JOKES 3600 TO 3699

3600. FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up! FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house! NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"! GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it! LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"! THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake! THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome!

3601. With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they wanted to have a look at the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later, they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it!"

3602. A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register and in the meantime, the woman breaks wind bigtime. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

3603. A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby. "Help! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!" A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then the goalkeeper, stepped forward. "I'm a professional goalkeeper" he called to the woman, "I'm renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball." The woman agreed: "Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball." On count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street!

3604. A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book" she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you" says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment!" MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads!

3605. A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents" she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

3606. A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, “This is our number one sport.” The horrified woman said, “Isn’t that revolting?” “No” the guide replied, “revolting is our number two sport!”

3607. A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine’s Day cards for her son and father. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her. She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for exhusbands." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes mam, they do, but they’re in Sporting Goods." "Really?" exclaimed the woman. "Yes mam. They’re called darts!"

3608. 'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. 'They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?' 'Could you possibly give us a demonstration?' asked an awed member of the audience. 'I'm sorry, not tonight,' said the professor, 'Solution A has a headache!'

3609. Question: What does a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have in common? Answer: They all get the house!

3610. Wife #1: “Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?” Wife #2: “Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'” Wife #1: “But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?” Wife #2: “My husband's name is Andrew!”

3611. “Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.” ”Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough!”

3612. Interpretation of women’s statements: 10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance'! 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad! 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on! 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing! 6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's! 5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building! 4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you! 3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you! 2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you! 1. Let’s be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing!

3613. Actual meaning of women’s statements: Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to! We need = I want! Do what you want = You'll pay for this later! I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....! Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive! How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like! I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV! Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful! You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me! Yes = No! No = No! Maybe = No! I'm sorry = You'll be sorry! This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house! Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it!

3614. 1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored! 2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic! 3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources! 4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest! 5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?!

3615. There once was a town named after a famous fat person, Brenda Butler, named the Butler City. There was a city next door named the B.O. City, as you can guess by the name it stunk. The Butler City residents thought that it was a good name, since it stunk and the name had something to do with that, so they thought they should change there name to something like that but have it still relate to the famous Brenda Butler. Finally they had it. They decided to switch around the letters of the town next door. Now that city is the O.B. City!

3616. In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole!"

3617. Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies. Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it!

3618. A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago?”, the homeless woman replied. “Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked “No, I don’t waste time shopping?”, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.” “Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked. “Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!” “Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.” The woman replied, “That’s Okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

3619. Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can’t b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?

3620. What is ABCDEFG? A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl! But what is GFEDCBA? Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

3621. Two girls are talking about their future husband. One is telling that she will marry An archeologist. Second girl asked why? She told, “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have.The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

3622. One lady is telling to a girl, “Do you know what is the secret of being young? The girl told, “May be take care of skin.“ The lady told, “No, the secret of being young is sleep the right numbers of hours, go with the right crowed, eat right food and tell the WRONG AGE.”

3623. Two friend are talking about different issues. Suddenly one asked to another “Do you know about the worries of Man and Woman?” Another friend replied, “NO.” Then the friend replied, “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.“

3624. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

3625. Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

3626. A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin and said, “For best results put on two coats.”

3627. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

3628. Q: How are women and a hurricane alike? A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.

3629. An old man in a nursing home was celebrating his 83rd birthday. One of the female residents stopped by his room to say hi. "how are you doing today?" she asked. "I'm celebrating my birthday, today," the man told the woman,"guess how old I am." "Drop your pants and let me feel your balls," she said. The old man looked around and decided no one was watching, so he did as the woman said, and she began to feel his balls with her hand. "you're 83," she said. "how did you know?" the old man replied. "you told me yesterday."

3630. Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt." On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway." The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing." All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid. She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?" He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead." She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?"

3631. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

3632. ABC's of ex girlfriends: A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred dollars a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

3633. 10 Reasons Not To Jog: 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 dollars. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

3634. A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

3635. He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

3636. Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived. "Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied. "Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked. After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

3637. Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy." Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

3638. You know you are addicted to coffee if, -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. -You sleep with your eyes open. -You have to watch videos in fast-forward. -The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. -You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. -You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. -You chew on other people's fingernails. -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

3639. Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."

3640. A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

3641. Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

3642. Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

3643. Advantages Of Being A Woman: 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 4. Taxis stop for us. 5. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 6. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 9. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 10. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 11. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

3644. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

3645. A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

3646. Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello! We're down here..."

3647. A Woman's Random Thoughts Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat." They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

3648. Facts of Life: Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

3649. How To Drive Your Wife Crazy: Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case." Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today. Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish." Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 810 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?" When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get

the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?" On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married. Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on. When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes. Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do? I never had a problem with it."

3650. Things Only Women Understand: 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN

3651. "My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" Unknown

3652. A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

3653. During a war warrior shouted against 3 ladies. Warrior: I am going to r*pe you all. Younger lady: But please leave our grand mother. Grand mother: Shut up, war is war.

3654. Girl: What if a boy hugs me? Mom: Say Don't Girl: What if he kisses me? Mom: Say stop. The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!

3655. A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain!!!"

3656. Scientists finally found what was wrong with the female brain. They said the left side had nothing right and the right side had nothing left.

3657. A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste... All of a sudden the salesman asks her: - You're single, aren't you? A bit surprised woman smiles and answers: - That's right, but how did you guessed that? - Because you're so ugly.

3658. An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting. A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle. "Pullover!" the cop says, "No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"

3659. A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

3660. You must keep in shape. My grandmother started walking five kilometers when she was 60 and now she's 97, and we don't have a clue where she is!

3661. There were 3 women going into a bus. The first one dropped her wallet and had blue pants on and the bus driver said u must support Chelsea. An hour later another women went on a bus and dropped her bag and as she bent down she had red pants on, so the bus driver said you must support Manchester united. Then straight after another women walked in and fell and had no pants on so the bus driver said you must support Arsenal.

3662. Ther are 3 girls in a car and a genie pops up and says you have 3 whishes... I wish I was 50% smarter Poof your a Brunette head... I wish I was 100% smarter, poof your a blonde head... I Wish I was 100% Dumber, poof your a Man..

3663. A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem." The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?" The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?" She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"

3664. Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain. She asks the doctor what he has on sale. "Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100." Surprised she asks why the price difference? "Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"

3665. A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future: “Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.” To which the lady replies, “Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!”

3666. 2 girls meet: - me & my husband are no longer together... - why? - well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses? - no, of course I couldn't! - well he couldn't either!

3667. A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me." Clerk, "me too..."

3668. Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job. You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while. She tells her friends, " I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom." "Why, what's his new job?" " He's an embalmer."

3669. A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

3670. There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at choosing girls so he has a contest. First one to get as many ping pong balls as they can is my wife. The first girl brings back a whole bucket of them. the guy goes good, good. The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping pong balls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat." Then the 3 girl comes back all bloody and bruised and is holding 2 big bloody things. The guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong balls." "Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I thought you said King Kong's balls."

3671. My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing YOGA to treat the problem. Soon her finger-nails started growing normally. Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem. "No," she replied with a funny sweet smile, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

3672. A girl went to a shop to buy her country flag. On seeing the flag, she said something that confused and irritated the shopkeeper. Guess what did sexy girl say... "Show me some more colors."

3673. At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.” “I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.” “You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted. “I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

3674. A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men… The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?” The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT , there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

3675. A 60 year old woman was walking along when she heard a voice from above “You will live to be 100.” She looked around and didn t see anyone. Again she heard “You will live to be 100.” Oh! she thought to herself that was the voice of God. I’ve got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon s office, she got hit by a bus and died and went up to heaven. She said to God, “You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?” God said, “I didn’t recognize you”.

3676. One big ship suddenly falls in danger in mid sea and sea water entered in to the ship. Everybody was running fast here and there. A young couple have seen that one very old lady is also running but she has picked up her skirt upto her heap. So they told the old lady “Granny, why did you lift up your skirt, pls put it down.” The old lady told “Oh no no, my 85 years old body people can see no problem but my costly skirt I can not let it be destroyed.

3677. Lady: Is this my train? Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

3678. A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, “Of course they were cleaned Father. They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.“ He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells: “Here Soap! Here Water!”

3679. Two elderly ladies were aboard an airliner for their first flight. One asked the cabin attendant if they would be flying faster than sound. “No”, smiled the attendant, “Not this flight.” “Oh, I am so glad” said one of the ladies, “We want to talk!”

3680. Your mama is so ugly, that she made a blind kid cry.

3681. Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?" and she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."

3682. Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

3683. Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

3684. Yo mamma so stupid she tried to eat her iPhone because it had an apple on it!

3685. Yo mamma so stupid she stared at a orange juice carton just because it said concentrate.

3686. Yo mama is so fat she doesn't need the internet. She is already WORLD WIDE!

3687. Yo mama is so fat when she sat on WALMART she lowered the price.

3688. Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back.

3689. Your mama so fat, she walked by the TV and I missed half my show.

3690. You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang, "We are family."

3691. Yo mama so poor, when I ring the door bell, she yells: DING DONG!

3692. Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

3693. Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.

3694. Yo mamma so stupid she puts a piece of paper on the TV and says, "I'm watching paper-view."

3695. Yo Mama so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!

3696. Yo mama so dumb, when she tried to commit suicide she jumped out of the basement window.

3697. Yo mama so stupid she stole a free sample.

3698. Yo mamma so ugly when she was walking to the bank. They turned of the security cameras.

3699. Yo mama so slow that when she tried to cross the road she got a parking ticket.