JOKES 4000 TO 4099
4000. How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing!
4001. A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah" the first girl replied, "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed, "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well" the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
4002. Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time!"
4003. Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife!"
4004. "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor" the man answered hopefully, "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes" recalled the judge., "Twenty years!"
4005. "I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds!" - Mark Twain
4006. What's a tuba for? 1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full cut). Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet!
4007. Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnipeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony!
4008. A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year!?"
4009. How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and the other to smash the old one on his forehead!
4010. Top Ten Signs: 10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon. 9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous Dixie cups. 8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables. 7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan. 6. One word: polkas. 5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls. 4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sack ful of presents. 3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.] 2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving. 1.The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
4011. A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "I sure do, warden. I would be mighty grateful if you would play 'Achy Beaky Heart' for me." "Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?" "That you kill me first!"
4012. A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "Three." "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Owl! What was that for?" asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh" says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh" says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine!"
4013. When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal. Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!" The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?!"
4014. So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, “You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Magnus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now, we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.” "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer!"
4015. How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them!
4016. Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer!
4017. What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire!
4018. What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison!
4019. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital!
4020. What's an oboe? It's an ill wind that nobody blows good!
4021. What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse on the inside!
4022. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the cellists!
4023. How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write 'pp, expressive'!
4024. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one!
4025. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first!
4026. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light!
4027. Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? It took him four hours to get the bass player out!
4028. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The piano player can do that with his left hand!
4029. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet!
4030. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zones!
4031. What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted!
4032. What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces!
4033. How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? You can almost hear them!
4034. How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? You can't!
4035. How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one!
4036 Husband, wife, and his buddy go drinking at the bar one night. After a few hours of heavy drinking wife says she's going to the truck to sleep it off. More drinking and the buddy suggests he go check on the wife. 10 minutes later with no sight of the buddy bartender suggests husband go out and check on them. Husband walks out and sees them having sex in the truck. Turns around and walks back in laughing and smirking. Bartender asks what's so funny? "That buddy of mine is so drunk he thinks he's me"
4037 My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me right now.” My eyes lit up, and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. “Thanks.” She sighed and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy but a little confused, I asked, “What was that all about?” “The egg timer is broken,” she said
4038 A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.”
4039 “Am I the first man ever to make love to you?’” he asked. “You could be,” she said. “You look kind of familiar.”
4040 A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, connect, and leave together. They get back to his apartment, and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf on the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and enormous bears on the top shelf. She is surprised that this man would have such a wonderful collection of teddy bears and is very impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him, they kiss, and then they make hot, steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man, they are lying together basking in the afterglow. She rolls over and asks, “Well, how was it for you?” He replies, “Help yourself to any prize on the bottom shelf.”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned... The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin... However, the only skin in her body that the doctor felt was suitable, would have to come from her buttocks... The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret... After all, this was a very delicate matter... After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face... He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and about his youthful beauty... One day, he was alone with his wife, and was very happy and was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice... He said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me... how can I possibly repay you?" "My darling" she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek".
Men are best cooks... Yes! He is the best cook ever... Because with two eggs, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months...
An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym "I want to impress that beautiful girl… which machine should I use?" The trainer replied: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym".
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital… while on the operating table she had a near death experience… seeing God... She asked: "Is my time up?"... God answered: "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live". Upon recovery, she decide to stay in the hospital, and have a face lift, liposuction, and tummy tuck, and hair colour… after she was released from the hospital, while crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car, and dead immediately... Arriving in front of God, she asked: "I thought you said I had another 40 years… why you didn‟t pull me from out of the path of the car?"... God replied: "I didn‟t recognize you"...
Men never listen… In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicomes, Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall"... He did what he needed to do, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch... Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR... Who would know if he touches them? He could not resist, he pushed WW, warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom... What a nice feeling, he thought... Men restroom doesn't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button, warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside… when this stopped, he pushed the PP button... A large powder puff caressed his bottom... Ah, what a tender loving place for pleasure… now he could not wait to push ATR... Next push he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him... "What happened" he asked. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button… "The ATR is an automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
Best quote of the year by a Brazilian Medicine Nobel prize winner oncologist Varella… "Today we are spending 5 times more money in medications for male virility and for female silicone than in finding a cure for Alzheimer's… in a few years, we'll have old women with bog breasts and men with hard penises, but wont remember their use!"
My Doctor… He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years, before he realized she was Chinese…
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears… his advice: don‟t answer it...
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places, he told me to stop going to those places...
A dentist was removing a tooth of a lady, he said: "Madam, you are holding my balls". She said: "I know, it's just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other!"...
Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant... So the waiter gave her the wine, and she looked at the man then decided to send a reply to him by a note… the waiter took the note and gave it to the gentleman... it read: "For me, to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants". After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return, and handed it to the waiter to give it to the lady... It read: "Just to let you know, things are not always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari, BMW, Mercedes, and a Porsche in my several garages… I have beautiful homes is Aspen and Miami, and 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana... There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account, and portfolio... But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches… just send the wine back"...
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks for a condom... "I'm going to my girlfriend for dinner; I think I may be in with a chance". He gave him the condom and as he was going out, he returns and says: "give me another one because her sister is very cute too, and she gives me signs of sex…" He gives him a second condom, and as the boy is leaving, he turns back and says: "Give me one more, because her mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me, she always makes yes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to take a move." During the dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right, and the mom facing him... When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us..." A minute later, he is still praying, keeping his head down... Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down... They all look at each other surprised, and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others... She get close to the boy and says in his ear: "I did not know you were so religious"... The boy replies: "I did not know your dad was a pharmacist".!!
Miss Fun goes into the police station and tells the police officer that her boyfriend is missing... the cop starts to fill out a report and asks Fun if she can give a description of the missing man… sure says Fun, he is thirty five, six foot tall, blond hair, blue eyes, very handsome, and well mannered and he plays the guitar and his father is very rich and generous... A friend of hers whispers in her ears: "Hey Fun, what are you talking about? Your husband is short, fat, hairy and not a boyfriend". "I know", snaps Fun, "But who wants that bullshit back?"
Francesco goes to the medical room to see doctor Azima... Hi doctor, I came home last night and found my wife in bed with my best friend... I was about to kill them both, when she said come on Francesco, we are all friends, let us have a cup of coffee together... So we all sat down and had a cup of coffee... The next day, I find her in bed with a stranger and she said the same thing, and we had a coffee together... And doctor, this happened every day this week... I see, says the doctor... but I am not therapist... I am a doctor... why you tell me this? Well, says Francesco, “I am worried... will it be bad for me... all this coffee?”
When a husband comes home unexpectedly, a French wife says: "Pierre, move over, my husband is home!" A German Wife Says: "Fritz, you are two minutes early!" An English wife: "Darling, may I introduce you Gilbert?" The Greek wife: "Hi Spyro! The back door is still open!" An Italian wife: "Mama Mia... Luigi, if you are going to shoot a-us all, shoot a yourself first…" and a Jewish wife says: "Hymie, is that you? Then who is this with me?"
Dear wife... I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you forever... I've been a good man to you... For 7 years and I have nothing to show for it... These last 2 weeks have been hell.. Your boss called me to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw... Last week, you came home and did not even notice I had a new hair cut, had cooked your favourite meal and even worse a brand new pair of silk boxers... You are in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep... You don't tell me you love me any more, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife... Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore... Whatever the case, I am gone.. Your ex-husband... P.S. Don't worry to try to find me... Your sister and I are moving to New York together... Have a great life... Dear Husband... Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter... It is true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man does not see and say what you are saying because I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to my mind was, 'you look like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I did not comment... And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago... About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning... After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Hawaii... but when I got home you were gone...
“What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I'm doing my maths homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” The mother asked... “Yes,” he answered... With great anger, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in maths?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition...” The mother replied, “Right now he is writing two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, he answered... “What I taught them was.. two plus two, the sum of which, is four...”
welcome to the 21st century…
Communication …… wireless Phones …… cordless
Education …… worthless Mistakes …… Countless
Food ……. Fatless Sweets …… Sugarless
Labor …… Effortless Relations …… Fruitless
Attitude …… Coreless Feelings …… Heartless
Politics …… Shameless Arguments …… Baseless
Youth …… Jobless Ladies …… Topless
Boss …… Brainless Jobs …… Thankless
Needs ….. Endless …. Situation …… Hopeless …
Salaries …… Less and less
What it is pragmatism? Let us read about it... The morning after the office Christmas party... the husband woke up with an agonizing hangover... "I feel terrible", he complained... "You should ", said his wife… "You really made a fool of yourself last night". "What did I do?" "You got into a quarrel with your boss and he fired you". "Well, he can go to hell!!" "That's exactly what you told him". "I did?", he said… "Then screw the old goat". "That's what I did" his wife replied "you go back to work on Monday".
Very pragmatic!!! David is dazing in his armchair in the funeral home... The phone rings and turns out that the democratic political party has booked an entire hotel in town for their conference, and that in room 213, one of their delegates has died… David throws a coffin in the back of the car and drives down town... Half an hour later, David calls the manager's office to confirm that the job is done… Yes, it's done, and that the occupant of room 312 has been removed...” "You idiot!" shouts the manager. "I said room 213! Was the man in 312 dead also?" "He said he was not!" said David calmly. "But you know what liars these politicians are."
Yes! Old man Fink is very strong too... Old man Fink and his friend Grandpa Funk are having a few drinks with their dinner... You know, says Fink, when I was thirty my erection was so strong, I could not bend it at all... even with both my hands. Funk nodes his head appreciatively... and Fink goes on… "When I reached forty, I could band it just a little bit... but only with a great deal of effort... At fifty, I could bend it a little more... And now that I am sixty… Wow! I can easily bend it in half..." The two friends keep sipping their drinks... "It is just amazing, Funk"... continue Fink... "I wonder how much stronger my hands are going to get?"