USE CHRO0ME BROWSER TO PRINT
One gay guy decides to have a tattoo done. On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Frank Bruno. "Oh he's my favorite darling.... can you do him on the cheek of my ass??" he asked the tattoo artist. So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson. "Oh good lord " the gay guy blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can you do him on my other cheek please, lovey?" So it was done. On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants to reveal his new art work; on which the boyfriend returned in fright, " Oh I'm not getting in the ring with those two!"
An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. "Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied!!!
While driving down the highway, a guy says to the girlfriend, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points a shoe and says, "Cover your crotch and get help from that gas station down the road." She covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!"
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.This big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice, the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!"
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe!
How do you get a Sweet Little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another Sweet Little 80- year-old lady to yell BINGO !
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? The northern fairytale begins.... Once upon a time.... The southern fairytale begins... Y'all ain't gonna believe this
The times have changed! years ago.., When 100 white men chased "1" Black man, We called it the Ku Klux Klan. Today they call it the P.G.A. TOUR
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife best trade I ever made
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
29) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed yourself.
30) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
31) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
32) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
33) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
34) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I’ll never forget finding my first grey pubic hair. I wouldn’t have minded, only it was in a kebab.
An elderly man goes to see his doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in reasonably good condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?” The man says, “No problem, me and God, we’re good. He takes care of me, you know.” “Really? How’s that?” says the doctor. “Every night when I have to get up to go to the toilet, he turns on the light for me and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.” Upon hearing this, the doctor is slightly baffed and calls the old man’s wife. “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?” She replies: “The old fool, he’s been pissing in the fridge again.”
Two old gentlemen in their eighties are sitting by the sea front at Blackpool, staring out to sea. After a couple of hours one says “You know what I fancy?” “No, what?” says his friend. “One of those ice creams with hundreds and thousands and a fake.” The other says: “Wait there, I’ll go and get two.” Four hours later, he returns, sits down and hands the other a paper bag. He puts in his hand and pulls out a saveloy. “What this?” he asks. “A steak and kidney pie.” “You useless old fool. You forgot the gravy.”
What’s got 100 balls and fucks old ladies? Bingo.
One morning an elderly man was out playing golf, when he hit his ball into the deep rough. While searching for the ball he came across a frog. The frog looked up at him and said: “Sir, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” So the old man bent down, picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and carried on looking for his ball. A few minutes later a voice from his pocket shouted, “Oi! I don’t think you heard me. I said, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” The old man replied, “No thanks. Frankly at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
An old couple are at the doctor’s. The doctor says to the old man, “I need a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” The doctor repeats: “I need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample.” Once again, the old man says, “What?” So the doctor yells: “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” The old woman turns to her husband and says, “Bert, he wants your underpants.”
Two old women are sitting in a cafe. One says to the other: “Did you come on the bus?” “Yes,” replies her friend. “But I made it look like an asthima attack.”
What does an eighty-year-old woman have between her legs that a young woman doesn’t? Her tits.
How do you know when you’re getting old? Your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.
I was standing at a cashpoint machine when a frail old lady came up to and asked if I wouldn’t mind checking her balance. So I pushed her over.
An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.
What’s blue and screws old ladies? Hypothermia.
What stinks and smells of dog food? A pensioner’s fart.
A man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in amazing shape for a sixty-year-old.” The man replied testily, “Did I say anything about being sixty? Actually I’m seventy-fve.” “That’s amazing!” replied the doctor. “Do you mind me asking, by the way, how old was your father when he died?” The patient responded, “Hmmm! Did I say he was dead?” The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?” The patient replied, “Well, he is ninetyfive years old and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer.” The doctor couldn’t believe it. “I’m sorry . . . how old was your grandfather when he died?” The patient snapped back, “Did I say he was dead?” The doctor was astonished. “You mean to tell me you are seventy-five years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?” The patient said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 112 years old, and next week he is getting married again.” The doctor said, “At 112, why in God’s name would your grandfather want to get married?” The patient glared at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
Two old women were eating breakfast one morning. One noticed something funny sticking out her friend’s ear. “Minnie, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Minnie answered, “I do? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it for a while. “Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
Statistically, 91 per cent of old people believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Stupid old fuckwits!
Ninety-year-old Ethel was clinically depressed over the recent death of her husband, Frank. She was so despondent that she decided that she didn’t want to go on: she would just kill herself and join him in death. So she took out Frank’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Fearing that she might just miss the vital organ and become a debilitating burden on someone else, she called the NHS helpline to enquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The voice on the other end said, “Your heart is just below your left breast.” Later that night, poor Ethel was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
What game do policemen’s children play? Pin the rape on the darkie.
What’s the definition of “police intelligence”? An excuse to raid the wrong house.
How many metropolitan police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell.
A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The man pokes his head out of the window and says, “What seems to be the problem, officer?” The policeman looks him in the eye and says, “Are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about two miles back?” “Thank fuck for that!” says the driver. “I thought I had gone deaf.”
What’s the difference between a woman and a mobile speed camera? Generally, as far as a woman is concerned, you can see the cunt behind the bush.
A man is pulled over by the police for speeding. As the police officer is writing up the ticket, the man asks, “Can you arrest me for calling you something really abusive?” “Yes,” replies the officer. He then asks, “Can you arrest me for thinking something?” “Of course not,” replies the officer. “In that case,” says the man, “I think you’re a cunt.”
I was driving home from the pub one night when I was stopped by a policewoman. She walked over to my car, leaned in the window and said, “Have we had a drink, sir?” I replied, “Nope . . . but I might have shagged you at a party . . .”
What’s the difference between paedophiles and politicians? Politicians don’t keep pictures of the little people they fuck.
What do politicians use for birth control? Their personalities.
A man gets stuck in traffic near Parliament. He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told: “The prime minister is so depressed about the UK’s debt that he’s stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight.” “What are you going to do?” asks the man. “We’re putting together a collection for him,” says the officer. “How much have you got?” asks the man. “About forty gallons,” says the officer.
When politicians die, why are they buried in a hole thirty-six feet deep? Because deep down, they are all nice people.
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What’s the difference between an MP and a bucket of dirt? The bucket.
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Dad, what is politics?” His dad replies, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she takes care of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has filled his nappy, he goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand politics now.” The father says, “Well done, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
A politician dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, St Peter takes one look at him and says, “Sorry, no politicians allowed in Heaven.” The MP pleads that he’s a good bloke who’s done lots of good work. “Oh yeah? Like what, for example?” asks St Peter. The MP says, “Why, just last week I gave £20 to Children In Need, £30 to Help The Aged and £50 to Comic Relief.” St Peter thinks for a while then says, “Wait here.” He goes inside for a while, then comes back. “Sorry mate, I’ve had a word with God. He says, ‘Here’s your £100 back, now fuck off!’”
What was Princess Di’s favourite cocktail? A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.
Why did Princess Diana have a Mercedes? She wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda.
Why did Elton John sing at Princess Diana’s funeral? Because he was the only queen that gave a fuck.
What’s the difference between Princess Diana and a beautiful bed of flowers? Approximately six feet.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn’t wearing her seat belt.
What’s the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes? BMW doesn’t get any royalties.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both were laid by Arabs.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
Did you know that Princess Di was on the phone when she crashed? She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the gearstick and the headrests.
What would Princess Diana be doing now if she was still alive? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
What is the Queen getting Fergie for Christmas? A black Mercedes and a trip to Paris.
What do you give the princess who has everything? A seatbelt and an airbag.
What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking? She hit the roof.
Why was Diana like a mobile phone? They both die in tunnels.
What’s the one word that could have saved Princess Diana’s life? “Taxi!”
Microsoft has announced that its new operating system is to be known, prior to launch, as “Diana, Princess of Windows”. A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late ex-royal. It is also appropriate because the product will look flashy, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and will crash spectacularly.
St Peter meets Mother Theresa at the pearly gates and says, “You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.” Later on Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven feeling quite pleased about her lovely new halo, when she sees Princess Diana wearing a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa immediately goes back to St Peter to complain. “St Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Diana did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. She was a vain self-obsessed attention seeker. Why does she have a bigger halo?” St Peter replies, “That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel.”
What does Prince Philip’s bumper sticker say? “I brake for paparazzi!”
A lucky guy had three girlfriends on the go but wasn’t sure which one to settle down with. So he decided to give each one £500 to see how they spent it. The first girlfriend went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought herself clothes, a new hairdo, manicure and pedicure. When she came back she told him, “I spent the money so I could look gorgeous for you because I love you so much.” He was very touched and quite aroused and they had lots of great sex. The second girlfriend went out and bought him a new fat-screen TV. “I bought this gift for you with the money you gave me because I love you so much,” she said. He loved his new telly! The third girlfriend took his £500 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, gave him the original £500 back and reinvested the rest. She told him, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” She made enough money to buy him a new car. After thinking long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.
Two guys and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.” The second guy says, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.” They then asked the woman, “What are you?” She replies: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
I used to think I was the world’s greatest lover, until I found out that my girlfriend had asthima.
I met this girl in a bar and I said to her: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.” She replied: “If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.” I said: “That works for me, as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.”
What’s the funniest thing about one-night stands? Leaving a note on the fridge telling them you have AIDS.
“My girlfriend dumped me just before she got run over. I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type. Now she knows what rejection feels like.”
I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I was quite upset. My mum reassured me, “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.” I replied, “Yes I know, but it isn’t just the smell I miss.”
Why do men hold hands with their girlfriends in public? If they let go then the bitch might start shopping.
I met this girl last night and she was a right ugly cow. I said to her “What’s your name?” “Wednesday,” she replied. “That’s a very unusual name,” I said. “She said, “Yes. Apparently when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, ‘I think we’d better call it a day.’”
Why is sex like paintballing? Because you play hard for thirty minutes and when it’s over you’re all hot and sweaty and glad that you’re not the one taking a shot to the face.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid? When you open her legs a light comes on.
When I was fourteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend. When I was sixteen, I finally dated a girl, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I got to date this really passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was a drama and she cried all the time and threatened to kill herself. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very nice, quite stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. My life was so dull and predictable that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did crazy, impetuous things and flirted with all my mates. She made me miserable more times than she made me happy. She was great fun at first and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found this smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. Unfortunately she was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a bird with big tits.
An old man in a nursing home walks up to a little old lady and says, “Guess how old I am!” She unzips his fly, puts her hand inside his pants, then rummages around for a couple of minutes. “You’re 82!” He says, “That’s amazing! How do you know?” She replies, “You told me yesterday.”
A group of old people were talking at the breakfast table in a nursing home. “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. “Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee,” replied another. “I can’t turn my head because of arthritis in my neck,” said a third, at which the rest nodded weakly. “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another added. “That’s nothing,” said another old man, “I’ve had two triple-bypass operations, a hip replacement and new knees. I’ve battled prostate cancer and have diabetes. I’m half blind, I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take twenty different medications for my blood pressure that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I also have episodes of dementia and my circulation is so poor that I can no longer feel my hands or my feet. To be honest, I can’t remember if I’m eighty-fve or ninety-two.” “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement. Then there was a short moment of silence. “Well, it could be worse,” said one old woman. “Thank God we all still have our driver’s licenses.”
One evening a family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home. The next morning the nurses bathed her, fed her a good breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely fower garden. She appeared to be perfectly okay, but after a while she slowly started to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed to be okay for a while, but after a couple of minutes she started to tilt to the other side. Again, the nurses rushed back and brought her upright. This went on all morning. Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So, mum, how is it here? Are they treating you well?” they asked. “It’s not bad,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
Three old men were sitting in a retirement home chewing the fat. “I hate being in my seventies,” said the first. “You always feel like you want to piss and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.” “Ah, that’s nothing,” said the second. “When you’re in your eighties, you don’t have a proper bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.” “No, being in your nineties is the worst age of all,” said the third. “Do you have trouble pissing as well then?” asked the first old man. “No, not really, I have a piss every morning at 6 a.m. I piss like a racehorse, no problem at all.” “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?” “No, I have a shit every morning at 6:30 precisely.” At this, the second old man said: “Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6 a.m. and shit every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so bad about being in your nineties?” “I don’t wake up until 7 a.m.”
An old married couple were playing cards in the nursing home, as they had done every afternoon for several years. The old lady suddenly looks up and says, “I’m sorry darling. I know we’ve been married for many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind . . . would you please tell me your name again?” There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then her husband responds, “How soon do you need to know?”
An old woman walks into the recreation room at the retirement home, holds her clenched fst in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!” An elderly gentleman at the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” She thinks for a minute and says, “Close enough.”
Two old men sitting in a retirement home. “I’m full of aches and pains today, Ted. How do you feel?” His friend replies: “Like a newborn baby, Alf.” “Really?” says Ted. “Yes,” says Ted. “Hairless, toothless and I’ve just shat myself.”
They said that my grandad was “like a fish out of water” when he moved into the old people’s home. In other words, he was dead.
An elderly couple were sitting in an old folks’ home watching the TV. All of a sudden the old man reaches over and punches his wife in the face. “What was that for?!” she exclaims angrily. “Forty years of crap sex!” her husband replies. She remains silent and they continue watching the TV. A couple of minutes later, the old lady gets up and kicks her husband in the balls. “Bloody hell,” he moans, writhing on the foor. “What was that for?” She replies, “That’s for knowing the difference!”
I once got a gig as a stand-up comedian in an old people’s home. They were a superb audience. When I say superb audience, none of them got my jokes but they still wet themselves.
An old lady in a nursing home was trundling up and down the corridor on her Zimmer frame when an elderly retired policeman jumps out in front of her. “You do realize you were speeding just then? Could I have your driving licence?” he says. She hands over her library card. He studies it carefully and hands it back with a raffe ticket. “Here’s a speeding ticket,” the old man tells her. “Be on your way, and drive more slowly this time.” A couple of hours later the same old woman is doing the same journey when the ex-copper once again jumps out in front of her. “That U-turn you did just then was illegal, can I see your driving licence?” Once again she hands over her library card; he checks it and sends her on her way. Several minutes pass and she is coming down the corridor again. The old man jumps out of his room stark naked, nursing a wrinkly erection. The old lady says: “Oh no, not the breathalyser again!”
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down. “Pull yourself together, man,” he says. “At least you haven’t gone through the windscreen like your passenger.” He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road. The driver replied: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth.”
A coach full of handicapped people has crashed in the Lake District. Rescue workers say it will be days before they can pull the coach from the wreckage.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a used dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen, causing the car to veer off the road into a ditch. Fortunately the occupants escape the accident unscathed. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, that was an insect.” Her son replies, “Funny. I’m amazed it could get off the ground with a cock as big as that.”
I’m completely exhausted. I shagged this beautiful girl last night but it turned out she was a schizophrenic. I wasn’t allowed to stop until I brought both of them to orgasm.
Did you hear about the schizophrenic who threatened to kill himself?The police treated it as a hostage situation.
I had a threesome the other night. I say threesome: actually, I fucked a schizophrenic.
Why are schizophrenics afraid to shave? They don’t trust that cunt with the razor.
Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called prayer, but when God talks to you, it’s called schizophrenia?
What’s the best thing about schizophrenia? It turns a wank into an orgy.
My doctor has diagnosed me as a paranoid schizophrenic. We think he’s out to get us.
If I had a choice of mental illnesses, I would choose to be a schizophrenic kleptomaniac. After all, you can always take something for it.
I got a ticket to see the Special Olympics. I am really looking forward to the schizophrenic boxing.
What is ten inches long, two inches thick and starts with a P? A good shit.
Two flies were sitting on a turd when one of them farted. “Please . . .” said the other. “I’m trying to eat here.”
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One turns to the other and says, “I haven’t seen you around in a while. Where have you been ?” The other fly replies, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been on the sick.”
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for female flies. One of them sees a hottie sitting on a cowpat so he buzzes down and sidles up next to her. “Excuse me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “is this stool taken?”
A little boy says to his dad one day: “Dad, where does poo come from?” The father is a little taken aback that his five-year-old son is already asking difficult questions and thinks for a while how to respond. “Well, you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the boy. “Well, when you put food into your mouth you chew and swallow. The food then gets smaller and smaller and goes down in your oesophagus, a long tube that goes down into your tummy. Your tummy then mixes up the food and liquid with the digestive juices produced by your tummy. The digestive juices help to break down the food so the body can process it properly. Then the food comes out of your tummy and goes into your small intestine. The walls of your small intestine are filled with little hairs or fingers that stick out, called villi. The villi take the nutrients from the food into the entire body. After it leaves the small intestine, it travels into the large intestine. The only stuff that’s left over when it goes into the large intestine is waste. The waste then comes out of your bottom when you go to the loo, and that is poo.” The little boy stares at his dad in stunned silence for a few seconds, then asks: “And tigger?”
My son was terrified after accidentally swallowing some Lego. He was shitting bricks for days.
Did you hear about the female parachutist? She pulled the wrong string and bled to death.
Why do women parachutists wear tampons? So they don’t whistle on the way down.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Fuck!” A bad skydiver goes, “Fuck!” WHACK!
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.
What’s the similarity between skydiving and getting a blow job from your grandmother? They both feel exhilarating so long as you don’t look down.
A blind man takes up skydiving, to the general amazement of his friends. When one of them asks how this was possible, he explains: “Everyone is extremely helpful. I am placed in the door with my blind dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” someone asks. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 fleet from the ground,” the blind man replies. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” “No problem – the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Did you hear about the Irish skydiver who fell to his death? His flippers failed to open.
My doctor told me: “If you had X-ray vision and looked at your lungs, you’d never smoke again.” “Too right I wouldn’t,” I replied. “I would be much too busy looking through girls’ underwear.”
I’m trying to give up two of my worst habits, smoking and wanking. I am finding it very difficult because I’m a thirty-a-day man. Also I smoke like a chimney.”
A man walking down the street sees another man with a very big dog. The man says: “Does your dog bite?” The other man replies: “No, my dog doesn’t bite”. The first man then pats the dog, has his hand bitten off, and shouts; “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite”. The other man replies: “That’s not my dog”.
Life is like a box of cigarettes. You never know which cancer you’re going to get.
If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?
My wife asked me how I could carry on smoking with the knowledge that I was killing myself. “It’s easy,” I replied. “I also know I’m killing you through passive smoking.”
Two Irishmen had a bad day while visiting the sperm bank in London. Patrick missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.
Two prostitutes are in a lift. One says to the other, “Can you smell spunk!” “Sorry,” says the other. “I’ve just burped.”
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They refuse to stop for directions
I have just bought a racehorse called “My Face”. It is a crap horse but I can’t wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming, “COME ON MY FACE.”
Three men go on a skiing trip in the Austrian Alps. The ski lodge is overbooked so they all have to share a bed. The next morning, when they wake up, one guy says: “That was weird. I had a dream that this beautiful woman was wanking me off last night!” The guy on the other side of the bed says; “No, I’ll tell you what’s weird – I had the exact same dream!” The bloke in the middle suddenly looks worried. “What’s wrong?” ask his pals. He replies, “Last night I dreamt I was skiing . . .”
The snooker player Steve Davis pulls a groupie after a tournament and they end up, several drinks later, in his hotel room. Desperate to shag her idol she strips her clothes off and gets on all fours presenting her arse. Steve, being a man who likes to take his time, slowly unzips his trousers, meanwhile staring at the girl’s arse from every possible angle, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head. “Are you going to fuck me or what?” demands the girl. “Defnitely,” says our Steve, “I’m just making my mind up if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown.”
What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other? Annette.
What is the toughest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents you’re gay.
Who was the last twenty-stone man to ride a derby winner? Lester Piggott’s cell mate.
Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker.
A woman was shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, six eggs, a carton of juice and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in the line watches her place the four items on the belt and says to her, “You must be single.” The woman looks at the four items on the belt and smiles back at him. “That’s right. How did you know?” He replies, “Because you’re very ugly.”
Two lions are walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”
A prostitute goes to pay for her shopping at the supermarket checkout. “I’m awfully sorry miss,” says the assistant, “but this £50 note is counterfeit.” “Help!” she yells. “I’ve been raped!”
I went to the supermarket and when I got to the checkout my trolley was overflowing with items. Standing just behind me was a poor old lady with only a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket. I said, “Is that all you’ve got, love?” Her little face lit up and said, “Yes, dear.” I replied, “Well, fuck off to another till then, I’m going to be ages.”
I was in Tesco yesterday, and a woman dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she’d just bought a bag for life.
A little boy gets lost in the supermarket. Eventually a shop assistant sees him wandering around, and he tells her, “I can’t find my mum.” The shop assistant enquires, “What’s your mum like?” He replies, “Bacardi Breezers and big dicks.”
A recent study found that 35 per cent of men have been injured while undoing a woman’s bra. Actually I can vouch that this is true. I was injured last week while trying to undo a woman’s bra. When I undid the bra of the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me in the face with a jar of coffee.
A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket when he sees this busty brunette staring at him. He can’t quite believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. “Excuse me, do I know you?” he asks. “Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids,” she says. The man thinks hard and says, “Fuck me, are you the bird I shagged on my stag do while your friend whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?” “No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English teacher!”
A man walked into a bar with two black eyes. The barman said, “What happened to you?” The man replied, “I was standing behind a big woman at the supermarket checkout. I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.” “Where did you get the other shiner?” the barman asked. “Well, I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in.”
A married couple are shopping in the local supermarket when the husband picks up a crate of beer and sticks it in their trolley. “What are you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on offer,” he replies. “Put them back. We can’t afford it!” insists the wife, and they carry on shopping. A couple of aisles later, she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley. “How come I have to give up stuff and you don’t?” he complains. “She countered, “The make up is so I can look good for you.” “No,” he replied, “that’s what the fucking beer is for.”
If you have a green ball in your left hand, and you have a green ball in your right hand, what do you have? The complete and undivided attention of the Incredible Hulk.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? They don’t have any balls to scratch.
Why did the eunuch fail to cross the road? He didn’t have the balls.
Did you hear about the bloke with square testicles? He had cubic hairs.
What do you call a man with three balls? A juggler.
I read somewhere that women have one breast bigger than the other. Or is that just bollocks?
The great pharaoh Ramses II was dictating to a scribe. As the great pharaoh spoke, the scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. “I am going to create . . .” the monarch said slowly, “a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . . and virile . . . young men.” The chips suddenly ceased flying. “Excuse me, your majesty,” said the perspiring chiseller, hesitantly, “. . . but is virile spelled with one testicle or two?”
A man applies to the local council for a job. The interviewer asks him; “Have you been in the armed services?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in the Falklands.” The interviewer says: “Good. That will give you extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?” The man says, “Yes, 100 per cent. A land mine blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer replies: “Excellent. You’re hired. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 a.m., why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?” “This is the council,” the interviewer explains. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
I saw a sign in a public toilet. It said, “Please leave these premises in the condition that you would like to have found it in”. So I left a porno mag and a line of coke.
Some graffiti spotted in the ladies’ public toilet, obviously written by a male intruder, read: “I’m 12 inches long and three inches wide. Are you interested?” Written underneath, in more feminine handwriting: “Interested? I’m amazed. But what is the size of your dick?”
Why do French men always miss the urinal? You try pissing with both your hands in the air!
According to a recent survey, reading, chatting and texting are among the favourite activities of Britons on the toilet. The study suggests more than fourteen million people in the UK read newspapers, books and magazines. Eight million people talk – either on the phone or to family – and one in five send texts. Personally I’d rather have a shit.
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets so big you can run around in them.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s changing room? Say, “Nice dick!”
I went into some public toilets the other day to have a shit. When I sat down and locked the door, a voice came from the cubicle next to me. “Hello mate, how are you doing?” I thought this was a bit odd, but I didn’t want to be rude so I replied, “Not too bad, thanks.” After a short pause, I heard the voice again: “Anyway, what are you up to?” I replied, somewhat hesitantly, “Er . . . just having a quick shit actually. How about yourself?” Then I heard the voice say, “Sorry, mate, I’ll have to phone you back. There’s some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”
Mummy, mummy, what’s a vampire? Shut up, son, and eat your soup before it clots.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, his face covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats could smell the blood and wanted to know where he got it. The bat told them to clear off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him, down through a valley, across a river, until they arrived in a huge forest. Finally he stopped and all the other bats milled excitedly around him, tongues hanging out for blood. “See that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking well didn’t.”
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?“See you next month.”
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water. “Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
Why did the vampire visit the orthodontist? To improve his bite.
What’s an Aboriginal vibrator? Eight wasps in a sherry bottle.
What does an elephant use as a vibrator? An epileptic pig.
Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.
“Ann Summers has just launched the most realistic vibrator yet. Just before you reach a climax, it ejeculates, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself of. ”
Three men were drinking at a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and a Geordie. The doctor said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a Vivienne Westwood suit and a diamond ring. Even if she doesn’t like the suit, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.” The lawyer said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the shoes, she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.” The Geordie said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!”
Why did the French invent the bidet?
It’s easier than drinking out of the toilet.
Where’s the best place to hide your money? Under a Frenchman’s soap.
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees? So that the Germans can march in the shade.
What do you call a Frenchman killed in battle? The slowest runner.
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? So they can watch the battle.
Going to war without the French is like . . . well, the Second World War actually.
What’s the difference between toast and a Frenchman? You can make soldiers out of toast.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris? No one knows, it hasn’t been tried yet.
How can you recognize a French war veteran? Sunburned armpits.
You really do have to hand it to the French. After all, they won’t fight for it.
Why is the French flag made of Velcro? So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
A man goes into an army surplus store and says: “I’d like a French army knife please.” The assistant replies, “We have Swiss army knives sir, but I’ve never heard of a French army knife. How does that work?” The man replies, “Oh, you know, no scissors or tweezers, just six corkscrews and a white flag.”
I once had a job in one of those paperless offices. It was okay until I needed a shit.
What’s the worst thing about rising unemployment? It gets more difficult to shag your girlfriend with her husband at home.
A man walks into a zoo, and all it has is a single dog. It was a shitzu
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always5 finishes given assignments on time. He takes extended6 measures to complete his work, often skipping coffee7 breaks. He is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. So, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote thereport sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the oddnumbered lines.