JOKES 2200 TO 2299

2200. The employer was talking with his new employee to whom he was paying only a small salary. “Your monthly salary is a very personal matter. Hence, as far as possible, do not reveal it to anyone.” “I would not dream of telling it to anyone, Sir”, retorted the young employee “I am as much ashamed of it as you are!”

2201. One fine morning, a man entered the room of his boss and asked for a day’s leave to celebrate the 3rd Anniversary. The over-curious boss asked, “The 3rd anniversary of what” “My last raise of salary!”

2202. Chris was the proprietor of a big firm but was mean with his employees. On the firm’s 25th anniversary, he offered a $5000 prize to the employee who could suggest the beat publicity idea for the firm. But he insisted upon the following conditions that the idea should cost very little, that the whole country would talk about it and that it should make many happy. Next week, he received an anonymous letter: “Jump off the top of a big tower. That will cost nothing, everyone will talk about it and atleast it will make all your employees very happy!”

2203. The employer called his secretary and said: “Ashley, look at this letter. I cannot make out whether it is from my tailor or my lawyer. They are both named Victor.” The note read: “I have begun your suit. Ready to be tried on next Thursday, Victor!”

2204. Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?” Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we’re open!”

2205. Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall!”

2206. Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off!”

2207. There was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland!”

2208. A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on!”

2209. Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there!?”

2210. Employee: “I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.” Boss: “Really? Which are the three companies?” Employee: “The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company!”

2211. Interviewer: “Do you think you can handle a variety of work?” Candidate: “Yes I think so; I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months!”

2212. TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT : SICK LEAVE POLICY SICKNESS: No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. DEATH: Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. We appreciate your cooperation, THE MANAGEMENT!

2213. Sorry, but I just don't remember where I first heard this one... At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept won, 8-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year's softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season. We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept's team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year!

2214. IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers. So why is it, again, that we work?!

2215. Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"

2216. The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John" the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is...!"

2217. Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?!"

2218. A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen" said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy!"

2219. An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels ... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes!

2220. Ten Commandments of Employment: If it rings, put it on hold. If it clunks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it's a friend, stop work and chat. If it's the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it's handwritten, type it. If it's typed, copy it. If it's copied, file it. If it's Friday, forget it!

2221. “Are you not the boy who applied for the post a week ago?” “Yes, sir.” “And did I not say, that I wanted an older boy?” “Yes sir, that is why I am here now!”

2222. Manager: “Look at all the dust on this desk! It looks as if it has not been cleaned for a fortnight.” Servant: “Don’t blame me sir, I joined duty just a week back!”

2223. A clerk asked the old office peon, “How is it that you have a black moustache but grey hair on your head?” “My dear sir, the hair of my moustache is 18 years younger than the hair on my head!”, came the prompt reply.

2224. Visitor: “How many people work here?” Employer: “Oh, one out of every ten!”

2225. The new stenographer arrived late for work. Her boss was wild with anger. He said, “You should have come here at nine!” She asked, “Why? What happened!?”

2226. “How in the world did you ever come to write a policy on a man 98 years of age?” asked an insurance official of a new agent. “Why? I checked with the census reports” explained the new agent, “according to them, only a few persons of that age die each year!”

2227. A writer went to see the editor of a magazine and said, “Here is the short story I offered you last year.” “What is the idea of bringing it back when I have rejected it last year itself?” asked the editor. “Well”, said the writer, “you have had a year’s experience since then!”

2228. The Managing Director of a company wanted the Chief Accountant of his company to put the funeral expenses of his father under the company account. When the Chief Accountant asked under what head this amount could go, the director replied, “Put it under Packing and forwarding account!”

2229. “Why is it that you only carry one plank when all the other men carry two?” the foreman asked the construction worker. “I guess the others are just too lazy to make two trips like me!” the worker replied.

2230. My boss walked past my desk and asked me, "Why are you not working?" I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir!"

2231. “Why did Banta open his lunch-box every day when driving?” “To find out if he was leaving to office or coming back to home!”

2232. A Police Officer is questioning a Bank Manager and asks if he can describe the bank cashier. The Bank Manager replies, “Well, she is about 5 feet 4 inches tall and $150,000 short!”

2233. I applied for a job with a building society the other day. I studiously completed the application form and gave it to the Manager, who read through it and when he had finished said, “With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you.” “Great” I replied. “It’s called the door” he said sternly, “Now get out!”

2234. The customer service at my local bank is so bad that yesterday, when I went and asked the bank teller if he would check my balance, he pushed me over and said, “not very good, is it!?”

2235. At my annual appraisal at work, my boss commented you give 100 per cent commitment every week. I was really pleased until he continued, “15% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 35% Wednesday, 25% Thursday and 5% Friday!”

2236. My boss called me into his office the other day and asked why I had failed to finish a particular job on time. I said to him, “You know where the train stops?” “Yes the train station” he replied. “And you know where the bus stops?” “Yes, the bus station but I fail to see....” “Well” I interrupted, “ You know I have a workstation!”

2237. A Company director was giving a speech to thank Bert for his 38 years service. He said "Bert is a man who doesn't know the meaning of words like lunch break or impossible task. This is why we have all put in to buy him a dictionary as a leaving present.

2238. Driving home one evening, my boss called me and informed me that he had promoted me. The surprise caused me to swerve the car. A few minutes later, he called again to say that he was making me vice-president of the company. The shock caused me to swerve the car more than previously. A further five minutes on, he calls me again to say that he wants me to become president. The shock causes me to completely lose control of the car and I hit a lamp post. When the police arrived and asked what caused the accident I replied, “Don’t know, I just careered off the road!”

2239. My boss told me the other day that I must love my work because he reckons that I can just sit looking at it for ages!

2240. My boss called me into his office the other day and asked me if I believed that there was life after death. I replied, “Yes, I think that there is.” “I thought so” said my boss, “Because yesterday, minutes after you took the afternoon off to attend your Grandpa's funeral, he popped by to see you!”

2241. I had a 2nd reminder from the Tax office the other day saying that my taxes were overdue. I went to pay it straight away, saying that I didn't remember getting a first reminder. “We don't send first reminders out” said the taxman, “The 2nd ones are more effective!”

2242. IT guy (Asks worker): “What do you have?” Daily Wage Construction Worker: (stays quiet) IT guy: “I have Money, Name and Stock Options. What do you have?” Daily Wage Construction Worker: “I have work!”

2243. What question do beggars and software engineers ask in common? “Which Platform you are working on?”

2244. IT Technician: “Your computer has very less processing power. That’s why it is running slow.” Dumb employee: “Can I increase voltage so that it gets more power!?”

2245. Editor: “Why did you write the story on top of the envelope and send it?” Author: “You asked me to write a Cover Story, that's why!”

2246. Funny OUT OF OFFICE replies: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position! 2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you! 3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all! 4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management! 5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received! 6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message! 7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again! 8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks! 9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response! 10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages! 11. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Debra' instead of 'John'!

2247. Boss to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..!"

2248. A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed. Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy! It's so warm in here today; I think I'll take off my ring!"

2249. One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer. I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip!?"

2250. Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way" and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses. Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!"

2251. The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

2252. One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary: "Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'. "I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, BossHappy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.' "We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. "On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' "She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' "We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. "She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."

2253. I'm tired. For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. Boy Oh Boy.. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working!

2254. A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right" said the farmer, "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah" the farmer said, "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared, "I want to talk to that halfwit!" "You're talking to him now!" said the farmer.

2255. Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

2256. The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

2257. Hilarious Resume: I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have learnt Word Perfect 6.0, computer and spreadsheet programs. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best for employers that I not work with people. I Am a perfectionist and rarely I ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. Finished eighth in my class of ten!

2258. An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor, "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back" says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines" says the visitor, "How much do you want for that whistle?!"

2259. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee". The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee". The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"? The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day!”

2260. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

2261. Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes." The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"

2262. A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’!

2263. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company!"

2264. This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody!

2265. One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. I'll just take some and be better in a second." So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says, "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking!"

2266. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss" he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss" says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

2267. Once a young man was asked in an interview, “Did you ever meet any Railway accident? The man replied: “Yes, once the train was going through a long tunnel I have kissed the father instead of his daughter.”

2268. Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!” The boy thought for awhile and said,”My choice is one really difficult question.” “Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. “What comes first, Day or Night?“ The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the answer being correct, but he thought for a while and said, “It’s DAY sir!” “How” the interviewer asked, “One question over sir!”

2269. A guy joined a new job. On the very first day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked him what he did till evening. Guy: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

2270. General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?” “Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.“ “I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.” “I’d like to see that.” So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!” “Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: “You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

2271. In light of all the recent news surrounding airline bankruptcies and mergers, you might want to heed these warning signs… 10. They hedged their fuel by buying $500 in Sam’s Club Fuel Cards. 9. The new sign in the terminal reads “BYOB” Bring Your Own Blankets. 8. The Flight Attendant asks if she can borrow your iPod touch to plug in to the video unit so they can have an in flight movie. 7. You look into the cockpit and noticed that the pilots are those blow up dummies from the movie “Airplane”. 6. There are Google Ads running on the back of all the seats. 5. Last 5 People Off the Plane Have to Clean Up. 4. In order to pay for extra fuel the dreaded “$1 for every pound you’re over 200 pounds” tax has been added to all tickets 3. All flights now will offer in air casinos. 2. The stock’s price on the screen says “Close to Zero”. 1. Good News…free drinks. Bad News……$5 for toilets!

2272. A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Feeling too much lazy”, came the reply.

2273. Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?” Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.” Staff: “How did you load the sheet?” Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

2274. A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. “I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared. Next, the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.” Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. “Oh, man this is the life,” the guy thought. “I wish I never had to work again.” And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!

2275. A man went to several places to get one job in America. Once he got an interview card from Microsoft Office. He attended the interview and qualified for the post of the “Office Boy”. Then Microsoft Office people told him “Give us your email ID, we will send you “Appointment Letter”. The man told I have no email ID. Microsoft Office people told “How funny, now-a-days is there any man without email ID?” Sorry we can not give appointment to a back dated man.”

2276. A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?” The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters… First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place” “That should have worked,” said the friend. Then these posters were pasted all over the place.” “That should have worked,” said the friend. The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”

2277. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’sTelemarketing. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.

2278. Officer: What Is Your Name? Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: Tell Me Properly. Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir Officer: Your Father’s Name? Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: What Does That Mean? Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir Officer: Your Native Place Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh? Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir Officer: What Is Your Qualification? Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: (angrily) What Is It? Candidate: Metric Pass Officer: Why Do You Need A Job? Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: And What Does That Mean? Candidate: Money Problem Sir Officer: Describe Your Personality Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now. Candidate: M P . Sir Officer: What Is It Now Candidate: My Performance. ..? Officer: M.P!!! Candidate: What Is That Sir? Officer: Mental Problems

2279. 10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work: 1. Never walk without a document in your hands 2. Use computers to look busy 3. Messy desk 4. Put your phone in voice mail 5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed 6. Leave the Office Late 7. Creative Sighing for Effect 8. Stacking Strategy 9. Build Vocabulary 10. MOST IMPORTANT!!!: DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

2280. The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 5. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 6. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 7. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 8. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 9. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

2282. A person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, forgot laughter were called “SAINTS” But now they are called…. “IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”

2283. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

2284. A very successful partner in a big firm had a peculiar habit. He would go to his desk everyday, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. This continued for many days. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity. Then, one day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside – it said – “Left is debit and right is credit.”

2285. A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time. Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: “1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

2286. One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.” The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?” The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.” The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?” The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally says, “I light the dumpster on fire.” The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?” The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”

2287. What these words on yearly performance reviews really mean: OUTGOING PERSONALITY – Always going out of the office GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS – Spends lots of time on phone ACTIVE SOCIALLY – Drinks a lot INDEPENDENT WORKER – Nobody knows what he/she does WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY – Too ugly to get a date USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS – Gets someone else to do it HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES – Is tall or has a louder voice EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT – Lucky CAREER MINDED – Back stabber LOYAL – Can’t get a job anywhere else OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION – Gets to work on time EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL – Speaks English RELAXED ATTITUDE – Sleeps at desk

2288. Once a peon of an office trying to speak in English to a guest. Then the guest appreciate him and told “From where you have learned to talk English?” The peon replied “I have learned, ‘You understand?’ from our MD, ‘I love you’ from the TV and ‘Good Morning’ from our receptionist madam.

2289. Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your… Customer : Hello, can I order.. Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir? Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610 Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir? Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers? Operator : We are connected to the system Sir. Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza… Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir. Customer : How come? Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir Customer : What?… What do you recommend then? Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it Customer : How do you know for sure? Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir. Customer : OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost? Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99! Customer : Can I pay by! creditcard? Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Yourcredit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housingloan, Sir. Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives. Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway? Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle… Customer : What! Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123… Operator : Is there anything else Sir? Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised? Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic……. Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^ Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…? Customer : Faints…..

2290. A man goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?” The clerk replies, “That is a thermos flask.” The man then asks, “What does it do?” The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.” The man says, “I’ll take it!” The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss sees him and asks, “What is that shiny object with you?” He said, “It’s a thermos flask.” The boss then says, “What does it do?” He replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?” The man replies, “Two cupsofcoffee and a coke.”

2291. Hotel Management gave advertisement for a good cook to recruit. One cook has sent one application as follows: “Dear Sir, I am a good cooker. If you appoint me, I am sure I will be able to cook you. When I was working earlier in a hotel I cooked them all.”

2292. Operator: Yes, you can speak to me. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this? Caller: I’m Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about? Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I’m Saw Ree. Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name! Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree… Caller: Oh… God!!

2293. Customer : “How much is that banana for?” Salesperson : “$1.00″ Customer : “Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?” Salesperson : “At that rate, you’ll only get the banana peel!” Customer : “Okay… I’ll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!”

2294. “How come you’re late?” asks the Manager as Bill walks in the door. “It was awful,” Bill explains. “I was walking down Mall road and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the road. He’d been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute.” “What did you do?” asks the Manager. Bill says, “I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep myself from fainting!”

2295. One day evening Lionel starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way… Friend : Why are you pushing your scooter manually? Lionel: I forgot to bring the scooter key from my home. Friend : Is it! then, how did you come to office from home in the morning? Lionel : I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning.

2296. A furniture dealer decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to abroad to see what he could find. After arriving some other country he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat. Before long, a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something which he did not understand and motioned toward the Chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not knew English so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business.

2297. Four friends wanted to open an auto repair shop. They bought the best car servicing equipment and soon inaugurated the repair shop. They all waited eagerly on the inaugural day; but no customer arrived. A couple of days passed, there were no cars that came in for repairs. A week, then a month went by, there were no cars. After all, how could cars come in, they had put up their garage on the second floor.

2298. Daniel joined a big MNC as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,“ Get me a coffee quickly!” The voice from the other side responded,“You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?” “No”, replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!” Daniel shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?” “No”, replied the Managing Director. “Good!”, he replied and put down the phone!

2299. The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!"