JOKES - 200 TO 299
200. Ron: “I kicked lion’s face, pulled tiger’s tail, broke cheetah’s leg and threw an elephant.” Alex: “Are you kidding? It can’t be true.” Ron: No, it’s true. Inspite of these achievements, the toy shop owner kicked me out!”
201. Tom found the answer to the most difficult question ever. What will come first, Chicken or egg? “Whatever you order first will come first!”
202. A dog was chasing Jim and he was laughing. A bystander asked, “Why are you laughing?” Jim replied, “I have an Airtel connection but still Hutch network is following me!”
203. What tablet will the crow take if it gets fever? CROcin!
204. What animal does not get scared on seeing a lion? Another lion!
205. Even though a fish knows to swim, can it swim in fish curry!?
206. Man 1: “Do you know I came face to face with a lion yesterday?” Man 2: “What happened after that?” Man 1: “It stared at me and I kept staring back.” Man 2: “Then?” Man 1: “I moved to the next cage to see the tiger!”
207. If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases!?
208. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman, "What did you do that for!?"
209. Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: “Do you believe in God?” Goldfish 2: “Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water!?”
210. Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the after tiger and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?" The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
211. An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European. The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene and they headed back to find the man eating bear. They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two. With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend. "Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male!"
212. One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry" said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you!?"
213. Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said, "I've won 15 out of 20 of my races!" The second said, "Yeah, well I've won 29 out of 30 of my races!" The third said, "Yeah, well I've won 39 out of 40 of my races!" Then, a greyhound came up and said, "Oh yeah! Well, I've won 99 out of 100 of my races!" The horses glared in amazement. "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
214. A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty dollars I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats!"
215. A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet. The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"
216. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
217. An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, "Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can't see well these days". The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
218. A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief, "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir!"
219. What has four legs and one arm? A pit-bull coming out of a playground!
220. Did you hear about the crab that went to a crustation party? He pulled a Mussel and went home!
221. A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts. He strode over to a monkey and roared, "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" "You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering. Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion. "You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear. Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion. The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away. "Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!"
222. What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats!
223. What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats!
224. A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350." "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan!"
225. This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him, the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He tells such incredible lies!"
226. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will!? What will?” “I'm making a list of the people I going to bite!"
227. Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it. Then, he said, “since that was so much fun, let's go back and eat the sailors!” To which, she exclaimed, "I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat seamen, too!"
228. A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class!"
229. A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because" said the young polar bear, “I’m fucking freezing!”
230. While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just pissed all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?" To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him!"
231. A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell or swear?" asked the preacher. "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm." "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?" "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
232. A blind man with a Seeing Eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something?" The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around!"
233. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd!
234. Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat!"
235. A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied, "I've beaten him three games out of five!"
236. The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in." Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off your dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in." Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irritated and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?" Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!"
237. A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called. "Ma, what do you think of the bird?" "The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer." "You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!" "Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven!?"
238. A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good" and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know!"
239. A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...!"
240. After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
241. Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
242. When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish doesn't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving, you lie about the one you caught. You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman, you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing!
243. Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No" Baby Bear replies, "he beats me." Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No" Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too." So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody!”
244. Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself!"
245. A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours!?"
246. A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?" "Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said. "Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks. "Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added. "Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said. "Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain."
247. A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
248. This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?" The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?" "He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions." "How about the second one?" "The second parrot costs $5,000." "What does he know?" "He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs." ”Then what is the price for the third one?” the buyer is wondering. "This one costs $20,000." "Really?” wonders the excited buyer, “What does he know?" "This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS!'"
249. Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical!
250. A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
251. Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar. Turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I got to go home and fuck the cat!"
252. A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator. The bartender says, "What do you think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment". The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "Open". The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this" he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth. He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer, the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants. He then says "Close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?" After looking around, he finally hear a drunk sitting at table say, "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long!"
253. A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with the jar of money?" "Well" the bartender says, “I’ve got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. "What's the deal now?" he asks. "Well” the bartender says, “That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. "Alright" he says, “You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!" The man said, 'I told him my privates are bigger than his.' 'O.K. but how did you make him cry?' The man replied, 'I proved it to him.'
254. A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?" "Huey" replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day" replies Huey, "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey" replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day" replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles!"
255. A Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "You know, we don't get many horses in here." To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
256. Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says, "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says, "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay." After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in. Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
257. A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig out of here!" yelled the bartender. "That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!" "I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!"
258. Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
259. How Dogs Are Better Than Men: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog 8. Dogs are easy to buy for 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
260. A guy decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then the guy realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” he said, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”
261. Carl comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Carl to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Carl goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Next week Carl finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Carl to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Carl goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. Next week Carl comes to Woolworth’s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Carl: “What the….! This is shit, you…!” and Carl calmly replies: “Yes, and I want toilet paper”.
262. Two dogs, Caesar and Tiger, and Norman were sent to the outer space. The ground control issues commands “Caesar!” “Woof!” (its the barking sound) “Press the red button.” “Woof! Woof!” “Tiger!” “Woof!” “Press the white button.” “Woof! Woof!” “Norman!” “Woof.” “Stop barking, feed the dogs and don’t touch anything!”
263. Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Tying their belts” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Checking the system” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Looking for my people” Officer: “After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Serving the travelers” Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Eating & throwing” Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading” Officer: “What were the air hostesses ?” Monkey: “Make up” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Nothing” Officer: “Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?” Monkey: “All were sleeping” Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?” Monkey: “Kissing the pilots” Officer: “What were the pilots doing?” Monkey: “Responding” Officer: “What were you doing?” Monkey: “Handling the steering !!!”
264. One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, “If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.” Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, ” if that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and i’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.” As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and i’ll shoot the bear.” Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself,” if that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and i’ll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter. However, unbeknown to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I’ll snatch the rat.” At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake. The moral of this story is: If the fly drops six inches the pussy cat will get wet.
265. There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot. One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog. The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito. The next day… Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria… What a touching love story!!!
266. A big Hunter in a party talking about his hunting career and told, “Yes I used to shoot tigers in Africa.” The listeners protested saying there are no tigers on that continent. The Hunter replied, “Of course I shot them all.”
267. A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?” The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
268. A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.
269. The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters “Well I guess that answers that riddle”.
270. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house, drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer. The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kinda slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.” The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open one.” So they decided to send the centipede and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store. An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
271. This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?” The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and some idiot had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
272. Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner! So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.” “Very good” said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?” The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.” “Impressive” said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. “How on earth did you do that?” he asked. And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?” Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”
273. Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.” They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise. “Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.“ They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.” The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!” “Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
274. An Amish lady is riding down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.” “Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.” “Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals.” Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” “He said the reflector is broken.” “I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” “I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”
275. Adam is napping on the lawns of cross-maidan, next to a donkey. A passer-by asks him, “Do you know what time it is?” Adam lifts a leg of the donkey and says, “5:00 pm”. Another passer-by asks him for time. He does the same thing again and tells him the time. All this while a curious person has been watching what is going on. He approaches Adam and asks, “How can you say the time by lifting the donkey’s leg?” Adam coolly replies, “Only if I lift the donkey’s leg, the big clock that is on the opposite side is visible to me.”
276. Once a time three friends, were on ajourney. They planned to stay in some village. They went to a house of a farmer and request him to let them spend a night at his house. The farmer said, “I have only two rooms in my house in one room me and my family sleep and in other room I kept my bull. If you people can manage in that room I will not mind. But I think there is so severe smell from bull that you can not spend a night in that room.” As those friends don’t have any other way to spend the night so they request to let them try. The farmer agreed and show them the room. First guy entered the room but at next moment he came out puting his hand on his nose, as there was very bad smell in room. Than the second one entered the room but after few minutes he also came out puting his hand on nose. Then, the third one entered the room but he did not come out but all was surprised to see that after few minutes bull came out from room shaking his head.
277. Harry and Fred both bought one horse each. They wanted to make sure that they feed their own horse each morning. So Harry asked, “how will we know which is your and which is mine?” Fred said “its easy I will cut mine’s tail and yours will be the one with tail”. Some boys outside heard it and cut the tail of other horse too. So the next morning confusion arose even more. Harry said, “don’t worry, I”ll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the bell”. The boys heard this too so they cut the bell. The next day, Harry got frustrated and said, “OKAY!!! now the last criteria will be that: White Horse will be yours and Black Horse will be mine”.
278. What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face? ...It will kick off your ladder...
279. What is red and black? A sunburnt zebra.
280. What does a cow say to bull? Are you alwaays that h orn-ny!
281. Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose. Ortoise: How does he smell? Gemma: Awful!
282. Q: Why cant you play cards in the jungle A: Because theres to many cheetahs.
283. Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow. A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.
284. Q: What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A: A milk shake.
285. Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
286. What's a crocodile's favorite shoe? A Crocs.
287. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come!
288. What goes black white black white.........? A penguin rolling down a hill! What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him!
289. Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do? .. U stop imagining...
290. Two zebras meet and begin to argue about whether they are white with black stripes or black with white stripes. The first zebra goes and asks God. God responds by saying, "You are what are." So the zebra returns and says to the other zebra we are white with black stripes. The other zebra says how do you know? What did God say? The zebra replies saying he said we are what we are. If we were black with white stripes he would have said, "You is what you is."
291. Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."
292. Q.Why was tiger looking inside the toilet. A.He was looking for Pooh!
293. Where do wild pigs go on weekends? Pignics.
294. What has four legs and an arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
295. The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!
296. Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
297. A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
298. Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip: You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia? "Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"
299. An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'