seven years bad luck." "Nonsense" replies Becky "My uncle John once broke a mirror, and he didn't have seven years bad luck "Really?" says David, encouraged … "Really" repeats Becky… "He died the same day."

382

A boss has to interview 4 girls for secretary position … He asked Tricky questions to each one of them … Boss: "A woman normally has 2 lips… what is the difference between the two." First girl: "one is hairy, the other is not." Boss: "Ok… good" Second girl: "one can talk but the other can't…" Boss "that's better" Third girl: "one is vertical & the other is horizontal!.." Boss: "Hmm… clever" Fourth girl: "one is for my use & the other is for my boss! Boss: "you are hired!!!"

Your life is your life… it is not no body else's… so don't allow yourself to be dominated by others don't allow yourself to be dictated by others; that is a betrayal of life… if you allow yourself to be dictated by others… your parents, your society, your education system… your politicians , your priests, whosoever they are… you will miss Your life …. Why? Because the domination comes from outside and life is within you… they never meet… I am not saying that you should become a no – sayer to each and everything… that is too is not of much help… there are two types of people… one is an obedient type, ready to surrender to any and everybody… they don't have any independent soul in them; they are immature, childish, always searching for a father- figure, for somebody to tell them what to do and what not to do… they are not able to trust

383

their own being… these people are the greater part of the world, the masses…

Then there are, against these people, a small minority who reject society, who reject the values of the society. They think they are rebellious … They are not, they are only reactionaries… Because whether you listen to Society or you reject Society, if Society remains in either way the determination or the determinating factor, then you are dominated by the Society… You are a rope in the hands of the others…

Let me tell you an anecdote: Once Mulla had been away for a while and arrived back in town wearing a long beard. His friends kidded him about it and asked him why he is changed… Mulla began to complain and cruse the beard too… his friends were amazed and asked him why not shave it… why you don't get rid of it… but his answer was "because my wife hates it too."

But that does not made you free… the hippies, the yippies and others, they are not really rebellious people, they are reactionaries… they have reacted against the Society… A few are obedient, a few are disobedient, but the center of domination is the same… a few obey, a few disobey, but nobody looks at his own Soul …

A real rebellious person is one who is neither for Society nor against Society, who simply lives his life according to his own understanding… whether it goes against Society or it goes with Society is not a consideration, it is irrelevant… sometimes it may go with the Society, but that is not the point to be considered… He lives according

384

to the understanding, to the knowing… to his energy of light… to his small light …

And let us not become very egoistic about it… we know that our light is small but we share our light… our love… and it will grow and glow … I may be wrong, but please allow me to be wrong according to myself … That is the only way to learn… to commit mistakes is the only way to learn… to move according to one's own understanding is the only way to grow and become mature…

If you are always looking at somebody to dictate to you whether you obey or disobey makes no difference… if you are looking at somebody else to dictate to you, to decide for or against, you will never be able to know what your life is… it has to be lived, and you have to follow your own small light…

Mulla once told a story about a man who wanted to bury his own shadow in a deep pit… He dug the pit and stood in such a position that his shadow was on the bottom of it… the man then tried to bury it by covering it with earth… each time he threw some soil in the hole the shadow appeared on the top of it… of course, he never succeeded in burying the shadow… Many people behave like this when they meditate… they take the mind to be real, try to fight it and kill it. And always fail… these fights against the mind are all mental activities which empowers the mind instead of weakening it… if you want to get rid of the mind, all you have to do is to understand that it is 'not me! Cultivate the awareness …''I am the consciousness''… when you know this… no more mind …

385

But mindfulness …. So accept yourself as you are… you need no one to correct you… you can either be fast asleep or awake …

There is no need for any correction… you are not to be improved upon… then what is needed? Awakening is needed… not correction… not better morality, not better conduct… no… just consciousness… and with consciousness, morality comes of its own accord …

The first and the only step is to know who you are, is to become aware… become more alert… No character is needed… because all character… is false if you are not conscious, and all character is a bondage if you are not conscious… and all character is nothing but chains… it does not bring freedom… all morality is hypocrisy… if you are not aware, if you are not conscious…

So religion means only one thing: to be more conscious, live more consciously… forget about correction… put your total energy into awakening… there are only Two ways to be … Unconscious or conscious …. Choose …

The priest asked… "Who is the most perfect man? Is there such a being? If anybody has ever seen the perfect man, let him stand now" A small nervous man rose in the rear of the hall… the priest gazed at him in astonishment… 'Do you mean to say, sir, that you know who the perfect man is?"

386

"I certainly do!" "Who may be?" "My wife's first husband " said the man …

Ah! What else can we end this book? Or no end but how can we begin the next look?? You are so right light… laughter is the only lover… It happened: Mull Nasruddine walked into the office of a cemetery and complained to the manger : "I know well that my wife is buried here in your cemetery but I can't find her grave…"the manager checked in his register and asked …"what is her name?" so Mulla said "Madame Mulla Nasruddine…" He looked again and said, "There is no Madame Mulla Nasruddine, but there is Mulla Nasruddine," So he said, "we are sorry, it seems something has gone wrong in the register …" Nasruddine said … "Nothing is wrong… where is the grave of Mulla Nasruddine? Because everything is in my name... "Even the grave of his wife!!

Everybody goes on trying to possess: the beloved, the lover… this is no longer love… In fact when you possess a person, you hate, you destroy, you kill: you are a murderer… love should give freedom. Love will make the beloved more and more free, love will give wings, and love will open the vast sky… it cannot become a prison… open the cage

387

and let your bird go & fly his freedom… if he comes back, he loves you… if he does not, even in the cave… in the cage is not for you … The true love comes only when you are aware… let us be aware of what we are holding… look at your wife and at your girlfriend… wife is like a TV, girlfriend is like a mobile … At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your mobile… Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your mobile… TV is free for life, but for the mobile, if you don't pay, services will be terminated… TV is big and bulky, Mobile is cute, slim, curvy and very portable … Operational costs for TV is minimal, but for the mobile it is often high and demanding … Most importantly, Mobile is a twoway communication, you talk and listen, but with TV you must only listen, whether you want to or not… Last but not least! TVs don't have viruses, but mobiles often do!!!

A man loved his girlfriend so much that he had her name Wendy tattooed on his willy… One day he was standing at a urinal when he glanced down he noticed the name Wendy Tattooed on the willy of the of the man near him… "Excuse me but do you know my girlfriend Wendy?" he asked… "No" came the reply " mine actually says… "welcome to Australia, have a nice day …"

388

Life is a hit or a miss proposition… either you make a hit or you remain a miss…

389

Don't miss any now… let it be your wow!! Our next now is a new wow… from us to us… what else can we do or be? Let us be who we are and let our star share what we care … Thank you all and let our well flow and flood more light and more laughter… this is our only treasure…

Mariam Nour Or Peace pace …

Forgive my greed… A wise man once sat in the audience and cracked a joke… All laughed like crazy… After a moment, he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time… He cracked the same joke again… this time there was no laughter in the crowd… He smiled and said…"when you cannot laugh at the same joke again and again, then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again? Forget the past and move on!"

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet. "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun.""Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister." "Pick up the gun." (He picks it up. Three shots ring out.) "You all saw him - he had a gun."

It was like a scene from Baywatch. Three girls were being interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the question: What would you do if you saw someone fall off a boat? The first said she would race immediately into the water and swim out to rescue them. The second said she would radio for a medical team to be waiting and then swim out to rescue them. The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to go out while she waited on shore for help. Now which girl got the job? Why! the one with big tits of course

Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community service. You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your sentence you will return to me with a full report of your work. The two drug dealers carry out the judges wishes and return to him at the end of their sentence. How did it go? the judge asks the first man. I managed to get 31 people off drugs, he replies. Well done, and how did you manage that? I drew two circles one large and one small. I told them the large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs. The judge then asks the second man how he did. I got 200 people off drugs, he replies. But that's staggering, says the judge. How did you manage that? Well, I drew two pictures a small circle and a large circle. I showed them the small circle first and told them that was their arsehole before going into prison

Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor immediately, shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the bank. Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one girl who lay on her back. Hey, whispered her friend, this is a bank robbery, not the office party, so turn over.

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs!

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.

"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occurred in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to

Hilarious Jokes!

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

One Liners

A brain went into a pub and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please?" "No way" says the barman "you are already out of your head".

What's the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.

Did you hear about the prawn that went to a nightclub - he pulled a mussel.

A man walks into a surgery "doctor" he cries "I think I'm shrinking" "I’m sorry, sir there are no appointments at the moment" says the physician "you will just have to be a little patient"

Thieves made off with a toilet from police station, police say they have nothing to go on

What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards?

Your wife back, your house back and your dog back.

Why did the orange stop? Cause it ran out of juice.

Which country is the worst at Karaoke?

Singapore

Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?" "Because I’m bloody freezing"

What happened to the shortsighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

Where does Sadaam Hussein keep his cds?

In a rack.

What did the mummy cow say to the baby calf before it was live exported?

Veal meet again.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

I used to work with a bald headed geezer who had tattoos of Rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.

My mate has just opened a delicatessen in Jerusalem. He's called it Cheeses of

Nazareth.

My husband joined the local mechanics course. They sent him home because he wasn't in the right gear.

What's ET short for?

Coz he's only got little legs....boom boom

Which mobile network do Jedi’s use?

Yodafone.

Where does a King keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

When is sheep ink? When it’s in a pen.

Where would you find a duck with no legs?

Where you left it.

What do you call a sheep that doesn't like Christmas?

Baaaa Humbug!

Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

How do you call all the squirrels in the world?...."Calling all squirrels, calling all squirrels"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

What do Arsenal and a three-pin plug have in common?

They are both useless in Europe.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A plumber divorcing his wife turns round and said it’s all over flo.

What do people in Yorkshire call ebay?

Ebaygum

During my driving lesson, I asked my instructor, 'Do I go left, right or straight across the roundabout?' He replied, 'No, you go around it.'

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have the same middle name.

There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who can't.

What do you call someone who used to like tractors?

An ex-tractor fan.

Man walks in to a bar

Ouch!

Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.

I went out last night and drank eleven pints of yoghurt, when I woke up this morning I was mullered.

What do you call a Chinese girl with a food mixer on her head?

Blenda.

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms that had a race?

It all ended in a tie.

Did you know, Benylin Cough medicine was invented by a Russian doctor? His named was Ivor Chestikov.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle?

A monKEY.

What is a vampire’s favourite fruit?

Neck-tarines.

Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin.

I spilt spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.

Why do elephants have four feet? They would look daft with just 6 inches.

A man walks in to a doctor's surgery, and tells the doctor that every time he lifts his arm it hurts like hell and asks the doctor what to do. The doctor tells him not to lift his arm.

What do you call a woman with 5 classes of beer balanced on her head? "Beertricks"

A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 'A pint please, landlord' he says. 'And one for the road'.

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra

What did the sea say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

What do you call a pop star that has regular bowel movements?

Damon All- Bran

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget.

Have you heard Poundstretcher and Marks and Spencer’s are merging?

They're now called Stretch Marks.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A bloke goes home to his wife and says, 'I've won the lottery, pack your bags.' She replies, 'What for, winter or summer?' 'Anything you like,' he says, 'now sod off.'

My last holiday was terrible, I flew with BA.

He just kept shouting “You crazy Fool, I aint getting on no plane!”

My friend swallowed an extractor fan, he’s OK now but it took it out of him.

I broke my neck once, but to be fair I haven’t looked back since

What’s green and smells like yellow paint?

Green Paint!

Knock knock? (Who's there?) Romeo (Romeo who?)

Romeover to the other side of the lake and I'll tell you!

How many Pokemon does it take to change a light bulb?

157 but you’ve got to catch them all!

Two cows in a field. One says to the other "I hear they're doing artificial insemination on us cows"

"Really?"

"Yep, straight up - no bull!"

What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?

Answer: A Carrot

Where is the best place to hide a leaf?

Answer: A Tree

Why did the Mushroom go to the party?

Answer: Because he’s a fun-guy

What do you call a girl with tiles on her head?

Ruth.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

What green and runs around your garden?

A hedge

Two overweight regulars are sitting in the pub.

'Your round' said one, to which the other replied,

'You can talk you fat cu*t!'

Stevie Wonder was having an interview and the interviewer asked about what it was like to be blind. He answered:

"it's not that bad, I mean, it could be worse, I could be black!"

Why have you called your pet newt tiny?

Because he's my newt.

What do you call an Australian who makes wooden toilets?

Lou Carpenter!

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Longer Jokes

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died" replied Tim tearfully without looking up "and I've just buried him".

The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?" Tim patted down the last piece of earth.

"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife "you know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell One rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell two rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings and we're ready to go on the engines. "That's super dear" says his old lady. "From now on" continues the fire fighter "we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell one I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell two I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell three we are going to have sex all night." So the next night the fireman comes home from work and yells "Bell one" and his wife takes of all her clothes. "Bell two" he shouts and she jumps into bed. "Bell three" he barks and they begin to have sex.. But after just a couple of minutes his wife yells "Bell four" "What’s this bell four?" the husband asks. "More hose" she replies "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'. The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?' The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A yuletide meal at an expensive restaurant is disturbed when a woman starts screaming. "My son is choking" she cries, "He's swallowed the sixpence in the Christmas pudding. Please anyone help!" Without speaking a man stands up at a nearby table and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly he grips the boy by the gonads and squeezes. The boy coughs and out pops the coin. "Thank you so much" beams the relieved mother, "are you a paramedic?" "No" replied the man "I work for the inland revenue".

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.

The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."

The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"

The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit

130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Old married couple and the husband is rummaging under the bed where he finds a cardboard box containing two eggs and five thousand pounds.

He goes downstairs to the wife and says, "I've just found this box under the bed with two eggs and five thousand pounds, what's going on?"

"Well" she says "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in that box." The old man weighs the situation up and thinks, "Two eggs after 50 years of marriage, I can forgive her that"

"O.K." he says and what about the five thousand pounds?" "Well" she says, " every time I had a dozen, I sold them!!!!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Old Mrs Harris goes to the doctor with an embarrassing problem. 'I pass wind all the time' she says. 'It doesn't smell and it's silent but it's very uncomfortable. In fact, I've done it 20 times since coming in'. The doc thinks for a minute then gives her a prescription. He tells her 'try taking these pills for a week then come back and see me'. A week later, Mrs Harris marches in, more embarrassed than ever.

'Doctor, I don't know what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever - and now it stinks too!' 'Calm down!' says the doc. 'Now we've sorted out your sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works

in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the woman.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A secretary answers the phone in a busy office "Nottingham Parachute Club" she says There's a sharp intake of breath "Excuse me" says a man on the other end of the phone, obviously startled. "But don't you mean the Nottingham Prostitute club?" "Oh no sir" laughs the secretary "its definitely a parachute club" "Damn! Last week your salesman called and signed me for 2 jumps a week"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A man and his dog walk into the pub and turn to the assembled patrons. 'Ladies and gentlemen' the man announces in a loud voice. 'I bet anyone here a pint of lager that my dog can talk'. After muttering from the tables, the barman agrees to the bet and is amazed when the dog perches himself on the barstool and delivers a fascinating speech about the situation in Ireland. The barman says 'that's amazing! But I bet you another pint that your pooch can't go and get you a newspaper'. After a moment, the man agrees and slips the dog a crisp fiver and says 'I want the change as well'. The dog nods and runs out the pub. He doesn't return after an hour though so the worried man find the pub in a nearby alley -

shagging a local bitch. 'Oi!' yells the man. 'You’ve never done this before!' to which the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A rich man is away on business and phones home. The maid answers and he asks if he can speak to his wife. 'She's upstairs shagging her lover' the undiplomatic home-help replies. 'Right' the man says. 'Take out my shotgun and shoot them both'. The maid leaves, the mean hears two loud shots and she returns. 'What shall I do with the bodies?' she asks. The man replies 'take them out the back and dump them in the swimming pool'. 'What swimming pool?' asks the maid. 'That is

849 9698, isn't it?' the man asks.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Sleeping beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world" Tom Thumb said "I must be the smallest person in the world" Quasimodo said "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world" They decided to go to the Guinness Book of Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "Its official I am the most beautiful girl in the world" Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant "I am officially the smallest person in the world" Sometime later Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time that produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what? (Oh, crumbs, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen, thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony the chanting continues "fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

'Doctor, I don't know what was in the pills but my problem is worse than ever - and now it stinks too!' 'Calm down!' says the doc. 'Now we've sorted out your sinuses, we'll see to your hearing'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

2 dwarfs win the lottery and so hire 2 prostitutes and 2 hotel rooms. Dwarf 1 tries all night to get an erection all he can hear from the next room is 'one ,two, three, huh!' this continues all night. The next morning, Dwarf 2 asks, 'so how did it go?' Dwarf 1 replies 'it was crap, I couldn't even get an erection. How was your night?' to which Dwarf 2 replies 'worse - I couldn't even get on the bed'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the c**t in the kitchen."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A man walks into Toys-R-Us and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show me your Barbie dolls, please?' 'Certainly, sir,' she says. 'Here, we have Fashion Barbie at £15.95, Vacation Barbie, also £15.95, Housewife Barbie - that's £15.95 too - and Divorcee Barbie, at £215.95.' The man is astonished. 'Why's Divorcee Barbie so much?' he asks. 'She looks the same as the others to me.' 'Well, sir,' says the assistant, 'that's because Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog...'

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

"That's the best pig I've ever had. My son fell into the river and this pig dived in and dragged him out by his teeth saving his life."

"I see" says the man "but that doesn’t explain why the pig only has three legs." The farmer replies "The other night there was a fire in the farm house, that pig ran over 2 miles to the fire station and brought back help, saved my house did that pig."

"That still doesn't explain why the pig is missing a leg" said the man.

"Well" said the farmer "If you had a pig that was so brilliant would you eat it all at once?"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

The other day I went to get a ticket for the Channel Tunnel.

I asked the attendant "Could I have a ticket for the channel tunnel?" He replied "Eurostar?"

I said, "Heh, I've been on the telly, but I'm no Dean Martin!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. The Irishman has invited the other two to his house in Ireland for a proper boys weekend.

The first night that the Englishman and Scotsman are in Ireland the Irishman takes them for a drink in his local. Just as they have started their third pint a little Leprechaun comes and sits next to them, he starts talking to them and they become quite fond of the little guy. Just as the barman calls for last orders the leprechaun invites the three men back to his house where he has something magic that could change their lives that he would like to show them. The three men decide that this would be a good thing to go and see.

They arrive at the leprechaun’s house and enter through a tiny doorway. As soon as they are in the hall they see this enormous slide, and the leprechaun tells them that this is what he wanted to show them. He informs the three men that they should slide down the slide and on their descent ask for whatever they want in life.

The Englishman goes first and on the way down he cries out for gold and he lands in a pile of it.

The Scotsman is to go second and he asks for silver and he lands in a huge pile of it.

The Irishman feeling very excited at the prospect of having whatever he wants forgets himself and on his descent he cries weeeeee.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Three pieces of string standing outside a pub. One goes in and asks for a pint, the barman says, 'Are you a piece of string?' the little guy says, 'Yes, I am' and the barman replies, 'Get out, I already told you you're barred.' So he does and tells his mates, so the second one tries his luck but gets the same response so the third

one says tie me in a knot and fray my ends. He walks into the pub and the barman immediately says, 'Are you a piece of string?' he quickly replies, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

After finally negotiating a professional contract, a striker arrives for his first match at his new Premiership club. 'I'll tell you what,' says the coach. 'As it's your first game, you can play for 45 minutes then I'll pull you off at half-time.' 'That's not bad,' the lad replies. 'I only got and orange at my old place.'

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,

'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, 'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, 'What if your dad was an idiot and your mother was a silly cow?!'

The kid smiles and says, 'I would be a bus driver!'

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer. "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A man visits his local cinema. Throughout the film, he notices that a young chap in front has brought his dog along- and what's more the hound is laughing and crying at all the relevant places. The film finishes and, gripped by curiosity, the man wanders over to the pair. "I couldn't help but notice" he says to the chap "but your dog laughed at all the funny bits and cried at all the sad bits.... its amazing! I just can’t believe it!" "I can’t believe it either,” replies the man "he hated the book"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A bloke goes into a pub in Dublin and orders 3 pints of Guinness, and drinks a sip off each glass. The barman tells him, that his method of drinking doesn't give him the best results, and asks why he drinks this way. The man says, 'me and my brothers used to come here and have a pint, but now one of 'em's in New York,

the other's in Sydney, so I buy 3 pints, and drink a sip of each, thinking of them'.

The next day, the same bloke came into the pub and ordered 2 pints; the concerned barman asked if his two brothers were OK. 'Oh yeah, their fine', he said,' I just thought I'd quit drinking'

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I keep having these bad dreams that there's 100's of naked beautiful women running towards me and I keep pushing them away all the time I push them away, so the doctor said what do you want me to do, so I said break my arms.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A woman is on a plane and the plane is about to crash. "I'm a virgin", she cries, "someone make me feel like a woman!"

So the man in front takes off all his clothes, leans over to the woman, and says... "Here. Iron these."

A guy from the gas board phones a house. A little boy answers.

Boy: - hello.

Gas man: - Hello can I speak to your mother or father please?

Boy: - No, they're busy.

Gas man: - OK. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Boy: - yes, two older brothers.

Gas man: - can I speak to one of them then please?

Boy: - No, they're busy.

Gas man: - Is there anyone else in the house?

Boy: - Yes, there's a policeman.

Gas man: - can I speak to him then please?

Boy: - No he is busy as well.

Gas man: - So what are they all doing?

Boy: - Looking for me.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The policeman surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, sir. What's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned.

Where are you from, Sam?" the policeman asked. "The balcony".

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "you've blown a seal mate" To which the Eskimo

hastily replies "No I haven', that's just frost on my moustache"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

shagging a local bitch. 'Oi!' yells the man. 'You’ve never done this before!' to which the dog replies 'Well, I've never had the money before'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Siamese twins go to the same hotel in France every year for twenty years. The hotel owner, who liked the business, but was puzzled asked - why do you keep coming back to France year after year?

One of the twins answered - its the only time my brother gets to drive

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Following a nasty car accident, a mans wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the doctor breathlessly "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched" The husband is very excited and asks what he can do "Well" says the doc "If one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too" so the husband goes alone into the room where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor waiting outside. "Excellent" he says "if she responded like that to your

finger, I think you should try oral sex" Nodding, the husband returns to the room- but within minutes the heart monitor alarm goes off and the medics pile into the room. "What happened?" shouts the doctor as he checks the woman’s pulse. "I’m not sure,” replies the man, looking sheepish......"I think she choked"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A lady walks into the kitchen where her husband is busy killing flies with the swatter "any luck?" she asks. "A bit" he replies, "I've killed three males and two females" Intrigued, she asks how he could possibly know the sex. "Easy" he responds, "three were on my beer can and the other two were on the phone"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says I'm hard, man, I'm hard! The bartender says, OK, you're hard.

Next day, the black tarmac walks into the bar again, goes up to the bartender and says, I'm hard, man, I'm hard. Bartender says, Ok, you're hard.

Next day, the black tarmac is at the bar again when in walks a piece of red tarmac. Suddenly the black tarmac disappears. The bartender finds him in the alley out back, hiding behind a bind and shaking. The bartender says to him - I thought you were hard, how come you're afraid of a bit of red tarmac? The black tarmac says, I am hard man, but he's a bloody cyclepath!

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

After a brief sex free relationship an elderly couple finally decide to marry. Before the wedding they have a long conversation about how things might change in married life, discussing finances and living arrangements, before eventually the old man enquires about doing the wild thing. "How do you feel about sex" he asks rather hopefully. "Well" thinks his partner "I'd have to say I like it infrequently" The old man pauses "I see" he says. "Just to clarify was that one word or two?"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Man in car stopped by police.

P: Sir you were doing 60mph in a 40mph zone

M: No I wasn't

P: Sir I can assure you that you were. I caught you on my radar

M: No I was not

Man's wife: Officer, don't argue with him, he's drunk almost a bottle of whisky

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes

St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same reason as for the first woman. The third woman listens to all of this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tanned and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The receptionist slowly puts down the phone. 'Yes?' he says warily. 'I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out please?' The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. 'Not bad' he smiles. 'Not bad at all'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A traffic policeman pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the lady driver. "Ma’am, why were you weaving all over the road?"

"Oh officer" the woman replies "Thank goodness you're here! I almost had a terrible accident. Swerving to avoid a tree I looked up to see another tree right in front of me, so I pulled the car over to the right and there yet again was another tree in front of me."

The copper nods then points to the thing dangling under the rear view mirror. "Ma'am", he says patiently, "That's your air freshener."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit

130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

There was once a very lonely man, who went home to his lonely house every night, ate his meal for one TV dinner and went to bed, alone. One day he decided that he would buy a pet to keep him company. So along he went to his local pet shop. He described his sad lonely existence to the shop-keeper who immediately said "I've got the perfect pet for you! He's a very special pet, doesn't take a lot of looking after and very friendly". "Excellent, I'll take it", said the man.

The shopkeeper went out to the back of the shop and came back with a very small box, "Inside this is a talking centipede", he said.

The man was delighted and intrigued; he paid for the centipede and took the little creature home.

Later that evening, he set the centipede on the kitchen table and said, "Hi there matey, I'm off to the pub for a pint, do you fancy joining me?” there was no answer from the centipede. Still the man put it down to the centipede being in a new environment, "best let him get used to his new home" the man thought.

The next day the man set the centipede on the table and asked him again if he would like to accompany him to the pub - still no answer. Still acclimatising thought the man.

The following day, the man tried again, thinking that if he still got no answer from the so-called "talking" centipede he'd take him back to the shop. So he put the centipede on the table and said, "hey there, I'm off to the pub, do you fancy coming with me?" To which the centipede replied, "I heard you the first time I was just putting my shoes on!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Two vampire bats, Boris and Fred, wake after a days sleep, really hungry. They both fly off into the night to search for food.

Fred searches everywhere for food and cannot find a thing, not even a mouse.....after a couple of hours he is really, really hungry.

He bumps into Boris whose mouth is dripping with blood. "It is so unfair", said Fred "I want to know how to do that!!!".... So Boris says, "come on the I will show you!!”

They both fly off over a graveyard, then a field and then they were soon flying over a forest.

Boris says " see that huge tree down there in the middle of the forest?" "Yes" says Fred...

"Well I didn't!!!!!!!" says Boris...

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Hopelessly lost, a businessman approaches a local in a village. 'What's the quickest way to York?' he asks. The local scratches his head. 'Are you walking or driving?' 'I'm driving' the man replies. 'Hmmm' ponders the local. 'I'd say that's definitely the quickest way'.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't

know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, you are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,

"You sign, you sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.

"You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:

"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.

Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirtfront and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:

"You not Nissan Main dealer?"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A bloke walks into his doctor's office and explains that he has a delicate problem, "Last week I noticed a small hole in the side of my cock. Didn't hurt or anything and I thought nothing of it. Now, every morning I find more and more holes. It's messy, embarrassing and I’m bloody worried about it"

The Doctor asks him to plop it on the table so he can have a look. He squints at it, looks at it from all angles and lifts it up with the end of his pen to examine all the holes.

"Hmmm. Yes, I think I can help you," he says and hands the bloke a business card, "This is a good friend of mine. Give him a call and he'll be able to help."

Relieved, the man pops his cock away and thanks the doctor "Thank you. Thank you. I was so worried. Is he a plastic surgeon?"

"Good God no. He plays the flute. He’ll show you how to hold it when you go for a piss."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

(Works best if you do the Italian accent while reading the speech)

A man goes on holiday to a small Italian village. He wants to do a bit of a tour so he hails a cab and gets in. The driver introduces himself, "ey, my friend, my name is Luigi, I will show-a you around my beautiful village"

They come to a lovely stone church up on a hill. "Ey, my friend, you see that-a church up there? I build-a that church with my bare hands, do they call me Luigi the stonemason? No!"

Soon they come to an ornate wooden fronted house. "Ey, my friend, you see that-a house there? I carve-a that house with my bare hands, do they call me Luigi the carpenter? No!"

Soon they come back to the village square where there is huge fountain in the middle. "Ey, my friend, you see that-a fountain there? I made that made that fountain with my bare hands; do they call me Luigi the sculptor? No! But you fuck one pig, just one pig....."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Man: Hi Doc, I feel like shit, what's wrong with me?

Short theatrical pause as the Doctor examines examines poorly man.

Doc: Oh my!

Man:?!

Doc: Well, I'm sorry to break this to you, but it appears you've got the lurgy!

Man: Whaa?! I want a second opinion!

Doc: Ok then, you're ugly as well.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

'Cos, it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

'cos it was holding onto the first monkeys tail

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?

'cos he thought it was a game

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.

So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f u c k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says, "You know Sara, you

have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says, "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another

100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not?

So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to

ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely s h I t my pants."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A man was at a club and another man was playing a piano, the pianist was playing a beautiful melody, when he finishes the man goes up to the pianist and says: "That was beautiful, what's it called?"

The pianist replies: "I pulled down my pants and crapped on your stomach." The man says nothing and sits down to listen to him some more.

The pianist plays another melody, which really touches him inside; when he finishes he asks him what that melody was called.

The pianist replies: "I sat on your face and made love to your legs."

Later, the pianist is leaving the club when the man catches up to him and asks him to play piano at a party he is organising that takes place next week, the pianist agrees to do it.

"Just one thing" the man says "Change the name of your songs, please." And the man says he'll think about.

The next week the party is taking place the man organised, it's just started when the pianist shows up.

The man goes up to him and says "Great, you're here, now, get on the piano and start playing, we're waiting for you."

The pianist replies: "Err, just one thing. I can't play unless I’ve masturbated." "What! *sigh*, okay, go on, 5 minutes, do your business." Says the man, after he points the pianist to the toilet;

the pianist goes in the toilet.

5 Minutes later the man knocks on the door and says.

"Oi, you've been in there for 5 minutes, are you coming out now?" The pianist unlocks the door and leaves the toilet.

His hair is ruffled up; he has shit down his shirt and spunk all over his jeans. The man says: "Jesus, you know you've got shit down your shirt and spunk all over your jeans?"

The pianist replies: "Know it, I fuckin' wrote it."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

3 builders are on top of a huge skyscraper.

The first man is English, the second Scottish and the third Welsh. It’s their lunch break and they all discuss what their wives have prepared them for lunch.

The English man opens his lunch box and tells the other 2,

"I hate jam sandwiches, and I swear if I have this again tomorrow I’ll jump off!"

After a long pause the Scottish man opens his lunch box, surprised by what his wife has given him he says,

"Nooo I’ve got marmite today, its terrible, tell u what if I have this again tomorrow

I’ll jump off too"

The Welshman opens his lunch box and discovers cheese sandwiches, his least favourite filling, not to feel left out he also agrees to the deal.

The next day arrives, and the English man opens his lunch box. He finds jam sandwiches, he promptly runs off the building.

The Scottish man then opens his lunch box, and again discovers marmite. He then jumps off.

The Welsh man then says to himself "I better not have cheese, please not cheese...." he opens his lunch box and find the dreaded cheese sandwiches. He shrugs his shoulders and runs off the building.

At the funerals the wives begin to chat. "He could have told me he didn't like those sandwiches".

"Yeah, how were we supposed to know."

The Welshman’s wife then blurts out "I don't get it, he made his own sandwiches for lunch!?!"

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Blonde Jokes

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A very attractive blonde lady boards a plane bound for America and immediately sits down in the business class area. The stewardess walks up to her and asks he if she can check her ticket. The blonde shows her the ticket, which is clearly marked economy class. The stewardess informs the lady that she must move to which the blonde replies " I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere" The stewardess informs the senior steward of the situation who then goes to speak to the blonde yet still the blonde replies "I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere". The steward does not know what to do so goes to inform the captain, the co-pilot listening to the situation says "let me deal with it sir my girlfriend is blonde" so off he goes. Everyone watches as the co pilot walks up to the lady and

whispers something inner ear, she then gets up and walks to the back of the plane and takes her seat in economy class. The captain amazed at how easily the co

pilot has resolved the situation asks the co pilot what he said. The co pilot replies, " It was quite easy really I just told her the front half of the plane doesn’t go to America..."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.

The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."

The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"

The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A blonde calls her boyfriend asking for help with a jigsaw puzzle, the boyfriend asks her what its supposed to be.

The girlfriend replies that according to the box it’s supposed to be a tiger.

The boyfriend goes over to help.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, lets have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosties back into the box".

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A blonde enters a women’s' swimming contest, and is told that they would using the breaststroke for the first round.

The blonde comes in dead last and complains to the judge: "That wasn't fair! They were all using their arms!"

**********

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.

*********

Biff gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks Biff.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Biff. "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says Biff, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over."

Buffy leads Biff into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Biff looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

**********

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to

Take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too

Hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.”

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards

Straight down the fairway.

The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this

Time take the club out of your mouth."

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.

**********

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

**********

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

A: The joystick is wet.

**********

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?

A: Pick them up off the floor.

**********

Q: Why don't blonds play Frisbee?

A: It hurts their teeth.

**********

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

**********

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

**********

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?

A: They can't find the zipper.

**********

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

A: She tried to drown it.

**********

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other

Kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids Could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the Other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank

Top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde

doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her

$500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to

SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:” He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.” A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Rude Jokes

Why does the pope wear trunks in the bath?

He doesn't like to look down on the unemployed.

Did you hear about the gay magician?

He vanished with a poof.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

Mickey Mouse has been thrown out of Disneyland. Not sure, but I heard it had something to do with Muffin the Mule.

Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

To pot the brown.

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?. Erotic, you use a feather. Kinky you use the whole chicken.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's tits, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?

A Seat Belt.

It goes in dry and it comes out wet, the longer it's in the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and starts to sag... it's a Tetley's tea-bag.

What's a monkey got in common with a chainsaw?

They both shag up trees.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

What do Tony Blair and Peter Stringfellow have in common?

They both love bush.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, playing the piano?

Clever Dick.

What's pink and hard first thing in the morning?

The Financial Times Crossword.

A woman went in to a chemist and asked if they sold extra large condoms. "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" replied the shop assistant. "No, but do you mind if I wait till somebody does?"

News flash just in... A man flashed at three old ladies sitting on a bench on

Clapham common... two had a stroke but the other couldn't reach.

What is the difference between burnt toast and a pregnant woman?

Nothing. In both cases it was taken out too late.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMT?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

When is a pixie not pixie?

When she has her head down an elf’s pants......then she's a goblin

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

What's George Michael got in common with a pair of wellies?

Both get sucked off in bogs.

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

Elton John goes into a chemist.

"Can I have some Vaseline please?" he says to the woman behind the counter. "Awww, sore lips?" says the woman.

"No dear, it's for chaps"

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?

Slobadan Micokyabic.

Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse!

I'll have to give you some cream for that.

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

**********

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You've already told her twice.

What's the difference between a buffalo in your airing cupboard and being raped by a heavyweight boxer?

One's having a bison in your towels, the other's having a Tyson in your bowels.

There were 2 prozzys sitting by the river on a sunny afternoon. "It's going to be a great night tonight I smell cock in the air." "Oh sorry that was me I burped."

What’s long, hard and full of siemen?

A Submarine.

What’s nasal sex?

Fuck nose!

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here

In Closing

Thank you for using the Hilarous Jokes e-book. I hope that you have enjoyed creating some of these wonderful recipes. I would be greatful if you could take the time to visit my website below, where you can view more great e-Books:

http://www.elpassobooks.co.uk

Search Ebay From Your Desktop! - Click Here