Julie was in bed waiting for her new lover to strip off. When he did, she was so amazed at the size of his todger, she jumped out of bed and rummaged in her handbag. What are you doing? said the surprised man. I'm looking for a pencil, you've got to draw the line somewhere.

A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman's magazine that the bigger the mans feet, the bigger his todger. This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen. Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed. The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly, Next time, wear shoes that fit you.

Hello, hello, is that the vet? said the distressed man. Our dog has just swallowed a condom, what can I do? Calm down, Sir, nothing to get too alarmed over, just keep the dog rested and Ill be over after surgery. Surgery ended and the vet decided to ring first. Hello, its the vet here, how are things? Oh everythings alright now, replied the man. My girlfriend found another condom in the bathroom cabinet.

Two girls boasting about their boyfriends. Jacks unbelievable, said the first girl. He walks right up to me and puts it straight in. That's nothing, said the second girl. Bob puts it in and then walks straight up to me!

The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. I think you're so gorgeous, if I paid you £250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body? Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, I don't know, I don't know. Eventually, she asked, Why do you keep saying I don't know? Well, I don't know how I'm going to pay you, he replied.

Johnny's time at the pickle factory didn't last long. He'd only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated. Whats wrong? asked his friend. Ive got this terrible urge to put my willy in the pickle slicer. Aagh! it'll all end in tears, you've got to overcome this feeling. Johnny promised he'd try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well pissed off. Whats wrong, you didn't weaken and put your willy in the pickle slicer. I did, replied Johnny, and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer she was fired too.

A nymphomaniac was walking home late at night when she was attacked and raped by a man who had been lying in wait. When it was over he turned to her and said, What are you going to do now? I'm going to run home and tell my flatmate Ive been raped twice unless you're not tired yet, she replied.

Oh my darling, do you always kiss with your eyes closed? whispered the smitten young man. Only when I have to kiss you, she replied.

Oh Tracy, I love you, he simpered. Please tell me theres no one else in your life. Of course there's no one else, she replied. Do you think Id go to the cinema with a nerd like you, if there was another man?

The man was desperate. But Julie, the size of a mans tackle isn't everything. Don't you think a mans personality is more important? She replied, But you haven't much of a personality either!

The boy was so frustrated. Hed been seeing this girl for over a month but apart from some kissing and cuddling, he'd never made a move on her because he was embarrassed at the small size of his willy. Eventually, he plucked up all his courage took it out and placed it in her hand. No thanks, she said, I don't smoke.

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend. Lets just say my legs are my best friends, she replied mysteriously. Oh come on, said her mate. What does that mean? It means he came on too strong so I walked home. A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girls mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night. Pretty much as before, she replied. My legs are my best friends. Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy. You're looking well, commented her mate. Somethings doing you good. Oh yes, replied the girl. Ive met this wonderful bloke and lets just say even the best of friends must part.

It was 11.30 at night as the young couple made their way back from the pub. Suddenly they could contain their passion no longer and stopping by a fence he took her there and then. Unfortunately their excitement was so boisterous that the fence was knocked down and the sound brought the householder storming down the garden. What the hell's going on? he yelled. I want £60 now to repair that bloody fence. The man paid up and later when they were alone, he turned to his girlfriend and said, Come on, Sylvie, you're always on about equal rights, how about giving me half towards the fence? Get real! she answered. You were the one doing all the pushing.

Oh my darling, whispered the passionate young man. Am I the first man you've ever made love to? Yes, yes, she replied, looking bored. Why do men always ask the same silly question?