JOKES - 1600 TO 1699
1600. A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. “That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?” “Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.” “How about transportation?” the father asked. “I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.” “We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”
1601. Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was playing with a wall clock when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at
the clock blankly, then brightened. “It’s time for you to go,” he answered triumphantly.
1602. Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby’s mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. “Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.” Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. He wrote: God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby. Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner”, Bobby’s mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God. He then wrote a letter to God as follows: Hey God, I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND A RED BIKE !!!
1603. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
1604. Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. “What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor. “My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed. “How did he break it, Emily?” “I hit him over the head with it.”
1605. A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“ The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
1606. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
1607. A boy was doing experiment with cockroach. First he cut it’s one leg and told, “walk, walk”. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it’s second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it’s fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn’t walked. Suddenly the boy said loudly, ” I found it. If we cut cockroach’s four legs, it becomes deaf “.
1608. MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
1609. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
1610. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"
1611. My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
1612. Murphy's Law regarding Children: 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits..it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom. 10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent..sometimes.
1613. In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?" The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell?" asks girl baby. "Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"
1614. Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?" The other says, "Circumcision." The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
1615. Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor
selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother. "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
1616. A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"
1617. A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
1618. A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster. When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it. One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?" The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"
1619. Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!!"
1620. A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
1621. Jimmy said to his father: "Daddy how can I stop asking questions?" and his father said: "First:Don't think and Second...SHUT UP!!!"
1622. Ron: What kind of fish is this? Aquarium keeper: Jelly Fish Ron: Which flavor it is?
1623. Q: What is a baby's motto A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again!
1624. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
1625. What did one math book say to the other math book? "I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
1626. A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
1627. One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman). Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is. The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him. The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing. The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him. The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just
with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly "what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The officer asks: "And why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any Scheiss."
1628. Boy - "Dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother." Santa - "Send me your mother."
1629. School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom? Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white. Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”
1630. A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem. Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke? Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password. Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.
1631. First Kid: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously. Second Kid: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died. First Kid: I don’t remember exactly, I was only 3 yeas old at that time.
1632. ‘Take me to the 10th floor,’ said Tuna as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, ‘The 10th floor, son.’ ‘Why did you call me son?’ demanded Tuna. ‘I am not your son.’ I called you son because I brought you up,’ replied the liftman.
KNOCK KNOCK JOKES:
1633. Knock Knock! Who's there?
Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub quickly, I'm drowning!
1634. Knock Knock! Who's there? Max. Max who? Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!
1635. Knock Knock! Who's there? Ya Ya who? What are you getting so excited about!?
1636. Knock Knock! Who's there? Easter Easter who? Easter bunny! Knock Knock! Who's there? Another! Another who? Another easter bunny Knock Knock! Who's there? No more! No more who? No more easter bunnies, wait till next year!!
1637. Knock Knock! Who's there? Avocado! Avocado who? Avocado a cold!
1638. Knock Knock! Who's there? Axel! Axel who? Axeldental Tourist!
1639. Knock Knock! Who's there? Atch! Atch who? I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!
1640. Knock Knock! Who's there? Athena! Athena who? Athena flying saucer!
1641. Knock Knock! Who's there? Argo! Argo who? Argo down the shops!
1642. Knock Knock! Who's there? Audrey! Audrey who? Audrey be doing this!
1643. Knock Knock! Who's there? Augusta! Augusta who? Augusta go home now!
1644. Knock Knock!
Who's there? Aunt Lou! Aunt Lou who? Aunt Lou do you think you are!
1645. Knock Knock! Who's there? Ashley! Ashley who? Ashley-t's foot!
1646. Knock Knock! Who's there? Asia! Asia who? Asia you going to let me in then!
1647. Knock Knock! Who's there? Anna! Anna who? Anna one, anna two...! Knock Knock! Who's there? Anna! Anna who? Anna going to tell you! Knock Knock! Who's there? Anne Boleyn! Anne Boleyn who? Anne Boleyn alley!
1648. Knock Knock! Who's there? Amin! Amin who? Amin thing to do!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Ammonia! Ammonia who? Ammonia little kid!
1649. Knock Knock Who's there? Alec! Alec who? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock! Knock Knock Who's there? Alec! Alec who? Alec my lolly! Knock Knock Who's there? Alex! Alex who? Alex the questions round here!
1650. Knock Knock Who's there? Adair! Adair who? Adair once but I'm bald now! Knock Knock Who's there? Adlai! Adlai who? Adlai a bet on that!
1651. Knock Knock Who's there? Amahl! Amahl who? Amahl shook up!
Knock Knock Who's there? Amana! Amana who? Amana bad mood! Knock Knock Who's there? Amazon! Amazon who? Amazon of a gun!
1652. Knock Knock Who's there? Alpaca! Alpaca who? Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase! Knock Knock Who's there? Althea! Althea who? Althea later, alligator!
1653. Knock Knock Who's there? Amsterdam! Amsterdam who? Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes!
1654. Knock Knock Who's there? Amos! Amos who? Amosquito just bit me!
1655. Knock Knock Who's there? Amy! Amy who?
Amy afraid I've forgotten!
1656. Knock Knock Who's there? Annetta! Annetta who? Annetta wisecrack and you're out of here!
1657. Knock Knock Who's there? Annie! Annie who? Annie one you like!
1658. Knock Knock Who's there? Anthem! Anthem who? You Anthem devil you!
1659. Knock Knock Who's there? Athens! Athens who? Athens I love you!
1660. Knock Knock Who's there? Atlas! Atlas? Atlas it's the weekend!
1661. Knock Knock Who's there? Atomic! Atomic who? Atomic ache!
1662. Knock Knock Who's there? Axl! Axl who? Axl me nicely and I might just tell you!
1663. Knock Knock Who's there? Anita! Anita who? Anita you like I need a hole in the head!
1664. Knock Knock Who's there? Abbott! Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!
1665. Knock Knock Who's there? Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmedeus Motzart!
1666. Knock Knock Who's there? Alaska! Alaska who? Alaska my friend the question then!
1667. Knock Knock Who's there? Alfred! Alfred who! Alfred of the dark!
1668. Knock Knock Who's there?
Alma! Alma who? Alma not going to tell you!
1669. Knock Knock Who's there? Almond! Almond who? Almond the side of the law!
1670. Knock Knock Who's there? Andrew! Andrew who? Andrew a picture!
1671. Knock Knock Who's there? Andy! Andy who? Andy mosquito bit me again!
1672. Knock Knock Who's there? Astor! Astor who? Astor the ball is over!
1673. Knock Knock Who's there? Ankara! Ankara who? Ankara went off the cliff! Knock Knock Who's there? Ann! Ann who? Anndromeda Strain!
1674. Knock Knock Who's there? Armageddon! Armageddon who? Armageddon getting out of here!
1675. Knock Knock Who's there? Armenia! Armenia who? Armenia every word I say!
1676. Knock Knock Who's there? Asa! Asa who! Asa-int amongst men!
1677. Knock Knock Who's there? Aries! Aries who? Aries a reason why I talk this way!
1678. Knock Knock Who's there? Arizona! Arizona who? Arizona room for one of us in this town!
1679. Knock Knock Who's there? Anka! Anka who? Anka the ship!
1680. Knock Knock
Who's there? Ankansas! Ankansas who? Ankansas though any piece of wood!
1681. Knock Knock Who's there? Amory! Amory who? Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!
1682. Knock Knock Who's there? Alva! Alva who? Alva heart! Knock Knock Who's there? Alvin! Alvin who! Alvin a great time, how about you? Knock Knock Who's there? Allan! Allan who! Allan-d of Manhattan! Knock Knock Who's there? Allegra! Allegra who? Allegra is broken! Knock Knock Who's there? Alma! Alma who? Alma-ny Knock Knock
1683. Knock Knock
Who's there? Alda! Alda who? Alda time you knew who it was! Knock Knock Who's there? Aldo! Aldo who? Aldo anywhere with you! Knock Knock Who's there? Aida! Aida who? Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache! Knock Knock Who's there? Al! Al who? Al give you a kiss if you open this door! Knock Knock Who's there? Adelia! Adelia who? Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
1684. Knock Knock Who's there? Aardvark! Aardvark who? Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
1685. Knock Knock Who's there? Aaron! Aaron who! Aaron on the side of caution! Knock Knock Who's there?
Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet!
1686. Knock Knock Who's there? Ada! Ada who? Ada burger for lunch! Knock Knock Who's there? Adam! Adam who? Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
1687. Knock Knock Who's there? Aladdin! Aladdin who? Aladdin the street wants a word with you! Knock Knock Who's there? Alba! Alba! Alba in the kitchen if you need me! Knock Knock Who's there? Alexia! Alexia who? Alexia again to open this door! Knock Knock Who's there? Alfalfa! Alfalfa who? Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!
1688. Knock Knock Who's there?
Alfie! Alfie who? Alfie terrible if you leave!
1689. Knock Knock Who's there? Adolf! Adolf who? Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
1690. Knock Knock Who's there? Aesop! Aesop who? Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
1691. Knock Knock Who's there? Abe! Abe who? Abe C D E F G H...!
1692. Knock Knock Who's there? Abyssinia! Abyssinia who? Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
1693. Knock Knock Who's there? Alberta! Alberta who! Alberta'll be over in a minute!
1694. Knock Knock Who's there? Albee! Albee!
Albee a monkey's uncle! Knock Knock Who's there? Albert! Albert who! Albert you don't know who this is! Knock Knock Who's there? Alison! Alison who? Alison it's dark outside!
1695. Knock Knock Who's there? Alli! Alli who? Alligator, that's who! Knock Knock Who's there? Allied! Allied who? Allied, so sue me!
1696. Knock Knock Who's there? Agatha! Agatha who? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin? Knock Knock Who's there? Agnes! Agnes who? Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
1697. Knock Knock Who's there? Alfred! Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew! Knock Knock Who's there? Ali! Ali who? Ali, Ali oxen free!
1698. Knock Knock Who's there? Alice! Alice who? I'm Alice chasing rainbows....!
1699. Knock knock! Who’s there? JO. JO who. JO momma.