JOKES - 300 TO 399
300. A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it. There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.
301. There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."
302. Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
303. DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
304. A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
305. I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
306. A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset. His dog did everything for him. Washed the dishes. Bought things from the shop. The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet. Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him." The manager looks around. "We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here." The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway. Back home, the man tests the centipede out. "Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks. The centipede got to work straight away. "Go and run a bath for me". The centipede did as asked once again. The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please" The centipede does this. An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop. "I thought I told you to go to the shop?" The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"
307. An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time. The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said. The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man. Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time. The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"
308. A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount. The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street. Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard. Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!" The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".
309. Two cannibals were eating a Clown. One cannibal look at the other cannibal and said, "Does it taste funny to you?"
310. A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased. "This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop. "My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop. "But how do we know which is which?" They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea. "Lets cut off this ones tail." The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong. "You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!" "But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart." "Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"
311. A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me... I must be a god!
312. A Russian's donkey went missing. Russian was praying and thanking God. His friend saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; Why are you thanking God?" Russian: I am thanking Him because I wasn't riding the ass at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.
313. A mouse was dancing & enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant was surprised to see this and asked: Hey Buddy, Why are YOU dancing & enjoying so much? Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly: You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.
314. Ray proposes to a woman. She says “yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.” He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims ”71st and again barefeet!”
315. Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
316. Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!" Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
317. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
318. Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
319. A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."
320. A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."
321. A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
322. An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
323. A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said, "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed." "So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat ’em now?""
324. Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, just return my money to me," Kenny said. "Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it." "OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny. "Whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer. "I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny replied. "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed. "Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny. "Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer. "Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.
325. Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
326. It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"
327. Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. "Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?" The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt." Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt. Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look." "Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy." Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this." "Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?" Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!" Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"
328. There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”
329. Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
330. A blonde wins $20,000,000 from $20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crore to him after deducing tax. Angry blonde said, 'Give me $20,000,000 or else return my $20 back'! A blonde asked a flight attendant, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The flight attendant replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet." The blonde's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who will believe it? And could you tell me how wide it is?!"
331. Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.” Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
332. A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question: "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know!" "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"
333. A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
334. A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen." The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains." And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"
335. Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"
336. Question: “How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?” Answer: “1 to hold it up and 4 to turn the room around!”
337. The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we’ll solve your problem" the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor" agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I'd rather have my husband's baby!”
338. A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding. Officer: “May I see your license?” Lady: “What does it look like?” Officer: “It’s a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.” The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says, "if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
339. The doctor told a dumb blonde that if she ran 8 km. a day for 300 days, she would lose 34 kgs. At the end of 300 days, the blonde called the doctor to report she had lost the weight, but she had a problem. “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “I’m 2400 km. from home.”
340. Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They all had to go to the desert and take one thing with them. The brunette took a water bottle, the redhead took an umbrella and the blonde took a cardoor. They were walking in the desert with their objects and 3 men came up to them and said to the Brunette, “why have you got a water bottle?” The Brunette replied, ” To drink water!” They asked the redhead, “why do you have an umbrella?” She said, “Because if it gets hot I can have some shade.” Then they asked the blonde, ” Why do you have a cardoor?” She replied, ” If it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window!”
341. A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blondejokes she was constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all. The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, “Hey, I bet I know something that all of you don’t know. I know all of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb.“ The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, “Ok, what’s the capital of Texas?” The blonde smugly replied, “T.”
342. A blond and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blond and says, “Poor thing look at the dog with one eye.” The blond covers one of her eyes and says “where?”
343. Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the brunette yells, ”EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ”Ready! Aim!” Suddenly the redhead yells, ‘‘TORNADO!” Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!” and the blonde yells, ”FIRE!!!”
344. A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, not able to sleep because of the neighborsconstantly barking dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ‘I’ve had enough of this!’ She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ‘The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?’ The blonde says, ‘I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.’
345. Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying, “Disney World Left!” After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
346. A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones. The stylist replied “no” so the blonde left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. The stylist agreed. After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, “Breathe in, Breathe out”.
347. A blonde, a brunette, a moviestar, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down fast and there were only four parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped then the movie star took one and jumped and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, “There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my bag!”
348. Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs? They don’t know the route.
349. Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don’t drink!
350. How do you keep a blonde busy? You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: “Lather, rinse, and repeat.”
351. How do you confuse a blonde? You don’t. They’re born that way.
352. Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn’t wake up the Sleeping Pills.
353. A blonde is on a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. “Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!“ Ground control receive her call for help and answers back: “Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position” “I’m 5″2′ and sitting in the front”.
354. Once all the blond held a grand meeting to prove that the blonds are not stupid. They are also as smart as others. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blonds are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blond works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds he says, “Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blonds start cheering, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!” The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, Uh, I guess we can give him another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonds starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!” The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance– What is 2 plus 2?” The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blonds jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
355. A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the dancer from my bachelor party, oh my god, I know I was drunk that night, but you got pregnant too!!Please don’t tell my wife, she’ll kill me! She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, actually I’m your son’s math teacher.”
356. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.” Bartender:“What is a B and C?”. Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.” Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T .” Bartender: “What’s a G and T?” Redhead: “Gin and tonic.” Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.” Bartender: “What’s a 15?” Blonde: “7 and 7″
357. Once a blonde, a brunette and a guy were standing together. A politician came up and asked, “hey guys, what is your favorite flower?” The brunette replied, ‘Lotus.’ ‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the politician jeered. The guy replied : “Daffodil.” ‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ the politician responds. The politician asked the blonde, ‘What is your favourite flower?’ Blonde replied: ‘Cactus! and said, “now clean your ass with that!”
358. A blonde walks into an appliance store and starts to look around. She then asks the clerk,"Can I have that television set over there." The clerk looks at her and says no. This confuses her. She then asks why? The Clerk responds,"Because you are a blonde." The blonde woman walks out with an idea on how to get that television. She then returns with a wig full of red hair. She asks the clerk again for the television set. He looks at her suspiciously and replies,"No because I told you I don't sell them to blondes." She then says,"I am not a blonde I am a redhead." The clerk then said,"I know your the same women because that is no television thats a microwave."
359. A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
360. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
361. It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
362. Blonde: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean? Brunnete: I don't know. Blonde: Oh my god NOBODY KNOWS!
363. A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. ‘OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....' To which the blonde replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
364. A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. "There are no fish under the ice!!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
365. The two blonds have met and one of them says, "Yesterday, during the blackout I got stuck in a lift for three hours!" "It's nothing. I was standing on an escalator for three hours!", says other blonde.
366. I came over to my blonde friend the other day and said, "Hey look a dead bird." She looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
367. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 100, 1 to hold the lightbulb & 99 to turn the house.
368. What was the blonde thinking while she was in jail? Why I am here? All I did, was borrow that diamond ring, when the store was close!!
369. What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium? She drowned in the mexican wave.
370. Two Blonds With Hammers... Lynn and Julie were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Julie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them are defective and have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Julie got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
371. Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
372. Why does a blonde smile during a lighting storm? Because she think, that picture being taken.
373. What's the blondes idea of safe s*x? Locking the car door.
374. 17 blonds stand out side a workout room, why don't they go in? The sign says must be 18 to enter.
375. Q: Why did the blonde write her test in the aeroplane? A: Because she wanted high marks.
376. How do you know if a blonde has been in your car? The gear stick is wet.
377. How do you confuse a blonde? Put three shovels against the wall and tell her to take her pick.
378. A black man is talking to a blond white woman. "If we ever have kids, what will they look like?" The blond white women says, "They will be zebras."
379. Why did the blonde give her computer cough medicine? It had a virus.
380. Why did the blonde spray her computer with raid? It had a bug.
381. How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree? You wave.
382. Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
383. What do u call a blonde with one brain cell? Intelligent.
384. What do u call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
385. I'm a blonde and I'm pretty smart, I know because people keep on telling me, especially the pretty girl on the bathroom wall .
386. On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."
387. There is a blonde, a brunette, and a red head running from blonde police and they run down an alley. The red hides in a garbage. The brunette hides in a tree. The blonde hides in a huge sack of potatoes. The cops pass the red and she says, "Meow" and the cops thinks its a cat. The cops pass the brunette and she lightly moves the tree and the cops think its the wind. The cops pass the blonde and one of the cops steps on a potatoes the blonde says, "Mashed potatoes."
388. So there are three construction workers. One is blonde, one is brunette and one is a red head. Everyday, they sit on the top of their construction building and eat lunch. For the past 4 months, they have all gotten tuna sandwiches. One day the red head says, "That's it! Next time I get tuna sandwich, I am jumping off the roof of this building." Both the blonde and the brunette agree. The next day, they all get tuna sandwiches and they all jump off the roof. As their wives mourn at their funerals, one wife looks at the blonde's wife and says, "I cant believe they jumped off the roof just because of the tuna sandwiches we made them. I feel so bad." The blonde wife looks up and says, "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
389. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because it says right on the box, "good for up to 20 pounds."
390. How did the Blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her!
391. What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
392. WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD TOUCH THE GROUND FIRST ON TOP OF A BUILDING FIRST?-THERES A BLONDE OR A JEW. "A jew because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
393. The blonde was coming home she was on the highway. She turned on the radio and heard a man say that "blondes are stupid" So she goes down further and see's a blonde in the middle of a corn field trying to row a boat. So she stop and get out and yell to her.. "Your the blonde that gives us a bad name, if I could swim I will come out there and kick your ass"
394. A blonde phones up the fire brigade and sayes that her house is on fire. Fireman asks 'how do we get there ?' She replies 'HELLO ... IN THE BIG RED LORRY !'
395. There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
396. Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.
397. A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks: “Have you ever even taken a driving test?” “Yes, I have and many times, you idiot!”
398. Two blonde women are talking. “You know, yesterday, I cheated on
my husband.” “Did you do it for money or for love?” “For love of course, because you know $300 is not really money anymore!”
399. A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt. Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'" To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"