She whispered,

Will it hurt me?’

‘Of course not,’ answered he,

‘It’s a very simple process, You can rely on me.’

She said, ‘I’m very frightened, I’ve not had this before.

My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore.’

It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes,

It was hurting quite a bit now,

It must have been a size.

‘Calm yourself,’ he whispered,

His face filled with a grin,

Try and open wider So I can get it in.’

‘It’s coming now,’ he whispered;

‘I know,’ she cried in bliss;

Feeling it deep within her now She said, ‘I’m glad I’m having this.’

And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout,

He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contented, Sighed and gave a smile;

She said, ‘I’m glad I came now, You made it worth my while.’

Now if you read this carefully,

The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined;

It’s just your dirty mind!


There was a young widow from Kent With a cunt of enormous extent And so deep and so wide, The acoustics inside Formed an echo whenever you spent.


There was a young fellow called Howell Who buggered himself with a trowel. The triangular shape Was conducive to rape, And easily cleaned with a towel.


There once was a man from Bombay Who made a fake cunt out of clay. He stuck in his dick But the thing turned to brick And chafed his foreskin away.


There was a young man from Harrow,Who had a dick as big as a marrow. He said to his tart “Try this for a start. My balls are outside on a barrow.”


There was a man from Mauritius Who said his last fuck was delicious But the next time I cum It’ll be up your bum Cos that scab on your clit looks suspicious.


There once was a young man from Sparta Who was a magnifcent farter. On the strength of one bean He’d fart, “God Save the Queen” And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.


There once was a girl called Louise Whose pubes hung down to her knees. So the crabs in her twat Tied her hairs in a plait And constructed a flying trapeze.


There once was a rector from King’s Whose mind was on heavenly things. But his heart was on fre For this boy in the choir Whose arse was like jelly on springs.


There was an old woman from Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds. In less than an hour Her tits were in flower And her cunt was covered in weeds.


There was a young lady from China Who had an enormous vagina And when she was dead They painted it red And used it for docking a liner.


There was a young gaucho called Bruno Who said, “There’s one thing I do know. A woman is fine, A boy is divine, But a llama is numero uno.”


There was a young girl called Dolores Whose fanny was covered in sores. The dogs in the street Used to snap at the meat That hung in green gobs from her drawers.


There was a young sailor from Brighton Who said, “Shit! Your hole is a tight one!” Said the girl, “Shut your face! You’re in the wrong place! There’s plenty of room in the right ’un.”


There was a young fellow called Runyon, Whose penis developed a bunion. With every erection, This painful infection Gave off a strong odour of onion.


There was a young vampire called Mabel With periods exceedingly stable. By the light of the moon She sat down with a spoonAnd drank herself under the table.


There once was a lady from Crewe Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, “If they pay to get in They can pay to get out of it too.”


There was a young stud from Missouri Who fucked with astonishing fury, Until taken to court For his vigorous sport And condemned by a poorly hung jury.


There was a young fellow from Perth The dirtiest fucker on earth. When his wife was confined He crept up behind And swallowed the whole afterbirth.


There once was a barmaid named Gale On whose breasts were the prices for ale And on her behind For the sake of the blind The bar snacks were printed in Braille.


There was an old lady of Ypres Who got shot in the ass by some snipers, And when she blew air Through the holes that were there, She astonished the Cameron Pipers.


There was a young girl from Detroit Who at screwing was very adroit. She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point, or finer, Or open it out like a quoit.


There was a young novice called Bell Who didn’t like cunt all that well. He would finger and fuck one, But never could suck one, He just couldn’t get used to the smell.


There was a young girl from Throgmorton Who had one long tit and a short ’un. To make up for that, She’d a six-foot-wide twat And a fart like a 650 Norton.


There was a young girl named Priscilla Who flavoured her cunt with vanilla. The taste was so fine, Men and beasts stood in line, But she called it a day with Godzilla.


A lady from Texas called Jill Used dynamite sticks for a thrill. They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil.


There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her heels from a doorway. She said to her beau, “Look at this, Joe, I think I’ve discovered one more way!”


There was an old man from Calcutta Who was having a wank in the gutter. A woman walked by Got spunk in her eye And thought it was Ireland’s best butter.


There was a young man from Rangoon Who was born a fortnight too soon. He hadn’t the luck To be born of a fuck ’Twas a wank shovelled in with a spoon.


There was a young queer from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night About who had the right To do what and in where and to whom.


There was a young maid from Madrid Who would open her legs for a quid. But a handsome Italian With balls like a stallion Said he’d do it for nothing, and did.


There was a young lady from Ealing Who had a rather strange feeling. She laid on her back And tickled her crack Then pissed all over the ceiling.


There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rumba on skates. But he fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates.


There once was a girl from Sri Lanka Whose cunt was as big as a tanker. You could go for a swim In the depths of her quim And you needed a lamppost to wank her.


There once was a rodent called Keith Who circumcised boys with his teeth. It wasn’t for leisure Or sexual pleasure But to get to the cheese underneath.


There was a young lady of Dover Whose passion was such that it drove her To cry when she came, “Oh dear, what a shame! Well now we just have to start over.”


There once was a fella named Mort Whose prick was incredibly short. When he climbed into bed His lady friend said “That’s not a dick, it’s a wart.”


There was a young maid named McDuff Who had a luxuriant muff. In his haste to get in her One eager beginner Lost both of his balls in the rough.


There was a young maid from Cape Cod Who dreamed she was sleeping with God. ’Twas not the Almighty Who pulled up her nightie, ’Twas Roger the lodger, the sod.


There was a young maiden called Flynn Who thought fornication a sin, But when she was tight It seemed quite all right, So everyone filled her with gin.


There was a young man from Coblenz Whose balls were quite simply immense: It took forty draymen A priest and three laymen To transport them thither and hence.


There was a young man from Peru Whose lineage was noble all through. It’s surely not crud, For not only his blood But even his semen was blue.


There was a young man of Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia. The drawing was fne, The colour divine, But the scent, alas, was a failure.


There was a young girl from Hoboken Who claimed that her hymen was broken From riding a bike On a cobblestone spike, But it really was broken from pokin’.


There was a young fella called Taylor Who seduced a respectable sailor. When they put him in jail He settled the bail By doing the same to the jailer.


There was a young man from Nantucket Took a pig to a thicket to fuck it. Said the pig, “No, I’m queer, Get away from my rear, Just come to the front and I’ll suck it.”


A mathematician named Hall Had a hexahedronical ball And the cube of its weight Times his pecker’s, plus eight Is his phone number - give him a call.


There was a young maiden called Randall Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal By walking out bare To the main village square And poking herself with a candle.


There was a young dentist called Stone Who saw all his patients alone. In a ft of depravity He flled the wrong cavity, Good Lord! How his practice has grown!


There was a young tyro called Fyffe Who married the love of his life. But imagine his pain When he struggled in vain, And just couldn’t enter his wife.


A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions.


There was a young virgin from Bude Whose proclivities were often viewed With distrust by the males For she’d fondle their rails, But never would let them intrude.


There was a young woman called Dexter Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they’d start He’d let fly a great fart With a blast that damn near unsexed her.


There was a young lady named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover’s desire. She said, “It’s a sin, But now that it’s in Could you shove it a few inches higher?”


There once was a lady from France Who took a long train ride by chance. The engineer fucked her Before the conductor While the freman came in his pants.


There was a young woman called Gloria Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, By six other men, Sir Gerald again, And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria.


There was a young woman from Bicester More willing by far than her sister. The sister would giggle And wriggle and jiggle, But this one would come if you kissed her.


There was a sweet lady who said, As her new beau climbed into her bed, “I’m tired of this stunt That they do with one’s cunt, You can slip up my bottom instead.”


There was a young fellow called Dirk Who dozed off one day after work. He woke with a scream When he had a wet dream, And polished it off with a jerk.


There was a young girl called McBight Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night. She came to her bed With a split maidenhead: It was the last time she ever got tight.


There was a young girl called O’Clare Whose body was covered in hair. It was really quite fun To probe with one’s gun, For the target might be anywhere.


There was a young girl from Cornell Whose nipples were shaped like a bell. When you touched them they shrunk, But when she got drunk, They quickly got bigger than hell.


There was a young girl from Eskdale Who put up her sweet arse for sale. For two threepenny bits You could tickle her tits, But a shilling would get you some tail.


There was a young fellow called Lancelot Whose neighbours looked on him askance a lot. Whenever he’d pass A pretty young lass, The front of his pants would advance a lot.


There was a young monk from Tibet, And this is the strangest one yet – His prick was so long, So pointed and strong, He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.


There was a young man from Racine Who invented a knobbing machine. Concave or convex, It would suit either sex, With attachments for those in between.


There was a young girl with angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.


There was a young man from Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born. He wouldn’t have been, If his father had seen That the end of his condom was torn.

There once was a girl from Lahore Who’d lie on a rug on the foor. In a manner uncanny She’d wiggle her fanny And drain your balls to the core.


There once was a plumber from Leigh Who was rodding his girl by the sea. Said she, “Please stop plumbing, I think someone’s coming!” He replied: “I know love, it’s me.”


From the depths of the crypt at St Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar, “Good gracious Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the bishop has piles?”

There was a man from Bhoghat Whose arse cheeks were terribly fat. They had to be parted Whenever he farted, And propped wide apart when he shat.


In the Garden of Eden sat Adam Massaging the bust of his madam. He chuckled with mirth For he knew that on earth There were only two boobs, and he had ’em.


There once was a lady from Hitchin Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen. Her mother said, “Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose.” She said, “Yes, and the fuckers are itchin’.”


There was a young man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so big he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.


A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude Saw a man come along, And unless I’m quite wrong You expected this line to be lewd.


Roses are straight, Violets are twisted, Bend over love, You’re about to get fisted.


Roses are red, Violets are blue,

I’ve got Alzheimer’s, This little piggy went to market.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Why give her fowers When Rohypnol will do?


Roses are crap, Violets are wanky, Oh God I’ve just come, Please pass me a hanky.


Roses are red, It’s elementary, Let’s ring up a friend, And try double-entry.

Roses are shit, Violets are crap, Show me your clit, And I’ll cum in your lap.


Roses are red, Violets aren’t magenta, If you have a baby, I’ll eat the placenta.


Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show us your tits.


Roses are groovy, Violets are funky, I’m thinking of you And spanking my monkey.


Roses are crap, Violets are shit, Sit on my face, And wiggle a bit.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m using my hand, But I’m thinking of you.

Roses are dirty, Violets have fleas, Peel back my skin, And lick off my cheese.

Roses are red, When in reality, Sleeping with girls Don’t beat bestiality

Roses are red, Violets are finer, Chickens are fowl, Just like your vagina.


Roses are red, Skid marks are brown, Give us a blow job And swallow it down.


Roses make me laugh, Violets make me titter, You’re a dirty bitch, And you love it up the shitter.


Roses are red, Violets are blue, Im schizophrenic, And I am too.


Roses are red, But I like carnations, You're so crap in bed, That I fucked your Alsatians.


Roses are straight, Violets are twisted, Bend over love, You’re about to get fisted.


Roses are red, Violets are blue, Why give her fowers When Rohypnol will do?


Roses are crap, Violets are wanky, Oh God I’ve just come, Please pass me a hanky.


Roses are red, It’s elementary, Let’s ring up a friend, And try double-entry.


Roses are shit, Violets are crap, Show me your clit, And I’ll cum in your lap.


Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show us your tits.


Roses are groovy, Violets are funky, I’m thinking of you And spanking my monkey.


Roses are crap, Violets are shit, Sit on my face, And wiggle a bit.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m using my hand, But I’m thinking of you.

Roses are dirty, Violets have fleas, Peel back my skin, And lick off my cheese.

Roses are red, When in reality, Sleeping with girls Don’t beat bestiality

Roses are red, Violets are finer, Chickens are fowl, Just like your vagina.


Roses are red, Skid marks are brown, Give us a blow job And swallow it down.


Roses make me laugh, Violets make me titter, You’re a dirty bitch, And you love it up the shitter.


Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And I am too.