Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
***
Yo momma's so poor, she has to hang toilet paper out to dry.
***
Yo momma's so poor , when I stepped on a lit match in her house, she yelled "Who turned off the furnace"!
***
Yo momma's so poor, she can't get rid of the roaches in her house 'cause they pay half the rent! ***
Yo momma's feet are so crusty, when she walks on a wooden floor , it sounds like she's tap dancing.
***
Yo momma's like a pie, everybody gets a piece.
***
Yo momma's so fat that when she asked for a water bed, they threw a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.
***
Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy!
***
Your momma's so fat, your family pictures have to be taken by a
satellite!
***
Your momma's like the village bicycle, everybody gets a ride.
***
Yo momma's got a party in her mouth tonight, and everybody's cumming.
***
Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.
***
Yo mama so skinny her pajamas only have one stripe.
***
Yo momma's so fat, she irons her clothes on the drive way!
***
Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving.
***
Yo momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Egypt claimed her for the new world!
***
Yo momma's so ugly when you look up "ugly" in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!
***
Yo momma is so short, she does back
flips under the bed!
***
Yo momma is like a shotgun, one cock and she'll blow
***
Yo momma's so fat she can't even fit in the chat room.
***
Yo, Momma's so fat she gets her toenails painted at Lucky's Auto
Body.
***
Your momma's armpits so stinky that she put on Right Guard and it went left. ***
Yo momma's like a Chewing Gum machine - 4 pence per blow.
***
Your mom got more crack than Harlem.
***
Yo mommas so dirty, she turned the local swimming baths into the dead sea.
***
Yo momma's so scary, she frightens the cockroaches away.
***
Your momma so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
***
Your momma's like a hardware store, 3 cents a screw.
***
Your momma's house is so small, when you buy a large pizza you have to go outside and eat it
***
Your momma's so hairy they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower!
***
Yo momma's got more mileage than a New York city taxi.
***
Yo momma's face is so pimply that her tears need a 5x5 to get down her face.
***
Yo mama so stupid she tried to alphabetise a bag of M&M's.
***
Your mama so ugly she makes cry.
***
Yo momma so poor , the burglars break in and leave money.
***
Yo momma so fat the last time she saw 90310 was on the scale!
***
Yo momma so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and everyone ran for the
border .
***
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!
***
Yo momma is like a bowling ball, gets picked up fingered, thrown in the gutter and bitch comes back for more.
***
Your mamma is so poor she was kicking
a can down the street, asked what she was doing and she said moving.
***
Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she comes out slow.
***
Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!
***
Your mom is like a race car driver , she burns 50 rubbers a day.
***
Your momma is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.
***
Your mothers so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
***
Yo momma's so stupid she thought a quarterback is a refund.
***
Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving.
***
Yo momma's hair so greasy when she gets in the car the oil light comes on.
***
Yo momma is a carpenter's dream...she's flat as a board and she's never been screwed.
***
Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
***
Yo momma is so fat her blood type is the rocky road.
***
Yo momma is so fat when God said let there be light, he said move your fat butt out of the way.
***
Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a parked car .
***
Yo momma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.
***
Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
***
Your mom's so fat when she dances the band skips.
***
Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.
***
Your mother's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks.
***
Your mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
***
Your mother's so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.
***
Your mother's so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.
***
Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
***
Your mother's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
***
Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!
***
Your mom's so fat, when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling, "Free Willie!"
***
Your mom's so big, she plays marbles
with planets.
***
Your mom's so fat, her belt size is the equator .
***
Your mom's so fat, she has to buy two airplane tickets.
***
Your mom's so fat when she turns around they throw her a welcome
back party.
***
Your mom's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.
***
Your mom's so fat when she took her dress to the cleaners they told her , "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
***
Your mom's so fat, the back of her neck
looks like a pack of franks.
***
Your mom's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar .
Your mom's so big when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white.
***
Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
***
Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
***
Your mothers so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
***
Your mothers so fat, she's on a light diet...as soon as it gets light out she starts eating.
***
Your mothers so big that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles.
***
Your mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.
***
Your mother's head is so big, it shows up on radar .
***
Your mothers so fat, when she went to the beach, she was the only one that got a tan.
***
Your mothers so fat your bathtub has stretch marks.
***
Your mothers so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."
***
Your mothers so fat, she got a run in her jeans.
***
Your mothers so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.
***
Your mothers so fat, she sells shade in the summer .
***
Your mothers so fat, she left the house with high-heels and came back with flipflops.
***
Your mothers so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.
***
Your mothers so fat, she influences the tides.
***
Your mothers so fat, when she fell over , she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
***
Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.
***
Your mothers so fat, she has her own area code.
***
Your mothers so fat, they got her face on the Crisco can.
***
Your mothers so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said: "Sorry, we don't do livestock."
***
Yo mama so fat, were in her right now.
***
Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her .
***
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
***
Yo mama so fat, every time someone says "Kool Aid" she busts through the
wall.
***
Yo mama so fat, her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
***
Yo mama so fat, you have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her
***
Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick
with a paint-roller
***
Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
***
Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.
***
Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her what's
she doing and she said, she was sending a voicemail.
***
Yo momma so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
***
Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F .C!
***
Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
***
Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix it."
***
Yo mama so ugly when Santa came down the chimney he said ho! ho! hoooollly shit!
***
Yo momma so stupid that she brought a ruler to bed to see how long she could sleep.
***
Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.
***
Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
***
yo momma so stupid when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV she chased after them shouting ''wait you forgot the remote''.
***
Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
***
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.
***
Your mama is so ugly, that she made a blind kid cry.
***
Yo momma so fat when she fell, no one laughed, but the ground started cracking up.
***
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale it says TO BE CONTINUED...
***
Yo mama's so fat when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast is clear ."
***
Your mama so ugly, when she went to a stripping club, they paid her to keep her clothes on.
***
Yo mama is so fat every time she sits
down they add another country to the map.
***
Yo mama so fat even dora can't explore her.
***
Yo Momma is so fat… That she broke a branch in her family tree!
***
Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her.
***
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says 'expired.'
***
Yo momma so fat when she went to the circus the little girl asked if she could ride the elephant.
***
Your momma so fat... She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller .
***
Yo momma's so ugly, the army doesn't use guns anymore – they use her picture.
***
Yo momma so ugly that when she smiles in the mirror the reflection doesn't smile back.
***
Yo mamma is so fat, she got hit by a car and said: Who threw that rock???
***
Yo' Mama is so poor , she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
***
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids.
***
Yo momma so fat she downloads
cheats for Wii Fit.
***
Yo momma is so stupid she stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate.
***
Yo momma so fat, she fell into a black hole and it clogged!
***
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a
doughnut cause it had a hole in it.
***
Your mamma is so fat when she steps on the scales it says one at a time, please.
***
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
***
Yo mama is so fat, the army used her
pants for a parachute.
***
Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.
***
Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.
Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers said I give up.
***
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
***
Yo mamas so fat that when she stepped on a scale, buzz lightyear came out and said: "to infinity and beyond!"
***
Yo momma so stupid when she went to Subway, she asked for a ticket to
Chicago.
***
Your mom is so stupid she tried to drown a fish.
***
Yo mama is so fat she fell in love and broke it.
***
Yo mama's so fat when she sat on a tree it made paper.
***
Your momma so fat... I ran around her twice and got lost.
***
Yo mama so stupid she tried to make an appointment with Dr.pepper
***
Yo mama's so fat, that her MySpace has no space.
***
Your mama's so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
***
Yo Mommas so fat it took me a bus and two trains just to get on her good side.
***
Yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out the
basement window.
***
Your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear taillights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt.
*** Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car!
***
Yo Momma is so fat… That she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
***
Yo momma so dumb she threw a ball at the ground and missed.
***
Yo mamma so ugly that her birth certificate came with an apology letter from the condom factory.
***
"Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!"
***
Your momma so fat when she steps on the scales her phone number came up.
***
Yo mama is so ugly, she couldn't join an ugly contest, because was treated as a professional.
***
Yo mama so fat she got a parking ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
***
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
***
Yo' mama so fat, people exercise by doing laps 'round her!
***
Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee I slept with yo mama now it burns when I pee.
***
You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang, "We are family."
***
Yo Mama so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!
***
Yo mamma is so fat, her diet pills say M & M.
***
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.
***
Yo mama so stupid she stuck her face into a book to make a Facebook.
***
Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh
my God, it's coming towards us!"
***
Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
***
Yo mamma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
***
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered
her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
***
Yo momma's so fat; she's on both sides of the family!
***
Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
***
Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got
jealous.
***
Yo mama so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.
***
Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk, white and chunky.
***
Yo Mama's so fat that when she bends over , the whole country enters
daylight saving.
***
Yo' Mama is so fat when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
***
Yo momma's so fat... Your family portrait has stretch marks
***
Yo momma so old... She left her purse on Noah's Ark.
***
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she asked if her drug test was multiple choice.
***
Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern gets better dental work then she does.
***
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her zits don't want to be seen with her .
***
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her zits don't want to be seen with her.
***
Yo mama is so fat when she left the room everyone could breathe again.
***
Yo Momma so fat that when she puts on her yellow raincoat and walks down the street people shout out cab!
***
Yo mama is so fat, she needs two Facebook accounts for her profile picture.
***
Yo mama is so stupid that she bought curtains for her computer just because it had Windows.
***
Yo mama so fat when she burped New Orleans thought Katrina came back to
finish the job.
***
Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
***
Yo Mama so old... She's got Adam and Eve's autograph.
***
Yo momma is so fat when she walked by the TV I missed 3 episodes!
***
Yo mama so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death! Yo mama so dumb she stole a free cookie!
***
Yo mama is so fat that she could sell shade.
***
Yo mama so poor that when I stepped on a cigarette she said: "who turned
off the heat?"
***
Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.
***
Yo' Mama is so poor when I asked where her bathroom was, she said, " the Fourth bottle from the left."
***
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a
train track, the warning lights went on.
***
Yo mama so fat she has more rolls than a bakery.
***
Yo mamma so stupid she tried to eat her iPhone because it had an apple on it!
***
Yo Momma's so fat that while she's sitting on the beach, the lifeguard
comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mate, but the tide wants to come in."
***
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
***
Yo mama so nasty that when she goes to the universal studio's children follow her shouting "Shrek! Shrek!"
***
Yo momma's so fat... When a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up!
***
Yo' Mama is so nasty, it sounds like Velcro when she takes her panties off.
***
Yo' mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.
***
Your mama so fat she was going to Walmart tripped over Kmart and landed right on target!
***
Yo mamma's so fat that she had to get baptized at Seaworld.
***
Yo Mama so fat and old that when God said “Let there be light”, he told her to move her fat butt out of the way.
***
Yo Mama so fat at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
***
Yo Mama so fat even her Myspace has no space.
***
Yo Mama so fat even her shadow has stretch marks.
***
Yo Mama so fat every time she sits down they add another country to the map.
***
Yo Mama so fat every time she turns around, it's her birthday.
***
Yo Mama so fat every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
***
Yo Mama so fat her belly button gets home 15 mins before she does.
***
Yo Mama so fat her idea of dieting is deleting the cookies from her internet cache.
***
Yo Mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs.
***
Yo Mama so fat her shadow weighs 35 pounds.
***
Yo Mama so fat I can stand on her belly and high five God.
***
Yo Mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
***
Yo Mama so fat I told her to haul ass and she had to make two trips.
***
Yo Mama so fat I took a picture of her at Christmas and it’s still printing.
***
Yo Mama so fat I tried to hang a picture of her on my wall, and my wall fell over.
***
Yo Mama so fat if she buys a fur coat a species will be extinct.
***
Yo Mama so fat if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it.
***
Yo Mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her .
***
Yo Mama so fat she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
***
Yo Mama so fat she can’t fit in any timeline.
***
Yo Mama so fat she can’t fit in this joke.
***
Yo Mama so fat she doesn’t skinny dip, she chunky dunks.
***
Yo Mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
***
Yo Mama so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it’s-coming-towards-us!
***
Yo Mama so fat she goes to KFC and licks other peoples’ fingers.
***
Yo Mama so fat she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
***
Yo Mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has a sock for each toe.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has her own ozone layer.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has her own zip code.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has more rolls than a bakery.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has to put her boobs in the back seat to drive.
***
Yo Mama so fat she has two watches; one for each time zone she’s in.
***
Yo Mama so fat she hasn’t got cellulite, she’s got call heavy.
***
Yo Mama so fat she influences the tides.
***
Yo Mama so fat she jumped off the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
***
Yo Mama so fat she laid on the beach
and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water .
***
Yo Mama so fat she leaves footprints in concrete.
***
Yo Mama so fat she needs a GPS to find her ass hole.
***
Yo Mama so fat she pulls her pants
down and her ass is still in them.
***
Yo Mama so fat she puts on a black bathing suit and gets in the ocean, everyone screams “Oil spill!”
***
Yo Mama so fat she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
***
Yo Mama so fat she sat on a quarter
and squished a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
***
Yo Mama so fat she sat on the corner and the police came and said, “Break it up!”
***
Yo Mama so fat she sat on Walmart and lowered the prices.
***
Yo Mama so fat she shows up on radar.
***
Yo Mama so fat she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said HD.
***
Yo Mama so fat she sued Xbox 360 for guessing her weight.
***
Yo Mama so fat she walked in front of the TV and I missed the whole Titanic
movie.
***
Yo Mama so fat she was diagnosed with the flesh eating bacteria and the doctors gave her 87 years to live.
***
Yo Mama so fat she's got an eating disorder . She eats disorder , and date order , and everybody else's order too.
***
Yo Mama so fat she’s got more chins than a Honk Kong phone book.
***
Yo Mama so fat she’s got to iron her pants on the driveway.
***
Yo Mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family.
***
Yo Mama so fat that even Dora
couldn’t explore her .
Yo Mama so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.
***
Yo Mama so fat that she doesn’t need the internet; she’s already world wide.
***
Yo Mama so fat that when she bends over, the whole country enters daylight saving.
***
Yo Mama so fat that when she farted she started global warming.
***
Yo Mama so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs.
***
Yo Mama so fat that when she fell from her bed she fell from both sides.
***
Yo Mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she burped New Orleans thought Katrina had come back to finish the job.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she cuts she bleeds gravy.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says “To be continued.”
***
Yo Mama so fat when she goes swimming the whales start singing “We Are Family”.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she jumped in the ocean she said “Beat that Moses.”
***
Yo Mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, Buzz Lightyear popped out and said: "To infinity and beyond!"
***
Yo Mama so fat when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she was in school she sat by everybody.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her ass back in the water.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she went to the circus the little girl asked if she could ride the elephant.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she’s going on an airplane, she has to pay baggage fees for her ass.
***
Yo Mama so fat when she goes to an All You Can Eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
***
Yo Mama so fat whenever she goes to
the beach the tide comes in.
***
Yo Mama so fat you could slap her butt and ride the waves.
***
Yo Mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Women jokes
In this section, you will find lots of funny jokes about women. This is perhaps one of the most popular topics, as both men and women like to joke about women. Read our jokes and charge with a great mood for a long time! Now you will have something to tell friends and girlfriends!
Q: How do you blind a woman? A: You put a windshield in front of her .
***
Q: Why are women like clouds? A: Eventually they go away and it's a good day.
***
Q: What is loud and obnoxious? A: A woman. A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
***
Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Because women make it hard! ***
Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them.
***
Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole? A: SINGLE!
***
Q: What's the most common sleeping position of a woman? A: Around.
***
Q: What do you call a woman with no clitoris? A: It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.
***
Q: What book do women like the most? A: This is "Their husband's checkbook!"
***
Q: Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner? A: She had to buy a dust yourself kit
***
Q: Whats another meaning for women? A: Finger puppet
***
Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
***
Q: What do you call a letter from a feminist? A: Hate male.
***
Q: What is the definition of eternity?
A: The time that elapses from when you come till she goes.
***
Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? A: She fits into your wife's clothes.
***
Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
***
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? A: a knife has a point.
***
Q: How much money do you need to satisfy a woman? A: It is always just a little bit more.
***
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
***
Q: What do you call a woman who will give blowjobs for a pair of Jimmy Choos? A: Head Over Heels
***
Q: How is a woman like an airplane? A: Both have cockpits.
***
Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces? A: 6 Women drivers.
***
Q: Why does Beyonce say to the left to the left to the left and not to the right to the right to the right? A: Women don't have rights.
***
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can't stand to see a man have a
good time!
***
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: A $100 bill.
***
Q: What do you give a woman with everything? A: Penicillin.
***
Q: What do you call a woman covered in tattoos? A: Muriel.
***
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
***
Q: What is woman spelled backward? A: Kitchen. Female Viagra has been around for years......it's called money!
***
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator is easier to defrost.
***
Q: What do toys and women's breasts have in common? A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with
***
Q: What is love? A: The delusion that one woman differs from another. Monkeys and girls both are same. they fight only for Banana, Boys and rats are same they search only holes.
***
Q: What do you call a girl with Pms and Esp? A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.
***
Q: What's the difference between a
woman and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't mean when you put meat in it.
***
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job? A: After five years your job still sucks.
***
Q: Why did God create lesbians? A: So feminists couldn't breed.
***
Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
***
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: Because they don't have balls.
***
Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.
***
Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced.
***
Q: What do you call a sunburnt girl with a yeast infection? A: Grilled cheese
***
Q: What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women.
***
Q. Why do women talk so much? A. Because they have two sets of lips.
***
Q: What worse than finding out your wife's got cancer? A: Finding out it's curable.
***
Q: What's the difference between your bonus and your dick? You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
***
Q: Why is a female like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
***
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $4.99 a minute.
***
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? A: It's Braille for "suck here".
***
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
***
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
***
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, feminists can't change anything.
***
Q: What do you call a woman who can't
make sandwiches? A: Single.
***
Q: What do you call a married woman vacuuming? A: Doing what he's told...
***
Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection? A: So women know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
***
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time.
***
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs.
***
Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato want?
A: A sweet potato.
***
Q: What is a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in.
***
Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes.
***
Q: Why did God create orgasms?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy.
***
Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? A: When the old one expects you to "do your share"
***
Q: Why did God make women? A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes?
***
Q: What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? A: You can't jelly a dick down a woman's throat
***
Q: What do you call a woman with an opinion? A: Wrong.
***
Q: What do you call a woman who can't draw?
A: Tracy.
***
Q: What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common? A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.
***
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A: Marry It!
Men Jokes
Well since there are jokes about women so there surely are the jokes about men! So, in this section, you will find a variety of jokes about men, their character, conversations, and habits! Enjoy funny jokes! Charge with the positive and good mood for a long time!
Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom? A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
***
Q: What's the most comfortable sleeping position of a man? A: Around.
***
Q: What does a penis and an ego have in
common? A: All men have one!
***
Q: What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A: A power failure.
***
Q: There are three words to ruin a man's ego... A: "Is it in?" ***
What is the difference between a man and a vulture? A vulture waits until you're dead before ripping your heart out.
***
Q: How can you tell if your man is happy? A: Who cares?
***
Q: How many knees do men really have? A: 3.... left knee, right knee, and their
wee-knee.
***
Q: When would you want a man's company? A: When he owns it.
***
Q: What do you give a man with everything? A: Penicillin.
***
Q: Why do only 15 percent of men make it to heaven? A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
***
Q: What do you call a guy who Masturbates more than twice a day? A: A Terrorist
***
Q: What do you call a man with an opinion? A: Wrong.
***
Q: Why don't women blink during sex? A: There isn't enough time.
***
Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: A woman to show him how to work it.
***
Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven? A: They never stop to ask directions
***
Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
***
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.
***
Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
***
Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A: Make him wear shoes.
***
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard.
***
Q: Why are men sexier than women? A: You can't spell sexy without xy.
***
Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
***
Q: Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? A: He still ends up with the same boss.
***
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
***
Q: What do you call a married man vacuuming? A: Doing what he's told...
***
Q: Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? A: Because they're stuck in adolescence.
***
Q: Why are Good Men like parking spaces? A: The good ones are already taken!
***
Q: Why are men like cars? A: Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
***
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
***
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
***
Q: How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.
***
Q: Why did the man keep going in
circles? A: He didn't get the point.
***
Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease? A: Because they are pigs.
***
Q: What's the difference between a GSpot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
***
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.
***
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack
***
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
***
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
***
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "It's cute but can you pick up
peanuts with it?"
***
Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A: We cook - they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
***
Q: What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
***
Q: How do males exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
***
Q: What are a married man's two greatest assets? A: This is a closed mouth and an open wallet.
***
Q: What is all the fuss about when it
comes to men and big boobs? A: They take a lot of lip and they don't talk back.
***
Q: What do you call 3 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore.
***
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
***
Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: They don't have penises to keep them in!
***
Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A: All invented by women.
***
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
***
Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
***
Q: Why did god invent men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
***
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They all already have boyfriends.
***
Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
***
Q: What did God say after creating man? A: I can do so much better.
***
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds? A: Bonds mature.
***
Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
***
Q: How is a man like a used car? A: Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
***
Q: How do you stop a man from raping you? A: Throw him the remote control.
***
Q: What do you call a group of men
waiting for a haircut? A: A barbecue
***
Q: What does a man consider a sevencourse meal? A: A pizza and a six pack.
***
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Patient!
***
Q: What is the difference between a man and a tree? A: One is illegal to hit with an ax.
***
Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? A: Exchange him.
***
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A: He is a tearjerker.
***
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
***
Q: What do men and mascara have in common? A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.
***
Q: What do you call a man who never farts in public? A: A private tutor .
***
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
***
Q: Why does a penis have a hole in
the end? A: So men can be open minded.
***
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
***
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex.
***
Q: What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes.
***
Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say? A: "My wife says..."
***
Q: How long does it take a man to
change the toilet paper? A: We don't know it's never happened.
***
Q: What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A: A man with a nine-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.
***
Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? A: So men can understand them.
***
Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
***
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys an extra case of beer.
***
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? A: The man.
***
Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
***
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
***
Q: Why do men name their penises? A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
***
Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because of their plugged into a genius!
***
Q: Why do some guys have Red Eyes after Sex? A: Mace.
***
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
***
Q: What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
***
Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A: Big Foot has been spotted several times.
***
Q. How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
***
Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice.
***
Q: Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
***
Q: Why did Dorothy get lost on her
way to the Emerald City? A: Becuase she was being led by three boys
***
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A: E.T. phones home.
***
Q: When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? A: Right after he "comes" inside.
***
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: Because they're practicing to be men.
***
Q: What did the elephant say to a naked man? A: Hey that's cute but can you breathe through it?
***
Q. Why do most men prefer cats over dogs?
A. Because we hate bitches but we love us some pussy.
***
For you, men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember ... that's where the knives are kept.
***
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break they're bones. They have over 200 of them.
***
Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.
Funny Blonde Jokes
Blondes ... men and women... It's not just people with blond hair, people with a particular state of mind, who refuse any strain in life and as a result became stars of humor and anecdotes We also couldn't miss jokes about these remarkable heroes and heroines of simplicity! So read and enjoy watching these wonderful jokes and take a good mood for many days and weeks!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven, though, they must go up 500 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.
The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.
Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 49th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “It dawned on me the first
joke”
***
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager .
“$300” – he replied.
“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted.
Finally, after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled.
“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.
After two hours, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her .
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 7 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
***
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of
intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
***
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car , the patrolman was astounded when to saw that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
***
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
***
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the
redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”
So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
***
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
***
A blond was going to get her hair layered at the salon with headphones on. The lady at the salon said to take the headphones off.
The blond said, " No way, I would die if I did”.
The lady said “Whatever” and did her work.
Then the lady took the headphones off thinking it wouldn’t matter if she did. The blond dropped dead. The salon lady heard the headphones saying “breath in, now breath out” repeatedly.
***
One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.
She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”
The cop asked, “why?”
She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”
The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”
***
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He grabs the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 5-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door .
Sure enough, there is his brother , totally naked, cowering on the closet floor .
“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
A middle-aged guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription of the strongest 2372 Viagra available because he had got two young nymphomaniacs staying at his house for a few days.
Later that week he went back to the doctor and asked for painkillers.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked the doctor. ‘Is your penis in that much pain?’
‘No,’ said the guy. ‘It’s for my wrists - the girls never showed up.’
2373 An old man went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. ‘How many?’ asked the pharmacist.
‘Just a few,’ said the old man, ‘but can you cut each one into quarters?’
‘That’s too small a dose - tiny quarters of Viagra won’t get you through sex.’
‘That’s OK,’ said the old man. ‘I don’t think about sex any more. I’m too old. I just want it to stick out far enough so that I don’t pee on my shoes.’
2374 Did you hear about the new Viagra eye drops? - They make you look hard.
2375 Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? - A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
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2376 Did you know that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? - It’s for dickheads.
2377 An old man stood up slowly and put on his coat.
‘Where are you going?’ asked his equally aged wife.
‘I’m going to the doctor’s.’
‘Are you sick?’
‘No, I’m going to get some of those Viagra pills.’
At this, the wife climbed from her rocker and put on her coat.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
‘I’m going to the doctor’s too. If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!’
2378 A man suffered serious sunburn after falling asleep on a Spanish beach. His wife rushed ° him to hospital where the doctor rubbed lotion over him and prescribed Viagra.
‘Viagra?’ exclaimed the wife. What good is Viagra in his condition?’
The doctor replied: ‘It will keep the sheets off him.’
237g Did you hear about the guy who took a course of iron tablets along with Viagra? - Now his dick always points due north.
2380 A woman went t0 the doctor t0 discuss her husband’s sexual problems. The doctor said: u ‘Just give him these Viagra pills in his next meal and stand back.’
The woman went home, handed the pills to her Italian cook, who was preparing for a large dinner party, and said: ‘Just put two of these in my husband’s dinner tonight.’
Rushed off her feet, the cook was irritated by the request, and instead threw the whole packet into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, she rushed out of the kitchen and told the lady of the house that there was a problem. So the woman followed the cook into the kitchen and demanded to know what was going on.
Breaking down in tears, the cook admitted: ‘I was in such a rush, I threw all of those pills into the soup. Now I don’t know what to do. The meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up!’
2381 What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? - He grows taller.
2382 What do you get when you smoke pot and take Viagra? - Stiff joints.
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2383 What do the vacuum cleaner ‘Dirt Devil’ and Viagra have in common? - They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
2384 D ' d you bear about tbe g y y wbo ^ b ' s Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry? - Now the shirt is too stiff to wear.
2385 A woman asked her husband whether he’d like some breakfast. ‘Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice half of grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee?’
He declined. ‘It’s this Viagra - it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’
At lunchtime, she asked him again whether he would like anything. ‘How about a bowl of homemade soup and a chicken sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?’
‘No, sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s this Viagra - it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’
At dinnertime, she asked again if he wanted anything to eat. ‘I could rustle up a tasty stir fry, I could put a pizza in the oven, or even go down the road and fetch a burger.
What do you say? It would only take a few minutes.’
Thanks, but no,’ he replied. ‘It’s this Viagra - it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’
‘Well, then,’ she snapped, ‘would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!’
2386 Did you hear about tbe new tyP e of Viagra, Viagra Lite? - It’s for people who only want ° to masturbate.
A guy picked up his Viagra prescription at the pharmacy. He arrived home full of anticipation but decided to wait until his wife got back before taking one. In the meantime
2387 he left tbe P ack °P en and unattenbecl on tbe ta b |e > and his inquisitive pet parrot ate all the pills. When he realized what had happened, the man was seized with panic at what effect a heavy dose of Viagra might have on the parrot. So he shut the bird in the freezer to cool off.
When his wife eventually arrived home, he forgot all about the parrot, and it was another four hours before he opened the freezer door. To his immense relief, the parrot was still alive, breathing heavily and dripping with sweat.
‘My God!’ exclaimed the man. ‘You’ve been in there for hours yet not only are you still alive, you’re sweating like crazy!’
‘Of course I’m sweating!’ said the parrot. ‘Have you ever tried to prise apart the legs of a frozen chicken?
\
A man came staggering through the park, well and truly pissed when he saw another man doing press-ups. After watching him for a minute or two, the drunk started to laugh. Whats so funny? asked the man angrily. I think you ought to know that someones stolen your woman, he replied.
Which 3 league teams have swear words in their names? Arsenal, Scunthorpe United and fucking Chelsea.
Two Manchester United fans are walking along the street when one of them sees a mirror on the ground. He picks it up and says, Hey, I recognise that bloke. The other man takes it from him and replies, Of course you do, you wanker, its me.
A pompous upper class prat went duck hunting but no matter how hard he tried, it was more than 6 hours before he managed to shoot one down. Delighted at his sudden luck, he searched for the fallen duck and found it in a nearby field. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared and said aggressively What the hell do you think your'e doing? Im getting my duck, he replied. Oh no you ain't. This here's my property so its mine. But Ive spent all day trying to get a duck and you're not taking it away from me he spluttered. And so they argued on, until the farmer came up with a solution: Look here, there's one way we could settle this argument. Well take it in turns to kick each other in the balls and the last man on his feet gets the duck. The hunter agreed, and the farmer went first because, as he said, it was his idea. Wearing steel capped, hob nailed boots he aimed carefully at the hunter and gave an almighty kick. His poor victim turned a sickly white, his eyes disappeared and he gave out the most agonising cry. It took at least 5 minutes for him to come to his senses but he bravely stayed on his feet. Right he gasped Now its my turn. The farmer replied, Dont bother, you can have the duck.