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A nymphomaniac was doing her gardening one Sunday afternoon when the wind blew her skirt up to reveal a bare backside. At this moment a dog appeared in the garden and stuck his tongue in her crotch. Without looking around she whispered, Whoever you are, I do the gardening three times a week, Sunday afternoon, Friday and Saturday mornings.

The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay. He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her. Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay. Immediately, his mother replied, Does being gay mean you have men's dicks in your mouth? Well stammered the young man. Yes, it does. In that case, she said angrily, don't you ever criticise my cooking again.

...

I’ve got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.


Nelson Mandela recently met with controversial 800-metre runner Caster Semenya. It turns out that the two have much in common. Specifically, South African roots and an ability to piss while standing up.


When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother: “What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?” Here’s what she said to me: “You’re a boy. Now get out of your sister’s clothes and fuck off to school.”


I’ve just found out that my best mate is a transsexual and has had a boob job. I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.


South African 800-metre star Caster Semenya was asked to take a gender test just hours before the world championship final to prove that she was a woman. According to the IAAF, the gender verification test was an extremely complex procedure, involving extensive tests, endocrinologists, gynaecologists and psychologists, to establish whether Caster Semenya is a woman or not. Or they could just get her to park a car.


Hollywood producers are in discussions to make a film about the life of South African runner Caster Semenya. Will Smith has agreed to play the lead role.


Mike was sitting by the bar knocking back a few beers after work when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but Mike couldn’t quite place her. “Hi, Mike,” she said. “I haven’t seen you in a long time.” “Kev, is that you?” said Mike. “Why are you dressed up like a woman?” “Well, Mike. It’s a long story, but the bottom line is that I have always felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body, so I finally decided to do something about it. And, after a number of painful operations, I am now a woman.” Mike was shocked, but couldn’t help staring at his friend’s pert breasts, “Bloody hell, Kev, I bet it was painful to have those implants put in.” “Yep, but that wasn’t the most painful part,” said Kev. “Oh Christ,” said Mike. “You mean you had your dick and testicles cut off? That must have been horrifc.” “Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn’t the worst part.” “I don’t believe it, mate. What could possibly be worse than that?” “The final operation was the worst. That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain.”

Officials at the World Athletics World Championships launched an investigation after female competitors complained that someone had been repeatedly leaving the toilet seat up after having a piss.


My vegetarian wife and I were in a restaurant recently with friends and, as usual, after she passed on the meat and asked for more potatoes, I was asked the same old question: “So, where does she get her protein?” I replied, “She swallows.”


Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts.

If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of food?


Mahatma Gandhi, the revered Indian leader, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of bunions on his fleet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. He also endured a strict vegetarian diet, which meant that he suffered from bad breath. In short, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Paul McCartney’s children are sitting down to a family dinner. Paul comes in with a tear in his eye and says “Kids, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that, tragically, your mother Linda finally lost her fight with cancer last night and died. The good news is . . . sausages for dinner!”


The Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.