A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt. They decide to look and discover hes stark naked. We really ought to leave him a record of our visit, one says to the other, so giggling with delight they tie a blue ribbon round his willy before moving on. Finally the Scotsman comes round and staggers behind a bush bursting for a pee. When he sees the ribbon he smiles and says to it I don't know where or what you've been up to, but I see you've won first prize!

Two men are changing in the dressing rooms after playing a game of badminton. After showering, one of them puts on bra and pants. Heh, whats going on here? asks his mate, how long have been wearing these? Ever since my wife found them in my car, he replies.

Two young women talking over the garden wall. You know Julie, this is the last straw, said Carry. Ive had it up to here with men, they lie, cheat and are no damned good. From now on, if I want sex, Ill use a vibrator. But what if the batteries run out, what will you do then? she asked her friend. Then Ill do what I did with Harry, Ill fake an orgasm.

Two fishing pals meet up on the riverbank. Hello, Bob, says his mate. Long time no see, what've you been up to? Bob shakes his head sadly. Ive been on my honeymoon. Well, you sly old fox! You kept that quiet. I bet shes a pretty lass. No, not at all. In fact shes ugly and shes useless in bed, Bob replies mournfully. But, I don't understand. Why did you marry her then? Shes got worms.

Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money. You know, Lauren, Ive discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn't have enough money to buy a new bra so hes increased my housekeeping. You ought to try it. The following week, the two women met up for another chat and Lauren was asked if she had taken her friends advice. Oh, it was a disaster, exclaimed Lauren. We were just about to go down the bingo when I lifted my skirt and told my husband I had no knickers on because I couldn't afford to buy any. The old skinflint, he threw me a quid and told me to buy a comb. At least you can look tidy, he said.

Three female friends were walking in the country when they stumbled across a very old bottle, half hidden in the earth. On taking the stopper out, a genie appeared and told them he had the power to grant them more intelligence. The first woman, who was a plain Jane, asked for 50% more intelligence and she was turned into a world renowned surgeon. The second woman asked for 25% more intelligence and she became a teacher. The third woman who was a bit of a stunner and one for the men, replied I don't think I want any. Its good to be dumb, men will do anything for you. In fact, I think Id like to be even dumber. And on saying that, she turned into a man.

Three men go away for the weekend on a hunting trip and as they are sitting round the camp fire on the first night, they start bragging. The first said, If it hadn't been for my quick thinking, our next door neighbours would never have survived the fire. I happened to see smoke coming out of an upstairs window, so I immediately rushed into their house and dragged them all from their beds before the whole place went up. Very good, said the second man, but I foiled a daring bank raid. There I was in the bank when these armed men burst through the door and took everyone hostage. With my quick thinking, though, I managed to hide in the utilities cupboard and when all was quiet, I got out and set off the alarm. The third man said nothing. He just continued stirring the hot ashes with his penis.

Two men, who've been good friends for years, go off hiking over the Yorkshire Dales. They walk 20 miles during the morning and stop for lunch at the Travellers Rest for sandwiches and a few pints of beer. Of course, halfway through the afternoon Bob is dying for a pee and rushes into the undergrowth to relieve himself. All of a sudden Pete hears a mighty scream and rushing over, he discovers that Bob has been bitten on his todger by a rare snake. Don't worry Bob, Ill go and get help, says Pete, and he sets off for the nearest village. The doctor tells him that his mate will die unless he acts immediately. You need to suck out all the poison from the wound as soon as possible. Pete returns to Bob who's lying there in agony. What did he say asks Bob. Sorry mate, the doctor says you're going to die.