JOKES 2500 TO 2599
2500. If you are meant to learn by your mistakes, why is it that so many couples have more than one child!
2501. Have you ever noticed that people who can't drive always slam car doors really hard!
2502. One of the perks of ageing is that, whatever you buy new, it is unlikely that it will wear out!
2503. The person who can smile in a crisis is someone who has just remembered that there is someone else to blame!
2504. Many countries have gun controls. But none seem to have idiot controls!?
2505. If knowledge as some say is power and if power corrupts, does that mean if you study really hard that you will be evil!?
2506. Why do buses seem to travel at twice the speed when wanting to catch one than when you are actually riding one!?
2507. I read a strange verse in a card the other day. It read, “It is so miserable here without you, it is as though you are still with me!”
2508. Don't you find it funny that nowadays you can phone for a pizza quicker than to the police!
2509. A wise man once said, “War will never determine which side was right - only which side was left!”
2510. If you steal ideas from only one person, it will be deemed to be plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is deemed to be research!
2511. Enjoying a clear conscience will usually be the cause of having a really bad memory!
2512. You need to have the ability to laugh at your own problems because everyone else will!
2513. Sound advice from a father: “Don't ever fight with an ugly child because what have they got to lose!?”
2514. Two fish are in a tank. One said to the other, “I'll drive, you man the guns!”
2515. I got a compliment about my driving yesterday as when I returned to my car, someone had left a message on the windscreen that said, “Parking fine!”
2516. A strange thing happened at a concert in Bermuda that we went to see when on holiday. The guy playing the triangle just disappeared!
2517. Love involves having a cuddle on the sofa whereas marriage involves one of you sleeping on the sofa!
2518. You know it is a hot day when you see farmers giving crushed ice to the chickens to prevent them from producing hard boiled eggs!
2519. My brother went to the local store the other day to buy a pair of camouflage trousers. Guess what? He couldn’t find a pair!
2520. I was wondering why the cricket ball was getting bigger. It was then that it hit me!
2521. Yesterday I went to our local paper shop. Guess what? It had blown away!
2522. How come it only cost 8 million dollars for the Titanic to be built but 250 million dollars for a movie to have been made about it!
2523. A Hamburger goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic. “Sorry” said the barman “We don't serve food!”
2524. Dog’s favorite school subject is “Dog-Ruff-ee!”
2525. How would you name a fish which doesn’t have an eye? FSH!
2526. How do you stop a fish from smelling? Just cut its nose off!
2527. Do you know what cows usually do for entertainment? They rent moo-oo-oo-vies!
2528. How is a sheep which has no legs called? A Cloud!
2529. What will the ghost say to a bee to scare it? BOO-BEE!
2530. Why was the fish expelled from school? Because he was caught with seaweed!
2531. What do you call a man who has no arms and legs in a pool? Bob!
2532. What do you call a man who doesn’t have any arms and legs sitting on your front porch? Matt!
2533. If you want a single day job per week, just become a garbage collector!
2534. One of the easiest ways to drive costly cars is to become a driver!
2535. Seals are the only animals that have legal documents!
2536. The best weapon to break anything is an unbreakable thing!
2537. Bathroom is the place where everyone sings at least one line!
2538. If you dig a hole for treasure, always dig alone!
2539. My headache is back but body is apart!
2540. My daughter was under a famous doctor but didn’t pass the medical test exam!
2541. What did the guy use to invite his gay partner home? Homophone!
2542. What is the difference between Doctors and Lawyers? Because of mistakes Lawyers make, someone might end up hanging 6 feet above! Because of the mistakes Doctors make, someone might end up buried 6 feet below!
2543.An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A Garlic a day.... keeps everyone away!
2544. Do you know I cleaned the loft with my wife last weekend? I still can't get the dust out of her hair!
2545. Remember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her!
2546. Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are like two sides of a coin? Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they remain together!
2547. My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She had paragraphs!
2548. Question: What is the best way to ensure that you remember your wife's birthday? Answer: Forget it once!
2549. Question. “What do you do if a Bernard Manning throws a grenade at you?” Answer. “Take out the pin and throw it back!”
2550. Your house is so small, when I put the key in the door, I stabbed everyone inside!
2551. Why don't you do us all a favor; pull your lip over your head, and swallow!
2552. What do you call a man with no testicles? A woman! What do you call a woman with two testicles!?
2553. Yours truly, mamma is so fat that when she weighed herself on the scales, it came up with her telephone number!
2554. If I gave a shit you'd be the first person that I'd give it to!
2555. Were you born with a sorry note from Durex or something?!
2556. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist!
2557. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? Answer: The jewelry!
2558. Question: How can you tell when your lead singer is at your door? Answer: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in!
2559. The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "Two skeletons making love on a tin roof"!
2560. How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
2561. Why don't they make mutes for clarinets? It would be a waste of time--it would take a lot more than a mute to make a clarinet sound good! California Trumpet, clarinet, piano, sax, and flute!
2562. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session!
2563. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
2564. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
2565. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
2566. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
2567. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice them very thinly.
2568. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
2569. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
2570. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.
2571. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
2572. Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
2573. Why don't men name there privates after women. Because they don't want a woman running their life.
2574. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
2575. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
2576. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
2577. “Do you know any reliable rule to estimate the cost of living?” “Yes. Take your income whatever that may be and add twenty percent!”
2578. “What do you call a deep burnt food item in your lunch that is not recognizable?” ”UFO - Unidentified Fried Object!”
2579. “Why shouldn’t you hold a DVD upside down?” “Because the data might fall down!”
2580. Good Resolutions are Like Beautiful Girls: They are easy to make but hard to keep!
2581. Before going to sleep you can say goodnight. But before waking up can you say Good morning!?
2582. You know the happy marriage is over when the husband calls home and says that he will be coming home late for dinner and the answering machine tells that the dinner is in the microwave oven!
2583. My wife and I were happy for twenty two years. Then we got married to each other!
2584. What is marriage? Marriage isn’t just a word. It’s a sentence... it’s a “Life Sentence”!
2585. Marriage is made up of three rings. The first one is called as the 'Engagement Ring', the second one is called as the 'Wedding Ring' and the third one is called as the 'Suffering'!
2586. Good friends are the ones who stand behind you during your bad times. To find them, just look at your marriage photo album!
2587. What is the difference between Love and Marriage? Love is a sweet dream while Marriage is the alarm clock. Love is BLIND but Marriage is the Eye Opener!
2588. Visitor Comment in an Art Gallery: “It was raining outside. That’s why I was here. Thanks for the shelter!”
2589. Are people who jump off bridges in Paris in seine!?
2590. Does reading when sunbathing make you well read!?
2591. Is the definition of a will a dead giveaway!?
2592. Always be pleasant to your kids as it be they who choose your retirement home!
2593. If you ever think that nobody cares if you live or not, try missing a couple of mortgage payments!
2594. Why are banks one of the few places that will lend money to you but only after you've proved to them that you do not need it!?
2595. Remember it is not necessary to have a parachute if you wish to skydive; unless you are going to do it twice!
2596. If you ever get the urge to fight fire with fire; just remember – the Fire Service generally uses water!
2597. Nostalgia really isn’t anything like it once was!
2598. “Why is it that a single thrown match will start a forest fire when it takes you a full box to light our campfire!?”
2599. If your cup is half full, you are said to be an optimist but if it is half empty, you are said to be a pessimist. If you are an engineer, however, your cup is twice as large as it should have been in the first place!