USE CHRO0ME BROWSER TO PRINT

RANDOM JOKES


1

The class is studying astronomy. The

teacher points to a photograph, and says,

Does anyone know what this is? It’s a comet.

A what?

A comet, Eddie. Don’t you know what a comet is?

No.

Don’t you know what they call a star with a tail?

Sure. Mickey Mouse.


2

The teacher is asking an arithmetic

question:

Frank, if you found three dollars in your right pocket and two dollars

in your left pocket, what would you have?

I’d have somebody else’s pants on.


3

The teacher is asking a geography

question:

Mary, where is the English Channel? I don’t know. We can’t get it on our TV.

5

The little boy had just started school.

When he returned home the first day, his mother asked,

Billy, what did you learn today? I learned to write.

Oh, what did you write?

I don’t know. I haven’t learned to read yet.


6

The psychiatrist was asking questions to

test his patient.

Do you ever hear voices without knowing who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?

Yes, sir, I do.

And when does this occur? When I answer the telephone.


7

A doctor had an urgent call.

Can you come immediately, doctor? My little son has just swallowed a fountain pen.

I’ll be there right away. What are you doing in the meantime?

Oh, I’m using a pencil.

9

A man in a restaurant said to a

stranger sitting at the next table,

Do you realize that you are reading your newspaper upside down?

Of course I realize it. Do you think it’s easy?


10

I used to snore so loud I would wake

myself up.

What did you do about it? I cured myself.

Oh? How did you do that?

Now I sleep in the next room, and I

don’t hear a thing.


11

A boy was talking to his mother.

Gee, Mom, I’m really glad you named me Albert.

Why?

Because that’s what all the kids at school call me.


12

After everyone was in bed the telephone

rang.

Is this one one one one? No, this is eleven eleven.

4

All the kids were trying to impress


A man bought a

8

parrot that could

Are you sure this isn’t one one one one?

Grandpa, who had come for a visit. Timmy boasted,

I’m first in arithmetic, Grandpa. Sally said she had come in first in the spelling bee. Grandpa asked little Billy, What are you first in, Billy?

Well, I’m the first one out the door when the bell rings.

speak five languages. He paid a

thousand dollars for it. The pet-shop owner said that he would deliver the bird that afternoon. When the proud owner got home, he asked his wife if the parrot had been delivered. She answered,

Yes, it has. Where is it?

It’s in the oven.

In the oven? But he could speak five languages!

Well, then, why didn’t he speak up?

Yes, I’m sure. This is eleven eleven. Well, I’m sorry to have gotten you up. That’s all right. I had to get up anyway.

The phone was ringing.


13

Sam, why are you standing in front

of the mirror with your eyes closed? Well, I want to see what I look like when I’m asleep.


14

Why can you never starve in a

desert? Because of the sand which is there.


135




sense within NONsense


THE JOB

A woman was being interviewed for a job. “You understand that before we can offer you a position, you must take a short test.”

“Of course,” she answered.

“Well, how much is two plus two?

“Four.”

A second applicant entered the

room. After a short interview, the

recruiter asked, “Are you ready for

the test?”

“Yes.”

“Well, how much is two plus two?”

The applicant answered, “whatever

the boss says it is.”

The second applicant got the job.



THE REBEL

A big guy walked into the crowded bar and yelled, “Is there a fellow by the name of Murphy here?”

A little fellow stood up and said, “I’m Murphy.”

The big guy grabbed him and beat him up. He cracked five of his ribs, broke his nose, and gave him two black eyes. He flung him down on the floor and stomped out.

After he had gone, the little fellow propped himself up, saying softly, “I sure made a fool of that guy. I’m not Murphy! Ha ha!”


IGNORING THE OBVIOUS Nasreddin Hodja earned his living selling eggs. One day someone came into his shop and said, “Hodja, guess what I have in my hand.”

“Give me a clue,” said the Hodja.

“I’ll give you several,” the visitor answered. “It has the shape of an egg, the size of an egg; it looks like an egg, tastes like an egg, and smells like an egg. Inside it is yellow and white. It is liquid before it is cooked

and becomes thick when heated. The last clue I’ll give you is that it was laid by a hen.”

“Aha,” said the Hodja. “I know what you’ve got. It must be some sort of cake!”



NO AMATEURS

A native king of an island in the South Pacific was giving a banquet in honor of a distinguished visitor from the West.

When it was time to say a few words in praise of his guest, the king remained seated while a professional speaker spoke glowing words about the guest and his contributions to international understanding.

After the speech, the guest started to get up from his chair to give a re- sponse, but the king gently restrained him. “Don’t get up,” he said. “I have another orator to speak on your be- half. In our kingdom, we don’t leave public speaking to amateurs.”


THE GOLDEN EAGLE

A man found an eagle’s egg and put it in the nest of a backyard hen. The ea- glet hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them.

All his life the eagle did what the backyard chickens did, thinking he was one of them. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he would

thrash his wings and fly a few feet into the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird far above. It glided majesti-

cally with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings.

The old eagle looked up in awe. “Who’s that?” he asked.

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth— we’re chickens.” So the eagle lived

and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.


These stories are adapted from Anthony de Mello 1982, The Song of the Bird. New York: Doubleday


136



Can you think of the answers to these riddles?


15

What am I? I may have the face

of a great man or a great woman.

When I am very young, I make

my first and only journey. The day

I set out, I am bright and colorful

and look my very best. I travel

from one city to another. I may

go halfway around the world to

reach my destination. This trip is

my great adventure, but within a

few days or weeks it is over. By the

time I arrive, I am no longer very

attractive. My face is smudged

with dirt and ink, and usually I

am thrown away without a second

glance. What am I?


16

What am I? I have a head, but I

do not have eyes or ears. I foam

at the mouth, but I never bite. I

roar, but I have no tongue. I lie in

a bed, but I have no back. I rise,

I fall, I rush and run, but I have

neither legs nor feet. I was born in

the mountains, but I go down to

the ocean whenever I can. I cannot

keep still for a moment. I am as

restless as can be. What am I?


17

What am I? Of all the things in

the world, I am the shortest and

the longest, the swiftest and the

slowest. I am the thing people

waste the most. Yet they need

me more than anything else, for

without me nothing can be done.

What am I?


18

I have seven letters.

The first two stand for a boy. The first three stand for a girl. The first four stand for a brave boy. But all my letters stand for a brave girl. What word am I?


19

Which is heavier, a full moon or a

half moon?

20

Which is correct, “Six and five

are thirteen” or “six and five is

thirteen”?


21

What can you never eat for

breakfast?


22

A hungry donkey was tied to a

rope eight feet long. About thirty

feet away there was a pile of fresh

carrots. The donkey wanted to eat

those carrots. How did he reach

them?


23

A barrel weighed twenty pounds.

But after a man put something in

it, the barrel weighed only fifteen

pounds. What did he put in it?


24

What can you hold in your left

hand, but not in your right hand?


Knock-knock Jokes


25

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Dewey.

Dewey who?

Do we have to go to school today?


26

Knock,knock.

Who’s there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Just an old friend here to see you.


27

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Who.

Who who?

What are you, an owl?


28

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Gopher.

Gopher who?

Go for a long walk, and don’t

come back!

29

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

What are you crying about?


Elephant Jokes


30

How do you get six elephants into

a Volkswagen?

I don’t know, how?

You put three in the front seat and

three in the back seat.


31

Why was the elephant looking

through the window?

I don’t know, why?

Because he couldn’t see through

the wall.


32

How do you talk to an elephant? I don’t know. How do you?

You use BIG words.



33

How does an elephant get out of a

telephone booth?

I don’t know. How?

The same way he got in.



34

How can you tell when an

elephant is going on vacation?

Oh, I know that one. He packs his

trunk.



35

What’s the difference between a

mailbox and an elephant’s trunk?

I don’t know.

You don’t know? I’ll never send

you out to mail a letter.






Notes on the jokes and riddles


137


1

n A what?: The inclusion of the article in this question shows that he is not asking a repetition of the whole sen- tence but only for the part that came after “a”, i.e., comet. He apparently did not recognize the word. n Don’t you... : The teacher’s questions beginning with the negative Don’t imply that the student should know the answer and that the teacher is surprised that Eddie doesn’t know. Her first question (beginning with Does) was, on the other hand, a neutral question.

2

n arithmetic question: a compound noun, a common structure in English, in which the stronger stress is on the first of the two words: arithmetic question. It means a ques- tion about arithmetic. (cf. geography question, history ques- tion, multiple-choice question, etc.) n left... right: Notice the contrastive stress on the words left and right.

n have... on = wear (I’d be wearing somebody else’s pants). Notice that this is a separable two-word (or phrasal) verb. One can say either I’d have on somebody else’s pants or I’d have somebody else’s pants on. However, if the object is a pronoun instead of a noun, the two parts of the verb must be separated: I’d have them on (not I’d have on them).

n if... : Notice the past-tense verbs (found, would) in the first and second clauses of this contrary-to-fact conditional sentence.

3

n geography question: a compound noun (see #2 above). n This joke is a play on two different meanings of channel. In actuality the stress patterns would be different. The English Channel (main stress on Channel) means the body of water between England and France. The English channel on a television set (main stress on English) would probably

be a station that provides programs in the English language.

TV is an abbreviation for television.

4

n kids: informal for children. n Grandpa: a familiar or child’s name for grandfather. In speech it is usually assimi- lated to “Grampa.” (Similarly, Grandma, or “Gramma” for grandmother.) n had come: past-perfect tense, since the time of the coming was previous to the time of the past-tense “were trying” (past of the past). n had come

in first = had won, had been the best student. Notice the past-perfect tense, since the time of the coming in first was prior to the time of the past-tense said (sequence of tenses in reported speech). n spelling bee: a contest in which individual schoolchildren have to spell aloud words that

are read to them. The winner is the child who has made no mistakes after all the other contestants have dropped out by misspelling a word.

5

n had just started: Notice the use of the past perfect had started to indicate action completed prior to the past action that the story is telling about (returned). This short dialogue includes four tenses used in typical ways; in addition to the two above, there are don’t know (present) and haven’t learned (present perfect).

6

n Notice the past progressive was asking to indicate a past action that was in progress when the joke began, (cf. jokes

#4 and #11, also the present progressive in #1, #2, and #3.)

n without knowing = and do not know.

7

n call = telephone call. n Many students today may never have seen a fountain pen, which is an “old fashioned” pen containing a reservoir of liquid ink, used before the ball- point pen (or biro) was invented. n just: Notice the use

of this word here and in #5, meaning very recently. (The recentness is relative. In #5 it means within the last day or two. In #7 it means within the last few minutes.) n I’ll be there = I’ll come (arrive) there. This expression is used often in conversation. n What are you doing... ?: The doctor means, of course, “What are you doing for the child?” The father answers as if the question were “What are you doing without the fountain pen?”

8

n parrot: a brightly colored tropical bird that can be taught to say (mimic) words and sentences. n pet-shop owner: Notice the double compound noun. A pet shop

is a shop where pets (small domestic animals) are sold.

A pet-shop owner is the owner of such a shop. n would deliver: Notice the past tense in reported speech after the past-tense introductory verb said. n that afternoon = the same afternoon (cf. He will deliver it this afternoon). n got home = arrived home. • had been delivered: Notice the past perfect in the “if” clause to indicate time prior to the past tense introductory verb asked. n Yes, it has: a typical short-answer form for Yes, it has been delivered. n could speak: Use of the past tense indicates the husband realizes the bird is no longer alive. n In the oven?: The intonation indicates surprise, perhaps disbelief and even horror. n Well, then = in that case; if that is so. n speak up = say something; not remain silent.

9

n upside down: the bottom (of the newspaper) is at the top and vice versa.

10

n so loud I...: Note that the optional introductory that (so loud that I...) has been omitted from the result clause as it often is in conversation. n wake myself up: a separable two- word verb that must be separated here because the object is a pronoun. n would: expresses habitual or repeated action


138



(like used to). n do about it = do to remedy it. n a thing =

anything.

11

n Gee: a mild expletive that may express surprise or enthu- siasm or simply be used as an introductory word. n Mom: a child’s word for Mother (also sometimes Mama or Ma or Mommy). n Why?: Why are you glad?


12

n to have gotten you up = to have caused you to rise from bed. Get up is a separable two-word verb, here separated around the object pronoun you (pronounced here, as often, with very little vowel sound before up: y’up). Notice that get up is used as an intransitive verb

(= rise from bed) in the last line of the dialogue. n Because is understood between the last two sentences (because the phone was ringing).


14

n This is a play on words: sand which is / sandwiches.


15

n set out = begin my journey. n over = finished, ended. n smudged = streaked or stained with dirt. n without a second glance = without anyone even looking at me again. n The answer: A postage stamp.


16

n Like so many riddles, this one depends on the use of words in a meaning different from the more common meaning that first comes to mind. Thus, the head of a river

is its source or spring, its mouth is its terminal point, it roars, but not through a mouth or vocal cords, etc. n still = quiet, motionless. n restless = unquiet, constantly moving. n

as... as can be = extremely. n The answer: A river.


17

n The answer: Time.


18

n have = am composed of. n stand for = represent; mean.

n The answer: Heroine.


19

n full moon: the appearance of the moon when its whole apparent disk is illuminated. n half moon: the appearance of the moon when about half of its apparent disk is illuminated. The answer: A half moon is heavier, because a full moon is lighter (more of it is illuminated). This joke depends on the two meanings of lighter: (a) more fully illuminated, (b) less in weight.


20

n Note the contrastive stress on are and is. n The answer: Neither; six and five are (or is) eleven.

22

n eight feet = a little less than three meters. n thirty feet

= a little less than ten meters. n wanted to eat: Notice the natural obscuring of the vowel in to: /t /. n reach them = go to where they were. n The answer: He just walked over to them. He was tied to a rope, but it does not say that the other end of the rope was tied to anything.


23

n barrel: a container shaped like a cylinder that bulges in the middle, made of wooden slats. n twenty pounds = about 9 kilos. n fifteen pounds = about 7 kilos. n The answer: He put holes in it.


24

n Notice the contrastive stress on left and right. n The answer: Your right elbow.

Knock-knock jokes were popular in the 1930s. They have a set pattern in which the joke teller says “Knock, knock” (as someone knocking on a door requesting admission); the responder says “Who’s there?”; the joke teller says a word or a name; the responder repeats the word followed by “Who?” (This is the form regularly used to ask for someone’s surname when only the first name has been given; e.g., “That’s Mary.” “Mary who?” “Mary Smith.”) The joke teller then adds a phrase to the word or name already given to make a sentence—a play on words, in

which the original word or phrase is changed to a different word or phrase with the same pronunciation. Like so

many jokes, especially children’s jokes, these depend on homophones—words or phrases that sound alike but have different meanings.


25

n Dewey: (1) a name, (2) a homophone for Do we.

n have to: pronounced /hæft / as is usual in conversation;

notice also to /t / and today /t de/.


26

n Justin: (1) a name; (2) a homophone for Just an. Note that the two are identical in pronunciation, including juncture.


27

n This is a variant of the usual knock-knock joke. Here the responder, following the pattern, says “Who who?”— which sounds like an owl’s call, “Hoo-hoo.” This kind of joke should be used after enough regular knock-knock jokes have been told to establish the pattern of response. (See also #29.)


28

n Gopher: (1) the name of an animal; (2) a homophone for Go for. Note that in unstressed position, for is usually pronounced /f r/.


21

n Notice the speaker’s heavy Boston Irish accent, noticeable especially in the vowel of can and the obscuring of the r at the end of never and for. n The answer: Lunch or dinner.

29

n Boo-who: a homophone for boo-hoo, the standard representation in English of the sound of crying. (Note the similarity to #27.)


139



Elephant jokes were popular in the early 1960s. Their appeal depends on a sense of nonsense, blatant lack of cleverness, absurd obviousness, or such. People looking for the usual surprise ending, play on words, etc., sometimes find them completely unfunny. Like knock-knock jokes, elephant jokes depend on a set pattern in which the second speaker plays “straight man” by asking for the answer or punch line.


30

n you: Notice unstressed pronunciation /y /. n get = put.


31

n Most speakers would not stress Why as strongly as is done here.

34

n packs = fills luggage, boxes, etc., with clothing or other objects. n trunk: (1) a large rigid piece of luggage; (2) the long nose-like part of an elephant.


35

n mailbox: a large metal receptacle for the public deposit of mail. In cities in the United States, these “boxes” are positioned, usually on street corners, about two or three blocks apart (= British postbox). n You don’t know:

The intonation indicates disbelief or, perhaps better, mock disbelief tinged with a childish contempt for the responder’s ignorance.


32

n Again, the How would not usually be stressed as strongly as this. n B-I-G is said in a B-I-I-I-G way for humorous emphasis.


33

n out: Notice the anticipatory contrastive stress. The in at the end might well be stressed a little more than it is here. n telephone booth: a small enclosed space equipped with a pay telephone, providing privacy for the telephone user

(= British telephone box).


140





ergy Words

Energy Jokes and Puns


energy are written

(by George Sholin of the California Energy Commission)

the letters has amble the letters


1. Why is wind energy so popular?

Because it has a lot of fans.

n the line below.

2. Did you hear about the foolish gardener?

He planted a light bulb and thought he would get a power plant.


3. What would a barefooted man get if he steps on an electric wire?

A pair of shocks.


4. What do you call a silly old man?

T H A fossil fool.

_ _

5. What do cars driven late at night burn for fuel?

Midnight oil.

or lighting, heating, etc.


I E

_ _







O S (2 words)

_ _







E

_





e, fuel oil, gasoline, etc.



_







V O T






More jokes and riddles

Use the audio file to present this material to the class.


141


Little Timmy was visiting his grandfather. In the morning, Grandpa decided to make a big pot of oatmeal. He put some oatmeal into a bowl for Timmy. “Do you like sugar?” Grandpa asked.

“Yes,” said Timmy. So Grandpa put sugar on the oat­ meal. “Do you like milk?”

“Yes,” said Timmy. So Grandpa put some milk on the oatmeal. “Do you like butter?

“Yes,” said Timmy.

So Grandpa put some butter on the oatmeal. Then he placed the bowl of oatmeal in front of Timmy.

“YUKK!” said Timmy. “What’s the matter? I asked

you if you like sugar, milk, and butter and you said yes, so I put them on,” said Grandpa, getting angry.

“You didn’t ask me if I like oatmeal,” said Timmy.


Several men were sitting around bragging about how smart their dogs are.

“My dog is so

smart,” said the first one, “that I can send him out to the store for eggs. He sniffs around the boxes and refuses to accept any boxes unless they are fresh.”

“My dog is so smart,” said the second man, “that he goes out

for cigars, and he always comes home with my favorite brand.”

The two men turned to a third man who had been sitting quietly. “Have you ever heard of any dog that is as smart as ours?” asked the first man.

“Well, only one dog, Mine.” “How is that?”

“My dog runs* the store where your dogs go shopping.”

*manages


He: My dog is lost.

She: Why don’t you put an ad in

the paper?

He: Silly, that won’t do any good. My dog can’t read.

“Doctor, when my hands are out of the casts,* will I be able to play the piano?”

“Yes, Mrs. Jones.”

“Oh goody. I could never play before!”

* molds used to set broken limbs


“Waiter, is this apple pie or peach pie? It tastes like glue!”

“Well then, sir, it’s peach pie. Our apple pie tastes like cardboard.”

Teacher: Can you tell me how fast light travels?

Student: No, but I know that it gets here too early in the morning.

Teacher: Is there any word in the

English language that contains

all the vowels?

Student: Unquestionably.


“I’ve invented a computer that is almost human.”

“How is that?”

“When it makes a mistake it blames another computer.”

A very large lady finished her dinner in a restaurant and asked for dessert. “I’d like

a banana split, with three scoops of ice cream, hot chocolate sauce, walnuts, and whipped cream.”

“Very good, Madame,” said the waiter. “Would you like a cherry on top?”

“Heavens, no! I’m on a diet!”


Two boys were on a bicycle­built­ for­two. They had a very hard time

going up a steep hill, but they finally got to the top.

“Whew,” said the first boy. “I

didn’t think we’d ever make it.” “Well, I helped,” said the

second boy. “I kept the brakes on so we wouldn’t roll back down.” Student: I don’t think that I deserved a zero on this paper. Teacher: Neither do I, but it’s the lowest grade I can give.


Teacher: Jerry, give me the formula for water.

Jerry: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. Teacher: What kind of a crazy answer is that?

Jerry: You told us water was H

to O.

A boy was carrying a box and he met his friend. “Guess how many chickens I have in this box, and I’ll give you both of them,” he said.


What is that you can’t see but is always before you?


Why is “two plus two equals five”

like your left foot?


If you threw a gray rock into the sea, what would it become?

Why are you tired on April 1? What belongs to you but it used

by other people?


What comes down but never goes up?


What question can’t be answered by yes?


What is the end of everything?


142



Time for a smile













1. One night a man came upon a boy looking for something under a streetlight. The man asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said that he had lost his watch. Since it was obviously not there, the man asked the boy if he was sure that he had lost his watch in that spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch at another place, farther down the street. The man then asked the boy why he was looking for the watch under the streetlight. The boy replied, “Well, sir, the light is much better here.”

2. A man was carrying a grandfather clock through the streets of the city. He was obviously doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally, another man came up to him and asked, “Pardon me, it’s none of my business, but don’t you think a wristwatch would be far simpler?”

3. As I was walking along a street in a small town a man came up to me and asked, “What time is it?” I looked at my watch and answered, “It’s five o’clock.” “I must be going crazy,” said the man. “All day long I keep getting different answers.”

4. The policeman rang the doorbell, not knowing quite how he was going to break the news. The door opened and a woman stood there gazing anxiously into the policeman’s eyes. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your husband’s new watch is broken.” “Broken?” she said. “How did it happen?” The policeman replied, “A piano fell on him.”

5. What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

6. Fill in the blanks with the correct word, each containing the same four letters.



A TIMELY VERSE A clock is an _ _ _ _

That’s used to tell _ _ _ _



(Though I’m a _ _ _ _ embarrassed



To _ _ _ _ such a rhyme.)


143




p u z z l e r s


jug of water—

A soldier is stranded in a desert with no water and comes across a native boy who has half a jug. The boy says, “You can have the water on three conditions; 1) You do not take the cork out of the jug; 2) you do not make a hole in the cork; and 3) you do not break the jug or put a hole in it in any way.” The soldier then proceeds to drink the water. How?


the missionary—

A Missionary visits an island where two tribes live. One tribe’s members always tell the truth. The members of the other tribe always lie. The truth-tellers live on the western side of the island, and the liars live on the eastern side. The missionary’s problem is to determine the truth by asking one native only one question.

The missionary, seeing a native walk- ing in the distance, tells a nearby native: “Go ask that native in the distance which side of the island he lives on.” When the messenger returns he answers, “He says he lives on the western side.”

Is the messenger a truth-teller or a liar? How can you be sure?

plane crash—

A plane is flying from Madrid to Paris. Just over the Pyrenees it falls down and crashes on the border between Spain and France. Where would you bury the sur- vivors? In France or in Spain? Why?


the ark—

How many pairs of animals did Moses take with him into the Ark?


the apple—

Is there anything else worse than finding a worm while eating an apple? Why?


the ice cream soda—

Six kids went to the ice cream parlor. They sat in a booth, three on each side of the table. They ordered six different things. Paul sat next to Lucy. Lucy sat op- posite the boy who sat next to Karen. Don ordered cola and sat across from Peggy. The boy who had the milkshake sat across from Karen. The girl who ordered sherbet sat between Don and Stan. Stan didn’t or- der a sundae or a banana split. The girl who ordered the sundae sat across from Don, and the girl who sat next to Paul had a banana split. Who had the ice cream soda?

the photograph—

A man was looking at a photograph and somebody asked him, “Who is the one in the photo?” He answered, “1 have no brothers or sisters, but this man’s father is my father’s son.” (By “this man’s father”, he meant the father of the man in the photograph ). Who was the one in the photograph?


grammar—

How much grammar do you know? A lot? Let’s see. Must we say “ the yolk is white” or “the yolks are white”?


the chicken, fox, and seed—

A farmer is going to market and on the way to the market he has to cross a river. The farmer is carrying a fox, a chicken, and a bag of seed. The boat he has to use will only transport himself and one of the three. The farmer has a problem, he can’t leave the fox with the chicken because the fox will eat the chicken and he can’t leave the chicken with the seed because the chicken will eat the seed. In what order can the farmer cross the river to get all the items across?

Excerpts from an article by

Ricardo S. Martin Vadillo, Alcala la Real, Spain.


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Joke time








1. Although the little boy was only three years old, he already knew the alphabet. His proud parents were showing off his accomplishment to a friend.

“My, you’re a smart young man,” said the visitor. “And what is the first letter?” “A,” said the little boy.

“That’s right,” said the visitor, “and what comes after A?”

“All the rest of them” said the little boy.


2. The teacher gave the little boy a tough problem. “Now,” she said, “if your father gave you ten cents and your mother gave you twelve, and your uncle gave you six more, what would you have?”

The little boy immediately slipped into deep thought.

“Come on,” said the teacher, “certainly you can figure out a simple little problem like that.” “It isn’t a simple problem,” the boy said. “I can’t decide whether I’d have an ice-cream cone or a hamburger.”


3. “How do you spell ‘extravagance,’ the teacher asked the little boy.” “E-x-t-r-a-v-u-g-a-n-c-e,” he answered.

“No,” she said. “The dictionary spells it e-x-t-r-a-v-a-g-a-n-c-e.”

“But you asked me how I spell it,” said the boy.


4. A modern artist was showing off his work. He pointed to a blank canvas and said, “That is a cow grazing.”

“Where is the grass?” the visitor asked. “The cow has eaten it,” the artist said.

“Well, then, where is the cow?” the visitor wanted to know.

“You don’t suppose,” said the artist, “that she’d stay there after she’d eaten all the grass, do you?”


5. The summer visitor asked the farmer, “What happened to the other windmill that was here last year?”

“There was only enough wind for one,” said the farmer, “so we took it down.”


6. Little Susie, her parent’s first child, didn’t begin to talk until she was four years old. The first time she spoke was at the breakfast table, when she said, “This cereal has lumps in it.”

Her parents were astounded. They asked her why she had never said anything before. The child replied, “Until now, everything has been O.K.”


7. A couple of country boys rented a boat and went fishing. In a remote part of the lake they found a spot where the fish were really biting.

“We’d better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow,” one of them said. “O.K., I’ll do it,” the second one said.

When they got back to the dock, the first one asked, “Did you mark that spot?” “Sure,” said the second. “I put a chalk mark on the side of the boat.”

“You nitwit,” said the first. “How do you know we’ll get the same boat tomorrow?”


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8. The students in the composition class were assigned the task of writing an essay on “the most beautiful thing I ever saw.” The student who, of all the members of the class, seemed the least sensitive to beauty, handed in his paper first, with astonishing speed. It was short and to the point. He had written: “The most beautiful thing I ever saw was too beautiful for words.”


9. The lion was stalking through the jungle looking for trouble. He grabbed a passing tiger and asked, “Who is the king of the jungle?”

“You are, O mighty lion,” answered the tiger.

The lion then grabbed a bear and asked, “Who is boss of the jungle?” “You, O mighty lion,” answered the bear.

Next the lion met an elephant and asked, “Who is boss of the jungle?”

The elephant grabbed him with his trunk, whirled him around and threw him up against a tree, leaving him bleeding and broken.

The lion got up feebly and said, “Just because you don’t know the answer is no reason for you to get so rough.”


10. A lady had hired an artist to paint her portrait. “Will it be pretty?” she asked.

“Of course,” said the artist. “You won’t know yourself.”


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Brain teasers

1. How can you throw a tennis ball with all your strength and, without it hitting a wall or other obstruction, have it stop and come right back to you?


(Throw it straight up in the air.)


2. How close a relative would the sister-in-law of your father’s only brother be?


(Very close; it would be your mother.)


3. It takes 4 1/2 hours for a jet plane to fly between the east and west coasts of the United States.

One plane leaves Los Angeles for New York at 4:40 o’clock, while another plane leaves New York for Los Angeles at 6 o’clock. Which plane will be closer to New York when they pass each other?


(When they pass each other they will both be the same distance from New York.)


4. A rope ladder is hanging over the side of a ship. The ladder is twelve feet long, and the rungs on the ladder are one foot apart. The lowest rung is resting on the top of the ocean. The tide rises four inches an hour. How long would it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are under water?


(They will never be under water since the ship and the ladder both rise with the tide.)


5. There are ten black stockings and ten white stockings in a drawer. If you reach into the drawer in the dark, what is the least number of stockings you must take out before you are sure you have a pair that matches?


(Three)


6. Give a letter of the alphabet that, when you say it, sounds like the name of each of the following:


a. a part of the body b. a body of water

c. a drink

d. an insect

e. a pronoun f. a vegetable

g. an exclamation h. a hint

i. a blue bird



(a. I, eye; b. C, sea; c. T, tea; d. B, bee; e. U, you; f. P, pea; g. O, Oh; h. Q, cue; i. J, jay)


147



7. What is it that occurs once in a second, once in a month, once in a century, yet not at all in an hour, or a week or a year?


(the letter N)


8. Five automobiles were lined up bumper to bumper. How many bumpers were actually touching each other?


(eight)


9. How many parts of the human body can you name that have only three letters? (there are ten)


(eye, ear, rib, jaw, toe, lip, arm, leg, hip, gum)


10. How far do you have to count before using the letter A in spelling a number? (one thousand)


11. Name as many articles as you can think of that start with the letter S that are worn on the feet.


(shoes, socks, stockings, sandals, skis, slippers, skates, sneakers, snowshoes)


12. What continent do you see when you look in the mirror in the morning?


(Europe — You see you’re up.)


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Can you guess these?


See if you can figure out the answers to the following questions.

The questions are designed to be tricky, so think before you answer.



1. How can you stand behind someone while he or she stands behind you?


2. Bob’s mother had three children. One was named April. One was named May. What was the third child named?


3. What has four fingers and a thumb but isn’t a hand?


4. What’s white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?


5. What gets higher as it falls?


6. What do you give a bald rabbit?


7. How do you make a slow horse fast?


8. Where do you find a square ring?






Silly questions

1. What is found in the very center of both America and Australia?


(the letter R.)


2. What relatives are dependent on you?


(your aUnts, Uncles, and coUsins. (They all need U.)


3. Why is the letter T like an island?


(Because it is in waTer.)


4. What part of London is in France?


(the letter N.)


5. Which is the loudest vowel?


(I. It’s always in the midst of noIse.)


6. What is it that no man ever yet did see, which never was, but always will be?


(Tomorrow.)


7. You saw me where I never was, And where I could not be;

And yet within that very place, My face you often see.

(Your reflection in the mirror.)


149


8. What is it that has a face, but no head; hands, but not feet; yet travels everywhere and is usually running?


(A clock.)


9. How many birthdays does the average person have?


(Only one.)


10. Nine crows sat on a limb of a tree. Farmer Jones shot three of them. How many crows remained?

(None, the surviving crows flew away.)


150



Rhyming words

The answers to these riddles are two words (an adjective and a noun) that rhyme. Example: What is an overweight rodent? answer: A fat rat!

1. What is a beautiful cat?


2. What is an unusual seat?


3. What is a comical rabbit?


4. What is an angry boy?


5. What is an irritated employer?


6. What is a bashful insect?


7. What is a large hog?


8. What is an uncontrollable boy or girl?


9. What is a joyful father?


10. What is a noisy group of people?






Riddle rattle


(Don’t let riDDles rattle you!)


I. The first two lines of each riddle serve as a definition for a specific four-letter word.


151

Rearrange the letters of that word to get a new word, which is defined by the last two lines.


a. Something that shines in the sky at night

Changes to rodents that gnaw and bite.


b. A fruit that’s green and often sour

Becomes a distance you walk in an hour.


c. Something that frogs do very well

Can be the sound of a ringing bell.


d. An animal that eats a paper or can

Becomes the cloak of a Roman man.


II. Teachers should write the problem sentences on the blackboard to let the students find the solution.


a. By inserting the same letter 16 times in appropriate places, this jumble of letters will be transformed into a sentence of some sense:


VRY VNING RNST ARND IGHTN CNTS XCDINGLY ASILY.


b. Their is four errors in this sentance. Can you find them?


152


Riddle metaphors

1. In the night a mountain, in the morning a meadow. What is it?


2. The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?


3. What can you cut with a knife and never see a mark?


4. What is the best eavesdropper?


5. What asks no questions but receives a lot of answers?


6. What gets wetter the more it dries?


7. What grows bigger the more you take from it?


8. I saw a nutcracker up in a tree. What was it?


9. What goes up but never comes down?


10. If you feed it, it will live. If you give it water, it will die. What is it?


153






riddles 1. Why should bowling alleys be quiet?

2. What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?


3. What is the coldest row in the theater?


4. Why do snowflakes dance?


5. What flower comes up with the dawn?


6. Seven is an odd number. How can it be made even?


7. When are the roads unpleasant?


8. What kind of house weighs the least?


9. What kind of cans may be found on the floor of the United States


Congress?












n Bill rode his bicycle 300 kilometers.Three tires were used equally in accumulating this distance.


How many kilometers of wear did each tire sustain?



n A railway track runs parallel to a road until a

bend brings the road to a level crossing. A cyclist

rides along to work along the same road every day at a constant speed of 12 miles per hour.

He normally meets a train that travels in the same direction at the crossing.

One day he was late by 25 minutes and met

the train 6 miles ahead of the level crossing. Can you figure out the speed of the train?



One gay guy decides to have a tattoo done. On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Frank Bruno. "Oh he's my favorite darling.... can you do him on the cheek of my ass??" he asked the tattoo artist. So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson. "Oh good lord " the gay guy blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can you do him on my other cheek please, lovey?" So it was done. On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants to reveal his new art work; on which the boyfriend returned in fright, " Oh I'm not getting in the ring with those two!"


An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. "Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied!!!


While driving down the highway, a guy says to the girlfriend, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points a shoe and says, "Cover your crotch and get help from that gas station down the road." She covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!"


A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.This big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice, the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!"


Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe!

How do you get a Sweet Little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another Sweet Little 80- year-old lady to yell BINGO !

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? The northern fairytale begins.... Once upon a time.... The southern fairytale begins... Y'all ain't gonna believe this

The times have changed! years ago.., When 100 white men chased "1" Black man, We called it the Ku Klux Klan. Today they call it the P.G.A. TOUR

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

10) I got a gun for my wife best trade I ever made

11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

16) My kid had sex with your honor student.

17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.

18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

28) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

29) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed yourself.

30) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

31) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

32) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

33) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

34) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I’ll never forget finding my first grey pubic hair. I wouldn’t have minded, only it was in a kebab.


An elderly man goes to see his doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in reasonably good condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?” The man says, “No problem, me and God, we’re good. He takes care of me, you know.” “Really? How’s that?” says the doctor. “Every night when I have to get up to go to the toilet, he turns on the light for me and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.” Upon hearing this, the doctor is slightly baffed and calls the old man’s wife. “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?” She replies: “The old fool, he’s been pissing in the fridge again.”


Two old gentlemen in their eighties are sitting by the sea front at Blackpool, staring out to sea. After a couple of hours one says “You know what I fancy?” “No, what?” says his friend. “One of those ice creams with hundreds and thousands and a fake.” The other says: “Wait there, I’ll go and get two.” Four hours later, he returns, sits down and hands the other a paper bag. He puts in his hand and pulls out a saveloy. “What this?” he asks. “A steak and kidney pie.” “You useless old fool. You forgot the gravy.”


What’s got 100 balls and fucks old ladies? Bingo.


One morning an elderly man was out playing golf, when he hit his ball into the deep rough. While searching for the ball he came across a frog. The frog looked up at him and said: “Sir, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” So the old man bent down, picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and carried on looking for his ball. A few minutes later a voice from his pocket shouted, “Oi! I don’t think you heard me. I said, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” The old man replied, “No thanks. Frankly at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”


An old couple are at the doctor’s. The doctor says to the old man, “I need a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” The doctor repeats: “I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample.” Once again, the old man says, “What?” So the doctor yells: “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” The old woman turns to her husband and says, “Bert, he wants your underpants.”


Two old women are sitting in a cafe. One says to the other: “Did you come on the bus?” “Yes,” replies her friend. “But I made it look like an asthima attack.”


What does an eighty-year-old woman have between her legs that a young woman doesn’t? Her tits.


How do you know when you’re getting old? Your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.


I was standing at a cashpoint machine when a frail old lady came up to and asked if I wouldn’t mind checking her balance. So I pushed her over.


An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.


What’s blue and screws old ladies? Hypothermia.


What stinks and smells of dog food? A pensioner’s fart.


A man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in amazing shape for a sixty-year-old.” The man replied testily, “Did I say anything about being sixty? Actually I’m seventy-fve.” “That’s amazing!” replied the doctor. “Do you mind me asking, by the way, how old was your father when he died?” The patient responded, “Hmmm! Did I say he was dead?” The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?” The patient replied, “Well, he is ninetyfive years old and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer.” The doctor couldn’t believe it. “I’m sorry . . . how old was your grandfather when he died?” The patient snapped back, “Did I say he was dead?” The doctor was astonished. “You mean to tell me you are seventy-five years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?” The patient said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 112 years old, and next week he is getting married again.” The doctor said, “At 112, why in God’s name would your grandfather want to get married?” The patient glared at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”


Two old women were eating breakfast one morning. One noticed something funny sticking out her friend’s ear. “Minnie, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Minnie answered, “I do? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it for a while. “Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”


Statistically, 91 per cent of old people believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Stupid old fuckwits!


Ninety-year-old Ethel was clinically depressed over the recent death of her husband, Frank. She was so despondent that she decided that she didn’t want to go on: she would just kill herself and join him in death. So she took out Frank’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Fearing that she might just miss the vital organ and become a debilitating burden on someone else, she called the NHS helpline to enquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The voice on the other end said, “Your heart is just below your left breast.” Later that night, poor Ethel was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


What game do policemen’s children play? Pin the rape on the darkie.


What’s the definition of “police intelligence”? An excuse to raid the wrong house.


How many metropolitan police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell.


A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The man pokes his head out of the window and says, “What seems to be the problem, officer?” The policeman looks him in the eye and says, “Are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about two miles back?” “Thank fuck for that!” says the driver. “I thought I had gone deaf.”


What’s the difference between a woman and a mobile speed camera? Generally, as far as a woman is concerned, you can see the cunt behind the bush.


A man is pulled over by the police for speeding. As the police officer is writing up the ticket, the man asks, “Can you arrest me for calling you something really abusive?” “Yes,” replies the officer. He then asks, “Can you arrest me for thinking something?” “Of course not,” replies the officer. “In that case,” says the man, “I think you’re a cunt.”


I was driving home from the pub one night when I was stopped by a policewoman. She walked over to my car, leaned in the window and said, “Have we had a drink, sir?” I replied, “Nope . . . but I might have shagged you at a party . . .”


What’s the difference between paedophiles and politicians? Politicians don’t keep pictures of the little people they fuck.


What do politicians use for birth control? Their personalities.


A man gets stuck in traffic near Parliament. He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told: “The prime minister is so depressed about the UK’s debt that he’s stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight.” “What are you going to do?” asks the man. “We’re putting together a collection for him,” says the officer. “How much have you got?” asks the man. “About forty gallons,” says the officer.


When politicians die, why are they buried in a hole thirty-six feet deep? Because deep down, they are all nice people.


What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.


What’s the difference between an MP and a bucket of dirt? The bucket.


A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Dad, what is politics?” His dad replies, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she takes care of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has filled his nappy, he goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand politics now.” The father says, “Well done, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”

A politician dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, St Peter takes one look at him and says, “Sorry, no politicians allowed in Heaven.” The MP pleads that he’s a good bloke who’s done lots of good work. “Oh yeah? Like what, for example?” asks St Peter. The MP says, “Why, just last week I gave £20 to Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged and £50 to Comic Relief.” St Peter thinks for a while then says, “Wait here.” He goes inside for a while, then comes back. “Sorry mate, I’ve had a word with God. He says, ‘Here’s your £100 back, now fuck off!’”


What was Princess Di’s favourite cocktail? A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.


Why did Princess Diana have a Mercedes? She wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda.


Why did Elton John sing at Princess Diana’s funeral? Because he was the only queen that gave a fuck.


What’s the difference between Princess Diana and a beautiful bed of flowers? Approximately six feet.


Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn’t wearing her seat belt.


What’s the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes? BMW doesn’t get any royalties.


What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both were laid by Arabs.


What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.


How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.


Did you know that Princess Di was on the phone when she crashed? She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the gearstick and the headrests.


What would Princess Diana be doing now if she was still alive? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.


What is the Queen getting Fergie for Christmas? A black Mercedes and a trip to Paris.


What do you give the princess who has everything? A seatbelt and an airbag.


What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking? She hit the roof.


Why was Diana like a mobile phone? They both die in tunnels.


What’s the one word that could have saved Princess Diana’s life? “Taxi!”


Microsoft has announced that its new operating system is to be known, prior to launch, as “Diana, Princess of Windows”. A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late ex-royal. It is also appropriate because the product will look flashy, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and will crash spectacularly.


St Peter meets Mother Theresa at the pearly gates and says, “You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.” Later on Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven feeling quite pleased about her lovely new halo, when she sees Princess Diana wearing a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa immediately goes back to St Peter to complain. “St Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Diana did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. She was a vain self-obsessed attention seeker. Why does she have a bigger halo?” St Peter replies, “That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel.”


What does Prince Philip’s bumper sticker say? “I brake for paparazzi!”


A lucky guy had three girlfriends on the go but wasn’t sure which one to settle down with. So he decided to give each one £500 to see how they spent it. The first girlfriend went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought herself clothes, a new hairdo, manicure and pedicure. When she came back she told him, “I spent the money so I could look gorgeous for you because I love you so much.” He was very touched and quite aroused and they had lots of great sex. The second girlfriend went out and bought him a new fat-screen TV. “I bought this gift for you with the money you gave me because I love you so much,” she said. He loved his new telly! The third girlfriend took his £500 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, gave him the original £500 back and reinvested the rest. She told him, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” She made enough money to buy him a new car. After thinking long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.


Two guys and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.” The second guy says, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.” They then asked the woman, “What are you?” She replies: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”


I used to think I was the world’s greatest lover, until I found out that my girlfriend had asthima.


I met this girl in a bar and I said to her: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.” She replied: “If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.” I said: “That works for me, as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.”


What’s the funniest thing about one-night stands? Leaving a note on the fridge telling them you have AIDS.


“My girlfriend dumped me just before she got run over. I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type. Now she knows what rejection feels like.”


I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I was quite upset. My mum reassured me, “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.” I replied, “Yes I know, but it isn’t just the smell I miss.”


Why do men hold hands with their girlfriends in public? If they let go then the bitch might start shopping.


I met this girl last night and she was a right ugly cow. I said to her “What’s your name?” “Wednesday,” she replied. “That’s a very unusual name,” I said. “She said, “Yes. Apparently when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, ‘I think we’d better call it a day.’”


Why is sex like paintballing? Because you play hard for thirty minutes and when it’s over you’re all hot and sweaty and glad that you’re not the one taking a shot to the face.


How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid? When you open her legs a light comes on.


When I was fourteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend. When I was sixteen, I finally dated a girl, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I got to date this really passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was a drama and she cried all the time and threatened to kill herself. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very nice, quite stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. My life was so dull and predictable that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did crazy, impetuous things and flirted with all my mates. She made me miserable more times than she made me happy. She was great fun at first and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found this smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. Unfortunately she was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a bird with big tits.

An old man in a nursing home walks up to a little old lady and says, “Guess how old I am!” She unzips his fly, puts her hand inside his pants, then rummages around for a couple of minutes. “You’re 82!” He says, “That’s amazing! How do you know?” She replies, “You told me yesterday.”


A group of old people were talking at the breakfast table in a nursing home. “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. “Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee,” replied another. “I can’t turn my head because of arthritis in my neck,” said a third, at which the rest nodded weakly. “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another added. “That’s nothing,” said another old man, “I’ve had two triple-bypass operations, a hip replacement and new knees. I’ve battled prostate cancer and have diabetes. I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take twenty different medications for my blood pressure that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I also have episodes of dementia and my circulation is so poor that I can no longer feel my hands or my feet. To be honest, I can’t remember if I’m eighty-fve or ninety-two.” “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement. Then there was a short moment of silence. “Well, it could be worse,” said one old woman. “Thank God we all still have our driver’s licenses.”


One evening a family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home. The next morning the nurses bathed her, fed her a good breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely fower garden. She appeared to be perfectly okay, but after a while she slowly started to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed to be okay for a while, but after a couple of minutes she started to tilt to the other side. Again, the nurses rushed back and brought her upright. This went on all morning. Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So, mum, how is it here? Are they treating you well?” they asked. “It’s not bad,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”


Three old men were sitting in a retirement home chewing the fat. “I hate being in my seventies,” said the first. “You always feel like you want to piss and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.” “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the second. “When you’re in your eighties, you don’t have a proper bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.” “No, being in your nineties is the worst age of all,” said the third. “Do you have trouble pissing as well then?” asked the first old man. “No, not really, I have a piss every morning at 6 a.m. I piss like a racehorse, no problem at all.” “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?” “No, I have a shit every morning at 6:30 precisely.” At this, the second old man said: “Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6 a.m. and shit every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so bad about being in your nineties?” “I don’t wake up until 7 a.m.”

An old married couple were playing cards in the nursing home, as they had done every afternoon for several years. The old lady suddenly looks up and says, “I’m sorry darling. I know we’ve been married for many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind . . . would you please tell me your name again?” There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then her husband responds, “How soon do you need to know?”


An old woman walks into the recreation room at the retirement home, holds her clenched fst in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!” An elderly gentleman at the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” She thinks for a minute and says, “Close enough.”


Two old men sitting in a retirement home. “I’m full of aches and pains today, Ted. How do you feel?” His friend replies: “Like a newborn baby, Alf.” “Really?” says Ted. “Yes,” says Ted. “Hairless, toothless and I’ve just shat myself.”


They said that my grandad was “like a fish out of water” when he moved into the old people’s home. In other words, he was dead.


An elderly couple were sitting in an old folks’ home watching the TV. All of a sudden the old man reaches over and punches his wife in the face. “What was that for?!” she exclaims angrily. “Forty years of crap sex!” her husband replies. She remains silent and they continue watching the TV. A couple of minutes later, the old lady gets up and kicks her husband in the balls. “Bloody hell,” he moans, writhing on the foor. “What was that for?” She replies, “That’s for knowing the difference!”


I once got a gig as a stand-up comedian in an old people’s home. They were a superb audience. When I say superb audience, none of them got my jokes but they still wet themselves.


An old lady in a nursing home was trundling up and down the corridor on her Zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her. “You do realize you were speeding just then? Could I have your driving licence?” he says. She hands over her library card. He studies it carefully and hands it back with a raffe ticket. “Here’s a speeding ticket,” the old man tells her. “Be on your way, and drive more slowly this time.” A couple of hours later the same old woman is doing the same journey when the ex-copper once again jumps out in front of her. “That U-turn you did just then was illegal, can I see your driving licence?” Once again she hands over her library card; he checks it and sends her on her way. Several minutes pass and she is coming down the corridor again. The old man jumps out of his room stark naked, nursing a wrinkly erection. The old lady says: “Oh no, not the breathalyser again!”


Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down. “Pull yourself together, man,” he says. “At least you haven’t gone through the windscreen like your passenger.” He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road. The driver replied: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth.”


A coach full of handicapped people has crashed in the Lake District. Rescue workers say it will be days before they can pull the coach from the wreckage.


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a used dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen, causing the car to veer off the road into a ditch. Fortunately the occupants escape the accident unscathed. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, that was an insect.” Her son replies, “Funny. I’m amazed it could get off the ground with a cock as big as that.”


I’m completely exhausted. I shagged this beautiful girl last night but it turned out she was a schizophrenic. I wasn’t allowed to stop until I brought both of them to orgasm.


Did you hear about the schizophrenic who threatened to kill himself?The police treated it as a hostage situation.


I had a threesome the other night. I say threesome: actually, I fucked a schizophrenic.


Why are schizophrenics afraid to shave? They don’t trust that cunt with the razor.


Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called prayer, but when God talks to you, it’s called schizophrenia?


What’s the best thing about schizophrenia? It turns a wank into an orgy.


My doctor has diagnosed me as a paranoid schizophrenic. We think he’s out to get us.


If I had a choice of mental illnesses, I would choose to be a schizophrenic kleptomaniac. After all, you can always take something for it.


I got a ticket to see the Special Olympics. I am really looking forward to the schizophrenic boxing.


What is ten inches long, two inches thick and starts with a P? A good shit.


Two flies were sitting on a turd when one of them farted. “Please . . .” said the other. “I’m trying to eat here.”


Two flies are sitting on a turd. One turns to the other and says, “I haven’t seen you around in a while. Where have you been ?” The other fly replies, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been on the sick.”


Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for female flies. One of them sees a hottie sitting on a cowpat so he buzzes down and sidles up next to her. “Excuse me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “is this stool taken?”


A little boy says to his dad one day: “Dad, where does poo come from?” The father is a little taken aback that his five-year-old son is already asking difficult questions and thinks for a while how to respond. “Well, you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the boy. “Well, when you put food into your mouth you chew and swallow. The food then gets smaller and smaller and goes down in your oesophagus, a long tube that goes down into your tummy. Your tummy then mixes up the food and liquid with the digestive juices produced by your tummy. The digestive juices help to break down the food so the body can process it properly. Then the food comes out of your tummy and goes into your small intestine. The walls of your small intestine are filled with little hairs or fingers that stick out, called villi. The villi take the nutrients from the food into the entire body. After it leaves the small intestine, it travels into the large intestine. The only stuff that’s left over when it goes into the large intestine is waste. The waste then comes out of your bottom when you go to the loo, and that is poo.” The little boy stares at his dad in stunned silence for a few seconds, then asks: “And tigger?”

My son was terrified after accidentally swallowing some Lego. He was shitting bricks for days.


Did you hear about the female parachutist? She pulled the wrong string and bled to death.


Why do women parachutists wear tampons? So they don’t whistle on the way down.


What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Fuck!” A bad skydiver goes, “Fuck!” WHACK!


If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.


What’s the similarity between skydiving and getting a blow job from your grandmother? They both feel exhilarating so long as you don’t look down.


A blind man takes up skydiving, to the general amazement of his friends. When one of them asks how this was possible, he explains: “Everyone is extremely helpful. I am placed in the door with my blind dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” someone asks. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 fleet from the ground,” the blind man replies. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” “No problem – the dog’s leash goes slack.”


Did you hear about the Irish skydiver who fell to his death? His flippers failed to open.


My doctor told me: “If you had X-ray vision and looked at your lungs, you’d never smoke again.” “Too right I wouldn’t,” I replied. “I would be much too busy looking through girls’ underwear.”


I’m trying to give up two of my worst habits, smoking and wanking. I am finding it very difficult because I’m a thirty-a-day man. Also I smoke like a chimney.”


A man walking down the street sees another man with a very big dog. The man says: “Does your dog bite?” The other man replies: “No, my dog doesn’t bite”. The first man then pats the dog, has his hand bitten off, and shouts; “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite”. The other man replies: “That’s not my dog”.


Life is like a box of cigarettes. You never know which cancer you’re going to get.


If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?


My wife asked me how I could carry on smoking with the knowledge that I was killing myself. “It’s easy,” I replied. “I also know I’m killing you through passive smoking.”


Two Irishmen had a bad day while visiting the sperm bank in London. Patrick missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.


Two prostitutes are in a lift. One says to the other, “Can you smell spunk!” “Sorry,” says the other. “I’ve just burped.”


Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They refuse to stop for directions


I have just bought a racehorse called “My Face”. It is a crap horse but I can’t wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming, “COME ON MY FACE.”


Three men go on a skiing trip in the Austrian Alps. The ski lodge is overbooked so they all have to share a bed. The next morning, when they wake up, one guy says: “That was weird. I had a dream that this beautiful woman was wanking me off last night!” The guy on the other side of the bed says; “No, I’ll tell you what’s weird – I had the exact same dream!” The bloke in the middle suddenly looks worried. “What’s wrong?” ask his pals. He replies, “Last night I dreamt I was skiing . . .”


The snooker player Steve Davis pulls a groupie after a tournament and they end up, several drinks later, in his hotel room. Desperate to shag her idol she strips her clothes off and gets on all fours presenting her arse. Steve, being a man who likes to take his time, slowly unzips his trousers, meanwhile staring at the girl’s arse from every possible angle, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head. “Are you going to fuck me or what?” demands the girl. “Defnitely,” says our Steve, “I’m just making my mind up if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown.”


What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other? Annette.


What is the toughest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents you’re gay.


Who was the last twenty-stone man to ride a derby winner? Lester Piggott’s cell mate.


Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker.


A woman was shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, six eggs, a carton of juice and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in the line watches her place the four items on the belt and says to her, “You must be single.” The woman looks at the four items on the belt and smiles back at him. “That’s right. How did you know?” He replies, “Because you’re very ugly.”


Two lions are walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”


A prostitute goes to pay for her shopping at the supermarket checkout. “I’m awfully sorry miss,” says the assistant, “but this £50 note is counterfeit.” “Help!” she yells. “I’ve been raped!”


I went to the supermarket and when I got to the checkout my trolley was overflowing with items. Standing just behind me was a poor old lady with only a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket. I said, “Is that all you’ve got, love?” Her little face lit up and said, “Yes, dear.” I replied, “Well, fuck off to another till then, I’m going to be ages.”


I was in Tesco yesterday, and a woman dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she’d just bought a bag for life.


A little boy gets lost in the supermarket. Eventually a shop assistant sees him wandering around, and he tells her, “I can’t find my mum.” The shop assistant enquires, “What’s your mum like?” He replies, “Bacardi Breezers and big dicks.”


A recent study found that 35 per cent of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra. Actually I can vouch that this is true. I was injured last week while trying to undo a woman’s bra. When I undid the bra of the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me in the face with a jar of coffee.


A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket when he sees this busty brunette staring at him. He can’t quite believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. “Excuse me, do I know you?” he asks. “Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids,” she says. The man thinks hard and says, “Fuck me, are you the bird I shagged on my stag do while your friend whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?” “No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English teacher!”


A man walked into a bar with two black eyes. The barman said, “What happened to you?” The man replied, “I was standing behind a big woman at the supermarket checkout. I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.” “Where did you get the other shiner?” the barman asked. “Well, I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in.”


A married couple are shopping in the local supermarket when the husband picks up a crate of beer and sticks it in their trolley. “What are you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on offer,” he replies. “Put them back. We can’t afford it!” insists the wife, and they carry on shopping. A couple of aisles later, she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley. “How come I have to give up stuff and you don’t?” he complains. “She countered, “The make up is so I can look good for you.” “No,” he replied, “that’s what the fucking beer is for.”


If you have a green ball in your left hand, and you have a green ball in your right hand, what do you have? The complete and undivided attention of the Incredible Hulk.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? They don’t have any balls to scratch.


Why did the eunuch fail to cross the road? He didn’t have the balls.

Did you hear about the bloke with square testicles? He had cubic hairs.

What do you call a man with three balls? A juggler.


I read somewhere that women have one breast bigger than the other. Or is that just bollocks?


The great pharaoh Ramses II was dictating to a scribe. As the great pharaoh spoke, the scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. “I am going to create . . .” the monarch said slowly, “a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . . and virile . . . young men.” The chips suddenly ceased flying. “Excuse me, your majesty,” said the perspiring chiseller, hesitantly, “. . . but is virile spelled with one testicle or two?”


A man applies to the local council for a job. The interviewer asks him; “Have you been in the armed services?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in the Falklands.” The interviewer says: “Good. That will give you extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?” The man says, “Yes, 100 per cent. A land mine blew my testicles off.”


The interviewer replies: “Excellent. You’re hired. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 a.m., why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?” “This is the council,” the interviewer explains. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”


I saw a sign in a public toilet. It said, “Please leave these premises in the condition that you would like to have found it in”. So I left a porno mag and a line of coke.


Some graffiti spotted in the ladies’ public toilet, obviously written by a male intruder, read: “I’m 12 inches long and three inches wide. Are you interested?” Written underneath, in more feminine handwriting: “Interested? I’m amazed. But what is the size of your dick?”


Why do French men always miss the urinal? You try pissing with both your hands in the air!


According to a recent survey, reading, chatting and texting are among the favourite activities of Britons on the toilet. The study suggests more than fourteen million people in the UK read newspapers, books and magazines. Eight million people talk – either on the phone or to family – and one in five send texts. Personally I’d rather have a shit.


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets so big you can run around in them.


What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s changing room? Say, “Nice dick!”


I went into some public toilets the other day to have a shit. When I sat down and locked the door, a voice came from the cubicle next to me. “Hello mate, how are you doing?” I thought this was a bit odd, but I didn’t want to be rude so I replied, “Not too bad, thanks.” After a short pause, I heard the voice again: “Anyway, what are you up to?” I replied, somewhat hesitantly, “Er . . . just having a quick shit actually. How about yourself?” Then I heard the voice say, “Sorry, mate, I’ll have to phone you back. There’s some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”


Mummy, mummy, what’s a vampire? Shut up, son, and eat your soup before it clots.


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, his face covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats could smell the blood and wanted to know where he got it. The bat told them to clear off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him, down through a valley, across a river, until they arrived in a huge forest. Finally he stopped and all the other bats milled excitedly around him, tongues hanging out for blood. “See that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking well didn’t.”


What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?“See you next month.”


Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water. “Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”


Why did the vampire visit the orthodontist? To improve his bite.

What’s an Aboriginal vibrator? Eight wasps in a sherry bottle.

What does an elephant use as a vibrator? An epileptic pig.

Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.


I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.


“Ann Summers has just launched the most realistic vibrator yet. Just before you reach a climax, it ejeculates, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself of. ”


Three men were drinking at a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and a Geordie. The doctor said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a Vivienne Westwood suit and a diamond ring. Even if she doesn’t like the suit, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.” The lawyer said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the shoes, she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.” The Geordie said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!”


Why did the French invent the bidet?

It’s easier than drinking out of the toilet.

Where’s the best place to hide your money? Under a Frenchman’s soap.


Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees? So that the Germans can march in the shade.


What do you call a Frenchman killed in battle? The slowest runner.

Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? So they can watch the battle.


Going to war without the French is like . . . well, the Second World War actually.


What’s the difference between toast and a Frenchman? You can make soldiers out of toast.


How many French troops does it take to defend Paris? No one knows, it hasn’t been tried yet.


How can you recognize a French war veteran? Sunburned armpits.


You really do have to hand it to the French. After all, they won’t fight for it.


Why is the French flag made of Velcro? So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.


A man goes into an army surplus store and says: “I’d like a French army knife please.” The assistant replies, “We have Swiss army knives sir, but I’ve never heard of a French army knife. How does that work?” The man replies, “Oh, you know, no scissors or tweezers, just six corkscrews and a white flag.”


I once had a job in one of those paperless offices. It was okay until I needed a shit.


What’s the worst thing about rising unemployment? It gets more difficult to shag your girlfriend with her husband at home.


A man walks into a zoo, and all it has is a single dog. It was a shitzu


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.


This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”


Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.


A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always5 finishes given assignments on time. He takes extended6 measures to complete his work, often skipping coffee7 breaks. He is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. So, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote thereport sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the oddnumbered lines.