JOKES 1100 TO 1199
1100. A father was speaking to his lazy son and says, “I'm ashamed of your laziness. Do you know that Barrack Obama walked 5 miles each day to go to school when he was about your age?” The son replied, “Yes and he was President of the U.S.A. when he was around yours!”
1101. A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colors and tested her regularly. She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the color right. One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said, “Don't you think it's time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself!?”
1102. “It is said that every fifth person in the world is Chinese. There are five in our family so it has to be one of either mum or dad, my sister Alice or my brother Hil-Chin-Yung. My money is on Alice!”
1103. The following is a letter from a son at boarding school to his father! Dear Dad, $chool is ace. I have made lot$ of new friends - $imon, $tephen and $tanley. I really can't think of any $tuff that I need just now. If it i$ okay with you though, $end me a note or letter a$ it would be $o $o nice to hear from you! Your loving $on! The reply came: Hello Son, I kNOw that EcoNOmics, oceaNOgraphy and AstrNOmy are more than eNOugh to keep you busy. The pursuit of kNOwlege is a NOble and hoNOurable task so you can never do eNOugh studying. Take care. Hope you have enjoyed receiving my NOte! Love Dad!
1104. Auntie Gertie gave Bernice a surprise $20 for her birthday asking her what she would spend it on. “I'm going to give it to Jesus at Sunday
school” she replied, “I bet he'll be surprised at getting more than 50 pence like I was!”
1105. A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and called Adjo. The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan. Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself. She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son. The sister responded, “Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Adjo!”
1106. I asked my ten year old nephew the other day, “Billy, what do you think it would take to make marriage work?” “Well, I'd tell my wife she looked lovely even if she looked like a bus!” he said.
1107. Isn't parenting strange? When you have the first child and go out in the evening, you call the babysitter atleast 5 times. When you have the second child, you leave the telephone number of where you are going to with the babysitter. When the third child arrives, you leave strict instructions that the babysitter only calls you if there is blood!
1108. Ask any father and he will say that they spent the first 18 months to 2 years trying like mad to get their daughter to speak and the next sixteen years trying to make them shut up!
1109. My daughter who was about five years of age was having trouble understanding what marriage was all about. I got out the wedding album to see if showing her through pictures would help whilst explaining the service to her. When we had finished, I asked her if she had questions. She replied, “I understand now. That's the day that you started to work for Mummy, isn't it, Daddy!?”
1110. A mother asked her son to go and get a pizza for the family supper. She gave him some money and a $2 discount voucher. When he returned with the pizza, he still had the coupon. When his mother asked for his explanation he said, “Didn't need the coupon as there was enough money without it!”
1111. 3 things to avoid saying during childbirth:
1. Are you certain there isn't another one to come out!? 2. Any chance that the baby will arrive before the Wednesday night soccer begins!? 3. The kids have just phoned. They wanted to know what you had got planned for their supper!
1112. Little Bill was on his way back from market with a box of melons which his father had asked him to pick up for him when suddenly, his cart hit a stone and the crate broke open. Melons flew everywhere but Bill was determined not to let his father down and made sure that he picked up every last melon that he could see. He feared that some were lost and that his father would be disappointed in him. “Sorry father, the crate broke and the melons went everywhere” confessed Bill, “but I did manage to retrieve ten of them.” “Good boy” chuckled his father, “I only bought a crate of seven!”
1113. A young boy says to his dad, “Dad, how much does getting married cost?” “No idea son. I haven't finished paying for it yet!”
1114. My young son was overjoyed to receive a water pistol from his Grandma for his birthday. He rushed to the kitchen to fill it. “Mother, you surprise me. Do you not remember how Timmy and I drove you mad with water pistols when we were kids?” “Oh I remember, darling” she said with a huge smile on her face!
1115. Janet has six children and although they sometimes look a bit ragged, they always seem to manage to be on time for choir on Sunday morning. Bernice, with only one child, is puzzled how she manages all six so effectively. Janet told her, “It is very simple. I get them ready on Saturday night!”
1116. A brother and sister were having an argument and neither was willing to concede. The sister said, “Barry, I will admit that I am in the wrong as long as you admit that I am in the right.” He was in agreement and asked her to go first with the admission. “I am totally in the wrong” she said. Barry, with a little glint in his eye gave her a little wink and said, “You're right!”
1117. My dad gave me this advice, “Son, there are a couple of times in a man's life when he does not understand a woman.” “What are they?” I enquired. “Before marriage and also after marriage!”
1118. As my Grandpa gets older, his memory is not quite what it was. Only the other day he asked me, “You know your younger sister, the twenty two year old, what is her age!?”
1119. My brother's fiancée’s father asked him the other day if he would be able to support a family in the future. He replied, “No sir, I had planned on supporting just your daughter; the others in the family will have to sort themselves out!”
1120. While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat. My brother seemed upset. “I don't know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday” he said. I was mortified and shouted at him, “You could have found a better way to tell me that the cat was dead. You should have told me that she fell off the roof and although the vet did his best, the injuries were too great.” “I guess you're right” agreed my brother, “it was a bit insensitive of me.” “That’s okay” I replied. “How is mother by the way?” I enquired. My brother retorted, “She fell off the roof!”
1121. A student wrote a letter 2 his dad from hostel: “Dear dad, no money, no fun, your son.” His dad replied: “Dear son, so sad, very bad, your dad!”
1122. Girl: “If you don't marry me quickly, someone is saying that he will kick me.” Boy: “Who is that, you dad or brother?” Girl: “Neither. It's our baby in my stomach!”
1123. Boy to his girlfriend: “Hey one beggar is following us.” Girlfriend: “Oh My God! It’s my father!”
1124. Girl 1: “My dad saw me on a bike with my boyfriend.” Girl 2: “What happened then?”
Girl 1: “He stopped us and thanked my boyfriend for being a driver without salary!”
1125. Son: “Dad, what is an idiot?” Dad: “An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?” Son: “No!”
1126. Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
1127. An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!"
1128. A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?" The daughter shook her head sadly, "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike" sighing deeply, she
replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you!"
1129. A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day, the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her? Mom likes her a lot?” The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.” So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said. Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!?”
1130. Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is it beef?" The daughter Katie asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked. "Nope." "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "I'll give you a clue" the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me." "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!"
1131. A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter, so he tried to impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks. "Huh?!" replied the surprised young man. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw" carefully explained the father. Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later, the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Damn it Daddy! Get it right, it's the TWIST!"
1132. A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words, she burst out crying. "But mamma...as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...please mamma!" "Now Sarah..." her mother answered, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home...please mamma!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma...words like dust, wash, iron and cook!"
1133. Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do, son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said, "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball!"
1134. A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
1135. A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the
room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
1136. The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
1137. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk! PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general loser! ARIES (Mar21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick! TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist! GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest! CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to
other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a penny. Everybody in prison is a Cancer! LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving sods and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors! VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps! LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease! SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect S.O.B.. Most Scorpios are murdered! SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day! CAPRICORN (Dec22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically spineless. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Become a monk!
1138. Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one. "What is it?" "My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?" "What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked. "Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot." "Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other. The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so
thoughtful!" Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
1139. A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer. A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her. Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?" The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule."
1140. A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No" says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
1141. One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores." A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig. When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!" Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs
and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?!"
1142. Daughter told to her mother, “Right now I have seen a healthy white big cat went out from our kitchen.” Mother told, “It is good sign and fortune to see a white big cat.” Daughter replied, “Yes fortune is that it has eaten all of your foods.”
1143. One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
1144. Irritated tenant to the land lord, “Look, the rain is simply pouring through the roof of my bed room.” Landlord replied, “Just as our contract says, Running water in every room!”
1145. A lady was pregnant. Her son asked her “Mom, What’s in u’r tummy?” Mom answered “Its a sweet, lovely baby.” Son says, “If the baby is so sweet and lovely then WHY DID U EAT IT???”
1146. Son to his mother “The people next door must be poor.” Mother
said, “Why do you say that?” The son replied, “Because they made such a fuss when the baby swallowed a ten penny coin.”
1147. A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son – to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this. The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, Junior said “the number u are trying to call is not reachable“.
1148. There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.” A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.” The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.” The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass me the fucking potatoes!!!!”
1149. Son asked the father “Worry causes tension and tension causes disease, is it true dad?” Father says, “Of course, Yes.” Son replied, “That is why I stopped worrying about my studies.”
1150. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked. “Hunting Flies” He responded. Oh!, Killed any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”.
1151. An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.” “If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?” At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him: “Then you try again…!”
1152. When the man came home, his wife was crying. “Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed. “My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked. “I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.” “And?” At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.
1153. Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions. “How does this boat float?” Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
1154. Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to getmarried to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.” We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems. The American said, Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems…
1155. A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?” The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.” A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.” The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?” The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”
1156. Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer replied,” Billy Bob’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.” “I see,” Gary said. “Well, she must have had a lot of friends.” “Naw,” the farmer said, “we just all want to buy his mule.”
1157. A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?“ “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
1158. A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what is a lover ?” “A lover!!” the grandmother said. “Let me think. Lov… Lover…. Oh, my God!” She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
1159. My friend Fred had twins. He named them Tin and Martin. Again had twins and named them Peter and Repeater. Again twins and named them Max and Climax. Again the same. Disgusted Fred named them Tired & Retired.
1160. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those
of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
1161. Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
1162. One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
1163. This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta. The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased! "What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"
1164. There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
1165. Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into
the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
1166. Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly." A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy." A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly." In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says. After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?" They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"
1167. Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
1168. John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates." A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John. John then sat down and wrote his mother the
following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son." Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
1169. A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
1170. Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the
car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
1171. One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!' The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
1172. Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed. The next morning the twins got up "what do you want for breakfast" asked there dad to which one of the twins replied "i'll have some of those fucken cornflakes thanks" his dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed. "Now what do you want for breakfast" the dad asked to the other twin. Well i won't have any of those fucken cornflakes thats for sure" the twin replied.
1173. A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Billy Bob answered, "but I don't think my Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?" "Under the wagon."
1174. Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1175. A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
1176. One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The
father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
1177. Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our
family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Yours, Your Loving Daughter.
1178. An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)." The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?" The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
1179. Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
1180. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
1181. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
1182. Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well" said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
1183. A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
1184. One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!" The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
1185. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
1186. A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The
boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
1187. A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
1188. A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that. Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house. Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything. Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes
and has take her in front of everyone. Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word. After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks. A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
1189. A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers: "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
1190. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast" he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
1191. A boy come suddenly and find out his dad having s*x with his mom. He said, "Hey dad, wha are you doing?" Dad: "I'm just making baby for you ." Boy: "So come on, have your way with me and make me a nice bike."
1192. Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate to much because you will go blind." Son say, "I'm over here!"
1193. Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story. "Once upon a time there was a white bunny....." "Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said. Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...." "Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you
promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!" "Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny......"
1194. Boy asks his Gran nervously, 'have you seen my pills... they were labeled LSD?' Gran replies 'fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!'
1195. A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" moaned the mother" she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
1196. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
1197. A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"? Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question" ... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. Dad, they both said for 1
million quid...? Definitely!!! Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags....!
1198. Mum,can i dress a bra? - No. - Why not.I am 14 years old! - How many times I will say you "no", Michael...
1199. Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom? Mom: Why? my child.. Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go to the bathroom..."