What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers? Her IQ goes up. "
Did you hear about the blonde who went into the bar and ordered twenty one drinks?
She saw the sign that said, “No one served under 21.” "
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see.”
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, no wonder it looks familiar, it’s me.” "
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?” "
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them.”
The redhead said, “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy, ‘W’.” "
What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex? Opens the car door. "
A blonde, in her fourth year as a freshman, was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what decision Roe vs. Wade was.
She sat there for quite a while, pondering this very profound question. She finally sighed and said, “I think that was the decision George Washington made when he crossed the Delaware.” "
Do you know what a space probe is? It’s what the doctor uses when he looks in a blonde’s ears. "
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. "
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
The blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No honey, don’t do it!”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next.” "
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop.” "
She’s so dumb that she went to a party dressed as a piñata. "
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One yells to the other, “How do I get to the other side?” The other replies, “You are on the other side.”
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said, “How should I know, that’s two hundred miles from here,” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.” "
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she’s eighteen. "
A blonde walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
“Oh, good heavens, have we come to this?” said the woman. “Give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.” "
Worried father to blonde teenage daughter, “I don’t like your new boyfriend. He’s rough and crude.”
“Oh daddy, you’re wrong. He’s so clever. Why I’ve only been dating him for nine weeks and he already cured me of that illness I used to get every month.”
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?” "
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. It is the one thing I’m indebted to her for. "
Last week my blonde wife was going out shopping so I asked her to pick up some deodorant for me. When she got to the counter, the clerk asked her if she wanted the ball type. She said, “No, he wants it for under his arms.” "
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.” "
What do a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.
Do you know how to measure the IQ of a dumb blonde?
With a tire gauge.
A blonde calls the customer support number for her office fax machine.
Blonde caller, “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Tech, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand who you are talking about.”
Blond Caller, “On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?” "
Zookeeper, “Lady, run for your life. The lion has escaped from the zoo.” Blonde, “Well, I have nothing to worry about.” Zookeeper, “Why not?” Blonde, “It’s a man-eating lion, isn’t it?” "
What do smart blondes and UFO’s have in common? You always hear about them, but never see them. "
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, a guy asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle.” "
What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? The prostitute says, “Are you done yet?” The nymphomaniac says, “Are you done already?” The blonde says, “Beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.” "
I know of a dumb blonde that tried to make Kool Aid, but wasn’t sure how to get all of that water into such a little package. "
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the Ws.
A blonde was walking down the street and had a glove on one hand and not on other. Her friend asked her why she had only one glove on.
The blonde replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot. "
Do you know how to put a twinkle in a dumb blonde’s eye?
Shine a flashlight into her ear. "
What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear. "
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and begins shouting.
She yelled, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor.”
The ventriloquist begins to apologize.
The blonde yells, “You stay out of this. I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.” "
Elvis will always be remembered as he stands among the throng of Californian blondes and again makes true, the old adage that, “In the kingdom of the blonde, the one dyed man is king.”
We were in the office discussing technology issues and I asked a blonde tech, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?” "
Salesperson to blonde, “Madam, do you want it scented or unscented?” Blonde, “I’ll uh, take it with me.” "
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther, Florida or the Moon?”
The other blonde turns and says, “Helloo, can you see Florida?” "
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see, “Closed for the winter.” "
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese. "
A young blonde student comes to her professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels in front of him and says, “I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her long blonde hair, and gazes seductively into his eyes, “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do absolutely any thing.”
He returns her gaze and says, “Anything?”
His voice softens, “You mean that you would do anything to pass this test?”
She smiles mischievously, “Anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper, “Would you . . . study?” "
A blonde is tired of being ridiculed by her friends and decides to learn to play an instrument. She points and tells the music store clerk, “Give me that red trumpet over there and that accordion.”
The clerk asks, “Are you sure?”
She says, “Yes, I am sure. I am determined to learn to play an instrument.”
The clerk says, “I guess you can have the fire extinguisher, but we have to keep the radiator.” "
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalator for five hours.
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a picture of a naked man.
As he walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking young blonde, had sketched the man with an erection.
The professor was frustrated and said, “Oh no, I wanted it the other way.”
The blonde replied, “What other way?” "
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, “What can I get you, gorgeous?”
The woman, blushed and replied, “If you are sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman’s ear, “Would that be before or after I got the drinks?” "
And then there was a blonde woman parked on the shoulder of the road. A policeman was giving her a speeding ticket.
“But officer,” she said, “How could I possibly be going eighty miles an hour? I’ve only been driving fifteen minutes.” "
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which, that the eye doctor, took paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. “Look,” said the doctor, “There’s no need to get emotional about getting glasses.”
“I know,” agreed the blonde, “But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.” "
There are ninety nine blondes on a plane and one brunette.
The captain gets on the speaker and says that they are going down, and they need to drop all the luggage.
They are still going down so they drop out all the chairs.
They are still going down so the crew drops the floor, and all the passengers are hanging by their hands from the top on the plane with no floor.
The captain gets on the speaker and says, “One person must jump in order to save the rest.”
The brunette says, “I’ll sacrifice my life,” and all the blondes start clapping. "
Do you know what Blonde paint is? It's a type of paint that's not very bright, cheap and spreads easy. "
Why do blondes go to R-rated movies in groups of 18? Because they heard that under 17 are not admitted. "
A blonde walks into work, and both of her ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?” She says, “Yesterday I was ironing a skirt when the phone rang and SSSSS. . . I accidentally answered the iron.” The boss says, “That explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” She says, “I had to call the doctor.” "
The blonde had a big problem. Her friend installed a screensaver on her computer, but every time she moved the mouse, it disappeared. "
A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. One day while sunbathing, the husband’s thingy became sunburned. In pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He opened up the refrigerator and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked his irritated thingy within. As he was standing there, his blonde wife walked in, looked at him, and said, “So that’s how it’s done. I always wondered how you guys filled that thing up.” "
Blonde Stories Blonde Stories Blonde Stories Blonde Stories
DROPPING A LOAD
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.”
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says, “Hi, my name is Jeff. It’s winter, and I’m driving a salt truck.”
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the driver’s window, he was surprised to find a very attractive blonde behind the wheel.
“Madam,” he said, “I’m afraid we are going to have to give you a Breathalyzer”
“A breathalyzer?” said the blonde “What’s that?”
“You blow into this device,” explained the officer, “And it tests your breath to see whether or not you have been drinking.”
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, “Lady, you have had a couple of stiff ones.”
“That’s amazing,” the girl cried. “You mean it shows that too.”
A blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn’t fully convinced they are worth fifty dollars.
The salesman assures him that they work and that fifty dollars is a great price, so he buys them.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and bingo, everyone he sees in the street seems to be naked.
He takes them glasses off for a moment, and everyone seems to have their clothes on. He tries it again and puts the glasses back on and everyone appears naked.
As the guy arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, but can’t find her. He goes to the bedroom and finds his wife naked in bed with some guy.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, “Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these, and they’re already broken.”
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.
The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
Up the blonde went. She reached one thousand feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached two thousand feet.
The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly.
At three thousand feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly. It skimmed the top of some trees and crash-landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
“What happened?” The instructor asked.
“All was going so well until you reached three thousand feet. What happened then?”
The blonde looked up and said, “I got cold, so I turned off the big fan.”
Three blondes died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter tells them they can enter the Gates if they can answer one simple question.
Saint Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together eats turkey, and are thankful.”
“Wrong,” replies Saint Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
Saint Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she is wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, “What is Easter?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Saint Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says Saint Peter.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.
The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
Saint Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
T G I F
The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by saying, “T-G - I - F.”
I smiled at her and replied, “S - H - I - T.”
She looked at me and said again, “T - G - I - F.”
I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, “S - H - I - T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possible, “T - G - I – F.”
Then I smiled back at her and again replied, “S - H - I - T.”
The blonde decided to explain, and said, “T - G - I- F. Thank Goodness It’s Friday.”
I answered back, “S - H - I- T. Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave.
The blonde she says, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The stewardesses don’t know what to do since they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
A group of all blondes and a group of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
The brunette asks, “What the heck is going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs.”
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, “Yeah, but you have a driver.”
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately leaps into motion.
It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune - Brad, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
What do you call an eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said, “Disneyland Left,” so they turned around and went home.
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Look daddy, doughnut seeds.
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
Why can’t blondes dial 911? They can’t find the number 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she has a grenade in her mouth.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, “Oh look at the dead bird.” The blonde looked skyward and said, “Where, where?”
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? “Look. They spelled MACY’S wrong.”
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her joke on Wednesday.
I HATE LUNCH
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a blonde were doing construction work on scaffolding on the twentieth floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage, if I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again, if I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blonde opened her lunch and said, “Bologna again, if I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The blonde opened her lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to her death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again.”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s husband.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” he said. “She makes her own lunch.”
A blonde bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn’t figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
“Watch this.” he said, “Nelson.”
The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie,” he said.
“On The Road Again,” came blaring from the speakers.
The blond drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she would say, “Beethoven,” she would hear the most beautiful classical music.
When she wanted something more fun, she would say, “Beatles.”
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved just in time to avoid him.
“Assholes,” she yelled.
The new radio began to play the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie Chicks.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled, “Mama needs some new clothes!”
Then she hollered, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!”
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”
Moral: ot all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
A blonde was driving home and was caught in a very bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into the car’s tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate came home and said, “What are you doing?”
The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Helloo. I’m sure you need to roll up the windows first.”
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five second and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye.”
The policeman says, “That’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair, and says, “He would be too easy to catch because he only has one ear.”
The policeman responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile. Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer.
Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a smile on his face.
I can’t believe it’s true. The suspect does wear contact lenses. Good work. How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
Two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman, all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
In due time he passed away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Miami Beach with their uncle all packed up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, “Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?”
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “Nope, not yet Bubbles.”
So they row out a little bit farther.
Again Bubbles asks Barbie, “Do you think were out far enough now?”
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.”
So on they row and row and row. Finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
“Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?”
“Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.”
Blonde and brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The brunette says, “Oh, yes, but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one.”
The blonde was determined as she turned and headed for the swamps to catch her own alligator.
The shopkeeper closed his business and was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water with a shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and yelled, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.”
A blonde is visiting Canberra. This is her first time to the city, and she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can’t find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. “Excuse me, officer,” the blonde says, “How do I get to the Parliament House?”
The officer says, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It will take you there.”
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer gets out of his car and says, “Excuse me, but to get to the Parliament House, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by.”
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his blonde wife, Mary Sue to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Sue saw a beautiful tea pot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Billie Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Billie Bob was finished, Mary Sue asked how much for the teapot.
Billie Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs a hundred and fifty bucks.”
“My goodness, that sure is a lot of money,” Mary Sue exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Billie Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Billie Bob yelled, “Mary Sue, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
Mary Sue replied, “No, but I will for the tea pot.”
She was so blonde that:
She spent twenty minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said ‘concentrate’.
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application when it said, ‘sign here’, she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She sold her car for gas money.
When she heard that ninety percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
A blonde was shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “That is a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde, “That’s amazing, I’ll buy it.”
She bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk and asked, “What’s that?”
“That’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
“Wow, that’s amazing. What do you have in it?” asked the boss.
“Two Popsicles and some coffee.”
One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman rises from the water wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, “Tell me how long it has been since you have had a cigarette?”
Ten years,” replies the stunned man.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Wow, that’s wonderful.”
And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good whiskey?” she asks him.
The castaway replies, “Ten years.”
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, “Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic.”
At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the entire front of her wet suit. She looks at the man seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you have played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh my, don’t tell me you have golf clubs in there too.”
What three words are guaranteed to destroy a man’s ego? “Is it in?”
How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? He’s breathing.
What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Government bonds mature.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know. It’s never happened.
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? A bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a catfish? One is a dirty scum-sucking, crap-eating, bottom feeder and the other one’s a fish.
How many bright, sensitive, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do toilet bowls, anniversaries and clitorises have in common? Men miss all of them.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
How do men sort out their laundry? Dirty, rank, rank but wearable.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay? There isn’t enough time.
What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis? A man.
What do men and public toilets have in common? They’re both either busy or full of shit.
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat? A sex-change operation.
Women are a bit like parking spaces. Normally all the good ones are taken. So occasionally, when no one’s looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, and give a blow job and open beer with her arse? A Swiss army wife.
What’s long and hard and makes women groan? An ironing board.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About five pints.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
What’s the most active muscle in a woman? The penis.
Why are women like screen doors? Once they have been banged a few times, they loosen up.
I like my women like my electrical gadgets: small, Japanese and bought on the street.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One is contract and the other is pay-as-you-go.
I met this bird in a bar. “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” I asked. She replied: “Do not enter.” I said: “Are you sure it isn’t ‘fat bird reversing’?”
My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always patronizing me. I really hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I replied, “Period.”
How do you know when it’s time to wash the dishes? Look inside your pants. If you have a dick, it isn’t time to wash the dishes.
Why do women shave under their arms? So they can iron faster.
How do you stop a girl from falling off her bicycle? Remove the saddle.
What’s the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus? One’s fat and has a moustache and smells of fish, and the other lives in the sea.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float.
If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man? £2.50 a minute.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.
What two things in the air can make a women pregnant? Her fleet.
Why do ballerinas wear tights? So they won’t stick to the floor when they do the splits.
Having sex with a pregnant woman isn’t all bad. It’s when the baby starts giving you head.
What are the two most important holes in a woman’s body? The nostrils. They enable her to breathe while she’s sucking your cock.
How do you know if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for dandruff on her shoes.
Always try to treat your women the way you treat your vacuum cleaner. When it stops sucking, change the bag.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
What’s the difference between a man and a hog? A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night long just to fuck some pig.
What is the definition of a perfect woman? Three fleet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. (N.B. The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.)
How many people does it take to write a sexist joke? Two – the man to dictate it and the woman to type it.
How do you know if your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris.
Why do women have foreheads? So there’s somewhere to kiss them after a blowjob.
Why did cave-men drag their women by the hair? If they dragged them by the fleet, they’d fill up with rocks.
Why do women have 2 per cent more brains then a cow?
So that when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle? None – it should already be open when she brings it to you
Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What is the best way to brainwash your wife?
Stand on her enema bag.
Why has there never been a woman on the moon? Because it doesn’t need cleaning.
Why did God create women? Because dogs can’t get beer out of the fridge.
A boy says to his mother one day: “Mum, why are wedding dresses white?” She replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mum for this information and goes off to check this with his father. “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks up from reading his newspaper with some surprise. “Well, you know, son, all household appliances come in white.”
Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time.
What is the difference between Meg Ryan and the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Why do they call it pre-menstrual tension? Because mad cow disease was already taken.
Why do women have small fleet? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why are women like prawns? Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great.
Women are just like cartons of orange juice. It’s not the shape or size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It’s getting those fucking flaps open.
Apparently a lot of women are reading these jokes. The dinner won’t cook itself, you know.
According to sex therapists, the most effective method of arousing a man is to lick his ears. Personally I think it’s bollocks.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough? Give the cow a shovel.
Scientists have identifed that after two years of marriage, many women develop something called “Dyson’s Syndrome”. They make a continuous whining noise, but no longer suck.
What do you do if your boiler explodes? Buy her some flowers.
Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm? Who cares?
Why does NASA always send a woman on shuttle missions? They weigh twenty-five pounds less than an automatic dishwasher.
They say a woman’s work is never done. If you ask me they should get their shit together and try to be a little better organized.
What’s the difference between a pit-bull and a woman with PMS? Lip-gloss.
She has a cunt like a stab wound in a gorilla’s back
She looks like she’s been dunking for apples in a chip pan
She has had more hands up her than Kermit the frog
She has a face like a dog licking piss off a nettle
Her face looks like she’s been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe
She’s got a face that could make an onion cry
I wouldn’t ride her into battle
I wouldn’t do her with a rusty pole
She has more chins than a Chinese phone books
She smells like an alcoholic’s carpet
Shagging her is like shagging the sleeve off a wizard’s cloak
Why do women have legs? Have you seen the trail snails leave?
A woman walks into a bar. Only joking, she was in the kitchen!
She has a vagina like a ripped-out fireplace
She has killed more cocks than a fowl butcher
She has a face like a sand-blasted tomato
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She has seen more helmets than Hitler
She has a face like a stuntman’s knee
She has a cunt like a badly packed kebab
She is so ugly that even a sniper wouldn’t take her out
She has a face like a blind joiner’s thumb
She has piss flaps like John Wayne’s saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
She has a cunt like a burst couch
She has been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd’s shotgun
Why don’t women need a wristwatch? There’s a perfectly good one on the stove.
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can bung your load into a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
What’s the cleverest thing to have come out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s penis.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they’re ugly and they smell.
What is green and eats nuts? Herpes.
What’s the difference between the army and a vagina? Army discharge is a good thing.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat.
Why did the Essex girl name her dog Herpes? Because it wouldn’t heel.
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual medical check-ups. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a rare strain of gonorrhoea, which I have only heard of once before.” The guy blanched. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?” “Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this particular strain only last week when I took my dog to see the vet.”
Doctor: “Mrs Jones, the results of your tests are back, I’m afraid you have gonorrhoea.” Mrs Jones: “I think I caught it from a toilet seat.” Doctor: “You must have been chewing it then -it’s in your gums.”
A man went to see his doctor. The doctor told him, “I have good news and bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” “Your wife has syphilis.” “Oh my God! What could possibly be good news.” “She didn’t get it from you.”
What’s the difference between love and herpes? Love doesn’t last forever.
A British tourist goes on a trip to China. While he is there he visits a local brothel and doesn’t use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. The doctor tells him: “I’ve got bad news. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis.” The man asks for a second opinion and seeks out a Chinese doctor who is working at the local clinic, figuring he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and says, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.” “What can you do?” asks the man. “The other doctor wants to amputate!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid British doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man replies. “Yes!” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!”
How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.
The Greek god Zeus was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a beautiful naked woman washing herself. He flew and made passionate love to her, then stroked her face and told her, “In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!” The woman dressed herself smiled and replied, “In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes. Now sod off.”
“I’m afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Smith.” “Well, give me the good news first, doctor.” “Your lab tests came back today and your crabs are all gone.” “That’s terrific. But what’s the bad news?” “We don’t know what ate them.”
Which new venereal disease only affects foot fetishists? Athlete’s tongue.
Two blondes walk into a department store. They go up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. One sprays it on her wrist and smells it. “That’s quite nice, don’t you think?” Her friend takes a sniff and replies, “Really nice. What’s it called? “‘Viens a moi’.” “‘Viens a moi’? What does that mean?” The assistant interjects, “‘Viens a moi’, ladies, means ‘come to me’ in French.” The first blonde takes another sniff, then says to her friend: “That doesn’t smell anything like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?”
A man was shopping in the men’s department at Harvey Nichols when he spotted a stunning female assistant behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.” She smiled pleasantly and replied: “And what would you like?” The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight then run my hand up and down your arse and squeeze it. Then I’d like to run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet pussy, I’d like to rub it while simultaneously ripping your dress off with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly. What I ‘need’, however, is a new tie.”
My wife got run over on the way to the shops today. Luckily I found a tin of baked beans in the cupboard.
A woman was in Oxford Street on a shopping trip during the summer sales. She bought an expensive pair of shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor on the other end: “I’m sorry but your husband has just been in a terrible accident and is in a critical condition in the intensive care unit.” The woman told the doctor that she’d be there as soon as possible. As soon as she hung up, it dawned on her that she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day’s shopping ever. It was a terrible dilemma. She decided to get in a couple of more sales before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a complimentary cup of coffee and a slice of cheesecake from the last shop. She was ecstatic! Suddenly she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital and met the lady doctor in the corridor. The lady doctor glared at her. “You finished your shopping trip, didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past three hours, your husband has been in the intensive care unit. Unfortunately it will probably be the last shopping trip you ever take, because for the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care and you are now his carer!” The woman broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. The lady doctor then laughed and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What did you buy?”
A very ugly woman is walking down the supermarket aisle with her two sons. A man stops her and asks: “Excuse me, are they twins?” The woman replies: “What a stupid question. One is three years old and the other is ten. Isn’t it pretty obvious they’re not twins?” The man replies: “I thought as much. I just can’t believe someone fucked you twice.”
An elderly woman goes into fishing tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just takes one over to the counter. She says to the salesman, “Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He replies: “Madam, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.” She is sceptical but decides to humour him anyway and drops it on the counter. “That’s a six-foot graphite rod with a 404 reel and a 10-lb test line. It’s a great choice because it is on offer, this week only, for £60.” The customer is amazed. “You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “American Express, if I’m not mistaken,” he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is deeply embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way the blind shop owner could possibly tell that it was her. The blind shop owner rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be £74.50, please.” The woman is confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you say that the rod and reel were on sale for £60?” “Yes, madam.” “How did you get £74.50?” He replies: “The rod and reel are £60, the duck caller is £11 and the bag of fish bait is £3.50.”